Should I reach out to her? I don't even know if she was honest about her reasons...

[acephoenix]

Question

 

I [26/m] was dating a girl [26/f] for several months, and we broke up because she has commitment phobia resulting from a past serious relationship gone bad. I knew about her issues and took things slow, yet she was the one who kept driving the relationship forward by having serious conversations. One day she freaked out and said she was too scared to trust and not be selfish, and shortly after broke things off with me saying it was too much for her to handle. I'm the type of person who fights for what I care about regardless of fear, and so I tried really hard to be supportive at that time and help her through it, but she was too adamant on quitting.

 

I'm doubting if her reasons are real, but if they are, I feel like I should reach out to her. We broke up a month ago and now I'm thinking that she might have had some time to calm down. I'm thinking if I reach out to her and ask her how she's doing, it'll help us get back together. I largely want to do this because I still can't digest "fear" being a reason for this going south...

 

On the other hand, I might come off as too desperate and either damage my image or scare her more. And I haven't even known her long enough to be sure that if we get back together it'll work out for sure...

 

I don't know what to do...

 

Background Story

She had dated a guy in the past for 2.5 years who she thought was going to marry, but he came upon family responsibility, couldn't keep it together, and his life ended up falling apart. She ended up leaving him, and since then has dating 2 guys for a very short timeframe.

 

Very early in the process of getting to know her, I picked up that she had commitment issues and was afraid to let herself get vulnerable - she'd tell me she was totally okay with me deciding not to date her when I was struggling with her triggering some scars from my past relationships. So I'd taken a pretty patient approach with her through the relationship and figured we both needed time to get to know each other and build that level of trust for her to be comfortable. Oddly enough, she had always been the one to initiate the serious conversations about our feelings for each other and kept the relationship moving forward.

 

One day when we were hanging out, she seemed like she had something on her mind. When I asked, she teared up and told me that she was afraid of trusting someone because she might get hurt in the future. I comforted her, told her that I wasn't intending to hurt her and that she could take her time, and then we ended up having a magical night together.

 

Two days later when we were talking about hanging out, she asked me to come to a party at her friend's place, but I couldn't make it. Then she suggested going bowling before the party, but all the lanes were booked. As we were messaging about restaurant options, she said she'd rather come over. When she came over, she said she didn't want to see me anymore because she was too scared to be vulnerable. Initially I felt totally blindsided given how the hours & the days before had gone, so I tried to calm her down, tell her that I was okay being patient, but she said that it would be too stressful to continue seeing me while trying to work through her issues, and that she'd be constantly second guessing herself about why she wasn't feeling the same way about me.

 

We ended that night thinking we were broken up, but I slept it over and talked to her a few days later. At that point, she said that she felt a certain way about her ex, and she doesn't feel the same way about me. She said she knows what it feels like to be in love, and even though she has feelings for me, she doesn't feel that same way. All her friends told her that she is never going to feel the same way about two guys, and these feelings take time to develop. I told her she was benchmarking me against a guy it didn't work out with, and that the ex was a college friend she knew before she started dating him whereas I'm someone new to her.

 

But she was adamant on quitting. At this point I realized that if she was the type of person to quit pursuing something because of fear of failure or get spooked by something being imperfect without trying to make it perfect, we would have never worked out. I mean, how could I ever count on her to handle bigger conflicts in life that will happen later in life!? She left feeling very upset having realized that she is one to run away from stress.

Edited December 1, 2016 by acephoenix
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[Survivor12]

She likes you & doesn't want to hurt you, but she has tried telling you that she isn't interested in having a romantic relationship with you.

 

You just refuse to hear her.

 

The benchmark isn't "a guy it didn't work out with"--it's "a guy she was in love with"....and from the sound of things, still is.

 

I know it isn't what you want to hear & that it hurts. I'm sorry, but believe me when I tell you that it will hurt even worse if you don't accept it and stop trying to pursue her. Up to this point, she has been kind & tried to soften the blow, but if you continue to push her, she is eventually going to loose patience.

 

Save yourself continued frustration & disappointment & let her go.

[Satu]

Once someone says its over, its over.

 

You should leave her alone now.

 

I don't think you realise it, but you're actually hurting her by continuing to pursue her.

 

She's made her mind up; respect that.

 

 

Take care.

[Bromeo]

The trap here is thinking that she cares as much as you do. She doesn't.

 

She's been clear to you, which is something I didn't get from mine. I would have saved myself months of chasing and hurt if she had been.

 

Stop chasing, let the dust settle, work on yourself, move on.

[acephoenix]

It has been a month since we broke up and I haven't pursued her at all. I've been quite respectful and given her the space she needed.

