Broken up. Cheating, lying, long-distance, depression. My story..

[DexterLS]

Hi guys,

 

I will try to keep this story as short as possible.

 

I was in a relationship of 7 years with my high-school sweetheart. Everything was great between us although the typical relationship fights. She made me want to be a better person during the relationship. I lost my mom a few years before meeting her and I was somewhat an introvert then but she changed everything.

 

I strived hard to be more social, got into sports, got good grades (always) and after University got a really good job which pays well. In less than 6 months, I bought myself a nice car and got a beach house as I was a heir to my mom's properties. Life was good.

 

The only downside is, she was not the same religion as me and although we knew it was going to be difficult to stay together in the future, we would fight for it. Both of our parents are orthodox persons and we kept the relationship a secret for a long time. We knew if we wanted to be together we had to go abroad.

 

So, last year, she gets a job in another country and promises me that this is just a stepping stone for us to be together. The distance made the relationship a challenging one. I used all my savings to go see her in March this year and then finds out she has been sleeping with a guy during February and they are trying to make it work.

 

I came across an e-mail where she specifically ask the guy for more than just sex. She wanted a relationship. She then tells me, her mom is never going to accept me and that she wants to be with this guy. She told me all that AFTER my trip. During my stay there, although I found out about the "affair", I tried to make it work because I knew what she meant to me but I know she just used me to keep me calm during my stay there so I don't do anything stupid.

 

Oh and while being there, I got to listen to Whatsapp audio message where she was telling her friends EXACTLY what the guy did to her. Her tone in the messages were alien to me and at one point she even says "I don't feel any remorse" for the other guy (me).

 

About the guy, he is physically more attractive than me. Tall, blonde guy with blue eyes. All her friends in her group were attracted at some point with that guy but when the guy became interested with my ex, she went without thinking about me. The guy, however, knew she had a boyfriend but continued her interest in her. It doesn't feel like all he wanted was just sex either because he could have gotten it elsewhere when my ex told him about me. The guy also told my ex's little sister that he values relationships and will not hurt my ex no matter what.

 

So, I did all the wrong things, begged her to be back. Tried to ruin the relationship. With her friends as well. Told her parents what she did. All the bad things to make her come back. At this point, I wasn't thinking anymore. At one point I gave up and some interesting things happened.

 

1) She saw me "moving on" when I was uploading pictures on my Instagram. She then messages me telling me she got jealous and frustrated and sent a nice message to one of the girls she thought was my new girlfriend.

2) She tells me stuff like it's not serious with the new guy. It's not a typical relationship like we had. Things to make me have hopes you see.

3) She sent me e-mails asking about how I am doing.

4) She stalks me all the time. Even admitted it to a friend.

5) She blocks and then unblocks me on Whatsapp to provoke a conversation.

 

However, at one point, she also tells me she was doing all this because she wasn't getting the attention she needed with the other guy. It hurt me but I knew it was coming, I guess.

 

I also got hold of some pictures and her IMs account last week and now I see that they are on a full-fledged relationship. They talk all the time, have sex, meet a lot and they are both really happy.

 

My question at this point is, do you think my ex has the GIGS syndrome? I know it's harmful for me to still have hopes at this point. I know I should just move on but I am finding it increasingly hard to do so. She was my first love.

 

But it feels like she is still finding herself in a new country where she has now the freedom to go out, meet new people, has "options", something which she never could do here. She is suddenly going out to clubs at night and enjoying herself all the time.

 

Yesterday, however, she told me clearly to move on and be happy and the she is praying for me everyday to get over the bad things she did to me and she asked for forgiveness as well.

 

I will keep this thread as my primary breakup thread and if there are ever any updates, I will post it here.

 

Thank you for reading!

[PegNosePete]

Look, it doesn't matter of she has GIGS, PMS, PTSD or WTF. What matters is that your relationship is now over. You need to start moving on from that.

 

The first step towards that target is to go No Contact. That means you do not speak, email, text, FB or contact her in any way. Block her on all social networks, etc. Install an app on your phone to ignore calls and delete messages.

 

Once she is removed form your life, you can begin to move on. Whilst she is still contacting you, it's like picking at a wound. It will never heal.

[joseb]

I was in a 12 year relationship where my ex fiance who we shared a house with was cheating with a guy from her work. Initially I was so shocked and confused, and so used to being with her (she was my college sweetheart) that I was willing to forgive her, willing to do anything to keep her, despite her not exactly being all that remorseful, and although she stopped sleeping with the guy, she still kept talking with him, and she strung me along saying she wasn't sure what she wanted, etc etc. Looking back now, the only regret I have was that I didn't move out, dump her and cut my losses immediately.

 

Your situation is far more clear cut. She has not stopped seeing the guy. She has told you clearly its over and to move on.

She even admitted to playing with you like a cat with a mouse via social media - "However, at one point, she also tells me she was doing all this because she wasn't getting the attention she needed with the other guy."

 

In a lot of ways she has done you a favour. She is very clear its over. She isn't finding herself. You need to salvage a little self respect and pride, and never have anything to do with her again.

