Should I end the relationship? UPDATED: Finding it hard to move on

[KLB1996]

I have been dating my current boyfriend for 6 months (I'll refer to him as G). We met on a dating app. We're both early 40's...he's never been married and I am divorced.

 

When G and I first met, I immediately liked him but was hesitant to get into a relationship as I had just had my heart broken by another relationship ending.

 

G had also told me he's never been in a really long term relationship before. I think the longest he ever dated anyone was maybe a year. He's never been engaged or lived with anyone either. I was concerned this was a huge red flag given his age and allowed my friends to convince me maybe he had not met the right woman yet. After two months of him asking to be exclusive, I decided to go for it.

 

Although we should still be in that "honeymoon" phase, I feel like our relationship is pretty rocky sometimes. It seems he is constantly nit picking or criticizing me for something. He tells me constantly I talk too much and I try to touch him too much in public (holding hands, etc. nothing crazy). It's gotten to the point where I feel like anything I might say or do will be picked apart.

 

Last month, we went on a trip with some friends. It was my first time meeting these people. He screamed at me in front of everyone one evening because I asked him "too many times" to get in the hot tub with me and he didn't want to get in. Everyone looked stunned and were quick to console me after he stormed inside. I was so humiliated. Last weekend, we were out one night and he started talking about something. I made a comment (honestly don't even recall what it was ) and he yelled "OMG you are doing it again!!!" I had no idea what I had done. We were together last night and I had asked if he wanted to go to Vegas together in a few weeks and his response was "that he doesn't understand how that would even be fun for me because all he does when he is there is sit at a table gambling and watches sports". I was just trying to think of something fun for us to do.

 

Everytime I have mentioned something about his hurtful comments, he finds a way to blame me. Like with the screaming incident on the trip, he apologized the next day but then had to throw in "but I did ask you to stop asking me to get in and yet you asked again. I don't know why I always have to tell you multiple times to stop doing something. You only listen when I yell at you."

 

I know most people would advise that I should end our relationship but then he will turn around and act completely fine, loving and caring and it makes me second guess myself. He is also extremely funny and makes me laugh like nobody else. Is there a way for me to bring these concerns to his attention that will help him to realize how hurtful it is to me? Or am I just being too sensitive?

[Trust666]

If he doesn't listen and you are having communication problems like this it may be time to move on. This is something you need to determine for yourself, and if he blames you for his actions that is not a good sign of it ever changing.

 

//G had also told me he's never been in a really long term relationship before. I think the longest he ever dated anyone was maybe a year. He's never been engaged or lived with anyone either. I was concerned this was a huge red flag given his age and allowed my friends to convince me maybe he had not met the right woman yet. After two months of him asking to be exclusive, I decided to go for it.//

 

In his instance, it might be a red flag coupled with how he communicates BUT I don;t think it's a red flag. Some of us are just picky. I rarely get into LTR for one reason, I don't find women I like much and when I do it ends badly so I am very choosy and protective. Casual dating is one thing but I don;t think on it's own it's a red flag. There is something to be said for someone who has very little "baggage".

[1966Seahorse]

Hi KLB1996,

 

You say:-

 

" ... I feel like our relationship is pretty rocky sometimes ..."

 

" ... It seems he is constantly nit picking or criticizing me for something ..."

 

" ... He tells me constantly I talk too much and I try to touch him too much in public (holding hands, etc. nothing crazy) ..."

 

" ... It's gotten to the point where I feel like anything I might say or do will be picked apart ..."

 

" ... He screamed at me in front of everyone one evening ..."

 

" ... I was so humiliated ..."

 

" ... I made a comment (honestly don't even recall what it was ) and he yelled "OMG you are doing it again!!!" I had no idea what I had done ..."

 

" ... Everytime I have mentioned something about his hurtful comments, he finds a way to blame me ..."

 

This doesn't make for good reading does it?

 

And maybe this shows why he has never been in a long term relationship before, lived with anyone or got married ... because no-one (quite rightly) will put up with this behaviour.

 

I personally don't think there should be any occasion when a partner should be screaming at their other half .... it is totally disrespectful and belittling.

 

You say "but then he will turn around and act completely fine, loving and caring and it makes me second guess myself. He is also extremely funny and makes me laugh like nobody else" .... but all the hurtful things he says and the way he treats you kinda cancels this out.

 

It reads almost as if you are walking on eggshells all the time ... and no-one should have to be felt to live like that.

 

Personally, I really couldn't live with someone like this ... you deserve better ... you must never know where you stand!

 

I can only suggest that you get him to sit down with you and listen whilst you explain things that are concerning you about the relationship.

 

If he doesn't listen or change his ways .... well ... I know what I would do.

 

Good luck x

[Trust666]

I agree, but it's up to you. He either is miserable and can't keep a woman or he might be trying to tell you he is done himself.

[Been]

He runs hot and cold and your waiting and hoping that he becomes hot for you and stays hot.

I'm around your age so I understand where you are coming from.

I think you'll find yourself walking on egg shells trying to appease him rather then building a strong foundation in the relationship.

I'm of the opinion that if your SO wants to hold your hand in public that it should be viewed as great not bothersome.

You can either WAIT and hope he comes around to what you expect and DESERVE or you can stand up for yourself and demand better for yourself.

You should never have to BEG for someones attention while your dating.

Relationships esp at are age are not "projects" that should require you to change or put your expectations on hold - by are age you should know what you want and what you expect.

[olivetree]

You're not being too sensitive, you're being too nice!

 

If you don't want to end it immediately, you could try ONCE to tell him his behaviour is unacceptable so that you feel you have done everything you could.

The likelihood of him changing at his age though is slim to none.

[KLB1996]

Thank you for the responses so far. It is true that I do walk on eggshells around him a lot. I just feel like it doesn't matter what I say, he will find something to get on me about. I have a feeling this is why he has had so many relationships fail over the years.

