Broke up because I wanted to fish-around

[wingzero]

I have been dating this one girl for about 6 years, she's two years older than me, already has a place of her own and a career. She was my first girlfriend and the last of those 6 years I fell out of love. We had a big fight and I proposed a break up, she begged for a second chance and a couple weeks later, I couldn't handle it and called it off for good. She didn't beg for us to get back after that.

 

Our relationship has gotten boring, all she did was work, eat, sleep, and plus we only saw each other 2x a week. I wanted something new, I didn't want to settle with her. My friends told me they were stayed with their first girlfriends anyways.

 

Fast forward a year, I've been regretting it! This is a prime example of you don't know you had it good until you lose it. All the girls I dated didn't get my sense of humor like she did. At the time she didn't have a car but was still bus to all of my soccer games even in the dead of winter (even after a 12hr day or working/studying). I on the other hand would lie and say I was too busy to hangout with her and her friends. She was always excited to me even after all these years, she tried to plan outings so we could have more quality time but I make them shorter in duration. She did this annoying thing where she'd tell me guys would hit on her for my attention, but she gave up on that when she realised I didn't care. All she did was tell me how handsome and how fit I was and how she's gained a few a pounds and didn't look as good. You know what I told her? I told her to go "work out, then". The list goes on and it's only now I realise and apreciate all the small thing.

 

All the good things I didn't see in her, other guys see it. The guys that said were hitting on her did exist after all and now that we're no longer a couple, they are like bees to honey! She hasn't spoken a word to me ever since the breakup besides asking for her stuff back. I talked to our mutual friends and they say she doesn't hate me, she still loves me, but she wants to move on. Her friends say she's having a hard time finding a guy because she's afraid another guy will do the same thing I did to her...

 

How do I get her back and prove to her I'm here for the long haul? She could have done better and yet she sw something in me, and now I'm afraid I let "the one" go.

[Frostedflake]

She could have done better and yet she sw something in me

 

This is an important confession. Look at what you wrote.

'Yet she saw something in you' means you recognize you weren't and are not up to her level. Picking up someone out of our league is great- for us. But it really does nothing for them if we don't grow or actively attempt to be better for them.

If you went back to her the same as you were she'd show contempt for you because she's seen the other side.

 

It's also important to note what her friend said. She loves you but SHE WANTS to move on. You should respect that. It means it's been thought out and she wants something different. Maybe one day when you've both experienced some new things and grew a bit you can come back together. I really advise you to allow her the benefit of that time and work on yourself as well.

[SevenCity]

I promise you that your feelings are just related to not finding a girl of equal caliber. She was not the one - you would not have treated her the way you did or dump her if she was. When you really love a woman you don't grow tired of them or treat them as a bother.

 

If you did get back together it would be short lived and you would feel the same. You want her because you can't have her.

 

Leave the poor girl alone. For both yourself and her.

[wingzero]

I promise you that your feelings are just related to not finding a girl of equal caliber. She was not the one.

You're right, I haven't found a girl of that caliber. I'm in my faculty, I will be graduating from respiratory therapy and none of these girls were like her. Yes they all have the looks and intelligence but she had... I don't know...fire? She's been through a lot and she used all of that negativity to build herself a better future. She'd secretly cry to herself or hide or her sadness so I wouldn't be burdened. I made her insecure about her body and she calorie counted and worked out in secret. I just don't think I'd find someone like her even if I improved myself. I don't know how I didn't see all of this. I just saw a miserable, tired girl and all she wanted from me was to be her rock. Is there no way that this girl isn't the one I let get away?

[SevenCity]

You're right, I haven't found a girl of that caliber. I'm in my faculty, I will be graduating from respiratory therapy and none of these girls were like her. Yes they all have the looks and intelligence but she had... I don't know...fire? She's been through a lot and she used all of that negativity to build herself a better future. She'd secretly cry to herself or hide or her sadness so I wouldn't be burdened. I made her insecure about her body and she calorie counted and worked out in secret. I just don't think I'd find someone like her even if I improved myself. I don't know how I didn't see all of this. I just saw a miserable, tired girl and all she wanted from me was to be her rock. Is there no way that this girl isn't the one I let get away?

