TyLongfellow Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 Hey folks, my gf broke up with me a about a month ago after we had an argument. She has a drinking problem, in that she totally changes when she drinks liquor. She is also bipolar. She is only 100 pounds so she gets drunk quick and doesn’t stop. Well, her and my mom are good friends, but my mom had a drinking problem too, and when they go out they usually go to the bar and try to hide it from me. Her and I are both 25, I live with my mom. She lives with her grandparents. Well one night they went out and they got into an argument so she went home. I thought she was going to come stay with me that night. Later, she messaged me on FB. She was saying she didn’t drink in a mean tone. I didn’t even ask about her drinking but I knew she was drunk. She goes off on me. I kept my cool. The next morning she apologized. I ignored her. I have an issue where if I’m mad at her I ignore her. A few days went by and she text me again saying she doesn’t know if we should be together anymore. I ignored it and 2 days later messaged her that I wanted to get through this. She said it was already over. Over the next few days I would message her, but she acted like she was unsure about getting back together. One morning she would say if we do get back together things would need to change and that I should call her later. I called her later and she was complete opposite. Telling me she doesn’t think it would work and we would be back in the same position again. I told her my immense feelings for her and even begged a bit towards the end of the call. She was hot and cold every day, I think she was taking pills and drinking to deal with the grief. I should tell you that a few months leading to the breakup, I was going through a tough period of my life. I stopped going to school and could not find a job. I was going away on the weekends to watch football with friends. I was neglecting her more than usual. I was depressed but thought I could wiggle out of it myself without talking to her about it much. This was my fault. I am introverted and she is extroverted. I have never been great at showing a ton of affection. She is the type that uses social media a lot and wants tons of attention. She is skinny and sexy with tattoos, guys drool over her. Around the time of the breakup, I got a job and things were starting to look up. I was planning on taking her places and having fun. This was not possible before because neither of us have a car or money. About 2 weeks after the breakup, she told me she was going up north on a vacation to see her family and clear her head. She went to my house to pick up her things and I came home from work early. I walked in and she was acting normal and friendly. She hugged me and said she needed to catch her train. I asked her if anything has changed. She said no. She told me that she doesn’t have those romantic feelings for me anymore and that she feels like we are more of just friends. Also that she feels I am forcing her to feel something that she doesn’t. I got emotional and cried in front of her. She told me she doesn’t need this and I’ll be ok and left. She texted me after saying I will be ok with every day, week, and month. Also saying we are young and it won’t be the first time I got through this. I pleaded and said I’m sorry. She told me to stop and she should have to feel bad for how she feels. She said we shouldn’t contact each other for a while, and that she doesn’t want to be with anyone else, and just wants to focus on herself. She then blocked me on FB. The same day she posted a status saying that anyone who tries to control someone is the weak link. She told me she wasn’t blocking me on FB, but instead deactivating her account. She was blocking me though. A few days later, I heard through a friend that she posted a picture on FB of her straddling another man while he is kissing her cheek. She posted pictures of her wearing new clothes in the same room. I realized she wasn’t seeing her family, she was with him somewhere. This devastated me. How could she move on so quickly and lie to me about it? I told my mom and she recognized the guy. He is 44 years old and my mom said the guy was always at the bar talking to her. She says he always hits on every younger girl. He is a realtor and has a lot of money. He is also very good looking for his age, and is known as a smooth talker. So after 2 weeks NC, I texted her I needed to tell her something. She responded with “?”, then 3 minutes later, she said “Im moving on and I think you should do the same. If I had anything else to say I would have said it to you by now. Please don’t text me anymore.” I responded a bit later, “I was just going to say that there is a chihuahua that keeps barking at my door, just reminded me of you. I do hope that you are doing well. I am moving on, and I apologize for texting you.” She replied, “Thanks, I hope you are doing well too.” About 4 hours later she texted me again. “I apologize for being so snippy earlier. It was rude of me to assume anything. Like I said, I hope you are doing well.” I didn’t respond to any of these. 30 minutes later she texts me again. “I don’t want to like be enemies or anything like that. I’m sorry for being b*tchy, just wanted to apologize is all.” The next day she unblocked me on FB but we still aren’t friends. Everything she posts is private. About a week later I ran into her at the bar. When she saw me she appeared to panic and walk out fast by herself. She didn't look at me. That was August 28. Since then she has been broken up with the older guy. I heard he was with another girl at the same time but I'm not sure. She also was posting some weird statuses saying that she was "craving" certain food. She was basically implying she was pregnant and posting them public. She will make posts public then make them private the next day. After she left the older guy, she went back to a rebound she had before him. This guy is our age but he live hours away. They mush have met during our break. She left him for the old guy then went back to him. This lasted about 4 days. He posted a status about getting his heart broken. I feel like she is still using Facebook to try to make me angry. I am not her friend but she will posts things public at times. I have not fallen into the trap. It has been 18 days since I last texted her, and 13 days since we saw each other at the bar. She openly flirts with guys on FB. Her personality has always been flirtatious and sexual. She isn't very smart and very irrational. She acts on impulse. Everytime we have broken up, she searches for a rebound. Its all confusing because she used to adore me. She is the type that LOVES the attention, and I was never the type to be super romantic or extremely open with my feelings. Sorry for the length. I'd appreciate any thoughts on what I should do or thoughts in general.
