Extreme anxiety after having a bombshell dropped on me.

[breakupthrowaway663]

Hi all,

 

A little background then let's dive in. Me [25M] have been dating a lovely girl [26M] for about 9 months now. We fell for each other quickly and mostly we've been smooth sailing, growing our love for each other. We've had our hiccups and arguments, but I feel we've resolved them as adults and moved past it. Recently I've had a couple bombshells dropped on me though.

 

The first, 5 weeks ago, we were having a discussion about cheating (in general). We were having a civil conversation until it got brought up that she has cheated on her past 2 serious relationships. This shocked me. We had a passionate discussion about it, the reasons and how, and I do feel we resolved the conversation.

 

Problem is, this isn't something anyone wants to hear. That weekend and since I've felt anxiety, insecurity, etc about her/the relationship. Eventually I got over the hump and internalized the information. But it was a rough couple of weeks trying to process who the heck it was that I was dating, and if this is a pattern behavior.

 

Then the second bombshell hit, much harder than the first. We both have brought each other into vulnerable positions because we talk about our future and being together. She's going to meet my parents soon (we have to travel to do that), and she was excited to begin talks about eventually moving in together. She even said I was "the one". Anyway, 2 weeks ago (also 2 weeks after cheating talk), I called her up to say goodnight. She hadn't responded to me in a few days so I casually asked how she has been.

 

She responded with "not well". She feels depressed, her new job (1 1/2 months in at this point) was rough and she felt disliked, and her hormones feel all out of whack. But then she said she hasn't felt butterflies for me in awhile, that her love for me has stopped growing, and that our distance (we have to commute an hour to see each other) is starting to feel like a problem. And she has doubts about our future together.

 

That really hurt me. I stayed relatively calm in the moment and tried to talk to her about it and be supportive, but I did get fierce and passionate for awhile, to defend my feelings. I wouldn't say angry, just serious. The next day she visited me and when she opened the door she started tearing up and fiercely apologized. She said to just be patient with her while she figures out personal things. She's clearly not happy. We had a good night together. She cried a lot and it seemed she felt genuinely awful about what was said. Saying "I don't know how I could say that, you're so perfect", "I love you", etc etc.

 

Fast forward to now, we've had two weekends of pretty great dates. No fights or discussions about the bombshells, just good time spent together. She doesn't like to talk about this topic when we are out and having a good time, so I don't like to bring it up. That being said, I feel she doesn't look at me the same, kiss me the same, or act the same. Paranoia? I hope.

 

The result of this is I have been extremely anxious about it. I over-analyze what's going on and I feel insecure in our relationship, basically all day. So insecure, if that's even the right word, that I'm ashamed about it. I hate when I get paralyzed into a feedback loop of anxious thoughts about our relationship, wondering away the day. It has happened in the past during break-ups or extreme uncertainty, and I want to know how to get the hang of it.

 

I don't know where the relationship is going to go, and that's okay. I'm young and there's plenty of good connections I could potentially make. Some relationship advice would be nice, but I don't expect a perfect solution. My main focus is I'd like to develop a better mindset on relationships, and not suffer from so much anxiety when things like this happen. Maybe it's natural. I've never had trouble dating, except for one rough break-up. I'm a bit of a perfectionist and competitive, which doesn't help when these things happen. And I don't want it to impact how I behave around her, because I fear it could tear apart our relationship, which is entirely on me. And when I do behave out of insecurity, I feel bad I ever did and worry about that too, because insecurity is an attraction killer. The day after the cheating talk I felt jealous at a concert after she made some comments about how she would marry the singer given the chance. I lashed out by being cold for a little while, unfortunately. She picked up on it, and I felt horrible I even got that way, because it's silly and I know it. But I was still feeling worrisome from the cheating talk, which allowed those feelings to dictate my behavior. I generally get anxious about if I haven't been myself, have behaved in a way that has pushed her away (eg. the concert), and just general uncertainty, and the fun one, anxious about anxiety. I don't usually get this way during normal periods of my life. It doesn't feel chronic, but it has been a pattern during times like this.

 

Anyway, I see her one last time this weekend before I go out of town for two weeks. And I don't want to be suffering when I'm gone. I've been to counseling and he says I'm overly anxious but otherwise this is natural. Not much in the way for perfect solutions, except that I should let go of uncertainty. And I should be more accepting of myself.

