I think my Ex has BPD

[Frozensushi]

After reading a few posts here, I think my Ex might have BPD. I'm no doctor so I can't diagnose the problem. I just don't know what happened.

 

The honeymoon period was the most amazing thing to happen to me. She was amazing. There were some red flags, but I chose to ignore them as the pros outweighed the cons. I was definitely a white knight to her in the beginning and she was so happy. She thought I was the man of her dreams pretty much right off the bat. About 3 months later is when everything changed.

 

The relationship became very confusing to me. She would get upset at pretty much anything. If I playfully teased her, she became offended. She'd get mad at me for trivial things and misconstrue the facts. She was always super stressed out and tired. She no longer smiled at me like she had done before. That feeling of love I felt vanished. She was always hot and cold. When we got into fights she would push me away for weeks, leaving me hanging in the wind till she started to miss me again. Then we'd make up and things went back to normal. That would only last a week or two before something else caused a rift and she would need "space" again.

 

She would always whine about all the problems in her life and I tried to help. I did everything I could. Anytime she needed something to happen I would do it for her, but it was never good enough. All the normal 'loving boyfriend' stuff didn't work. Nothing I did seemed to gain goodwill with her. The closer I got, the faster she'd push me away. Her mood swings, anxiety, and disinterest got increasingly bad over time. She could be so cold and distance when we had arguments. It was really hard.

 

I realize now that I just didn't have what it takes to date someone like this. She needs a guy who's super sensitive, non-judgmental, extremely kind, a pillar of honesty, loving and understands her fragile nature. I'm not perfect by any means and have a lot of work to do myself. So this is probably why it was such a disaster. Trying to make the relationship work caused me so much stress. I've never been that stressed out my entire life.

 

I loved her, very much. I just don't think she knows how to love. I'm pretty sure that's due to her father abandoning her as a child and her step father being emotionally abusive to her and her mom. I really felt that she only cared about herself and could care less about my feelings. It was pretty obvious by the way she treated me. There was no enduring love and growth in the relationship, felt like I was in limbo, going in circles repeating the same behaviors over and over again. I just don't understand her "black and white" way of thinking.

 

I'm just sad I wasted a year of my life on a lost cause. It was really hard to let go because I wanted a life with her. I just see now that it would take a very special man to be with her. The high I got at the beginning of the relationship had me chasing it for a year, but that girl I fell in love with in the beginning was never going to return. In her place was a very empty woman. I was dumb to think I could fill the void in her life. I realize that I was trying mold her (fix her) back into that sweet, loving, energetic girl who always smiled. That was a big mistake. :\

 

The relationship brought me so much pain and misery and only a small amount of joy. Does this sound like she might have BPD or something similar?

 

Thanks for reading!

[aloneinaz]

Only you know what her behaviors were that would make you suspect her having BPD. There's lots of info out there on the subject. There's so many different personality disorders but what you described sounds as though she "may" have demonstrated some of the behaviors.

 

I also had a year R/S with a gal that I'm quite certain suffered from it. It was just a nightmare of her mood swings, hot and cold, walking on egg shells, break ups, etc.. You're left with the same situation as me after it ended. Trying to figure out WHY we put up with the BS for a YEAR! I was addicted to the sex when she was "on" and being nice. Another trait of a BPD women is they can rock your world in the sack.

 

The good news is your not stuck in that toxic, stressful, dysfunctional R/S any longer. I'm 3.5 years since my ex w/BPD and I ended. I've been in a healthy R/S now for 3 years. I'm astounded looking back at what I put up with from her.

 

I've said this before. I learned recently that she got married to a guy she new a year. My HONEST thought when I heard this news was "that poor bastard"..

[aloneinaz]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/419416-ran-into-my-ex-bar-8-months-later-interesting-story#post5164075

 

THis is a good read. Downtown on this site is an expert on BPD. Maybe he'll see this and ad to it.

[books2]

I know it's not going to be much relief... But my EX wife was once diagnosed with Bipolar disorder after we split up in 2012...

 

Afterwards they actually reclassified her to a Borderline Personality Disorder...

 

I have read about both and she is definitely more BPD than Bi...

 

Anyways, the good part for you is this :

 

SHE IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM ANYMORE...

I have a kid with my EX wife and for such, I have a life sentence of being stuck having to deal with her!

 

I would say WHO CARES if she is Bipolar... Just leave her in your past and find someone ''sane'' you'll see how amazing it is to date someone like that in the end and you'll be glad the cray cray EX is out of your life!

 

I envy you!

Edited September 5, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[Frozensushi]

I also had a year R/S with a gal that I'm quite certain suffered from it. It was just a nightmare of her mood swings, hot and cold, walking on egg shells, break ups, etc.. You're left with the same situation as me after it ended. Trying to figure out WHY we put up with the BS for a YEAR! I was addicted to the sex when she was "on" and being nice. Another trait of a BPD women is they can rock your world in the sack.

 

Yes, I definitely went through everything you mentioned. Multi breakups, walking on eggshells, hot/cold, crazy mood swings ... oh the mood swings.

 

It's sounds identical to my situation. I was addicted to the sex as well when my ex-was being nice. It's the best I've ever had actually. That was really all we had in the end, keeping it together. Thanks for replying.

 

I guess it's simple as that. The passion, fear of being alone. I guess I put myself through torture for it. In a way, it was worth it.

 

I can't see any guy being able to tolerate my Ex. I mean, I really went above and beyond. Unless he's a total pushover yes man. Hmm.

 

I'm almost a week NC. I'm gonna do it this time. No going back!!!

[Frozensushi]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/419416-ran-into-my-ex-bar-8-months-later-interesting-story#post5164075

 

THis is a good read. Downtown on this site is an expert on BPD. Maybe he'll see this and ad to it.

 

Wow, you're right. That's a great read. Thanks for the link.

[Downtown]

I think my Ex might have BPD.

Frozen, BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a spectrum disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your exGF exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," lack of impulse control, and temper tantrums.

 

I'm no doctor so I can't diagnose the problem.

Your being able to spot strong BPD symptoms does NOT imply that you are trying to diagnose your exGF. Indeed, the psychiatric community itself is still unable to "diagnose" BPD -- not in the way that term is used in all other scientific fields. In every field of the medical sciences, for example, "diagnosis" does not occur by simply telling you the severity or persistence of your symptoms. On the contrary, whenever you visit a medical doctor, he almost always will rely on YOU to provide that information. This is why the very first thing he will ask you is what symptoms you've been experiencing, how severe they are, and how long they have been occurring.

 

Hence, when a medical doctor gives you a diagnosis, he is not describing your symptoms. Rather, he is telling you what CAUSES the symptoms that you have described to him. For several decades, psychologists tried unsuccessfully to diagnose like the rest of the scientific community -- i.e., they tried to identify the underlying causes of behavioral symptoms. In 1980, however, the APA stopped trying to identify the causes of the behavioral symptoms. Instead, it adopted a new approach (DSM-III) in which it identified only the symptoms themselves.

