Dumper Ex wants reconciliation. So lost.

[DisGai]

Hi all,

 

I don't know if I'm allowed to repost this on a new thread, but I thought it'd get more views this way. (It's deep inside an older thread.)

 

If you feel like reading more about how everything led up to this, visit http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/336354-dumpee-possibly-being-pursued-dumper.

 

Otherwise, here's my story about my EX, who dumped me, seeking reconciliation after 4 months of NC and 2 months of LC.

 

---------

 

I ended up going for dinner + dessert last night. The first 3 hours was all small talk.. it was a friendly and fun atmosphere. I'm sure we can both agree that we had a good time chatting/eating. But the next 2 is where the meat of the matter is.

 

I want to be as objective as possible when outlining what happened; please bear with me as I try to put this into words. Keep in mind that a lot was spoken and my mind is clouded with a lot of different emotions right now; a lot of our conversation may be out of order and even awkward to read about. It wasn't awkward, but there were several moments of silence for reflecting indeed.

 

-------------------------

 

"Let's talk," she said, after we finished up dinner. So I decided that we might as well go get dessert and talk things through, even though we were both stuffed from dinner. We got to Cold Stone, got our ice cream, and joked around/had small talk some more for a bit. Slowly we transitioned into more important matters.

 

It was pretty clear that what she had in mind was at the tip of her tongue, but she had a really difficult time braving up and letting it out. I could see her eyes tearing up, but the atmosphere was still light and playful. We were both smiling and joking about the difficulty she was having..she admitted she had a bunch of speeches recited for that moment, but her brain/heart farts were taking over..she was nervous. Yet she kept bringing up the fact that she did not really deserve to say what she was about to say. Feeling almost completely okay with what happened between us, and even thankful in a way, I said there is nothing that both of us deserve or not deserve from each other. After all, we are not a couple anymore. Still, she must have been overwhelmed with guilt for all that happened and pushed herself to speak. At one point, I could taste the friend-zone speech coming. I'm not sure exactly what was said that induced the feeling, but I was prepared to face it.

 

It started with her asking me what made me give in and start talking and even meeting up with her after all her failed attempts at communicating with me. I told her that I felt that enough time had passed for me to pull things together on my end, and that maybe it would not be that bad after all. She thanked me, and then asked me why I thought our relationship didn't work out. I told her that there were several things I had in mind, but two of them were that 1) She eventually saw me as a friend and not a lover and 2) We were both unhappy in some form with the relationship. Then, she asked me if I was doing okay with what happened, and I said I was in some ways..that I was happy that it happened and that it may have been necessary. She then asked me if I did not want her to miss me. I again said it's not up to me to determine how she feels, to which she responded again that she did not feel that she had the right to miss me.

 

The transition into this next part is still blurry right now.. she stalled for a good 45 minutes before saying anything. Every time she was about to open her mouth, she teared up, sighed, and said sorry again. She even told me to go for a pee-break so she could put together what she wanted to say (I was blatantly holding it in ). I asked her what she was so afraid of and that I wouldn't judge her or anything. She said she was afraid of being rejected. So, somehow after she asked me some question, I ended up admitting that I did miss her. This probably helped her to finally let out what had to be said. At this point, I expected her to hear her say she wanted me back; friend-zoning couldn't be thisss hard. Then came this, in her tears and extreme difficulty speaking.

 

"You know how I was attracted to ____, right? I was really selfish and was experiencing a lot of different feelings. I ended up sleeping with him. It just happened that way bc that kinda stuff was sorta normal in my friend group. And I smoked too. I even ended up rolling (ecstacy) at (some event). I made a huge mistake and I really regret it. I was really selfish and wanted the perfect relationship. It wasn't, and I was selfishly unhappy with that. But I realized that no relationship can be perfect and that you are the best that I could find." **silence for a few minutes** "So that's why I kept reaching out to you. This isn't something I just started to randomly feel. I've felt this way for a while, and I thought about it so much. I want to be with you again."

 

---(Here's some background info on the falling apart of our relationship.) I don't want to address my moral/religious beliefs on this forum, but I hope it kind of makes sense. I had directed a feeling of uneasiness about some actions that are deemed "sinful" in my religion. I had expressed my discontent with her cursing, going to parties, drinking, etc when we went off to our respective colleges. Note that she goes to an art school, where a lot of "experimenting with the mind" is done. She had experienced a lot with this party-like lifestyle before getting together with me in senior year of high school and said that it was an easy way out from a past abusive/sexually-harassing relationship and that a lot of it was out of curiosity. So naturally, whenever something reminded me of her "past," I got really frustrated and even felt a sense of betrayal. I have to admit that I was extremely naive and judgmental, and I regret getting on her case so much. I gave her a lot of angry silent-treatment and showed the worst side of my passive-aggression with regards to this whole issue. I really showed her how insecure I was with our relationship. (End background info) ---

 

I thought hearing what she had to say would be really easy. I thought I'd hear that she felt attracted to the guy, maybe hooked up, but felt wrong about it all. But no. It wasn't easy at all. It was probably one of the hardest things I ever had to listen to. Smoking (weed) and taking ecstacy? Whatever, she's done it before. But giving up her heart and her BODY to another guy in such a short amount of time? Was it an act of TRYING to forget me? Sure I had thought about the possibility, but I don't know why.. I had previously guaranteed it to myself that she would not stoop that low to sleep with him. It just seemed like such a slutty thing to do. She's very attractive physically, but she's not a slut. Excuse my judgmentalism.

