Professionalzoned by a nice guy... Need to move on

[gskyo]

For more than a year, I've had the biggest crush on someone I used to work with (director of a different department).

 

CM, 16 years my senior, divorced for unknown (to me) reasons. He's notorious for being brutally honest and his harsh wit.

 

I found him very attractive from the start, but my crush for him only gradually developed later on after getting to know him. He's smart, funny, driven, thoughtful, modest and he's the type of nice guy who'd say hi to the cleaning lady on his way into an important meeting.

 

For months I thought it was one-sided and kept the crush a secret, I never believed in mixing work with pleasure. He was very nice to me, which I likened to how he would treat anyone else and brushed it off but then I realised that he actually took notice of things I said or have done.

 

He points out quirks about me that no one else seem to pick up on and was highly empathic when it came to my feelings. When I was nervous for big projects (which I dont make obvious), he'd show up with a story about how he was in similar positions in the past and assures me that everything will be alright no matter the outcome. When it turns out great, he's there to give me a knowing nod and a wink.

 

Needless to say, I was highly motivated to work around this guy. I looked forward to our banters and his teasing. He's not big on compliments, but he'd gladly praise me in public on my intelligence, my good work performance and once when we were both in the same room working, he shyly told me he thought I was very pretty. He was never disrespectful towards me in any way, in fact, we were both very professional in dealing with each other.

 

Close to end of my time at work, he started giving me presents, of things that he knew I liked. He paid attention to my interests and the gifts he picked were just... thoughtful.

 

He didn't know at the time that I was planning to leave to another country, and when he found out, he was the last to know. When it was confirmed, I didnt manage to tell him because he was assigned overseas at the time and I was waiting to tell him in person. He found out from someone else over text. I felt very bad.

 

That's when things changed, he became very formal with me. Though he was still caring enough to ask what my plans are but it felt like the conversations we had at this point had limits. He'd ask what he wanted to know but would not indulge in any non essential information. He also stopped appearing in my end of the office anymore which may have been due to increased assignments overseas.

 

I nearly confessed my feelings to him before leaving and he told me that there were some things that didn't have to be said. He also said that as a man, it was his obligation to treat women well. He didnt let me tell him but let on he knew the implications.

 

It was very frustrating at that point, I was packing up, doing my visa, resigning from work, saying goodbye to friends, family, workmates and having to deal with not telling him how I felt drove me to tears.

 

So I left for the new country for my studies, for 8 months, I've seen other guys (more that I've ever had in my entire life).

 

While trying to forget him, I've kept in contact with CM for professional-work related advice, but have kept it at bare minimum. Once a month from January to May. Again, very formal conversations. He'd almost always end with "keep in touch" and always says that he will be there for me if i need help by the end of our conversations. Then I stopped altogether.

 

He messaged me last month commenting on a picture I posted of myself. The first non work related conversation we have had.

 

Just yesterday, I asked him for something work related and added in what I've heard about him and the company recently. He's being promoted and sent to a sister company overseas. He only reverted with the work related matter and completely ignored the rest of my email and at the end, he says that I must take care of myself overseas. He wouldnt indulge me with his new job details.

 

My friends have told me to take it as a sign that he doesn't want to have anything else to do with me anymore. I cant seem to get it through my thick skull and accept that. Another friend told me to just accept that what we had is in the past, even if he really did care for me then, it will never come back anymore.

 

I wish he was harsher towards me. I wish he would just tell me I am annoying and that I should stop bothering him. I wish he would tell me that my crush has no place in his world. Where is that famed brutal honesty of his?! I dont want to push him towards being mean to me either. Especially since I plan to return to the same industry I left, I am so afraid of what this could do to my work reputation if people found out I've been trying to fraternize with a higher ranking colleague.

 

I want to be completely over him but I don't know how. Seeing other guys? I've tried that. Focus on school? I've tried that. See my friends more? I've tried that. Try on new things? I've tried that too. Convince myself that he's got someone new? Tried that.

 

The biggest crush I've ever had is also my biggest heartache.

[BooBoo1982]

Maybe it's the age, divorce, professionalism that is making him back off, to me it sounds like he is interested but also worried about outside factors, try limiting contact and see if he keeps in touch.

[gskyo]

I didnt talk to him during the month of June and by the end of July, he was the one that talked to me.

 

I dont intend to initiate conversations anymore. Any work related questions I have now, I'd rather work around him and ask someone else. These episodes of hot/cold treatments always leave me feeling so wounded and sad.

 

I want to stop feeling for him but I don't have reasons to hate him, which makes it so hard!

[NoMagicBullet]

Just curious -- did you ever apologize that he was the last to know? And tell him that you were waiting to tell him in person? Maybe that had something to do with it, maybe not.

 

Still, the fact that you were leaving for a different job in a different country... it sounds like he was getting attached to you and decided that the distance was too much of a barrier. I'm not sure if it's a trend, but I've noticed on multiple occasions than men seem more hesitant to take a chance on an LDR than women are.

 

He's reduced contact to a bare minimum to get over you, I think. He's not going to crush you or be mean, because it's unprofessional and unnecessary. He's handling it with a lot of dignity and grace.

 

Limited or no contact the only thing you can do. Keep his contact info for professional reasons, but stop contacting him if you don't have to. No contact -- and a lot of time -- is how you get over him.

[gskyo]

Yeah, during our last few REAL conversations, which was on the phone, he said he knew I was leaving and that he also knew he was the last to know. I did tell him it was because I wanted to tell him in person.

 

During the radio silence in June and July, I actually thought I might have actually moved on. When he made contact end of July, my resolve completely broke down.

 

It really hurts.

 

You may be on to something about LDR, because I've been told that his ex wife and him were working in different countries during the years surrounding his divorce.

 

Additionally, I just found out that he might not have wanted to indulge on the new job details because it's essentially a job death sentence. Friends told me the promotion is moving him to a dead sector and is basically set up to fail which means he may be having his own problems now.

 

Nonetheless, I threw his number out, deleted all our online messages (though his email address is still safe). I don't want to fall back in anymore. This isn't sustainable and the longer it drags on, the more likely I'm gonna get hurt repeatedly.

Edited August 3, 2012 by gskyo