 

I doubt it. Think of it this way, if you found a girl who made you feel like her would you still want her back?

 

It's human nature to want what you can't have and look at the past through rose colored glasses.

 

If she was the one you would have treated her much better.

[maxi105]

I'm finding it difficult to really believe you ever were (or possibly are now) still in for the big haul; because if you were you would still be with her I'm afraid: its that simple; only now you've JUST realized what you have lost and suddenly you are wanting the "boring" old her back again!

 

do you think she will have changed her personality just like that overnight and even if she had, would she want to happily do it for someone that showed her such little respect when she was with them?!

 

YOU FELL OUT OF LOVE FOR A WHOLE YEAR!!!!! and enjoyed seeing other girls who you hoped would better her, and you wouldn't have given her a second thought if the other girls were what you wanted and you were with them.

 

if you were that serious about all of this maybe the last place you should want to be is online talking to anyone else but her!!!!

 

do you know if she even wants you back? or do you think that because you want her she must want you too?

 

to be brutally honest with you: I think she is better off with someone who will appreciate what she has to offer. she sounds mature and like someone who actually knows what a relationship is about in reality, not what the media has lead people to think relationships consist of, and what rights males and females should fall into in those relationships. you sound immature, there's nothing bad about immaturity in itself, but you also sound like someone who used her, didn't really understand her and were ignorant of what relationships involve.

 

but if I am wrong and you do get her back, then you need to GROW UP and stop putting yourself as the key player here, there are 2 people in a relationship. but I fear for her if you do get back together, because I really think that you will find that this relationship isn't enough for you all over again - whether it happens in a few months or years time, I just don't see this girl as being "the one".

 

love isn't just about the buzzing feelings and what you get from the other person, its about reality and lessons that you have to learn sooner or later (and sometimes you don't ever get the one you screwed over back).

 

so forget any non contact or trying to placate someone by manipulation how you co-erse them into to make them want you, if it will happen it will;

 

but I'm sorry, I'm not really rooting for you on this on. because I think if you go with this and in the next 6 years you let her down again it will really knock her confidence in future relationships.

 

and why should she be hurt because you are not ready!

 

maybe wait on your own a while and put your energies into finding out about yourself and then find about what real relationships mean to people and you may just escape this kind of situation in the future.

 

that's probably not what you want to hear, but I'm afraid its what I think regarding what you've told us.

 

if I can be positive in any way, take some time out and then find someone else, there are lots of people looking for someone more suitable, but remember; how this has made you feel NOW before you treat others in the same way!!!!

 

good luck in finding someone new.

[N2017]

I don't know... Maybe I'm just dumb but I think a lot of people here are being really really hard on you.

 

I am a girl and I have been with a player who would tell me I'm "boring" because I didn't want to have a friends with benefits relationship where we screwed each other and other people. Because I wanted commitment and a stable partner and I hadn't had much experience. We'd fight about this and he cut me off multiple times and this last time I cut him off, and recently I ran into him while on a family dinner and he was with a girl, actually a week after I told him no I didn't want to see him if he was so stuck on not being exclusive.

 

It takes maturity to admit that you made a mistake and want what you had back and that you took what you had for granted. I actually contemplate sometimes if this guy will ever do that, since we started out as friends and besides this we had really good chemistry. My family and friends hated him, but I really loved him. A lot of guys get worried about committing and idk how old you are but especially young guys. They don't want to lose their freedom. And their ego stops them from admitting they messed up. This is why I'm saying that people are being too harsh, because you are really admitting you messed up. And I think you should tell her that. If she still loves you she'll appreciate it and will want to make things work. Don't expect her to be totally enthusiastic at first, she's probably very hurt and the conversation will be awkward. But just tell her everything you said here. It's time for you to be honest with her if this is the girl you want.