 

I sat in silence for a good 10-15 minutes, speechless, almost thoughtless. How could I give this girl another chance knowing that she slept with someone else? My feelings eventually started to feel numb; everything seemed so surreal.

 

After a bit, I felt the need to man up and just say something. I thanked her, "Thank you for being honest. Thanks for speaking out what's on your mind." She dejectedly responded, "Thanks for what? There's NOTHING you should be thanking me for." I said, "You telling me that there was another guy is what helped me move forward best. Otherwise, I would've sulked in sadness and false hope for so long. Thanks for giving me that opportunity." She was nearly bawling at this point, and kept nodding to what I said, saying sorry.

 

I then said, "I have no idea what to feel right now. I've got walls built up so high in here (my heart). How can I trust that you're not just feeling this? How can I know for sure that you wouldn't leave again? It's only been about 6 months. Not enough time has passed for us both to really know what we want. Is this what is meant for us? I don't know." She murmured weepingly, "I understand. I don't deserve you at all. I'll be okay if you hate me." (Clearly she wouldn't be okay.) After some more silence, she whispered, "I just want another chance with you.." I asked her, looking for a tangible answer, "Why do you want me back?" I admit that I put her on the spot by asking that, but all she could muster up out of her broken self was, "I just want to make you happy." I can kind of assume some of the concrete responses that she could have given me, but my guess is that she wasn't really in the right state to be answering any questions. She just replied, "Because it makes me happy." After some more silence, I said we were just sitting around at that point and said we should get going. She agreed, and we started walking towards my car.

 

I don't know if this was right for me to do, but I took her and silently embraced her for a good minute. She was crying really hard on my chest. It felt really good to hold her like that again. We had a pretty silent car ride home, and her sniffling died down a bit. As she was stepping out of my car, we hugged again, and she thanked me. I didn't know what to say.. I was about to tell her that I forgive her even though she hurt me, but I just said "Yup. Good night."

 

I'm glad I didn't say anything more though, because I really am unsure how I can process this. Can I ever truly forgive her? Can reconciliation happen when I know she slept with another guy? How do I know for sure that her feelings are genuine and not clouded with guilt or maybe just a lack of attention from anyone currently?

 

I still am attracted to her and have feelings for her, but I don't plan on taking her back for a while if I were to at all. I think 6 months is not enough time for us to figure out what we really want. I am so lost right now. What are some next steps I can take?

 

Thanks in advance everyone.

Edited July 25, 2012 by DisGai

[worldgonewrong]

I think you did the right thing.

 

Your next steps just involve you being comfortable with yourself, wrestling with what emotions to keep and what emotions to put aside. My guess is you've made great strides and you don't want to undermine your success in healing.

[ihateslowjams]

 

"You know how I was attracted to ____, right? I was really selfish and was experiencing a lot of different feelings. I ended up sleeping with him. It just happened that way bc that kinda stuff was sorta normal in my friend group. And I smoked too. I even ended up rolling (ecstacy) at (some event). I made a huge mistake and I really regret it. I was really selfish and wanted the perfect relationship. It wasn't, and I was selfishly unhappy with that. But I realized that no relationship can be perfect and that you are the best that I could find." **silence for a few minutes** "So that's why I kept reaching out to you. This isn't something I just started to randomly feel. I've felt this way for a while, and I thought about it so much. I want to be with you again."

 

 

I sat in silence for a good 10-15 minutes, speechless, almost thoughtless. How could I give this girl another chance knowing that she slept with someone else? My feelings eventually started to feel numb; everything seemed so surreal.

 

After a bit, I felt the need to man up and just say something. I thanked her, "Thank you for being honest. Thanks for speaking out what's on your mind." She dejectedly responded, "Thanks for what? There's NOTHING you should be thanking me for." I said, "You telling me that there was another guy is what helped me move forward best. Otherwise, I would've sulked in sadness and false hope for so long. Thanks for giving me that opportunity." She was nearly bawling at this point, and kept nodding to what I said, saying sorry.

 

I then said, "I have no idea what to feel right now. I've got walls built up so high in here (my heart). How can I trust that you're not just feeling this? How can I know for sure that you wouldn't leave again? It's only been about 6 months. Not enough time has passed for us both to really know what we want. Is this what is meant for us? I don't know." She murmured weepingly, "I understand. I don't deserve you at all. I'll be okay if you hate me." (Clearly she wouldn't be okay.) After some more silence, she whispered, "I just want another chance with you.." I asked her, looking for a tangible answer, "Why do you want me back?" I admit that I put her on the spot by asking that, but all she could muster up out of her broken self was, "I just want to make you happy." I can kind of assume some of the concrete responses that she could have given me, but my guess is that she wasn't really in the right state to be answering any questions. She just replied, "Because it makes me happy." After some more silence, I said we were just sitting around at that point and said we should get going. She agreed, and we started walking towards my car.

 

I don't know if this was right for me to do, but I took her and silently embraced her for a good minute. She was crying really hard on my chest. It felt really good to hold her like that again. We had a pretty silent car ride home, and her sniffling died down a bit. As she was stepping out of my car, we hugged again, and she thanked me. I didn't know what to say.. I was about to tell her that I forgive her even though she hurt me, but I just said "Yup. Good night."

 

I'm glad I didn't say anything more though, because I really am unsure how I can process this. Can I ever truly forgive her? Can reconciliation happen when I know she slept with another guy? How do I know for sure that her feelings are genuine and not clouded with guilt or maybe just a lack of attention from anyone currently?

