My girlfriend broke up with me but still calls me and wants to hang out

[nsteinard]

So my girlfriend and I just broke up. We were dating for close to 5 months. Everything was great. We were very much in love, talking about our future plans and even planning on moving in together. The last month has been a little Rocky. We have been fighting alot and having a hard time communicating with each other. She told me she doesn't know what to do but she thinks we aren't right for each other and broke up with me. She still calls me and texts me all day long like nothing happened. She even wants me to come over her place tomorrow night and sleep over. We still talk about sex with each other and we still tell each other that we love each other. I don't know what to do because I just want to be with her. When I tell her I'm confused she tells me it will be ok she just needs some time to make sure being with me is the right decision. She doesn't want to get back with me right away, only to want to break up later down the road. I treat her like gold. She told me no one has ever treated her the way I do, so I know it isn't that. How do I proceed with this? So I just keep going along with it, pretending like it's whatever that we broke up, with hopes that she will come around? Thank you

[Marc878]

She wants a break you should give it to her.

 

Cut off the contact.

 

She will start dating if she hasn't already. Do you really want to be around that?

[nsteinard]

She told me she isn't planning on dating anyone and that if we do actually break up that she is going to be single for a while. I just feel like if she really wanted a break or to really break up then she wouldn't be calling me all the time still wanting me to come over. I don't know. I just feel like she is just getting scared that things are getting serious so fast and she is afraid of us breaking up a year from now and it hurting more. She has had her heart broken before, not too long ago either, so she has her walls up. I'm open to all advice

Edited February 15, 2019 by nsteinard

[elucidate878]

She wants a break you should give it to her.

 

Cut off the contact.

 

She will start dating if she hasn't already. Do you really want to be around that?

 

I agree with this. You don't know what she will do. Best to go no contact so she can experience what life is like without you because as things are now she still has you in her life without having to deal with whatever negatives she perceived about you or the relationship. No contact will also allow you to move on if she doesn't comeback. She's basically just breadcrumbing you (look it up) to keep you in her life for whatever reason.

[Marc878]

She told me she isn't planning on dating anyone and that if we do actually break up that she is going to be single for a while. I just feel like if she really wanted a break or to really break up then she wouldn't be calling me all the time still wanting me to come over. I don't know. I just feel like she is just getting scared that things are getting serious so fast and she is afraid of us breaking up a year from now and it hurting more. She has had her heart broken before, not too long ago either, so she has her walls up. I'm open to all advice

 

Typical breadcrumbs and this always happens. She dumps you but maintains contact to see if you're still on the hook.

 

You are just projecting your feelings onto her. I love her so she must love me thing? Uh, she dumped you so she's not feeling what you are.

 

She's not gonna tell you she's gonna date others. Why do you think she dumped you?

[Redhead14]

To be honest with you, I think you should end it right now yourself. Why do you want a woman who is wishy washy about you? That can't feel good. But if you can't do that, at least, draw a line in the sand and stand up for yourself.

 

You tell her that you do not appreciate the way you are being treated while she is deciding on her own what will happen with YOUR life. You tell her that you want no contact for a period of 2 weeks to think about the issues with no pressure and influence, at which time, you will meet at Xplace and Xtime on Xday to mutually discuss the problems and/or decide to end the relationship. And you stick to it.

 

It must be extremely hurtful to you for her to throw out the "break up" and then keep in touch on a regular basis all the while you are walking on eggshells waiting for her to finally end it or not!!! That's bulls*t to a spectacular degree and unfair to you. She wants space, give it to her and make her deal with it. I think she's playing games with you. Take your game pieces off the board. I'm pissed off for you.

[Highndry]

Without knowing the specifics of how the breakup happened, it's hard to understand the dynamics and what's the best course of action. In my opinion, you've got a couple options here. Yours is a unique situation in that she is obviously still attracted to you and wants to sleep with you. That is more than breadcrumbs. 5 months is not a long time, and to be fighting badly at that juncture is a very bad sign which does not portend well for a lasting relationship, and it does not surprise me she broke up with you. Consider that a shot across the bow - you're skating on thin ice.

