Dumped out of Nowhere

[lax16]

I met A in the October of 2016, she was my roommates/best friends girl friends younger sister (she’s turning 24 in 3 weeks, I’m 28) (they also live together). The very first time we met, I felt something. We spoke to only each other for an hour or more. When my friend left to go home with his gf and A, I told him to hook it up but he said that she had a serious boyfriend (I believe it was a 3 year relationship). For the next few months, basically any time my friend (we’ll call him B) went to their apt, I would half jokingly say, tell A I say hi. Just to be clear, I was going out doing my thing, dating and sleeping with girls this whole time, not really thinking about A but she’d pop into my mind here and there.

 

Me and A may have seen each other once or twice between then and March, again total connection, and then she broke up with her bf. In early April, we’re out for Bs birthday, this is the first time we’re out together really since we met. We sleep with each other that night for the first time. When I wake up though, I get a feeling over me that this is too sticky of a situation due to her living and being sisters with B’s gf. I text her to be a good guy for a day and then that was it. Over the summer I see her a handful of times, sometimes she stops by with Bs gf, went to dinner the 4 of us a couple of times. That chemistry still there every time, but I’m not doing anything about it. Sort of thinking about her from time to time but accepted the situation.

 

August comes around and I find out that she’s hooking up with an old friend from college. For some reason I’m definitely not thrilled about it. It’s casual though for about 3 weeks between them. A group of us go out for a big dinner one night, A and I see each other for the first time in a while. We all have a great night drinking and eating, go to a club. A and I wind up sleeping together again. Both voice that there’s totally something between us and that it sucks that we can’t really do anything about it. We’re texting a few days afterwards and eventually I ask her to get drinks and she agrees. Before this happens B and his gf break up so I tell A that we can’t go out or speak anymore because of all of this but we’ll see what happens. She ends up telling that other kid to F off and goes to Peru for a 10 day trip.

 

About a month later, B and his gf are back together. I’ve been thinking about A and hoping that they’d get back together so I could hang out with her and see what happens (still dating and sleeping with other girls). I wait a few weeks till they’re relationship is back in good order and propose to B that the 4 of us go to dinner. She says she wish she could but she already had plans. I end up texting her, she says she wants to see me, we wind up meeting up at my apt (she’s with a friend), the three of us + B and his gf all hang and drink and have a great time. When they leave, A and I agree to get drinks the following Tuesday. Tuesday comes, I text her to confirm plans and she doesn’t respond. It turns out she had sort of been seeing some guy she met in Nantucket (long distance) for about a month. I’m annoyed about it but couldn’t do anything about it. Apparently the kid is a total doofus, comes to NY twice to visit over the next month, after Halloween she ends things with him.

 

She’s out with my friends at an engagement party November 4th and texts me late at night saying she only went because she thought that I would be there. She asks me if I’m going to this party that my friend is throwing and the stage was set for us to see each other. We went to the party together (she had a friend from out of town with her), we have a great time, make out, I actually wound up getting punched in the face out of nowhere by my old “friend” from college that clearly wasn’t over her. We all go back to my apt, hang out, we spend some time talking and making out in my room but she has to go. We setup plans for the coming Tuesday. As you can see there’s history between us before this point.

 

We start dating from that date on, exclusively, although it was not spoken about at all, neither of us hung out with anybody else. We go on a bunch of awesome 1 on 1 dates (not just dinner or drinks, really fun dates), a bunch of group dates, a few times stay in and order dinner, watch a movie. Initially we would see each other twice a week, occasionally 3 times a week, during the week and on weekends, having sleepovers every time. There are a few times that she wants to hang but I said no so it wasn’t too much. We’re texting each other on equal ground (she initiates as much, maybe more than I do) throughout the day although nothing excessive that it’s annoying. The sex is amazing, I make her cum multiple times every time, she says how it’s the best sex she’s ever had and always saying things like I can’t believe how many times you made me cum. In bed she would say things like I’m all yours, you got me, I don’t know the last time I was this happy, I can’t stop thinking about you, things like that. We exchange small Christmas gifts. Then she went away for 10 days in December for the holidays. She’s texting me the whole time. Saying things like I can’t stop thinking about you, can’t get you out of my head, wish you were here, can’t wait to get home to see you, told her family about me. She gets back from vacation, everything is still great. She’s going away again on this fantasy mega yacht trip 2 weeks later, so we hang out probably 3-4 times each of the next two weeks. At this point, the pet name babe has made it’s way into our conversations but not much. I’m super into her at this point. This is the first girl I’ve dated in 6 or 7 years. She tells me she’s not going to **** me over and she’s all mine and I begin to think that she’s going to want to be my girlfriend soon and I’m perfectly happy with that.

