Me and GF are on a break [UPDATE We broke up]

[SethDamien]

We've been together for about 8 months now. But just this week, she's doesn't seem to respond to my calls anymore, so i began to worry. When confronted, she just says 'i dont want to talk' or 'im not in the mood', which just bothers me more.

 

Last night, she finally told me why she's been acting up; she felt she has no freedom with me - which is why she didn't want to answer my calls. I wondered because we only see each other about once or twice a week, and we only talk before going to bed. There's no third party, i can guarantee, but she did have problems at home where she also felt having no freedom from her parents.

 

I admit i have been controlling in our first two months because I've been trying to change her into someone she's not, probably as a knee-jerk reaction from my previous break-up whom i admit i still placed on a pedestal then. Now, i am no longer trying to change her as i see her as someone i love more than my Ex.

 

We've been really happy since then, but out of nowhere - this. She's 50/50 on breaking up... I want to tell her i don't care anymore since i haven't done anything to make her feel 'imprisoned' in our relationship.

 

what do you guys think?

[jjgitties]

I admit i have been controlling in our first two months because I've been trying to change her into someone she's not, probably as a knee-jerk reaction from my previous break-up whom i admit i still placed on a pedestal then. Now, i am no longer trying to change her as i see her as someone i love more than my Ex.

 

Well, thats not good. Why are you trying to change her into something she is not? Did you not get attached to her for who she was? How can you be so sure you have now changed and you are not trying to be overly controlling and making her change into someone she is not?

 

I have a feeling you know the answer you your problems with your GF better than you think you do.

[SethDamien]

yeah, that was the case about 2-3 months into our relationship... My ex was conservative, never drinks, converses deep topics, silent, dresses modestly, WHEREAS my new girl was outgoing, drinks at bars with her friends (mostly boys), goes out late, she even sings at a bar where, on stage, guys in the audience offer her 'tips' (but no, she doesn't take them)...

 

i guess i was a little insecure because i didn't see anything beyond that yet. And i tried to ask her to dress modestly, and to converse deep topics which i know doesn't interest her much. She is smart though.

 

YES she WAS a rebound, but now i realize after knowing her more, i do love her, more than i could ever love my ex.

 

I never told her to stop singing in bars, or going out drinking with friends, i even encourage it sometimes because i know she has a life of her own and i completely trust her... maybe its the way i talked down on her on our first few months that came back just now...

[d0nnivain]

Why not ask her what she thinks you can do to make her feel more free? If she feels smothered, some top down directive from you isn't going to make her feel empowered.

[Bastile]

She's 50/50 on breaking up... I want to tell her i don't care anymore since i haven't done anything to make her feel 'imprisoned' in our relationship.

 

what do you guys think?

 

Probably the worst thing that you could do is to panic, and try to fix yourself into being whatever she thinks that she wants.

 

The attitude should always be, "well there's the door. I'm not stopping you". Not with any sort of spite or hatred, but just out of having high self-esteem and being relaxed in who you are.

 

Don't tell her that directly. But believe it yourself. And allow it to dictate your behaviours moving forward.

 

Edit: telling someone that you "don't care", means that you care. Right?...

Edited May 16, 2017 by Bastile

[Tiga]

I would try to talk to her calmly, with an open mind and try to u desert and what is making her feel this way. Then I would acknowledge what she had to say and try to understand it without judging her.

 

If you two can meet in the middle and compromise the this is not a huge deal. But if she doesn't want to talk about it there is a bigger problem, not communicating is the bigger problem always vs what actually need to be put out on the table.

[SethDamien]

Why not ask her what she thinks you can do to make her feel more free? If she feels smothered, some top down directive from you isn't going to make her feel empowered.

 

I did ask her what she wanted to happen. She just said she's still mulling over it... she said she doesn't want to make a decision she might regret later. All she asked was that i don't make contact with her for a while.

[SethDamien]

The attitude should always be, "well there's the door. I'm not stopping you". Not with any sort of spite or hatred, but just out of having high self-esteem and being relaxed in who you are.

 

I agree, and I've been thinking, should I dump her first before she does? will that instill a sense of longing on her side, knowing that i really did not care? or just keep with the ignoring bit and hope that she can see through it?

