Live in separate houses?

[kenmore]

Hi all,

 

On Wed I met up with my wife for the first time in months. She actually invited me over. Going over things she said and my own thoughts and feelings, a scenario seems to be taking shape.

 

History: When we got married, she moved into my house and made hers a rental. A year later, we bought a house together and moved into it, making my old house a rental. This year she sold her original house so there are now two again, but only 1 mile apart.

 

My wife, while we were talking, suggested I move back into my old house (there are currently tenants in there with a lease, so this would be a while in the future) and said "maybe we could get together and have steaks occasionally."

 

So, I'm picturing that she wants to be together but not live in the same house. She also said she is not sure she wants a divorce. If we divorced the dynamic would be different, but either way I get the feeling she would still like to "be together but separate".

 

I have been trying to come to grips with the pros and cons of being married or divorced but living in separate houses within walking distance each other...and whether or not I even like the idea.

 

Pros:

 

we can each do what we like most of the time. / We can be together often (once or twice a week.) / There wouldn't be much to ever argue about. / Seeing each other would be more special (like dating.)

 

Cons:

 

It would be substantially more expensive. / There would be more workload cooking separate meals, taking care of separate properties etc. / It would still be lonely IMO (possibly even like being separated or divorced most of the time, but forever!!) / We may drift apart.

 

Just thinking about it makes me nostalgic for the "dating" time we had, and that is also difficult. Living in the old house and "dating her" may make me feel like that all the time. Still not sure if that would be wonderful or agony.

 

Obviously this is all conjecture and I have no way of knowing if this could even be worked out, but given a situation like this, how would you feel? Any other pros or cons you can think of?

 

Ken

[reconcile]

it was in the news that separate but together being a commonplace trend in the US these days. This is after divorce or separation. Couples often nowadays keep raising kids in two houses and such.

 

I could only reunite with my ex if we kept separate houses. She admits she is heck to live with, but okay to visit. Leave when you need to kind of thing. it's expensive though. A luxury.

[KBarletta]

This has worked for several friends of mine, some divorced and some still married. It's something I have envisioned as a possible compromise reconciliation scenario for myself and my wife, since many of our problems were byproducts of living in close quarters.

 

My thinking is - if it works, go for it. Why not try it for three or six months and see what happens?

[reconcile]

My wife has a high conflict personality and a diagnosis to go with it. So she knows that she is hard on those that live around her. you literally have to "live".."around her"...not "live with her", because that is not exactly living at all. But in spurts and chosen times, she seems to be the girl for me. It just changes with moods and moods change within seconds and sentences. But still, she is the mother of my children and I have to see her here and there so much, plus I have feelings for the girl I once married, so it's just way better this way. The friend element of the relationship is higher than ever..or at least nearer to when we were young and in love.

[CarrieT]

Some of my best friends are two well-known authors who have been married for 35 years.

 

He has a penthouse condo in San Francisco and she has a spacious, country estate in Wine Country, Sonoma.

 

He goes to her house on Friday afternoon and stays through Monday morning, when he goes back to the city for his city adventures and alone time.

 

They have been doing this for about a decade and it works very, very well for them; both because they need alone-time to write but they appreciate their togetherness. He also likes plays, symphonies, and galleries which he gets in the city and she likes long hikes which she can get through the vineyards in her backyard.

[kenmore]

Thank you for your responses!

 

I re-read my original post before dinner, saving the (I figured) lambasting for dessert lol.

 

Reading my original post knowing the typical advice here, I expected people to tell me not to be an idiot and play her game. Not to be her pawn and give her whatever she wants, but there's a part of me that might want it too.

 

It's refreshing to hear that people do it and like it, and that some people would consider it.

 

That said, after reflection, the tenants have another year on the lease beginning Feb and it looks like if we divorce, it will be summer. I think I have made up my mind that if she goes through with it, I have to be done with her.