 

She goes away on this crazy trip and this time texting is hard because she doesn’t have much service, but she continually checks in with me, lets me know what they’re doing, letting me know if she’ll have service or not, always saying good morning and goodnight. Sends me sort of a crappy happy birthday text, but she’s on a trip of a lifetime, I don’t think anything of it. I get a couple of wish you were here’s, although not as much as the first trip. The day she’s leaving she says she’s excited to see me but other than that she’s sad to be coming home. I’m very excited for her to be back and legitimately missed her. She lets me know as soon as she lands and asks me to come over when I get out of work. I go there, she lights up and can’t stop kissing me. We lay in her bed and talk about her trip, have a quickie, go hang out with B and his gf and eat some dinner. Get back in bed, start a Netflix series together, more sex, everything is great. We text throughout the week normally, I let her know I want to hang out with her most of the weekend, she says she’s supposed to hang with a friend but we’ll figure it out. She invites me to meet her out with her friends Thursday night but I was leaving for vacation Tuesday and figured we’d be hanging out all weekend so didn’t want to hang out an additional night. We had plans to go out for dinner Friday but she was complaining about how tired she was all day Friday so I asked if she’d rather order in and chill which is what we did. I went to her apartment, again can’t stop kissing me when I get there. We get dinner, we start talking about our families and our childhoods and things like that (this only came up because she previously asked me to tell her a secret about myself so figured she wanted to get to know more about me on a deeper level), we have a bunch of great sex, watch the rest of our show. Hang out all next morning, get breakfast delivered, some morning sex, eventually she has to go to work and we had plans to go out for dinner that night. I go out to brunch with my buddies, she goes to brunch with her friend and sister after work. I text her to see if she’s cool eating Italian again because that’s what we had ordered in and she hits me with the following…

 

“I’m sorry, I gotta say something. I have something I’d like to bring up that’s been on my mind the last couple of days. I really value the time we spend together and have so much fun with you but it’s becoming a little more serious than what I want at this time in my life. You’re amazing but I’m not looking for anything serious right now. I just want to put it all out there before any of our feelings get more hurt. I know this might catch you a little off guard but I just want to be open and honest with you. I feel really bad… I really enjoy hanging out with you and what’s happening I just feel like it’s all happening so fast.”

 

At this point I’m under the impression this is completely over. I responded, “I’ve never been more blindsided. I wish you would have said something this morning rather than sending me a text out of nowhere. I think we should at the least talk in person.” Her sister than spoke to me and said to me that A was just freaking out and didn’t want to end things and that we should speak about slowing things down. Unfortunately I was drunk at this point and hurt and confused and overreacting thinking it was totally over and said I don’t know how you can back pedal in something like this. A texts me saying, “I didn’t mean to blindside you that was not my intention I just had to get that out and I didn’t know how. I don’t want to cut things off completely but I just freaked out a little. Things are just moving really fast.” A and I agree to speak the next day in the afternoon. I wake up to see on her friends snapchat that she went out that night with her till late and I got pissed.

 

I went over to her place pissed, hurt, confused, angry, extremely cold. Didn’t even look at her when I walked in. We sat down and didn’t have much of a conversation. I spoke in a pretty accusatory tone, asking when this started if it was on vacation and she said no it was a couple of days ago. I asked if she didn’t want a relationship why she would start dating me or did she think we would just hook up a few times and be done, and the way it ended was I asked are you just scared and freaking out because you’re really into me or do you not want this and her response was I’m sorry I’m just not ready for all of this. I said I guess there’s nothing left to talk about, stood up, put my jacket on and left without looking at her. She immediately texted me saying “I feel terrible. I care about you and I didn’t mean for this to happen. I really don’t know what else to say. I’m sorry I’m just not ready for all of this.”