[SethDamien]

I would try to talk to her calmly, with an open mind and try to u desert and what is making her feel this way. Then I would acknowledge what she had to say and try to understand it without judging her.

 

Yes, we did talk about it, she said we shouldn't talk for a while so that i wont muddle with her decision. And i agreed.

 

But i hate the fact that our relationship hinges on her alone, when in fact, we really didn't have any problems that caused this. We risk breaking up when there isn't any problem to start with. She's just bringing back old problems that no longer exists.

[SpiralOut]

If this girl has any self esteem at all, she won't stick around with a guy who claims to not care about her.

[Bastile]

I agree, and I've been thinking, should I dump her first before she does? will that instill a sense of longing on her side, knowing that i really did not care?

 

No that's you trying to protect your ego. That is a fear based decision.

 

 

or just keep with the ignoring bit and hope that she can see through it?

 

I would give her the space she says she wants...

 

...but if she thinks I'm waiting around crying whilst she decide whether or not to dump me, then she'd be very stupid.

 

Hence, why no woman has put me on a break since about 2007 . This girl has the impression that you can be messed around in this manner. She doesn't respect you adequately.

 

If you were smart, you'd allow her to think what she likes. Leave things on ice with her for a while. And in the meantime, you'd be going on a few dates here and there to consider your own options.

 

Nothing better pan out? Then try to work things out with this one.

 

You are essentially on a "break". All bets are off.

Edited May 16, 2017 by Bastile

[SethDamien]

If this girl has any self esteem at all, she won't stick around with a guy who claims to not care about her.

 

Also a valid point, what would you do?

 

How do i let her know i care for her without making her think that I'm desperate in keeping her, thus turning her off?

 

I know im in pain about this, but one cant help but laugh at that question.

[SethDamien]

If you were smart, you'd allow her to think what she likes. Leave things on ice with her for a while. And in the meantime, you'd be going on a few dates here and there to consider your own options.

 

Nothing better pan out? Then try to work things out with this one.

 

You are essentially on a "break". All bets are off.

 

yeah, i could do that, go on dates with someone else, but, wouldn't that just hurt my chances if she knew?

 

I've been trying to call my friends out though, at least she'll see me not grieving over it and having a life without her.

[Bastile]

yeah, i could do that, go on dates with someone else, but, wouldn't that just hurt my chances if she knew?

 

I've been trying to call my friends out though, at least she'll see me not grieving over it and having a life without her.

 

It could have either effect. That's not the point. It's not about her.

 

It's about you. And allowing a woman complete control over your sexuality, whilst she neither wants to see, or even want to speak to you, is complete madness. She has absolute power over you - and therefore lacks respect.

 

The greatest prison is the one we create for ourselves.

[jjgitties]

Its really hard to gauge. There seems to be a lot of contradictory information in your posts. You love her, you want to dump her before she dumps you. She was a rebound, now she is not a rebound... you spend a lot of time with her, now you dont spend a lot of time with her.

 

I think based on what you posted, it sounds like she needs some space. So give her the space she needs. Don't dwell over what will happen in that space you give her that she is asking for. Just give her the space and go find things to keep you busy. Just tell her that. "I am giving you the space you need and call me when you want to."

 

If she doesn't contact you within 2 or 3 weeks. Contact her and ask her how is space going for her and where do things stand between you. It hard to do that but its the only way.

[PegNosePete]

There's no third party, i can guarantee

Said every. Single. Poster. Ever.

 

Sorry dude, there's a 3rd party.

[doyathinkso]

You don't have to dump her. She has already dumped you.

[SethDamien]

My GF of 8 months said she needed space, she felt suffocated despite the fact that we only see each other twice a week and we only talk through the phone before going to bed.

 

I don't know if there is someone else or not, but whatever the case, such info is useless since were on a break!

 

She told me she needs time to think. I guess I smothered her more than I care to admit. I do love her and wouldn't want to lose her, but to hell if she thinks I'm gonna wait and sit around 'till she makes a decision. I guess the best thing to do right now is to treat this as a break up so i wont get my hopes up?

 

What would you guys recommend i do during this hiatus while trying to work out this relationship?

