Dumper's Regret

[TheElephant]

Hi all. First time post on here but I’ve lurked for a while and find the advice to be pretty good. I’ve also been on here when I’ve been ok just to check back and see how much I’ve moved on.

 

This is an unusual one as I was the dumper and it was my decision. It wasn’t something that was engineered by her, just something that came about.

 

Anyway, as a first post I’ll quickly explain my situation. I’m mid-late 30s and live in London and enjoy everything it has. She’s early-mid 40s and lives about 200 miles away in a small rural town, within 50 miles of most of my immediate family and 30 miles of my best friend. Having said that, I’m not particularly close to my family and most of my life is in London.

 

We met through a mutual friend at a function and when I first met her I didn’t think she wasn’t my type at all. Over the following few hours we talked and there and then I felt really strongly for her, so when she revealed that she had a son (up until that point I was adamant that I didn’t want to be with someone with a child), I wasn’t put off at all. The following days and months we text and met and became an item, albeit a long distance one. As part of what I wanted out of life I did ask on the first occasion she came to visit me if she wanted to have more children and the exact words of her answer to that was “I’d love to have more children.”

 

Around 7 months in she had a bit of a wobble where she was overwhelmed with an issue with her previous relationship (she was a widow) and ended things with me. We were back together a week or so afterwards but as we were lay in bed kissing the first night back together she said “you do know I can’t have more children, don’t you?” As I was happy to be back together, at that moment it didn’t matter and in a way, I’d begun to accept not having children as her son was 11 and as she had a good sense of adventure and we both had good jobs, we’d be able to spend plenty of time travelling when he was older which was only around 5-6 years away. I also think as I said nothing when she said she couldn’t have kids that from then on it was my issue to deal with alone. We had a great relationship, even though we only saw each other every two weeks for the weekend though we did go abroad together too and eventually the three of us went on a holiday together. This was where things became a bit more awkward. I personally believe that her son was spoiled by her, understandably to some extent after going through a divorce and a widowing. I did try to discipline him but was undermined a couple of times so just bit my tongue and didn’t say anything.

 

She’d always said to me that she’d never move to London because it’d be too much upheaval for her son, so I knew it was me who’d have to move to be with her. Admittedly whilst I was mentally preparing to leave my life in London, I probably wasn’t doing it quickly enough and I also wasn’t talking to her about my feelings, which was a mistake. Around March time things became a bit more strained and we had a couple of arguments over text that spilled to our weekend. I was given the silent treatment and her doing this brought home a reality that I would be completely dependent on her for companionship, certainly for the first few months. One thing began to sound the death knell for me was that on our final weekend together was that all three of us went out bowling. There were a few times when I’d turn back around from taking a shot and see them both laughing along at something on her phone, not really watching me. Whilst this may sound incredibly petty, it made me feel that I was tagging along with them instead of being part of a step family. It began to make me feel isolated and I reacted badly to that with both her and her son that night, not physically but was snappy with them which upset her son and she became annoyed with me. The next day was the same silent treatment which was excruciating, so much so that I left early and walked to the train station which was fairly far away, just to get to leave early. It was then that I gave her our last kiss. I remember thinking at the time how nice that kiss was despite us not getting on that weekend.

 

We didn’t really talk via text the rest of the day and she suggested that we speak over the phone the next day. All I’d been thinking about was how I was looking to give up everything (having kids, plentiful friends close by, the London living, many more and better paying jobs in my sector) to be with her and she couldn’t even be civil towards me when we were out bowling, or realise that I may be isolated. The phone call was further exacerbated by the fact that I’d only just returned home having cycled back from work and therefore was full of adrenaline and therefore she got both barrels of my frustration, telling her that I thought she spoiled her son and how isolated she made me feel. I didn’t tell her everything I was looking at giving up as I didn’t want to hurt her. I still look back with deep regret at that conversation but once it was done, it was a difficult night. I thought I could put her out of my mind easily as I carried on and to a certain extent, I did. We had a drunken phone call where I agreed to back up and chat to her but cancelled doing that when I was sober. Things therefore ended.

