In shock. Completely blindsided by breakup

[Glam]

My boyfriend of 3 months broke up with me yesterday by text while I was still in his bed asleep (he was at work). I literally woke up to a text from him (after he kissed me while I was asleep) saying he thinks we need a break for a bit because he's always stressed out and tired because of work. He said he thinks we should "calm down" and "we're not done" but he thinks maybe we should go back to the way we were at the start. So casually dating but not a relationship. By this point reading this I was in shock. Maintains that he still loves me but doesn't have time for a relationship like he thought. Wanted to still see me but go slow until he gets time off work. He does work crazy hours.

 

I was texting him while still in his bed getting extremely upset and I just said to him why can't you just break up with me when you clearly don't want to be with me you're just too scared. He then says "okay I'm breaking up with you so". That was pretty much all that was said. This happened yesterday morning. He texted me last night to say did I tell his mother we broke up. I just said don't contact me again please. And his response was just "ok".

 

I'm so confused and feel so blindsided. A few days before this happened we had an argument that we eventually resolved. He text asking to talk. We met up and talked, both apologized and we kissed, said we love each other. He asked me back to his place for dinner with his mother. Once we made up after the argument he was all over me cuddling me, being sweet, saying he loves me (he said it first that night). He seemed genuinely happy and I'm not just saying that. He was joking and we were laughing and all seemed good. He even held my hand walking back to his house and he rarely does, that saying he feels closer to me now after we made up after the argument. He said he wasn't happy at work knowing we had argument. The night before he texted me about breaking up we were in his bed listening to music cuddling and he again told me he loves me. He literally pulled me closer to cuddle. We even had passionate sex 2 days ago.

 

I can't understand what happened. I know he was stressed and tired because of work but would he really put on an act like that? HE would text me the minute he was finished work to meet. HE said HE would miss me otherwise and if I didn't meet him for one night he'd be saying he missed me, can't sleep if I'm not in the bed with him, I relax him, I make him smile. WHAT THE HELL. Anyone who I told this to can't make sense of it. This is coming from a guy who a week back told me I'm everything to him and I'm perfect. It's not like he just wanted sex because we also just cuddled in bed, had dinner and watch tv that was it. His mother loved me even said we got on great.

 

If he did meet someone else or was planning this the whole time why keep telling me he loved me and literally act lovey dovey around me. Why even make up after the argument we had just to dump me again. It was all him doing that and asking to see me consistently. I don't get it? I have blocked him on facebook and I'm going no contact.

 

I really need advice because I'm in so much shock I can't even eat. He doesn't even seem to care. I'm trying to imagine myself in his shoes doing that and treating someone like this but I couldn't even think of doing it to anyone.

[Cookiesandough]

The guy love bombed you from the start...had red flags all over him. Usually when they burn fast they go out fast. They're an impulsive sort. No idea why it happened, but I'm sorry. NC and give yourself time to heal. Don't try to fix this. He's unpredictable and can't be trusted

[Glam]

The guy love bombed you from the start...had red flags all over him. Usually when they burn fast they go out fast. They're an impulsive sort. No idea why it happened, but I'm sorry. NC and give yourself time to heal. Don't try to fix this. He's unpredictable and can't be trusted

 

 

Why would he love bomb me though? It's so confusing. What other red flags did he have?

[act00]

You weren't going out long enough for more red flags, but the hot/cold is starting, and you don't want that. He upped the ante when you told him to leave you alone. He got you hooked back in. The love bombing is enough, though.

 

No one knows for sure if it's true love during the honeymoon phase, and your honeymoon phase is ending. In the beginning, you do lose sleep and blow off some responsibilities to a degree in order to spend more time together, and it's a lot of fun and hot and exciting as you get to know each other, but that can't be maintained forever, and that's when reality hits, true personalities start coming out. His work schedule is difficult and while he likes you, he can't maintain the high level of togetherness, even though he initiated - honeymoon phase. He's probably confused too, as he doesn't want to lose you, but he can't keep up, either. The thing is, in another month or two, he could determine that he doesn't love you and he doesn't want to be with you anymore.

 

Always be wary of men who shower the romance and love so early. Behavior like that could turn to jealousy and control, when you start wanting to do things alone or with friends and not spend all of your free time with him or anytime he's available. Normal relationships settle into something workable, but his behavior could lead to him controlling you, demanding your time when he wants it, and admonishing you if you go out with friends, accusations, etc. It will keep you derailed until it breaks you or you end it.

 

It hurts and it's confusing, but this is probably for the best. At this stage, there are no indicators that there was anything really wrong, but it was the honeymoon phase. That's what makes it hurt so much worse. You already had a doozy of a fight, and that's not necessarily the best sign so early on.

 

There's no way to determine why he would do this, but you should move on...or proceed with extreme caution.

[umirano]

The light that burns twice as bright only lasts half as long. Yes he is erratic and confusing. He probably doesn't know himself what he really wants. Go NC. Complicated, opaque people make your life very hard. Don't let them treat you this way, it teaches them it's okay and it will never stop.

[Cookiesandough]

Why would he love bomb me though? It's so confusing. What other red flags did he have?

 

For some it's just their method to woo you, but often times they are just emotionally immature. They are riding with their emotions at the time (lust, idealism, excitement) and not thinking about things practically because they have no intention to necessarily keep their commitments. They think it's fine to do stuff like this to another person to get out once 'reality' kicks in, excitement fades, or something else catches their attention.

 

That's not to say that all relationships that move fast are doomed, but huge signs to watch out for are when a guy is moving things way to fast, intimacy that seems rushed, you just get a weird feeling in your gut...