Edited May 26, 2015 by joseb

[DexterLS]

Thank you for your responses.

 

I guess it's just too hard for me to let go at this point. There's still a bit of hope that she will come back somewhere in the future. Don't know when.

 

I don't know if that will ever happen. I have had several friends' exes come back but in most cases, they were all males.

 

Oh well.

[PegNosePete]

What the hell man. Why on earth would you want her back? She cheated on you and is currently using you as an emotional tampon. Do you have that little self respect, that if she came knocking, you'd take her back? Man, you need to get some self respect here! After what she's done, if she came crawling back, you should slam the door in her face!!! That is what any self respecting man would do!

[DexterLS]

What the hell man. Why on earth would you want her back? She cheated on you and is currently using you as an emotional tampon. Do you have that little self respect, that if she came knocking, you'd take her back? Man, you need to get some self respect here! After what she's done, if she came crawling back, you should slam the door in her face!!! That is what any self respecting man would do!

 

Nothing is making sense to me right now. She was my first love and it is the first time I'm going through all this. I am sure it will make me a lot stronger though.

[mightycpa]

My question at this point is, do you think my ex has the GIGS syndrome?

Syndrome? No. She went to another country, decided that she might like being with this guy as much as/more than being with you, and she decided to give it a whirl, without bothering to let you go. Presumably, if she didn't like it, she would have come back to you... until the next one.

 

I think what you have to come to grips with is that whatever the reason, geography, religion, family, or because the sky is blue, she likes this guy the way she used to like you. What's more, she didn't respect you enough to give it to you straight, and with your "I tried to make it work" silliness, you buried your one and only chance for her to see you for who you are. This is the impression she will have of you all her life.

 

Text her, or email her, or call, or however you stay in touch. Tell her you forgive her for her betrayal and to never contact you again about anything. Then move on. Even if she would take you back, which she never will, but even if she did, this is not a woman you want.

[DexterLS]

Syndrome? No. She went to another country, decided that she might like being with this guy as much as/more than being with you, and she decided to give it a whirl, without bothering to let you go. Presumably, if she didn't like it, she would have come back to you... until the next one.

 

I think what you have to come to grips with is that whatever the reason, geography, religion, family, or because the sky is blue, she likes this guy the way she used to like you. What's more, she didn't respect you enough to give it to you straight, and with your "I tried to make it work" silliness, you buried your one and only chance for her to see you for who you are. This is the impression she will have of you all her life.

 

Text her, or email her, or call, or however you stay in touch. Tell her you forgive her for her betrayal and to never contact you again about anything. Then move on. Even if she would take you back, which she never will, but even if she did, this is not a woman you want.

 

Why should I lie and tell her I forgave her when clearly I have not? Why do this?

[DexterLS]

Syndrome? No. She went to another country, decided that she might like being with this guy as much as/more than being with you, and she decided to give it a whirl, without bothering to let you go. Presumably, if she didn't like it, she would have come back to you... until the next one.

 

I think what you have to come to grips with is that whatever the reason, geography, religion, family, or because the sky is blue, she likes this guy the way she used to like you. What's more, she didn't respect you enough to give it to you straight, and with your "I tried to make it work" silliness, you buried your one and only chance for her to see you for who you are. This is the impression she will have of you all her life.

 

Text her, or email her, or call, or however you stay in touch. Tell her you forgive her for her betrayal and to never contact you again about anything. Then move on. Even if she would take you back, which she never will, but even if she did, this is not a woman you want.

 

Took your advice and sent her a SMS.

Me: "I forgive you for your betrayal. Please do not get in touch again. For whatever reason. Take care of yourself, bye"

Her: "I did not betray you! Take good care of yourself. Bye"

Me: "Sorry, but all the things you did to me felt like a betrayal. Not that you needed it anyway, but I really do forgive you for everything you did to me. For the ring, throw it away like you threw away all my other stuff. No contact, please. Bye.."

Her: "Yes. **** off".

[DexterLS]

More.

Me: "Alright I will, be happy. "

Her: "Do you think I am that bad? And that I did all these intentionally? I can't explain why all these happened but nothing can be changed now. It happened for the best of someone and for the worst. I may be happy now and you are not but the situation can change. "

Me: "Yeah. But I do wish you stay happy forever. Even with your new partner. Please do not get in touch for whatever reason. Pretend that I'm dead to you. Take care, bye".

[mightycpa]

Why should I lie and tell her I forgave her when clearly I have not? Why do this?

Sorry, I thought you had. In that case, I would have simply said block, and out. But, no harm done.

 

Took your advice and sent her a SMS.

Me: "I forgive you for your betrayal. Please do not get in touch again. For whatever reason. Take care of yourself, bye"

Everything else after that was unnecessary and ill-advised. Stop engaging, and start blocking. Oh, and I suspect you need to be prepared to ignore contact when/where you least expect it. Do not respond. Edited May 26, 2015 by mightycpa

[DexterLS]

Oh, and I suspect you need to be prepared to ignore contact when/where you least expect it. Do not respond.

 

I don't think she is ever going to contact me again. Ever. I know her. Oh and, she admitted to being happy. Why would a happy person come back..? Oh well.