 

The result is that, when a psychologist states that he has "diagnosed" a woman has "having full-blown BPD," he does not mean he has determined the underlying cause of that behavior. Rather, he only means he has determined that the symptoms are so severe and persistent that they satisfy 100% of the diagnostic criteria. Although you cannot make such a determination, you should be fully capable of spotting the strong occurrence of these behavioral symptoms in a woman you dated for a year.

 

Before you graduated high school, you already could identify the selfish and grandiose classmates -- without knowing how to diagnose Narcissistic PD. You could identify the class drama queen -- without being able to diagnose Histrionic PD. You could spot the kids having no respect for laws or other peoples' property or feelings -- without diagnosing Antisocial PD. And you could recognize the very shy and over-sensitive classmates -- without diagnosing Avoidant PD. Similarly, you will be able to spot strong BPD traits whenever they occur.

 

She needs a guy who's super sensitive, non-judgmental, extremely kind, a pillar of honesty, loving and understands her fragile nature.

No, her finding a guy with those attributes will not enable her to sustain a close LTR with him if she exhibits strong BPD traits. In that case, she is so immature that she lacks the emotional skills needed to sustain a close relationship. Moreover, she lacks the ability to trust, which is the foundation on which all close relationships must be built if they are to last.

 

Trying to make the relationship work caused me so much stress. I've never been that stressed out my entire life.

If you really were dating a BPDer for a year, consider yourself lucky that you only felt "stressed out." Many of the abused partners of BPDers become so confused that they start to fear they may be going crazy. Indeed, of the 157 mental disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual, BPD is the one most notorious for making the abused partners feel like they may be losing their minds. And this is largely why therapists typically see far more of those abused partners -- coming in to find out if they are going insane -- than they ever see of the BPDers themselves.

 

I loved her, very much. I just don't think she knows how to love.....

If she really is unable to love at all, you most likely would be describing narcissistic or sociopathic behavior. In contrast, BPDers (i.e., those with strong persistent BPD traits) are able to love in an immature fashion. Like young children, their love is too immature to be able to sustain a mature adult relationship.

 

I really felt that she only cared about herself and could care less about my feelings.... There was no enduring love and growth in the relationship.

If she is a BPDer, you were not seeing the absence of an "enduring love." Instead, you likely were seeing a woman who is capable of enduring love but who is unable to keep in touch with those loving feelings -- at a conscious level -- for very long. Like young children, BPDers flip back and forth between their strong feelings (e.g., love and hate) because they are too immature to be able to handle both of those conflicting feelings simultaneously.

 

A young girl, for example, will absolutely love daddy when he is bringing out the toys. But, in a few seconds, she will flip to hating daddy when he takes one of them away. Likewise, a BPDer will put strong conflicting feelings out of touch of her conscious mind because her immaturity makes her intolerant of being aware of strong mixed feelings, ambiguities, uncertainties, and the other gray areas of interpersonal relationships. That is, she "splits off" those conflicting feelings, putting them temporarily out of reach of her consciousness. This "splitting" behavior is also called "black-white thinking."

 

I just don't understand her "black and white" way of thinking.

Sure you do. You did this same type of black-white thinking on a 24/7 basis for many years of childhood and you likely started relying on it heavily again when the hormones surged during your early teens. And throughout your lifetime, you will continue to rely on B-W thinking whenever your feelings become very intense.

 

Indeed, by the time you were in high school, you already knew that you cannot trust your own judgment whenever you are very angry or very infatuated. This is why you try to keep your mouth shut whenever you're angry -- and why you try to wait two years before getting the ring whenever you're infatuated. You know that, until you have time to cool down, your judgment has flown out the window.

 

Moreover, whenever you are suddenly startled, your brain is hard wired to immediately shift into B-W thinking mode -- e.g., when you are in a crosswalk and suddenly look up to see a truck bearing down on you, your mind is only capable of thinking "jump left" or "jump right."

 

I just see now that it would take a very special man to be with her.

Yes, but that special man is called "a psychologist," not "a partner." If she is a BPDer as you suspect, she will be ready to handle a close LTR only after she acquires the ability to trust, to better regulate her own emotions, to remain "mindful" instead of escaping into frequent daydreams, to stop relying so heavily on B-W thinking, to take responsibility for her own actions, and to intellectually challenge her intense feelings instead of accepting them as self-evident "facts."

 

Does this sound like she might have BPD or something similar?

Not having ever met your exGF, I cannot tell you whether her BPD traits are strong or not. I can tell you, however, that many of the behaviors you describe are defining traits for BPD. I therefore suggest that you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs, which AloneInAz mentions above. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to join AloneInAz in discussing them with you.

 

As I noted above, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your GF's issues. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid returning to this toxic relationship and avoid running right into the arms of another woman just like her. Take care, Frozen.

[aloneinaz]

I told you Downtown was the expect!

 

Wow, re-reading all of his last post brought back some trauma for me! My gosh did my ex demonstrate the vast majority of those symptom. She could go from "I love you, you're the love of my life" to breaking up w/me 2 hours later over nothing. She had MAJOR self esteem/self worth issues, trust issues, depression issues and really had no close relationships w/other women. Ironically, our R/S started turning toxic when the honeymoon phase ended around 3 months in. He phony facade of the honeymoon phase started to crack and I was glimpsing her real, damaged personality.

 

Interesting that you stated she was the best in bed for you as well. I've read that about BPD women. Heck, even having a porn star in the bedroom wasn't worth all the hell they put your through! HA!

 

Stay strong w/your NC. Do yourself a favor. Block any means she has to reach you. It's not un-common for a BPD women to reach back out to an ex when she finds herself alone (which they hate). I went hardcore NC when she broke us up for the last time. I promised myself I'd NEVER go back to her.

 

Guess what? Yup, about 6 months after I vanished when we ended, she started trying to reach me. She even came by my place. Then a long apologetic text. She was ignored. Finally, an epic email came in. My GF suggested to me to let her know I'd moved on and was happy in a new R/S. That didn't stop her. She kept emailing and getting ignored.

 

I really can't imagine how much trauma and pain she's causing her new husband. I really feel empathy for the guy!!

[Frozensushi]

@Downtown

 

Thank you very much for such amazing insight.

In that case, she is so immature that she lacks the emotional skills needed to sustain a close relationship. Moreover, she lacks the ability to trust, which is the foundation on which all close relationships must be built if they are to last.

 

I found this to be quite intriguing because I never mentioned her immaturity or major trust issues in my original post.

