Crashandburn Posted September 30, 2013 Share Posted September 30, 2013 It is my first time writing on this forum so please bear with me if as I am a bad writer. I would like to get any advice on those with experience in Avoidantly Attached individuals. Any experience or comments would be much appreciated. A little background (Me:28, Ex:37): Boyfriend of 1.5 years broke up with me 2 weeks ago from a argument about spending time together and me being needy and controlling. I admit I was being very needy and pushy about wanting to do something that day and the events leading to break-up was so fast it was a big shock for me. To go from going to the supermarket to breaking up. He had a tendency to bring up "leaving the relationship or breaking up" for every argument. This was another reason I was always insecure. It seemed very easy for him to do this and he felt that it was the right thing to do "I should have done this a long time ago". After a few hours of me crying and getting my things together he seemed to have a look of questioning his decision and asked me multiple times if it were right. By then I was too hurt to think of getting back together or anything, I just took his word for it that we weren't compatible. He later begged me to at least stay friends since he didn't want to lose me. I was offended and confused by this since being friends with a man I thought was going to marry me was not okay. We spoke again 1 week after the break-up and he said he wasn't sure how to move on from here if we could really be friends but he said that "I'm not confident I can make you happy. I don't know if you are the one. You are so kind, sweet, amazing... that should be enough but something is wrong with me." We definitely had a history of me being insecure and controlling due to his honesty of how unsure he was about his feelings for me. I know that I pushed a lot since he pulled away a lot and I have to admit I should have trusted him more. I didn't see that as clearly when we were together but after breaking up and thinking we were really done, it was like an epiphany. I see what he is saying a lot more now and accept that about myself and have scheduled to see a therapist about this. So, since I had an epiphany and want to better myself and have a much better outlook on relationships in generl I was thinking that maybe acknowledging is half the battle. Kind of like "AA"?? I also found a book called "Attached" where it outlines a lot about "Avoidantly Attached" types and it seemed to show my EX was this to a T. If half the battle is "knowing" or accepting that you have a problem and facing it, does anyone know if I should show him this book and see if he is willing to go to therapy with me? Or without me.. (I feel like he is almost there understanding he has an issue. that he is confused why he "makes fights" or "pushes me away") Does anyone have experience in this? Although we may not have a second chance at making it work, I worry especially after reading the book that he may be alone forever (might have other relationships but essentially alone) and I love him too much to think that will happen. I want him to be happy and so this "Second chance" I guess in not really about getting back together per say but does anyone have experience where someone was able to have a second chance at being secure in love? Any hopeful stories or suggestions on how to approach this? Link to post Share on other sites
HorseLuck Posted September 30, 2013 Share Posted September 30, 2013 (edited) I deal with this. Pushing and pulling of the partner. Therapy is going to be the best option for him. It isn't a walk in the park to resolve either. It's going to take time. If he doesn't work on this he will keep sabotaging future relationships. I can't suggest that it is healthy to be in a relationship while managing this because the other partner eventually gets drained. Wouldn't you if you looked at the list below? A negative view of self (low self-confidence) - A negative view of others - A desire to be connected with others paired with a very strong hesitation - Fear of rejection - Fear of abandonment - A sense of not being good enough or worthy - Fears so predominant that you want to withdraw or avoid relationships - Difficulty trusting others - Feel more invested in your relationships than the others involved - Take a very long time to get into a relationship, but tend to be dependent once it begins - Often try to avoid conflict - Hesitant and reserved in how much you share about yourself and your feelings - Tend to be passive in relationships - Have a very hard time breaking off relationships due to fear of not finding another partner I'm sorry to say this is what led to the demise of mine, a lot of my actions, fears and insecurities causing a lot of anxiety and minor fights (which wore us both down a slow death). It isn't entirely my fault, as the partner had vulnerability issues as well. It definitely isn't fair to you to be in a relationship. He needs to really focus on working on himself. He can't provide self-love, he won't be able to provide it for other people. Edited September 30, 2013 by HorseLuck 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Crashandburn Posted October 1, 2013 Author Share Posted October 1, 2013 @Horseluck Thank you for your response although that is not as positive as I had hoped. I am sorry to hear it was a slow death... that makes me very weary of even approaching the subject. Maybe it is my outlook on life and people in general.. I tend to be optimistic. Can I ask, did you end up going through therapy alone? Did you feel as though you needed your space while working through this? I want to be there for him regardless of how he feels about me romantically. I really care for him and I always find it nice to have some encouragement (as long as its not pushy..) But then again maybe its not my place because he will think he is doing it for me. I know it may not be best for me to be with someone like him/going through therapy but if YOU had a choice to be selfish, would you choose to have support? If he does accept my offer to go through this with him, I will have to promise myself not to obsess over this and keep myself strong enough to leave. We did break-up so thats a plus? I have some issues letting go too. I think if I "give up" its like saying that love just wasn't enough... Link to post Share on other sites
AnyaNova Posted October 1, 2013 Share Posted October 1, 2013 I wish I knew more about it, because I'm pretty sues that it played a part in my situation, but I really don't know enough to comment well on the process of healing. And since he has cut me out of his life, I certainly can't be there to help him with it or see the process. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Crashandburn Posted October 1, 2013 Author Share Posted October 1, 2013 (edited) @Anya You should read the book "attached" by Amir Levine. It's not overly scholarly but insightful. It's my first self help book and it has made me see relationships in a new light. Obviously don't live it word for word as every situation is different but as someone who has no experience in this field it's a great first step. Even for coping and recovery. By the way... Talking to him hurts like hell. I just did FaceTime and acted cool.. But boy did I just have a good cry after too. It's almost masochistic to do this while the breakup is still fresh but I believe it's the only way to try and reconcile or stay a part of each others lives. I sometimes wish he did do NC on me. Edited October 1, 2013 by Crashandburn Clarification Link to post Share on other sites
HorseLuck Posted October 1, 2013 Share Posted October 1, 2013 (edited) @Horseluck Thank you for your response although that is not as positive as I had hoped. I am sorry to hear it was a slow death... that makes me very weary of even approaching the subject. Maybe it is my outlook on life and people in general.. I tend to be optimistic. Can I ask, did you end up going through therapy alone? Did you feel as though you needed your space while working through this? I want to be there for him regardless of how he feels about me romantically. I really care for him and I always find it nice to have some encouragement (as long as its not pushy..) But then again maybe its not my place because he will think he is doing it for me. I know it may not be best for me to be with someone like him/going through therapy but if YOU had a choice to be selfish, would you choose to have support? If he does accept my offer to go through this with him, I will have to promise myself not to obsess over this and keep myself strong enough to leave. We did break-up so thats a plus? I have some issues letting go too. I think if I "give up" its like saying that love just wasn't enough... You're looking out for his best interest at heart. I see no harm in showing him the book or sending him some links to consider. If he then says he relates, suggest therapy. And if he shrugs it off, suggest it anyway. That way you can't say you didn't try. I went to therapy while still being in a relationship, if that's what you mean. It was nice to have a stranger who could give me some objectivity, that I didn't know personally. If I felt the need to confide in my mate I did, but generally I tried not to because i felt it was a burden. He had other things to deal with, it wasn't his issue to work through. I was going to mention..if you and him were in a relationship and chose to both actively sort through your issues while together, I see no problem with giving it a go. I assume you were implying couples therapy or something of that sort? But, you said you're broken up. The question is whether you think you're going to be strong enough to handle dealing with the loss of an intimate relationship with said person, while remaining in his life to take on a supportive friendship role.. Imo it may be detrimental to your personal development. Does he have a support system aside from you? Perhaps you can just leave the door open. Let him know if he needs the support, you're there. Let him be the one to reach out, when he wants to. (I'm still weary of the idea since it's the beginning stage of a break-up) Also, I'm not trying to be negative- just realistic. Edited October 1, 2013 by HorseLuck Link to post Share on other sites
Author Crashandburn Posted October 1, 2013 Author Share Posted October 1, 2013 Thank you HorseLuck for your insight and concern for me. But, you said you're broken up. The question is whether you think you're going to be strong enough to handle dealing with the loss of an intimate relationship with said person, while remaining in his life to take on a supportive friendship role.. Imo it may be detrimental to your personal development. Does he have a support system aside from you? I get why you would think being broken up is hard... I still have moments of weakness when I see him. I promise though if I thought it would be terrible for my well being and future I wouldn't think to try. But the reason for the break-up is that he truly has no idea why but admits that: "he pushes me away for no reason. Makes up reasons to fight. doesn't understand why he can't just be happy with me. Thinks its unfair for me to be with him when he is so confused." The only reason I was so insecure and pushy was because he really had a hard time letting me in completely. He really tried to compartmentalize his life with me (I guess its a big deal...) But otherwise all of his actions and how he treated me was amazing. (does it sound like I'm making excuses?) I can tell he loves me but he can't help but need to make space and I think maybe there is a way to balance this all if he can identify this feeling. A way to create space while making our relationship still secure.... I'm not sure this exists though since I haven't heard many positive stories about Avoidantly Attached people (the book was more directed to the anxious/insecure) ... but 25% of the world can't be completely un-happy with their lives being "suffocated" in a relationship.. I hope. I know I can't be happy unless he can get through this, but I also know that right now if I went back to him he would say yes. I am confident about this and trust he always has me in his heart. It's just we both know that without working on the core issues, we will repeat this over and over and we really couldn't be happy (He doesn't know how to work on it though and maybe reluctant to do this...) I guess it's hard to start learning something at age 37 though... so maybe it won't work and I will have to give up. I will update you as to how he takes it. I plan on seeing him on Sat. If anyone still has any good healing stories though.. would be much appreciated. I need some hope.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Crashandburn Posted October 7, 2013 Author Share Posted October 7, 2013 For anyone interested the update is here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/428792-can-we-work-out-he-broke-up-me-out-blue-2.html#post5256380 Somehow ended up sharing my story with someone going through a similar situation. I hope it helps her... I hope it works out Link to post Share on other sites
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