Break up with a live-in mooching boyfriend

[No_Go]

We moved in together 4 months ago, he helped with 1/2 of the rent, food and utilities on month 1. And this was it.

 

Month 2,3,4 - no PENNY entered the house from his side. He told me "everybody can lost his job", but the truth is, he didn't have one when we met, moved in, and as I checked later - this is his situation from ~2 years (he was living rent-free in his ex-girlfriend's until she kicked him out...)

 

Now I don't know what to do. I have a lease with both of our names till August, he already owes me ~6-7000 for his living expenses. I realize that I will lose the latter even if I try to go to court with him I don't want to kick him on the street at hard time but:

-he lied to me several times that he'll start a job, all failed; doing the same now but how to believe him after all??

-he has nowhere to go... I feel guilty but shall I be his surrogate??

-it was my mistake to move in after just a month of dating - he insisted (now I know why)

-he is very manipulative and honestly I am afraid he'll put me in trouble if I ask him to leave

 

Please if someone can give me an advice how to exit this horror movie, I will highly appreciated. Is there a point to search for a good lawyer, or is a lost cause (in the end I helped him voluntarily these months...)

 

P.S. I am 30, so as he. I have a well-paid job, but my contract ends in just an year, so I can't really burn my savings without a risk to "save him"

Edited December 2, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
threads merged

[Standard-Fare]

Tell him you're done being his sugar mama, and that he has five days to move out his stuff/find another living situation... the details of which don't concern you. And STAY STRONG with these terms.

 

Also tell him that if he's a good man he will ultimately find a way to make a dent in paying you back for the $6,000+ he owes you.

 

If you fear for your safety during this conversation (I'm not sure if that's what you're suggesting), make sure to have another friend or loved one present during it. At the very least have a friend or loved one on call and checking in on you at a specified time.

 

If you feel too uncomfortable to stick around during his "transition time" of moving out (which would be understandable), try to stay with a friend for a few days. Inconvenient for you, but might be better than being in the apartment during this time.

 

Once he's moved out, change the locks and block him via phone/all forms of Internet communication.

[Satu]

I totally agree with the previous poster.

 

My feeling is that he's fundamentally dishonest, and someone you shouldn't trust. I wouldn't go quite as far as calling him conman, but maybe thats what he is on the bottom line.

 

Don't let him guilt you into letting him stay because 'he has nowhere to go'. Once he really gets the idea that he IS going to move out, he'll think of something even if its just a hostel.

 

Be strong, be uncompromising, and don't be manipulated.

 

Take care.

[No_Go]

Thanks for the response.

 

He moved out 2 times after we had arguments over money... Both times he returned days later begging to "get back together", i.e. he getting back int the house / on my support.

 

One time I moved out with a friend and asked him to remove me from the lease and sublet the place. This was my compromise variant. This also failed (he said it was impossible to be arranged in 2 weeks in his situation).

 

So I am obviously failing on the "stay strong" part. He is VERY manipulative, he admits it himself. He says he likes to "social engineer people" i.e. manipulate them to do what he likes.

 

I am scared that even if I go with a friend he will behave ok on the time and start harassing me later. No idea what he will do - he is a pathological liar and HEAVY drinker (if he have an access to 12 pack, he will finish it in few hours). I am not that afraid from physical violence, more from blackmailing or emotional abuse.

[TigerLilly78]

Did he have a job when you two moved in together? if not why did you? were did his 1st months 1/2 come from?

[Standard-Fare]

Well, don't even give him the opportunity to manipulate you. If I were you, I'd:

 

1) Pack up some of your things and get out of the place. Prepare to be out for a few days.

 

2) Write out your ultimatum telling him to move out his stuff in five days, find a new place to live, etc. But before sending that via email, give him a call. Tell him you won't be in the apartment for a while and you want him to read your email and act accordingly.

 

3) Go ahead and send the email. Make sure to include a line that says something like: "I'm not open to negotiation, compromise or even conversation on this. I've made up my mind and I won't be responding to any future emails, phone calls or texts about this. If you're not out of there within five days, I will be getting others i.e. lawyers or even police involved."