 

An example: I got home early from work and she called, asked if I was home yet, I lied and said no, because I wanted to surprise her with a clean house, bed made, dishes washed, dinner started. When she got home she was so upset because obviously I had been home for a while and instead of being happy, she was really upset that I lied. She didn't care that I tried to do something special, didn't matter, the fact that I lied ruined the entire evening.

 

If you really were dating a BPDer for a year, consider yourself lucky that you only felt "stressed out." Many of the abused partners of BPDers become so confused that they start to fear they may be going crazy.

Haha, oh I definitely think I was going crazy. Pretty much lost all my self-respect. My needs had evaporated by the end to make sure her's were taken care of. Trust me I was at ground zero of confusion.

 

A young girl, for example, will absolutely love daddy when he is bringing out the toys. But, in a few seconds, she will flip to hating daddy when he takes one of them away.

Yes, omg this is a perfect analogy to describe her mood swings. I've confided to a close friend about some of her behavior. He thought her behavior was super immature. He's told me that on several occasions "She acts like she's in highschool, man". I suppose I knew it as well, just didn't want to admit it.

She would get really upset over trivial things. It drove me crazy. When I pointed out the triviality of it and how she reacted was over the top, it would trigger her even further.

Yes, but that special man is called "a psychologist," not "a partner." If she is a BPDer as you suspect, she will be ready to handle a close LTR only after she acquires the ability to trust, to better regulate her own emotions, to remain "mindful" instead of escaping into frequent daydreams, to stop relying so heavily on B-W thinking, to take responsibility for her own actions, and to intellectually challenge her intense feelings instead of accepting them as self-evident "facts."

I encouraged her to see a Therapist, and she finally went to the doctor and got set up with one. She decided not to take the meds they prescribed her and we broke up before her first appointment. I really hope she can get the help she needs. The trust thing is a biggy for sure, but she really needs to start taking responsibility for her own actions. That was a major contentious issue in our relationship.

 

Sometimes I felt like the parent, lecturing her. I did get on her case about some stuff. But she always had an excuse, for everything, and a "poor me" reason for not doing anything about it because it would interfere with her fun or how she lives her life. So I became the bad guy trying to help her. She told me straight up "I don't want your advice!!". Then a week later she's crying about this or that again and breaking down over the same issues. On several occasions she complained how none of her friends or family cares about her problem, no one is helping her. So I try to white knight it and it backfired big time.

 

This is where my insanity has been dissolving. I realize now she never really wanted to fix anything, she just wanted my sympathy. Near the end, I probably got on her case too much, but her problems wouldn't go away. It was one thing after another. Nothing was happening and I cared about this woman. I was tired of seeing her so stressed out all the time. She said that I was only compounding on that stress. She just wanted me to be a submissive boyfriend. Our issues would have to be put on hold indefinitely.

 

avoid returning to this toxic relationship and avoid running right into the arms of another woman just like her. Take care, Frozen.

Thanks for the 18 warning signs:

Let me run through some:

2: "You're always". Like a record on repeat.

3: Irrational jealousy. After we got back together after a breakup, I found out she had signed up to every dating site looking for me and did searches of people she suspected I was seeing.

Controlling behavior. I stopped hanging out with pretty much all my friends because she thought they were all bad influences. She said that my nightlife behavior was similar to her Ex's that cheated on her. That it was almost identical. Stuff like that.

4. THIS. Never felt appreciated for all the amazing things I did for her. I spent so much money on her. Accomplished so many tasks for her. Cooking, cleaning, fixing stuff, etc. Was always there anytime she needed anything. Was exhausting. She told me that all those things I did, didn't matter, that wasn't the reason she was with me. Seriously cold.

 

1 - 18 Yes, yes and yes. They all vary in degree, but she exhibits all of them. Some to the point I'm only realizing now how scary it is.

 

Nothing I did was going to help her. It was actually making things worse. This is so hard to swallow, but I realize that I was being a codependent in a way. I was getting off on being her savior, then I became the one she needed saving from. It's really messed up.

 

Thanks, Downtown. I'm shocked at how people who suffer from BPD act in fairly the same manner. I never want to enter another relationship like this again. It's far too much for anyone to handle. Perhaps you're right, there is no one out there who could handle being in a relationship with her.

 

I'm going to go do some more reading on this subject. Need to stay strong and not go back if she calls.

[Frozensushi]

She could go from "I love you, you're the love of my life" to breaking up w/me 2 hours later over nothing. She had MAJOR self esteem/self worth issues, trust issues, depression issues and really had no close relationships w/other women. Ironically, our R/S started turning toxic when the honeymoon phase ended around 3 months in. He phony facade of the honeymoon phase started to crack and I was glimpsing her real, damaged personality.

 

 

That's so bizarre that you and I went through almost an identical timeline and experience with our Ex's. This must happen more often than I could imagine.

My Ex had big time self-worth issues, MAJOR trust issues and she told me right after the 3 month period that she was in a bad depression because of it being winter time. Later, this summer I brought that up and said "I thought it was the winter time that caused these feelings". Nope, it was just her.

 

My problem was that I saw the damaged person reveal herself. I just refused to accept it. I thought she was just going through a rough patch. I had no idea what was in store for me trying to be her rescuer. It was a downward spiral from there. I realize there's nothing I could have done.

 

 

Interesting that you stated she was the best in bed for you as well. I've read that about BPD women. Heck, even having a porn star in the bedroom wasn't worth all the hell they put your through! HA!

 

Stay strong w/your NC. Do yourself a favor. Block any means she has to reach you. It's not un-common for a BPD women to reach back out to an ex when she finds herself alone (which they hate). I went hardcore NC when she broke us up for the last time. I promised myself I'd NEVER go back to her.

 

Yeah, I even wrote that in my journal. "It's amazing, but is it worth the hell she's putting me through?". Crazy huh?

 

I sent her a Facebook message and told her that I found someone new and that she is the best thing to ever happen to me. That I was going to take this new girl to the concert that "we" were supposed to go to for her Birthday. I embellished a lot. Hey, she told me to take someone else. Not really my fault.

It did the trick. She blocked me, all my close friends and my entire family on FB and all our phone numbers too.

 

I never want to go back. After being strung along for 2 weeks, having my hopes raised, then a few days later getting dumped. I'm done. I just can't live like this any longer.

 

I hope my fortunes turn out like yours. I hope that after being put through this, Karma will smile at me and I will find a good woman. Thanks aloneinaz.

[LostOnes05]

This sounds pretty textbook for BPD. I experienced the same thing. She pulled you in with charm and how good things would be with her. You could do no wrong in the beginning and it looked like blue skies all the way. Then just like the flip of a switch, she changes her entire attitude (push and pull). Makes you wonder where this other person came from. Nothing good you do will please her. Most of the time, it seems as if your very presence is an annoyance to her. The things she thought were funny or sweet in the first few months now cause her to criticize and berate you. Always playing the victim, and always beyond reproach. Sound familiar?