 

It's time for some soul-searching. What are you doing that is causing these fights? Whatever your part in it is, you need to fix that. It takes two, buddy. You're doing something wrong, even if it's just engaging her when she starts ranting or whatever. If you truly feel like you've been as good as you can be, and she's just a nutcase, well, it's time to cut the cord.

 

If you can identify behaviors of yours which are contributing to these communication breakdowns/fights, figure it out and don't do that anymore. While fixing this and continuing to see her/sleep with her, she will be forced to not only see your efforts but to introspectively identify her own shortcomings. If she's unwilling/unable to figure out her own shiznit, dump her.

 

If it were me, and I was in love with her, I would dial back my communication via text, etc., but I would be willing to see her in person and still sleep with her. I would not engage in any fights or arguing, and if she started that I would be gone like the wind. At the same time, I would be "keeping my options open" as it's likely she is, too.

[nsteinard]

Aren't fights have been over trivial stuff. She gets mad because she will ask me what's wrong and I tell her nothing that everything is fine, when it isn't. And then when I leave I will text her what is bothering me and she doesn't like that, but I get nervous talking face to face about problems. So our communication could be alot better. She tells me sometimes she feels like I'm emotionally withdrawn. That I don't show emotions. Other then that I treat her like a Queen. I do everything for her up to driving 40 minutes each way everyday just to walk her dog for her while she is at work. I don't yell at her or abuse her at all. She told me I am a great boyfriend so it's not that. It is hard right now because her signals are telling me that she isn't over me and is still in love with me and very much attracted to me. And because I am how I am it is tough for me to just walk away, even though it may be the best decision right now. I'm going over to her place tonight because she wants me to come over so I will post how that goes. I appreciate everyone's input

Edited February 15, 2019 by nsteinard

[Marc878]

Aren't fights have been over trivial stuff. She gets mad because she will ask me what's wrong and I tell her nothing that everything is fine, when it isn't. And then when I leave I will text her what is bothering me and she doesn't like that, but I get nervous talking face to face about problems. So our communication could be alot better. She tells me sometimes she feels like I'm emotionally withdrawn. That I don't show emotions. Other then that I treat her like a Queen. I do everything for her up to driving 40 minutes each way everyday just to walk her dog for her while she is at work. I don't yell at her or abuse her at all. She told me I am a great boyfriend so it's not that. It is hard right now because her signals are telling me that she isn't over me and is still in love with me and very much attracted to me. And because I am how I am it is tough for me to just walk away, even though it may be the best decision right now. I'm going over to her place tonight because she wants me to come over so I will post how that goes. I appreciate everyone's input

 

You have a conflict avoidant problem and are using a passive aggressive approach to communicate.

 

It's immature and will not work out well with anyone long term.

 

You don't fix that it will probably sabotage any relationship.

[d0nnivain]

First of all you need to learn to communicate. I wouldn't tolerate you lying to me then texting me whatever is wrong that you wouldn't tell me face to face. Mature adults resolve problems together, not this passive aggressive approach you seem to prefer.

 

 

If you want to be with her & this not together in name but hanging out like nothing is wrong thing bothers you address with her in person. She wants you to stand up for yourself. That is the crux of her issue: your failure to communicate. Here's the perfect opportunity to show that you are changing

[nsteinard]

You're right

[d0nnivain]

So talk to her.

[nsteinard]

You're right. You guys have all been givijg me solid advice and I greatly appreciate it!

[nsteinard]

How do I go about talking to her tonight though? I want things to go smooth tonight with her. Also I get extremely nervous when it comes to talking. Should I wait till after we have sex to talk?

[lovesflame]

QUOTE=nsteinard;7738218]How do I go about talking to her tonight though? I want things to go smooth tonight with her. Also I get extremely nervous when it comes to talking. Should I wait till after we have sex to talk?

 

High n dry above gave you great advice. Dude my ex did basically the same exact thing to me exactly. But did noy actually come over for sex. Try to see her irl and talk but u have to openly communicate with honesty empathy and listening. If you can't do that the relationship is not going to last.

 

But listen this is looking not grear for u. Literally one week after my ex said the exact things yours said and sent naked pics she told me she was ****ing her other ex. Do u want that?

