I believe in second chances..

[LifeGoesOnMan]

Hi guys, I'm gonna try to make this short and sweet the best I can.

 

I started dating this girl back when I was 19, she was 17 and we actually met off myspace believe it not, decided to meet up & instantly connected, it only took 3 dates for us to "hook up" (the real "hook-up") and we where inseparable for 2 years, with me driving back and forth about 45 min away to see her, sleep,over her house, etc. At the time her parent where sorta messed up, her dad an alcoholic and her mom messing around with "other" drugs, and it got to the point where she got kicked out of both of her homes due to no real fault of hers, at the time I was still living at home and I decided to move out and get an apartment with her along with 2 roommates.. I also got her a stable job working for the same company I work for, and things where great. we did everything together, literally everything., and it was all good for the next 3 years.. We where as close as two people could be and never really wanted to be apart, the sex was great, we went on multiple vacations, had mutual friends and all hung out together, everything was swell. I am now 25, she is 23, and the "togetherness" the last 2 years seemed to be catching up to us. In short, I myself became lazy, played too many video games, went to sleep when I wanted, whether or not she was going to bed, etc. she, in my own defense, nagged and complained and I compromised on things, showed some effort but felt I shouldn't have to completely stop doing things I liked to do because she didnt like them, she on the other hand really showed no effort to keep me interested either , we had fought a few times about diffrent things and I felt we had come to a point where we had smothered each other for so long , we started to lose interest in each other...7 years later..

 

So comes about 2 weeks ago now, where it finally came to a head when I asked my girlfriend why she was being particularly distant that day, she gave me the dreaded "we need to talk" line, and we waited to speak about it til we got home (keep in mind, we work together, email each other all day, etc.) she said she really felt we needed to take a break and that she wanted to stay at her dads house for a few days...I was a little shocked, really not thinking it had come to the point where she wanted to actually leave, and although I didnt cry or become overly emotional, I did ask her a few times to please stay and let us try and work things out without her actually leaving, and it took her about an hour to build up enough nerve to actually go, (we sorta sat there in silence while she decided if she was staying or going). it was hard watching her grab enough stuff to get through a few days , really hoping this would be a one day thing, but it wasnt. She left that night and I watched her drive away, she was crying and I felt like my heart was underneath her tire as she drove off. we didnt talk the rest of the night though I did send her a text asking her to drive safe and telling her I love her (she didnt reply). We did see each other at work the next day and we sorta emailed back and forth telling each other we felt, that we didnt want to break up and to give a few days. I asked her to dinner a day later and she agreed. It was nice, nothing fancy but not TGIF either , and she decided to come home after..

 

Now I thought this was the end, and I tried again to make an effort to let her know I loved her and wanted it to work, but the next few days she was again very distant, didnt want to snuggle or kiss me and I knew she wasn't happy, so I felt the need to confront her again about how she was feeling, and she crushed me by saying she loved me but she just wasnt feeling the same connection we had before, that her feelings had changed but she didnt want to completely break up or , but that she just wanted space. Now I myself, feeling that she really wanted to break up with me but that she just couldn't build up enough nerve to say it , i just finally said if you don't feel the connection anymore why don't we just end it (thinking that maybe the finality of it would maybe snap her out of it) but she decided to leave, grabbed more of her stuff , and although this time I didnt beg or plead for her to stay, I couldn't watch her leave so I had to go outside while she gathered more clothes. we hugged when she was done and I asked her not to move on too quickly and clear out her head and she smiled and said she wouldn't. I drank that night to say the least. she took the next day after off from work to come and get the rest of her belongings and finally move out, but as I sat at work I had asked one of the roommates to check if she had come by yet, and she had, took more clothes (yes this girl has a ***** load of clothes) but didnt take EVERYTHING, and left alot of her stuff here keeping me in limbo not knowing what to think..

 

she left me a letter however, stating that this was as hard for her as it was for me , that she felt that leaving for a while and giving herself space was the best thing to do, that she was given an ultimatum of either staying and trying to work it out or breaking up and because she wasnt feeling the same as she had before, she decided to leave, but that I was her best friend and that she didnt want to lose me, and she was willing to take it slow for now and see how things went from here. She also left me lyrics to a song saying "this is not the end, i will see you again" which had me thinking she was having some second thoughts. I called her when I got home and told her that I wanted to work things out, that I felt she just couldn't say she wanted to break up so I just went ahead and said it, but that I was willing to try and take things slow and see what happens, Now I made it clear for her to just tell me whether or not she wanted to see other people, and that if she did that she needs to just say so and not mess around because I would never do it to her, and she assured me she didnt want to see other people, but to take things slow with each other and try and to find that connection again. I agreed, she has been staying at her dads, and over the next week or so we had limited contact, but still texted or called each other atleast once a day or more, and just let each other hang out with friends and do our own things. Now I controlled myself from texting and calling her, waiting for her to text me, keeping it short and sweet, no I love yous or mushy stuff, just checking in mostly, and at work we had very limited contact as well, going almost the whole day without emailing or talking to each other. I knew about the No Contact/Low Contact way of going but it really couldn't be fully applied to my situation because 1) i see her everyday and 2) we havent really "broke up" for say, so I did my best to keep it short and sweet as best as possible.

 

Now recently the last two days she has started to text me more often, and we have been talking back and forth almost all day at work through email..nothing about the relationship but just talking about different things that where going on in each other lives, basically trying to "re-connect" through causal conversation...however she asked if i wanted to go to dinner and i said yes, on thursday this week. we did not however text/call each other after work yesterday, but again all day today at work we emailed back and forth, again nothing mushy , and she said I could decide which restaurant we wanted to go to...

 

So here I am, writing this post, wondering what I should do from here? Do I pull out all the stops, and buy her something nice to give her at dinner? Do I choose a super romantic restaurant or something more causal? What should I say? Do I try to get her back here and now, or do I keep taking it slow? Just wanted some opinions on which way I should go from here?

 

Sorry that wasnt very short & sweet lol.

[LifeGoesOnMan]

*UPDATE*

 

yesterday after work, she went out to dinner with one of her friends from work (a female). after leaving they got into a car accident, narrowly avoiding injury, and they where both ok, but shooken up. She immediately called me and told me what happened, how shook up she was, and we talked for an hour or so. I felt i almost blew it, because i couldnt help myself but ask if she really hadnt been seeing anyone else, and that i noticed she changed her facebook profile pic and a few people had commented on it, and i thought i had saw her texting one of the people who had "liked" her picture (a guy) at work when i walked by, but she denied it (said she was texting a girlfriend of hers) and said she hadnt been seeing anyone else at all, and got a little emotional that i was asking her about that, but i just told her i didnt want to hold anything back and just wanted to be upfront and honest about everything from here on in. I told her I really didnt think she was with anyone else, and assured her i trusted her, she seemed ok after that, we moved on from that subject and continued to talk for awhile, and before hanging up i told her I loved her, and she said it back (which was the first time i had said it in the last week or so). This morning she texted me when she woke up (she is off from work today) and we have been texting back forth casually this morning...

 

just hoping these are all good signs, and whether or not i should make my move to try and get her back at dinner tomorrow..

[Chi townD]

Hmmm.... this one has me stumped a little. I think she might have the case of the GIGS (Grass is Greener Syndrome). And usually with GIGS, they tend to get upset when you contact them because you're invading their space to explore new things and new people. So, it's kinda strange. She may not be seeing anyone right now. So, she wouldn't be lying. But, there might be a possibility that she's INTERESTED in someone else and she's going to see if there's interest on his part. It's easier for her to work this if she can inform the dude that she's not with anyone right now and even moved out of her boyfriends place. If he's not interested, then she's got you as a back up plan.

 

I think, in your case, you should apply the 180 as much as you can. Usually, the 180 is designed for cheaters. But, for you, it would probably still apply because you're dealing with a girl that's trying to disengage from the relationship. The 180 is as follows:

 

1. Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
   
2. No frequent phone calls.
   
3. Don't point out "good points" in marriage.
   
4. Don't follow her/him around the house.
   
5. Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.
   
6. Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.
   
7. Don't ask for reassurances.
   
8. Don't buy or give gifts.
   
9. Don't schedule dates together.
   
10. Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.
    
11. Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!
    
12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.
    
13. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!
    
14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to!
    
15. If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.
    
16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them!
    
17. Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.
    
18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.
    
19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!
    
20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!
    
21. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
    
22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!
    
23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!
    
24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.
    
25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.
    
26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.
    
27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.
    
28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.
    
29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!
    
30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.
    
31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"
    
32. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.
    
33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW."
    

Now, some bullet points are about cheaters. So, just ignore those. And apply to what you can.

Edited June 5, 2013 by Chi townD

[LifeGoesOnMan]

thanks for your replies guys, enotalone was not very helpful.

 

yea and its super hard because i work with her and see her everyday, she also left half of her **** at my place still while we figured this out...i really need to know what i should say or do tomorrow @ dinner, and what kind of place i should be taking her too..because if there is a chance i can save this now, i want too...

[Chi townD]

Okay look,

 

You're going out to dinner with her. If you do, don't worry about the past and don't talk about the future. Just keep everything light, normal conversation. Just go out with the intent of enjoying the meal and nothing more. Don't talk about the relationship at all. If she brings it up, keep your answer short and CHANGE THE SUBJECT!

 

If you talk about the relationship and if the conversation turns tense, then she won't want to do this again. If the meal was a pleasant experience, then she may want to do it again in the future. Once the meal is done, then the date is done. Go home.

[LifeGoesOnMan]

ok, will do. man i hate this ****.. really thinking no hope on a reconciliation tho? and do i dare say anything else about "seeing other people"? should i be thinking about seeing other people myself at this point? its only been about 2 weeks..

[Chi townD]

ok, will do. man i hate this ****.. really thinking no hope on a reconciliation tho? and do i dare say anything else about "seeing other people"? should i be thinking about seeing other people myself at this point? its only been about 2 weeks..

 

You're beating a dead horse. You've asked her two or three times already. You're gonna piss her off. I would recommend that after the dinner. YOU do not text her or call her at all! Let her be the first to reach out to you. Personally, I think she's trying to set you up for the friend zone. So, inquire here first before you respond to anything of hers so you can get an outsiders perspective.

Edited June 5, 2013 by Chi townD

[LifeGoesOnMan]

You're beating a dead horse. You've asked her two or three times already. You're gonna piss her off. I would recommend that after the dinner. YOU do not text her or call her at all! Let her be the first to reach out to you. Personally, I think she's trying to set you up for the friend zone. So, inquire here first before you respond to anything of hers so you can get an outsiders perspective.

 

ok i understand, thanks man and will do, and if she trying to set me up for the friend zone? accept it? or tell her i just cant? (because i really dont think i can)

[LifeGoesOnMan]

Update*

 

She hasn't texted me at all since yesterday , I think she is blowing me off, if this is the case I'm letting her know im done and to come get the rest of her stuff, then I will start NC immediately.

 

Ugh , hate girls.

[Chi townD]

No, don't contact her to inform her that you two are done. I think she's well aware of that fact. You're not going to tell her anything new.

 

Just collect up her stuff and drop it off at her folks place, or her sister's, or brother's. She'll get the point when they tell her to get over there to get her crap.

[LifeGoesOnMan]

I texted her earlier asking if she was still down for dinner, she actually just texted me back and said she wanted to reschedule because she has had laryngitis the past 2 days and her voice isn't completely better (I know this for a fact). I texted her back "ok. When do you want to reschedule?" .. Waiting for an answer now.

[TaraMaiden]

blow-by-blow accounts are not necessary.

 

Ask her point-blank:

Are we an item? Are we still together as a couple?

is it you and me, on again....or....what?

 

And see what she says.

if it's on, you both have a lot of work to do to put this right.

 

If (as I strongly suspect) she is moving on, but dragging her heels for more than one reason*- then you need to back right off, go No Contact and LEAVE IT ALONE!!!

 

(*Reasons:

You're an option, not a priority.

Likes the familiar and wants to keep that, while still spreading her wings and flying to pastures new.

Doesn't want to disengage completely so as to "not hurt you". )

[LifeGoesOnMan]

blow-by-blow accounts are not necessary.

 

Ask her point-blank:

Are we an item? Are we still together as a couple?

is it you and me, on again....or....what?

 

And see what she says.

if it's on, you both have a lot of work to do to put this right.

 

If (as I strongly suspect) she is moving on, but dragging her heels for more than one reason*- then you need to back right off, go No Contact and LEAVE IT ALONE!!!

 

(*Reasons:

You're an option, not a priority.

Likes the familiar and wants to keep that, while still spreading her wings and flying to pastures new.

Doesn't want to disengage completely so as to "not hurt you". )

 

Ty for your reply, I had asked her point blank a few times if she wanted to see other people or not and she said she did not. her facebook page still says "in a relationship" and she claims she hasn't been seeing other people (hard to believe but no solid evidence either) I am waiting to see when she wants to reschedule for dinner now. I was told by another member NOT to ask about the relationship but at this point I feel like I have too in order to know what to do from here. She is hurting me more by dragging her heels whether or not she thinks so. I would rather not talk too or see her at all so I can heal and move on, and I gave her the chance too, I did end this but she said she didn't want too break up and wanted to take it slow, but needed space and has been staying at her dads after I ended it initially , and I agreed to try and she was the one who asked me out to dinner again in the first place so it's confusing as hell. She does has laryngitis tho and hardly any voice so that's why she wanted to reschedule

[TaraMaiden]

Ty for your reply, I had asked her point blank a few times if she wanted to see other people or not and she said she did not. her facebook page still says "in a relationship" and she claims she hasn't been seeing other people (hard to believe but no solid evidence either) I am waiting to see when she wants to reschedule for dinner now. I was told by another member NOT to ask about the relationship but at this point I feel like I have too in order to know what to do from here. She is hurting me more by dragging her heels whether or not she thinks so. I would rather not talk too or see her at all so I can heal and move on, and I gave her the chance too, I did end this but she said she didn't want too break up and wanted to take it slow, but needed space and has been staying at her dads after I ended it initially , and I agreed to try and she was the one who asked me out to dinner again in the first place so it's confusing as hell. She does has laryngitis tho and hardly any voice so that's why she wanted to reschedule

It's confusing to you, because you're in the thick of it.

We sadly, can see it a mile off.

 

I hate to say it - but she's not hurting you.

 

You are.

 

YOU are dragging this out and letting your heart be slowly crushed in an inescapable head-lock... While you insist on sticking around and not letting go.

 

My advice:

 

Cancel dinner altogether.

 

Go No Contact.

Move on, and leave this be.

Do not respond to any attempts on her part to engage with you.

This is over, take it on the chin, accept it, release her and you from this stupid fog, and part.

 

Don't keep dragging this out.

I mean, read your above post, as if you were a complete and total stranger, reading someone else's comment.

 

Then tell me I'm wrong.

Honey, this is dead on its feet.

[LifeGoesOnMan]

It's confusing to you, because you're in the thick of it.

We sadly, can see it a mile off.

 

I hate to say it - but she's not hurting you.

 

You are.

 

YOU are dragging this out and letting your heart be slowly crushed in an inescapable head-lock... While you insist on sticking around and not letting go.

 

My advice:

 

Cancel dinner altogether.

 

Go No Contact.

Move on, and leave this be.

Do not respond to any attempts on her part to engage with you.

This is over, take it on the chin, accept it, release her and you from this stupid fog, and part.

 

Don't keep dragging this out.

I mean, read your above post, as if you were a complete and total stranger, reading someone else's comment.

 

Then tell me I'm wrong.

Honey, this is dead on its feet.

 

I did just that, I texted her, told how that I felt she had

Put me on a backburner and that I would feel better just letting her go. It hurts. But I feel some relief as well. Started NC last night even tho she replied...

 

Life goes on..

Sigh

[TaraMaiden]

Don't ever respond again.

She may well persist with continual breadcrumbs, but the fact is, you have to be strong enough to implement NC - and to keep it going.

 

Read the Guide - it's in my signature, (1st post) and the remainder of the thread is well worth ploughing through too...if only to have your decision to go NC confirmed, underpinned and supported.

[LifeGoesOnMan]

Don't ever respond again.

She may well persist with continual breadcrumbs, but the fact is, you have to be strong enough to implement NC - and to keep it going.

 

Read the Guide - it's in my signature, (1st post) and the remainder of the thread is well worth ploughing through too...if only to have your decision to go NC confirmed, underpinned and supported.

 

Ty for the support, and yes I plan to keep NC going the problem is I work with her and see her everyday, she literally sits behind me in the office I work in so the typical NC is impossible for me. I will just do my best not too talk to her or look at her though I may have too if its job related.

Edited June 7, 2013 by LifeGoesOnMan

[TaraMaiden]

Exactly.

The only reason you would engage with her at work - is for work purposes ONLY.

 

The original NC Guide was written by a man in precisely your situation - although he didn't work in as close proximity to his ex as you do yours.

 

Keep entirely professional, brief, to-the-point, and do not be tempted to engage in any additional "off-topic" banter, i.e., anything personal, social, trivial or non-work related.

[LifeGoesOnMan]

Exactly.

The only reason you would engage with her at work - is for work purposes ONLY.

 

The original NC Guide was written by a man in precisely your situation - although he didn't work in as close proximity to his ex as you do yours.

 

Keep entirely professional, brief, to-the-point, and do not be tempted to engage in any additional "off-topic" banter, i.e., anything personal, social, trivial or non-work related.

 

Thanks again, my heart is crushed but ill be ok, just gotta keep smiling..

[LifeGoesOnMan]

She is suppose to get all her stuff out tomorrow, **** is really starting to hit me now.

 

And she played this **** the first time and didnt end up taking all her stuff and left me a letter instead...but this time it really feels like the end..major anxiety.

Edited June 7, 2013 by LifeGoesOnMan

[Chi townD]

She is suppose to get all her stuff out tomorrow, **** is really starting to hit me now.

 

And she played this **** the first time and didnt end up taking all her stuff and left me a letter instead...but this time it really feels like the end..major anxiety.

 

 

Then don't play her game. Tonight, pack her sh*t up and leave it by the door. When she comes to get it. Hey, there it is! Bye! And take that letter with you!

[LifeGoesOnMan]

Then don't play her game. Tonight, pack her sh*t up and leave it by the door. When she comes to get it. Hey, there it is! Bye! And take that letter with you!

 

Amen bro. However Im staying at my moms tonight because I didnt feel like driving up there or seeing any of her ****, and it's all over the place so she will have a lovely time sorting it out herself..I'm not gonna make **** easy for her but if she doesn't get it all out tomorrow ill throw it all in a garbage bag and drop it off at her dads.

[BC1980]

You did the right thing. I totally empathize. I too was with a person who loved that limbo state, taking a break and deciding, just wanting to make sure it was the right decision. You must realize that you really do deserve a person who is 100% sure about you. I know it hurts. The first month was awful for me, but the fog cleared. I was able to see it for what it was.

 

Trust me, you don't want to waste one more minute on this mess. Anytime you have to think this much about a relationship, it's just not worth it. Good for you for cutting your losses. As a friend of mine said (who was in a 6 yr. similar relationship), just be thankful you didn't waste an additional 7 yrs. on this person. I know it's a hard pill to swallow when you have invested this much, but you will look back months from now and be happy that you are free.

[LifeGoesOnMan]

Thanks man, everyday I feel a little better, but I cannot believe how she went about this after all we have been through together, to not have the respect for me to just end it let it be the first time, but to insist to keep me dangling on a chain, well to be honest it's making me start to resent her.

 

I don't know how I am going to be able to deal with seeing her everyday at work. Knives man, knives.

[LifeGoesOnMan]

OMFG this girl has the nerve to text me telling she cant come by today to pick up her stuff that she has too much to do and that she will come by in the next few days to do it..

 

FXCK THAT, should i just box it up and drop it off at her house or what? I cant take this anymore, but its alot of ****.

 

really starting to hate the girl now

 

btw i didnt reply.