 

I noticed a pattern that I was not apart of (thankfully) in her relationships. In my experience, she seemed to thrive on conflict and previously hurtful (emotional, physical, etc- allegedly) relationships. Basically, if things were going too well or were too quiet she had to stir the pot because it made her feel uncomfortable to be in a relationship devoid of conflict.

 

Don't beat yourself up. No one is perfect. And heed these words...THERE IS NOTHING YOU COULD HAVE DONE TO AVOID THE OUTCOME OR CHANGE HER BEHAVIOR. This was going to happen as soon as her infatuation wore off. In their minds these constant mood swings are a reflection of you and your inability to keep them happy, instead of their inability to be happy in themselves. Keep your head up and best of luck!

[Downtown]

Perhaps you're right, there is no one out there who could handle being in a relationship with her.

Sorry, Frozen, I didn't mean to imply that nobody can handle a R/S with an untreated BPDer. I myself was able to "handle it" for 15 years. What I meant is that, no matter how sensitive or perfectly understanding you are, the R/S will remain toxic to both of you. It will continue to harm both of you. This toxicity persists because a BPDer's two great fears (abandonment and engulfment) lie at opposite ends of the very same spectrum. This means that it is impossible for you to back away from triggering one of her fears without starting to trigger the other fear.

 

As you draw close to assure her of your love, for example, you will trigger a BPDer's engulfment fear. Although BPDers crave intimacy like nearly every other adult, they cannot tolerate it for very long. Due to a BPDer's fragile, weak sense of self identity, she will quickly feel like you're trying to control her -- and she will get the scary feeling of being suffocated or engulfed.

 

Indeed, she may feel that her own personality is disappearing and she is becoming lost in your strong personality. She therefore will create a fight -- over absolutely nothing -- to push you away. Yet, as you back away to give her breathing space, you unavoidably will start triggering her great abandonment fear. Hence, if your exGF is a BPDer (i.e., has strong traits), you were always in a lose/lose situation. You lost no matter what you did. Your mere presence in the room -- even if you didn't say or do a thing -- was sufficient to trigger one of her two fears.

 

I realize now she never really wanted to fix anything, she just wanted my sympathy.

Yes, a BPDer does want your sympathy. Her primary motivation for seeking it is to validate her false self image. Because a BPDer has a weak, fractured self identity, she doesn't know who she really is. To the extent she has any consistent, lasting sense of self, it is the false self identity of being "The Victim," always "The Victim." She therefore maintains a death grip on that false sense of self, refusing to let go. This means that she is willing to continue the R/S only as long as you keep validating this false self image.

 

During the courtship period (and, later, while she was splitting you white), you supplied that "validation" by playing the role of "Rescuer." This role clearly implied she was "The Victim" because you would not have been making such a strong effort to rescue her if she were not a victim needing salvation from unhappiness. Yet, as you observe, she never really wanted you to fix anything. That's why, every time you pulled her from the raging seas, she would jump right back into the water as soon as you turned your head.

 

After the courtship period ended and her infatuation started to fade, you continued to supply that "validation" by playing the role of "Perpetrator," the cause of her every misfortune and unhappiness. Of course, your being "The Perpetrator" implies that she must be "The Victim."

 

Nothing I did was going to help her. It was actually making things worse.

By playing these two roles -- of rescuer (when she was splitting you white) and perpetrator (when she was splitting you black) -- you were continually reinforcing your exGF's false self image (if she is a BPDer). This enabled her to continue avoiding taking responsibility for her own actions. That is, you were unwittingly destroying any opportunities she might have to be forced into confronting her own issues and learning how to manage them. Fortunately, you recognized that this enabling behavior was not helping her but, rather, harming her.

 

I'm going to go do some more reading on this subject.

An easy place to start reading is Surviving a Breakup with Someone Suffering with BPD (Article 9 at BPDfamily.com) and Leaving a Partner with BPD (Article 10).

[deep_night]

it seems to me that she might have this problem, cos it's all too familiar....

 

it's not your fault. and it's not her fault exactly. people with bpd want to love and to be loved. at first we're not attached and feel free to demonstrate our happiness. but when they (we:/) start to get attached then everything changes. it's the fear of rejection that kicks in. no matter how much you love a bpd, they'll find it hard to believe. they'll always think that you're about to detach emotionally and physically. and this fear comes out as anger, seemingly out of nowhere.

 

in my case, i fluctuate between completely distrusting to completely loving my boyfriend several times a day. i go from feeling like dying to dreaming and looking forward about my (and our) future. BUT I DONT TELL HIM. ANYTHING. he has no idea, 95% of the time. he thinks im busy, or tired or anxious about other stuff. it's toxic enough for me, I wouldnt want to have him deal with this. because after a long time of observing myself i've learnt my lesson; to wait and cool down. i may not be able to stop these fluctuations from happening but i can react in a way that isnt hurtful.

 

now im not implying that you go back with her. hell no. but pls understand that it probably wasn't because of something you did, or because your ex was cruel and wanted you to be unhappy. it's that damn fear. she needs a good therapist. lots and lots of time with a therapist. she's going to be into a LOT of pain when she realises what's going on, with her attachment and identity problems. it's better if she's single then.

[aloneinaz]

She pulled you in with charm and how good things would be with her.

 

And they pull you in w/amazing, over the top sex!

 

You could do no wrong in the beginning and it looked like blue skies all the way. Then just like the flip of a switch, she changes her entire attitude (push and pull). Makes you wonder where this other person came from. Nothing good you do will please her. Most of the time, it seems as if your very presence is an annoyance to her. The things she thought were funny or sweet in the first few months now cause her to criticize and berate you.

 

This is very on point. They like to try and manipulate you as well. The like testing you, prodding you, trying to push your buttons and then fake shock and blow up like a grenade when they are called out for their behavior. They also EXPECT you to bend over backwards for them while NEVER doing anything for you. My ex EXPECTED me to fix things around her home, her broken plumbing, car, etc. She never really showed any sincere appreciation for my efforts either. It was simply expected.

 

In my experience, she seemed to thrive on conflict and previously hurtful (emotional, physical, etc- allegedly) relationships. Basically, if things were going too well or were too quiet she had to stir the pot because it made her feel uncomfortable to be in a relationship devoid of conflict.

 

OMG, YES.. They live for conflict and I totally agree they would stir up drama when things were relatively going smooth. My ex had volatile R/S's with her parents and siblings. Her sister was her close confidant. One day she'd be praising how wonderful she is. The next, the sister angered her and now was the biggest POS on the planet! She'd spend lots of time running this sister in the ground and talk about what a lousy mother she was, blah, blah, blah. She'd do that to anyone who pissed her off or challenged her.

 

THERE IS NOTHING YOU COULD HAVE DONE TO AVOID THE OUTCOME OR CHANGE HER BEHAVIOR. This was going to happen as soon as her infatuation wore off. In their minds these constant mood swings are a reflection of you and your inability to keep them happy, instead of their inability to be happy in themselves.