[wingzero]

Thanks everyone for the advise. I see everyone's point's and yeah I was really the bad guy in the relationship... I did her so wrong. I haven't talked to her yet, because I'm afraid what I have to say will disgust her. I have dropped her name to a couple of our mutual friends and she hasn't found anyone because she's afraid someone will see her flaws and leave her like I did. If those other guys don't have a chance, would I?

[HiCrunchy]

None of us can really tell you if you have a chance. Only she can tell you that. We can only give you our own opinions and life experiences. Good luck dear/

[Lynnesmith9898]

I have been dating this one girl for about 6 years, she's two years older than me, already has a place of her own and a career. She was my first girlfriend and the last of those 6 years I fell out of love. We had a big fight and I proposed a break up, she begged for a second chance and a couple weeks later, I couldn't handle it and called it off for good. She didn't beg for us to get back after that.

 

Our relationship has gotten boring, all she did was work, eat, sleep, and plus we only saw each other 2x a week. I wanted something new, I didn't want to settle with her. My friends told me they were stayed with their first girlfriends anyways.

 

Fast forward a year, I've been regretting it! This is a prime example of you don't know you had it good until you lose it. All the girls I dated didn't get my sense of humor like she did. At the time she didn't have a car but was still bus to all of my soccer games even in the dead of winter (even after a 12hr day or working/studying). I on the other hand would lie and say I was too busy to hangout with her and her friends. She was always excited to me even after all these years, she tried to plan outings so we could have more quality time but I make them shorter in duration. She did this annoying thing where she'd tell me guys would hit on her for my attention, but she gave up on that when she realised I didn't care. All she did was tell me how handsome and how fit I was and how she's gained a few a pounds and didn't look as good. You know what I told her? I told her to go "work out, then". The list goes on and it's only now I realise and apreciate all the small thing.

 

All the good things I didn't see in her, other guys see it. The guys that said were hitting on her did exist after all and now that we're no longer a couple, they are like bees to honey! She hasn't spoken a word to me ever since the breakup besides asking for her stuff back. I talked to our mutual friends and they say she doesn't hate me, she still loves me, but she wants to move on. Her friends say she's having a hard time finding a guy because she's afraid another guy will do the same thing I did to her...

 

How do I get her back and prove to her I'm here for the long haul? She could have done better and yet she sw something in me, and now I'm afraid I let "the one" go.

 

This is a tough one for me to comment on considering you sound exactly like my ex of 10 years who left me a couple months ago. I've heard from friends that he is regretting his decision to walk away from me and try something new with another woman.

 

What you need to do before anything else is work on YOU. You need to focus on yourself and be alone for a bit. Then re-evaluate your feelings for her. Do you miss HER or someone being there for you like she was? Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference.

 

It's funny how people don't truly realize what they have until it's gone. She might not want to get back together. Prepare yourself for that. Also, please, please, please, be sure if you want to try again that you are sincere, mature and ready to put in the effort. It's not fair to her if you aren't going to really give it your all. She deserves that.

Edited October 7, 2017 by Lynnesmith9898
spelling

[wingzero]

This is a tough one for me to comment on considering you sound exactly like my ex of 10 years who left me a couple months ago. I've heard from friends that he is regretting his decision to walk away from me and try something new with another woman.

 

What you need to do before anything else is work on YOU. You need to focus on yourself and be alone for a bit. Then re-evaluate your feelings for her. Do you miss HER or someone being there for you like she was? Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference.

 

It's funny how people don't truly realize what they have until it's gone. She might not want to get back together. Prepare yourself for that. Also, please, please, please, be sure if you want to try again that you are sincere, mature and ready to put in the effort. It's not fair to her if you aren't going to really give it your all. She deserves that.