 

I have made many excuses for his behavior....he's stressed at work, he's depressed, he suffered childhood trauma as a result of having an abusive, alcoholic father, I provoke him, etc. I know I can't keep doing this and that I deserve better. He's also a very heavy drinker which is probably factoring into his behavior.

 

I know I need to speak with him about it sooner rather than later. He is a morning person and is generally always very sweet to me in the mornings. Might be a good time to bring it up when I know he's in a good mood and not drinking.

[Been]

Your past is no excuse to treat someone badly.

You mention drinking. If he's an alcoholic at that age chances are pretty good he isn't changing.

I think you just want to be with someone and be happy. Nothing wrong with that. But their is something wrong with having to change your standards to be with someone. You can do better.

[BluesPower]

I guess that after your divorce and bad r's...Dear, you don't really understand how a man is supposed to treat a woman.

 

I have had some of the same questions from my new GF about the way that I love her. I treat her like a queen, because she is for me. She loves our affection and the fact that I spoil her. Geez, sometimes I will do something nice for her and she gets all teary eyed. She was never treated properly in the bed room or anywhere else.

 

Affection, for gods sake don't get with a man that in not affectionate or is embarrassed BY PDA's. Why would anyone be that way or want to be that way. When I am with a woman that I love, if I feel the need to kiss her, I am going to kiss her in front of anyone and everyone.

 

I believe that we all need touch and affection in our lives.

 

New GF and I spend almost as much time cuddling as we do making love, and we make love every chance we can.

 

Look, you need to change your standards and try to find a guy that loves you the way that you want to be loved. And, you need to figure out what that is, not what you would settle for, but what you want.

 

Time for this guy to disappear from your life... There are way better men out there.

[Lovengrace]

From your posts, it seems like you know what you should do, but are trying to find reasons to stay in the relationship. The two of you sound like you have different value systems and when they clash, he responds poorly then blames you for his behavior. He may be fun and wonderful when happy, but I think it is critical for you pay closer attention to his attitude when he is in a bad mood. Your posts suggest that he is not remorseful for his poor treatment of you. No matter how fun, or loving he may be, if he is unloving and disrespectful to you AND he is unable to admit he is wrong, or he is sorry... I think you will save a lot of heartbreak and sorrow in the future with him. Other posts express very valid concerns. What happens when you walk away from him?

[KLB1996]

My boyfriend and I broke up on Oct. 29th. We had been together for 6 months and he had been mistreating me for about half that time. He would often be evasive about where he had been, who he had been spending time with, not returning texts or calls, cancelling plans, etc. I am not sure he was cheating but at minimum, he has serious commitment issues (40 years old, never married, no engagements or long term relationships, no children, lives downtown in the city we live in a well known "party" area, parties a ton, etc.). I, on the other hand, am divorced with children. I needed someone stable and while he seemed great in the beginning, I kind of knew in my heart it would not likely work out but there were other things I loved about him so wanted to see where it would lead.

 

While he is the one that brought up the break up because he felt we weren't right for each other, we both mutually agreed to it. I knew it had to come to an end but wasn't ready to give up just yet. I had another relationship that ended earlier this year and couldn't stand the thought of another heartache.

 

Despite that he didn't treat me well most of the time, there were parts of him that were wonderful and I am finding myself missing him more instead of less. And then today, I saw a pic on Facebook of him with two couples plus a woman. I have never seen this woman before. It wasn't obvious in the pic they are together as in a couple but my mind is racing with possibilities. I know, the easy answer is I need to unfriend him but I feel like if I do he will know he "got to me", kwim?

 

I hate feeling this way! I have gone out on a few dates but am not excited about anyone I have met or talked to thus far. I don't know how to move on from yet another guy in such a short period of time. He did contact me a few days after the break up and told me he was sorry for how he treated me that night (we was a massive jerk) and that I didn't deserve it then asked if we could be friends. I told him I agreed we needed to break up and thanked him for the apology. He has not reached out to me since.

 

I don't know why I am so hung up on this guy! I guess it's more dealing with the shock that it is finally over. I was in denial for awhile and now it's hitting me especially since the holidays are approaching and I am alone.

Edited December 1, 2017 by KLB1996

[irresolute]

Your words from a post of October 19th:

 

G had also told me he's never been in a really long term relationship before. I think the longest he ever dated anyone was maybe a year. He's never been engaged or lived with anyone either

 

Although we should still be in that "honeymoon" phase, I feel like our relationship is pretty rocky sometimes. It seems he is constantly nit picking or criticizing me for something. He tells me constantly I talk too much and I try to touch him too much in public (holding hands, etc. nothing crazy). It's gotten to the point where I feel like anything I might say or do will be picked apart.

 

He screamed at me in front of everyone one evening because I asked him "too many times" to get in the hot tub with me and he didn't want to get in. Everyone looked stunned and were quick to console me after he stormed inside. I was so humiliated

 

I made a comment (honestly don't even recall what it was ) and he yelled "OMG you are doing it again!!!" I had no idea what I had done.

 

Everytime I have mentioned something about his hurtful comments, he finds a way to blame me. Like with the screaming incident on the trip, he apologized the next day but then had to throw in "but I did ask you to stop asking me to get in and yet you asked again. I don't know why I always have to tell you multiple times to stop doing something. You only listen when I yell at you."

 

I have made many excuses for his behavior....he's stressed at work, he's depressed, he suffered childhood trauma as a result of having an abusive, alcoholic father, I provoke him, etc. I know I can't keep doing this and that I deserve better. He's also a very heavy drinker which is probably factoring into his behavior.

 

 

My advice: love yourself and do not allow someone to treat you like a doormat. You don't deserve it.