 

I want to hear other people's take though. Anybody else experience this? How have you grown out of it? Thanks!

Edited November 17, 2016 by breakupthrowaway663

[frus69]

She is a serial cheater, period.

Do you want to proceed? I'm not sure why you would

you are anxious because she made you

[breakupthrowaway663]

She is a serial cheater, period.

Do you want to proceed? I'm not sure why you would

you are anxious because she made you

 

I should clarify on the cheating talk.

 

I believe her story. She ended up just kissing in both cases after taking drugs + alcohol and in the moment. She immediately felt awful and ended the relationship, which was already on the way out. One case the guy cheated on her a few months prior and it was falling apart.

 

I believe her. Still bad? Yes. Do I believe she'd do it on me? I'm pretty sure no. Her relationships seemed like they were at a bad point, although playing the victim card is no excuse in my opinion.

[frus69]

 

I believe her. Still bad? Yes. Do I believe she'd do it on me? I'm pretty sure no. Her relationships seemed like they were at a bad point, although playing the victim card is no excuse in my opinion.

 

Awww you are so naïve it's cute.

Let's say the relationships were bad, so you are dating a girl who cheats when things don't go her way.

 

 

You believe your relationship will be rosy everyday? Well it wont. And when rough patch hits, she will cheat on you and give the same story: it was so bad, he didn't treat me right. I felt miserable so I accidently slept with someone else.

 

 

Actually your relationship is already hitting the rough patch. Cheating is on the way. Get your anxiety pills ready

[Gloomy]

People do follow patterns, however, some people learn from their mistakes and don't repeat them. I wouldn't focus so much on her past, I would focus more on the relationship that you two have together.

 

Has she ever given you reason not to trust her? Has there been anything suspicious in your relationship? She was open with you and forthcoming about her past. What I can see is that she tends to be flaky with her feelings, which isn't stable in a relationship.

 

The main issue I see here is your lack of communication with one another. If you feel that something is off, talk about it. If she is drifting away from you, bring it up with her and ask her why. Why are her feelings fading? Can something be done to fix it? Is she willing to put time aside to work on the struggles in your relationship? Does she want to split up, does she need space? What is going on here, that is what you need to know.

 

The lack of communication here says the most. Realistically, do you want to be with someone who brings out your anxieties? Someone who makes you question the security and stability of your relationship with? It takes two in a relationship, especially when there is an added distance. You both have to be willing to commit and to put everything in. If one of you isn't all in, it's not going to work.

 

I would talk to her next time you see her, lay out how you feel, and your concerns. If you feel that she isn't going to give you what you need, then you can move on.

[frus69]

 

The main issue I see here is your lack of communication with one another. If you feel that something is off, talk about it. If she is drifting away from you, bring it up with her and ask her why. Why are her feelings fading? Can something be done to fix it? Is she willing to put time aside to work on the struggles in your relationship? Does she want to split up, does she need space? What is going on here, that is what you need to know.

 

.

Because there is someone else in the picture. Granted, she wouldn't tell him the truth.

[Els]

I'll assume that you know her better than I do and have good reason to believe that cheating was a mistake that she made in the past and has no desire of repeating.

 

So, moving on from that, I agree with Gloomy that you two need to communicate better. Do you suffer from anxiety in other areas of your life and other relationships, or is it just with her? If your anxiety is general, then it might be better to work on that as a separate issue. If it's just her that's triggering it, then maybe she isn't the right one for you.

[joseb]

Sorry, but If a girl gave me a speech about how she doesn't feel much for me anymore I'd thank her for being honest and leave. I wouldn't sit there trying to change her mind. Sounds like she was part way through breaking up but bottled it. Probably what she did in the past. Then cheated as a way to make it stick.

 

I think your anxiety is justified. If I was stuck in that situation I'd be anxious too. But I wouldn't say, I'd be long gone by now.

[breakupthrowaway663]

People do follow patterns, however, some people learn from their mistakes and don't repeat them. I wouldn't focus so much on her past, I would focus more on the relationship that you two have together.

 

Has she ever given you reason not to trust her? Has there been anything suspicious in your relationship? She was open with you and forthcoming about her past. What I can see is that she tends to be flaky with her feelings, which isn't stable in a relationship.