Author TyLongfellow Posted September 10, 2015 Author Posted September 10, 2015 I noticed I said we have only been broke up for a month, its actually been more than that. She initiated the break up on July 15, we talked until Aug 4, then it was basically official. I found out she was with someone else on Aug 5. So Its been almost a month and a half. Sorry for the confusion.
Oregon_Dude Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 Your ex is an alcoholic and likely a narcissist. You are better off without her, trust me. I know it hurts right now, but with enough time, you will be glad you don't have to deal with her issues anymore. Take care and be kind to yourself. Give yourself time to grieve. But know that this is a good thing that this has ended.
Author TyLongfellow Posted September 10, 2015 Author Posted September 10, 2015 It's just so difficult. When things were good, she wouldn't drink because she knew that I didn't like it because it would cause problems. People keep telling me she did me a favor, but they don't know about our good times and how much she actually loved me. I'm not the most attractive guy, and she gave me more attention than any girl ever has. I miss the good sex, holding each other, and trying to help her in life. Its hard for me to come to grips because she was usually the one who was afraid I would break up with her after her mistakes. Yet I would assure her she was the one for me and I would fight for what we had.
Oregon_Dude Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 You are a co-dependent. You need to work on your own issues here, man. You took way, way, way too much crap from this woman, and still were begging for more at the end. 2
StrangerThanFiction Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 I think you may be more addicted to the drama then you were actually in love with this girl, OP. Nothing you've said about her is positive besides the fact that she's skinny and attractive and that's purely superficial and won't stay the case for long if she keeps up the drinking. Other than that she sounds like her whole personality is wrapped up in getting male attention. If she hasn't cheated on you yet, she will in the future if you get back together and I'm sorry to say, but just from what you've said about all the other men in her life, she probably has already. She's a sinking ship and she definitely did you a favor by breaking up with you. The good times may have seemed really good, but I think that's only because there were may more many bad times as a comparison back drop. My advice: stop checking her FaceBook!! You've stated you know she's using it to eff with you, so don't play her game! Block, block, block her from everything. Cut contact completely and run. It hurts right now, but I'll bet after a shorter time than you may think you'll be feeling much better and see just how big of a bomb you avoided by her breaking up with you. You just have to make the choice to do so. Good luck, man.
Author TyLongfellow Posted September 10, 2015 Author Posted September 10, 2015 Thanks for the responses. I agree with much of what you guys said, 8 years is a long time and I think that is what is so hard with letting go. We did have common interests, and I miss talking about that stuff. Even if I never take her back, it hurts my pride knowing that she left because of how I neglected her for a few months during my depression. I am doing much better now in that sense, but this whole break up has hindered my happiness. I want her to see what she lost. You're right, I may have some kind of craving for the drama. It's weird. Perhaps it's just what I'm used to. I just feel a bit helpless because it took so much work to get her, and now I feel like it will be hard to attract another girl.
