18 months and one new boyfriend later.. I think I still love my ex..

[Aqua Fleur]

Hi Loveshack. I've been reading these boards for a while now and it seems like a really supportive community here, so I thought I'd turn to your loyal readers for help.

 

I'm an early 30s professional woman with a history of childhood neglect and emotional abuse, and as long as I can recall have been a relationship addict. Just can't help jumping straight into my next commitment within months (sometimes weeks) of the end of a partnership.

 

I know this is a problem, but it's not the problem I'm needing help with right now. It might go some way to explaining why I'm in my current dilemma though.

 

I've been with my current boyfriend just under 18 months. We met shortly after my last relationship ended, started out as friends, and despite there being no spark or romantic feelings from my end emotional dependency (mine) meant we soon settled into a relationship. He is aware of my emotional issues (he saved me from suicidal thoughts and is fully aware I miss a spark) so full disclosure there.

 

Despite having what my head knows to be a wonderfully living and supportive partner, I have been harbouring thoughts of my ex almost the entire relationship. I feel terrible about this!! I've tried to move on, blocked all contact, even travelled/worked overseas to try to shake these feelings however they remain.

 

I was living with my ex (together about 12mths) when he suddenly (so it seemed) broke up with me out of the blue. We had problems- who doesn't! But for the past 15mths or so he has been professing his love for me and apparently believes we are meant to be together, that I complete his life. I considered going back around 12mths ago. However when I discussed this with him he declined in favour of a girl he'd been seeing for one week- he wanted to see where that went! I was so incredibly hurt! He dumped her weeks later because "she was not me" and "he was scared things would go back to the was they were for us (disagreements etc)". Since then he has maintained he thinks of me every day and still loves me..

 

It would be so EASY if he just didn't care anymore! I would finally be able to move on! But I feel like I'm tethered to him and in a terrible state of limbo..

 

I think I still love him. But I can't trust him so easily anymore. If we were to try again would he just end things without warning again? Does he only want me because he doesn't have me? My current boyfriend would make an amazing husband (and that is where he'd like to go ultimately) however my heart just seems to be somewhere else.. Is my ex really worth the risk of losing my current bf? And if I don't pursue things with my ex will I forever hold onto this longing and despair I currently feel? It brings me to tears at least monthly..

 

I am so sorry for the length of this post and I hope it makes some sense- it's 4am here and I can't sleep due to this playing on my mind

 

Thank you for reading, just venting has helped xx

[jeff77]

IMO if he really wanted you back then he would do something about it...especially with the fact that he had to "see where it goes" with the girl he was dating...maybe you're just his safety valve, keeps you there just in case??

[flight E]

So sad you feel this way and I know how controlling feelings are. But I will give you some good advise if you will only listen.

We, especially women make a big deal about spark, feelings etc and it's quite sad. This is the main cause of abuse, divorce and even crimes against most women.

 

You spark is actually the bad boy drama which causes your amygdala(reptalian brain) to get attracted. Thank God you not an animal so you can vet you emotions with reason.

 

You have a good man now. His decency, etiquette and care for you is not creating that spark because you know you are secure and safe. You crave danger and excitement but it's just your animal brain.

 

Even if you are to date your ex do you think that spark will remain 4 ever. Of course it won't you have to settle down to the mature routine of real love.

 

You ex has shown you are not that imp to him. Forget what he says look at what he does. For you own good, the good of your children that you will give birth to. Settle for the mature relationship with you current boyfriend. Talk to him about how u can make you affiar more fun. Forget about that ex he is no good for you and you will regret it if you go back to him

[LumberJack]

will I forever hold onto this longing and despair I currently feel?

 

Sure, if you CHOOSE to. It takes people time to get over their traumas - five months for some, five years for others. This is all fairly recent, and you stayed in touch with the ex - so the dust really hasn't had time to settle yet.

 

If you see a future with your man, I'd suggest trying to put the ex behind you (seriously trying - no more flirting) and giving it some time. If the ex feels as strongly about you as he says, he'll still be around in a couple of months/years.

 

Having said that - I probably should mention that I have a crummy past-record when it comes to relationships, so my advice should be taken with a pinch of salt. Still, this is stuff I've been learning the hard way, so it might have some merit. Might.

[happydate]

Hi Loveshack. I've been reading these boards for a while now and it seems like a really supportive community here, so I thought I'd turn to your loyal readers for help.

 

I'm an early 30s professional woman with a history of childhood neglect and emotional abuse, and as long as I can recall have been a relationship addict. Just can't help jumping straight into my next commitment within months (sometimes weeks) of the end of a partnership.

 

I know this is a problem, but it's not the problem I'm needing help with right now. It might go some way to explaining why I'm in my current dilemma though.

 

I've been with my current boyfriend just under 18 months. We met shortly after my last relationship ended, started out as friends, and despite there being no spark or romantic feelings from my end emotional dependency (mine) meant we soon settled into a relationship. He is aware of my emotional issues (he saved me from suicidal thoughts and is fully aware I miss a spark) so full disclosure there.

 

Despite having what my head knows to be a wonderfully living and supportive partner, I have been harbouring thoughts of my ex almost the entire relationship. I feel terrible about this!! I've tried to move on, blocked all contact, even travelled/worked overseas to try to shake these feelings however they remain.

 

I was living with my ex (together about 12mths) when he suddenly (so it seemed) broke up with me out of the blue. We had problems- who doesn't! But for the past 15mths or so he has been professing his love for me and apparently believes we are meant to be together, that I complete his life. I considered going back around 12mths ago. However when I discussed this with him he declined in favour of a girl he'd been seeing for one week- he wanted to see where that went! I was so incredibly hurt! He dumped her weeks later because "she was not me" and "he was scared things would go back to the was they were for us (disagreements etc)". Since then he has maintained he thinks of me every day and still loves me..

 

It would be so EASY if he just didn't care anymore! I would finally be able to move on! But I feel like I'm tethered to him and in a terrible state of limbo..

 

I think I still love him. But I can't trust him so easily anymore. If we were to try again would he just end things without warning again? Does he only want me because he doesn't have me? My current boyfriend would make an amazing husband (and that is where he'd like to go ultimately) however my heart just seems to be somewhere else.. Is my ex really worth the risk of losing my current bf? And if I don't pursue things with my ex will I forever hold onto this longing and despair I currently feel? It brings me to tears at least monthly..

 

I am so sorry for the length of this post and I hope it makes some sense- it's 4am here and I can't sleep due to this playing on my mind

 

Thank you for reading, just venting has helped xx

 

I would surmise reading from your post that you are looking for some one to complete you as did your ex. So in a way, I think your ex suffered from similar childhood issues. These childhood issues of yours of neglect and abuse then get imprinted into your subconscious when you were young and whatever you are reacting to right now with your ex in terms of feelings and attachments are basically your longing for some sort of validation and understanding that you've been abandoned and that you have been wronged kicked in from your subconscious childhood memory. This is going back to your childhood, so that is why you are so madly in love with your ex not because it is true love between you and him, but it is him you can not have and that you were seeking him for approval as to why he left you. A normal person with a healthy parental relationship does not have this issue of jaded distorted subconscious when a man leaves you. Sure you will be heart broken, but you understood that when things do not work out, you will move on which is always the right thing to do.

 

In terms of feelings with another man is again you having your focus on your ex. It is difficult to have true feelings when you are dating 2 men, because your heart can only truly love one man. If you are a person who readily jump from relationship to relationship, then all you are doing is looking for men to approve you so you won't get neglected. Until you resolve your childhood issues from the past through theraphy, you will continually be what is known as a GIGS. And it will get worse later on as men will use you as cum buckets not true love as they realize your weakness and know how to manipulate you without you knowing what is going on with yourself!

[Never Again]

So sad you feel this way and I know how controlling feelings are. But I will give you some good advise if you will only listen.

We, especially women make a big deal about spark, feelings etc and it's quite sad. This is the main cause of abuse, divorce and even crimes against most women.

 

You spark is actually the bad boy drama which causes your amygdala(reptalian brain) to get attracted. Thank God you not an animal so you can vet you emotions with reason.

 

You have a good man now. His decency, etiquette and care for you is not creating that spark because you know you are secure and safe. You crave danger and excitement but it's just your animal brain.

 

Even if you are to date your ex do you think that spark will remain 4 ever. Of course it won't you have to settle down to the mature routine of real love.

 

You ex has shown you are not that imp to him. Forget what he says look at what he does. For you own good, the good of your children that you will give birth to. Settle for the mature relationship with you current boyfriend. Talk to him about how u can make you affiar more fun. Forget about that ex he is no good for you and you will regret it if you go back to him

 

I agree, with some exceptions.

 

If the spark was never there to begin with, then your relationship may have been solely based on you dependency. The spark may also have been lacking due to your feelings for your ex. Either way, this situation is not fair to your current boyfriend.

 

Flight E made a really good point though - this "spark" of attraction is NOT the foundation of a lasting relationship. It never lasts forever. It fades, waxes and wanes, the whole to and fro bit. And usually, the more safe and stable a relationship...the quicker it peters out.

 

That spark is attraction, but it's maintained by anxiety, fear and excitement. It's not healthy to be feeling those things all the time. You either need time to relax, or you'll keel over from exhaustion.

 

If your current relationship is unfulfilling, don't stick around because you're dependent. Let the good guy go.

 

If you want to give your relationship a real chance, then stop focusing on the unhealthy ex boyfriend. Cut him out of your life completely.

 

Either way, lose the ex. He's a jerk and your "feelings" for him are an illusion blinding you from the real world.

 

Then decide if you're going to let go of your boyfriend.

Edited October 31, 2013 by Pfenixphire

[Aqua Fleur]

Thank you everyone for your thoughtful and kind replies. I was relieved to find everyone's advice was so gentle- as I feel so many emotions already (guilt a big one).

 

I agree that I have two separate issues to resolve.

 

Although I am temporarily staying with my boyfriend now (circumstance alone) I am actively looking for rental properties so that we can take some space and I can gain some perspective. I think my head is telling me to make it work, that romance and sex have no bearing on long term comparability and happiness but the truth is as well as lacking a "spark" I am also lacking any sort of attraction or sexual feelings towards him. When we kiss- it's always a peck, anything else is impossible because unfortunately he's a terrible kisser!

 

I hope that I can move on from my ex.. Though reading through these forums I see so many stories about partners holding a flame for their exes for YEARS even to the point of waiting out young children in marriages to be with the one they still supposedly love. Do you think these people could also be holding onto something else, something false, like excitement or psychological dependencies?

[Never Again]

Thank you everyone for your thoughtful and kind replies. I was relieved to find everyone's advice was so gentle- as I feel so many emotions already (guilt a big one).

 

I agree that I have two separate issues to resolve.

 

Although I am temporarily staying with my boyfriend now (circumstance alone) I am actively looking for rental properties so that we can take some space and I can gain some perspective. I think my head is telling me to make it work, that romance and sex have no bearing on long term comparability and happiness but the truth is as well as lacking a "spark" I am also lacking any sort of attraction or sexual feelings towards him. When we kiss- it's always a peck, anything else is impossible because unfortunately he's a terrible kisser!

 

I hope that I can move on from my ex.. Though reading through these forums I see so many stories about partners holding a flame for their exes for YEARS even to the point of waiting out young children in marriages to be with the one they still supposedly love. Do you think these people could also be holding onto something else, something false, like excitement or psychological dependencies?

 

Space will do you a world of good.

 

Communication might be helpful too. Maybe the "hey, let's try it THIS way" approach of getting him to improve on his kissing skills haha. He's gotta learn sometime I guess...

 

You may also need to talk to him about how something is missing. If you want to really try to work it out, you can only do that by working together.

 

However, the more important issue is the ex. I can tell you, from experience, that people who carry a torch for an ex are absolutely holding on to something false.

 

How do I know this? We'll apart from my personal experience (which really is no proof at all!), the answer is obvious - once a breakup happens, the connection is severed.

 

The "feelings" you have for an ex as the weeks/months/years march on...are for your memory of them. Not the reality of the present, but the illusion of the past.

 

I wouldn't go so far as to say its a dependency - but it's a tendency to idealize what we've lost. We put our memories on pedestals.

 

I honestly admire the fact that you're being honest with yourself about this, and are self-aware enough to know that you can choose to try or not.

 

It still may not work out, or you may decide it's not worth it to try, but it's rare that a potential dumper openly and overtly considers these things. These issues usually become festering obsessions, with he dumper internalizing the entirety of it until they pop.

 

Brief story: I treated my ex very well, and we had an enormous spark at the beginning. But, we got so close and I was so stable and supportive, that she left. She compared how she felt about me to her manipulative, jealous ex who she had kept those feelings for over a longer period of time. However, she didn't talk to anyone, not even well meaning strangers on the internet. She bottled it up, hid it, thinking that maybe it'd fix itself with no work. That the "spark" was something that should just stay and always be there. It stressed her out. She couldn't sleep at night for weeks and finally popped. She never talked to me, and never thought to try because she thought that those feelings were supposed to be permanent and natural. I crumbled when she left, not just because it hurt...but because it killed me to see her in such pain and confusion.

 

Don't do that to yourself. Your decision is yours alone to make, but don't hold in your doubts and concerns. You'll only cause yourself more pain and GUARANTEE a breakup even if that's not what you want.

 

Talk to us, talk to a good friend, talk to a therapist if needed, and definitely talk to your boyfriend sooner than later. Tell him what you're feeling, even if you don't feel comfortable making a decision right away - he deserves your honesty if nothing else.

[flight E]

We all know about the ex factor and how we are all different in dealing with emotion. Had an ex one. Failed woofully in nc and kept contacting her but somehow or the other I finally got over her after almost 4 years. I idolized her but where I got lucky was she became fat and I hate fat. She slept over at my place after 4years of breakup all I felt was compassion 4 a fellow human being. Our exs can have a hold on us but it's usually due to idolization.

 

I think you should talk to you boy friend too. Not about your ex but about how you feel in this relationship. If it doesn't work out you tried to make it work. That's the best you can do. Move on but don't go back to that ex unless he comes begging and you can see real changes. But better not go back in any event

[Aqua Fleur]

Gosh, thank you all again for your responses, they're so helpful and I'm so grateful for your help.

 

UPDATE

 

I messaged my ex and was honest about where I stood with my current boyfriend. I hoped to meet up to gauge if I truly had genuine feelings left for him. If so, I would have a very difficult discussion/decision to make.. But doubt I would know if I were merely remembering our happy times or if I still truly have feelings (something I'm surprised to learn is probably all in my head now..)

 

He responded that I mustn't truly care about him if I'm unwilling to cut ties with my current (and I don't blame him for that at all). He doesn't want to meet up unless I am completely free of ties. I responded that I was hoping to see him in order to guage any remaining feelings..

[Aqua Fleur]

God I feel like I have so many strong feelings for him! He wants me to prove this to him! I feel physically ill, I might actually throw up.. I'm ashamed I can be having these awful thoughts when I'm still with my boyfriend and I'm terrified my ex will shun me forever and with it my chance of happiness.. God why can't my "heart" just shut the hell up and my "head" take over!!

[Aqua Fleur]

This could seriously be it. I've asked if we can talk about this later but.. He's sick of being (unintentionally) screwed around by me and the many times I've reached out but been unable to do anything because of my boyfriend.

[Aqua Fleur]

Ok.. Well I broke down.. Admitted almost everything to my boyfriend.. The supportive and classy way he handled it, consoled me, reassured me it's taken him years to get over exes in the past really blew my mind. He reiterated that he really wanted to be with me. He showed amazing character and I'm sure 99% of guys wouldn't have taken it (that I still occasionally think of my ex and wonder if not going back to him would be a mistake) so well. It struck a chord in me and reminded me why he is so special.

 

Having said that, I still have to decide a)if he is for me (this will take time and I plan to decide this after I move out from his house) and b)how to deal with my ex.. I asked if we (ex and I) could discuss this later as I was getting too worked up and upset, he gave me his number and is expecting a call..

 

I'm so scared to let him go, it might be that he's truly over all of this back and forth rubbish and never talks to me again.. Could I be strong enough to deal with that? Is it really the best thing for us all?

[Aqua Fleur]

Another update. I don't think this will chànge anything (but) my ex is sick if waiting and had given me a week to decide. My current boyfriend is certainly the safe bet but.. How do I get past the regrets and the "whàt ifs" of letting my ex go? I fear I'll have regret no matter which option I take.. Which is 95% looking to say goodbye to the ex..

 

How do you avoid regret in situation such as this??

[flight E]

Right now d only person that can make that decisn is you. U know the safe mature bet. U know you ex. I would have chosen u current bf if I were you. But it's all up to you to decide

[heartshaped]

Gonna give you a bit of tough love.

 

Ask yourself why you are truly with your current boyfriend.

 

Honestly, it sounds like because you are a codependent person. Not necessarily because you love him so much or because you want to be with him so much.

 

I spent years with the wrong man. Time is precious. If he isn't the one for you, end things now.

[flight E]

I agree with last poster but won't make such a big deal abt love. If love was something with so much substance, L'S would not exist. True love is not only a feeling it's a decision. Women keep making that mistake and most suffer. Make a decision don't just flow with a feeling.

[AlmostFrench]

To me it is a red flag that your ex has said you must not be serious if you won't drop your current bf for him, that you are screwing him around, and you have now been given an ultimatum...and yet in the past he had to 'see where it goes' with a girl he knew for a week. So in other words, he is allowed to string you along, but when he wants something, he throws a little tantrum and wants it NOW!

 

In my experience, men who act like that, with everything on their terms and with such impatience, also drop you suddenly when they don't want it anymore (which is what he did to you in the past). I have a feeling if you go back to him, he will dump you again when he decides it is not what he wants.

 

I agree with what was said that it may be just wanting approval from your ex because of your past. But the thing is you have gotten this from him now in the fact that he wants you back, so if that alone has not simply made you smile to yourself and relieve your feelings of rejection from him, I can see why you are so stressed.

 

No one can make the decision for you. But if he truly loved you, he would not be giving ultimatums, I think he would give you time to figure out what you want.

[Aqua Fleur]

UPDATE

 

I wanted to stop in and say thank you to all of who you read and took the time to give advice- I appreciated every word.

 

In the end.. With my "ultimatum" I ended up saying goodbye (or rather texting- I couldn't bring myself to call and hear his voice, for many reasons.. Fear of breaking down crying, fear of not being able to go through with the deed..). He didn't reply, but I didn't expect one as there really wasn't much else to say was there?

 

Afterwards, I felt nothing. I still (2 days later) feel a bit numb and haven't cried. I'm slightly grouchiest with my boyfriends little comments here and there about stupid unrelated things.. I'm definitely ready to move out from his house and room, I've lined up some casual work but at approx 2 days/week it's not enough to afford to move and I also need to wait until I find permanent work so I can choose a house close to minimise my commute.

 

I've blocked him from Facebook and I hope I'll be strong enough not to stalk.

 

I hope it's ok if I pop back to this thread if I'm feeling weak or down..

[RespectfullyAlone]

That's about the smartest move you've done, so good on you for not kowtowing to his ultimatums.

 

What bothers me is in your messy thoughts and confusion, you could really hurt this nice boyfriend of yours. Stop focusing on your apparent and supposed happy life you could lead with your ex, when he left you to go spread his seed. Focus on the life you have now with this guy. Don't screw him around please, don't do it. There are enough heart broken men out there. And also genuine nice guys, that have to fight against the prejudice they are all just doormats for girls, until they find their next bad boy to trip out on. That's what you're doing right now. Don't be one of those people please, that hurts this nice guy, all because you are convinced your ex has changed, and your perfect happy life is just waiting to unfold like a fairy tale. You know fairy tales aren't real right.

[alex007]

ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW? You want to leave a guy who will do anything for you for some moron whos playing games with you and who you can never depend on because he is so sketchy? haha wow. Girls blow my damn mind. How is this even a hard choice/option. If I was your current bf id dump you just for not appreciating what you have and wanting to go back to something terrible. Girls never value a true man.

 

So if you want to be extremely disappointed and make the worst choice possible, then break up with your current bf and get back with your ex and make your life a living hell. your current bf obviously appreciates you and would do anything for you and your ex is the opposite of that.