 

The main issue I see here is your lack of communication with one another. If you feel that something is off, talk about it. If she is drifting away from you, bring it up with her and ask her why. Why are her feelings fading? Can something be done to fix it? Is she willing to put time aside to work on the struggles in your relationship? Does she want to split up, does she need space? What is going on here, that is what you need to know.

 

The lack of communication here says the most. Realistically, do you want to be with someone who brings out your anxieties? Someone who makes you question the security and stability of your relationship with? It takes two in a relationship, especially when there is an added distance. You both have to be willing to commit and to put everything in. If one of you isn't all in, it's not going to work.

 

I would talk to her next time you see her, lay out how you feel, and your concerns. If you feel that she isn't going to give you what you need, then you can move on.

 

As for communication. I asked if there was anything going on between us and she said no. She just needs to stop throwing a pity party and work through her personal issues (her words). I've brought up the topic a few other times and she said I love you, and along the lines of wanting to be with me. But I can't help to notice the subtle changes, or at least I'm on higher alert.

 

I feel like if I bring it up again I may be over-communicating at this point. I tend to talk thing through while she wants to glaze topics and then leave it.

 

I'm not focused on her past. I'm trying to figure out these anxieties mostly, and what to do with her along the way. I really don't want to be suffering while I'm traveling and seeing family.

 

Because there is someone else in the picture. Granted, she wouldn't tell him the truth.

 

I highly doubt that. She hasn't created that much distance. And she has never given me a reason to distrust her, except telling half truths about her past to protect us. I see that as okay.

 

 

I'll assume that you know her better than I do and have good reason to believe that cheating was a mistake that she made in the past and has no desire of repeating.

 

So, moving on from that, I agree with Gloomy that you two need to communicate better. Do you suffer from anxiety in other areas of your life and other relationships, or is it just with her? If your anxiety is general, then it might be better to work on that as a separate issue. If it's just her that's triggering it, then maybe she isn't the right one for you.

 

I do believe it was a mistake. But I do believe her playing the victim is wrong and I do see that as a flaw in her. And it does worry me at times. She needs to own up to her mistakes, regardless if she lost a parent at the time, was on a cocktail of drugs, and was struggling in her relationship.

 

Yea, I need to find a way to communicate my anxieties without feeling ashamed about it. I feel like my insecurity (if that's even what is going on, it can be hard to tell) has leaked out and she has seen it, and she doesn't like it. So that makes me want to just deal with this myself. After all, my own insecurities and anxiety are my own problem. In reality I bet people are so concerned with their own behavior they don't notice when people are insecure.

 

No, I don't have problems in other areas with anxiety. I've always been competitive and a bit of a perfectionist about school, work, etc. I've over-analyzed in the past. But my first case that I've had extreme anxiety was about my first serious relationship break-up, first entering serious stages of this relationship (not her fault), and topics like cheating, f$^& buddies, threesomes, etc. I'm not a fan of imagining those scenarios, something I'd like to work on.

Edited November 17, 2016 by breakupthrowaway663

[Sweetfish]

Do your self a favor and Dodge this bullet... I don't believe this shift of feelings. She is forcing to like you because your "perfect"

[LD1990]

Everything frus69 said is spot on.

 

She has cheated twice during difficult times in her relationships, which shows you that her natural reaction to relationship turmoil isn't to solve the problem, it's to cheat. If you think you're going to be the one to break that cycle, good luck.

 

And she didn't respond to you for a few days, then she was doubting your future together when you called her up? There's someone else in the picture man. She may not be having sex with another guy, but I'd bet anything she's at least flirting with someone and considering being with him.

Edited November 17, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
demeaning language

[breakupthrowaway663]

Sorry, but If a girl gave me a speech about how she doesn't feel much for me anymore I'd thank her for being honest and leave. I wouldn't sit there trying to change her mind. Sounds like she was part way through breaking up but bottled it. Probably what she did in the past. Then cheated as a way to make it stick.

 

I think your anxiety is justified. If I was stuck in that situation I'd be anxious too. But I wouldn't say, I'd be long gone by now.

 

I'm not trying to change her mind. I agree, I'd never want to stay with someone lukewarm about me. I told her that when she laid it out on me.

