mutual breakup but we are still in love

[Fran23]

Hi guys, forst time posting here. So this is a really heartbreaking time for me. My OH and I have been together for almost 3 years. It was an epic love affair like in the movies, we really "get" one another and we have been through hell and back many times, (his illness, a miscarriage etc) but we survived it all ad we became even stronger.We planned to get married next year. But now it is all gone.

 

He is moving away tomorrow. His mother has cancer and he needs to look after her and he has been sick himself for some time (severe mental issues that sadly deteriorated) and needs hospitalization. He is going there where his family is because according to him I am the love of his life and he was reducing me to a nurse so he is going back to where there are people that can look after him so that he can in turn look after his mother. I knew that was happening for a month now. I also know it is for the best. I tried my best to help him but I can't. He claims he is coming back as soon as he is back on his feet but that could take a very long time. Up until now we kind of ignored it and we enjoyed the time we had left but now that I have said my goodbyes and read the letter he wrote me it suddenly hit me.

 

None of us wants a long distance thing so we agreed to treat it as a break but he has every intention to stay in my life and I am not sure if I can handle that. I have no idea how to handle this. I am heartbroken and constantly being on the phone to him doesn't feel like a break. I love him to bits and the thought that I may never be able to hold his hand again disturbs me. The thought of him possibly meeting someone else there makes me sick to my stomach. I hated the goodbye scene it was awkward and left so many things unfinished. Worst part is since we are still in love and he has been a very decent guy I do not have any resentment or anger to distract me. Just a sense of loss. How can I possibly handle this? Technically he has not left the country yet and I miss him with all the bones in my body.

Edited September 27, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs and merge threads into BBU

[d0nnivain]

Sadly, this may be one of those things. For some reason the universe is driving you apart.

 

All you can do is mourn the loss of your relationship & pray for his recovery.

[Fran23]

well the issue is he wants to remain in my life. We have been best friends as well as lovers so it is hard enough as it is. I can not see him as "just a friend" even if he is my best friend. And if we speak to each other on regular basis how can this heal? He is devastated too btw :-)

[ThorntonMelon]

First of all, I'm very sorry. You must be going through hell right now.

 

You're not going to be capable of anything resembling reason for quite some time, like say for 6 months or so.

 

So I need to to give you some advice that you may or may not want to take, but I'd be failing you if I didn't give it.

 

You're in love with someone severely mentally ill (your words), which means the odds are extremely high that his behaviors both in the past and going forward are very unhealthy ones. That is to say, while he deserves compassion and appropriate support to deal with his demons, he's in no state whatsoever to determine proper behavior towards an ex.

 

To be blunt, he has nothing to offer you. His intention to stay in your life is a figment of his disordered brain. Not because he's a bad guy, but because he's simply not capable of managing any situation effectively. You are the only person who can advocate for you. He cannot and will not be your advocate for any kind of rational, reasonable, healthy behavior.

 

The next piece of advice is that you need to get therapy for your own demons - you have fallen in love with a disordered man. I am not saying disordered people don't deserve love, but I would bet you have tolerated quite a bit through these years. And you need professional help to work through why all of that is acceptable to you.

 

I wish you well.

[d0nnivain]

It is a catch 22 but if you can't handle just being friends don't. Give some more consideration to an LDR

[Tayken]

Just like the song title....."what is love"? Infatuation should not be mixed up with the penultimate affection / teamwork / friendship / mutual respect / sincerity for example.

 

I have heard people casually banging each other refer to it as love. It seems people just use the word willy nilly these days

[evanescentworld]

Just like the song title....."what is love"? Infatuation should not be mixed up with the penultimate affection / teamwork / friendship / mutual respect / sincerity for example.

 

I have heard people casually banging each other refer to it as love. It seems people just use the word willy nilly these days

I fail to see the relevance of the above statement.....

 

OP, either consider an LDR, or break up completely and go No Contact.

Read this thread for detailed instructions on how it should - correction, MUST - be done.

There are NO half measures.

You cannot maintain contact with him on the current basis. If you love him, then a mere friendship is out of the question, and totally off the cards.

 

I'm sorry this is causing you so much emotional pain, and I hope you find a resolution soon.

[Emilia]

What sort of mental issues?