 

The take away from my experiences with my ex BPD woman is they can't be fixed and it's NOT our responsibility to ride up on our white horses and try. They like to present to their suitors the need for them to be rescued. It's a fallacy to even think it's possible.

 

On some level, I do have empathy for anyone dealing with that condition day in and day out. I honestly have no resentment nor anger towards that ex. I really think she couldn't help it. When she was trying to get me back to her, she did apologize all over herself for her behavior and owned it. Whether the apology was genuine or not is another conversation.

 

You will get to the point of understanding NO one will ever get along with them and fix them. Yes, some personality types MAY be able to get along better w/them than others but, they are still going to live a life of drama, conflict, mood swings, walking on egg shells and be miserable.

 

OP- you need to leave her alone. The best thing you can do is vanish from her life. Heal from it. Do what I did. Do some serious self reflection on why you tolerated it. I came to peace w/myself and understand why I did at that time in my life. It also reinforced that I would never tolerate anything resembling that type of behavior again. After this ex, I started dating again a couple of months later. One gal I dated for a few weeks quickly demonstrated she wasn't hitting on 8 cylinders and I vanished from her quickly. I dated a lot of different folks (which REALLY helped me heal). I did get VERY lucky to meet my gal now. VERY lucky.. OP- your normal gal is out there waiting for you too.

Edited September 4, 2016 by aloneinaz

[BlueIris]

Go NC and stay NC. It may be tough at first, but stick with it. It works.

 

It doesn’t sound like she has it. It sounds as though you two started out hot and heavy and then things settled down and you were dealing with each other rather than limerence. 3 and 6 months are common realization points.

 

Your personalities clashed and you weren’t compatible so she ended it. She thought your jokes were mean and you saw the things that upset her as trivial. Those are good reasons to break up. Breaking up and getting back together happens a lot since people miss even people they know in their hearts they can’t be with forever. Read the break-up and second chances sections. People often long for someone after they’ve broken up.

 

Next time someone breaks up with you and you need to heal, go NC yourself and block her yourself. Don’t send “dig” messages on FB and things like that.

 

I was told by an ex that I had BPD, so I’ve been in a similar situation. I too broke up with him and that was just more proof to him that I had issues. lol Yeah, I had issues with him and was much happier out of that relationship.

 

Don’t become one of those guys who labels women crazy either to protect themselves from self-examination and change or just because they’re jerks. Some guys get so bitter and angry when a woman breaks up with them that they use the “She’s crazy!” escape valve. It’s not good.

[TexasGuy12]

So I was with my ex for 18 months as I detailed in my other thread, and I knew she had lots of issues, and found out even more crazy stuff after the relationship ended (Helps with the head, not the heart). But until stumbling across this forum again, I never really knew about or gave much thought to BPD. I'm going to post some signs that I noticed during and after the relationship, and see if you guys agree that she exhibited major symptoms of that.

 

- She would treat me like a white knight and tell me that she never met anyone like me, I was "her person," etc. She fell very hard for me. But when we'd have a little spat, and it would mostly be over something small, she would TOTALLY over-react and say the meanest things to me. Like I don't care about her, I always let her down, I'm not the man she thought I was, etc. Then, not long after, she would always contact me and want to work things out quickly. She'd be so nice and just want me to come back and worth everything out. It's like a flip switched from on, off, on, off.

 

- She would lie about things to focus attention on herself, to make herself the "victim" to either get me to care and take care of her, or to see how far I'd go in doing so. Such as over-stating illnesses/being sick, describing stressful things that would happen to her with work or her friends - things were always over-dramatic. I remember thinking to myself "Wow, this girl has crazy stuff happen in her life every single week, where if one of these things happened in my life, it would be the whackiest thing to happen to me all year."

 

- She misrepresented who she is as a person. When we first met, she lied about things in an effort to make her more attractive to me (What she didn't realize is that I liked her just fine the way she was). For example, the first couple weeks we were together, before I knew everything about her, I was playing a song by my favorite artist in the car, and she pretended to have seen him twice in concert and to have been a fan. Later on, I learned this wasn't true. Not a big deal at all, but just a small example. She misrepresented her position at her job at first to get me to think she was more important/made more money than she was.

 

- She talked about her past relationships and how they were abusive, mentally and physically. She treated me like I was the one different guy, like she finally found a good one. Then, in bad times, she'd threaten to want to go back to them as they are the only ones that truly "cared about her" when she was going through one of those moods.

 

- Someone mentioned this in an old thread about BPD, but she only has 3 real legit, long-term friends. She has lots of casual friends, but those friendships have no depth and they have no idea the person she really is. She has this outgoing personality to mask the insecurities that she has on the inside, that only those that get to know her really understand.

 

- Every past relationship in her life ended in destruction, and she's had probably 5-6 serious relationships. Each one ended badly. Each one had a crazy story (told through her eyes).

 

- She was absurd in bed. Literally insanely amazing. When she was "on" and in a good state, she just blew me away. I've been with a decent amount of girls but nothing comes close to her. Nothing. And her sex drive was insatiable. Anywhere. Anytime. Didn't matter. As a guy, it's a dream. I've heard that this is a classic trait of girls with BPD.

[TexasGuy12]

Go NC and stay NC. It may be tough at first, but stick with it. It works.

 

It doesn’t sound like she has it. It sounds as though you two started out hot and heavy and then things settled down and you were dealing with each other rather than limerence. 3 and 6 months are common realization points.

 

Your personalities clashed and you weren’t compatible so she ended it. She thought your jokes were mean and you saw the things that upset her as trivial. Those are good reasons to break up. Breaking up and getting back together happens a lot since people miss even people they know in their hearts they can’t be with forever. Read the break-up and second chances sections. People often long for someone after they’ve broken up.

 

Next time someone breaks up with you and you need to heal, go NC yourself and block her yourself. Don’t send “dig” messages on FB and things like that.

 

I was told by an ex that I had BPD, so I’ve been in a similar situation. I too broke up with him and that was just more proof to him that I had issues. lol Yeah, I had issues with him and was much happier out of that relationship.

 

Don’t become one of those guys who labels women crazy either to protect themselves from self-examination and change or just because they’re jerks. Some guys get so bitter and angry when a woman breaks up with them that they use the “She’s crazy!” escape valve. It’s not good.