 

4) Whenever you do move back in, change the locks immediately and try to get a friend or family member to stay with you for a couple days so you feel safe.

 

5) Past this, if there's any action from him you don't like, don't hesitate to get authorities involved.

[No_Go]

He told me he was employed. He stated in the rental agreement a decent salary and contact name.

 

Even for the first month he gave me a check, supposedly from a start up, for which he was consulting.

 

I never suspected a problem considering the above.

 

The person who gave the aforementioned check according to my boyfriend, never contacted him back in the following 3 months...

[evanescentworld]

Sorry.... Is this the same BF?

 

If so, how the hell did he get back in? And more's the point - WHY??

[No_Go]

Evanescentworld - yes, he is the same one.

 

How and why - sort of explained in this and previous threads, I was a weak idiot apparently, maybe felt pity, maybe scared, maybe loved him...or all of the above.

 

Not everything is getting mental

[TigerLilly78]

Thanks for the response.

 

He moved out 2 times after we had arguments over money... Both times he returned days later begging to "get back together", i.e. he getting back int the house / on my support.

 

One time I moved out with a friend and asked him to remove me from the lease and sublet the place. This was my compromise variant. This also failed (he said it was impossible to be arranged in 2 weeks in his situation).

 

So I am obviously failing on the "stay strong" part. He is VERY manipulative, he admits it himself. He says he likes to "social engineer people" i.e. manipulate them to do what he likes.

 

I am scared that even if I go with a friend he will behave ok on the time and start harassing me later. No idea what he will do - he is a pathological liar and HEAVY drinker (if he have an access to 12 pack, he will finish it in few hours). I am not that afraid from physical violence, more from blackmailing or emotional abuse.

 

There is not going to be any nice way to do this with a man like this ive been there and done that. What you do is decide on wither or not you want the house? if so go to the police and get a restraining order on him and have him removed from the home if he violates it have him arrested..OR you can go with option B were you leave but if the house is yours and im assuming everything in it? thats also something to consider..is it worth it for you to lose everything you have built up?

 

If so then wait until hes away for what ever reason maybe even ask him to go do a long errand for you out of and away from the house. Or is there something he dose on a reg basis like go to vist family? if so pack your bags and have them hidden in your room when he leaves the house go and never look back!

 

If your lucky and you have the support of friends or family? maybe you could have one of them come and help you leave and that way you get to take some of your stuff as well. Once you leave I would then aslo have the restraining order put on his ass. But remember do not for what ever reason let him know were you are or contact him! he will have a melt down period if you do it this way and cut contact quick and thats when they are most dangerous..

 

The only way to remove nasty violent toxic drunks from your life is by force sadly usually no other way works you will never reason with a man like this..let as many people as you can know about your situation concerns and fears when it comes to him but don't let that fear stop you from leaving they bet on that so don't give him that power over you..

[No_Go]

Thanks again. 1) I did. On 2)/3) I fail. Again on phone/emails he ALWAYS wins. If I give him ultimatum, he disappears for days, returns "crying" after.

 

But will try. Will try again.

 

 

 

Well, don't even give him the opportunity to manipulate you. If I were you, I'd:

 

1) Pack up some of your things and get out of the place. Prepare to be out for a few days.

 

2) Write out your ultimatum telling him to move out his stuff in five days, find a new place to live, etc. But before sending that via email, give him a call. Tell him you won't be in the apartment for a while and you want him to read your email and act accordingly.

 

3) Go ahead and send the email. Make sure to include a line that says something like: "I'm not open to negotiation, compromise or even conversation on this. I've made up my mind and I won't be responding to any future emails, phone calls or texts about this. If you're not out of there within five days, I will be getting others i.e. lawyers or even police involved."

 

4) Whenever you do move back in, change the locks immediately and try to get a friend or family member to stay with you for a couple days so you feel safe.

 

5) Past this, if there's any action from him you don't like, don't hesitate to get authorities involved.

