I hit my fiance in self-defence - how can I get her back?

[Hollywood-Tourist]

I will try to keep this as short as possible. I'm hoping you can help/advise me asap as I feel I am losing the love of my life.

 

Just over a month ago I went to see my fiancé at her place (she still lives with her parents) in the early evening to catch up etc. She appeared to be quiet & snappy with me after a few hours of being in her company which I put down to her long week at work.

 

As the evening went on I asked her if she was ok to which she said that she was fine. Later on I asked her again & she snapped that if there was something wrong she would tell me - fair enough!

 

She didn't want dinner so I ordered a take-away for myself. When it arrived I was eating in the garden as it was sunny (she was sat next to me sunbathing) & then she went inside as she said she was too hot.

 

I followed inside 5mins later & sat downstairs. She had disappeared upstairs & around 20mins after I finished my dinner I went up to see if she was ok, she appeared ok but looked moody. So I went back downstairs to sit with her parents (giving her space - sensing her mood.) She later came down & we all watched tv.

 

As the night went on she was snapping at her mum for the most minor of things & was getting a bit sarcastic - becoming rather nasty. Her mum did say to her to stop swearing etc. Throughout the tv watching she barely said anything to me.

Shortly after her parents decided to go to bed so they went & turned the light off leaving the tv on for us. 20mins went on & I tried to make small talk with her which resulted in one worded responses.

 

At this point I'd had enough so I said to her that I was going home & not to contact me until she had snapped out of this horrible mood. She then grabbed my arm & said "don't leave me" so I said I'm not leaving you, I'm just leaving the situation.

 

She then said that her gran was unwell & that she felt she was the only one looking after her. She then accused me of saying that I like a picture of a famous woman on facebook. WTF!

 

Now the scary part..........

 

So I took a deep breath & stood up, & as I turned round (she must have shot up) & I felt both her hands round my neck pressing really tightly & this look of madness in her eyes. : : I found myself doing the same to her (to try and free myself.) This was the first time we have ever had a physical confrontation or even argument in the 2yrs we've been together (it has always been a honest, loyal & happy relationship.)

 

I pushed her onto the couch & I stumbled forward slightly, I then stumbled back by which point she leapt up, jumped on & sat on me & started choking me again. There was no speaking throughout this scuffle.

 

I was shocked & scared at this then suddenly her mum & dad came running downstairs panicking wondering what was going on. Her mum tried to pull her off (with some force as my fiancé is strong for a woman.) I then remember lashing out shouting "get off me" as she was pulled away with a struggle from her mum.

 

As she got up her dad switched the light on & my fiancés nose was bleeding so she ran for a towel then stormed over to me & slammed the engagement ring into my hand & said get out this house before pushing me outside. I apologised & said I didn't realise I had punched her (especially to her face) as I couldn't see exactly where I was 'aiming' because it was pitch black but she said get out so I did & went home.

 

I phoned my parents explaining what had happened & they said not to phone her that night as it will make things worse. So I waited until the next day before phoning her but she ignored my call, I left a message & she texted me to say I could meet her that evening outside. We talked & I apologised profusely & she said she could forgive me for the struggle but not for the punch & that she wanted space for a few days with no contact.

 

Basically I want to know if there is anyway I can get my fiancé back as I truly love her, don't want to lose her especially of this & she said she still loves & cares for me (when I met her the following day?)

 

I am not a violent person & have never hit a woman before but this was a genuine accident. I have told her I will seek counselling for my 'anger' hoping this will help & she said she was pleased to hear this.

 

I hope you can help me here as I'm so depressed & miserable right now & this was just a silly incident that got out of hand.

 

Many thanks

[Chi townD]

Nope! Move on. If it was in self defense then so be it. But, you're in a relationship and not in situation where you should have to find defending yourself an issue. If you had to defend yourself then you are the victim of domestic violence. No one, MAN OR WOMAN, should ever put a hand on each other in violence. She's making herself out to be the victim here, but lets not forget who was the one trying to strangle the life out of you? Betcha she conveniently forgot about that, huh?

 

 

 

 

Move on, dude. This is too toxic. Just like any woman would expect me not to hit, beat or strangle them, I expect the same from them. You are not her personal punching bag.

 

 

Heal from this and move on.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

She's making herself out to be the victim here, but lets not forget who was the one trying to strangle the life out of you? Betcha she conveniently forgot about that, huh?

 

 

Absolutely.

 

 

I fear she may be a sociopath & has not once acknowledged that she was also to blame, nor has she cried, she hasn't apologised or shown any remorse whatsoever.

 

 

But yes she did conveniently forgot that she was the once who started it & did worse by choking me twice.

[CarrieT]

I fear she may be a sociopath

Then why do you want to be with her?

 

For your safety and her's - MOVE ON and don't look back!

[JunkYardDog]

Ah yes, I know the story too well.

 

There can be only one, off with your head.

You have two choices, submit or leave.

 

The only hands that should ever be put on someone are the hands of love. Period.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

Then why do you want to be with her?

 

 

Because I truly love her & I am a believer in giving people second chances. If she ever did it again then yes I'm out of here.

