Inspiteofrselves Posted September 1, 2013 Share Posted September 1, 2013 I am looking for some insight into where it seems he stands and how to proceed My ex dumped me ten months ago after a three year relationship. We lived together And had a dog. He would sometimes cry, just looking t me, saying he "loved me too much" we were, until the last six months of our relationship, very happy. But then financial trouble set in. He could not afford rent so I picked up the bill. Instead of keeping my resentments in check I started to give him a hard time about everything: being late, half ass birthdays, the std he gave me at the beginning of our relationship, asking of he thought his band was going anywhere. I was just terrible. I'd left my city to be with him and wasn't happy in my professional life at my new location. I didn't know how to drive, so couldn't get around to make my own friends or even get to the grocery store myself. Eventually I said I had to move back to the city, and that after three years I couldn't do LD. He said he wasn't coming, but changed his mind last minute. We got a place, and when I moved in I went away for work for a month. When I came back he had not set the house up at all because he was taking classes in hopes of getting a job. We had an argument about it, but then had a nice week till he left on tour for a month. On your he fooled around with one of the burlesque dancers that yours with them. He told me a few days before coming home, when I was asking him what he wanted me to cook. He was sobbing. The whole time he was away he was sobbing and saying he missed me and brin overly affectionate. When he came home I was terrible, making him confess the whole thing, degrading him for having cheated on old girlfriends, crying all the time. We were intimate once, shortly after which he left for good... Saying he could tell by he look on my face after we had sex I'd never forgive him. I do forgive him now. I realize he cheated because I was being to critical and hard on him, and pressuring him about not having sex (hitch started when my mom moved in with us for a few months) He left "confused" crying and still in love, but slept with several girls upstate and insisted that he was still "figuring things out" This is where I really ****ed up. I did t give him space. I called constantly crying and begging. He would say we're too different etc. sometimes he would come see me or try to take me out, and I would always cry. I couldn't get a handle only self for seven months. Who would wan to be with someone like that? My grief blinded me. I went lc for a few weeks and started to get a grip. Eventually I called and told him he had to get his stuff because I had a new roommate to help pay rent. He came to get it, cried, said he'd always love me. We laughed and got ice cream, and had a long hug goodbye. He said I looked great and seemed better and e wanted to see more of me. He looked at me sincerely and said he hadn't been able to date anyone since the breakup, just sex. He left saying he'd hang onto the momentos I couldn't keep but couldn't throw out. Saying dont worry well be seeing more of each other. He went home and wrote me a song. I realized he forgot his keyboard at the house, and tried to make fun plans for a week, but he was busy. Next week, I find out he's been seeing this eautiful girl who is.... Well all te things he used to say he hated. Nothing wrong with her, she seems really nice, but very "newagey" I heard this from a mutual friend, and realized shed 4squared him on fbook when she comes down for the weekends to visit him at his moms. I had asked about her months earlier and he'd pretended not to know go she was. He started fooling around with her five months after the breakup. I texted him saying I found out, thy it was not right I didn't did out from him and that he was telling me he was "confused" "loved me" and was "not seeing anyone" and that I couldn't talk to him for now. Then **** hit the fan, I had a few days of crying and my own mom texted him about it... Talking about their special connection and how he just needed toove on in the direction of "positivity", how we're so different and this new girl "loves and sees As positive" all of the "problems I had. (the only problems I had were financial reliability/ time with isn't a problem in a new relationship, nor something that anyone sees as "positive" Anyway, I'm making him sound like an ass, but he's really brilliant and kind, made me feel good about myself, was understanding, funny, and just had this special quality about him, the way he treated people, the way he viewed the world. He really is te love of my life. I was not looking out for my own happiness when we lived upstate and I was to hard on him. That's when the bad behavior started. I sent him a text apologizing for getting wrapped up in my career and being hard on him. Four days later he responded for my birthday with a long text saying I was right and we lost sight of each other and he respected me and my honesty but that we're different, and he's sorry for "everything" he said he wanted to call me "one of these days" but hasn't. Could he fall in love with someone so soon after the end of a ltr? Is he in denial about her being "just like him!" isnt that how everyone feels at the start? Is there a chance for Us? What does his lengthy return next mean? Will he call. He is the most amazing man I've ever met, even though he might not sound like it here. I don't know how to proceed. I know what I want. What I want is him. I am working very hard at improving myself. Lost weight, am in therapy, got a great new job, have realized my partner is not responsible for my happiness.... But he's my heart and he's gone. For now? I can't stop worrying I was his "starter wife" and that when he comes to these problems with new girl he'll be perfect and they'll stay together. I want him to be happy, but I want to be happy too. Getting to grow with him is central to my happiness. I just want to lay on the couch and watch bad tv and laugh about the stupid things. I want to cook him dinner. I want to put my hands in his hair. I wAnt to watch him laugh, compose, cry, throw up, whatever. I want to be there to support and celebrate him. I can't believe I let my feelings about money and sex get in the way of true love. What should I do? Thanks for taking the time. Link to post Share on other sites
Mariposa10 Posted September 1, 2013 Share Posted September 1, 2013 If he has a girlfriend then you need to stay away from him. There's nothing you can do if he's in a relationship. Focus on yourself. Don't blame yourself for everything. I know sometimes we tend to do that. If things are meant to be they will work out in the future. Don't overanalyze every single thing he's said, you will only hurt yourself. Good luck and stay strong. Whenever you feel sad, you can always come to this forum and see that many people are going through the same thing. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted September 1, 2013 Share Posted September 1, 2013 He's got a new girl = he is not your soulmate. Soulmates (if one believes in such things) usually mean you cannot see anyone in your life but one another. He has already moved on so it is time for you to do so as well. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Inspiteofrselves Posted September 1, 2013 Author Share Posted September 1, 2013 In five months after three incredibly loving years? Link to post Share on other sites
Misfortune Posted September 1, 2013 Share Posted September 1, 2013 In five months after three incredibly loving years? He probably has a different idea of the relationship and being soulmates if he left. Even if you have a chance to get him back, it usually doesn't happen when their in the honeymoon phase of their new relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
tart6245 Posted September 1, 2013 Share Posted September 1, 2013 If he's moved on with someone else and it's lasted for a while, he's no soulmate. Move on. Don't talk to him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Inspiteofrselves Posted September 1, 2013 Author Share Posted September 1, 2013 They started fooling around periodically in may, but have only been "seeing each other" for two or three months I think. Is it not a rebound after only five months? I feel like he is afraid... And found something "easy". Two weeks before he left he was apologizing for everything .. And is saying this girl sees everything I saw as negative as positive.... But all I didn't like are problems they can't have yet, and can never be seen as "positive" Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted September 1, 2013 Share Posted September 1, 2013 OP, you are rationalizing... Seriously - he is sleeping with someone else. If he were your "soulmate," he would be at your side, trying to make things work. Personally, I don't believe in soulmates. Or - I should say - the few I have known and believed in were those people who fell in love at a tender, early age and never had eyes for anyone else and celebrated 60 and 70 years together, never having the type of problems you have described in your relationship. To me, THOSE people are soulmates. It is a term bantered too quickly these days. I believed I met my "soulmate" when I was 20 and I got married. Five years later, I discovered my husband was having sex with other men. Now, 25 years and several relationships later, I am engaged to be married for the second time in my life. Do I believe my fiance is my soulmate? Nope. I believe people have the capacity to love many in their lives and for all your desperation, you should take time to heal and learn that it is possible to love again. Link to post Share on other sites
travelonic Posted September 1, 2013 Share Posted September 1, 2013 (edited) He has already moved on... IMO, strictly, I wouldn't call rebounding actually moving on - which **just to me** this looks like at least in some respects it could be. I do however say that I agree with others in that the best thing you can do now is let it be - focus on yourself, healing, as best you can. Edited September 1, 2013 by travelonic Link to post Share on other sites
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