[blackcat777]

I wasted more years and bank zeroes than I'd like to admit on one of these idiots. When I finally left him, you know what he did? Stole my credit cards. (*I thought I was tight with my passwords, but I missed one.)

 

After he stole my credit cards, he had the nerve to contact me and ask if I'd sign some documents to save him money on car insurance.

 

...Yeah.

 

Guys like this can be VERY hard sellers when it comes to emotionally manipulating you into staying, and they will suck you dry. Stay strong. Stick to your guns. Get out. Stay wherever you can (mine would have never had the motivation to leave).

 

God eventually pushed me into a car accident to pull me out of that situation. I'd recommend not waiting for that to happen. It is your life and your energy, both of which are precious.

 

It is very, very unlikely people like this change.

 

That ex stopped crying over our breakup once he realized his parents would take care of him again.

 

I'm the kind of person that would prefer to cut my losses, worry about the material stuff later, and extract my sanity from the situation first. If it's possible to find a safe place away from him to make a clearer decision about things like the house, that might help.

 

Good luck.

[evanescentworld]

Yoda: "..'Do' or 'Do Not'. There IS no 'Try'...."

 

Or, as Oprah famously put it: "Trying" isn't "doing".

 

OK, to be blunt:

 

For this to work, to work in your favour, and to change the way things are going - You need to grow a backbone. I would say "a pair", but that's a man's job.

he clearly wouldn't know "a pair" if they hit him - repeatedly - between the eyes, so you are honestly going to have to 'Gurl-up', wear the Amazon/Valkyrie breast-plate and ferfeck's-sake determine to do something.

Otherwise, we're just going to see you coming in periodically, repeatedly, and posting the same old whinge 'n whine, and I honestly believe you don't want to be that person...

[No_Go]

House is not mine: we signed a lease together (both our names are on the lease). I have furniture in the house for about $3000, I will lose that if I move out, and the money that he owes me already.

 

I am still ok with that if he agrees to break the lease. He opposes it on all costs. When I mention police / restraining order he reverses all: he is blaming me to threatening to him, and he says he has recordings of me being verbally abusive. I know he is bul****ting but makes me very unconfortable.

 

On top, all the utilities are on my name (his credit is ruined so he asked me for that initially).

 

Family can't help (mine is overseas). Friends can help but as mentioned, i'm afraid for the aftermath - the "meltdown" that you mentioned.

 

I need to figure out how to make it his decision to move.... I guess that is the only way to prevent the "meltdown" thing. But with his situation right now (no money, no other house) - I just dont see how this will happen.

 

 

 

There is not going to be any nice way to do this with a man like this ive been there and done that. What you do is decide on wither or not you want the house? if so go to the police and get a restraining order on him and have him removed from the home if he violates it have him arrested..OR you can go with option B were you leave but if the house is yours and im assuming everything in it? thats also something to consider..is it worth it for you to lose everything you have built up?

 

If so then wait until hes away for what ever reason maybe even ask him to go do a long errand for you out of and away from the house. Or is there something he dose on a reg basis like go to vist family? if so pack your bags and have them hidden in your room when he leaves the house go and never look back!

 

If your lucky and you have the support of friends or family? maybe you could have one of them come and help you leave and that way you get to take some of your stuff as well. Once you leave I would then aslo have the restraining order put on his ass. But remember do not for what ever reason let him know were you are or contact him! he will have a melt down period if you do it this way and cut contact quick and thats when they are most dangerous..

 

The only way to remove nasty violent toxic drunks from your life is by force sadly usually no other way works you will never reason with a man like this..let as many people as you can know about your situation concerns and fears when it comes to him but don't let that fear stop you from leaving they bet on that so don't give him that power over you..

[TigerLilly78]

Otherwise, we're just going to see you coming in periodically, repeatedly, and posting the same old whinge 'n whine, and I honestly believe you don't want to be that person...

 

No she really doesn't I was "that person" and its not fun internet was a temporary distraction then when I logged it was right back to the BS..you can do it OP..and try not to make the same mistake I waited years by then I was emotionally/mentally spent when he saw that I was worn down that bad things started getting physical as well as mental..