 

Here's an update. I think I really lost the best thing that could happen to me. I told her everything I said, here's a not verbatim version of what she said. "I was also at fault in the relationship. You're right, I had become boring. And I think it was my fault I pushed you away by having all these expectations. I love you but I'm not the girl you need. I'm still the same as I was when we broke up. I'm still boring...I'm not ready to be in another relationship where it ends after 4, 5, or 6 years.". I told her I'm so sorry and that I loved her, that I've grown and I know how to cherish her. She said "I just can't... I'm sorry...You got what you wanted, you dated other girls. I can't help but think I'm a last resort. I can't offer you anything more than I did before." She started crying and I stopped and didn't pressure her any further. I have no credibility, she won't believe me, and why should she. You guys were right, I took the easy way out, I got to have fun while she had to pick up all the pieces. Thank you for all the advice whether they were tough or soft, I wish I realised this years ago.

[AT15]

The break up, broke her in so many ways. She's still putting the pieces back together. I feel for her and healing.

 

She's doing the right thing for herself.

[springy]

At least you tried. You have your answer now.

[spiderowl]

She sounds pretty special to me. I'm glad you have realised this. Your behaviour was poor before but at least you realise that now.

 

Do you think you have changed? Would you treat her better now or would you fall back into the old ways again? That is what is crucial. It depends whether your behaviour was due to immaturity or whether it was due to your true nature. If it was immaturity, then there is a chance you have grown and can really change.

 

She loved you but I don't know how she could trust you again. I think reconciliation is possible but you would have to prove to her how much you have changed. You realised that you would be wrong to pressure her. You have spoken to her. I guess you could ask to stay in touch and maybe see if she would be willing to try a friendship. Tell her you want her back but you will do whatever it takes to build trust again. Acknowledge how badly you treated her and assure her she is not second best; that you were immature and now realise what a mistake you made.

 

It sounds to me like you wanted your freedom then to test the waters. I doubt that anything she did would have kept you with her at that point. Maybe she could see it as a phase you went through on your path to maturity. It's hard to know. She must have been devastated by your behaviour and is unlikely to want to risk it again. If you really do love her though, then let her know you want to devote yourself to building trust again but you are older and wiser and greatly regret hurting her.

 

Good luck!

[wingzero]

She sounds pretty special to me. I'm glad you have realised this. Your behaviour was poor before but at least you realise that now.

 

Do you think you have changed? Would you treat her better now or would you fall back into the old ways again? That is what is crucial. It depends whether your behaviour was due to immaturity or whether it was due to your true nature. If it was immaturity, then there is a chance you have grown and can really change.

 

She loved you but I don't know how she could trust you again. I think reconciliation is possible but you would have to prove to her how much you have changed. You realised that you would be wrong to pressure her. You have spoken to her. I guess you could ask to stay in touch and maybe see if she would be willing to try a friendship. Tell her you want her back but you will do whatever it takes to build trust again. Acknowledge how badly you treated her and assure her she is not second best; that you were immature and now realise what a mistake you made.

 

It sounds to me like you wanted your freedom then to test the waters. I doubt that anything she did would have kept you with her at that point. Maybe she could see it as a phase you went through on your path to maturity. It's hard to know. She must have been devastated by your behaviour and is unlikely to want to risk it again. If you really do love her though, then let her know you want to devote yourself to building trust again but you are older and wiser and greatly regret hurting her.

 

Good luck!

I think I've matured but that's for her to decide. I don't think I'm seeing things through rose coloured glasses, or want something I can't have. I do love her and I want to give her what she deserved all this time. I don't know how her friends feel about me, too. She has a close circle of friends and they just tell me to give up since there are other guys "eyeing" her. Some are even mine and my ex's mutual friends?! I tried suggesting staying friends, but she's too good at this NC thing.

[spiderowl]

It's good that you've seen things differently now. Problem is, she's probably given you several chances to treat her better and now she feels she's been through them all. It got to the point where you left her to go off with other women. She must have been incredibly hurt. She has put that behind her now and wants to look forward. Put yourself in her shoes; what would you do? Would you risk that recovery on someone who is very likely to do the same to you again once they get comfortable?

[Almond_Joy]

It's good that you've seen things differently now. Problem is, she's probably given you several chances to treat her better and now she feels she's been through them all.

 

^^^^this.