 

Very true BlueIris, but you also can't dismiss the fact that lots of guys and girls find themselves here BECAUSE their ex's have some mental things going on. That's not trying to deflect the blame in the relationship, but the truth. Not saying you were dismissing everyone's claims, just making a general point. I think lots of people in this world are very nice, caring, compassionate people, and those sorts of people (like myself) often find themselves latched onto someone who needs attention and has issues - we want to be able to fix them and be their white knight. But we can't fix them, and in the end, they break out hearts because we love them despite their issues. Hence, we end up on Love Shack

[BlueIris]

Very true BlueIris, but you also can't dismiss the fact that lots of guys and girls find themselves here BECAUSE their ex's have some mental things going on. That's not trying to deflect the blame in the relationship, but the truth. Not saying you were dismissing everyone's claims, just making a general point. I think lots of people in this world are very nice, caring, compassionate people, and those sorts of people (like myself) often find themselves latched onto someone who needs attention and has issues - we want to be able to fix them and be their white knight. But we can't fix them, and in the end, they break out hearts because we love them despite their issues. Hence, we end up on Love Shack

 

Oh, absolutely. And I understand the difficulty and the desire to figure out what happened.

 

Deciding or speculating that someone has a personality disorder or is mentally ill is actually very serious stuff, not off-handed, speculative stuff. So use caution about deciding or about speculating that your ex, H, W, GF, or BF is mentally ill.

 

Consider ALL of the possibilities including that it was just a bad relationship or destructive dynamic, or that it might make us feel better to believe he or she was “sick.” Also, there’s a long history of society and men saying “She’s Crazy!” (The word hysterics is derived from a word for uterus- interesting, huh?) So that’s another factor to consider in analysis. More official sounding terms for plain old “crazy” or “broken” are sometimes just a more PC way of saying it, plus it carries an air of authority.

 

My diagnosing ex (who said I had BPD) was confident and authoritative in his psychological analysis of me (which is chilling, TBH) YET, despite how deeply broken I supposedly was, he wanted to continue the relationship. That makes no sense! Eventually I figured out how to end it: I told him he was right, I was at fault, I was mentally ill and sorry, so he needed to stay away for his own safety and sanity. He was hopping mad about that but it ended the conflict and “you’re so sick, but I love you so I’ll be your hero and save you”* dynamic. I’d assured him I’d get help and I did- but it ended up being for PTSD from emotional abuse, specifically, gas-lighting. And the cherry on top was that a couple of years after I’d gone NC, he was hospitalized for bipolar I with psychotic elements- psychosis being the inability to perceive reality in general, in various settings not just a relationship.

 

So, to anyone who IS being told they’re mentally ill by their partner, consider the possibility that maybe that person is and you aren’t. It is possible. Psychology is complex, not to be taken lightly.

 

In the end, if it’s a bad relationship, that’s all you need to know to end it. Back away from anyone who wants a savior or anyone you view as broken or needing fixing. Go NC and stay NC. Leave the relationship and leave diagnoses to professionals.

 

* https://www.washingtonpost.com/posteverything/wp/2014/07/09/men-really-need-to-stop-calling-women-crazy/?utm_term=.5c02c9ef3402

* 6 Things We Really Mean When Men Call A Woman Crazy

* Google “White Knight Syndrome”

[Lansing]

After one of my exs broke up with me she said she was "unhappy and restless" and that it didn't have to do with me. I think she realized after that I treated her well and that she was being unrealistic. I accepted the breakup when it happened but I still think of her from time to time and I do think she definitely has many of the elements mentioned in this thread and probably on the BPD spectrum.

 

I was actually pretty hesitant getting into a relationship with her because it felt all "too much, too soon". She was getting really emotionally invested and upset by simple things. She didn't really know me well but I was already this great guy and she was giving me a lot of compliments (I definitely wasn't use to that so it gave me pause). It felt like she was giving me compliments just because she wanted to hear them back. I kind of tried to keep things moving at a more natural pace and wasn't quick to give her too much attention (I didn't want to lead her on) but I think after a while she just couldn't handle it anymore.

 

Afterwards part of me felt like it was my fault because I should have just gone with that initial "rush" and that I had sabotaged things but trying to slow things down but in retrospect I think I will probably lucky that I didn't get more emotionally involved than I did as it sounds like if I "gave in" on one thing it would have progressed to her wanting more and more.

[Sunkissedpatio]

The relationship became very confusing to me. She would get upset at pretty much anything.

If I playfully teased her, she became offended.

 

Can you give an example of what was playful teasing?

 

I ask because maybe to you it was playful teasing but to her it was mean-spirited joking.

 

 

She'd get mad at me for trivial things and misconstrue the facts.

 

Again, can you give an example of her getting mad at trivial things?

 

 

When we got into fights she would push me away for weeks, leaving me hanging in the wind till she started to miss me again.

 

what kinds of things were said in those fights, did you ever cross any lines you wished you hadn't and that is what caused her to shut down for as long as she did?

 

Then we'd make up and things went back to normal. That would only last a week or two before something else caused a rift and she would need "space" again.

 

Needing space after an argument isn't necessarily a bad thing, what is bad is shutting someone out and refusing to resolve conflict after a reasonable amount of time has gone by to cool down. It sounds like that is what you are describing, is this correct? Or did she just shut down, ask for space, and then be willing to resolved the conflict when she did cool down?

 

I realize now that I just didn't have what it takes to date someone like this. She needs a guy who's super sensitive, non-judgmental, extremely kind, a pillar of honesty, loving and understands her fragile nature. I'm not perfect by any means and have a lot of work to do myself. So this is probably why it was such a disaster. Trying to make the relationship work caused me so much stress. I've never been that stressed out my entire life.

 

I think that is very honest of you to say those things and to actually be willing to see what you did to cause the dynamic at times. Of course we all believe we are not as bad as our partners when it comes to determining who causes the issues but realistically we probably are.

 

It stood out for me you said she needs a "pilar of honesty" why would you say that, did she catch you in a lot of lies?

 

 

I loved her, very much. I just don't think she knows how to love. I'm pretty sure that's due to her father abandoning her as a child and her step father being emotionally abusive to her and her mom. I really felt that she only cared about herself and could care less about my feelings. It was pretty obvious by the way she treated me. There was no enduring love and growth in the relationship, felt like I was in limbo, going in circles repeating the same behaviors over and over again. I just don't understand her "black and white" way of thinking.

 

This sounds like a fair assessment of her and her past, perhaps those are the reasons she couldn't love you and was incapable of reaching the depth you did with her. Maybe she did instigate a lot of the volatility that you experienced in the relationship and those are valid concerns on your part and valid observations.

 

For sure your dynamic didn't work, not sure what she needs in terms of a loving relationship but it is very clear you need to be with someone who is capable of loving and accepting love.

[elaine567]

People with BPD may experience extreme mood swings and can display uncertainty about who they are. As a result, their interests and values can change rapidly.