 

 

This was a one-off from her, I really believe that.

[bathtub-row]

Are you kidding?? This woman was seriously choking you and you're apologizing to her?? Are you out of your mind? It doesn't matter how much you love her or how this has never happened in two years. Do you understand that it should NEVER happen? You need to lose this girl and fast. There is no excuse for what she did and if you persist in getting her back, you will be sending her a message that what she did is ok. Your life will be a living hell from that point on.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

The only hands that should ever be put on someone are the hands of love. Period.

 

Can I ask what you mean exactly?

 

Thanks

[MidwestUSA]

Because I truly love her & I am a believer in giving people second chances. If she ever did it again then yes I'm out of here.

 

 

This was a one-off from her, I really believe that.

 

If she's a sociopath, as you believe then the one-off will become routine.

 

 

Isn't it enough that you believe her to be a sociopath? (Which is a term thrown around entirely too frequently. She may however, be BPD)

[bathtub-row]

Because I truly love her & I am a believer in giving people second chances. If she ever did it again then yes I'm out of here.

 

This was a one-off from her, I really believe that.

 

Sociopaths don't change. Do not waste your time on this, and do not give second chances on things like this. It's way too serious.

[CarrieT]

Can I ask what you mean exactly?

It means what you think it means: One's hands should only be on another in an act of love; caressing, touching, fondling...

 

Once there is violence, there is rarely resolution in a positive fashion.

[todreaminblue]

Because I truly love her & I am a believer in giving people second chances. If she ever did it again then yes I'm out of here.

 

 

This was a one-off from her, I really believe that.

 

 

I don't believe it was a one off ......especially since there was no remorse after or admittance of what she did......get used to this happening again if you don't deal with it now......honestly you shouldn't be trying to get back with her at all, if it is only you who needs to go to anger management...you defended yourself....against an attack....what would have happened if you didn't defend yourself?

 

she has a problem......and if it is not dealt with it will get worse......she isn't admitting to anything nor remorseful in any way.....not willing to change......not a one off....

 

 

 

she was pleased you are getting help.......she should be getting help from what i can tell and has broadsided you into shouldering all responsibility......i think you should tell her you dont want to be with her either until she gets help for what happened......the mother had to pull her off you......and she struggled with the mother as well ...serious issue....dont marry her until she gets help dont get back with her until she gets help...or you are in for pain emotional and physical......deb

[NoLeafClover]

Anyone can be a social path depends what you define it as... be it a slap..smack or choking in silence.

 

 

 

 

Sometimes it takes 2 Years sometimes 2 months to realize... what is the most important part in order to move to a positive direction both parties need to acknowledge their part in the argument and wrong doings..clearly she seems to be playing the card of benefitting from having a vagina ..and why shouldn't she when in today's society is easier to accept a woman biting down on a man then contrary.

 

 

Now add her parents in the scenario why shouldn't she make a bigger scene when her parents show up? ..perhaps someone who was more caring would've said they were joking and got hit on accident instead of kissing and telling. If I was in her position I would of said it was an accident and told my rents to go back to bed. She kinda sold him out and they are engaged? What kind of sh*t is that.

 

 

 

 

 

 

To the OP:

 

 

Personally I would stop at the part where the rents got involved. Its one thing I have to deal with my fiancé and her attitude, its another having the ring thrown at in front of her parents. That is something you can't go back from in my book.

I hope she thought hard before she did that..id rather get smack I don't know what is worse.

 

 

Whatever the situation between you two she should have never put you in the awkward situation where now her parents think you are an abusive freak.

I don't know how you will be able to look at her parents the same.. I also don't know how you will get over the fact that she NOT ONLY threw your ring but ALSO KICKED YOU OUT.

That is so disrespectful. That's your dignity right there.

 

 

My ex was the same had a temper and mood swings like yours did and she too was moody and swore to her parents. After witnessing this a couple of times I realized people like that will not change and if they are like that with their parents they will be like that with you.

 

 

Perhaps we work differently but I would double check who I am planning on spending the rest of my life with. Loosing your dignity to her rents like that and then getting kicked out like a piece of trash...

F*ck that.

[mightycpa]

I then stumbled back by which point she leapt up, jumped on & sat on me & started choking me (wait for it) again....I then remember lashing out shouting "get off me"

 

You weren't thinking about how much you loved her then, were you?

 

I assume this was when you hit her.

 

Now, if this were me, and this happened without any hint of this kind of thing before, the number one question on my mind would be "WTF was this really about?" I certainly wouldn't offer to undergo anger counseling of whatever the **** you were talking about. I would demand to know what was really going on before I said "SAYONARA". But I'd only ask once.

 

How in the world you can ignore this is beyond me. If this story is true, and doesn't omit any important details, you actually saw your fiance become another person, and you don't seem to be the least bit curious about it.

 

Something doesn't smell right. It might be that you're not right, but it just sounds a little too "one-off" for you to brush under the rug.

 

Like, maybe she found out that you've been sleeping with her grandmother or something. Then the story would make sense.

