Knee-Jerk Break Up, NC, and the first 24 hours

[Mr. Disposable]

Hello Everyone,

 

Hoped I'd never be back on these forums, but I'm back after a 2 year hiatus.

 

My girlfriend of right around two years and I just broke up on Halloween night. We had been fighting consistently for about 2-3 months. The stress of her graduate program and my re-entry into college (my third degree ) plus my 40 hr/week job just got to be too much.

 

We had been working on getting back into the swing of things. We seemed pretty happy. We were being lovey dovey, going on dates, having sex, laughing, and just generally enjoying each other's company again. The upward trend was three days strong (which at this point was great) but unfortunately I triggered a big fight.

 

I expressed my jealousy regarding one of her female friends. This friend was in all of her future plans, helped her through our stress, and seemed to be the only person who cheered her up when things were crappy between us. I only wanted to hear that my efforts were making a difference. That I too was making her happy. As I write this, I realize how stupid the whole thing was.

 

When I expressed this to her, she became furious. We got into a big fight and I laughed at something she said. She asked me to leave if I thought that what she said was funny. I didn't, but I was pissed at her invitation to leave.

 

I left for about 15 minutes, drove around, called her and we agreed to meet and talk. The conversation was heated, involved a ton of crying and yelling, and she said that she needed time to get over the hurt of the things that were said during our fight.

 

I couldn't handle that and sort of pushed things to being a break up. She said she couldn't handle my suggestions to break up anymore and that if I was going to say that I was done to mean it. Ultimately, she decided to walk out of my car and not make the effort to work things out.

 

I'm mostly hurt considering that when I made the suggestion, she always begged me to come back and to stay. To work things out. To just show each other affection and try to power through.

 

I'm not sure how to feel. It's 2:00 AM, I've got work tomorrow, and after 24 hours of NC, I'm hurting badly. She didn't reach out. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, but it's killing me.

 

Any help or advice, words of kindness, etc. are much appreciated. She's 21 and I'm 25.

[Lostinlovexx]

You're the same as me man, always suggesting a break up when it's the last thing we actually want. I don't understand why we do it. I'm in the same boat at the moment, but think I've now pushed her over the edge, no more last chances.

 

What we both need is the help and get to the point of never suggesting a break up, let's a fight just be a fight. Every couple argues, but not every one breaks up.

 

I think we use it as a game, to test the loyalty of our partners, to want to see them fight for us, but this is crazy and stupid, and people can only take so much.

 

As for advice, I'm not the best to give it tbh, but just work on what makes you want to break up everytime, promise yourself it just can't happen again.

[Poutrew]

I know you feel like sh*t right now, bit you needed this. Your woman was telling you by her actions that this other woman is more important to her than you are. If you get back together with her, just know that before you do anything, you will have to run it by her girlfriend first, and that if it doesn't meet her approval you just wont do it. Sex ? BJ's? Vacation? Cuddling? Life? I know a woman like this - she basically was a closet bisexual keeping the man around just to pay the bills. Her GF was where her sun and moon set. If you stay with this one, you will just have to get used to being second banana. This is a special kind of cuckolding that will eventually destroy your male self-respect. Cut this one loose to be with her #1 girlfriend and find a woman who want only you. They are out there!

[Mr. Disposable]

It's day two. 7:43 AM. I'm dying for the blue light on my phone to start dancing, flickering on and off to let me know that she still cares. That she still loves me and wants to save this.

 

I felt sick to my stomach this morning. Couldn't eat a bite of food and as I brushed my teeth my body violently began dry heaving. I feel like giving up. I had strange dreams all night and my body felt like it was overheating.

 

I kept dreaming that making her some type of survey was going to bring us together and get us talking. I woke up clutching my phone. I guess I dreamed that I was texting her and that she was happy with me for a brief moment.

 

I guess I walked away feeling like the only thing I was loved for was helping her with her homework, her projects. All of the things that helped her gain recognition.

 

If I just knew how not to be the type of coward that pulled the nuclear option. I never should've threatened the break up. I never should have walked out.

 

But you know, a huge part of me feels like she would have ended things anyway. Maybe that would have just been delaying the inevitable.

 

I love her so much and I want to tell her. I want to reach out and let her know that she's one of a kind and that I don't want to lose her.

 

Things she already knows. The temptation to break NC is unbearable. I'm sitting here at work staring at my phone. My body feels numb and it's actually kind of nice.

 

I don't want to lose her, but because of a stupid fight...she's lost. My best friend, gone in an instant.