 

 

I'm not sure the exact details, but I do know it's a bad idea to have anything more to do with a guy who can tell you he loves you and then a few days later break up with you out of the blue by text message. You need better. You have handled it great so far. He will probably be back like a gnat.. Stay NC.

Edited August 9, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[d0nnivain]

I'm sorry but this man deserves to be cut out of your life. You were in his bed. Presumably you had sex. Then he left you in his bed & texted you to break up with you.

 

What an absolute coward. You can't stay with a guy who has so little regard for you & no maturity.

 

If I were you I'd be furious about the callous impersonal treatment. Get rid of him & go date a grown up.

[Lorenza]

This happens because people have become too lazy to go through all the necessary phases of a new relationship. Looking for shortcuts and rushing into it without letting it grow naturally will result in relationship with no real substance. When you live through emotions worth a whole year in just a few months, don't expect it to last.

 

OP, next time either set a slower pace or don't go for high intensity guys.

[Gaeta]

This happens because people have become too lazy to go through all the necessary phases of a new relationship. Looking for shortcuts and rushing into it without letting it grow naturally will result in relationship with no real substance. When you live through emotions worth a whole year in just a few months, don't expect it to last.

 

OP, next time either set a slower pace or don't go for high intensity guys.

 

I agree 1000% time with this.

 

OP, he did it because it felt good TO HIM at the time. He lived in the moment without asking himself if his feelings were genuine or just infatuation and certainly did not ask himself if you'd end up hurt being the *object* of his addiction. He used you while it was fun then discarded you like yesterday's newspaper.

 

Look at my quote below.

 

I am very sorry this is happening to you. Very sorry. I think it happened to most of us on here, we learn from it a great deal.

 

 

.

.

[Gr8fuln2020]

OP,

 

Yeah, listen the earlier posters.

 

I am high intensity, but that is my personality, so it can be difficult to point out which ones are themselves or which ones are simply in the moment and burning bright to snag you.

 

His initial intent was to break up, not cool it off. He simply didn't want to or felt comfortable telling you. Once you proposed the idea, he felt liberated enough to let his true intentions known. He was finished with you.

 

Next time, don't let a guy bamboozle you with I Love Yous during the first three months of dating. You need to insist on taking things slower, gradually...

[Glam]

An update: He just text me to say he's sorry for hurting me he's just not ready for a full time girlfriend since he started working at his new job (to be fair he is basically working all the time, I only saw him at night) He said he does love me but we can't enjoy the relationship with all the hours he's working. He said he didn't feel like that until he went to work that morning. He said we could of went back to just seeing each other while he's working those hours but I wanted either full time or break up so he broke up with me. What do I even say to that? If anything all? He basically wants to downgrade me.

[d0nnivain]

What you say to that is goodbye.

 

 

This man still can't get off his phone & have an intelligent face to face conversation.

 

 

He is incapable of giving you the mature, committed relationship you want.

 

 

Why are you even thinking about sticking around to be his F-toy when he's in the mood? Have some self respect & be done with this guy.

[Cookiesandough]

Uhh how about not. That doesn't make any sense. There's no reason why he can't have the girl he supposedly loves and just see her less often with work, He's full of it. He's just trying to lose the commitment and keep you for a f buddy

[Glam]

You are all right. I can't go back to that. He basically wants to see me casually like at the start even though we were in a relationship. How can you just downgrade someone from relationship to casual. That's confusing and weird as hell. He could easily keep me as a girlfriend if he really loved me and just see me less often if that was needed while he was working so much.

[Glam]

Someone please talk some sense into me I know it's useless and he literally is trying to get everything on his terms but I can't help wanting to talk to him. I know I shouldn't but I do have really strong feelings for him. I'm 21 if that makes any difference to how stupid I'd be if I replied.

[Gaeta]

Someone please talk some sense into me I know it's useless and he literally is trying to get everything on his terms but I can't help wanting to talk to him. I know I shouldn't but I do have really strong feelings for him. I'm 21 if that makes any difference to how stupid I'd be if I replied.

 

He is offering you to 'use' you, say no and move on.

 

His work is just an excuse, he wants to be single again that's his real reason.

 

Now, you will block him everywhere and on your phone as well, block him then delete his number.

 

You are 21 years old, you will find love again in no time. He's a little prick that does not care about you one bit!! Call your girlfriends and have a crying party! Then go get a new haircut, get your nails done and go clubbing!

[umirano]

The fact that he spends more hours at work shouldn't impact how he views the relationship or you. Yes he may be able to see you less, but that doesn't warrant the downgrade from serious to casual. A change in his feelings warrants a downgrade from serious to casual. Are you willing to put up with that?

[d0nnivain]

Your new matra is: I can do better.

 

 

You like him. You wanted this to work. We have all been there.

 

 

Problem is this guy is not an emotionally functional adult yet. He doesn't want what you want so you have choices: You can let him use your body or you can walk away with your dignity & self respect. Nobody will judge you is you chose to stay but understand you are just in for more heartache.

[ExpatInItaly]

Forget this clown. He's a little punk for texting you a break-up while you are still in his bed. Reminds of Carrie Bradshaw waking up to a break-up Post-It on the Sex and the City. Only that was fiction - your ex is a real-life tool.

 

Many of us only see our partners are night because we work during the day too. That's a BS excuse. He's incredibly immature, and you can most certainly do better.

 

I am sorry this happened. Be very cautious in the future of guys who come on very strong, very quickly. It usually doesn't end well, unfortunately.