ScienceGal Posted October 8, 2013 Share Posted October 8, 2013 Or a man? It's not gender specific. I just got the book a couple days ago and am already halfway through it. It's providing a lot of connections for me in terms of my behavior in relationships. The book lists typical characteristics of women who love too much as: 1. Typically, you come from a dysfunctional home in which your emotional needs were not met. 2. Having received little real nurturing yourself, you try to fill this unmet need vicariously by becoming a care-giver, especially to men who appear, in some way, needy. 3. Because you were never able to change your parent(s) into the warm, loving care-taker(s) you longed for, you respond deeply to the familiar type of emotionally unavailable man whom you can again try to change, through your love. 4. Terrified of abandonment, you will do anything to keep a relationship from dissolving. 5. Almost nothing is too much trouble, takes too much time, or is too expensive if it will "help" the man you are involved with. 6. Accustomed to lack of love in personal relationships, you are willing to wait, hope, and try harder to please. 7. You are willing to take far more than 50% of the responsibility, guilt, and blame in any relationship. 8. Your self esteem is critically low, and deep inside you do not believe you deserve to be happy. Rather, you believe you must earn the right to enjoy life. 9. You have a desperate need to control your men and your relationships, having experienced little security in childhood. You mask your efforts to control people and situations as "being helpful". 10. In a relationship, you are much more in touch with your dream of how it could be rather than with the reality of your situation. 11. You are addicted to men and to emotional pain. 12. You may be predisposed emotionally and often biochemically to becoming addicted to drugs, alcohol, and certain foods, particularly sugary ones. 13. By being drawn to people with problems that need your fixing, or by being enmeshed in situations that are chaotic, uncertain, and emotionally painful, you avoid focusing on the responsibility of yourself. 14. You may have a tendency toward episodes of depression, which you try to forestall through the excitement provided by an unstable relationship. 15. You are not attracted to men who are kind, stable, reliable, and interested in you. You find such "nice" men boring. Not all of these apply to me, but many seem to. With each failed relationship, I kept thinking "I don't know what's wrong with me", "I keep doing the best I can!""why do I keep getting hurt?"... Now I know why, it's because of ME and only ME. I keep picking these guys. But, I don't want to keep making poor choices! This book just might change (and save) my life by giving me a chance to identify and understand my habits and behaviors. It's a first step, but it's a good one. Women Who Love Too Much, When You Keep Wishing and Hoping He'll Change 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted October 8, 2013 Share Posted October 8, 2013 There is no such thing as loving too much. There is simply loving the wrong people. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
mammasita Posted October 8, 2013 Share Posted October 8, 2013 There is no such thing as loving too much. There is simply loving the wrong people. Yes and no. Picking the wrong person and then loving them too much thinking that our love will somehow change them. I've been there, done it and also read the book http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/self-improvement-personal-well-being/372773-great-book-about-women-who-love-too-much 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ScienceGal Posted October 8, 2013 Author Share Posted October 8, 2013 There is no such thing as loving too much. There is simply loving the wrong people. The book discusses loving the wrong people, and why women do it. Without understanding and breaking the pattern though, a woman can be left feeling as though she is just loving so much and getting nothing in return. She usually can't see the problem. The books goes deeper than just loving the wrong person. Perhaps this is not helpful to you, but it might be to others who are trying to cope and make sense of things. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted October 8, 2013 Share Posted October 8, 2013 It's a matter of knowing when to say no to people when they wrong you. Some women and men if they have that in love feeling for a man just don't know when to cut things off when he treats them wrong. They shouldn't be loving a man like this at all. It's not a matter of degrees of love. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ScienceGal Posted October 8, 2013 Author Share Posted October 8, 2013 It's a matter of knowing when to say no to people when they wrong you. Some women and men if they have that in love feeling for a man just don't know when to cut things off when he treats them wrong. They shouldn't be loving a man like this at all. It's not a matter of degrees of love. Of course, but it's not always that simple. It takes more than hearing a generic fact. I learned on my own to say no during bad relationships (eventually), and how to leave (again, eventually). But I didn't learn that I was choosing the wrong guy time and time again. I didn't see that I was choosing men who clearly have issues while passing "nice" guys by, even though I claimed to want a "nice" guy. And even if I did make this connection on some level, I didn't know the psychology behind why I've been choosing these men. I never would've figured that out on my own. Now, that I am learning about it, I have a real chance to change my mindset. I have a chance to be more fully aware. And, there are people who have it a lot worse than me. Anything that can help is a good thing. And, isn't that why this forum is here? Link to post Share on other sites