[Mr. Disposable]

I know you feel like sh*t right now, bit you needed this. Your woman was telling you by her actions that this other woman is more important to her than you are. If you get back together with her, just know that before you do anything, you will have to run it by her girlfriend first, and that if it doesn't meet her approval you just wont do it. Sex ? BJ's? Vacation? Cuddling? Life? I know a woman like this - she basically was a closet bisexual keeping the man around just to pay the bills. Her GF was where her sun and moon set. If you stay with this one, you will just have to get used to being second banana. This is a special kind of cuckolding that will eventually destroy your male self-respect. Cut this one loose to be with her #1 girlfriend and find a woman who want only you. They are out there!

 

I want to be clear: I'm not suggesting anything like this is/was happening. Her friend was a close friend since childhood. My expression of jealousy was just to say, "Honey, I need to know that I'm helping too." Things got out of hand, escalated and I lost the only woman I've ever truly loved.

 

I don't blame her for confiding in her friend and seeking social support when things were tough. It's what women do. I just wanted to feel useful too. I wanted to feel like I still excited her too.

 

Instead, I forced a break up and pushed her to ask for time to think. I know that it's over for her. It's over for us. I'm just hurting very badly and attempting to come to terms with something that I don't think time can help me learn to accept.

[Wewon]

You both seemed to enjoy making ultimatums to each other at the heat of the moment.

 

The problem with this habit is that it causes everyone to have to constantly save face; noone wants to have to constantly make the decision between breaking up and being the other person's b*@ (which is why most people hate ultimatums).

 

I don't know if your current relationship is salvageable, but I do think that a lesson from this is for you to learn how to de-escalate conflict.

[Mr. Disposable]

You both seemed to enjoy making ultimatums to each other at the heat of the moment.

 

The problem with this habit is that it causes everyone to have to constantly save face; noone wants to have to constantly make the decision between breaking up and being the other person's b*@ (which is why most people hate ultimatums).

 

I don't know if your current relationship is salvageable, but I do think that a lesson from this is for you to learn how to de-escalate conflict.

 

Yeah, I guess you're right. That's all that I have left at this point. She left and there's no hope that she's coming back.

 

I've gotta learn, pick up the pieces, and move on

 

Man, I just wish I didn't love her. Loving her the way that I do makes this so much more painful. We fought like hell to be with each other and to overcome so many significantly more difficult things. It's incredible that the relationship is ending over something so small.

 

I guess I deserved this.

[Satu]

If you're "fighting constantly," the relationship is deeply flawed.

 

Is it worth persevering with something that shaky?

 

If so, why?

[Mr. Disposable]

If you're "fighting constantly," the relationship is deeply flawed.

 

Is it worth persevering with something that shaky?

 

If so, why?

 

We were fighting over stupid things. Little stressors that we couldn't handle. Like I said, the grind of school and work and our relationship together became too much.

 

I made the piss poor decision to go back to school as she was entering her grad program. I feel like that was the beginning of the end for us.

 

I stressed about too much and didn't know how to handle it. My reactionary way of handling things slowly snuffed out her patience, kindness, and eventually her love.

 

I love her and outside of the unbearable stress that I created for us, we were fantastic for each other.

 

The 40 hr a week job + full time online 7.5 week classes, 3 at a time, is not a typical life scenario. It was atypical stress and I wish I hadn't chosen this path.

[mightycpa]

You're the same as me man, always suggesting a break up when it's the last thing we actually want. I don't understand why we do it.

You do it because you're immature when it comes to expressing your emotions productively. You still have tantrums and you're like a little drama queen. Every person goes through this, girls generally learn how earlier than guys do, and from what I've seen, guys have to suffer through the consequences before they get it.

 

You know all that improvement everybody talks about? Understanding and expressing your emotions rationally should be at the top of your list. It will really help you in the future.

[Mr. Disposable]

You do it because you're immature when it comes to expressing your emotions productively. You still have tantrums and you're like a little drama queen. Every person goes through this, girls generally learn how earlier than guys do, and from what I've seen, guys have to suffer through the consequences before they get it.

 

You know all that improvement everybody talks about? Understanding and expressing your emotions rationally should be at the top of your list. It will really help you in the future.

 

Hurtfully as it's phrased, you're right. Thank you for your insight. I'm afraid that for me this learning experience came at too high a price.

[mightycpa]

Hurtfully as it's phrased, you're right. Thank you for your insight. I'm afraid that for me this learning experience came at too high a price.

I think we all feel that way at some point. You're right, you've paid a steep price to learn this. Don't squander what you've already paid for.

[Satu]

We were fighting over stupid things. Little stressors that we couldn't handle. Like I said, the grind of school and work and our relationship together became too much.