 

The only way we will have contact in the future is if I initiated it, which I won't.

[Latino4Lyfe]

I don't think she is ever going to contact me again. Ever. I know her. Oh and, she admitted to being happy. Why would a happy person come back..? Oh well.

 

The only way we will have contact in the future is if I initiated it, which I won't.

 

Give it a few months once the "honeymoon phase" with this new guy wears off and you shall see. She will find some way to get in touch with you for something.

[DexterLS]

Give it a few months once the "honeymoon phase" with this new guy wears off and you shall see. She will find some way to get in touch with you for something.

 

I do hope you are right. At this point, I shouldn't wait for that to happen anymore but, man, I wish to have the pleasure of seeing that happening. I hope it does.

[DexterLS]

Oh and one thing I forgot:

 

The other guy actually gave my ex two books on love and maintaining a healthy relationship. Although they did get intimate pretty quick (I guess..unlike in my case), the guy wants to have a relationship with her. Matter of fact, he even told my ex's sister about it and met her too.

 

If the guy wanted just a physical relationship, he would have gotten that elsewhere for sure, and even more easily, which means he is serious about all of this.

 

Not that it should be any of my concern, but I don't think there's a honeymoon phase in my case or a future contact I should look forward to...

 

It doesn't seem like this would happen in my case. I would be lying if I said this doesn't disappoint me. I do wish to hear from her in the future when I have already moved on and contact from her doesn't phase me at all. I do wish to have that pleasure.

[DexterLS]

Oh well, a new update.

 

I specifically asked a mutual friend, a month ago, to let me know when my ex uploads a photo with the guy in it. Up until now, there was none.

 

She uploaded one today and things are starting to look like they are truly getting serious between them.

 

I have also asked the friend to stop giving me updates about her life. I blocked all her friends and family. Or anyone related to her for what matter.

[joseb]

Give it a few months once the "honeymoon phase" with this new guy wears off and you shall see. She will find some way to get in touch with you for something.

 

I do hope you are right. At this point, I shouldn't wait for that to happen anymore but, man, I wish to have the pleasure of seeing that happening. I hope it does.

 

You really don't get it still.

You need to block her so that she doesn't contact you when she is bored so she can play with your emotions again. The fact that she will contact you again is NOT a good thing, or something to look forward to.

 

Also, your thinking here is flawed:

If the guy wanted just a physical relationship, he would have gotten that elsewhere for sure, and even more easily, which means he is serious about all of this.

He might have gotten with her precisely because she was in a relationship and not really available, and now that she is available, he could easily get scared off. This is not necessarily the case, but its very possible. All the more reason to make sure you block her.

 

I understand very well personally losing your first love in these circumstances can be very hard, but trust me you need to just man up and move on, and realise that you can never go back to what it was before after what she did to you. You will start to feel better about yourself when you start to do that.

[DexterLS]

You really don't get it still.

He might have gotten with her precisely because she was in a relationship and not really available, and now that she is available, he could easily get scared off. This is not necessarily the case, but its very possible. All the more reason to make sure you block her.

 

I don't think that's true. There are several times I tried to mess things up between them and he is still around, and, I have seen their conversations on her phone, two weeks ago. Don't ask how.

 

The guy wants a relationship and that's it. I do understand I need to let this go. I really do but it's hard to lose a first love. Someone, I planned my whole life ahead and somehow it's difficult to imagine that she could just replace me like this.

 

I knew her practically my whole life. At least, I thought I knew her. Turns out she is completely a different person at this time and I am coming up with all kinds of theories to make me think she will come back.

 

This is toxic, as hell. I just want to go into NC for at least 60 days and see how I feel after that. I know there's no definite time period to make me feel better but setting achievable targets seem the best way to initiate this.

[joseb]

I knew her practically my whole life.

Yeah I felt exactly the same - in my case it was 12 years which was almost all my adult life. So life without her seemed unimaginable. Now, I can't imagine why I even considered giving her another chance. It seems totally ridiculous, given what she did. I will never lose my self respect like that again.

[DexterLS]

Yeah I felt exactly the same - in my case it was 12 years which was almost all my adult life. So life without her seemed unimaginable. Now, I can't imagine why I even considered giving her another chance. It seems totally ridiculous, given what she did. I will never lose my self respect like that again.

 

Thank you. I can't wait to be where you are at right now.

[joseb]

Thank you. I can't wait to be where you are at right now.

 

It takes a little time but you will get there.

For me, it was only when I TRULY let go of any notion of getting back with her that the daily turmoil I was going through started to subside.

[DexterLS]

Feeling like **** today.

 

Sometimes I feel like I can really do this and forget about her and sometimes, she is all I can think of. I know what she did was utterly wrong towards me and I know I should just let it go but,damn, it's so hard.

 

Haven't heard a single thing about her in 3 days of NC and I'm blocked everywhere on her social media accounts. So maybe this gets easier.

[joseb]

 

Haven't heard a single thing about her in 3 days of NC and I'm blocked everywhere on her social media accounts. So maybe this gets easier.

 

Good stuff, no-one said it was easy, but staying NC makes it easier.