 

After a few hours of brooding over this and asking probably the wrong people what to do or say I sent a rather emotional text, “I know I was really cold earlier today. I’m just so confused by what’s happened. One minute you’re excited to see me on Tuesday and by Saturday afternoon you’re done with me… I’d like to say what’s on my mind. I think getting back from this crazy trip 5 days ago is messing with your head a little bit (she had been talking to me about getting her yacht crew license and how she wanted to travel in Asia and a few places later in the year) and now you’re throwing this away when you’re not really thinking like yourself. Not that the way you feel isn’t legitimate. I wish you would have taken some time to think about this before what feels like acting impulsively especially with me going away in a couple of days. Things just got intense because of these times crunches due to all these vacations and this is only happening because of these unique circumstances. Everything easily could have fallen back into place when I get back. I think the circumstances encouraged you to jump to this conclusion but more than anything I think you’re scared. I hadn’t opened up to anybody in I don’t know how long but as much as I wanted to fight it, there was something palpable between us. Spending time with you, hearing you tell me how I’m all you think about, how happy you are with me, feeling this connection grow, it scared me too. I’m not sure I’m ready either and have kept my guard up but at the same time I felt like this was real and if there were ever a time to take a chance and put myself out there it was for this. I’ve been scared but I felt like we were on the same page and in it together. I don’t know how you could look at me the way you did Friday and Saturday and throw this away so quickly and want me out of your life. Do you want to slow things down? We could talk about that and figure out what that would look like and what that would mean. I want you to know I really wasn’t trying to rush this, I wasn’t ready to make this official, I was going with the flow and enjoying what we were doing. I just wanted to hang out, have fun and get to know you more. I’m really going to miss everything about you.”

 

She replied, “I don’t want you out of my life. The trips have made things a little different but either way it felt like things changed all of a sudden and it was intense. You’re right, I am scared. We have a great time together and clearly have a connection. I’m just not ready to be in a serious relationship right now and you and I both know that was the direction this was heading. I don’t know what I want, I’m learning a lot about myself and who I want to be. We’re in different places in our lives and I just don’t want to fall in love. I know I sound crazy but I’m just not ready for all of this. I’m really sorry and it kills me to know that I hurt you. Maybe we can just have this week to sit on all of this and breathe. I don’t want you out of my life but I feel like there’s no in between with you.” I sent another text based on my 23 year old sisters advice to let her know she’s not alone in freaking out saying, “You’re not alone in being scared and I’m still figuring out my life also even though I’m older, what I want to do and who I want to be. I think me going away will be good for both of us. It will give things a chance to cool down and give us some space and time to think. We can talk when I get back. Night.”

 

I go away Tuesday – Saturday night. No contact at all but I see she’s viewing all of my snapstories I’m posting of my awesome trip. I was supposed to be her +1 to this huge birthday party her friend was having Saturday night. She had previously begged me to come somehow even though I was landing late and I told her that I would be there. Due to the circumstances that didn’t seem like it was in the cards anymore. Apparently she gets blacked out and ends up sleeping with her ex boyfriend (whom she was still friends with since neither of them are from NY but had said he was nothing to worry about that they hadn’t even had sex in the last 3 months of their relationship and he was onto his 2nd gf at the time). I was completely destroyed when I figured all of this out. B wound up seeing her Sunday night and told her that I knew what happened.

 

She texted me late that night, “Hey, hope you had a fun trip. I just want to say I’m sorry about everything that’s happened. I know it sucks. This weekend was stupid I’m clearly not handling things the way I should be. I never meant to hurt you and I feel sad inside. I just want you to know that I care about you. I’m sorry I backed out I just can’t give you what you want right now. Things are very fresh still and soaking in. You don’t have to respond if you don’t want to but just know I’m sorry. Night night.”