 

I made the piss poor decision to go back to school as she was entering her grad program. I feel like that was the beginning of the end for us.

 

I stressed about too much and didn't know how to handle it. My reactionary way of handling things slowly snuffed out her patience, kindness, and eventually her love.

 

I love her and outside of the unbearable stress that I created for us, we were fantastic for each other.

 

The 40 hr a week job + full time online 7.5 week classes, 3 at a time, is not a typical life scenario. It was atypical stress and I wish I hadn't chosen this path.

 

 

 

I'll share my self - penned motto with you:

 

"I only give the best of myself to others. The 'less than best' I work on in my own time."

 

Give that statement a little thought.

 

 

Take care.

Edited November 2, 2015 by Satu

[drallafi]

It's day two. 7:43 AM. I'm dying for the blue light on my phone to start dancing, flickering on and off to let me know that she still cares.

 

 

Not to get off topic, but I read an article a few years back talking about people becoming addicted to that flashing light on their phones. Thought it was weird at the time but as I get older, I'm starting to understand. Anyway, on topic... Man up and call the girl. Don't text her, make a phone call. Don't beg or anything, just tell her you want to see her and you want to talk. No expectations, but don't go out like this.

[Mr. Disposable]

Not to get off topic, but I read an article a few years back talking about people becoming addicted to that flashing light on their phones. Thought it was weird at the time but as I get older, I'm starting to understand. Anyway, on topic... Man up and call the girl. Don't text her, make a phone call. Don't beg or anything, just tell her you want to see her and you want to talk. No expectations, but don't go out like this.

 

Thanks for the support, drallafi. Yeah, it can be a pretty serious addiction. I catch myself reflexively looking over at my phone.

 

I did. I called her and we talked for about an hour. I know that it goes against all of the NC stuff that everyone is always pushing for, but I only live once. This is my life, not the rehearsal.

 

I apologized, made suggestions for how we can avoid heading back to the status quo and how we can be healthy and happy together. I told her how I felt about her, what she means to me, and that I'd risk anything to be with her. I spoke my mind and I feel way better. I've got a counseling appointment scheduled to try to work through my communication patterns.

 

Regardless of how this turns out, she's worth the risk.

[Mr. Disposable]

I took and chance and called her yesterday morning. I poured my heart out and gave my suggestions for fixing things. She said she loved me and asked if it would be okay to take some time to process. She apologized for not being strong or optimistic for me. She cried a lot and expressed her fear at winding up here again. I said that it was okay and that I understood.

 

I didn't hear from her again until later that night.

 

She thanked me for calling and said that she was processing a lot and just needed some time to think things through. She said that she hoped I could be patient with her. I simply accepted and said that I'm processing a lot too.

 

I'm really struggling with NC. I feel sick, can barely eat, I'm having trouble sleeping...I feel feverish and sad. Any help with getting through is very much appreciated.

 

Thanks, Everyone

[Mr. Disposable]

It's the day after the late night desperation. Any help getting through this unbearable silence is much appreciated.

[mightycpa]

It's the day after the late night desperation. Any help getting through this unbearable silence is much appreciated.

My advice is to focus on you, not her. Improvement, remember? Her accepting you "as-is" is probably the biggest obstacle you'll ever face when it comes to meaningful and lasting change.

[Mr. Disposable]

My advice is to focus on you, not her. Improvement, remember? Her accepting you "as-is" is probably the biggest obstacle you'll ever face when it comes to meaningful and lasting change.

 

It's hard to do. I'm trying to feel well enough to exercise. It's only been a couple of days and I constantly feel sick, weak, and dizzy.

 

Can you explain what you mean by what's in bold?

[theredpill]

Takes one person to stop an argument or fight.

 

 

Real men don't argue, they discuss the situation and try to understand the emotions of why she's mad. When your woman is upset, open her up, let her tell you what's wrong. Don't try to fix it or offer advice unless she asks, listen to her and I mean listen!

 

 

This is a billon times better than fighting...

[mightycpa]

It's hard to do. I'm trying to feel well enough to exercise. It's only been a couple of days and I constantly feel sick, weak, and dizzy.

 

Can you explain what you mean by what's in bold?

Sure. What I mean is that it's difficult to change yourself. Generally, that takes some real motivation, and motivation comes from one of two places - within, or from the outside.

 

You've had a little taste of consequences, but if she takes you back, you're going to naturally fall back into your same patterns. It takes someone very extraordinary to fundamentally change, or perhaps "grow up" is the right way to describe your situation, from just a slap on the wrist. I'm not saying it's impossible, I'm just saying that from a practical point of view, you might eventually conclude that you can operate business as usual, just like you did before.