[Fran23]

Thanks you guys for answering. He may be sick and life with him may have been hard but he gave me a lot. Emilia, he is bipolar. He was handling it before but when he lost his business, his mom got sick and his best mate died all in a month he lost it and he can't find his way back now. He needs help. The kind I can not give him. I just don't know how to cut ties without being na b***tch while he is so poorly. I also want him in my life but I can not imagine being just friends. I can not do it. He really wants to be part of my life but I can't see how it is possible. We both hurt quite a lot today

[Fran23]

Just like the song title....."what is love"? Infatuation should not be mixed up with the penultimate affection / teamwork / friendship / mutual respect / sincerity for example.

 

I have heard people casually banging each other refer to it as love. It seems people just use the word willy nilly these days

Tayken I am very curious where did you get that? We had a very close, loving, committed relationship and we cherished and respected each other (we still do) We were best friends as well as lovers. His illness didn't take an inch away from what he brought into this. I was certainly not "casually banging" the man I planned to marry.

[Emilia]

Thanks you guys for answering. He may be sick and life with him may have been hard but he gave me a lot. Emilia, he is bipolar. He was handling it before but when he lost his business, his mom got sick and his best mate died all in a month he lost it and he can't find his way back now. He needs help. The kind I can not give him. I just don't know how to cut ties without being na b***tch while he is so poorly. I also want him in my life but I can not imagine being just friends. I can not do it. He really wants to be part of my life but I can't see how it is possible. We both hurt quite a lot today

If he loses it every time there is a crisis, imagine if you had kids together and something went wrong. You would have another child to deal with and no support from anyone. Just to put things in perspective.

[Fran23]

If he loses it every time there is a crisis, imagine if you had kids together and something went wrong. You would have another child to deal with and no support from anyone. Just to put things in perspective.

 

Thanks Emilia. This is exactly why he has to go. Other than me he has no support system here and he is too paralyzed to seek help. He can't work and he is debt. He always had it but due to recent events it became unmanageable. I am the only one who can drag him out when he goes deep into depression but that is very unfair to me and we both see it. When he goes back he will check himself into a hospital. I hope he manages to pull through somehow. We almost did have a child but I miscarried a few months ago (which didn't help improve his mental state or mine for that matter). Some people were insensitive enough to suggest it was for the best. Huh

[Emilia]

Thanks Emilia. This is exactly why he has to go. Other than me he has no support system here and he is too paralyzed to seek help. He can't work and he is debt. He always had it but due to recent events it became unmanageable. I am the only one who can drag him out when he goes deep into depression but that is very unfair to me and we both see it. When he goes back he will check himself into a hospital. I hope he manages to pull through somehow. We almost did have a child but I miscarried a few months ago (which didn't help improve his mental state or mine for that matter). Some people were insensitive enough to suggest it was for the best. Huh

It's very good that you can see these things as they are, Fran. The last thing you would want is some kind of codependent relationship. I'm very sorry to hear about the baby, no wonder it has become difficult for him. Of course it's not for the best - stupid thing to say I agree - but life has a way of giving you different directions, wouldn't you say.

[Fran23]

It's very good that you can see these things as they are, Fran. The last thing you would want is some kind of codependent relationship. I'm very sorry to hear about the baby, no wonder it has become difficult for him. Of course it's not for the best - stupid thing to say I agree - but life has a way of giving you different directions, wouldn't you say.

 

Losing a baby is a very traumatic thing to happen. This baby was wanted. At the time of her conception he was struggling but he was getting better and I think he saw the baby as a reason to fight his illness. When we lost her we were both devastated. It went downhill from there. Bipolar is always hard to live with but one needs to recognize the time it goes from being an everyday struggle to being plainly out of control. We lost the baby two days before he lost a huge courtcase (which basically destroyed him). Worst week of my life probably. And he still managed to comfort and support me through it. He broke down a few months after that. I only hope he gets better. I'll wait until he is safely back home or in the hospital before asking for space. He is an emotional wreck right now. Maybe I'll speak to his mom at some point. A lot of people abandoned him and I don't want her to think this is what I am doing (we have an excellent relationship with his mom, we were going to name our daughter after her) Anyway, thanks for your reply. It helps to have somewhere to vent.