 

I get the feeling these are personal struggles she is going through. She started smoking again, drinking more often, and smoked weed a few times. She was off all drugs for almost a year and kept the drinking to a social level.

[breakupthrowaway663]

Everything frus69 said is spot on.

 

 

She has cheated twice during difficult times in her relationships, which shows you that her natural reaction to relationship turmoil isn't to solve the problem, it's to cheat. If you think you're going to be the one to break that cycle, good luck.

 

And she didn't respond to you for a few days, then she was doubting your future together when you called her up? There's someone else in the picture man. She may not be having sex with another guy, but I'd bet anything she's at least flirting with someone and considering being with him.

 

Damn, I didn't think it was that bad. Maybe it's time to take another road. ****.

Edited November 17, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[frus69]

As for communication. I asked if there was anything going on between us and she said no. She just needs to stop throwing a pity party and work through her personal issues (her words). I've brought up the topic a few other times and she said I love you, and along the lines of wanting to be with me. But I can't help to notice the subtle changes, or at least I'm on higher alert.

 

I feel like if I bring it up again I may be over-communicating at this point. I tend to talk thing through while she wants to glaze topics and then leave it.

 

I'm not focused on her past. I'm trying to figure out these anxieties mostly, and what to do with her along the way. I really don't want to be suffering while I'm traveling and seeing family.

 

 

 

I highly doubt that. She hasn't created that much distance. And she has never given me a reason to distrust her, except telling half truths about her past to protect us. I see that as okay.

 

 

 

 

I do believe it was a mistake. But I do believe her playing the victim is wrong and I do see that as a flaw in her. And it does worry me at times. She needs to own up to her mistakes, regardless if she lost a parent at the time, was on a cocktail of drugs, and was struggling in her relationship.

 

Yea, I need to find a way to communicate my anxieties without feeling ashamed about it. I feel like my insecurity (if that's even what is going on, it can be hard to tell) has leaked out and she has seen it, and she doesn't like it. So that makes me want to just deal with this myself. After all, my own insecurities and anxiety are my own problem. In reality I bet people are so concerned with their own behavior they don't notice when people are insecure.

 

No, I don't have problems in other areas with anxiety. I've always been competitive and a bit of a perfectionist about school, work, etc. I've over-analyzed in the past. But my first case that I've had extreme anxiety was about my first serious relationship break-up, first entering serious stages of this relationship (not her fault), and topics like cheating, f$^& buddies, threesomes, etc. I'm not a fan of imagining those scenarios, something I'd like to work on.

 

As a woman I'm telling you this: she can't just lose her feelings for no reason.when woman loses their attraction,99% there is someone else. Doesn't have to have sex involved. She can simply just admire him. You can convince yourself she is the 1% despite the fact she cheated on both her serious relationships .

The truth will reveal itself pretty soon

[MarkIVSteel]

She probably already cheated on you so she's feeling guilty.

 

Pretty soon, she will manufacture fake drama so that you guys can break up and she can put the blame on you.

[Els]

 

No, I don't have problems in other areas with anxiety. I've always been competitive and a bit of a perfectionist about school, work, etc. I've over-analyzed in the past. But my first case that I've had extreme anxiety was about my first serious relationship break-up, first entering serious stages of this relationship (not her fault), and topics like cheating, f$^& buddies, threesomes, etc. I'm not a fan of imagining those scenarios, something I'd like to work on.

 

If it's just her that's triggering it, then I think it's your gut telling you that something is off with this relationship, and that perhaps you should listen to it. Sorry.

[LD1990]

Damn, I didn't think it was that bad. Maybe it's time to take another road. ****.

 

I know it's hard and you really like her, you probably think she's the one. But trust me, I speak from experience. I've been on both sides of it, with the same damn girl. We started talking but she had a boyfriend. She told me how he annoyed her and the relationship was "basically over."

 

We met up and she told me she had broken up with him, so we became a couple (I'm pretty sure now that she actually broke up with him later than that). Almost two years later we're living together, things are up and down, and I find out she was talking to some guy. We broke up, she got with him.

 

I thought she was the one and that I was special so she wouldn't do that to me. Just remember, if she'll do it to someone else, she will do it to you.

 

Now, I don't expect you to listen, because when I was in love I sure went against my better judgment, but hopefully you're smarter about this than I was!