candie13 Posted October 9, 2013 Share Posted October 9, 2013 OMG, did you just wrote all those things for me ? Kiddin'! I do not know if that's book has anything good about it, other than that quote - which is stating the obvious signs. I am more interested in the action steps behind it, to be honest, because all those things I know already about myself. Basically, the depth of a fantastic book is to explain the triggers behind the mechanism, the source of such a behavior. Things like "don't go for emotionally unavailable men" or "choose a nice guy" are extremely easy to tell. Even Woggle here can do it, no need to buy such a book for it. So... how's that analysis behind it? Any good? I am very much impressed by your post, btw , I am simply trying to not hold my breath and face a huge disappointment, haha! Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted October 9, 2013 Share Posted October 9, 2013 (edited) You are not attracted to men who are kind, stable, reliable, and interested in you. You find such "nice" men boring. this....is exactly what i am attracted to and that when i meet someone get to know them for two years before actually dating them being ever so careful.....and then after in a relationship they change....you often wonder why and doesnt seem to maker any sense, then you do that hope plus wait thing for them to return to the way you knew them, the two years plus more you have known them for ...so you give it two more years and you see glimpses of that person./...but then ...you havent seen that person really in a relationship with you so you take that into account......so many variables what i find curious the people they are diagnosing are the people who stick by their partners who have hope who wait who are patient kind and selfless...instead maybe of concentrating on the fact the true person who needs to change their ways and be diagnosed are the people who treat others badly.....its not control wanting to help someone.....its control when you treat someone badly in my opinion helpful patient kind people should be with like minded people........deb Edited October 9, 2013 by todreaminblue Link to post Share on other sites
Author ScienceGal Posted October 9, 2013 Author Share Posted October 9, 2013 OMG, did you just wrote all those things for me ? Kiddin'! I do not know if that's book has anything good about it, other than that quote - which is stating the obvious signs. I am more interested in the action steps behind it, to be honest, because all those things I know already about myself. Basically, the depth of a fantastic book is to explain the triggers behind the mechanism, the source of such a behavior. Things like "don't go for emotionally unavailable men" or "choose a nice guy" are extremely easy to tell. Even Woggle here can do it, no need to buy such a book for it. So... how's that analysis behind it? Any good? I am very much impressed by your post, btw , I am simply trying to not hold my breath and face a huge disappointment, haha! The analysis, in my opinion, is great. The author is a therapist, and details stories from the patient's point of view (childhood and growing up and adolescent and adult relationship choices), and then provides a detailed analysis of the "why" behind the story. She covers a lot of different scenarios, and also speaks from the man's point of view (their experience in all this and why it never works out to be a healthy relationship). I have made connections and gained quite a bit of understanding about myself. Some of which I "kinda knew" about myself, but didn't focus on and would never have understood at the level the book has helped me to. I'm 3/4 of the way through the book and about to get to the part on how to change moving forward. It's by no means going to be easy, but at least now I see the pattern of what I've been doing, and I am piecing together why. As someone who is ready to face the truth and work towards change, it's both scary and empowering. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ScienceGal Posted October 9, 2013 Author Share Posted October 9, 2013 (edited) Deb, is it that the man "changes", as you wrote? Or that he doesn't change? Often we think we know who we're getting involved with, and when we see we were wrong (if we even see it), we try to change them and wait, and fight, and suffer. We begin living with the hope of how good it will be once we help him be the "great guy" we know he is. I paid less than $9 for a used copy of this book online, and I am sure you can borrow it from a library if you don't want to buy it. I am telling you, it's worth a read even if a few of those characteristics I listed. Edited October 9, 2013 by ScienceGal Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted October 9, 2013 Share Posted October 9, 2013 Read up on co-dependent relationships. That's what you are posting about. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ScienceGal Posted October 9, 2013 Author Share Posted October 9, 2013 Read up on co-dependent relationships. That's what you are posting about. Yes, that's a large part of what's explained in the book. And, I'm sure there are other great resources, this is just a new, eye-opening one for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted October 9, 2013 Share Posted October 9, 2013 Yes, that's a large part of what's explained in the book. And, I'm sure there are other great resources, this is just a new, eye-opening one for me. It's pretty much the only part. Codependency is not love, it's control and believing that you don't deserve better. Link to post Share on other sites
candie13 Posted October 9, 2013 Share Posted October 9, 2013 Emilia, name books, pls. IMO, codependency is nothing but a symptom, not the cause. That's why saying stuff like "go for nice guys" won't fix it. IMO, it's not even about emotional life or emotional choices, it most likely has to do with a character trait or smth else like relationship with the authority figure, self-loath or self-punishment, i don't know, but it's something else that needs fixing. Loads of people with the same "Symptoms", but i bet a few very very different causes. It's the road there, where it hurts, that I want to find Link to post Share on other sites
mtnbiker3000 Posted October 9, 2013 Share Posted October 9, 2013 Since this seems to be mostly ladies posting here, thought I would chime in Guess what? As you mentioned this is NOT gender specific. Men face these kind of things too. I have only just begun to to realize how messed up I am And many of the points you listed are valid for me as well. Just switch the word 'man/men' for 'woman/women' and... blam!! Fits like a glove. I am adding this to my que of books to read 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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