[Elle1975]

May I be the devil's advocate.. and suggest that what he really wants (or needs?) is a break up. It came to my mind when I read your comment about being reduced to a nurse. His feelings might have switched to friendship and gratitude.

[Fran23]

May I be the devil's advocate.. and suggest that what he really wants (or needs?) is a break up. It came to my mind when I read your comment about being reduced to a nurse. His feelings might have switched to friendship and gratitude.

 

Hi Elle. I see how you may think that from my wording but it is certainly not the case. No change of feelings. I would know about it. He is brutally honest about everything and he would have told me to my face. Plus all his actions scream that he still loves me very much. Last night was especially difficult. He had been drunk calling all night, crying, asking me to go over one last time, saying he doesn't want to lose me, he can not imagine life without me etc and we had a longish chat in the morning. He asked if there is any way we can somehow continue, that he loves me and he is shattered that he is leaving. I tried to reassure him. On the surface I am the calm and composed one and he is breaking down. In reality this affects me just as much. I will still go no contact, cold turkey but I think it is best to wait until he is back home safely. He is really fragile and devastated right now and it will not be fair to drop this on him now. He leaves today. Damn it is hard :-(

[Elle1975]

Well lady.. move over there with him. Why not?

 

If he loves you, surely he will be pleased.

[Fran23]

Well lady.. move over there with him. Why not?

 

If he loves you, surely he will be pleased.

 

He already asked me to about two months ago. It is not really possible though, not right now. I just started a new job, love the city and I have a PhD to finish. Besides I don't speak the language of his country so how would I ever get a job there. He is broke himself. He is sick and needs to get better. That is the real problem. Then perhaps we could discuss it again.

[Emilia]

He already asked me to about two months ago. It is not really possible though, not right now. I just started a new job, love the city and I have a PhD to finish. Besides I don't speak the language of his country so how would I ever get a job there. He is broke himself. He is sick and needs to get better. That is the real problem. Then perhaps we could discuss it again.

You are being very strong, good girl.

[Fran23]

So, he is back to his home country now. He is still an emotional mess. I have not yet gone full no contact on him as I think it would be kinder to allow him some space to settle and start getting into therapy and/or hospitalization. It is very hard and I try my best to keep distracted. Sometimes I am overwhelmed thinking I can't just go over to his, play music, joke around, dance in the living room. It still has not hit me properly. I am sure it will when I cut ties. We spoke on the phone for like 2 hours the day before yesterday (he called me twice). We miss each other. If only I could see some light at the end of the tunnel (a possible return date, a concrete plan or something) maybe we could renegotiate and go for the long distance thing but the way things are it seems hopeless and I don't see any solution that could work. I went on a date last night. It wasn't technically a date. The guy doesn't know I broke up (though he suspects - hence the dinner invitation). I know he likes me and I like him too (in a different way) but I respect myself and him too much to let it go further. The "date" was really nice and I had fun but he is in no shape of form my ex. And I am not just talking physically (though that is important too, maybe I am shallow but my ex is gorgeous even if he doesn't see it). So, this is the update. I dread the moment I go no contact but I know it will have to happen soon. I miss him terribly. Don't have a plan, don't know what to do. I wish it could be fixed. It's a terrible shame

[d0nnivain]

NC is not a one size fits all relationship / healing panacea.

 

I got dumped a long time ago but the idea of going cold turkey, never talking to him again was unfathomable to me. Instead I asked him if we could gradually reduced contact, as I need to wean myself off him. It was odd but we made it work. For the 1st week I was allowed to call every day & he promised to stay on the phone with me for up to 5 minutes. We could talk about anything except our relationship. That 1st week he ended most conversations because my 5 minutes were up. Then it went to 3-4 times per week, then 2x per week, then 3 minute conversations. By then I was at least ending the calls & it was a point of pride for me to not need them all. Then I just stopped calling but it wasn't so abrupt & I was more used to not having him around. We were able to remain cordial which was important because we worked in a relatively small industry & knew we'd need to be able to interact professionally throughout our lives. Over the years that gradual separation, the kindness & the respect enabled us to be polite when we were thrown together.

 

I doubt that system would work for many people but it helped us separate. Try weaning yourself off each other since the feelings are still there but the circumstances have driven you apart.