 

I’ve been no contact since and completely heartbroken to be honest. One minute everything couldn’t be better and I’m thinking this girl is falling in love with me (absolutely no signs of pulling back) and the next this girl is breaking things off with me. Getting serious wasn’t even a thought that had crossed my mind. I keep thinking that had I gone over there like the adult that I’m supposed to be and told her to relax, we can slow things down and take it day by day, everything would have turned out differently. I think she freaked out and in her freak out came to this “I’m not ready for a relationship” conclusion (she’s had bfs her whole life, so she’s no slut) and not I don’t want a relationship, now I’m in one and I’m freaking out.

 

Should I try speaking to her and talking about slowing things down or is it too broken at this point? And I don’t mean beg to have her back, speak to her in person and tell her that’s what I want and if she doesn’t, then act like a man about it and move on. Do I do the whole no contact for 30 days and then try to reconnect? (her birthday is the first week of March, do I text her something like “Hey just wanted to wish you Happy Birthday – hope you have fun celebrating”?) What should I have done differently? Do you think slowing it down was ever an option? What do you think happened that sparked all of this? Feeling really lost without answers…

[YNWA]

I’m going through such a similar situation...I’m 30 she is 23, she got out of an 8 month relationship that was emotionally draining and was a rebound from a heart breaking 4 year relationship that ended a year ago, so she had dove right into the rebound. She’s basically been in a relationship since she was 17. So 5 months ago she got out of the bad relationship of 8 months and meets me...

 

Our connection was amazing, so much in common, talking all night, she spends 2 days during a blizzard at my apartment getting to know each other, sex was great, make dinners together, met my brother and his gf...we started going on hikes and holding hands, almost met her parents but I wasn’t ready for a sudden meeting when there was a chance....now during that blizzard she told me about her past relationships and it was a bit of a yellow flag...she even said she was over the last guy...but I remember her saying “I think so” when I asked if she was over the long term guy....so I asked her a couple times over the next few weeks if she needs to go out and be single and date/unwind from all that time being tied down and emotionally drained...first time she said she was okay and wanted to try not seeing other people as we got to know each other slowly...

 

Second time I asked a week or two later she seemed to need to think about it and maybe I was right...couple more weeks pass by and we’re acting more like a couple than ever and things are amazing and she’s texting me she wishes she could see me and that she’s gonna miss me when she leaves for a trip for the weekend...the next day boom....phone call, she says she thinks she needs to date around and just isn’t ready for another relationship...

 

I understood and figured it’s probably for the best but it caught me so off guard with everything that had been going on and how good things were...and I hadn’t realized how attached I had become because same as you, this was my first amazing connection and “almost” relationship I’ve had in over 8 years due to a crazy work life...

 

So the next day she texts me saying she’s enjoyed the time so much but just isn’t emotionally ready for a relationship and doesn’t know where that leaves us and understands if I don’t want to see her or talk to her again...

 

Instead of getting mad and pouring my heart out trying to explain to her what we have is so good...I said I’m happy for you and this is what you need, to enjoy yourself, thanks for everything, but we should take some time and space to unwind, date others and such...left with a little inside joke..

 

She text back saying thanks for understand, I’m so bad with timing, and she agreed with taking time apart....

 

We’ve now been no contact for 13 days...it was so hard...but I’m so much better now it was like getting over a drug...I still think about it all the time but I’m doing way better...

 

I think you need to maybe take time and space away from her to let your feelings and heart leave the situation until you brain can make a proper decision on what you need or want to do...and that’s not gonna happen if you keep contact with her your heart will stay in it and want more of the drug (her). You seem like a good guy so if this is what she wants, then so be it. Be confident and know she’s the one missing out and let her go do what she needs to do...

 

If they come back to us down the road then so be it...until then we focus on ourselves pull ourselves together and move on...don’t hold onto that hope, the next girl you meet could blow you away even more.

[Yosemite]

She's told you what the issue is, she's 23 and doesn't want a serious relationship right now. She's thinking about becoming a yacht crew member? I guess that means she wants to travel and live in exotic locales for the next few years. She probably wants to be free to do whatever she wants when she's a crewmember and not be tied down to a boyfriend in another country. Even if that isn't her plan, she still feels too young/not ready to get into a serious relationship right now.

 

The break up is unexpected for you and that sucks, but I don't think there's too much you can do about it. I wouldn't hang on to hope of getting her back and the more you try to have one last talk/text/email etc. to try to change her mind, the more she'll move away from you emotionally and resent your actions.