 

It took him literally stealing everything I owned to get myself out of that situation. That said I know these are just words on a screen from a random stranger and you will only do it when you have had enough in your own way only you can decide were and when your line is going to be..be strong good luck it can be done..

[TigerLilly78]

House is not mine: we signed a lease together (both our names are on the lease). I have furniture in the house for about $3000, I will lose that if I move out, and the money that he owes me already.

 

I am still ok with that if he agrees to break the lease. He opposes it on all costs. When I mention police / restraining order he reverses all: he is blaming me to threatening to him, and he says he has recordings of me being verbally abusive. I know he is bul****ting but makes me very unconfortable.

 

On top, all the utilities are on my name (his credit is ruined so he asked me for that initially).

 

Family can't help (mine is overseas). Friends can help but as mentioned, i'm afraid for the aftermath - the "meltdown" that you mentioned.

 

I need to figure out how to make it his decision to move.... I guess that is the only way to prevent the "meltdown" thing. But with his situation right now (no money, no other house) - I just dont see how this will happen.

 

 

You will never make it his decision to leave he will stay and hang on as long as he can hes a leach on a host. There is no way to avoid the melt down just make sure you are clear and a safe distance when it starts at that point it doesn't matter cause your starting your life over and he will be history..

 

Your trying to reason with a unreasonable man its not going to happen as I said let your friends know exactly whats going on and how bad things are and that you want to leave and get their help. just make sure they are not going to go back to him?..

 

His situation was self imposed its not your problem OP let him sort it out on his own he sounds like a conman im sure he will do just fine but right now hes got you conditioned not to leave thu his manipulation and abuse you need to realize this and break that cycle since he lied to you I don't know if that lease would even hold up? you might be able to get him off of it if you speak to the landlords...

[Standard-Fare]

I need to figure out how to make it his decision to move.... I guess that is the only way to prevent the "meltdown" thing. But with his situation right now (no money, no other house) - I just dont see how this will happen.

 

Obviously, he is not going to make the decision to move. You need to make that decision for him, and enforce it.

 

Given your admitted patterns of weakness on this, I do think it couldn't hurt to get a lawyer involved from the get-go, someone you can consult with briefly about your options and ideally CC on any future correspondence with your BF. You also need at least one or two good friends who have your back entirely throughout this process.

 

Also, given your BF's powers of manipulation, forget any phone call or in-person conversation. Do it all via email. Clearly write out the terms of your ultimatum. CC your friends and the lawyer on this letter and tell him afterwards his email and phone number will be blocked. Then go ahead and actually block those.

[Standard-Fare]

Want to add:

 

This situation has gotten beyond ridiculous. You are thousands of dollars in the hole because of this man, facing a complicated housing debacle in the future. (I'm sure you'll be trying to get out of this lease soon, assuming you don't want to continue carrying a place meant for two people.) The financial repercussions of this will follow you for a long time.

 

Yes, you've made some terrible decisions to bring yourself to this position, and you need to take responsibility for that. But you also need to make sure this cycle doesn't keep repeating itself and burying you deeper in the hole.

 

Stand up for yourself now. Please don't let this miserable situation get any worse.

[No_Go]

Oh, regarding the lease he just told me to pay (my) half for December since he spoke to the landlord. I asked him what he said and it was (I am citing him) "I told him YOU had an emergency trip for which I had to help you, so we will be delayed with the half. Just a little white lie"

 

I am stunned. If I move out WHO KNOWS what a story he'll fabricate. Btw he's local and has all the free time in the world and many contacts, been in and out of legal issues many times; I am a foreigner, researcher in a demanding institution, i.e. spend very long hours out of the house, and have just a handful of friends here.... Things are not in my favor.

 

Anyway, enough crying, I will take actions... As soon as I get enough courage.

 

You will never make it his decision to leave he will stay and hang on as long as he can hes a leach on a host. There is no way to avoid the melt down just make sure you are clear and a safe distance when it starts at that point it doesn't matter cause your starting your life over and he will be history..

