My complicated life or the mess I made of things or mixed signal confusion.

[AnyaNova]

So I meet this guy on okcupid. He is really shy, introverted, and has a bad case of social anxiety. We matched really well, and discussed many topics. He wanted to take it slow. I remember thinking that he wasn't ever going to want to meet in person. We messaged for several weeks (starting in April) before we moved up to I'ming. We kept up with that for several more weeks until we talked on the phone. Finally we met for the first time on Memorial Day.

 

He didn't, for whatever reason, have his usual social anxiety around me. At one point he confided to feeling like he was much more able to be himself around me than he could around anyone else.

 

I had a let's just be friends speech prepared, but then got new evidence. So the next night I accepted his offer of a committed relationship. We were doing pretty well until he got mono. Several of the effects of the disease (since we didn't know he had it yet) he blamed on me. Instead of sticking around to find out, he ended up dumping me.

 

What I should have done. Gone No Contact immediately.

 

I would be so back on my feet now if I had.

 

What I did. Thought that the peculiar circumstances that allow me and my previous ex to be friends were much more common and normal than they were. So my newly minted ex and I kept messaging and kept in contact.

 

We planned to meet up about a month after the break up. However, I noticed that I was feeling worse and worse the closer in we got. So at this point, after some reading, I decided to institute a 60 day no contact. Then, four or five days into it, I did more reading about how being friends with exes usually works or doesn't. So I broke the NC to discuss with him whether we should be friends at all, so that I would know from the outset what I was dealing with. We decided that we probably shouldn't try to be, but that we would get together one more time before we went our separate ways forevermore.

 

But in between the two weeks, we were messaging and talking on the phone for hours, and from the things we were messaging and talking about and the length of time, everybody (save one) I talked to about it was convinced that we were about to get back together.

 

I thought we were going to get back together.

 

So we had a bunch of activities planned, and we did them. And then while cuddling I mentioned that this didn't feel to me like an ending. And it went downhill from there. All during the cuddling he kept fretfully pulling me closer, as if he couldn't get me close enough to suit him. There was lots of crying, and he would shake with muscles tensed every time the subject came too close to my leaving for good at the end of the evening. Due to some stuff that happened last semester, I was beginning to have reservations about losing another friend, but he was adamant that we would not see each other again.

 

On the way home I realized that I love(d?) him. I was pretty sure that he was not fully in agreement with us not being together, and highly suspected his parents had something to do with it, and were making it untenable for him to have me in his life, which I think is what he wanted. At least, I think. I'm putting those pieces together, and it is possible that I am seeing a pattern that doesn't truly exist. Perhaps he wanted to date a colleague, or take up parasailing. Who knows.

 

The mixed signals there have made this really difficult. I am working to try and let it go, but the fact that he displayed such clear and obvious emotional need for me while accepting my comfort (but ultimately, in the end, rejecting it as well) is kind of doing my head in.

 

I know women's brains light up the same for their babies and for their significant others. I know driving home I had a fierce desire to comfort, protect (especially his autonomy), and meet his needs.

 

This has alleviated now. Especially since I read that about women's brains the other night and was able to understand.

 

I am trying to realign myself, redefine myself away from him, and establish a new normal. I know that I have enjoyed flirting with several men and could see myself enjoying the new and giddy part of a relationship with another man.

 

But, my brain still goes back to "him" now and again. And wondering how much he actually wanted to send me away. Wondering if he misses me still. If he just wants to cuddle and talk like I do. If he misses the sound of my voice, or my laugh like I miss the sounds of his.

 

But I can't do this anymore. I can't carry it. It is too much. I have to separate myself and move on.

[AnyaNova]

Apparently, I can't edit this message anymore, so I will just ask here if anyone has gone through this kind of thing? If anyone has any suggestions for how to move on despite the mixed signals?