Author TyLongfellow Posted September 10, 2015 Author Posted September 10, 2015 I think you hit it right by saying her whole personality is wrapped up in getting male attention. Her dad left her when she was young. Her brother has serious mental issues. Her mom has loony problems from pills. I broke up with her about 3 years ago and that night she got all f***** up and hooked up with some low life guy. She called me crying about it. The next day she said she only kissed him. Her friend told me two weeks ago she had sex with him that night and she told her when she was drunk. Whenever we broke up, its like she would search for that attention for whatever reason.
Downtown Posted September 11, 2015 Posted September 11, 2015 Ty, what makes you think she has bipolar disorder? Was she diagnosed as having bipolar-1 or bipolar-2? How does her emotional instability show itself in her behavior? I ask because you have not been describing her instability as far as I can tell.
Author TyLongfellow Posted September 11, 2015 Author Posted September 11, 2015 She told me she had bipolar disorder after we were together for awhile. I don't know which type. She will have these unwarranted outbursts at times. She also would have these episodes of crying when she wasn't sure what was wrong. She used to say "there is something wrong with me." Many times she would go off on me on messenger and then apologize over and over the next morning. She also has anxiety. She used to be prescribed xanax, when we first got together she would abuse it, then after awhile I think she started selling it, I'm not sure. She always kept things about her prescriptions from me. I always told her she didn't need that stuff. She is prescribed adderall, which she loves but mostly sold it for money since she has no job. About 4-5 months ago she pinched a nerve working out at the gym. The doctor gave her Vicodin and she ended up addicted. When she got off, she was all sorts of a mess, having suicidal thoughts. I was there for her and helped her through it. I'm not sure if she ever fully recovered from that.
Downtown Posted September 11, 2015 Posted September 11, 2015 She told me she had bipolar disorder after we were together for awhile. I don't know which type. She will have these unwarranted outbursts at times. Ty, perhaps she is correct about the bipolar disorder. That is not what you're describing, however. Rather, the behaviors you describe -- lack of impulse control, strong anger issues, flipping between "hot and cold every day," and temper tantrums that can be triggered quickly by a minor comment or action -- are warning signs for having strong traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Significantly, this distinction is very important because, whereas bipolar usually can be treated quite successfully by swallowing a pill, BPD is a thought distortion that medication cannot make a dent in. It is very difficult to treat because it is rare for BPDers to have sufficient self awareness and ego strength to stay in therapy long enough to make a real difference. I therefore suggest you take a look at my post at 12 BPD/Bipolar Differences, which is based on my experiences with a bipolar-1 sufferer (my foster son) and a BPDer (my exW). If that description of BPD traits rings many bells, I would suggest you also check out my list of red flags at 18 BPD Warning Signs. Also, you will find a more detailed description of them in my posts at Rebel's Thread. If that description rings some bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Significantly, even if she were to actually have bipolar, that would not rule out her also having BPD. A recent study of nearly 35,000 American adults found that if a person has bipolar-1 (i.e., having periods of strong mania alternating with periods of depression) the chance of also having full-blown BPD is about a third. See Table 3 at 2008 Study in JCP. Take care, Ty. 1
bluefeather Posted September 11, 2015 Posted September 11, 2015 So weird how I can see parts of myself in you and that relationship too. It feels kind of good to know that I am not alone. You feel sorry for her sometimes, don't you? Even when she hurts you. I bet she is quite alluring, and she can get away with a lot because of it. She does what she wants. She is creative, maybe even artistic. Wonderful and almost worshipful on a good day, but her emotions always get the best of her. It can change from the best day ever with her to the worst in a matter of an hour. Maybe less? And you have come to be able to predict it? Would you monitor your words? Careful not to say the "wrong" thing to set her off? Constant changing of hot and cold, hot and cold. But I could never handle eight years of that. You must be very resilient, or you have issues of your own. It's ok. I don't think anyone out there has been brought up perfectly. I have my own problems as well, which is why it hurt so much to be without someone even though her presence did more harm than good. But here is the truth that I came to learn: That is no way to live. That is no way to love. This may seem easy for people on the outside to see, but it was very hard for me. Me, who only chose to see the good times, and would gloss over the horrible ones (and they were quite horrible). That is no way to live. That is no way to love. Once I came to terms with this, I was able to actually begin moving on. And I am truly grateful that the spell is broken. Now that I can look back with clearer eyes, I do not want to go back there.