 

I think I am just deeply confused by how things went because she was the one who pursued me, she was the one who made sure the relationship was moving forward (both romantically and emotionally), and she was the one who made sure we talked about our feelings for each other + the challenges we'd be facing in staying together. When she told me she was moving a little farther away, I freaked out and was scared about continuing, but she was the one who kept me calm. I obviously did my fair share of the work too, but I always let her dictate the pace to make sure she was comfortable.

 

Even when she broke down in front of me about her fear, she was very adamant that it was her fear of being hurt that she couldn't get over. I had done nothing to hurt her or make her feel like I was intending to hurt her, and I tried to help her not feel afraid... I guess on a deep level I just feel like if she is afraid, I can help her realize that there's not any malice in my heart to be afraid of.

 

Or did she lie to me about her reasons and it's just that she thinks it's not going to work?

Edited December 1, 2016 by acephoenix

[sooshi]

No, please don't reach out to her. It'll only cause you pain.

 

If she wants to talk to you, she'll find a way to get to you.

 

Her reasons don't matter. Focus on accepting the separation and moving on.

 

Take care.

[basil67]

Please don't date broken people. It will always end in tears.

[Survivor12]

"Or did she lie to me about her reasons and it's just that she thinks it's not going to work?"

 

Yes, it sounds as though there is a possibility that she lied to protect your feelings.

 

You stated in your original post that "very early in the process of getting to know her" she told you that she was totally okay about not dating you due to YOUR issues, not hers. Like I said before, she likes you & cares about you--but she doesn't want a relationship with you. In fact, she's adamant about it.

 

At this point, the best thing you can do is to accept that it is over. Do not reach out to her. Regardless of what she may have said or felt in the past, she doesn't want a relationship with you now.

 

I truly hope you find acceptance soon so that you can begin to heal.

[Redhead14]

"Or did she lie to me about her reasons and it's just that she thinks it's not going to work?" -- What do you mean lie? She told you she's not feeling it for you the way she did with her Ex. How much more honest can a person get? Seriously. It's not going to work between you two because she knows what she wants and how she wants to feel when she's in a relationship and she's not feeling that way with you. PERIOD.

[acephoenix]

I think what's making this difficult for me is that I was in the same boat as her, but I took a different approach.

 

I had an ex that I dated for 4 years and I was friends with for years before I started dating her, and that made it much easier for me to be vulnerable with her. When I was struggling to justify continuing to see this girl, I realized she was a brand new person to me and I needed to give her a chance instead of freaking out in just 2-3 months of knowing her. I didn't think it was fair to this girl for me to compare highlight reel feelings from my past girlfriends against her, and so I chose to give her a chance and let my feelings develop in a unique way suited to her personality vs. expect her to fit a mould from my past.

 

I guess I just wish on some level for this girl to see the same approach I did. Was my approach wrong?

 

The weird thing with this is that I had many doubts about this girl too and I myself wasn't sure about whether she was the right fit for me or not. I just don't know why I am taking this so hard...

[Redhead14]

I think what's making this difficult for me is that I was in the same boat as her, but I took a different approach.

 

I had an ex that I dated for 4 years and I was friends with for years before I started dating her, and that made it much easier for me to be vulnerable with her. When I was struggling to justify continuing to see this girl, I realized she was a brand new person to me and I needed to give her a chance instead of freaking out in just 2-3 months of knowing her. I didn't think it was fair to this girl for me to compare highlight reel feelings from my past girlfriends against her, and so I chose to give her a chance and let my feelings develop in a unique way suited to her personality vs. expect her to fit a mould from my past.

 

I guess I just wish on some level for this girl to see the same approach I did. Was my approach wrong?

 

The weird thing with this is that I had many doubts about this girl too and I myself wasn't sure about whether she was the right fit for me or not. I just don't know why I am taking this so hard...

Was my approach wrong? -- Absolutely not. That is the healthy way to approach a new relationship. Leave the baggage at the curb.

 

However, she understands that she is not ready to move on. You have to respect her honesty and let this go. She does not appear to be projecting baggage from her past relationship onto you, she is still in love with her ex. She's not breaking up from you because you remind her of him or thinks you represent or display negative attributes that he ex may have had.

 

You are a rebound . . . and she knows it.

[acephoenix]

Was my approach wrong? -- Absolutely not. That is the healthy way to approach a new relationship. Leave the baggage at the curb.

 

However, she understands that she is not ready to move on. You have to respect her honesty and let this go. She does not appear to be projecting baggage from her past relationship onto you, she is still in love with her ex. She's not breaking up from you because you remind her of him or thinks you represent or display negative attributes that he ex may have had.

 

You are a rebound . . . and she knows it.