Other symptoms include

 

• Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
  
• A pattern of intense and unstable relationships with family, friends, and loved ones, often swinging from extreme closeness and love (idealization) to extreme dislike or anger (devaluation)
  
• Distorted and unstable self-image or sense of self
  
• Impulsive and often dangerous behaviors, such as spending sprees, unsafe sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, and binge eating
  
• Recurring suicidal behaviors or threats or self-harming behavior, such as cutting
  
• Intense and highly changeable moods, with each episode lasting from a few hours to a few days
  
• Chronic feelings of emptiness
  
• Inappropriate, intense anger or problems controlling anger
  
• Having stress-related paranoid thoughts
  
• Having severe dissociative symptoms, such as feeling cut off from oneself, observing oneself from outside the body, or losing touch with reality
  

 

^^^^ I do not think the girl in question, exhibits many of these symptoms.

I am not saying she is "normal", I am sure her past history as taken its toll, but she doesn't sound like she has BPD.

Someone who has a fear of abandonment is not going to push anyone away for weeks on end for instance.

"Space" is hell on earth for someone with BPD I would guess.

 

Hot and cold= luke warm - my guess is she was just not into you after the initial honeymoon phase, but she did not have the courage to leave or she hoped it would get better. Depression is common too in that situation, as she is torn, she wants to end it, but she is scared of making the wrong decision or she wants to avoid any conflict by ending it. So she stays, she is however not happy and she is angry with herself for being so weak -> depression and fights.

Needing "space" is often used as a way of introducing distance into the relationship and sometimes used to force the other one to make the hard decision to break up, the next step is dumping you which she did right on cue.

Hot and cold, space, anger, depression then leaving is fairly standard behaviour from someone who is not in love any more.

I am not discounting your pain and the fact she was hell to live with, but I do not think BPD is the answer here.

Mental health is a complicated subject with many grey areas and with symptoms in common, diagnosis is therefore fraught with difficulty especially for a lay person who is emotionally involved too and whose perspective is necessarily biased.

 

I think you should spend some time investigating why you spent so long tolerating this, when others would have run for the hills long before you did.

[Frozensushi]

Can you give an example of what was playful teasing?

 

Sure. So, I only ever told her how beautiful she was. Anytime I caught her undressing or coming out of the shower, I would come up behind her and affectionately kiss her and show my extreme attraction to her.

 

She had been complaining for months that she doesn't get enough exercise. She was in the bathroom one afternoon and said "I need to get in shape, my body is so jiggly" which I replied to in jest "Maybe I should start calling you Jiggly Puff". It's a creature from Pokemon. She became very upset with me and the entire evening was ruined. I was teasing her. I wasn't serious what so ever and told her that I was just joking.

 

Most women try to look nice for their man. I certainly went out of my way to stay in shape, dress nice, groom myself. After the 3 month honeymoon period she stopped fixing up her hair, never put on makeup, stopped dressing up etc. Not once did I even mention this to her. Some days she looked like holy hell and I would tell her how beautiful she was. All the time. So I think getting so upset for teasing her once like that wasn't a huge deal.

 

Again, can you give an example of her getting mad at trivial things?

My Ex became extremely angry with me one time when we attended an outdoor party where everyone was drinking alcohol. I was driving so I drank a few energy drinks and coffee and was hyper. I was kinda all over the place, talking to a lot of people, taking pictures.

She got very angry and said I was embarrassing her. I asked a few friends if I was acting odd, they didn't know what the heck I was talking about. She said I was acting like an immature child. I was shocked. I was at a party having innocent fun. On the way home, she said everyone was talking about me and giving me weird looks. She was so upset she almost broke up with me. She took two weeks of space.

 

Days later, again, I contacted some people who were at the party. I asked them if they thought I was being weird. Not one person I asked said I was remotely acting strange, hyper, odd, immature etc. They all thought I was over reacting.

 

what kinds of things were said in those fights, did you ever cross any lines you wished you hadn't and that is what caused her to shut down for as long as she did?

 

It stood out for me you said she needs a "pilar of honesty" why would you say that, did she catch you in a lot of lies?

They weren't really lies. It was more so either me not telling her something right away or not at all.

 

Example. We were talking one evening and I told her I tried that Pokemon GO app. She said "You told me you were never going to play it" I explained to her that I was at club earlier that night playing Trivia with a friend I hadn't seen for a while. "What? Why didn't you tell me about this earlier" I asked her why she needed to know what I'm doing all the time. She then told me that I was lying, that club didn't have Trivia on Tuesdays. She then went onto the website and showed me that there was no Trivia on Tuesday, which then I had to prove by going to the Club's Facebook account and show to her the event page proving it was true. She didn't apologize and still thought I was lying

 

During the relationship, she didn't want me hanging out with certain friends. So I told her I would stop seeing them. One night I confessed that I had hung out with "So and So" the day before. She told me I was a liar.

 

Anytime I did lie or withholding info was out of fear of her getting upset going into "Need space" mode. I always ended up telling her the truth. I was just scared. I wanted to keep the waters calm. She always wanted to know what I was doing during the days we didn't see each other. I am not used to that. None of the women in my past relationships ever kept tabs on me, unless we moved in together and the relationship was more committed. If that were the case I would feel comfortable sharing every minute of my day with her. This relationship lacked any commitment by her, so I didn't feel obliged to report in every day.

 

I am an honest person. If I did tell a white lie it was out of survival. You just don't understand the torture those two weeks of silence is like. I can't sleep, I have anxiety, weight loss, I start drinking alcohol heavily. I get so stressed it affects my life in a really negative way.

 

This woman made me feel like I was this horrible person by the end. I was very kind to her and always tried my best. Yes, there were moments I said things I regret. No one is perfect. I made my fair share of mistakes. I will be the first to admit that.

But when I tried to work things out with her, she would shut down completely and not listen to reason. I ended up taking the blame always. There would be moments of clarity when she would actually fess up and admit that she over reacted. But then the next day she'd revise the "story" and remove any wrongdoing on her part and lay it all on my shoulders, which I gladly took so I could keep the peace.

 

I tried my best to become a better person, or the person that she wanted me to be. It takes time to remove character defects, but at least I admitted my mistakes and wanted to work on it. This isn't my first LTR. It takes work on both sides. But when you have someone convince you that all the problems are your fault, it starts to become a heavy cross to bear. :/

[Frozensushi]

^^^^ I do not think the girl in question, exhibits many of these symptoms.

I did not go into details about her. I was given symptoms and was able to link many to her. Perhaps what you have said is correct. Maybe she and I were just one different sides of the tracks and our personalities didn't mesh. No one could really say. I was only coming here to see what others experienced in a similar case.

 

I was in a toxic relationship years ago. This woman was very emotional and made me out to be a monster in the end. We had problems, sure, but I never thought I treated her bad as she told everyone. She recently Facebook friended me, which I found to be odd. I saw her last night at a venue. She said I was one of the sweetest guys she ever dated. She told me she was F'd up back then and did a lot of growing up. She apologized up and down. She was now on meds that helped her greatly. Over the years she felt guilty how she treated me and was very glad to make amends with me.