 

She has told me I can keep my stuff in her house until I need it, even beyond the divorce, but I have also decided that if the divorce is going through, I'll get a storage unit and get my stuff out before it ends. Legally once the divorce is final, the restraining orders regarding my stuff end, and technically if it's in her house, she can do what she wants with it, but I don't believe she would use that fact against me. I would just want to be done.

 

This goes in the "we'll see" file. If we're married, I would probably press to live in the same house.

 

AND once I sign the papers, she can't stop it without my consent anymore. Maybe I won't. Maybe it will be my turn to hold the cards...

Edited January 1, 2015 by kenmore

[carhill]

My wife, while we were talking, suggested I move back into my old house (there are currently tenants in there with a lease, so this would be a while in the future) and said "maybe we could get together and have steaks occasionally."

 

IMO, a feel-good social hack. Perhaps not deliberate and malicious, rather astroglide to grease the skids of a favorable and less rancorous divorce. The brass tacks will be in the property settlement. Unless you're independently wealthy, or are of a mind to be constantly minding the marital store, continuing a marriage with an estranged spouse is a highly risky proposition.

 

However, from personal experience (I bought and rehabbed a house for my exW), here's some pros and cons

 

Pros: If anything needs attention, or there's stuff to pick up or deliver, or a conversation in person to conduct, closely located domiciles can ease logistics.

 

It may also 'feel' more like one is still married, that there is a sort of personal and intimate relationship still existing.

 

Opportunities for romance and sex and 'reliving old times', presuming they were good, can arise more spontaneously than when living at a distance.

 

Cons:

Here's a big one. Wait till a new guy's size 11's are parked at her door. Ask me how I know this. For me, it happened about twelve months prior to dissolution, or six months after filing and two months after we completed the rehab.

Think it can't happen to you? Think again. What you think and what the marital contract formerly stated is out the window once living separately and with divorce papers filed, even if not legally served (your situation).

 

Things can go financially sideways at any time. This can happen whether or not those papers are served. Sure, the filing and serving of the lawsuit is supposed to stop things cold financially for an accounting but have you ever successfully sued blood out of a turnip? Probably not. BTDT enough in court as it is. As long as you're married, prior to an officially filed and served lawsuit, the partnership, and the partners, jointly and severally, are responsible for the partnership.

 

I'd love to serve up a real Dr. Phil feel good sermon but the reality is, at your age, and you're probably around my age, at least mid 50's, life is short so don't mung it up with emotions over past romance. What you have in front of you is today. If you want to have some steaks, have them with a guy who's been there for you through thick and thin. Reward loyalty. Don't piss it away. Good luck!

[kenmore]

Thanks again carhill!!

 

I did officially get the papers in the mail today. suspiciously they had mailed them to the street address but the post office only delivers to a PO box.

 

I say suspiciously because the papers I got were not from a lawyer but a firm who just processes paperwork and they said they screwed up, but nobody on her end knew this street address until I told her on Dec 16. The original papers were presumably sent Dec 9.

 

Be that as it may and honestly I don't give a sh*t (more mind games?) I have 20 days to respond saying I got the papers, and will in about 15. Then I have 30 more days to respond and will in about 25.

 

Financially, there's no real issue. We came in with our property and we leave with it. One thing she's pressing is our prenup, and that could be a problem since I agreed to pay the rent, but lost my career and couldn't.

 

Also, since she's filing, I think I want her to pay any lawyer fees. If I had money (and don't) I'd cover my own ass, but it's a bad time for me, so I think she should pay for that and I'll ask for it.

 

Sorry to get all detailed on you, I know you were offering general advice. Yes, we are about the same age.

 

You're right about the steaks! Tired of being strung along and her still not giving me what I could at least use if not need. I promise you I will consult a lawyer and think long and hard before filing anything! Of course, even though what she generally asks for is original separate property going back to original owners (perfectly amicable), the devil is in the details and I won't be taken advantage of!

[idoltree]

So, I'm picturing that she wants to be together but not live in the same house. She also said she is not sure she wants a divorce. If we divorced the dynamic would be different, but either way I get the feeling she would still like to "be together but separate".

I think you need to figure out if this is a real "living separate but together" proposal (you are "picturing it"?) or a way to make transitioning out of the marriage feel better to her.

 

If she is uncertain she wants to divorce, but is heading down that path, I'd say it's more likely that she enjoys the security of marriage and is scared to feel really and truly on her own. She wants the positives and none of what she views as the negatives that she is leaving behind. She also has done some mental gymnastics to tell herself that this is actually charitable and will be easier on you, but, again, that's about her and relieving the guilt she feels.

 

I think living separately but being together can work, but I think many couples do it from the start (especially if they've met later in life), not as a way to ramp down what was a cohabiting marriage.

 

I get the feeling this is more about easing the transition out of the marriage for her. I say, if she wants the divorce and you don't, let her live with the reality of her choices. No marriage = no emotional and practical security of marriage. No home repairs, no rushing over to kill spiders or if she hears a bump in the night... she wants to be single, then let her experience the downsides of that choice, too!

[reconcile]

I think that this trend is a by-product of women's incomes rising and being independently earned. Both can afford houses, so this two houses/one marriage thing is affordable. I think it may be a very natural choice for some. She wants her space and not to be engulfed and have her own identity...things many women say they can't seem to get a healthy dose of in a marriage. It can work, and also yes, it makes transitioning-out a very short step. Men/husbands are very optional these days. The culture is changing rapidly and it is almost generational now even.

[kenmore]

Thanks for your replies.

 

While there is a lot of truth in what you said idoltree, her being afraid of living alone is not one of them. I am really starting to believe the guilt thing though.

 

She has lived alone almost all of her life. She moved out of her parents house at 18. This is her second marriage and longest (coming up on 5 years), she makes plenty of money and has told me she's happier alone. Sometimes I wonder why she married me in the first place.

 

Yeah, I think she's probably easing her own guilt and making the transition out easier as you say, reconcile.

 

Lastly, I have been thinking I probably don't want to live in that house anymore. I lived there with my first wife who passed away, dated this wife from there and lived there with her the first year of our marriage. I buried some pets there and I think it might just be too painful anymore.

[lolablue17]

How about exclusivity?

 

Can each one of you date\sleep with other people?

[kenmore]

No.

 

That's one thing I couldn't abide at all, and though marriage does not necessarily solve that issue, I think it does make it more difficult. That's another reason for me to want to stay married. fortunately, we both do have a sense of devotion and wouldn't while we're married (I know that about myself and strongly think it about her). If divorced, I still wouldn't and suspect she still wouldn't unless we completely broke up, but obviously there's nothing stopping anyone legally (not that legality has any bearing anymore, one can get a divorce just because one has grown weary of the marriage.)

 

No, lolablue, I think if the divorce goes through it must end. the more time I think about that the stronger I feel it's true.

[lolablue17]

I advice you to set a clear rule about that issue of fidelity, and not just "to assume" she thinks like you.

 

What about love? Do you love her? Does she love you?

[kenmore]

We talked today since I had asked her for sex. the biggest thing she mentioned (three times) was that neither one of us would ever have someone else, and I completely agree.

 

I totally love her! All I can say about her love is that she seems to totally love me too, but who knows? I thought we would be together forever, and was wrong.

 

There is some denial there. I'm trying to protect my heart. Ask my heart, and yes, she loves me completely! I shield it by saying no now.

 

That's what makes this so damned hard! I know my love and almost know hers, but we're in this crap! Sometimes she seems to want to divorce and nothing more, and other times I just KNOW she wants to be with me! things she says are mixed, depending on the day and the weather, but I know it's not her trying to hurt me really, she just doesn't know!

 

CRAP!!