 

Time will tell, and time will tell if you even get a chance to find out.

[Mr. Disposable]

Takes one person to stop an argument or fight.

 

 

Real men don't argue, they discuss the situation and try to understand the emotions of why she's mad. When your woman is upset, open her up, let her tell you what's wrong. Don't try to fix it or offer advice unless she asks, listen to her and I mean listen!

 

 

This is a billon times better than fighting...

 

This is true and maybe I'm in the process of becoming a "real man". Whatever that means. I'm coming to understand this through plenty of reading, introspection, and therapy.

 

I'd give anything to have the chance to listen and make change, but as I've read and heard from every source....it's not likely.

 

It's so painful and challenging to just sit back and wait when I have so much to say. It's rainy and cold out today and I know that she has class tonight. I want to say. "Hey, just thinking of you. Stay warm and safe." But what good would it do?

 

I don't want to be pathetic, but I don't want this. She stated that she needed time and asked for my patience. She's been a very respectful and faithful girlfriend, so I want to honor her and her request.

 

But man, I'll be damned if there's not this person in me that just wants to talk things through or just hug it out. I believe in this and my love for her is very sincere.

 

Sure. What I mean is that it's difficult to change yourself. Generally, that takes some real motivation, and motivation comes from one of two places - within, or from the outside.

 

You've had a little taste of consequences, but if she takes you back, you're going to naturally fall back into your same patterns. It takes someone very extraordinary to fundamentally change, or perhaps "grow up" is the right way to describe your situation, from just a slap on the wrist. I'm not saying it's impossible, I'm just saying that from a practical point of view, you might eventually conclude that you can operate business as usual, just like you did before.

 

Time will tell, and time will tell if you even get a chance to find out.

 

You are absolutely right. Given the patterns of behavior that were present and the things that we kept falling back into time and again...change is hard. I was working with motivation from within prior to the break, but obviously the outside influence is giving me an extra push during the break.

 

I understand that for most people, the fear of loss far outweighs the willingness to work for something good. This isn't the case with me. This woman is special to me. I've always been willing to work hard for her. In my pursuit of that mindset, I neglected certain aspects of the work in exchange for others.

 

I've no intention of doing that anymore. I'm seeing a therapist and invited her to come to couples therapy with me to try to work through our communication problems.

 

I love her as a person. I'm not afraid of losing her and I can't afford to be. My fear lies, instead, in the knowledge that I'm not going to stop loving her. She's an incredible person and a loving partner. I was lucky to have her.

 

You're right. I may never get the chance.

[Mr. Disposable]

Day three. Having some thoughts about texting her and saying, "I just can't wait around anymore."

 

Clearly the desperation talking. I feel really sick. Having trouble sleeping consistently. My body wakes me up at random times of the night and early morning. I want to make the ambiguity end.

 

I miss her and want to contact her so badly. I filled out a famed therapist's relationship inventory. Was disappointed to see that I had significantly more good things than bad to say. I wrote an apology letter, but didn't send it. It was hard.

 

When I finished writing, I was surrounded by people, but unable to cry. Writing that letter and not sending it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

 

I resisted the urge to text her last night before/after class. I wanted to make sure that she was safe and warm during the storm. I had the temptation to offer to walk her to her car after class.

 

My brother's advice was "Let her miss those things." Maybe he's right.

 

I have to shower and get ready for work, but I can't stand being there. We met there and she has class again today at 12:00 PM. My gut tells me that it'll be another day where she doesn't text. Doesn't call. Doesn't try to reach for me at all.

 

I feel like I'm just living to count the hours of agony.

 

Any advice for getting through this period of letting her sort out her mind? Am I just wasting my time? I'm going to therapy. Working to improve myself. I'm working on the healing process and reading books under the assumption things will be over and that these steps will lessen the blow.

 

In my gut I feel this isn't true...and it will hurt every bit as much as I imagine. I think that's where the urge to take control of the situation comes from. To protect myself. Not because I don't want her to have time. I haven't yet learned to be independent of the outcome...

[Mr. Disposable]

It's 12:00 PM. She's in class and I'm trying like hell to not violate her request for time to think. I keep holding on to this frustration. How long does it take? At what point is it enough?

 

Is all the waiting just going to lead to a crash? Am I wrong for not getting in front of this and saying goodbye?

 

Dammit. I feel so damn helpless.

[schiller]

I know it hurts but you were fighting constantly for months!

 

You're just not compatible.

 

Some people just bring out the worst in each other.