I finally understand why my last relationship failed

[ponchsox]

I was relying on her for my happiness. I keep asking myself why it failed and what I did wrong. If you aren't happy with yourself without someone, you aren't going to be satisfied with someone. I'm using this to get more involved with church ministry. Something I've been putting off for a long time.

[beyondcrushed]

I wish it were that simple. You hear it all the time. Be happy with yourself. Love yourself. Makes perfect sense. I don't think it's a cure all, but I think it helps you navigate the challenges in relationships better. I would love to know of or see or understand what a "healthy" relationship looks like, and not just in the first couple years, but over the course of a lifetime. How does being happy and secure in yourself look like in a 20+year marriage? Low divorce rate? More life satisfaction? Less fighting? Less stress?

[ponchsox]

I wish it were that simple. You hear it all the time. Be happy with yourself. Love yourself. Makes perfect sense. I don't think it's a cure all, but I think it helps you navigate the challenges in relationships better. I would love to know of or see or understand what a "healthy" relationship looks like, and not just in the first couple years, but over the course of a lifetime. How does being happy and secure in yourself look like in a 20+year marriage? Low divorce rate? More life satisfaction? Less fighting? Less stress?

 

That is the million dollar question. In how many marriages are both truly happy with themselves? Or is one working so hard to please the other?

[Never Again]

That is the million dollar question. In how many marriages are both truly happy with themselves? Or is one working so hard to please the other?

 

Here is where I begin to become very...um...irritated with the expectations many people have for relationships in general, not just marriage.

 

People get so concerned with how a significant other "makes them feel". Since when did we become responsible for how someone else feels? I take responsibility for my own happiness and expect any girl I'm with to do the same.

 

I harp on this, and have many times on this forum, because it's a huge thorn in my side.

 

Yet another quote that expresses how I feel on the subject:

 

“Love is a temporary madness, it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion, it is not the desire to mate every second minute of the day, it is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every cranny of your body. No, don’t blush, I am telling you some truths. That is just being “in love”, which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.” ― Louis de Bernières

 

I believe that happy and healthy relationships are those where we *choose* to maintain them.

 

Love (and "in love"), in some respects, is a choice.

 

Anyone who claims that they "can't change how they feel", or "cannot act against their feelings" is absolutely full of it.

 

Now, they may have good reason to choose to leave the relationship. Errors, incompatibilities and hurt can erode at the source of love. But just because the "feeling" isn't there?

 

That is selfishness. That is expecting someone to put the butterflies in your tummy and excite you forever, and if they don't, you abandon them. That is expecting to feel "in love" all the time with someone, and if it drops before a certain baseline, you bounce.

 

Expecting to always feel "in love" is expecting my partner to excite me and make me happy, always. Expecting to "just feel it" all the time is, in essence, expecting your partner to do all the work for you.

 

That kind of expectation is cancer to a relationship. That's an addiction to the feeling of love. That is a lack of effort and a willingness to quit.

 

If a relationship is unsatisfying, toxic or hollow - if there truly are no redeeming qualities - I support leaving beyond a shadow of a doubt. But I *do* get irritated when I see both dumpers and dumpees alike feel torn and heartbroken because they weren't "feeling it" and just assumed the relationship was dead before even taking its pulse.

 

I believe that a happy and healthy relationship is full of love, support, and acceptance. It's bonding. I do not need to feel attraction towards my partner all the time. I need a *best friend* (who, yes, I will be attracted to more often than not...sex *is* an important part of it...just not the most important part). I need a literal partner. Someone who will back me up. I accept that sometimes I will feel more "in love", sometimes I will feel less, and sometimes I won't feel it at all. I accept that my partner will annoy me, bore me, inadvertently hurt me and occasionally ignore me.

 

I accept this because I know that I am responsible for my own happiness, love and excitement. If I start to get bored with me relationship, then it becomes my responsibility to do something fun. If I don't feel the connection, it's my responsibility to communicate. If I don't feel the attraction, it's my responsibility to be romantic and seduce her.

 

It's not just being happy on your own that brings a long, happy relationship - it's being responsible for yourself. Being independent even when together.

 

As least, that's my belief.

[AnyaNova]

Here is where I begin to become very...um...irritated with the expectations many people have for relationships in general, not just marriage.

 

People get so concerned with how a significant other "makes them feel". Since when did we become responsible for how someone else feels? I take responsibility for my own happiness and expect any girl I'm with to do the same.

 

I harp on this, and have many times on this forum, because it's a huge thorn in my side.

 

Yet another quote that expresses how I feel on the subject:

 

“Love is a temporary madness, it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion, it is not the desire to mate every second minute of the day, it is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every cranny of your body. No, don’t blush, I am telling you some truths. That is just being “in love”, which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.” ― Louis de Bernières

 

I believe that happy and healthy relationships are those where we *choose* to maintain them.

 

Love (and "in love"), in some respects, is a choice.

 

Anyone who claims that they "can't change how they feel", or "cannot act against their feelings" is absolutely full of it.

 

Now, they may have good reason to choose to leave the relationship. Errors, incompatibilities and hurt can erode at the source of love. But just because the "feeling" isn't there?

 

That is selfishness. That is expecting someone to put the butterflies in your tummy and excite you forever, and if they don't, you abandon them. That is expecting to feel "in love" all the time with someone, and if it drops before a certain baseline, you bounce.

 

Expecting to always feel "in love" is expecting my partner to excite me and make me happy, always. Expecting to "just feel it" all the time is, in essence, expecting your partner to do all the work for you.

 

That kind of expectation is cancer to a relationship. That's an addiction to the feeling of love. That is a lack of effort and a willingness to quit.

 

If a relationship is unsatisfying, toxic or hollow - if there truly are no redeeming qualities - I support leaving beyond a shadow of a doubt. But I *do* get irritated when I see both dumpers and dumpees alike feel torn and heartbroken because they weren't "feeling it" and just assumed the relationship was dead before even taking its pulse.

 

I believe that a happy and healthy relationship is full of love, support, and acceptance. It's bonding. I do not need to feel attraction towards my partner all the time. I need a *best friend* (who, yes, I will be attracted to more often than not...sex *is* an important part of it...just not the most important part). I need a literal partner. Someone who will back me up. I accept that sometimes I will feel more "in love", sometimes I will feel less, and sometimes I won't feel it at all. I accept that my partner will annoy me, bore me, inadvertently hurt me and occasionally ignore me.

 

I accept this because I know that I am responsible for my own happiness, love and excitement. If I start to get bored with me relationship, then it becomes my responsibility to do something fun. If I don't feel the connection, it's my responsibility to communicate. If I don't feel the attraction, it's my responsibility to be romantic and seduce her.

 

It's not just being happy on your own that brings a long, happy relationship - it's being responsible for yourself. Being independent even when together.

 

As least, that's my belief.

 

Can you, pretty please, develop a clone who lives in the midwest and is about 38 who has a thing for dark blondish/reddish heads who look incredibly scots-irish? :-p

 

You keep saying all of these things that are incredibly perfect. And show a remarkable depth of understanding about relationships.

 

p.s.--Can I share that post on facebook, pretty please? If I can, just let me know how you want to be credited!

Edited November 5, 2013 by AnyaNova

[seekingpeaceinlove]

Wow. Once in a while I come across a post that hits me deep and makes me copy and paste so I can read over and over again. This is one of them! You hit the nail on the head with this post. I think your idea on the value of love, happiness, individualism, and responsibility within relationships is THE KEY to a healthy successful and long-lasting relationship.

 

Kudos!!!!

 

Here is where I begin to become very...um...irritated with the expectations many people have for relationships in general, not just marriage.

 

People get so concerned with how a significant other "makes them feel". Since when did we become responsible for how someone else feels? I take responsibility for my own happiness and expect any girl I'm with to do the same.

 

I harp on this, and have many times on this forum, because it's a huge thorn in my side.

 

Yet another quote that expresses how I feel on the subject:

 

“Love is a temporary madness, it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion, it is not the desire to mate every second minute of the day, it is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every cranny of your body. No, don’t blush, I am telling you some truths. That is just being “in love”, which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.” ― Louis de Bernières

 

I believe that happy and healthy relationships are those where we *choose* to maintain them.

 

Love (and "in love"), in some respects, is a choice.

 

Anyone who claims that they "can't change how they feel", or "cannot act against their feelings" is absolutely full of it.

 

Now, they may have good reason to choose to leave the relationship. Errors, incompatibilities and hurt can erode at the source of love. But just because the "feeling" isn't there?

 

That is selfishness. That is expecting someone to put the butterflies in your tummy and excite you forever, and if they don't, you abandon them. That is expecting to feel "in love" all the time with someone, and if it drops before a certain baseline, you bounce.

 

Expecting to always feel "in love" is expecting my partner to excite me and make me happy, always. Expecting to "just feel it" all the time is, in essence, expecting your partner to do all the work for you.

 

That kind of expectation is cancer to a relationship. That's an addiction to the feeling of love. That is a lack of effort and a willingness to quit.

 

If a relationship is unsatisfying, toxic or hollow - if there truly are no redeeming qualities - I support leaving beyond a shadow of a doubt. But I *do* get irritated when I see both dumpers and dumpees alike feel torn and heartbroken because they weren't "feeling it" and just assumed the relationship was dead before even taking its pulse.

 

I believe that a happy and healthy relationship is full of love, support, and acceptance. It's bonding. I do not need to feel attraction towards my partner all the time. I need a *best friend* (who, yes, I will be attracted to more often than not...sex *is* an important part of it...just not the most important part). I need a literal partner. Someone who will back me up. I accept that sometimes I will feel more "in love", sometimes I will feel less, and sometimes I won't feel it at all. I accept that my partner will annoy me, bore me, inadvertently hurt me and occasionally ignore me.

 

I accept this because I know that I am responsible for my own happiness, love and excitement. If I start to get bored with me relationship, then it becomes my responsibility to do something fun. If I don't feel the connection, it's my responsibility to communicate. If I don't feel the attraction, it's my responsibility to be romantic and seduce her.

 

It's not just being happy on your own that brings a long, happy relationship - it's being responsible for yourself. Being independent even when together.

 

As least, that's my belief.

[Never Again]

Can you, pretty please, develop a clone who lives in the midwest and is about 38 who has a thing for dark blondish/reddish heads who look incredibly scots-irish? :-p

 

You keep saying all of these things that are incredibly perfect. And show a remarkable depth of understanding about relationships.

 

p.s.--Can I share that post on facebook, pretty please? If I can, just let me know how you want to be credited!

 

Welllllll, there's a big difference between saying the right things...and doing them. I seem to occasionally miss the leap between the two.

 

At least on the internet, where the typed word is all-powerful, my mis-wired mind can be of use. I wonder how obvious my mental compartmentalization is - my brain, for better or worse, is separated into quadrants. One for biochemisty, one for philosophy, one for art, and one that used to belong to her (the forth one's power grid is dimming, and thankfully so, because it shorted everything else out).

 

You're more than welcome to share, haha.

 

I don't need to be credited, really. I can just be some textbook enigmatic bloke on the 'net.

[jbr91]

Here is where I begin to become very...um...irritated with the expectations many people have for relationships in general, not just marriage.

 

People get so concerned with how a significant other "makes them feel". Since when did we become responsible for how someone else feels? I take responsibility for my own happiness and expect any girl I'm with to do the same.

 

I harp on this, and have many times on this forum, because it's a huge thorn in my side.

 

Yet another quote that expresses how I feel on the subject:

 

“Love is a temporary madness, it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion, it is not the desire to mate every second minute of the day, it is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every cranny of your body. No, don’t blush, I am telling you some truths. That is just being “in love”, which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.” ― Louis de Bernières

 

I believe that happy and healthy relationships are those where we *choose* to maintain them.

 

Love (and "in love"), in some respects, is a choice.

 

Anyone who claims that they "can't change how they feel", or "cannot act against their feelings" is absolutely full of it.

 

Now, they may have good reason to choose to leave the relationship. Errors, incompatibilities and hurt can erode at the source of love. But just because the "feeling" isn't there?

 

That is selfishness. That is expecting someone to put the butterflies in your tummy and excite you forever, and if they don't, you abandon them. That is expecting to feel "in love" all the time with someone, and if it drops before a certain baseline, you bounce.

 

Expecting to always feel "in love" is expecting my partner to excite me and make me happy, always. Expecting to "just feel it" all the time is, in essence, expecting your partner to do all the work for you.

 

That kind of expectation is cancer to a relationship. That's an addiction to the feeling of love. That is a lack of effort and a willingness to quit.

 

If a relationship is unsatisfying, toxic or hollow - if there truly are no redeeming qualities - I support leaving beyond a shadow of a doubt. But I *do* get irritated when I see both dumpers and dumpees alike feel torn and heartbroken because they weren't "feeling it" and just assumed the relationship was dead before even taking its pulse.

 

I believe that a happy and healthy relationship is full of love, support, and acceptance. It's bonding. I do not need to feel attraction towards my partner all the time. I need a *best friend* (who, yes, I will be attracted to more often than not...sex *is* an important part of it...just not the most important part). I need a literal partner. Someone who will back me up. I accept that sometimes I will feel more "in love", sometimes I will feel less, and sometimes I won't feel it at all. I accept that my partner will annoy me, bore me, inadvertently hurt me and occasionally ignore me.

 

I accept this because I know that I am responsible for my own happiness, love and excitement. If I start to get bored with me relationship, then it becomes my responsibility to do something fun. If I don't feel the connection, it's my responsibility to communicate. If I don't feel the attraction, it's my responsibility to be romantic and seduce her.

 

It's not just being happy on your own that brings a long, happy relationship - it's being responsible for yourself. Being independent even when together.

 

As least, that's my belief.

 

So I broke it off with a girl because I didnt not feel like I loved her anymore. Now I am really regretting it because she wont take me back and is a really great person. I was getting stressed out by the relationship and couldn't deal with everything anymore. I felt in my gut that at the time it was the right thing to do.

 

So how do you know when you should leave the relationship because there may be someone better for you?

[Never Again]

So I broke it off with a girl because I didnt not feel like I loved her anymore. Now I am really regretting it because she wont take me back and is a really great person. I was getting stressed out by the relationship and couldn't deal with everything anymore. I felt in my gut that at the time it was the right thing to do.

 

So how do you know when you should leave the relationship because there may be someone better for you?

 

Your situation is a bit unique because, from your post, it seems like she treated you poorly and cheated on you. You may be better off without her, even if it doesn't feel that way.

 

Things get tricky when the head and heart argue.

 

However, it's always a hard call to make when there's no "objective" reason for breaking up. Feelings can be so fickle - they can come and go - so it's hard to tell when they're "gone" or just "hiding".

 

Despite popular belief, it is not common to feel "it", to feel "in love"/attraction/passion/"spark" all the time. It shouldn't ever disappear forever, but it takes work to maintain/reignite those feelings.

 

I sort of like letting those feelings rest, personally. Even just simple attraction needs a break every now and again in my mind. It's draining to feel just strong emotional pulls all the time. Maybe I'm weird, but I believe the best relationships are those where the people involved can oscillate between best friends and lovers, and not necessarily get stuck in one role.

 

I never judge a relationship based on what could be out there. "Coulds" are illusions, works of pure fiction - that's the stuff GIGS is made of. They can blind you to the reality of your relationship just as much as passion/"the spark"/"chemistry"/attraction can. If the relationship isn't working...then it's not working on its own merits (or lack thereof).

[AnyaNova]

Your situation is a bit unique because, from your post, it seems like she treated you poorly and cheated on you. You may be better off without her, even if it doesn't feel that way.

 

Things get tricky when the head and heart argue.

 

However, it's always a hard call to make when there's no "objective" reason for breaking up. Feelings can be so fickle - they can come and go - so it's hard to tell when they're "gone" or just "hiding".

 

Despite popular belief, it is not common to feel "it", to feel "in love"/attraction/passion/"spark" all the time. It shouldn't ever disappear forever, but it takes work to maintain/reignite those feelings.

 

I sort of like letting those feelings rest, personally. Even just simple attraction needs a break every now and again in my mind. It's draining to feel just strong emotional pulls all the time. Maybe I'm weird, but I believe the best relationships are those where the people involved can oscillate between best friends and lovers, and not necessarily get stuck in one role.

 

I never judge a relationship based on what could be out there. "Coulds" are illusions, works of pure fiction - that's the stuff GIGS is made of. They can blind you to the reality of your relationship just as much as passion/"the spark"/"chemistry"/attraction can. If the relationship isn't working...then it's not working on its own merits (or lack thereof).

 

See, there you go again, Pfenixfire, you are like a never ending font of relational wisdom. One correction, though, define work. Given the bridge effect, a few good rollercoaster rides, truly scary horror movies, and maybe a haunted house and exciting skydive together and it should be all back. :-)

[InnocentMan]

Pfenixphire nailed it. Great post.

[jbr91]

Your situation is a bit unique because, from your post, it seems like she treated you poorly and cheated on you. You may be better off without her, even if it doesn't feel that way.

 

Things get tricky when the head and heart argue.

 

However, it's always a hard call to make when there's no "objective" reason for breaking up. Feelings can be so fickle - they can come and go - so it's hard to tell when they're "gone" or just "hiding".

 

Despite popular belief, it is not common to feel "it", to feel "in love"/attraction/passion/"spark" all the time. It shouldn't ever disappear forever, but it takes work to maintain/reignite those feelings.

 

I sort of like letting those feelings rest, personally. Even just simple attraction needs a break every now and again in my mind. It's draining to feel just strong emotional pulls all the time. Maybe I'm weird, but I believe the best relationships are those where the people involved can oscillate between best friends and lovers, and not necessarily get stuck in one role.

 

I never judge a relationship based on what could be out there. "Coulds" are illusions, works of pure fiction - that's the stuff GIGS is made of. They can blind you to the reality of your relationship just as much as passion/"the spark"/"chemistry"/attraction can. If the relationship isn't working...then it's not working on its own merits (or lack thereof).

 

she didnt cheat on me, at least not that I know of. All her friends and classmates say that she cheated on her ex boyfriend, when I confronted her about it, she said that they were on a "break". However, I feel like that is still cheating.

 

The main problem is that I felt like I couldnt trust her (i felt hurt by things that she said before our relationship even started) and that caused a lot of friction in our relationship

[Never Again]

she didnt cheat on me, at least not that I know of. All her friends and classmates say that she cheated on her ex boyfriend, when I confronted her about it, she said that they were on a "break". However, I feel like that is still cheating.

 

The main problem is that I felt like I couldnt trust her (i felt hurt by things that she said before our relationship even started) and that caused a lot of friction in our relationship

 

I didn't remember it correctly (or just misread!). Sorry about that.

 

While it's a little less severe, I suppose the point still stands - if you can't be trusting and secure with her, then you can't BE with her.

 

That needs to be entirely independent of what else "could" be out there.

[Never Again]

Sorry, I feel like I've thread-jacked.