bluefeather Posted September 11, 2015 Posted September 11, 2015 Ty, perhaps she is correct about the bipolar disorder. That is not what you're describing, however. Rather, the behaviors you describe -- lack of impulse control, strong anger issues, flipping between "hot and cold every day," and temper tantrums that can be triggered quickly by a minor comment or action -- are warning signs for having strong traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Significantly, this distinction is very important because, whereas bipolar usually can be treated quite successfully by swallowing a pill, BPD is a thought distortion that medication cannot make a dent in. It is very difficult to treat because it is rare for BPDers to have sufficient self awareness and ego strength to stay in therapy long enough to make a real difference. I therefore suggest you take a look at my post at 12 BPD/Bipolar Differences, which is based on my experiences with a bipolar-1 sufferer (my foster son) and a BPDer (my exW). If that description of BPD traits rings many bells, I would suggest you also check out my list of red flags at 18 BPD Warning Signs. Also, you will find a more detailed description of them in my posts at Rebel's Thread. If that description rings some bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Significantly, even if she were to actually have bipolar, that would not rule out her also having BPD. A recent study of nearly 35,000 American adults found that if a person has bipolar-1 (i.e., having periods of strong mania alternating with periods of depression) the chance of also having full-blown BPD is about a third. See Table 3 at 2008 Study in JCP. Take care, Ty. Downtown, I would like to read these as well. Thank you for posting.
Author TyLongfellow Posted September 11, 2015 Author Posted September 11, 2015 I think she fits right in with most of those. Although when we were together, she seemed like she was in love with me more. When we would have arguments, it was usually because I would get upset over not seeing her. We would plan a day, then she would push it back, then push it back again. This would happen all the time with her. As for the argument that basically started the breakup, she went drinking with my mom, when she came over I was already assuming what she was going to do so I wasn't real happy. She took that as the "spark" not being there anymore. They went to the bar and I guess they got into an argument (not surprising when they drink). I believe that is when the older man was in her ear telling her she can do better than me and that our fights would always cycle (good for 3 months then bad). That night is when I texted her (...), she all of a sudden went off on me because she assumed that I assumed she was drinking. I knew she was drunk but she just lied and lied. She apologized the next morning and I ignored her for days. Thats when it went downhill. I told her I wanted to fix things but she said it was already over.
Author TyLongfellow Posted September 11, 2015 Author Posted September 11, 2015 Bluefeather, I do feel sorry for her because I know what she is doing is going to get her nowhere. It really pains me. I've always wanted her to talk about her feelings with me but she usually wouldn't. My personality is very stoic, I seem cold at times even when Im not trying to be. She would annoy the hell out of me at times, and I would be cold. She even told me one night she was afraid to say anything because she felt I might get pissed off. That really hurt me. I just wanted to be there for her in any situation. She gave me more attention than any girl ever (I'm not great at talking to girls, she was my first girlfriend). I had much more direction in life than her (college education, college athlete). She only has her GED. I felt that could of been a reason why she would never leave me, but my intentions were always good. I have strong morals and valued honesty greatly. It would hurt when she lied because she lied about the smallest things.
bluefeather Posted September 11, 2015 Posted September 11, 2015 I'm actually just starting to research this BPD. I have never heard of it before until now. she said she was bipolar.. but this matched her precisely. I have to read a lot more. I've read from 1 to 18. the "mini-story" of HarmonyInDisonance were interesting. I feel almost like I am reliving my past relationship with a new look. The problem is that I have already been at the process of letting it go. I don't think I wanted to go back there. There is so much light on this now, that explains so much. This is a lot to think about. TyLongfellow, I wish you luck. I still have much to learn. 1
Author TyLongfellow Posted September 11, 2015 Author Posted September 11, 2015 I agree mate. To think back and imagine talking to a 4 year old really makes a lot of sense. It's like she was a spoiled brat. Good riddance. She can enjoy other guys taking care of her for one month at a time before they realize who she is.
Diezel Posted September 11, 2015 Posted September 11, 2015 What should you do? Avoid her. At. All. Costs. She's POISONOUS to your life. Go find yourself someone better... shouldn't be too hard.
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