 

Who knows what life has in store, maybe 3 or 4 years from now when she's ready to settle down, you two will reconnect...or maybe not.

 

I know that you believe that she is just as emotionally invested as you are, but I think that she didn't take you as seriously/didn't let her heart get involved as much after you had sex the first time and then basically dropped her. She probably held back/protected her heart from that point on. I'm not saying that she never had feelings for you, but that they weren't as deep as they would have been otherwise because you two were kind of hook up buddies for quite a while and even when you were exclusive you guys never actually discussed being an official couple.

 

Anyway, good luck and maybe aim for women 25-ish so that you don't have to go through this again. Think of yourself when you were 23, did you want a serious relationship that was headed towards marriage at that time in your life? She probably doesn't want that either at this point in her life and will be ready for that when she's in her late 20's.

[springy]

She wants to be a free spirit. You will not talk her back into the relationship. Sorry. There was nothing you could’ve done differently & the break up was not your fault. She is enjoying being single. Take her reason at face value - her behavior backs it up.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, you need to stop telling her why she's doing this or acting this way. It's not your place to make assumptions about what she feels or why this is a mistake.

 

I know you are hurting, but this girl is not into you the way you are into her. Dating casually was fine but I don't get the impression she was ever really looking for something more involved with you. She is trying to be honest but keeps repeating herself because you're not yet ready to accept that she doesn't want to date you seriously. She is young and wants to be free. You can't change that.

 

I would let her go unless you want to wind up even more hurt. She doesn't have the same feelings for you.

[lax16]

I never said anything about talking her back into the relationship, I'd simply give her the option to talk about slowing things down because that would work for me (depending on what that would mean) and if not, then no further discussion. No pining or begging or trying to convince, no emotionally charged dialogue.

 

What could have possibly made her go from acting like my girlfriend and seemingly falling for me, to her needing to end this? I mean i was with her the morning before she texted me that, the way she acted with me and looked at me is the way a girl acts when they're totally into you...

 

Besides what to do, anything I could have done differently not only in the break up but the relationship? Things definitely did get intense very quickly as we had all that history, and the vacations created these time crunches in which we hung out more than usual.

 

Hearing her say all those things to me lead me on to believe she was completely falling for me and wanted to be in a relationship with me. As she would say things like that, I would let my guard down more and more. Maybe this lead to me becoming too attached?

 

What do i do about this birthday situation? Its outside of this 30 day no contact rule I've read about and she's still going to be in my life at least a little because of B and his gf. Also sort of want her to be reminded of me if I'm being honest...

 

Due to her being my best friends gf's sister, I am inevitably going to have to see her on occasion. How do I handle those?

 

Make like nothing ever happened and just be the way I always was around her before we dated (awesome, fun, flirty, etc)? Just exchange pleasantries and move on to talking to anybody I can find?

Edited February 14, 2018 by lax16

[ExpatInItaly]

Perhaps you’re not the only guy she’s been seeing, OP.

[Xkspikex]

The only thing you have to do right now is let her go. I know that seems really hard right now and you don't want to do that, but you must. Think about it, how you guys met, how you guys have been hooking up, and the time you spend together. Was it really real or was it all just for fun. Girls feelings change very easily, they are emotional creatures. One day she will be crazy about you and the next she will not. You brought up the relationship status and shes been avoiding that, that means she did not want one with you in the beginning. Right now, shes playing her games, just to keep you around because why not? Girls love attention. You don't want to be around a girl that keeps you on the "SIDE" while she does whatever she wants, its going to hurt even more. When you do no contact, don't contact her at all, let her come to you because shes the one that broke it off with you. Have more respect for yourself. Forget her birthday. If you think you will see her often, do your best to avoid her to heal before it gets worst. Go do something else productive. I feel your paint, I just got heartbroken by a girl that I was having fun with and is now dating my "friend". Its going to suck but everything will be OK! Good Luck

[lax16]