 

Some of the things you’ve admitted to saying to her here I can imagine hurt her very badly. And she convinced herself time and time again for years that she should stay. She loved you enough to make that choice for YEARS. 6 years is a long time to stay when the other person doesn’t feel the same.

 

If she ageeed to break up, I’d think she’s got nothing left to give you. She sounds like she’d never take her feelings out on you, but it takes a lot of emotional energy to forget the hurtful things you did before for years and trust you not to do them again. To open herself up like that again is a huge risk. It’s almost unfair to ask her to take that on again.

 

I think it is hard to find a good life partner, but it’s not impossible. You may have to date around for a while but you’ll find someone good for you that you really love. Maybe this experience will help you do better in the next relationship.

 

But I think you should leave your ex alone. She gave you 6 years let her be on her own for a while.

[wingzero]

Sorry for bringing up and old thread. Still missing the same girl.. hasn't been the same I still can't get over her. She is now dating someone. Out of drunken desperation I called her out on it and asked why she'd date a mutual friend of mine. No answer. I messaged the mutual friend and he just told "We haven't talked or seen each other in years, man. Can we really be even considered friends. She's my best friend and I genuinely love her. Please just let it go." Sometimes I creep on her social media to see how she's doing. She used to post a lot about me and would show me off but she hasn't made much of her personal life public since the public. I feel like a loser, but I still want to be a part of her life.

[MidwestUSA]

I still want to be a part of her life.

 

 

I'm sorry, but you gave up that privilege. And it is a privilege, not a right.

 

Listen to the mutual friend. Move on. Don't be that creepy guy. And don't drink and dial!

[Agent1]

Let her go. You were not very nice to her. Let her be happy and find someone who would treasure her when they had her. It’s pretty selfish to want her back now.

[SevenCity]

Think of it like this, if you could have someone exactly like her but without the boring (or other bad qualities), would you still want her back?

 

You have to realize there was a reason you fell out of love with her and now you don’t have her you can’t imagine why.

 

The only thing you can do is let her know to get in touch with you if she changes her mind, then walk away and never look back.

 

I think some are being harsh because we know what it feels to be dumped. The unlucky ones have their exes come back (it’s almost never a good thing).

 

On the bright side, at least this was your choice. One day when you find someone better you will realize it was the right thing to do. When my ex of about the same duration left me, it completely destroyed me. I honestly don’t think I’ll ever be the same (it happened over 2 years ago).

 

But, I moved on with my life and you will too. The difference being, you one day will be thankful for how things ended up because it was your choice.

[WomenWubber]

I don't think you really love her. All of those things you said you missed about her you could get if you got yourself a pet. I hope she realizes that she can do better than being someone's female puppy dog.

[josi334]

I kind feel sorry for you - you were immature and didn't know to appreciate what you had and you had to loose to recognize that! I think one day you may have a chance with her again but before that you'll have to do something extraordinary for her because just your words wont do it - she needs to really see you are being sincere and you wont hurt her again - its like you "betrayed" her by telling her you want be with other women - that's a feeling that is very hard to let it go.

[Odettefaith]

I cried reading your post. Dude she's a nice girl are you sure you're going to really really be nice to her if you guys get back?

 

You know why she didn't say anything at all during the 2nd breakup? Because her heart is dead. She had tried everything. She doesn't mind that she has everything and you aren't providing her yet you treated her so badly.

 

This is making me so upset. But I believe in 2nd chances. If you really love her THAT much. Go work on yourself grow up and show her you are indeed capable of taking care of her and being with her but meanwhile you have to stay single (are you sure you are able to do that?).

 

Words are just words if nothing is being done. You can say alot but if you can't do it, let her go. She definitely deserves better. Sorry to say that but she's probably the one that got away.

[Odettefaith]

Oh and I want to add on some stuff. All relationship will get to a stage where things are boring.

 

You should really appreciate that she is working eating and sleeping not clubbing or drinking every night and making you worry like hell if she's with other men.

 

She gave you all the assurances any men would ask for and you are calling her boring. That's really mean.