[Fran23]

Donivain that sounds really complicated. I am glad it worked out for you. I also cringe when I see a one fits all approach. Each relationship is unique and only those involved can know what works and what doesn't. Did you fade away completely in the end or are you still occasionally speaking? The problem with us is that none of us wanted to break up and none of us really wants to let go. As I said if there was some way out I would take it but I don't see what can be done which is one more reason why distance is needed. And given the fact I am the stronger one here I need to do what is best and what is best is eventually complete no contact at least for a month minimum until we can process everything and see what we want to do next(if anything). I wish I could begin already as much as I dread it but he just moved away after ten years, he is broken and he may be going to a mental hospital so I don't want to spring this on him right now. But it has to be done soon because we are both hanging on to an impossible situation (he still called me his gf and I haven't ackonowledged to anyone that we broke up and this is not healthy)

[d0nnivain]

He wanted to break up. I was devestated & hadn't seen it coming. In fact the night be broke up with me I honestly thought he had been coming over to propose. Whoops.

 

Anyway, I faded away. We do not go out of our way to contact each other.

 

When we would bump into each other in a work environment about once every 1-2 years we could be civil & professional.

 

Twenty years later we were actually able to do a short business deal together but I did ask my husband before I did this with my EX solely because he was an EX. Otherwise I would never have asked my husband about a business deal. The contact lasted about 1 week & involve 3-4 emails; then he sent me a check.

[Fran23]

That sounds really heartbreaking. Thinking a proposal is coming your way only to be broken up with. Terrible. But yeh, I totally agree both with your opinion and how you chose to handle things in such a mature way. There is not one way of doing things. As long as the objective remains how best to heal for yourself. I know that I can not be just a friend to this man. I know if he meets someone I'll be devastated and of course I do not intent to stick around to see that happen. Besides, distance can offer us both a clearer view of the situation. It is only 4 days since we officially broke up and we are already questioning it but the deadline remains. I think time will clarify things. For me it is harder to keep contact and gradually fade because we did not break up for lack of communication and while I get my "fix" I really need his physical presence and when I don't get it it hurts (hence the breakup) Anyway, I guess I am looking for support. I know what needs to be done. But it is more useful hanging around here and talking with you guys than being on the phone to him and that is what I am doing. So thanks for the support.

[dclan]

Hi guys, forst time posting here. So this is a really heartbreaking time for me. My OH and I have been together for almost 3 years. It was an epic love affair like in the movies, we really "get" one another and we have been through hell and back many times, (his illness, a miscarriage etc) but we survived it all ad we became even stronger.We planned to get married next year. But now it is all gone.

 

He is moving away tomorrow. His mother has cancer and he needs to look after her and he has been sick himself for some time (severe mental issues that sadly deteriorated) and needs hospitalization. He is going there where his family is because according to him I am the love of his life and he was reducing me to a nurse so he is going back to where there are people that can look after him so that he can in turn look after his mother. I knew that was happening for a month now. I also know it is for the best. I tried my best to help him but I can't. He claims he is coming back as soon as he is back on his feet but that could take a very long time. Up until now we kind of ignored it and we enjoyed the time we had left but now that I have said my goodbyes and read the letter he wrote me it suddenly hit me.

 

None of us wants a long distance thing so we agreed to treat it as a break but he has every intention to stay in my life and I am not sure if I can handle that. I have no idea how to handle this. I am heartbroken and constantly being on the phone to him doesn't feel like a break. I love him to bits and the thought that I may never be able to hold his hand again disturbs me. The thought of him possibly meeting someone else there makes me sick to my stomach. I hated the goodbye scene it was awkward and left so many things unfinished. Worst part is since we are still in love and he has been a very decent guy I do not have any resentment or anger to distract me. Just a sense of loss. How can I possibly handle this? Technically he has not left the country yet and I miss him with all the bones in my body.

 

That sucks. I know a similar story.

 

They ended up reuniting a few years later.

 

I know it might be wrong to say that. And it might hurt to think of it.

 

But in this kind of situations, this particular kind, having a little hope isn't actually bad.

 

You didn't fall out of love. So if you truly love each other, then have faith in your love

Edited October 3, 2014 by dclan