 

Thank you so much! I needed to hear that. I felt like I was just a naive buffoon stumbling about giving everyone a chance. I'm sorry to keep going, but I have a few questions that I think will help me avoid falling into this trap in the future:

1. When I asked her about her past, she said it'd been 2 years since she broke up with her serious ex, and had dated 2 guys that things didn't work out with in the interim. She had also explicitly told me that she doesn't like to fool around and is looking for something serious when I asked her what her goals were. Can people have more than one rebounds? And if so, how do I avoid being a rebound in the future?
   
2. Of the two guys she dated in the interim, one said I love you to her on the second date, and the other guy asked her to attend his grandfather's funeral 1-month into dating her. She walked away from both. Should I have flagged this as a flight risk?
   
3. Our first time being intimate together, she told me she hadn't had sex with a guy. I asked her what about with her serious ex, and she said she was too afraid of getting pregnant & messing up as a kid, and wanted to wait until after marriage. During our time being intimate, we didn't either. She was either on her period or she'd just say she wasn't ready. I tried to be sensitive, supportive, and never pressured her because I know how big of a deal it can be for some girls, but was this something I should have flagged and picked up on? If this happens to me again in the future, should I do the same or run like hell!?
   
4. What should I make of her telling me initially that she was breaking up because she was too afraid to trust someone and possibly be hurt down the road? Was that her trying to soften the blow? She never mentioned the ex until days later when I told her that I couldn't agree with her initial reasoning and wanted to help her not feel afraid. This is why I doubt myself on whether she is telling me the truth about the ex as well..
   

Edited December 2, 2016 by acephoenix

[Redhead14]

Thank you so much! I needed to hear that. I felt like I was just a naive buffoon stumbling about giving everyone a chance. I'm sorry to keep going, but I have a few questions that I think will help me avoid falling into this trap in the future:

1. When I asked her about her past, she said it'd been 2 years since she broke up with her serious ex, and had dated 2 guys that things didn't work out with in the interim. She had also explicitly told me that she doesn't like to fool around and is looking for something serious when I asked her what her goals were. Can people have more than one rebounds? And if so, how do I avoid being a rebound in the future?
   
2. Of the two guys she dated in the interim, one said I love you to her on the second date, and the other guy asked her to attend his grandfather's funeral 1-month into dating her. She walked away from both. Should I have looked at this as a signal of her being afraid of any serious situations? Should I have flagged this in any way?
   
3. Our first time being intimate together, she told me she hadn't had sex with a guy. I asked her about her serious ex, and she said she was too afraid of getting pregnant & messing up as a kid, and wanted to wait until after marriage. Both her older & younger sisters are active. During our time being intimate, we didn't either. She was either on her period or she'd just say she wasn't ready. I tried to be sensitive and supportive because I know how big of a deal it can be for some girls, but was this something I should have flagged and picked up on? If this happens to me again in the future, should I do the same or run like hell!?
   

 

You've only been dating this woman for a month. And, there's entirely too much drama for a month of dating. If she's been "broken up" with the ex for 2 years and still in love with him, she's either still keeping in touch with him and so she can't move on or she's just plain carrying baggage that prevents her from becoming connected to you. That's a long time after a break up, but if she's still in love with you, regardless of how long it's been, it's a rebound, a distraction, etc.

 

You say she dated a couple of other guys before you, yes? You're probably seeing the reason it didn't work with them.

 

You are picking up the flags right now . . . it's not going to work with her. She has "issues". I'm not condemning her for not having sex with you within a month of dating. That's her prerogative. But, no matter what the "reason" is, she doesn't want to date you anymore. You cannot Make someone want to be with you.

 

If you date a woman who tells you she is in love with her ex and/or tells you she doesn't want to date you anymore, you make your exit.

[travelbug1996]

So this woman is a virgin? Did I read that correctly.

[acephoenix]

Yes, she is. And to clarify, I never had an issue with her not having sex with me in the 3-4 months we dated - in fact, I told her to take her time with it and I never placed any type of pressure on her for it. I had trouble understanding that she didn't have sex with the guy she dated for 2.5 years and was sure she was going to marry, and her reason was that she was afraid of messing up and getting pregnant. When I asked her what about with me, her answer was that she doesn't have that fear anymore...

 

This combined with all signs I saw of commitment phobia put a tonne of pressure on me, and it made me go out of my way to accommodate her and make her feel comfortable. The issue was she kept telling me that I wasn't being myself... to which, I didn't know what to say or do because I was trying to be flexible with her issues and I didn't want to say anything that would freak her out... so obviously I wasn't being my 100% real self! Is it possible to be supportive to someone with issues while being my 100% real self? She said me being so accommodating stressed her out even more... could I have handled this differently?

 

I do want to say that you folks have been immensely helpful! I may have some more questions as I heal, and I'll just post them here to hopefully get more help from you

Edited December 2, 2016 by acephoenix