 

I still though about her a lot and was so tempted to text her, especially when I was drunk but refrained from doing so as I knew I’d ended it and she was upset so didn’t want to cause her more pain. We had exchanged some pleasant texts together but she instigated them until around early September. I hugely regret and am ashamed of the phone call and the way it went but believed that I’d get to see her again. Once in September as I believed she was on a conference in London but turned out to be elsewhere and once at the November function where we’d originally met. Whilst I realised I wouldn’t get a great deal of time with her there I thought we’d get enough to get past general chit chat. We didn’t and I was devastated, feeling as bad then as I had when it ended

 

I text her a couple of days later saying how I felt bad that we couldn’t speak more. She said hopefully next time we see each other it’ll be easier and I agreed and said that I’d see her next November, trying to hammer home that it’d be another full year until we met again. She did say she was in London with her son in early January and therefore we could meet up for a coffee if I wanted but soon afterwards ended the conversation saying she was in bet at 8pm with food poisoning.

 

I text her once more since asking how things were going and again we exchanged a few pleasant messages. My final few texts were to say that I was close by over the Christmas period and asked whether she’d like to meet. She initially said she’d get back to me and then text a few days later saying she couldn’t. So apart from the January meeting, which will be short and her son will be there, I won’t be within 200 miles of her for the foreseeable future.

 

I regret that it ended and I regret the way I ended it. I realise that 7 months is a long time, especially when you don’t see each other at all and there’s a strong chance she’s completely over the relationship though I don’t believe she’s seeing anyone else.

 

Due to the way I feel, the last thing I’ll do in relation to her is to send her a short email explaining how sorry I was for the way things ended and how I still miss her so if there is the possibility of meeting to perhaps discuss a future together then I’d like to. If she doesn’t want to then it’s a decision I’ll accept and not contact her again as I don’t want to be an ex who harasses someone though as she’s said herself in the past – life’s too short - so to not send the letter would be something I’d probably regret more. It may cause me short term heartache but at least I’ll be able to move on though full of regret for the way I handled things.

 

So that’s my story. I’m set on sending the letter so I’m just here to vent really and am open to people’s opinions. I do realise sending this letter is incredibly selfish of me as I’m only really considering myself. Having said that, if she’s over it, I’ve asked her to completely dismiss it but if she isn’t, then something good may come of it.

 

Thanks for listening!

[Gr8fuln2020]

I don't believe that I can provide a rational or objective response to your post. I too, sent a letter to my ex apologizing. It is clear that she was not ready and the past is still too raw. I consider myself a romantic and unfortunately, it comes with the territory that we do things from our hearts and not our heads. I have made mistakes and currently going through therapy to figure some things out, but my mistakes, I believe, are more grievous than your own.

 

Will it help you to sent it? Are you prepared for the worst? It is selfish of you. It is very selfish when the dumper comes back to retrieve something that they duly lost. I'm not being judgmental. I have already done this and tell you that the issue is actually worse. I have re-opened old wounds and my explanations have been insufficient. Like I said earlier, the hurt is too raw and I miscalculated.

 

Are you prepared for the accusations?! The amateur diagnoses of your state of mind? Blah, blah, blah? If so and you feel that you need to let her know what and how you feel, send it. Just remember, it may not be received in the way you would like.

 

Believe me. I am going through something similar right now. Good luck.

[TheElephant]

Well the letter went in and now.........

 

The latest is now in the coping section

[IReallyLovePuppies]

A bit late to this but you got to understand that some single mother will never be ready for a relationship. They will want the new guy to give them absolute attention but as mother are.. her focus will be on her child and not you.

 

It seems that you are not ready for this but on the same token.. What she did was rather insensitive as well..

 

Will the letter helps..I don't think so. Once a dumper comes around begging to go back.. He loses all creditability. To be honest.. There is no real way to go about this and I'll suggest that you might consider just moving on with your life.

 

I know you have this dream in your head about how the relationship is going to be but the reality is very different, you will have a step son that you will always be under mined if you try to discipline him and the sad future is that once he grows up, he will see you as his Mom bf and not the man of the house.

