Don't Understand What Is Happening Here

[FierceFoxie]

I'm not gonna bore you with the details of the break-up but he broke up with me after I made him make a decision on the spot about us. At the time, we were 2.5 hours in a LDR for 8 months.

 

After we split, I went into serious NC for 3 months. I broke contact and shot him a quick email which led to an hour long phone call right away.

 

For months 4-9 we played this stupid song and dance where he would text me everyday for a few days, ask to see me, then after seeing each other he wouldn't contact me for 2-3 weeks. This happened about once a month.

 

In the beginning of month 9, I saw a photo of him and his ex-gf that she tagged him in on FB (this ex also caused drama when we were together). So when I saw that, I told him to never speak to me ever again and I initiated NC which lasted 9 weeks. He broke contact and shot me a short email asking me how was I.

 

I called him then and we then texted the rest of the day. The next day he invited me to come hang out with him and his kids (first I saw of the kids since we split). That night we hung out alone and he brought up that he knows I want a relationship and he just isn't in a place to make anyone happy since he is not happy with his living situation right now and he needs to get his own place.

 

He proceeded to contact me everyday and the next weekend we met up and for the first time since we split, had sex. A week later we met up again for the purpose of sex only but then hung out the next day with the kids (including my kid this time).

 

We proceeded to see each other about once a week, no longer meeting up with the kids since it was usually in the middle of the week when we would meet up. He was consistent on contact where he maybe would skip 1-2 days without a text.

 

One night he sent me a text saying he was thinking of me and then sent me a photo I took of him, his kids and my kid saying it was a keeper photo for sure. A week later, I told him randomly one night I missed him since it was a little over a week since I had seen him. He just responded with "Aww".

 

2 weeks ago, he stopped by my house unannounced during a time when my dad would normally be home and he knew my kid was also home. So, I knew he wasn't doing it for booty! He has NEVER stopped by unannounced, especially with the risk of my dad being around. He stayed for 5 hours just talking with me, laid his head in my lap while I massaged his scalp and arms and we just chilled and chatted. Never talking about "us". He hugged me goodbye as usual and then I didn't hear from him for 4 days.

 

Last Saturday he was coming to a party with me. He picked me up. For the first time since we split, he rang the bell, entered the house, sat down and talked with my parents!

 

He made an awkward remark while we were out about how some friend of his was texting him the night before to sleep with her but she has a bf so he didn't but that he would have if she didn't. I told him that was disgusting and told him I wasn't gonna sleep with him anymore. He just shrugged his shoulders. We hung out after the party and just laid in his car listening to music and not really talking. Again, no talk about "us". He fell asleep for a few, even. But then we ended up sleeping together. He dropped me off and hugged me goodbye and i haven't heard from him since. I texted him yesterday asking "why are you freaking out again?"

He ignored it. He has never ignored a text from me.

 

BTW, we have an on-going thing where as an ice breaker he has said to me "are you done freaking out yet?" and I have said similar to him but I think he is really taking my text seriously and not as a joke. I will not reach out to him again, I always wait on him.

 

I am just not sure what his intentions are with me.

 

update:

 

I swear he can sense when I am anxious and start to let go of him. This afternoon I was crying in the shower begging God just to remove him from my life if he isn't suppose to be part of my life and then tonight, he texted back saying he isn't freaking out. I waited a bit and responded with the generic "k".

Edited June 16, 2013 by FierceFoxie

[youngnlove89]

The constant pull and push cycle of this type of relationship is down right exhausting.

 

He made an awkward remark while we were out about how some friend of his was texting him the night before to sleep with her but she has a bf so he didn't but that he would have if she didn't. I told him that was disgusting and told him I wasn't gonna sleep with him anymore. He just shrugged his shoulders.

 

But this got me. That is inconsiderate and rude. I can only imagine how you felt when he said that.

 

My bf once said that he sees himself sleeping with other women one day. That I'm not the one, but 95% the one. And something is missing in me. Only for him to come back, charm me, love me, care for me, kiss, cuddle, and spend time with me. His actions say one thing, while his words say another.

 

It's a constant back and forth, push and pull, I need you, now I don't, glorified friends with benefits situation. It SUCKS.

 

It's like they love us, kiss our foreheads, then turn around and say "just kidding" knock us down on our knees and then spit on us. Only to come back and say "I'm sorry, I love you, please don't leave" and pick us up, kiss our hand, and charm us all.over.again.

 

Are you guys official? Exclusive? Did you make any kind of commitment with one another? For example, my guy and I agreed that we were only seeing each other and nobody else. No dates, no sex, no nothing with anyone else.

 

How old is he? How old are you?

[FierceFoxie]

 

Are you guys official? Exclusive? Did you make any kind of commitment with one another? For example, my guy and I agreed that we were only seeing each other and nobody else. No dates, no sex, no nothing with anyone else.

 

How old is he? How old are you?

 

He told me a few months back that he wasn't sleeping with anyone else. The 2nd time we slept together, (after again mentioning he could have sex with other women if he wanted to) I asked him "why me" then and he said "Well, its because I like you and I know you aren't sleeping with anyone else." He knows I am not sleeping with anyone else, I don't know for sure if he is but we actually don't use protection and I would think if he was, he would be using protection or at least with them! He had a vasectomy so that is why we have never used protection. He did make a comment that same discussion that if I started seeing someone to let him know so we can stop sleeping together. My gut tells me he isn't sleeping with anyone else but I don't know for sure.

 

We are in our 30's. I am a few years older.

 

 

About that push and pull cycle, that is a perfect way to describe it. It feels like he comes in real close, as though he craves a relationship and then when he starts to feel like it is heading that way he will run.

Edited June 16, 2013 by FierceFoxie

[FierceFoxie]

I woke up this morning feeling like I need to let him go. I am so tired of this emotional roller coaster he has put me through for the past 10 months.

 

I am applying to programs this next year and today I made up my mind to apply to a college 3 hours away. We had that same distance before, when we were together and he complained that was one of the main reasons he felt we weren't working. Now he is 10 minutes away and is still acting as though we have physical distance between us. I never would have thought about moving away from him these past few weeks but he isn't giving me much reason to stay here.

 

I feel right now like I want to fade away without announcing it. He knows where to find me and he notices when I distance myself. The last time he mentioned noticing me distancing myself was that day where he showed up at my house unannounced that one night.

[totallylost5040]

I feel ya. I wanna distance myself from my situation as well!!! If something comes to your mind just do it. Do it for yourself because the other person damn sure isn't! Get on it ASAP too. It'll feel good

[FierceFoxie]

Although I am against game playing, I am going to do the push/pull theory to see how that pans out. I know he notices when I am distancing myself from him. He has reacted to it on two occassions. I guess I feel its my last resort and if he doesn't bother reacting and coming forward with some sort of purposeful intentions then I will have gotten my answers for closure.

[FierceFoxie]

Ugh, I had a gut feeling to do a search on the dating site we had met on and found he has an active profile and just logged in today. I panicked and called him because I feel like now I need closure on him. He didn't answer. I called back like 10 min later and he answered and I asked him if he was on lunch and he said "no, want me to call you later?" I said "yea". But I don't know if I want to do this over the phone and I don't know if he will even really call back later.

 

help!!! I don't know what to do anymore!

[youngnlove89]

Ugh, I had a gut feeling to do a search on the dating site we had met on and found he has an active profile and just logged in today. I panicked and called him because I feel like now I need closure on him. He didn't answer. I called back like 10 min later and he answered and I asked him if he was on lunch and he said "no, want me to call you later?" I said "yea". But I don't know if I want to do this over the phone and I don't know if he will even really call back later.

 

help!!! I don't know what to do anymore!

 

 

Calm down. Just take a deep breath. I had this happen to me once too. Although we were broken up when he was on a dating site. Still, it sucks.

 

When you talk to him don't lash out. Remain calm. Simply ask him why he is on a dating site. He is also going to want to know how you know, so make sure you have a follow up answer to why you were searching for him on there.

 

Then you need to put your foot down. If he admits to being on a dating site, you deserve an answer to why he is on a dating site when he is with you.

 

He might deny being on a dating site, or make up some ravishing excuse as to why he is on there. I've heard them all. But you deserve an answer and don't accept anything less.

 

A knew thing I am trying out is what a good friend shared with me. It's making statements that start with "I want/I need"

 

Your best bet is to tell him: I want to know why you are on dating site when your with me? I need to know why you think that is okay? If you want this to work between us I need XYZ from you and I want XYZ to happen.

 

It lets them know you aren't playing these games. You want this and you want that. And you deserve it.

 

People aren't mind readers. They don't know what you want unless you tell them. You are capable of telling them what you expect and need, but people are afraid to say it.

 

It's a technique I've been using as of late, and miraculously it has helped a ton.

 

Let him know how this makes you feel and give him an opportunity to fix it.

Edited June 17, 2013 by youngnlove89

[FierceFoxie]

Calm down. Just take a deep breath. I had this happen to me once too. Although we were broken up when he was on a dating site. Still, it sucks.

 

When you talk to him don't lash out. Remain calm. Simply ask him why he is on a dating site. He is also going to want to know how you know, so make sure you have a follow up answer to why you were searching for him on there.

 

Then you need to put your foot down. If he admits to being on a dating site, you deserve an answer to why he is on a dating site when he is with you.

 

He might deny being on a dating site, or make up some ravishing excuse as to why he is on there. I've heard them all. But you deserve an answer and don't accept anything less.

 

A knew thing I am trying out is what a good friend shared with me. It's making statements that start with "I want/I need"

 

Your best bet is to tell him: I want to know why you are on dating site when your with me? I need to know why you think that is okay? If you want this to work between us I need XYZ from you and I want XYZ to happen.

 

It lets them know you aren't playing these games. You want this and you want that. And you deserve it.

 

People aren't mind readers. They don't know what you want unless you tell them. You are capable of telling them what you expect and need, but people are afraid to say it.

 

It's a technique I've been using as of late, and miraculously it has helped a ton.

 

Let him know how this makes you feel and give him an opportunity to fix it.

 

 

I can't actually ask about the dating site because he isn't with me. We have no commitment at all. There is nothing established other than we are "friends" and "friends that get physical occasionally".

 

I think I am going to go forward with my plan to fade out. I have a feeling he is talking again with his ex-gf that caused drama when we were together and I think that is why he has been distant the past 2 weeks. (He added her to FB the very next day after stopping by my home unannounced and he didn't contact me that day or the next few days.)

 

I think I need to pull back ALOT right now and not announce NC but just do LC until he aggressively shows me he is trying to pursue me.

 

As he texted this afternoon asking what was wrong, I asked if he could stop by after work and he said he would try. I then just wrote him back and said nevermind. He asked "why" and I just told him I was having a bad day but I talked to someone so its OK. He continued to ask why my day was bad so I made up some BS. Clearly I am too emotional to have some sort of discussion with him about my feelings and either closure or establishing some sort of commitment.

[youngnlove89]

I can't actually ask about the dating site because he isn't with me. We have no commitment at all. There is nothing established other than we are "friends" and "friends that get physical occasionally".

 

I think I am going to go forward with my plan to fade out. I have a feeling he is talking again with his ex-gf that caused drama when we were together and I think that is why he has been distant the past 2 weeks. (He added her to FB the very next day after stopping by my home unannounced and he didn't contact me that day or the next few days.)

 

I think I need to pull back ALOT right now and not announce NC but just do LC until he aggressively shows me he is trying to pursue me.

 

As he texted this afternoon asking what was wrong, I asked if he could stop by after work and he said he would try. I then just wrote him back and said nevermind. He asked "why" and I just told him I was having a bad day but I talked to someone so its OK. He continued to ask why my day was bad so I made up some BS. Clearly I am too emotional to have some sort of discussion with him about my feelings and either closure or establishing some sort of commitment.

 

I don't mean to be mean or hurt your feelings, but he doesn't have commitment issues, he is just simply: just not interested. Sure, he may like you and have fun with you. But I think his mind is on his ex. Leading you to be the classic rebound until she comes back in the picture.

 

Don't settle for that. When there is an ex involved, it's sticky. Don't choose to be second best. Pick up the pieces and move on.

[FierceFoxie]

I don't mean to be mean or hurt your feelings, but he doesn't have commitment issues, he is just simply: just not interested. Sure, he may like you and have fun with you. But I think his mind is on his ex. Leading you to be the classic rebound until she comes back in the picture.

 

Don't settle for that. When there is an ex involved, it's sticky. Don't choose to be second best. Pick up the pieces and move on.

 

I initiated NC with him back in February when I saw she had posted a photo of them together on FB. He knows I am still very sensitive about her. I don't think he is still in love with her or ever really was in love with her. He actually has most of his exes on FB.

 

When we reconnected last September, he was reaching out to me and chasing me. I never pursued him other than me initiating that first contact with him. If he was really happy with her or even in a relationship with her, he wouldn't have been pursuing me or flirting with me. He tried for months for me to sleep with him but I refused without a commitment. Anyhow, found out a few months later he was living with her and everything made sense why he would see me and then go distant for a few weeks because he was lying to me about where he was living. After they "split" in December he started contacting me in January and when I called him out on why he lied, he said he was embarrassed by his living arrangement. He swears it was a roommate situation and to be fair, I ran into his dad in December and his dad even said they were roommates and that he had his own room, so I believe him but he did say she always wanted more than just roommates. She was the type to broadcast public FB statuses etc and never once did she insensate they were together other than that photo in January.

 

Anyhow, like you, its not like I can just give up on him and walk away. In my gut I have felt he cares for me. He has made huge leaps and bounds since we broke NC this time but he is slowly slipping back into old patterns.

Edited June 17, 2013 by FierceFoxie

[FierceFoxie]

Well, his actions are speaking louder than his words or lack of words. He stopped by tonight on his way home from work. He couldn't stay long because his kids were waiting for him at home since he has them for the summer now. I know he stopped by because he cared. Clearly he knew I was upset yesterday when I had called him and he tried to come by last night but couldn't. The weird thing was we didn't text all day today either so I was completely shocked when he showed up at my door. No booty, obviously and I wasn't going to engage in that because right now I need to see he can hang out with me without any sexual expectations. He passed that test! I feel good now but will still be cautious.

[youngnlove89]

Well, his actions are speaking louder than his words or lack of words. He stopped by tonight on his way home from work. He couldn't stay long because his kids were waiting for him at home since he has them for the summer now. I know he stopped by because he cared. Clearly he knew I was upset yesterday when I had called him and he tried to come by last night but couldn't. The weird thing was we didn't text all day today either so I was completely shocked when he showed up at my door. No booty, obviously and I wasn't going to engage in that because right now I need to see he can hang out with me without any sexual expectations. He passed that test! I feel good now but will still be cautious.

 

Interesting. What else happened? Did you talk? What'd you talk about?

[FierceFoxie]

Interesting. What else happened? Did you talk? What'd you talk about?

 

He stayed for a little over an hour. I called him out on why he went 7 days in silence and he said that he just had a completely draining week and then he jokingly said "Besides, it's good to keep it a little like this. I can't have you way up here on cloud 9 all the time." Then he winked at me and laughed. He also said "and you didn't text me!!"

 

He did 70% of the talking and he opened up so much about the stresses he is dealing with between work and his ex wife harassing him. He even told me stuff I had no clue about that had to do with his family and that he was diagnosed with a mild case of ADD as a kid!

 

He talked about moving back home with his parents again for awhile because he said he has never been so stressed in his life and he is miserable right now. He thought moving down here would allow him to have his kids more yet him moving down here just made it more convenient for his ex wife to harass him all the more and he sees them even less. He was talking about his plan of quitting and moving back home but I don't know if its just talk. We were LDR when we met and that was actually one of the reasons why he said the relationship was no longer working.

 

I mentioned applying to a school program 3 hours north of me in a year and you should have seen the look on his face! He immediately said "And move there???"

 

Overall, we had a good talk. No mention of "us" but his hug goodbye was much longer than normal. He actually paused and held me awhile and then when he got home he was texting me for a bit.

Edited June 19, 2013 by FierceFoxie

[FierceFoxie]

Getting fed up with him distancing himself, especially after intimacy. I have decided to put myself on the dating site I saw him on just to show him I am not waiting around for him and that I am not an option for him. I know he will see it and make a comment about it eventually. In the meantime, I have decided I deserve what I want; which is to be taken on dates and know we are exclusive especially if I am sleeping with him. It will be hard but I am pulling the plug on intimacy until I know we are exclusive and when he can stop distancing himself like this.

[hoping2heal]

This guy knows how to push your buttons and how to give just enough to keep you on his line so he can get what he wants from you. He's made it clear he doesn't want to date you. Talk with you? Ok. Have sex with you? Yes, please. Date you? Apparently not. Sure, the comment about sleeping with the other lady was rude but it also is indicative that he doesn't care about what you think about it. If he were trying to date you, I don't think he'd bother making a comment like that. He gives you a little and it results in sex, thus the cycle plays on and on. Meanwhile, you're attempting to play games too because you hope to gain the upperhand but he's already got it. You shouldn't have to result to these tactics to get someone to date you.

[lula69]

Hello. Indeed this is somewhat similar to Youngnlove's breakup thread.

 

I think once again, the problem is you are too reactive based on socially modeled (but wrong) behavior patterns, beliefs and expectations.

 

You expect him to commit to you in a monogamous way (not think or speak of other women, exes, or be on dating sites) but it seems to me you are not committed to him either.

 

You do a dance about who commits first, and who maintains the upper hand in breaking up. This is to prevent getting hurt, but in the end you keep dancing around in this getting hurt anyway.

 

Shed your expectations and false beliefs. Do not disown responsibility or flaws. And don't get hysterical about it. Common untruth is that men are prone to cheating and "use" women. False. Women cheat as often (perhaps more) than men. Also, common belief is women get dropped by their LTR partner, wrong again. Women file >70% of divorces, and this has been so for a century already. The point being, he has as many grounds for mistrust and fear of your commitment being real as you of his.

 

Shed all those false beliefs. And don't think of yourself as the victim here.

 

Just watch. You declaring "I'll never have sex with you" -- don't declare, it's an idle threat. You want sex too. You hurt yourself trying that. Declaring to break up, don't. You see how you keep coming together.

 

You like each other very much, don't you? You spent years together already and you spent many months dancing around in these "breakups".

 

Why not be tolerant and make the best out of it? Take breakup talk off the table. When after a time of closeness he or you feel the need to run and hide and be alone, why not try to lovingly find out what is going on? By allowing it to happen. And not over-interpret the feeling of the moment to have a finality. The final decisions will prepare themselves over time, and you make final decisions very calmly, not in a heightened affect.

 

Expect that you may lose him or he may lose you. Don't play a commitment because you may not be right for each other. But don't react so much. Don't retaliate.

 

Perhaps you can find the feeling that says: "I want you" -- and in your heart knowing "but I don't need him/her". It would be nice, but life would go on. Why not integrating this "life will go on" perspective already now? When you manage a break up in actuality, life will go on anyway. So, feel that reality that life will go on, and allow yourself to really want him (and I would tell the same to him -- but this works unilaterally for yourself.) You don't lose winning points if you want him and he leaves you. It's not a game where you need to score or avoid sucker-penalty.

 

Good luck.

Edited July 24, 2013 by lula69

[FierceFoxie]

Hello. Indeed this is somewhat similar to Youngnlove's breakup thread.

 

I think once again, the problem is you are too reactive based on socially modeled (but wrong) behavior patterns, beliefs and expectations.

 

You expect him to commit to you in a monogamous way (not think or speak of other women, exes, or be on dating sites) but it seems to me you are not committed to him either.

 

You do a dance about who commits first, and who maintains the upper hand in breaking up. This is to prevent getting hurt, but in the end you keep dancing around in this getting hurt anyway.

 

Shed your expectations and false beliefs. Do not disown responsibility or flaws. And don't get hysterical about it. Common untruth is that men are prone to cheating and "use" women. False. Women cheat as often (perhaps more) than men. Also, common belief is women get dropped by their LTR partner, wrong again. Women file >70% of divorces, and this has been so for a century already. The point being, he has as many grounds for mistrust and fear of your commitment being real as you of his.

 

Shed all those false beliefs. And don't think of yourself as the victim here.

 

Just watch. You declaring "I'll never have sex with you" -- don't declare, it's an idle threat. You want sex too. You hurt yourself trying that. Declaring to break up, don't. You see how you keep coming together.

 

You like each other very much, don't you? You spent years together already and you spent many months dancing around in these "breakups".

 

Why not be tolerant and make the best out of it? Take breakup talk off the table. When after a time of closeness he or you feel the need to run and hide and be alone, why not try to lovingly find out what is going on? By allowing it to happen. And not over-interpret the feeling of the moment to have a finality. The final decisions will prepare themselves over time, and you make final decisions very calmly, not in a heightened affect.

 

Expect that you may lose him or he may lose you. Don't play a commitment because you may not be right for each other. But don't react so much. Don't retaliate.

 

Perhaps you can find the feeling that says: "I want you" -- and in your heart knowing "but I don't need him/her". It would be nice, but life would go on. Why not integrating this "life will go on" perspective already now? When you manage a break up in actuality, life will go on anyway. So, feel that reality that life will go on, and allow yourself to really want him (and I would tell the same to him -- but this works unilaterally for yourself.) You don't lose winning points if you want him and he leaves you. It's not a game where you need to score or avoid sucker-penalty.

 

Good luck.

 

Thanks for the response lulu.

 

Two weeks ago he re-appeared after 1.5 weeks of NC. He invited me to come over for sexy time. He has invited me over to the place he is staying only once before but I couldn't make it that particular time. So he invited me over knowing his sister and kids would be gone only a short time. I ended up calling him and having a conversation with him on the phone that all I feel he wants from me now is sex and he asked me "So you aren't using me for sex?" I told him no. He said he thought we both understood this to be a FWB. I told him no, that was never my intentions and I told him I hated we were having this conversation over the phone. He asked me what I wanted to do about it then and I told him I would prefer to talk in person. He told me if I wanted to talk then I needed to hurry up and come over.

 

So, I arrived and we talked for like an hour about all of this. I told him where I was at in regards to loving him still. He acted shocked that after all of this I still wanted a relationship with him. He apologized that he assumed that I was OK with FWB. He told me where he is coming from and that he recognizes he cannot be in a relationship right now because he lives with his sister and refuses to have a relationship until he can afford his own place, he has to take care of his finances (he in a battle over child support with the courts) and he feels his job is a dead-end job in which he is physically exhausted from a 3 hour commute daily. He said he knows when he is in a relationship he gets lazy and figures if he has a gf then he doesn't need to work on these issues since there is no one to impress.

 

I told him I just want to know if he still cares for me or if it's me personally he doesn't want to be in a relationship with. He reiterated that he doesn't want a relationship with "anyone" and that he cares for me....as a friend.

 

Unfortunately, we started wrestling like we always do and we ended up having sex.

 

Last week, I had my house to myself and invited him to sleep over (I know mixed signals from me but I was seriously horny) and he said he was at his friend's house and it was too late now. I extended the invite for the next evening and he said "we'll see" since he made plans to ride on his bike after work with his buddies and then he said he had to go to the gym since he missed the night before. The gym over sex??? Really??? This is why I do not believe he uses me for sex. To me it feels like it is control. He controls when we communicate, when we see each other and when we have sex. He was probably shocked at me being the aggressor for wanting sex all of a sudden and figured he had to shut that down.

 

That was the last I spoke to him because he went on vacation with his family this past week and is still away.

 

At this point I have made up my mind to let go and to move on. I am not sure how I will handle him when he does reach out and contact me. I want to just ignore him but I know that doesn't bring closure. I feel I already laid out everything for him on how I feel, I feel he wasn't being honest with me the night we had that talk. I believe he was holding back because he didn't want to keep me hanging on when he can't give me what I want; a relationship. I don't think it's that he only sees me as a friend. His actions in May and June clearly show me he wasn't using me for sex and that he cares about me on a deeper level than friendship.

[lula69]

You sound very calm and resolved. This is a sign of more healthy decision.

 

You also know yourself well enough that you don't need a dramatic big decision. One day you will be horny again and then you will make a decision what to do about that.

 

I also find what you describe about him very calm and resolved and mature. So this man is in a struggle right now with a relatively fresh ex wife over child support. This can be extremely stressful and possibly humiliating for a man. I don't know what went down with him and his ex. May be I should ask: (1) were they married, and (2) for how long?

 

I will lean out there to make a guess. He was married or together for about 4-6 years... then he got dumped.

 

He is possibly working through a lot of shyt that went down. But I see some signs that he is working on himself, this is a good sign. What you describe as an obsession with the gym over you, may in fact be a very conscious decision to give priority to his personal development. Most men are struggling with too much emotional attachment to women, and in a painful break up situation they may learn that they need to prioritize differently. So you may feel to be on second row.

 

His interpreting you as a FWB only may not mean he was out to just use you for sex. Just that he seems to want to straighten out his life to make an LTR when he is ready, when it won't all go down the tubes because his slate has not been cleared yet and worries about finances and living arrangements.

 

This is my reading, and so, you might be assured that he is not toying around with you, perhaps not confused, but actually very goal oriented and so, trying to be a really solid integrated man.

 

I am not telling you to wait for him or to have pity or to sacrifice your needs. Just to perhaps consider your sense of urgency to have a formal commitment with him. Work on yourself too, get yourself in the best shape you can be in for a committed long term relationship. Think about what might hold you back from committing. Perhaps you have some things you'd still want to do before you commit. If so, do them.

 

Don't stand still. But you need not run away -- which I am glad to read you are not doing.

Edited July 26, 2013 by lula69

[FierceFoxie]

You sound very calm and resolved. This is a sign of more healthy decision.

 

 

 

I also find what you describe about him very calm and resolved and mature. So this man is in a struggle right now with a relatively fresh ex wife over child support. This can be extremely stressful and possibly humiliating for a man. I don't know what went down with him and his ex. May be I should ask: (1) were they married, and (2) for how long?

 

I will lean out there to make a guess. He was married or together for about 4-6 years... then he got dumped.

 

Yes, they were married a few years and have been divorced for over 7 years. He actually left the marriage but she is very bitter about it. She left him no choice. She was going out partying and acting like a single 21 yr old rather than a married mom of two. The day he left, he came home a few hours later to pick up something and found a guy there at the house with her, so he discovered she had been cheating.

 

He is possibly working through a lot of shyt that went down. But I see some signs that he is working on himself, this is a good sign. What you describe as an obsession with the gym over you, may in fact be a very conscious decision to give priority to his personal development. Most men are struggling with too much emotional attachment to women, and in a painful break up situation they may learn that they need to prioritize differently. So you may feel to be on second row.

 

His interpreting you as a FWB only may not mean he was out to just use you for sex. Just that he seems to want to straighten out his life to make an LTR when he is ready, when it won't all go down the tubes because his slate has not been cleared yet and worries about finances and living arrangements.

 

This is my reading, and so, you might be assured that he is not toying around with you, perhaps not confused, but actually very goal oriented and so, trying to be a really solid integrated man.

 

I am not telling you to wait for him or to have pity or to sacrifice your needs. Just to perhaps consider your sense of urgency to have a formal commitment with him. Work on yourself too, get yourself in the best shape you can be in for a committed long term relationship. Think about what might hold you back from committing. Perhaps you have some things you'd still want to do before you commit. If so, do them.

 

Don't stand still. But you need not run away -- which I am glad to read you are not doing.

 

I am glad he is taking the time to seek help (he admitted he is going to counseling now) and he is trying to get his life situated. My issue is I just don't want to be waiting around fiddling my thumbs, hoping he will want another chance with me after his life calms down for him; only to discover he met someone else along the way. My heart seriously could not take that.

 

I have been trying to focus on myself again. I have always been into the gym, even during this time apart because I know I need to take care of my body and mind too. He knows where I stand as far as me going to school and hoping to get into a program next year. I have always been spiritual but have compromised some of my convictions so now I am trying to grow my spiritual life again and get back to being strong with my convictions.

 

I just don't believe it is possible for me to be just his friend. I love this man and to know he is out talking to other women and meeting other women would absolutely kill me inside. Not to mention his kids adore me and my son loves him so there is now that need to protect my son from seeing anything going on between us, even a friendship,out of fear that my son will get his hopes up high again.

 

He did say at one point in the conversation, "I don't know how long this is gonna take me. it sucks I might be 55 and in a hospital bed before my life gets straightened out. But who knows, if I get to that point and you still feel the same way, maybe there is a chance for us." I am not sure what to make of that. If he really meant he sees the possibility of things working out later still or if he was just being nice.

[Ok Good]

Yes, they were married a few years and have been divorced for over 7 years. He actually left the marriage but she is very bitter about it. She left him no choice. She was going out partying and acting like a single 21 yr old rather than a married mom of two. The day he left, he came home a few hours later to pick up something and found a guy there at the house with her, so he discovered she had been cheating.

 

 

 

I am glad he is taking the time to seek help (he admitted he is going to counseling now) and he is trying to get his life situated. My issue is I just don't want to be waiting around fiddling my thumbs, hoping he will want another chance with me after his life calms down for him; only to discover he met someone else along the way. My heart seriously could not take that.

 

I have been trying to focus on myself again. I have always been into the gym, even during this time apart because I know I need to take care of my body and mind too. He knows where I stand as far as me going to school and hoping to get into a program next year. I have always been spiritual but have compromised some of my convictions so now I am trying to grow my spiritual life again and get back to being strong with my convictions.

 

I just don't believe it is possible for me to be just his friend. I love this man and to know he is out talking to other women and meeting other women would absolutely kill me inside. Not to mention his kids adore me and my son loves him so there is now that need to protect my son from seeing anything going on between us, even a friendship,out of fear that my son will get his hopes up high again.

 

He did say at one point in the conversation, "I don't know how long this is gonna take me. it sucks I might be 55 and in a hospital bed before my life gets straightened out. But who knows, if I get to that point and you still feel the same way, maybe there is a chance for us." I am not sure what to make of that. If he really meant he sees the possibility of things working out later still or if he was just being nice.

 

Even though I am personally in a world of hurt right now myself over a guy, I see so clearly your desperate situation (and I hurt for you too!).

 

When we get into a push & pull situation with a person it can be very addictive. We get rewarded just enough to keep on going, though the payoffs over time get slimmer & slimmer...in the cycle you are now in this can go on for a very long time...so much time wasted over worrying & agonizing about where you stand with someone you love!

 

Thankfully he loves & respects you enough to have told you the truth, that he's not ready for what you have to offer. LISTEN TO HIM.

 

Though I'm sure you're heard this countless times, I gotta say its really true, its time for you to start a healing process so you can be ready for someone who really does want what you have to offer. (It might take 6 mos to a year before you're ready again but so much better than living in a hellish limbo.)

 

The No Contact thread on the coping site is invaluable for learning how to do this, especially read the posts by No Foolin' who is a genius in stating the facts about relationships.

 

I wish you strength & peace while removing yourself from your current misery.

[lula69]

Well I guess this forum is very obsessed about No Contact to solve problems.

 

I may suck particularly hard regarding this.

 

But I don't believe in forcing yourself to kill love. It is too reactive, there remains something behind that is avoided when doing this.

 

I kind of guessed what happened with the ex of your bf. It is all too common. Men at first don't believe that women are the bigger cheaters (because they all say "I would never" and project their capacity by suspecting the men). But since he got burned I am sure he has learned a thing or two. He may be aware that women initiate 70% of divorces and that probably the majority of those are because they are bored and want to screw other guys.

 

This is the backdrop under which many guys today become extremely cautious. Because guys develop a much deeper emotional attachment to their women, that leaves them more vulnerable. Most guys who go through such betrayal are ready to forgive their wife if she came back and respected him ... but that usually doesn't happen. And the suicide rate among guys who had been divorced and screwed over by their former wives is rampant. Women move on much easier. This is why guys who got burned are even more cautious as those who only have that eery feeling before their first marriage.

 

I am not sure, however, why he would chew on this of 7 years already. And what is holding him back now with you. I think it would be valuable for you to understand that better.

 

Did he get a raw deal from the divorce court? Is he financially ruined? Living at his sister's seems to indicate that. Might it be that self-consciousness over his financial situation is keeping him from considering to settle down and commit himself to another attempt at a long term relationship?

 

I think understanding what is going on is a great aid for you to become clearer what to do for yourself.

Edited July 29, 2013 by lula69

[FierceFoxie]

Well I guess this forum is very obsessed about No Contact to solve problems.

 

I may suck particularly hard regarding this.

 

But I don't believe in forcing yourself to kill love. It is too reactive, there remains something behind that is avoided when doing this.

 

I kind of guessed what happened with the ex of your bf. It is all too common. Men at first don't believe that women are the bigger cheaters (because they all say "I would never" and project their capacity by suspecting the men). But since he got burned I am sure he has learned a thing or two. He may be aware that women initiate 70% of divorces and that probably the majority of those are because they are bored and want to screw other guys.

 

This is the backdrop under which many guys today become extremely cautious. Because guys develop a much deeper emotional attachment to their women, that leaves them more vulnerable. Most guys who go through such betrayal are ready to forgive their wife if she came back and respected him ... but that usually doesn't happen. And the suicide rate among guys who had been divorced and screwed over by their former wives is rampant. Women move on much easier. This is why guys who got burned are even more cautious as those who only have that eery feeling before their first marriage.

 

I am not sure, however, why he would chew on this of 7 years already. And what is holding him back now with you. I think it would be valuable for you to understand that better.

 

Did he get a raw deal from the divorce court? Is he financially ruined? Living at his sister's seems to indicate that. Might it be that self-consciousness over his financial situation is keeping him from considering to settle down and commit himself to another attempt at a long term relationship?

 

I think understanding what is going on is a great aid for you to become clearer what to do for yourself.

 

He has been cheated on by every woman he has been with; from his first love and fiance in high school to the last GF right before me. I am the ONLY one that has been faithful to him.

 

Yes, he is in financial ruins partially because of the recent child support order. She went behind his back and submitted false earning info to the courts and reported he was earning $1k more a month than he really does, so his support was raised. He was never served court papers so he was just slapped with the "here is your new support payment order". So he is quite angry about that and trying to fight it. But his finances were a mess before she started this too. He was living at home with his parents when I met him, then just when we got back into contact he ended up moving down here by me (we were LDR before when he lived 2.5 hrs away) because his job transferred him and he ended up living with his sister.

 

I honestly don't know what to do. He texted me Saturday morning and I ignored him and have yet to say anything to him. I am still mad that he has continued to ignore some of my texts and he disappears for 1-2 weeks then comes back and contacts me like it was no big deal. Right now, I feel I have to ignore him to get my power back instead of teaching him that its OK for him to ignore me/disregard me and then when he feels like texting me or when he wants sex, I will still be here.

 

I feel like I am at a crossroads in which I have to tell him it's either a relationship or nothing. I cannot be his friend. This is too painful, especially because he continues to try to meet women to "make friends" with. He doesn't even have the time to be a good friend to me right now and he is always complaining he doesn't have the time for a relationship either, yet he wants to try and make new female friends?? I can't help but believe he just doesn't see me as a future partner but doesn't want to hurt my feelings so he blames it on circumstances. Although to be fair, he has put on his dating profile that he wants nothing serious.

Edited July 29, 2013 by FierceFoxie

[lula69]

Sigh, this is so painful to hear.

 

To be fair to everyone, I want to tell you to do what you, deep in your heart and feelings, want to do. Don't do anything for him, out of pity, or to prove yourself to be a nice and better woman.

 

To him I would say: what is the common element that all your ex-women share? Why does this keep happening to you? And no, I don't slap at him the answer "IT'S YOU" but of course the question is, why is he picking these women and what is he doing to exacerbate / accelerate the erosion of whatever sham of a relationship there might have been?

 

And I still wonder if perhaps asking this question is exactly what he is doing now. Do you know what he is doing to come to terms with these horrible experiences? What is his plan HIS future?

 

May be if you can see a plan, and understand where he thinks he's going, you can collaborate. But it is not really shared, or is it? May be this is a litmus test to the idea of being "just friends", does he approach you like a friend in the sense of sharing where he's at in life? Or is he closing himself up? And why would he do that -- that's an important question.

 

Look, nobody wants to carry so much pain alone. I think every human wants to share their burden with someone who will understand him. If he doesn't open himself to you, it shows he does not trust you. Fair or unfair. It may not be about you. But perhaps his life experience has been: whenever he opens his feelings up to a woman, he is getting f*cked over. This is not an unusual experience for men. May be he is afraid that if he opens himself too much, you too will experience him as weak and "needy" and will drop him as well. So, he plays the common calculated aloof-game.

 

And look at yourself please, you are doing this game too:

 

Right now, I feel I have to ignore him to get my power back instead of teaching him that its OK for him to ignore me/disregard me and then when he feels like texting me or when he wants sex, I will still be here.

Please understand that I'm not blaming you, but what you express here is very common among both men and women. I have done this too, and so has my GF, big time. So you are not bad and not alone with this, but it is a reactive behavior. I have been in this too. Over time I think I have become capable of loving and wanting without feeling I need to protect myself by shutting her out. You are not losing value, not even self-value, if you value yourself, and if you decide that you do what you are going to do, regardless of how he still vacillates. This takes a lot of strength, but I think mostly it takes that you value yourself and you are strong in yourself. You don't do it for him, you do it for yourself.

 

You have an attachment to him. You can value that for yourself. And you can do the best you can to make this work. When it just does not work, you will be whole with your decision to move on. This is why I am so suspicious about all this NC talk here all the will-power and counter-hatred that people use to kill their attachments. When those attachments is exactly that which makes us human and worthy of being loved.

 

I don't want to hold you in misery and uncertainty. But I want to encourage you to seek real answers and be whole with what you decide.

 

So, please have a look at this:

 

"I feel I have to ignore him to get my power back instead of teaching him that its OK for him to ignore me/disregard me..."

 

I understand you don't want to be disregarded and ignored. But getting your "power" back? Is it really about power? This power game is what keeps people from committing and bonding. Each one fears that when they submit to the love they feel, they become vulnerable, and the other will f*ck them over. He certainly has plenty of experiences teaching him the hard reality, and I am sure you too have some bad experiences that taught you. But power is not the answer. You don't build a love relationship based on power.

 

How can you get him to not act as if he disregarded you? Hard to say. Ultimately you can't make him do anything. But the question is, does he really disregard you? I think he has reasons of being afraid, and his bumbling around in uncommitted dating is probably just a protection, and a statement that he believes he can't fulfill his traditional role as a provider. Did he lose his home and all his savings in the divorce 7 years ago? I really hate to appeal to your pity here, but what happened to him is really a horrible and very common story. Right and left men are treated like this. I would not be surprised if deep down he had a bunch of anger and hate for women in general, and will not trust anyone, especially not the ones pressuring for commitment or doing a power maneuver.

 

This may well mean that you find you don't really love him and just want to drop him. That is precisely what he must be scared about with you. And when people go through so much break-up attempts, they really hurt the relationship, it's a blow at a plant every time, it loses a leaf every time. And one day it'll be dead dried up or befallen with some fungus or pest and die. That's how love works.

 

If you want a good relationship in your life, you need to find the strength in yourself to mend the vicious cycle of self-deceit and mutual hurting. Weak people can't do it. They seek validation from their partner, and if that is not forthcoming they react in anger and hate, when really it is their own weakness expressing itself (too often in cruel ways.) A strong person can love, and they can love and work for love because that is what their strong self calls them to do. When they are at the end of their efforts, they will know it calmly and clearly. But they won't drop the ball out of reactivity to protect themselves.

 

I do not believe that he really does not want to be serious. If he is a human being, he wants nothing more than a partner who can share love and caring and not abuse. And whether or not he is himself capable of sharing love and caring, I don't know. But understanding and doing your part in which he can be open to you so you can understand what he is really thinking, and so he can know from you that you are serious, that can go a long way of clarifying what you must do for yourself.

 

I know you don't want to be "just friends" -- because you have stronger feelings. And I hope you can hold onto these feelings and realize them by at least being a (true) friend. And hopefully this will get both of you out of the vicious cycle of this awful abuse of true love which is unfortunately ruling and poisoning the world.

[FierceFoxie]

@lulu69 - I think I understand what you are saying. You think it's best for me to try and talk to him some more to find out why is it that he doesn't trust me/women in general so that I can understand why he has a fear of commitment?

 

He doesn't open up easily with me. When we were together, it was nearly impossible for us to have deep conversations with him opening up. He would do it only in small pieces. The last few times we have seen each other, he has opened up and he told me major things I never knew about that I feel he should have told me about when we were together but I am not sure why he failed to mention them. I know I cannot make him open up to me and sometimes I question how much of that has to do with him being a man and not wanted to look weak (as you say) and how much of it is just him not wanting to get close to me.

 

I also believe that he does want something serious but that fear is holding him back.

 

I just don't think its possible to downgrade my love for him to a friendship. See what I mean when I say its just too difficult to be his friend? And you're right, we aren't friends. This isn't just a friend thing. It's not even just a friends with benefits thing. I obviously can't label it as a bf/gf relationship but it's not friends. He wouldn't have stopped by my house on his way home from work totally unannounced those few times, fully knowing my son and dad was going to be home, so it wasn't for sexual reasons. He cares about me but to what extent is the issue that lies before me.

 

I still haven't responded back to his text from Saturday. It's not really about power anymore, I am doing it because I don't know what to do right now. My heart yearns to contact him.

 

Please understand that I'm not blaming you, but what you express here is very common among both men and women. I have done this too, and so has my GF, big time. So you are not bad and not alone with this, but it is a reactive behavior. I have been in this too. Over time I think I have become capable of loving and wanting without feeling I need to protect myself by shutting her out. You are not losing value, not even self-value, if you value yourself, and if you decide that you do what you are going to do, regardless of how he still vacillates. This takes a lot of strength, but I think mostly it takes that you value yourself and you are strong in yourself. You don't do it for him, you do it for yourself.

 

I have always been an open book with him. He knew from day one until our last shared moment as a couple what I wanted from this relationship. I never held back my love and intentions with him. I do feel so incredibly vulnerable right now. He has known for months that I wanted a relationship and he acted surprised about that still in our talk 3 weeks ago when he friendzoned me.