[mrs rubble]

Have you discussed if you're both going to date other people on this "break"? Or whether you're both going to stay celibate? If not I think you need to ask, it could be she's considering auditioning a few more guy's for the part of "her boyfriend."

If she say's she's going to date, but stay celibate, tell her you'll do the same and try to do just that.

 

 

Also I wonder how old you two are? I wonder how assertive you are?

[dumbass2]

Sorry, but IMO there is no such thing as a break. Right now there is no relationship. You work on things while still together and committed to each other or you break up in which case you both are free to do whatever you want. I suggest you tell her that you work on things together or you're taking this "break" as a break up and moving forward. Don't let her string you along as it sounds like she's is quite aware that you're feelings are lot stronger then hers.

[SethDamien]

Have you discussed if you're both going to date other people on this "break"? Or whether you're both going to stay celibate? If not I think you need to ask, it could be she's considering auditioning a few more guy's for the part of "her boyfriend."

If she say's she's going to date, but stay celibate, tell her you'll do the same and try to do just that.

 

 

Also I wonder how old you two are? I wonder how assertive you are?

 

She's 21, im 25. We didnt exactly set the terms and the word 'break' never occurred to us. She only asked that i not interrupt her at this stage as she's dealing with her own problems now. (she's still in college while working in their family business).

 

She also said she's 50/50 on the relationship because i was too demanding - forcing her to always answer my calls/texts, and I always get angry whenever she cancels our plans despite the fact that we rarely meet.

 

As for my assertiveness, i don't really know how to answer that.

[SethDamien]

Sorry, but IMO there is no such thing as a break. Right now there is no relationship. You work on things while still together and committed to each other or you break up in which case you both are free to do whatever you want. I suggest you tell her that you work on things together or you're taking this "break" as a break up and moving forward. Don't let her string you along as it sounds like she's is quite aware that you're feelings are lot stronger then hers.

 

Yeah, im black and white about this too... either there's a relationship or none at all. Thats why, in my previous post, i opt to end the relationship rather than stay and be at her mercy.

[d0nnivain]

She also said she's 50/50 on the relationship because i was too demanding - forcing her to always answer my calls/texts, and I always get angry whenever she cancels our plans despite the fact that we rarely meet.

 

As for my assertiveness, i don't really know how to answer that.

 

 

Demanding & forcing her to answer your texts is the crux of your problem. She is taking this break because she's afraid of your temper in the face of her rejection. She's running for daylight to get away from your endeavors to control her. I'm loathe to call you abusive, but you are headed in that direction unless you reverse course soon.

 

 

You can't force somebody to answer your calls & texts. If you tried that domineering inappropriate behavior with most people they would tell you where to get off in a heartbeat. No wonder this poor girl wants out. In a healthy relationship where you made her happy she would want to spend time with you. The fact that she cancels plans & you have to force her to communicate with you is a sign of severe dysfunction

 

 

Do end things with her. Get some anger management counseling & when you learn how to control your negative emotions & that the world doesn't revolve around you, then you can date again. Not before & certainly not her.

[SethDamien]

Demanding & forcing her to answer your texts is the crux of your problem.

 

Thanks @d0nnivain! You hit it head on and I needed that fresh perspective of yours.

 

My anger gets in the form of sending a dozen texts or missed calls asking her to call back or to reply. And when we finally get to talk, i don't verbally abuse her, but i do rant --- a lot.

 

She didn't say anything close to a break. All she asked was that I don't interrupt her at this moment. Yesterday was her exam, but another one is due next week. And their business has been needing a lot of quotations lately, and she's helping her mother do just that.

 

I just want to call her and apologize, then, step back for a while and evaluate myself... then, IDK what to do after that.

[mrs rubble]

She's 21, im 25. We didnt exactly set the terms and the word 'break' never occurred to us. She only asked that i not interrupt her at this stage as she's dealing with her own problems now. (she's still in college while working in their family business).

 

She also said she's 50/50 on the relationship because i was too demanding - forcing her to always answer my calls/texts, and I always get angry whenever she cancels our plans despite the fact that we rarely meet.

 

As for my assertiveness, i don't really know how to answer that.

I would say your assertive, given this reply, but maybe a little too much so as donnivain said your bordering on being controlling and abusive. It's time to learn how to reign in the anger.