I could handle it but like the guy above said that's what ppl do when they're single

 

Then I sent long letters etc.

 

Eventually we arw friends now but really this is not what you want. A confused person who doesn't put you first. If you want to be friends with her go ahead but someone in her mindstate is so confused and perplexed you are likely to feel anxiety and discontent.

 

How okd are y'all?

 

Just please heed my advice. Take it slow and truly evaluate the whole situation then have an open conversation with her and go from there.

 

Good luck. I truly feel your pain.

[d0nnivain]

How do I go about talking to her tonight though? I want things to go smooth tonight with her. Also I get extremely nervous when it comes to talking. Should I wait till after we have sex to talk?

 

No. That is you continuing on this bad pattern

 

 

Show up with flowers, maybe a bottle of wine to soothe your nerves. Explain that you two need to talk & you'd like to be more open with her. Tell her how much you like her & that you want things with her to work. Promise to talk not text when you are upset. Explain this is you trying but you can't keep going with this farce.

[nsteinard]

Ok so I am going to meet her at her place in a couple hours. What are my cards here? What should I talk to her about or should I just play it cool and say nothing about the break up and act like it's whatever? Someone help me out!

[Marc878]

She invited you over so let her lead. I would address your communication issue. This has been a problem. I have to work on it, etc.

 

You don't fix that it'll affect any relationship you may have.

[Highndry]

Ok so I am going to meet her at her place in a couple hours. What are my cards here? What should I talk to her about or should I just play it cool and say nothing about the break up and act like it's whatever? Someone help me out!

 

 

My suggestion is to not talk about ANYTHING serious unless she brings it up, and LISTEN more than talk if she does.

 

Be happy, warm, affectionate and nonchalant. I would just be the best version of you that you possibly can be. Let her know what she's missing out on, without actually saying it.

[SirPita]

3 weeks ago my ex wanted us to back off for a while, and after giving it a day’s worth of thought, I told her that wasn’t going to work. I wasn’t just going to be put on a shelf like that. Maybe you should consider that. If someone shows you the front door, do you turn around and knock or would you normally walk away? If she really loves you and needs you she wasn’t going to let you go in the first place. The best advice I ever got was, don’t find someone you can live with, instead find someone you can’t live without. And that feeling has to be mutual.

 

It’s possible she is confused and is making a mistake, so if you talk to her just try to be sure she sorts out her feelings, and don’t get strung along forever. I took the no contact route and after 3 weeks she hasn’t tried reaching out either, which speaks volumes.

[nsteinard]

So I went there last night. Everything was fine. We put on the TV and cuddled up next to each other and kissed each other. I gave her a back rub. We ended up falling asleep and then waking up around 3am and we had the craziest sex. We didn't talk about the relationship at all. I'm still confused though as to how to persieve this and how to proceed because now I'm here left with more questions then answers

[preraph]

Talk calmly to her. Let her know you want a real relationship, not a halfass one. Tell her you respect her needs and think if she needs to find out if she wants to be with you or not, there should be a clean break for an agreed upon amount of time, say a month. A separation. I mean, if nothing changed for her except she doesn't have to feel bad about dating other guys, how is that good for you? This way you can both date other people for a while. But she doesn't get to have you hold her hand while she does it, right? In the end, she probably is just going to wait until some guy comes along to monkey-branch from you to him. Otherwise, she wouldn't be wanting to keep the relationship going even though she's not satisfied with it.

[Highndry]

I don't think right now is a good time to talk about the relationship or where it's going. You just need to build a positive rapport with her where she feels happy, loved, safe, etc. Continue seeing her and being intimate until she realizes "hey, I don't want to lose this guy." Giving her some sort of ultimatum is going to be the final nail in the coffin.

[Marc878]

^^^^^^ yep. Put your changes into effect immediately and your actions will speak louder than anything you can say.

 

No needy/clingy behavior or pest texting/calling

[nsteinard]

Yeah you guys are right. I don't want to push her further away to the point where the line of communication is taken away. I just need to give her some space and not try to smoother her right now or force her hand because it's only going to make her think I don't respect her wishes.