 

Your trying to reason with a unreasonable man its not going to happen as I said let your friends know exactly whats going on and how bad things are and that you want to leave and get their help. just make sure they are not going to go back to him?..

 

His situation was self imposed its not your problem OP let him sort it out on his own he sounds like a conman im sure he will do just fine but right now hes got you conditioned not to leave thu his manipulation and abuse you need to realize this and break that cycle since he lied to you I don't know if that lease would even hold up? you might be able to get him off of it if you speak to the landlords...

[KatZee]

You point blank need to stop being so weak and spineless. You're a coward and you think this makes you noble because you care for him and "feel bad for him." This makes you a doormat, not a good person.

 

That being said, you can't have empathy, sympathy, or try to talk to this person like he's a human being. He's not. The fact that he admits to being a manipulator and almost gets off on having people do whatever he wants makes him a borderline sociopath.

 

He's never going to feel sorry for you, or think what he's doing is wrong. He's going to take, take, take, take, take until YOU do something about it.

 

7 grand in debt? I would write down every single thing he owes you, make copies of documents which have both of your names on it, and take him to claims court. You CAN do this.

 

If you're scared to talk to him, send me a message and tell him he has 48 hours to pack up his things and vacate the apartment. Tell him that you will be speaking to management to have his name removed off the contract. Since you've paid for 99.8% of this apartment, it is YOURS not yours and HIS.

 

This guy will never leave on his own accord. Why would he? You let him walk all over you, you pay for him, let him stay there, wipe his a.ss for him. Why the hell would he ever give this up? He's got a free ride all the way and a push over for a girlfriend.

 

Until YOU do something about this, he's going to continue to use you, manipulate you, and take from you until there is nothing left.

 

Once he is out, change the locks on the house, block his number, and everywhere else you have him so he cannot get in contact with you.

 

What he does after that point is not your problem, and not your concern. He's a complete waste of life, a user, and a bottom of the barrel kind of person. He's a grown person. He can take care of himself and doesn't need you looking after him. He'll most likely find some other naive woman to take him in to baby him and help him and fix him.

[No_Go]

Oh, blackcat, sorry for all that happened. These people are so similar: have no remorse...

 

My main thing is the lease now: waiting it to expire by August will be hell; breaking it will be tough

 

 

I wasted more years and bank zeroes than I'd like to admit on one of these idiots. When I finally left him, you know what he did? Stole my credit cards. (*I thought I was tight with my passwords, but I missed one.)

 

After he stole my credit cards, he had the nerve to contact me and ask if I'd sign some documents to save him money on car insurance.

 

...Yeah.

 

Guys like this can be VERY hard sellers when it comes to emotionally manipulating you into staying, and they will suck you dry. Stay strong. Stick to your guns. Get out. Stay wherever you can (mine would have never had the motivation to leave).

 

God eventually pushed me into a car accident to pull me out of that situation. I'd recommend not waiting for that to happen. It is your life and your energy, both of which are precious.

 

It is very, very unlikely people like this change.

 

That ex stopped crying over our breakup once he realized his parents would take care of him again.

 

I'm the kind of person that would prefer to cut my losses, worry about the material stuff later, and extract my sanity from the situation first. If it's possible to find a safe place away from him to make a clearer decision about things like the house, that might help.

 

Good luck.

[KatZee]

Oh, blackcat, sorry for all that happened. These people are so similar: have no remorse...

 

My main thing is the lease now: waiting it to expire by August will be hell; breaking it will be tough

 

You don't have to wait for anything.

 

You know what happens when you break a lease? 90% of the time. Nothing. They just keep your security deposit.

 

Speak to the landlord and let them know that this guy is not paying the rent and you can't afford it. Tell them to keep the security and that you will be out.

[evanescentworld]

Oh, regarding the lease he just told me to pay (my) half for December since he spoke to the landlord. I asked him what he said and it was (I am citing him) "I told him YOU had an emergency trip for which I had to help you, so we will be delayed with the half. Just a little white lie"

You now need to contact the landlord and put him straight. For god's sake, the man is spreading slanderous rumours about you! Contact the landlord and tell him PRECISELY everything that has happened!