The only thing you have to do right now is let her go. I know that seems really hard right now and you don't want to do that, but you must. Think about it, how you guys met, how you guys have been hooking up, and the time you spend together. Was it really real or was it all just for fun. Girls feelings change very easily, they are emotional creatures. One day she will be crazy about you and the next she will not. You brought up the relationship status and shes been avoiding that, that means she did not want one with you in the beginning. Right now, shes playing her games, just to keep you around because why not? Girls love attention. You don't want to be around a girl that keeps you on the "SIDE" while she does whatever she wants, its going to hurt even more. When you do no contact, don't contact her at all, let her come to you because shes the one that broke it off with you. Have more respect for yourself. Forget her birthday. If you think you will see her often, do your best to avoid her to heal before it gets worst. Go do something else productive. I feel your paint, I just got heartbroken by a girl that I was having fun with and is now dating my "friend". Its going to suck but everything will be OK! Good Luck

She definitely wasn’t seeing anybody else because we were spending a lot of time together and if she were somehow, B would have known and told me.

 

I also never brought up our relationship status at all. It wasn’t even a thing on my mind as important to me because I was just enjoying what was happening and figured if she needed that conversation to happen, she’d bring it up.

 

I feel like besides acting like an ******* in person, my text message after that was poorly played. When she was saying and her sister was saying she’s freaking out things are moving too fast, instead of texting her something like “Listen, we’re having fun, this doesn’t need to be serious right now, let’s talk about pumping the breaks”, I sent her a text that conveyed that I don’t want to lose her probably only pushing her away more?

Edited February 14, 2018 by lax16

[ExpatInItaly]

When she was saying and her sister was saying she’s freaking out things are moving too fast, instead of texting her something like “Listen, we’re having fun, this doesn’t need to be serious right now, let’s talk about pumping the breaks”, I sent her a text that conveyed that I don’t want to lose her probably only pushing her away more?

 

While it didn't likely didn't help make things easier, she'd already made her decision to end this.

 

What you texted her after the fact doesn't change the bottom line that she didn't want to pursue this further. Don't beat yourself up about it.

[CantTakeMySmile]

My suggestion would be to worry about her birthday when that time gets here. If she is sleeping with other men, it may be a moot point by then... so why try to figure it out weeks in advance?

 

Plus, I don’t think a happy birthday text will change her feelings either way.

[lax16]

My suggestion would be to worry about her birthday when that time gets here. If she is sleeping with other men, it may be a moot point by then... so why try to figure it out weeks in advance?

 

Plus, I don’t think a happy birthday text will change her feelings either way.

 

Not necessarily about changing the way she feels right now.

 

Honestly I'd do it just to stick it to her a bit. Potentially put myself back on her mind a bit

[ExpatInItaly]

Not necessarily about changing the way she feels right now.

 

Honestly I'd do it just to stick it to her a bit. Potentially put myself back on her mind a bit

 

When you reach that low, you're going after the wrong person. It won't work the way you want it to.

[lax16]

When you reach that low, you're going after the wrong person. It won't work the way you want it to.

 

I guess I didn't really mean that. It would really be more about putting myself back in her head. Drum up some of the memories.

[CantTakeMySmile]

I guess I didn't really mean that. It would really be more about putting myself back in her head. Drum up some of the memories.

 

 

 

If you meant that much to her, you will remain in her head to some extent. Why plan something as writing a few words in a text now, when it is weeks away?

[lax16]

If you meant that much to her, you will remain in her head to some extent. Why plan something as writing a few words in a text now, when it is weeks away?

 

I don’t know, I’m the type of person that likes to have a plan.

 

I just don’t want her to forget about me...

[Marc878]

She's young and doesn't want tied down. She's told you and shown you.

 

Not believing her will be your mistake.

 

Move on she's not irreplaceable.

[CantTakeMySmile]

I don’t know, I’m the type of person that likes to have a plan.

 

I just don’t want her to forget about me...

 

 

 

 

But, what is the plan? You MAY write her a text down the road??

 

 

You should should about now, not plan around a text you may or may not write.

[ExpatInItaly]

I don’t know, I’m the type of person that likes to have a plan.

 

I just don’t want her to forget about me...

 

A plan for what? You can't plan and strategize when another person doesn't want what you want, OP.

 

Plan your course of action to move past her instead. It will be far more beneficial. She won't forget about you, but that doesn't mean she'll want to reconcile either.