[breakupthrowaway663]

I know it's hard and you really like her, you probably think she's the one. But trust me, I speak from experience. I've been on both sides of it, with the same damn girl. We started talking but she had a boyfriend. She told me how he annoyed her and the relationship was "basically over."

 

We met up and she told me she had broken up with him, so we became a couple (I'm pretty sure now that she actually broke up with him later than that). Almost two years later we're living together, things are up and down, and I find out she was talking to some guy. We broke up, she got with him.

 

I thought she was the one and that I was special so she wouldn't do that to me. Just remember, if she'll do it to someone else, she will do it to you.

 

Now, I don't expect you to listen, because when I was in love I sure went against my better judgment, but hopefully you're smarter about this than I was!

 

Yea, I can accept the hard truths for what they are. I unfortunately have found her to be a very compassionate, loving, and kind woman. I've dated women who are cold and more distant. I really have loved how "about me" she has been since day 1.

[Sweetfish]

She probably already cheated on you so she's feeling guilty.

 

Pretty soon, she will manufacture fake drama so that you guys can break up and she can put the blame on you.

 

 

The worse part is she using her role as a victim to convince you she is not the problem.

 

Drugs Alcohol are what made her cheat

 

And something tells me for a fact this is not the girl you really want to be with.. you remind me of me in high school and college. "The perfectionist" who some how hooked up with the cute nice girl and all the "shockers" unravel after you've been hooked.

 

Run!! Don't look back.

[breakupthrowaway663]

So why the hell would she pay $400 for a plane ticket to see my parents (2 weeks ago, flight next month), keep bringing more of her things to my place, and still spend the same quality time with me? Knowing her she would have told me by now. I'm more confused.

[olivetree]

Yikes. I don't think she is off banging other guys. Some people like to throw that around as the answer to all siuations.

 

Another explanation is her life is a mess and she is depressed. Depression can really make you feel far from those you care about, hence saying she lost feelings and doesn't look at you the same.

 

Instead of asking her what's wrong, try telling her your observations and how you are interpreting them and how it makes you feel. At some point, if the costs of being in the relationship (anxiety etc) are too high then you have to consider this may not be right for you.

Edited November 17, 2016 by olivetree

[Els]

So why the hell would she pay $400 for a plane ticket to see my parents (2 weeks ago, flight next month), keep bringing more of her things to my place, and still spend the same quality time with me? Knowing her she would have told me by now. I'm more confused.

 

There are people here who jump to conclusions that every woman is just hankering to 'trade in' her man for the nearest penis she can find. It isn't usually true.

 

From what you've described, I don't think she's cheating on you (for now, anyway), but the relationship doesn't sound too promising either.

[frus69]

Yikes. I don't think she is off banging other guys. Some people like to throw that around as the answer to all situations

Not to all situations. Only in situations where there are serial cheaters

[BeholdtheMan]

she has cheated on her past 2 serious relationships.

 

But then she said she hasn't felt butterflies for me in awhile, that her love for me has stopped growing, and that our distance (we have to commute an hour to see each other) is starting to feel like a problem. And she has doubts about our future together.

 

She said to just be patient with her while she figures out personal things. She's clearly not happy. We had a good night together. She cried a lot and it seemed she felt genuinely awful about what was said. Saying "I don't know how I could say that, you're so perfect", "I love you", etc etc.

 

She likes drama and emotional roller coasters

 

Many cheaters are like that

 

I suggest you ditch her and move on

[Sweetfish]

So why the hell would she pay $400 for a plane ticket to see my parents (2 weeks ago, flight next month), keep bringing more of her things to my place, and still spend the same quality time with me? Knowing her she would have told me by now. I'm more confused.

 

Because she is conflicted..

 

She is conflicted between the nice guy and the real her. She may enjoy the nice life now of the gentle kind man and when the honeymoon period is finish what going to happen when the butterflies are really gone?

 

The key word in this sentence was drugs and alcohol. Somewhere along the lines she had 2 different boyfriends and did not respect the boundaries of either of them and ended up kissing... which is the water down version probably.

 

So the question is what makes you so different? Are you ok with her drinking? Are you ok with her doing drugs?

 

I wouldn't be after hearing that...after hearing what I heard I guarantee... you will never approve her going out to drink with her friends. That's why this relationship will not workout, because you know how the last boyfriends got done in and it will be an issue.