 

I am stunned. If I move out WHO KNOWS what a story he'll fabricate. Btw he's local and has all the free time in the world and many contacts, been in and out of legal issues many times; I am a foreigner, researcher in a demanding institution, i.e. spend very long hours out of the house, and have just a handful of friends here.... Things are not in my favor.

Oh for goodness' sake, stop being "A Victim"...! Quit finding reasons as to why everything 'should' play against you, and start making things work FOR you! The location and his habitat is utterly immaterial. If he's a bad fish, then he will stink, no matter where he lives!

And at least you have freinds who you know would help you!

 

Anyway, enough crying, I will take actions... As soon as I get enough courage.

Yeah. Right. You need to do that sooner, rather than later, ok?

[No_Go]

Well thank you for the harsh post - it is an eye opener. I feel like the biggest idiot in the world because I put up with him (and even had a similar story before years with another boyfriend, thankfully NOT live-in; still took 4 months of nightmare to get rid of that one)

 

My current boyfriend has done this before too to his ex of 4 years, so it is a pattern. Obviously I had feelings for him (or a need for affection, I'm even not sure), so does she. Or we both have mama-complex. But in any case, good to see all the opinions here, no one even suggested to try to mend the things... I should finally learn my lesson

 

 

You point blank need to stop being so weak and spineless. You're a coward and you think this makes you noble because you care for him and "feel bad for him." This makes you a doormat, not a good person.

 

That being said, you can't have empathy, sympathy, or try to talk to this person like he's a human being. He's not. The fact that he admits to being a manipulator and almost gets off on having people do whatever he wants makes him a borderline sociopath.

 

He's never going to feel sorry for you, or think what he's doing is wrong. He's going to take, take, take, take, take until YOU do something about it.

 

7 grand in debt? I would write down every single thing he owes you, make copies of documents which have both of your names on it, and take him to claims court. You CAN do this.

 

If you're scared to talk to him, send me a message and tell him he has 48 hours to pack up his things and vacate the apartment. Tell him that you will be speaking to management to have his name removed off the contract. Since you've paid for 99.8% of this apartment, it is YOURS not yours and HIS.

 

This guy will never leave on his own accord. Why would he? You let him walk all over you, you pay for him, let him stay there, wipe his a.ss for him. Why the hell would he ever give this up? He's got a free ride all the way and a push over for a girlfriend.

 

Until YOU do something about this, he's going to continue to use you, manipulate you, and take from you until there is nothing left.

 

Once he is out, change the locks on the house, block his number, and everywhere else you have him so he cannot get in contact with you.

 

What he does after that point is not your problem, and not your concern. He's a complete waste of life, a user, and a bottom of the barrel kind of person. He's a grown person. He can take care of himself and doesn't need you looking after him. He'll most likely find some other naive woman to take him in to baby him and help him and fix him.

[Raena]

Why don't you just pack up your things and leave? There has to be some way you can get out of this situation. Honestly, I'd put in a notice to the landlord that you will be breaking the lease (look at your lease for how much time you need to give) and then move out when the time is up. Find yourself someplace else to go, even if that means renting some little shack and putting your stuff in storage until you can save up money to get a larger place.

 

Whatever you decide to do, you do NOT have to just sit there and let him mooch off of you. Lock the fridge, turn off all unnecessary utilities like cable and internet. Put a lock on the bedroom door and make him sleep on the couch. Make it VERY clear to him that you will NOT be staying with him and it's in his best interest to find someplace else to go.

 

And yes, future reference... do NOT move in with a man after only dating for a month.

 

Trust me, I know how easy it is to get sucked in by manipulative men like him. I had it happen over and over again with my ex. I get it completely. You need to stop listening to ANYTHING that man has to say to you. Do not listen to his words. Men who manipulate like the one you are describing will talk a blue storm up and convince you the sky is purple when you know it's blue. It's time to stop listening to him and start taking action to protect yourself. This relationship is going nowhere fast and you know it or you wouldn't be on here talking about it.