 

Move on.. I can't see any good coming out of this..

 

Also.. Never show your heart to a woman unless she's your wife. Before I meet my ex.. I knew another lady and she was amazing and sweet. We got on well and she used to tell me how her ex was abusive etc.. I wanted her to know I was different and write get a letter about how I felt... I basically took a chance and show her myself..

 

2 weeks later, I got Friendzoned, even after she told me I was the nicest guy she's ever know and all the things I've done for her were the nicest things she never thought she deserved.. And before that letter, she told me she'll really like to get to know me better..

 

But cause I open my heart to her.. welcome to Friendzoned ville .

 

It was so funny if it wasn't so sad.. But you move on and learn.

[TheElephant]

Thanks for your reply and whilst you do make some good points, I think you're being slightly cynical in your viewpoint of women.

 

I think I would be the "man of the house" but my relationship with him would never be particularly close, though we did get on better when his mum wasn't there. Unless something major changed, it'd never be the closest relationship after he left home and if his mum were to pass before me, I doubt we'd stay close, as we are at the moment.

 

I disagree about opening your heart to anyone but your wife, if you don't open yourself up sometimes then it could be a tough existence.

 

In any case, she replied. I asked her not to but she did, twice. First time saying she'd just started seeing someone more local and wanted to see how it went and the second time a week later saying it was going well and that I should move on. My friends seem to think she's hurting, especially with the local comment and the fact it was seven months and i never asked her before but I've tried and have to take her at face value.

[IReallyLovePuppies]

Thanks for your reply and whilst you do make some good points, I think you're being slightly cynical in your viewpoint of women.

 

I think I would be the "man of the house" but my relationship with him would never be particularly close, though we did get on better when his mum wasn't there. Unless something major changed, it'd never be the closest relationship after he left home and if his mum were to pass before me, I doubt we'd stay close, as we are at the moment.

 

I disagree about opening your heart to anyone but your wife, if you don't open yourself up sometimes then it could be a tough existence.

 

In any case, she replied. I asked her not to but she did, twice. First time saying she'd just started seeing someone more local and wanted to see how it went and the second time a week later saying it was going well and that I should move on. My friends seem to think she's hurting, especially with the local comment and the fact it was seven months and i never asked her before but I've tried and have to take her at face value.

 

You need to stop making excuses to support your dream.. everything that's I've written to you have happened and yet you are trying to justify your action by disputing it.

 

Everything is a learning process.. You need to look back on what had happened and learn from this instead of holding onto utopic fantasy and going into your next relationship unchanged..

 

Anyway..I do wish you the best. Be strong and she is right.. Move on. You have one life.. Be happy.

[HumanMachine]

Thanks for your reply and whilst you do make some good points, I think you're being slightly cynical in your viewpoint of women.

 

I think I would be the "man of the house" but my relationship with him would never be particularly close, though we did get on better when his mum wasn't there. Unless something major changed, it'd never be the closest relationship after he left home and if his mum were to pass before me, I doubt we'd stay close, as we are at the moment.

 

I disagree about opening your heart to anyone but your wife, if you don't open yourself up sometimes then it could be a tough existence.

 

In any case, she replied. I asked her not to but she did, twice. First time saying she'd just started seeing someone more local and wanted to see how it went and the second time a week later saying it was going well and that I should move on. My friends seem to think she's hurting, especially with the local comment and the fact it was seven months and i never asked her before but I've tried and have to take her at face value.

 

You’re living in a fantasy. This is a mid 40’s single mum has been living in the sticks (presumption ), you’re mid 30’s living in the greatest city in the world, prime of your life. Focus on finding someone who is on the same page as you.

[TheElephant]

You’re living in a fantasy. This is a mid 40’s single mum has been living in the sticks (presumption ), you’re mid 30’s living in the greatest city in the world, prime of your life. Focus on finding someone who is on the same page as you.

 

Brutally blunt but realistic. Thank you.

 

I'm 38 now so late 30s but still, plenty of time ahead.

 

Still, it's funny what the heart wants and in time it will heal.