 

That doesn't happen very often and was shocked to hear her say these things. I am not coming on this forum to bash my Ex. I care about her and want her to be happy. I just want to see if I am the horrible person she claims me to be.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Frozen thank you for this, see now we can actually have a meaningful discussion about your interactions with this girl. Thanks for answering my questions.

 

Firstly let me say, you sound like you are a really loving and affectionate guy. That's nice to read.

 

She had been complaining for months that she doesn't get enough exercise. She was in the bathroom one afternoon and said "I need to get in shape, my body is so jiggly" which I replied to in jest "Maybe I should start calling you Jiggly Puff". It's a creature from Pokemon. She became very upset with me and the entire evening was ruined. I was teasing her. I wasn't serious what so ever and told her that I was just joking.

 

This is exactly the type of misunderstandings that happen between men and women all the time. Your joke was innocuous even cute/silly if you will.

Having said that, we women are extremely self conscious about our bodies any joke not matter how cute or innocuous eluding to our "jiggly parts" is going to be something we don't ultimately want to hear.

I mean yes, if she were confident enough about her body she could laugh it off or even if she were in the right frame of mind, which it seemed like she was already feeling kind of low about her body so the last thing she wants to hear in that moment is "jiggly" anything.

 

See a situation like that when the whole picture is told does have two sides to it, with two sets of feelings behind each side.

 

 

My Ex became extremely angry with me one time when we attended an outdoor party where everyone was drinking alcohol. I was driving so I drank a few energy drinks and coffee and was hyper. I was kinda all over the place, talking to a lot of people, taking pictures.

She got very angry and said I was embarrassing her. I asked a few friends if I was acting odd, they didn't know what the heck I was talking about. She said I was acting like an immature child. I was shocked. I was at a party having innocent fun. On the way home, she said everyone was talking about me and giving me weird looks. She was so upset she almost broke up with me. She took two weeks of space.

 

 

Hmm ok, that does sound very extreme. It is possible you thought you were acting fine, and you friends thought you were too but that for her you were out of character, and obviously after a few red bulls and drinks you would be acting a little different. But it sounds like her getting that angry about it is extreme.

She sounds like she had a hard time controlling her emotions at time.

 

Days later, again, I contacted some people who were at the party. I asked them if they thought I was being weird. Not one person I asked said I was remotely acting strange, hyper, odd, immature etc. They all thought I was over reacting.

 

It's clear she exaggerated to drive the point home. She should have just owned what she feels she saw and expressed it as her own feelings not the entire party's.

 

 

They weren't really lies. It was more so either me not telling her something right away or not at all.

 

Example. We were talking one evening and I told her I tried that Pokemon GO app. She said "You told me you were never going to play it" I explained to her that I was at club earlier that night playing Trivia with a friend I hadn't seen for a while. "What? Why didn't you tell me about this earlier" I asked her why she needed to know what I'm doing all the time.

 

Ok lies by omission truths untold are still lies. Saying "why do I need to tell you where I am at all times" doesn't really answer why you never told her you'd be at the club earlier and then she comes to find out you were because you tried Pokeman.

 

So you see what I mean about there are two sides with two sets of feelings for all situations when it comes to relationships. Of course you don't HAVE to share your whereabouts all the time, and maybe you do, that all depends on what level of disclosure you both had together day-to-day. But if you are dealing with someone who has trust issues and she is catching you in innocuous lies like that it doesn't bode well for either of you on why that is happening. Why you feel the need to lie to her, and why she feels the need to have to know everything about you because otherwise she doesn't trust you.

 

 

 

It sounds like she would go to great extents to get to the bottom of what you were really up to, and that is probably less normal than what the average person would do. But this was also triggered by the fact that you were lying to her about where you were earlier. So what came first?

 

 

 

During the relationship, she didn't want me hanging out with certain friends. So I told her I would stop seeing them. One night I confessed that I had hung out with "So and So" the day before. She told me I was a liar,

 

That's not good, her dictating who you can and cannot hang out with...you should never give in to that unless there is legitimate reason for someone to ask that of you.ie an inappropriate friendship with someone of the opposite sex, a person who has sketchy dealings and expects you to also partake etc.

 

Anytime I did lie or withholding info was out of fear of her getting upset going into "Need space" mode. I always ended up telling her the truth. I was just scared. I wanted to keep the waters calm. She always wanted to know what I was doing during the days we didn't see each other. I am not used to that. None of the women in my past relationships ever kept tabs on me, unless we moved in together and the relationship was more committed. If that were the case I would feel comfortable sharing every minute of my day with her. This relationship lacked any commitment by her, so I didn't feel obliged to report in every day.

 

that's understandable, often men do feel forced to lie because they don't want to rock the boat but not because they are up to something sketchy. I learned that many relationships ago and it taught me to ease up expectations on my partners because some of the lies were easily avoidable if I was just more accepting.

 

 

I am an honest person. If I did tell a white lie it was out of survival. You just don't understand the torture those two weeks of silence is like. I can't sleep, I have anxiety, weight loss, I start drinking alcohol heavily. I get so stressed it affects my life in a really negative way.

 

This woman made me feel like I was this horrible person by the end. I was very kind to her and always tried my best. Yes, there were moments I said things I regret. No one is perfect. I made my fair share of mistakes. I will be the first to admit that.

 

I do understand, it sounds like this woman did have her fair share of issues and it sounds like your dynamic wasn't good.

 

But when I tried to work things out with her, she would shut down completely and not listen to reason. I ended up taking the blame always. There would be moments of clarity when she would actually fess up and admit that she over reacted. But then the next day she'd revise the "story" and remove any wrongdoing on her part and lay it all on my shoulders, which I gladly took so I could keep the peace.

 

So how would you enforce boundaries after her back-peddling like that? Her doing that sounds VERY wrong to me.

 

I tried my best to become a better person, or the person that she wanted me to be. It takes time to remove character defects, but at least I admitted my mistakes and wanted to work on it. This isn't my first LTR. It takes work on both sides. But when you have someone convince you that all the problems are your fault, it starts to become a heavy cross to bear. :/

 

Don't beat yourself up it sounds like she might not even know what she wanted out of you other than a lap dog who was going to cater to her every whim and that is not love that is control. You did the right thing to get out. Becoming a better person is what we ultimately want to achieve in a healthy relationship, becoming someone we are not to appease the other is not the end goal.

 

Thanks for going into more detail it was very helpful!

[elaine567]

Never agree with a woman who is criticising her own appearance, your Jigglypuff joke was not appreciated, because she didn't want you to agree with her, she wanted you to tell her she was being ridiculous and her body was great.

Being likened to a big pink balloon cartoon character is I guess not many women's idea of a "joke", especially a woman who is unhappy with her body. Were you in the habit of making such "jokes"?

Edited September 5, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator