They CAN happen!

[confused kitty]

First of all, let me start off by saying, I am NOT writing this to give people false hope.. Im posting this thread because so many people on here ask; Do second chances really exist? and if so why dont we hear about them??

 

So Im simply taking the time to share my story with those people, for whatever reasons they may have of asking such questions. Take from it, what you may and feel free to comment/ask any questions and Il try my best to explain.

 

Il try keep it short but bare with me! Feel free to read my old threads for the extendid version!

 

Well 2 days ago marked 7months since the break up (I was dumpee) we were together for 5 months, when out of the blue he endid it for reasons such as;

*He loved me but needid to sort his life out

*It wasnt me, it was him

*He hadnt got the time and energy that I/our relationship deserved and didnt want us to end up hating eachother blah blah...

 

I was crushed and made All the usual mistakes - I cryed, I begged and pleaded, I sent him two letters, called, texted, you name it I done it!

I was a wreak, I was at such a low point that I will admit stupid and insane things crossed my mind, I couldnt eat because the knots in my stomach were physically making me sick, I couldnt sleep because my mind wouldnt stop racing with thaughts of him, I lost all interest in things/hobbies I was once so passionate about, in total I lost 40 pounds. I was literally a wreak and at rock bottom!

 

I eventually went NC but broke it several times, the longest period lasting 2months during which time I rebounded and found a new guy (to try replase him!) At the time I genuinely thaught I was over him, I had reached the point where I was angry with him and stupidly thaught I was over him and ready to move on.. So I sent him a text at Christmas, I wanted to be the bigger person and wish him and his family a Happy Holliday. I kept the text short, very casual and to the point - I was Not expecting him to reply and I didnt really care if he did or not. He replyed instantly, telling me he had wanted to text me the night before but didnt think Id want to hear from him, I was friendly but kept my texts short and to the point, he went on and asked could he call me and I said he could...but he never did!

 

After those few texts I quickly realised I wasnt over him at all, and so I dumped new guy because he was starting to get feelings for me but I was still totally hung up on my ex and it was really unfair what I was doing to him.

I went back NC and kept telling myself "If its meant to be, it will happen when the time is right, Ive done all I could do!"

 

Well that seemed to be the turning point (at least in my head!) I decided to get on with my life and let things play themselves out, this was around early February.

 

He would text me every so often, nothing major, just checking in I guess and throwing out afew breadcrumbs, almost every time he would ask could he call me, I would always stupidly say yes and then he never would... This happened several times!

 

Then in late March I recieved the usual "can I call you?" I didnt answer his text and imediatly came on here and asked for advice (HUGE THANK YOU GUYS, you all know who you are!) I text him back the following day saying he could call, but if he didnt, then he has to stop wasting my time.. and this time he did!! It was the first time we had spoken in over 4months, and this time he was warm, friendly and fun, such a contrast from the cold, distant and heartless guy he had become during the break up. I stayed strong and kept All emotions under wraps, I was friendly but gave nothing away.

After speaking on the phone, he texted me straight away and this went on all day, with afew short phone calls thrown in aswell. Heres the real shocker though... He then asked could he come around and hang out?!!!

 

I was fully aware of all the risks involved in seeing him again but I felt strong, and was curious to see where this would go.. I was a little worried it would be awkward between us but he came around afew hours later and we caught up on all that had been going on with eachother, the hours flew by and we were having such a good time laughing and joking around, there was no awkwardness whatsoever, it felt like old times - like the past 7months had never happened (he even said this afew times) The whole time he was there I kept my emotions under wraps and neither of us brought up what had happened (looking back now, it almost felt like a first date) he endid up staying the night but nothing happened, he made no moves and neither did I, we lay in bed and talked and cuddled all night.

He called me by old pet names just like he used to and the next morning he told me he had a great time and forgot just how i great I really was, and asked if we could hang out again real soon. We hugged for what seemed like a very long time, it felt like he didnt want to let go, he eventually did and then left.

I kept my composure the entire time, I wasnt cold but I wasnt over flirty or needy either, as I closed the door I promised myself I would not let him suck me back in just to spit me back out again, yes I still loved him and the past 24hours had felt like a dream but he hurt me so much that I owed it to myself not to fall straight back into his arms, IF he wanted me back he was going to have to work very hard at it!

He continued texting me the next few days, HE made All the contact but still no mention of the break up, or any sign that he wanted me back.

 

This went on for about 2 weeks, I knew we had to talk about it but I was afraid it would push him away, we had come so far from the way we had been over the last 7months and I guess I was afraid it would end again..

 

Afew days ago I had had enough, I had to know where I stood once and for all, I was also afraid of the "dreaded friend zone" if things kept going as they were. So I asked him "whats going on here??" I told him if we were "just friends" then I couldnt continue hanging out like we have been, I told him to take afew days and not to contact me until he had made his mind up, one way or the other...

 

The following day he text and asked could we meet up? I lied, and said I wasnt around until the weekend ( I didnt want to seem too available!) So on Friday we met up and spoke for 5 hours!!

 

He told me everything I was hoping he would... How hes still crazy in love with me, and genuinely sees himself setteling down and marrying me, with kids the house the whole works...!!

He said he pushed me away because he was scared, because he knew I was "The One" and it frightened him, he said he was afraid he wasnt ready to fully commit to me and to "the rest of our lives together". He also went on to tell me how he has wanted me back the whole time, and that he hasnt stopped thinking about me for one single day since the break up 7 months ago, but that he felt too ashamed to tell me after all he had put me through and how much hurt he had caused me...

 

This was the reason he was cold and distant, because he didnt feel like he deserved me and said he couldnt handle talking to me because he still loved me too much but knew I deserved better..

 

He said the first 2 months post break up, he spent regretting what he had done, and then the last 5 months hes been trying to improve and better himself so that he could at least be "in with half a chance of winning me back". Hes been in therapy, dealing with his depression and the guilt he felt over the break up and the pain he had caused me. He genuinely seems to have changed and hes back to the the fun, friendly and affectionate guy I first fell for..

 

I told him just how much he had hurt me and that despite the feelings I still had I could no longer trust him, I said he had ALOT to prove to me to show he really had changed and that this time he was 100% commited - he fully agreed to all my terms and conditions. I told him Id have to think about it and get back to him, which I did 2 days later, and we are still ironing out all the creases before I agree to starting over...!

I just noticed, literally in the last few days how strong Ive become and how much more confident I am in myself since the break up, Ive changed and I didnt even know it!

 

Hes told me he plans on moving closer to me (we live an hour apart) in the very near future, in order for us to have the best chance at making this work, he said hes in this for the long haul and is fully commited to me and doesnt want anyone else.

 

Its still very early days, but this is exactly what I was waiting for. I know its going to have to be taken very slowly and we both need to discuss any fears or doubts that might arise along the way, but Im feeling positive about our future, I got a guy who never talks about feelings or emotions to fully open up and commit to me...

Its funny, he keeps saying theres something different about me but he cant work out what it is..I just laugh it off but I put it down to being more confident and it clearly shows lol

 

The best advice I can offer to anyone in this situation is to stay strong, and respect yourself, work out on your own what it is that you want and dont settle for anything less!

 

 

I hope my story can help some of you, even if its in the smallest way. Il keep you all posted from time to time on any updates.

 

Feel free to ask questions or comment and Il try my best to answer them

[Philosoraptor]

Things can work if both people work on the issues that they brought to the relationship. One thing to stress is understanding that a second chance is a new relationship. You can't jump into what you had before because you know what the result was.

 

If you take care of yourself you always give yourself the best chance at a happy future no matter what happens.

 

I hope things work out well for you.

[confused kitty]

Thank you Philosoraptor, Im deffenitly aware that this is a whole new start and despite being delighted that we have this chance, Im still keeping my guard up for the time being until the trust has been built back up.

 

So far hes said all the right things...but I need his actions to prove them before I can start to trust him again.

[Tiera D]

dont jump back straight to his arms kitty,get him to make a a great sincere act 1st good luck

 

TD

[raspberry.12]

Things can work if both people work on the issues that they brought to the relationship. One thing to stress is understanding that a second chance is a new relationship. You can't jump into what you had before because you know what the result was.

 

If you take care of yourself you always give yourself the best chance at a happy future no matter what happens.

 

I hope things work out well for you.

 

You are right, things only work out if both people are willing to work on the issues. In my case, I doubt about second chance because he was not willing to work on it, or risking himself to be hurt again to try another time.

[Gulf-Delta]

I've never been as happy for anyone on this forum as I am for you!

 

I wish you guys the best of luck!

 

I can only hope for something like this!

[Exit]

Of course they can happen. Ironically you see people asking that question all the time on these forums, meanwhile they are telling their story about how they got dumped because the person they were with went back to their ex... so from that other person's perspective, their gf/bf just came back. So obviously it does happen.

 

I'm jaded about second chances based on what happened to me but I'm happy for you and hope all that you're hearing from your partner is genuine and hope it works out.

[Gulf-Delta]

So was he a GiGs guy, or was it for some other reasons he split.

[confused kitty]

Gulf-Delta Thank you so so much for your lovely message and best wishes, its very much appriciated :-)

 

To answer your question, no he hadnt got GIGS, its quite a long story but basically he was suffering from bad depression among plenty of other things, and he needid to sort his life out..

He broke up with me saying he still loved me very much but needid this time to do what he had to do, and was afraid if we stayed together that the lack of time and effort being put in on his end, would make us hate eachother and fall apart... Hope that answers your question?

 

(FEEL FREE TO LOOK UP MY FULL STORY!)

[confused kitty]

Exit - Thanks for taking the time to comment The reason I wrote this thread and titled it "They Can Happen" is because I was forever seeing people posting on here, asking if second chances really existed? Or do they really happen? And why dont we see reconcilliation stories on here?

 

That was the reason I took the time to write out my story, not to give others false hope but just to give some feed back :-)

 

We're back together 5weeks now, and only "officially" announced it just last week, we wanted time to ourselves to work on our relationship and see if it could really work this time before adding the extra pressure of family and friends and all their oppinions!

 

It hasnt been all hearts and flowers, it takes work it really does.. We both agreed that this was a whole new start, but its sometimes hard not to think back to how it used to be, and everything that has happened,Communication is key!

 

We're taking it day by day but overall I can still say Im happy for this second chance :-)

[KatZee]

Gulf-Delta Thank you so so much for your lovely message and best wishes, its very much appriciated :-)

 

To answer your question, no he hadnt got GIGS, its quite a long story but basically he was suffering from bad depression among plenty of other things, and he needid to sort his life out..

He broke up with me saying he still loved me very much but needid this time to do what he had to do, and was afraid if we stayed together that the lack of time and effort being put in on his end, would make us hate eachother and fall apart... Hope that answers your question?

 

(FEEL FREE TO LOOK UP MY FULL STORY!)

 

CK--- My ex boyfriend broke up with me for the exact same reasons as your did. The story (at least from the very beginning sounds VERY FAMILIAR.) My story is that I was with him close to three years. He hasn't been entirely happy with his own personal life for a while, and it affected us as a couple. He has a lot of stress... financial, family, work; things took their toll and he broke up with me saying that he couldn't give me the attention I deserved from a boyfriend. He needed to "clear his head" he wanted to fix himself, he needed to just be single so he could find out who he was... basically exactly what yours said. He too said he still loved me. Still cared for me. He was saying he could see us starting fresh down the line but right now this was the right thing to do so we could both be happy.

 

It's coming up on a month of NC. I've made all the classic mistakes in my past relationships and when he ended it, I just walked out of his house and never looked back. I sent him one e-mail, accepting the breakup, saying that this needed to happen, and I love him and care for him very much but I want him to be happy.

 

There hasn't been any contact on his end at all, despite him saying I was his best friend, and that I was the closest person to him in his life. He said he didn't want to burn bridges; but there's been nothing.

 

Is there anything I should be doing? Sometimes I feel the longer I stay away, the further from his mind I go. I haven't reached out though despite those fears. I've been hanging out with my friends, reconnecting with old ones, taking up new hobbies, and moving into my first apartment! So my life isn't essentially on hold waiting for him, but I would love the chance for him to come around...

 

If I don't hear from him at all, should I reach out? You mention that your boyfriend felt ashamed from all the hurt he caused you. I know my ex still loves and cares for me, so I know he's not just over this. I just want the best possible chance at a recon; and this story gives me some hope because it's our story to a T. (Before he broke up with me, he would make comments regarding marriage, said he was in this for the long haul...I just don't see how all of that just disappears.)

[confused kitty]

KatZee, Im no expert on relationships and Im sure there is many people on here that will slam me for saying this, but here goes...

 

Everyone on here always says NO CONTACT!! In my oppinion though, it just didnt sit right with me, how do you stand a chance of a recon. if you completley vanish out of thin air? Dont get me wrong I fully understand the reasons behind it, to help you in moving on and healing blah blah and it most deffenitly has its place in certain situations!

Mine just wasnt one of them.....

 

It just didnt sit right with me - I put myself in his shoes, and if someone did that to me Id automatically think they were over me! And knowing him, I knew if he thaught that then he wouldnt reach out because he wouldnt want to hurt me further if he thaught I was out there trying to move on, as he told me to do so, and not to wait for him. And I know now I was right!!

All the times he used to text me asking could he call me, he since told me that it was to tell me how he felt, how sorry he was etc. but that he was afraid I was in a new relationship, and wouldnt want to hear him out, basically he kept getting cold feet!

 

Its entirely up to you... How do you feel? Do you think NC is best for you?

Bare in mind though if you do reach out to him, he could possibly ignore you! How would that make you feel? Would it set you back to square one?

 

There is alot that of pros and cons that you need to weigh up and then decide whats best for you.. Maybe get in touch as a friend, just send him a casual "How are you?" I would strongly advise that, if you do get in touch with him that you do not bring up the relationship/breakup, in fact keep all your emotions under wraps. If he brings it up well and good, but you need to stay strong, trust me its in your best interest!

 

By contacting him as "a friend" in my oppinion, its re-opening the lines of communication, the next step is up to him though. Its been a month now, so he should have had time to at least miss you, but for all you know he could be afraid to make contact again, or maybe hes not afraid and just isnt ready to start over but whats the harm in sending the odd friendly text/email/phone call...?

 

P.S I asked my guy afew weeks ago (out of curiousoty) if he would have got in touch with me if I hadnt made contact over Christmas, and he said no! I was shocked, but he explained that 2 whole months had passed without him hearing from me and even though it killed him not to reach out, he presumed I had moved on and was happy and didnt want to ruin that for me after all he had already put me through.. Little did he know!!

 

I cant tell you what to do, I can only tell you what worked for me, in my situation. Feel free to ask any more questions you might have and Il try my best to help you out!

Please keep me posted on this thread of your decision and any outcome that may arrise, as I only come on here to check this thread and no longer go surfing through all the others :-)

 

Good luck with what ever decision you come to! ;-)

[KatZee]

Thanks for the advice... when he left he told me the same things. He was selfish to keep me when he couldn't give me his all, he told me not to wait either since that was also selfish and he didn't know how much time would pass... and then he said he didn't want to burn bridges. At first I said I couldn't be friends with him and he said he understood...

 

Two days later I sent him an email basically saying I didn't want to burn bridges either, and that I loved him and cared for him very much, that he is an important part of my life and I didn't see him not being one. I agreed with the breakup, said it was best that we have this time apart to really grow, take a breather, etc. But I also added that I need to step back for a little while.

 

That email went unanswered. I sent it not really expecting him to reply. I essentially told him I was going to go NC by stepping back.

 

Two weeks after that e-mail I did send a text congratulating him on his college graduation and he replied fairly quickly, saying thank you so much, I'm excited.

 

It's been two weeks since THAT text. So I guess it hasn't been COMPLETE NC. Just extremely LC.

 

Either way, he hasn't initiated anything... I don't want to keep being the one to reach out, with no reciprocation.

 

I don't want to make assumptions. I don't want to think he's scared to contact me, or that he's waiting for ME to break the NC, or that he just doesn't care.

 

I want him to FULLY realize his life without me. Should I give it a couple more weeks and then reach out? Or just do nothing? I want to have the best possible shot at a recon and not push him away.

[confused kitty]

I want him to FULLY realize his life without me..

 

I think you just answered your question... The only way he can FULLY realize his life without you is if you remove yourself from his life.

[Gulf-Delta]

I want him to FULLY realize his life without me. Should I give it a couple more weeks and then reach out? Or just do nothing? I want to have the best possible shot at a recon and not push him away.

 

We're in the same boat sister!

 

It is 100 times harder when you know your ex has no ill will towards you.

[ItsNeverForever]

I think you just answered your question... The only way he can FULLY realize his life without you is if you remove yourself from his life.

 

AMEN, Kitty. As harsh as it sounds, this is the ONLY WAY.

 

And Gulf-Delta, it's a THOUSAND times harder.

 

At some point you have to accept that it's really just completely out of your control. And it really is true - if you truly, deeply LOVE this person, you MUST let them go, for as long as it takes them to FULLY realize their life without you. It really is what is best for them, and isn't that what you want for the person you love? And a lot of the time (what sometimes seems to be like a thousand years later) you end up realizing that letting them go was what was best for YOU, too - and this is hard for me to say, because patience is my biggest struggle in life and a few days often feels like a lifetime to me! It IS really, really hard to let them go and trust that you're doing the right thing when there's no ill will between you. It sure doesn't feel right, does it?

 

But if you've made your case, and made sure they understand your love, caring and respect for them, then you just have to find it in yourself to be strong enough for BOTH of your own goods and have faith that no matter the ultimate outcome, you will both find your own respective happiness because of it. I know, easier said than done. I'm struggling with this very thing right now - my ex is truly an extremely lost soul right now, and I never knew to just what extent until today - and it breaks my heart...but the only way for him to come out of it is to figure it out on his own. I just have to DO IT. You CAN do it. We can do it.

 

I promise you they won't forget the amazingness that is only found in YOU. (I found that out myself today, too.) I promise. We are never forgotten.

 

You're not alone, we're in this crummy-feeling boat together. But while we're in this boat, WE are learning and growing, too - not a bad thing in and of itself.

 

{{{hugs}}}

[Gulf-Delta]

AMEN, Kitty. As harsh as it sounds, this is the ONLY WAY.

 

And Gulf-Delta, it's a THOUSAND times harder.

 

At some point you have to accept that it's really just completely out of your control. And it really is true - if you truly, deeply LOVE this person, you MUST let them go, for as long as it takes them to FULLY realize their life without you. It really is what is best for them, and isn't that what you want for the person you love? And a lot of the time (what sometimes seems to be like a thousand years later) you end up realizing that letting them go was what was best for YOU, too - and this is hard for me to say, because patience is my biggest struggle in life and a few days often feels like a lifetime to me! It IS really, really hard to let them go and trust that you're doing the right thing when there's no ill will between you. It sure doesn't feel right, does it?

 

But if you've made your case, and made sure they understand your love, caring and respect for them, then you just have to find it in yourself to be strong enough for BOTH of your own goods and have faith that no matter the ultimate outcome, you will both find your own respective happiness because of it. I know, easier said than done. I'm struggling with this very thing right now - my ex is truly an extremely lost soul right now, and I never knew to just what extent until today - and it breaks my heart...but the only way for him to come out of it is to figure it out on his own. I just have to DO IT. You CAN do it. We can do it.

 

I promise you they won't forget the amazingness that is only found in YOU. (I found that out myself today, too.) I promise. We are never forgotten.

 

You're not alone, we're in this crummy-feeling boat together. But while we're in this boat, WE are learning and growing, too - not a bad thing in and of itself.

 

{{{hugs}}}

 

I hear that.

 

I'm probably one of the most impatient person ever lol.

 

I'm just really afraid of losing her for good. The only thing that keeps me on the NC is this feeling in my gut that she'll come back.

 

This girl, I can't shake my love for her. I don't know why. I've been told that "You need to let her go because she's hurt you, etc" but knowing her as well as I do, I know it wasn't on purpose. In many ways, she's like a child. Lost, naive, unsure of where to go. Since I've known her, she's always needed a guide...and all of this sounds like I'm trash-talking her, but the thing is, I wanted to be the person to help her. Walk with her through all of the things she found hard. All of her struggles, insecurities, indecisiveness, and sometimes depression...they were all worth dealing with because I loved her, and she deserved it.

 

I don't know....this girl is perfect for me. She is the ideal woman I've had in my head since I was a 16. She treated me so amazingly well, that she deserves forgiveness. She NEVER once lied to me, never did anything to hurt me. It's just that she's made a mistake. And if anyone deserves a second chance and forgiveness it's her. I just want her to know that, I guess.

[KatZee]

Yeah, I get what you're all saying and that's why I've been able to do this NC. I haven't wavered once. (Of course I didn't learn this "skill" overnight... I did the whole begging, pleading, crying, desperation act in my previous relationship! And I DEFINITELY learned that lesson, lol.)

 

I just don't want what happened to CK to happen to me. Where he flat out admitted that he wouldn't have contacted her because he thought she moved on and was happy... meanwhile she was sitting and waiting for some sort of contact from him. I Just don't want to kick myself in the ass down the line.

[Gulf-Delta]

Yeah, I get what you're all saying and that's why I've been able to do this NC. I haven't wavered once. (Of course I didn't learn this "skill" overnight... I did the whole begging, pleading, crying, desperation act in my previous relationship! And I DEFINITELY learned that lesson, lol.)

 

I just don't want what happened to CK to happen to me. Where he flat out admitted that he wouldn't have contacted her because he thought she moved on and was happy... meanwhile she was sitting and waiting for some sort of contact from him. I Just don't want to kick myself in the ass down the line.

 

Exactly.

 

Sometimes I wonder if my ex is avoiding contacting me because she thinks I'm bitter...or don't wanna hear from her. Or moved on.

[KatZee]

Exactly.

 

Sometimes I wonder if my ex is avoiding contacting me because she thinks I'm bitter...or don't wanna hear from her. Or moved on.

 

Exactly.

 

You know what they say about the word "Assume." You make an ass of you and me.

 

That's why although I do see why many people advocate the full NC... I think the door needs to be left ajar for the other person to eventually come around. I'm leaning more towards LC (extremely limited) as I've sent one text in a month. If they are completely iced out I think it allows for a lot more uncertainty and a lot more fear on their end, and some people just don't have the balls to come forward and contact REGARDLESS of how they may feel.

[Tiera D]

well u can mention your intentions 1st b4 going NC?Then you can be sure they know what you want

 

TD

[Pod81]

CK - while I'm very happy for you guys at being able to reconcile, what's the latest update on this guy? I'm a little pessimistic about people genuinely changing (especially when it comes to commitment). Has he continued to prove to you that he's putting his heart and soul in the relationship? How long do you plan on keeping your guard up knowing that it will always lurk in the back of your mind that he may revert back to his old ways? How do you cope with that?

 

Anyways, this situation sounds entirely TOO familiar...except that the roles are reversed. The girl I've been dating is 23, and since I was her first real relationship....the seriousness of it all got her too scared to fully commit even though I've done everything I could to be that perfect boyfriend. So, she ended up giving me all those lines like "I don't know what I want", "I don't love you as much as I should", etc. She actually distanced herself the last month or so of our 14 month relationship, so I decided to break it off completely despite the fact that I still loved her very much. Literally an hour after I broke it off, she called me and cried to me that she wanted to work things out. Siding with my better judgment, I didn't take her back right away due to her fickleness. Instead, I offered a 50 day break of NC in order for her to 1) figure out what she wants, 2) realize what life is like without me in the picture, and 3) realize her immaturity. Right now, I'm about a month in without breaking NC. About a week ago, I read on her blog (which I don't think she knows that I read) that she admitted to never giving her all in this relationship and that if I still want to give her a second chance, she would promise to love me with all her heart that I deserve. It seems to me that she has gotten through that first step of maturity - recognition of her problems.

 

As a side note, I know she's the type of person who's afraid of change (she keeps mentioning the fact that she's afraid of transitioning from school to work) and us exiting the honeymoon phase obviously freaked her out since she's never reached this point in a relationship.

 

My question to you in reference to my situation is...who should be the one to break the NC at the end of the 50 days? Although the issue here is her effort and commitment, I'm starting to think that I should be the one since I was the dumper and she was the dumpee. Thus, she would think that I've checked out of this relationship. (which in reality, I haven't even come close at all)

[Stanza]

pod81, I think that it isn't so much 'breaking the NC' after the 50 days but seeing what happens when you get there as 1) she might break sooner herself 2) if you FEEL like you still want to be in touch after 50 days, you'll just do it. And by doing on that timeline you'd show her you're still interested but you gave her what you said - in that you gave her the 50 days.

 

that's how I see it.

 

I like this thread. It has a lot of people trying to work out the best between NC and LC and I like how people are fitting that to their situation. I do agree that full out NC could be asking for trouble if you close all doors, so I do think either there has to be a discussion of open doors prior or the occassional 'check-in'.

 

Sometimes I fear they forget us. Mine went into a rebound and I fear it's pulling him further away as they're still together after 5 weeks and she's EXTREMELY into him. At the start of their relationship I talked to him by phone once (half an hour) and met him for over 2 hours. But the last weeks it's been 'different' somehow. That said I've been on some threads here recommending me to go NC so at the moment, and I agreed, as I think he has GIGS, so that is how it is. I hope this by itsneverforever is true:

I promise you they won't forget the amazingness that is only found in YOU.

(I found that out myself today, too.) I promise. We are never

forgotten.

 

[ItsNeverForever]

I know, especially with as hard a time as I'm having in my situation right now, that it seems like a bunch of happy hopefulness to believe that they haven't forgotten us. Part of the reason is that women deal with emotional "traumas" steadfast & head-on, whereas conversely, men tend to "bandaid" breakup pain/stress by making crazy effort to involve themselves with new women...I could speculate a million diff reasons they do this, & one or more could be true in any of our situations. So, while they're off doing their new thing(s), we're deep in the throes of serious grieving & it seems like they are getting the feast while all we're left with is a big pile of dirty dishes. I've been around a long time & had many, many relationships; in my own experience & those of some good guy friends, it seems it takes guys a good 6 months & maybe some bad dating experiences, or good but fizzled experiences, or maybe even none that panned out at all, before it hits them like a ton of bricks. And of course, by the time this happens, the kitchen is sparkly clean - and heck, we might have even bought all new dishes! - and therefore their revelation is quite moot.

 

So, I guess what I'm trying to say is, that especially in a situation where there is no ill will between you, that the person just felt they needed space to do their own thing, regardless of what that thing is, they really DON'T forget you. Whether they think of you daily or not until 6 months or whenever, they don't forget and for me, at least, there is a little comfort in that.

 

I learned recently exactly why my ex decided he needed to not be in our relationship & frankly it's sad - that a man his age who is so extremely intelligent could be so far behind the curve in his emotional health - but its something that ONLY HE can fix, & only when HE is ready to. There is a little comfort in that for me, too. (Of course I'm still experiencing extreme sadness every few days over what we lost -it really was good- I dont think there's any cure for this sadness other than time. )

 

Ok, all of that rambling done, example of my original point: when I first posted about them not forgetting us I was still in LC. After learning what I did about his true issues, & going full, strict NC ( including giving up my #1 hobby, fave hangouts, etc. to avoid running into him - sooo difficult!)I was talking to a mutual friend of ours who in conversation, without even realizing they'd done it, revealed that Mr. Ex brings me up in conversation a lot...ANY little random subject that might remotely relate to me causes him to think of me & bring my name into the conversation. Of course, unless he's bringing up my name in a conversation with ME about having spent crucial, considerable time working through his issues & asking for an attempt at reconciliation, it really doesn't mean anything at all...except that he HASN'T FORGOTTEN ME.

 

To be completely honest, that might be the only reason I'm not on the floor in a crying heap of a mess every other day! Whatever, I'll take it! LOL. I figure as long as I continue to do the best I can muster each day to take care of myself and experience my own personal growth, and of course keep strict NC, it can only get better.

[confused kitty]

POD 81 - Im no expert, Ive never been through anything like this before.

 

How long do I plan on keeping my guard up? Well Im not entirely sure, Im just going from day to day right now and feeling my way along, some days are better than others but on the bad days I think of all the pain I went through and try turn it into a positive, by telling myself I put way too much time, effort and emotion into this guy to just give up and walk away so easily...that gives me the kick in the a*s that gets me through that day and work harder at trusting him...

 

Honestly it is getting easyer, and hes still trying too - the day he stops trying is the day Il walk away for good.

 

Give it the 50 days, if you havent heard from her by the time its up, then I think u should reach out (IF you still feel that you want to!)

 

Hope that helps :-) CK

 

Hope that helps