K2z Posted August 21, 2015 Share Posted August 21, 2015 (edited) Please help me out. I was in a three year relationship with a Thai woman. I'm 45, she's 35. She's not a bar girl or anything like that. She went to visit her sister for a couple months and broke it off with me. There had been warnings that I was not acting quickly enough to make marriage plans, and she has a valid point on that. We didn't talk in concrete terms about marriage.. I was waiting, in western guy style, to "propose" in a sort of magic moment way. In breaking up, the key reason she wrote was "she knows I don't want to marry her 100%." There were other issues, but that was the main one. There are cultural issues here, for sure. A Thai family tends to depend on children-- and by extension, in-laws-- for support. So stability and planning were more important than I realized. We have essentially been out of contact for two months. Just the other day, she responded to a short but heartfelt email I sent a month ago (saying this is a mistake, I am ready to commit my whole life to you, etc.) with one line: "I miss u so much." I responded back -- too soon, I will admit-- that I missed her very much too. What seems to be have been going on here is not a loss of love, but rather insecurity over my failure to offer a reassuring life path. So: do I write and map out a concrete plan? It feels like a negotiation. But maybe a short, concrete note might help things? What do you think? Edited August 21, 2015 by K2z rephrase Link to post Share on other sites
Author K2z Posted August 21, 2015 Author Share Posted August 21, 2015 something terse. a roadmap. We can do X, Y, Z. I see the error of my ways, and here is some tactical life mapping info. Link to post Share on other sites
NopeNah Posted August 21, 2015 Share Posted August 21, 2015 Honestly... do you really want to be with someone out of their and their families "dependence'" on you? Seems pretty shallow, no matter what culture. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author K2z Posted August 21, 2015 Author Share Posted August 21, 2015 Well, it is part of the culture. I kind of knew that early on. And I don't think the "amount" of money/support is as crucial as the assurances... the life plan. That said, when I moved her over to my place in a different Asian country, I wasn't forthcoming with help for her parents and she complains that she "felt bad" asking for help. It would have been a couple hundred bucks a month, and I didn't budget it. So it was a lapse of commitment on my part, I feel. I know how it looks from a distance, and without much context. But this woman really wasn't the "latch on to a western guy" stereotype. There is, however, a certain level of dependency built into the equation, marbled with a lot of love and consideration. That's why I am wrestling with writing a short letter, versus the conventional wisdom of no contact. Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted August 21, 2015 Share Posted August 21, 2015 If you want to be with her you have to accept the way her culture works. That means you'd have to contribute what you can to her family. Personally, I'd have no problem with that. None at all. It's only money, and if it helps, why not? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author K2z Posted August 21, 2015 Author Share Posted August 21, 2015 And I would emphasize that the money itself is less important than the clarity of planning and the willingness to participate in the family. That said, I have had the same hellish month of separation anxiety that everyone else on this forum discusses and I am trying to figure out how to culturally calibrate. Does NC mean the same thing across cultures, and in this situation? Or does it make more sense to be proactive, and spell things out. That's the hamster wheel in my brain of late. Link to post Share on other sites
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