Edited September 2, 2014 by mightycpa

[yajiuma]

For me, the form her violence took would mean there is no giving her second chances. In the heat of an argument/under stress a slap/shove although totally unacceptable can somehow be comprehended. When she choked you, this is an act of person who wants to snuff out your existence. The fact that she jumped up and tried to choke you again after being pulled off is a doubly bad sign.

 

If you stayed with her I'd be worried about getting shivved in my sleep after she's had a bad day.

[frankvega]

I know for a fact that no matter how many times everyone here tells you to move on. the more and more you want her back.

 

All I can say from personal experience is that if you chase her, beg for forgiveness, apologize ect... it will be the absolute best way for her to NEVER go back with you.

 

I promise you please trust me when I say this. I am saying this from the bottom of my heart because I felt your pain once. She will not come back if you chase or beg her.

 

Now if you want lets say maybe a 3% chance of getting back with her. I recommend going NC and re-invent yourself. Go to the gym, buy new clothes, start a new business, make more money, and find someone else in case she does not comeback.

 

that is how low the odds are of her coming back are.

[MidwestUSA]

Anyone can be a social path depends what you define it as... be it a slap..smack or choking in silence.

 

Violence in and of itself makes, well, a violent person. NOT a "social path".

 

 

A sociopath is not defined by just anyone who takes it upon themselves to make a diagnosis. Read up on it.

[somedude81]

I would suggest talking to her parents and asking if she has a history with violence. She may have a mental illness that they know of.

[frankvega]

Also forgot to say this.

 

If you change your phone number, deactivate your FB, disapear from all social media. you will slightly increase your chance of getting back with her from 3% to maybe 5% reason being is that she will actually physically need to look for you if she wanted to come back.

 

Like barky said on his thread. When a women wants you back she will freaking bang your door down at 3:00am. She will move a mountain. There would be absolutely nothing in her way of getting back with you.

 

Please do not get false hope with this reply. I am a very analytical person. You have a better chance of starting your own business and becoming a multimillionaire than getting back with her.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

You weren't thinking about how much you loved her then, were you?

 

I assume this was when you hit her.

 

 

I only hit her in self defence because she was choking me. I'm not just going to lie there & take a pounding.

 

 

Yes, this was the only time I hit her.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

For me, the form her violence took would mean there is no giving her second chances. In the heat of an argument/under stress a slap/shove although totally unacceptable can somehow be comprehended. When she choked you, this is an act of person who wants to snuff out your existence. The fact that she jumped up and tried to choke you again after being pulled off is a doubly bad sign.

 

 

I can see it from your perspective about giving her no second chances where violence is involved.

 

 

Even if she went to counselling/Doctor to get treated for whatever illness she may have, that would be a step in the right direction & would convince me somewhat that there would never be a repeat episode of this.

 

 

Do you think my level of defence (punch) was reasonable or did I go too far?

 

 

It just doesn't make sense why she would suddenly snap & want to kill me, only days beforehand we were out looking at wedding venues.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

I would suggest talking to her parents and asking if she has a history with violence. She may have a mental illness that they know of.

 

I know that in the past her Dad said she suffered from Depression a few years ago so I don't know if that could be a contributing factor?

 

 

We also bought a Puppy in April & although dogs have a tendency to playfully nip you, her method to stop the nipping was to strike the dog on the nose.

 

 

I told her I wouldn't & couldn't do this, but when she did do this to the dog it would sort of cower away & go to another room.

 

 

She would also drag it by the lead when out for a walk if it stopped for a short amount of time whether that be for a p!ss or to catch it's breath - she would be very short tempered with it.

[Citizen Erased]

I only hit her in self defence because she was choking me. I'm not just going to lie there & take a pounding.

 

 

Yes, this was the only time I hit her.

 

So why are you apologising and trying to get her back? She attacked you, you defended yourself and you're allowing her to blame you.

 

If she was worth getting back, she would be desperately trying to make it up to you. Instead she is playing the victim and enjoying you kissing her abusive arse.

 

And just a warning: if she hits you and a puppy, any children you choose to have with her will get the same treatment. That's on you if you procreate with her knowing she's abusive.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

So why are you apologising and trying to get her back? She attacked you, you defended yourself and you're allowing her to blame you.

 

 

Because I thought that would be what she wanted to hear. Yes I know it was a dumb thing to do, but I did it believing that she would get back with me after apologising.

 

 

She has not once apologised for attacking me, all she's said is that she can forgive the tussle we had but not for me punching her. Bit of a double standard is it not?

 

If she was worth getting back, she would be desperately trying to make it up to you. Instead she is playing the victim and enjoying you kissing her abusive arse.

 

 

I do think she's worth getting back & I think she is just hurting (no pun intended) badly & is kind of exaggerating it now, it's not like I beat her to a pulp, so it's like she's trying to make me 'stew'.

 

And just a warning: if she hits you and a puppy, any children you choose to have with her will get the same treatment. That's on you if you procreate with her knowing she's abusive.

 

I know that & that's a risk I'm willing to take.

[plethora]

Am I the only one who thinks she may have been goading you into as an excuse to break up?