 

I still am attracted to her and have feelings for her, but I don't plan on taking her back for a while if I were to at all. I think 6 months is not enough time for us to figure out what we really want. I am so lost right now. What are some next steps I can take?

 

Thanks in advance everyone.

 

Damn... I was at a carwash place waiting for my car to be finished while i was reading this. When i got to the part when she began to confess her feelings of reconciliation, their radio played "How Do I Live"-Leann Rimes and got me all teary eyed... WEAK!!!

 

anyways... my advice to you is, reconciliations can work, but only if you can let go of what happened during the time apart. If not, your inner demons will eat you up inside and eventually break the second attempt again.

 

You know yourself better than anyone. Is this something you can truly forgive? if so, then start over and go slowly. If you can't, then save yourself from a future heartbreak and explain to her (if you want to) why it wouldn't be a good idea to try again.

 

Thats just my opinion because thats something I think I would do if I was ever in your shoes (which I'm still wishing for).

[lemonlime]

I understand how your feeling. I know I would probably feel the same way. At the same time... six months is a long time. You guys were broken up. Both of you were free to do what you wanted with whoever you wanted. If it was gonna work you need to leave the old relationship and whatever else happened when you were apart in the past.

 

For me this has only worked when there has been significant time thats past. And when both of you have slept with other people, and had other relationships.

[Skalabanan]

Remember what I said in your previous thread about any reconciliation being a new relationship?

 

Well I think you should approach this the same way, some may say she acted on guilt but in my eyes what she did/told you tonight was very brave of her and her telling you was pretty epic, because lets be honest she could've quite easily hid some info from you.

 

Your heart will tell you what to do now, I wish you all the best you deserve it.

 

P.s I was welling up reading your post

[DisGai]

@worldgonewrong,

You are absolutely right that I've made great strides and I don't want to undermine my success in healing. Now I've got to consider what emotions are worth keeping. Thanks for this next step.

 

@ihateslowjams,

Let go, huh? It hurts to think about it right now, but I'm usually not one to hold pain/anger against someone for a long time. I will learn to forgive and forget. But to step back into a relationship--that..that.. I just do not know. But with regards to what you're wishing for, I hope that you'll find joy and contentment wherever you end up . (P.S. I listened to LeAnn Rimes' "How Do I Live"... I must say now that I hate slow jams as well...but love em at the same time..sigh )

 

@lemonlime,

I completely understand where you're coming from. We are not a couple and do not have any reservations for each other. But at the same time, we are both not the type to go around sleeping with people. So it hurt(s) and shocked me to hear that it happened, despite the fact that they are not in a committed relationship or anything. The truth effing hurts.

 

@Skalabanan,

Thank you for the continued support..it truly is therapeutic to hear the bright side of things. I have to agree that she was indeed very brave. I literally sat there in silence for a while, watching her muster up the courage to let out all her emotions and apologize. It did seem genuine, but my calloused heart is being very cautious right now.. I didn't think much of this, but it seems that I can't really afford/allow myself to get hurt.

[Pod81]

I commend you on thinking with your head, rather than your heart, and not blindly taking her back. You do have legitimate concerns that you mention below.

 

I'm glad I didn't say anything more though, because I really am unsure how I can process this. Can I ever truly forgive her? Can reconciliation happen when I know she slept with another guy? How do I know for sure that her feelings are genuine and not clouded with guilt or maybe just a lack of attention from anyone currently?

 

I am in agreement with you that 6 months is way too soon for someone to figure out what they want and understand what mature love is. A process like this takes not only years, but lots of life and dating experience. The first step in this process is recognition (and at least she does realize her mistakes) but how has she been proactive in becoming more mature? So far, she hasn't really given you any signs. Over the next few months or so, look at her actions rather than her words.

 

Based on your previous threads, I'm assuming you guys are around 20 years old, right? She's still at the age where she's very vulnerable to go back to the partying lifestyle, especially with being 21 right around the corner (Trust me, I know from experience). I can almost guarantee you that she may be bottoming out from the lifestyle she had the past 6 months, but still has one foot on one side of the (partying) door and the other foot on the other (normal) side. In other words...although things are starting to become clearer for her, she's still got some confusion that she needs to sort out.

 

The other thing she says that made me raise an eyebrow was that you were the "best she could find." I don't know about you, but that makes it sound like you're the fallback guy because all the guys she's dated afterwards have failed. How do you know that you're not just the rebound guy - the old, comfortable, secure option? What if you take her back and she DOES find someone she thinks is better than you? I think we all know the answer to that. If you were to ever reconcile in the future, I would make sure first that she's been single for AT LEAST 6 months. There are too many girls out there at that age who simply don't like being single and jump from guy to guy. Don't fall for her crying either - my ex cried saying she wanted to work things out, but we broke up anyway after a one month break. Listen to your gut feeling, that's why we've been equipped with this "sixth sense"...

 

Still, she must have been overwhelmed with guilt for all that happened and pushed herself to speak.

 

Remember that a true reconciliation only works when it's done out of mature love and NOT out of guilt. Like you, I suspect that there's definitely a lot of guilt involved. I would let her go again, be in EXTREME LC, and let her actions speak for themselves. If she truly loved you, she would understand your hesitation and would be willing to wait. I've read too many threads out there where a dumpee takes back a GIGS girl less than a year after the BU only to be dumped again a few months later.

[Exit]

I'm not seeing a whole lot that makes me think you guys belong together. Somewhat along the lines of what Pod81 said above, I don't think her partying ways are going to stop, and you sound like you have some high standards rooted in your religious beliefs and you'd be better off ending up with someone who is already aligned with those feelings. I also agree with Pod81 that the whole "best she could find speech" was a very badly failed attempt at flattery. She should have known you were the best and she should have wanted to make you happy before needing to pop some drugs in her system and sleep with other guys. Those things she said are nice to hear but what value does it really have now? When you care about someone, have you ever felt the need to go try a few other people first before committing? I know I never have.

 

If she wants to say what she did was a mistake, that's fine. She may truly believe that now. I see three roads you could take: not forgiving her, forgiving her but not dating again, or forgiving her and getting back together. Well, option 4 would be dating again without really taking the time to forgive her for what she did, but we all know that would be a disaster. Anyways, based on what I read here, I think you sound like a perfect candidate for door number 2, forgive this girl and encourage her to move on from her guilt, but there's no real reason to be together again. She'd be far from the first girl who ever claimed to have made a mistake with tears in her eyes and wanting another chance, just to hurt the same person all over again.

 

It's easy to look at things in terms of "maybe she just hasn't met anyone great yet so now she wants you again", but in a similar fashion, we should ask if maybe you haven't spent a lot of time trying to find anyone better, and here you are starting to consider taking this girl back. Boredom and lonliness might be part of her motivation but deep down it might also be a large part of what is driving you. If you had met some amazing girl over the past few months, would it even be a consideration to take someone back who had hurt you like this? Probably not. I ask myself this a lot in an effort to keep moving on from my ex. I know if I could meet someone new/better I wouldn't miss her so much, and my lonliness is just making me think I still miss that ex.

 

At the very least, as you've already said, I think your answer should be no for the time being because not enough time has passed. And I really think with the passage of a few more months, it'll either become clearer to you that you don't need her, or she'll run off and do something that proves she wasn't all that serious about wanting you back anyway. If this situation manages to beat all the odds; if you still think you want her in a few months, and if she continues to prove through her actions that she truly thinks she made a mistake and is still interested at a later date, then maybe it's worth thinking about.

[leoc1973]

I don't know man, this girl has been pretty much chasing you for what? 4 months? Its not on a whim she is seriously wanting you back.

 

Young girls are impressionable and guys(and their girlfriends) get into their heads. Some of those guys know all the right things to say and it really works for them. She had a moment of weakness. Don't let the drug excuse fly tho because she had her eye on that guy for a while and if I am reading correctly... she was single! That means she can do whatever she wants with whomever she wants. Just be glad she didn't go through half the campus cause lots of girl go a little crazy in college.

 

You are not going to find a girl on the planet that something in their past doesn't drive you nuts. You are going to have a hard time finding a virgin and even if you did who wants one? A girl who will always wonder what another man is like. If you were to find out inner dark secrets of any girl you date, its gonna gross you out/drive you nuts. The passive agressive thing is a way to get someone to act the way you want them to. You want a girl with a mind of her own.

 

I say give it another chance. Look at it this way. She got it out of her system? She is young and at an art school where kids your age are going nuts and experimenting with pretty much every thing you can think of.

 

You have to ask yourself this tho. Did you put her through enough hell to "teach her a lesson" as crappy as it sounds she needs to know that next time she gets a little tickle in her panties for anther guy that she will lose you for good. Do you still love her and miss her just as much as day 1 of the breakup? If so then what do you really have to lose? Nothing! Because you aren't any bit over her as you were when the breakup happened. If you are almost over her already at month 6 then she's not for you because a true love takes a lot longer to get over than 6 months.

 

Without trying to insult you. Don't be too prudish. Everyone loves sex! Everyone has bad thoughts. You should definitely give her a lot of credit for not just cheating on you.

 

Oh and one more thing. What if this guy that she left you for was still around? Who would she pick? Did she break up with him? You should never ever be someone's plan B!

 

And is she still experimenting with drugs? I have never done it but I hear extasy makes it really easy to wanna have sex with pretty much anyone.

 

Make sure her intentions are pure and you are not just the comfortable fall back ex and if you really mean so much to her then give it another shot.

[DisGai]

Thank you everyone for your responses. Hearing different perspectives is always invaluable words of caution and advice.

 

Now I see that a couple of you are analyzing the choice of words that I have portrayed her to have said. I must say that I've made a mistake. She did not quite say that I'm the "best she could find," but rather, that I was so good to her, but she was selfishly seeking a perfect relationship and thus took me for granted.. I may have pessimistically engraved it into my own mind that I'm the "best she could find". Perhaps I should have included a disclaimer that the written conversation is not 100% accurate, although I was hoping that it was slightly assumed .

 

-----

 

@Pod81,

You say that I should look at her actions and not her words, and I completely agree. Is there anything specific that I should be on the lookout for? At this point, I believe she handed me the right to make the decision for the both of us, so what could she possibly try to do that might reflect her genuineness?

 

With regards to the partying lifestyle that you mention she may be holding onto, it's really not a serious thing. I don't want to sound like I'm defending her case, but unfortunately, I was overly sensitive about a lot of things that made her feel unnecessarily restricted/controlled.

 

Amen to "If she truly loved you, she would understand your hesitation and would be willing to wait." It could not be stated any better, thank you.

 

-----

 

@Exit,

Once again, her "partying lifestyle" is really quite insignificant. From what it seemed in the past, she wasn't a raging mess who wanted to get wasted every weekend. She liked to party to socialize with friends/meet new people and drank moderately. While we were dating, she did admit that smoking up and rolling were things she looked down upon, having experienced it all before we started dating. In other words, she had me believing that she'd stay away from drugs, not that I demanded/enforced it. When she was telling me she took ecstasy, she did point out that it occurred on a single event. So I can safely assume that she didn't take it often, if at all, after that single event. Regardless, I feel betrayed knowing that she never told me while we were dating.

 

I definitely have been thinking about that for the longest time: to find someone who is aligned with my beliefs/feelings. And I did find someone appealing to me temporarily. But to be honest, she generally is aligned with my same religious, moral, and world beliefs. We do have some differences, mainly about drinking, but whatever, because we're both turning 21 within some months, and I'd be okay with her moderately drinking to socialize with friends. Because I plan to anyways . Anyways, I can say that she is not as deeply rooted as I am with some of my beliefs, but she definitely has wanted/wants to be aligned with me.

 

With regards to searching for "better" candidates, I agree, and I have tried. I've forced myself to disregard my emotions and believe that she wasn't "the one" for me.. she left me and broke my heart. And I did find someone else. I looked forward to being in the presence of this person, and really, I was quite shocked that I seemed to have "forgotten" about my EX. But it was probably just a rebound.

 

In the end, thinking through it very logically, my EX left me because we just were not in the right state to be dating. It was equally our fault that the relationship didn't work out, although she currently claims that it was all due to her selfish wrongdoings. Yes she did lose attraction for me and got attracted to someone else (who was chasing her), but it was probably because I was unmanly and stagnant.. Unmanly meaning she didn't see me as the "masculine alpha figure" of the relationship. She was my first, and I was basically a big noob, but I've learned my lesson.

 

You are absolutely correct about this: "in a passage of a few more months, it'll either become clearer to you that you don't need her, or she'll run off and do something that proves she wasn't all that serious about wanting you back anyway." I will definitely wait/think it out for a while before anything happens. Perhaps I'll find out that she really wasn't all that serious.

 

-----

 

@leoc1973,

 

She hasn't really been chasing me for 4 months. I'd say she was emotionally confused for a while until maybe two months ago?

 

I'm not sure what you mean by putting her through enough hell to "teach her a lesson". Are you talking about how serious I was about going NC and ignoring her? Then, yes, possibly. I blatantly ignored her requests to talk to me, and I made sure that I didn't show any interest in getting her back. Even during our talk two nights ago, I didn't quite show my weakness, except maybe when I hugged her and let her cry on me. But perhaps she might just think I felt bad for her crying self and wanted to comfort her.

 

If I do happen to take her back, boundaries will definitely be set. I'm not so sure about directly telling her that she'd be a goner the moment she got another "tickle in her panties" for someone else though. Is that something that must be addressed, or would it be an assumed agreement?

 

I must say that I disagree with you that she's a "true love" only if I miss her just as much as I did on day 1 of the breakup. I believe that forgetting about an EX and moving on could be much more valuable to a future reconciliation than holding onto hope for all this time, because if my EX did happen to spark my interests for a second time, it'd show my true attraction for her. Let's just say that I'm not fully at that point just yet, but it does feel good to have a girl on my tail, and I do miss her, or maybe I just miss the relationship. We'll see.. we'll just have to see.

Edited July 26, 2012 by DisGai

[leoc1973]

Oh I am sorry I mistyped or was tired or whatever. What I meant is present tense. She needs to know that this is it. She needs to know that the chance of losing you for good is a very real possibility. I had an ex that no matter what she did to me or who she cheated on me with(over and over) She could come and turn on the tears and I would cave every time. So obviously at the risk of sounding "Pavlovian" What I was teaching her that there were no boundaries. Like the dog that salivated every time he heard the bell I taught her that every time she cried she would get me back. I guess what I am saying is don't do what I did. My ex would cry and bam that was it she got me back. As crappy and game playing as it sounds and as much as I can see just through your typing you are an intelligent and well thought out person and it may sound really petty but lessons must be taught.

[DisGai]

She needs to know that the chance of losing you for good is a very real possibility.

 

I'm sure she can really feel my hesitation right now. But if I do end up taking her back, she might think she has me "in the bag" again.

 

What are some tangible actions that would reflect that she could lose me for good if she screws up? Would I just have to tell her that straight up?

 

I want to avoid any direct commands or implementations of boundaries if possible.. but I don't really know how else the point can be made and engraved in her skull.

[Pod81]

When I say you should look at her actions, you should look at how she's living her life. Although you say that her partying lifestyle is insignificant, she should know that it bothers you and if she truly cared, she would keep it in moderation. Tell her you appreciate the fact that she think she's made a mistake, but you need time to think things through. Again, this is because I believe 6 months is too soon to emotionally mature. If she loves you, she would understand and cool it with the excessive contact like she's a lost puppy. In other words, her actions should demonstrate love and understanding rather than selfish desperation and need.

 

When you believe that the time is right, you have to make her work for reconciliation because she's the one who DUMPED YOU. I hate games personally, but you can't have her believe she can just waltz right into your life whenever, wherever she wants. You say that you don't want to implement boundaries, but this is something that YOU MUST DO. As the GIGS dumpee, reconciliation has to be on YOUR TERMS and you have to let her know that you won't accept anything less. Otherwise, you'll just turn into her doormat and she'll be free to walk all over you again. You have the ball in your court now and you should keep it at that way. Besides, girls like guys who take control!! Best of luck!

Edited July 27, 2012 by Pod81

[DisGai]

Tell her you appreciate the fact that she think she's made a mistake, but you need time to think things through. If she loves you, she would understand and cool it with the excessive contact like she's a lost puppy.

 

That sounds about right, thank you. Definitely will go with the flow and spend a lot of time thinking and meditating about my decision.

 

When you believe that the time is right, you have to make her work for reconciliation because she's the one who DUMPED YOU. You say that you don't want to implement boundaries, but this is something that YOU MUST DO.

 

If I get to that point, I do want to implement boundaries, but I'm not so sure about directly stating them. Do I really need to just say, "This is what you can and cannot do. You're not allowed to be friends with that guy. Don't smoke up. Don't do X, but go do Y."? Well, without sounding as demanding, I guess.

[DisGai]

Some Updates:

 

I've seen her for 3 consecutive days. Our chemistry is still pretty evident.. lots of laughter, lame jokes, etc, and it's definitely making me miss us being together. But I think I've gotta stop.

 

---

The first day, on Friday, my friend invited everyone over (including the EX) to bum/chill. She showed up a bit later, and our interactions weren't any different to each other as they were to our other friends. Everything was normal, except maybe the fact that we were the last ones to leave, and I gave her a ride home. But then again, I live the closest to her, so it'd be normal for me to give her the ride. Anyways, it was all friendly.

 

---

Saturday, our friends went out for lunch/chilling at a park. This time, she texted me asking when I was going and if I could give her a ride, so I did. It rained so we didn't go to the park but ended up at a friend's house and again.. bummed/chilled haha. Later, a handful of us gathered to eat dinner, and we suggested that we watch a movie at someone's house. Somehow, it ended up being just me, the EX, and the host's house lol... I guess we were the ones to suggest watching it anyways. The friend ended up falling asleep so we just watched the movie on our own basically. As expected, we sat apart and nothing happened. But as I was dropping her off, she extended out a hug that was clearly effortful. It wasn't awkward or anything, but it just didn't feel like a normal friendly gesture haha.

 

Later that night, she texted me asking if I wanted to go to church with her the next morning, but I declined, saying I promised to go elsewhere with a friend. She then asked me if she was being annoying, then proceeded to say that it's probably annoying that she's asking that. I knew what she was talking about but asked her anyways, "For what haha." She asked me if I just wanted her as a friend. Sort of expected, bc I was hanging out with her but wasn't cracking out any romantic gestures. I just said we should talk later cus it was late, and she agreed.

 

---

Today, I ended up waking up too late to go to the aforementioned church with my friend, so I texted her asking when her church's service was. She offered to give me a ride, but I said I'd be a bit late so I got there on my own (we sat next to each other). After church, we asked each other what we were doing and decided to grab some lunch. It was a pleasant meal as usual.

 

Then she initiated that we "talk," and both of us knew/know exactly what "talk" we are supposed to have. She wants to know what I'm thinking now that she left the decision to me. The weather was nice out, so I took us to the nearby pier that we used to walk along.. nice walk, nice view, nice weather, it was perfect. So we got there, and it rained. LOL. Yeah, so that failed. But we still had fun, joked around, and I did notice she was getting touchy, punching me (as a joke), etc. Not gonna lie, it was nice and I gladly accepted, but I didn't reciprocate. I realized that it was a little too much, so I just drove her home. She wanted to be with me more and talk, but I said we'd talk later. "When's later?" "I don't know haha."

 

So I went back home and she texted me again, saying hi, compiling various iPhone emoji's to make messages (example.. umbrella + thumbs down + sad face = it rained, that sucks, and she's sad). Flirting basically. I sorta returned the flirtiness with the emoji's until she sent one that basically implied that she misses me. It's been a good hour and a half, and I didn't respond, so she clearly knows that I'm just not responding haha.

 

---

Yeah...so.. I'm planning on keeping it a bit more LC. I hate to be playing games, but I really do need to remind her that I am still hesitant about all of this. Well, to be honest, my emotional side wants to take her back right away, but I'm letting my rational side take over. I think I'll give it until Tuesday until I give her "the talk".

 

Here are some things I might be saying/asking:

1) It's only been a matter of some months during which you've jumped from me to the other guy back to me, so that leads me to..

2) Why me? Why not the other guy? How do you know for sure that it's me you really want?

3) We need more time to figure things out. We need to be single and independent, then we'll really know what we want.

*4) Can we do long distance again?

 

*I'm not so sure about #4. I'm probably going to hold off on this for later just as we decide to get back together (if it happens).

 

I expect her to say that she knows what she wants though. From what she had said, she's been struggling with this issue/thinking about it for a while (I guess ever since she started contacting me 4.5 months ago). Now on my end, I can honestly say that I want to take her back. The thing that's holding me back is the uncertainty I have for the relationship; she might just leave me again.

 

I'm gonna be truthful here though... I can't really picture that happening.. it was a very surreal thing for me (and probably for her) to leave me; I clearly was/am very important to her, and it does seem like she doesn't want to lose me.

 

But I know I need to take caution. There still might be the possibility that this is out of guilt. Out of looking for comfort. Out of her thinking that I'm always available for her to take back.

 

How does my situation look right now? Thanks a lot

[leoc1973]

Hmm I don't know about the guilt thing. I know that sometimes a girl will wanna stay friends out of some sort of guilt but I find it hard to believe that a girl will actually go so far as to enter a relationship with someone because they feel guilty. That just seems like too big of a step just to ease someone's pain. Obviously the guilt didn't stop her from leaving in the first place.

 

Comfort? Well yeah we all get into relationships for comfort. But I see nothing wrong with someone getting back with you for comfort because its just a given that comfort is what we are seeking. If she has nothing else going on right now and that is what you mean then I might be a little more reserved.

 

But the last thing you said is what I would be very worried about. I don't know her or her personality but if she thinks she can come running back anytime she wants and you will always take her back then she has nothing to lose if someone piques her interest again. Just be sure she knows somehow without being so confrontational about it.

[DisGai]

But the last thing you said is what I would be very worried about. I don't know her or her personality but if she thinks she can come running back anytime she wants and you will always take her back then she has nothing to lose if someone piques her interest again. Just be sure she knows somehow without being so confrontational about it.

 

Yup that's what I am most worried about too. I can't really see it happening, but there is that possibility. So yeah, I'll need to enforce that somehow.

[lemonlime]

If I get to that point, I do want to implement boundaries, but I'm not so sure about directly stating them. Do I really need to just say, "This is what you can and cannot do. You're not allowed to be friends with that guy. Don't smoke up. Don't do X, but go do Y."? Well, without sounding as demanding, I guess.

 

I think that if you do decide to try again, it does need to be blunt and spelled out. What your expectations are, what you need, what the consequences are if something similar were to happen again. NEVER figure anything in a relationship is assumed. If you dont talk about it, assume its ok. When two people go on a break and dont talk about it... one person may assume its ok to sleep with other people because theyre on a break, the other the opposite. How can either get upset if it were never discussed? Similar to when you start dating someone... spell it all out.

 

On another note, if you decide to try again, I would suggest starting it out like a new relationship. After you talk about whats above, leave her actual actions in the past. Start dating again. Take it really slow. Like a date a week. Dont start texting and calling all the time. Your trying to build a new foundation. You dont want what you had before... it didnt work. You dont want the same relationship, you want a better one. Do that for two or three months... make sure things really are different, and not just on the surface. After that amount of time who she really is at that point should show. Then talk about actually officially getting back together.

 

You dont want to rush into it just to have it fall apart again

[DisGai]

On another note, if you decide to try again, I would suggest starting it out like a new relationship. After you talk about whats above, leave her actual actions in the past. Start dating again. Take it really slow. Like a date a week. Dont start texting and calling all the time. Your trying to build a new foundation. You dont want what you had before... it didnt work. You dont want the same relationship, you want a better one. Do that for two or three months... make sure things really are different, and not just on the surface. After that amount of time who she really is at that point should show. Then talk about actually officially getting back together.

 

You dont want to rush into it just to have it fall apart again

 

I do plan on proceeding like this. There's a catch though.. we'll be off to our respective schools in a month and a half.

 

At that point, I'd have to be in either of these two positions:

1) In a new relationship with her and trusting her again.

2) Be working at it very slowly and cautiously.. or perhaps, "testing" her until December, which is when I'd next see her.

 

I'm supposed to sit down and talk to her tonight, so I'll post an update later.

[DisGai]

So the EX and I went out for dessert last night. The night started out fun and comfortable as always. Even the transition into "the talk" was jokingly awkward/funny to say the least. End result? Let time pass and we'll see. My thoughts? Same as before, but with a little extra hope/trust. Hers? Confusion.

 

---

Anyways, it started out sort of like an interrogation on my end towards her. I began by asking her "Why do you want me back?" In an adorably awkward way, she said "I miss you." So I asked why, and she responded "Because you're honestly the only person I feel 100% comfortable with. I can 'be me' in your presence, just the way I can 'be me' when I'm just by myself."

 

There was silence for a bit. Then, I asked her, "But isn't 'comfort' exactly what you found in someone else which led you to leave? You told me it just felt 'comfortable' and easy talking to him." The next thing she said really changed my perspective on a lot of this: "Comfort isn't what ended it. If anything, I thought we were too comfortable, a bit like the way we are right now, but the difference was that we were at a point where I thought we wouldn't grow in a relationship. I just felt that at that current state, we were stuck, and it wouldn't work out in the long run. So I ended it, and I tried so hard to try to forget you. I was stupid and just let things happen without thinking about anything.." I said I agreed that it was not a growing relationship.

 

There was some more silence. I then asked her some more about her current feelings, "How do you know these feelings aren't just temporary. I mean, your feelings bounced back and forth between me and someone else within a matter of a few months." She answered, "Because they were the same all along. I tried to 'forget you' and 'move on', but obviously I couldn't. But I knew my feelings (for the other guy) were just temporary and nothing else. Things happened because I was stupid and wasn't thinking straight, and I hurt myself because of that. So that's why I kept reaching out to you. "

 

Again, we were silent for a bit. She then asked me, "What's bothering you most right now?" I told her, "..Knowing that you let things happen the way they did to end up hurting yourself. I say this not out of anger on my end, but for your own sake and your own good. How could you let things happen the way they did if you knew your feelings (for him) were temporary? How could you give yourself up like that?" (I was mostly addressing how she gave up her heart and body to another guy. I didn't have the balls to directly state that though.) She dejectedly whimpered again, "I was just stupid and didn't think. I was unhappy. I made a horrible mistake. And what hurts me the most is knowing that I completely lost your trust."

 

Here I was thinking that she left me for these two main reasons:

1) Because she was seriously attracted by the other guy, and saw a future with him.

2) Because I wasn't firm/supportive enough in the relationship.

 

Thinking mainly about #1, I asked her again, "Why me? Why me... and not.. the other guy?" I guess she wasn't expecting this kind of question and first responded chuckling, "I..don't know.. It's not that I don't know why, but I don't know where to start.." After some stalling, she said, "Because I know you will give me your all. I know you truly loved me and cared for me. Your personality.. your mindset.. You're blah, blah, blah, and you comforted/supported me, blah, blah, and you're just a really good person. I know that. I regret ending it, I was stupid, and I just want another chance..." (Felt like I didn't need to include all the flattering things she said about me . It felt good hearing it for myself though ).

 

But I have to say that what really affected me was the fact that she said her feelings were the same all along and that she was looking at us in the long run. She took the risk of ending the relationship then so that it might work out in the future. And she did end the relationship telling me that she knew I'd be somewhere in her life in the future. But I disregarded the fact that she said that for my own sake.

 

Still, I directed my uncertainty and hesitation towards her and said, "I just don't know if enough time has passed for you to really be emotionally stable and know what you want. And the same goes for me."

 

So after some more silence, she asked me what was on my mind. I said I just think we need more time to know for sure what we want, and she responded, "I'll do what you want." We left our conversation at that and started driving back home for a pretty silent ride (minus her sniffling).

 

As we neared her home, she asked me, "Can I just ask you something? What was your mindset after.. it was over?" I had an idea what she meant by that but asked anyways, "I'm not sure what you're asking." She then asked, "You know how I told you to move on? Did you?" I said, "I thought I did. But I guess not." We left it at that and said goodbye (No hugs. She kinda stepped out in grief/slight frustration(?). Looked like she just wanted to cry some more.)

 

She texted me later, "Are you still trying to move on? Should I keep trying?" Then sent another, "I do believe that whatever happens will happen but at the same time I want to believe that if you make an effort and pray for something, it will happen too, whether it be healing or strengthening of a relationship." "What I'm saying is I'm afraid and don't know what to do- do I try not to think about it to lessen the hurt, try to move on and pray for healing, or do I just wait and hope?" "I know praying for wisdom is the key to all this but still, I don't know what to do." I told her, "Go with the flow and take it slow. That rhymed. But you're right, pray for yourself." Lol @ rhyme joke...

 

At that point in the night, I was feeling that her emotions truly seem genuine, and that I'm pretty sure I will take her back. But I still want more time to pass. By my saying "take it slow," what I tried to infer was that we should walk this through slowly and allow it to develop into a new relationship naturally (if it will), but she probably didn't catch that. She sent another message, "You said you thought you were over me, what made you unsure now?" I said, "Probably because I still care for you." She responded, "That's the only thing?" I fell asleep before I could respond, and she had sent me, "Sorry, you should go to sleep, you need rest. Good night."

 

So right now, she's left confused. I never explicitly told her that I still have deep feelings for her. She did mention again that if I didn't want anything, she'd understand.

 

Me? I'm gonna have to say that I want her back, but I still want more time to pass. Should we just see each other every once in a while? Or just go NC..? I guess I'm a bit confused too.

Edited July 31, 2012 by DisGai

[steelgator]

If you go no contact she's going to think you are uninterested because she made it obvious she wants you back and she is unsure if you want her back. You have to make it known dude. Text her little nice things once a day or so and then try and set up another date, but go slow.

[ihateslowjams]

sorry, i don't have any advice for you here since i have no experience on what you're in, but man... congrats on at least getting to this stage.

 

Very envious of you at the moment hahaha =T

[Skalabanan]

If I was in this girls position and I'd realised I'd ****ed up and pretty much begged and opened my heart for reconciliation and my ex went NC, I would give up hope.

 

I wouldn't move on too someone else but I'd certainly lose hope and begin to plan and live life without them.

 

I know everything she said wasn't 100% ideal but for me personally I don't think she could've done much more to get you back.

 

I would go for it dude, lifes to short to wonder what if, she clearly loves you and you love her but don't let fear of the future cloud your decision.

 

You've acted so well throughout all of this dude, whatever you decide to do you have moved on leaps and bounds and you'll be happy whatever happens.

 

All the best, keep us updated.

[DisGai]

If I was in this girls position and I'd realised I'd ****ed up and pretty much begged and opened my heart for reconciliation and my ex went NC, I would give up hope.

 

I wouldn't move on too someone else but I'd certainly lose hope and begin to plan and live life without them.

 

I know everything she said wasn't 100% ideal but for me personally I don't think she could've done much more to get you back.

 

I would go for it dude, lifes to short to wonder what if, she clearly loves you and you love her but don't let fear of the future cloud your decision.

 

You've acted so well throughout all of this dude, whatever you decide to do you have moved on leaps and bounds and you'll be happy whatever happens.

 

All the best, keep us updated.

 

I was hoping I'd hear something like this.. thanks

 

I made an attempt to "reach out" to her last night, asking her if she wanted to watch that Total Recall movie coming out this weekend.. so I hope she finds that as some sort of hint

[Kovalchoke]

I've read countless threads where everyone have suggested to move on completely and thats when your ex will truely start to miss you again and want to come back.

 

You haven't gotten over your ex but she still came back which makes me wonder what i should do. Your situation is almost the same as mine with the ex partying and hooking up with other guys