Living a double life for years

[Confused and torn]

I’m typically a very decisive individual. I am already 60 years old and I have been a widow for about seven years.

The first man I dated is someone I knew almost 30 years before my late husband passed and he also knew my late husband.

It has been a difficult relationship because I havent been comfortable with his finanical irresponsibility . Needless to say this is in direct contradiction to the way I handle my financial affairs. In addition unlike me, he doesn’t have much money to his name and he is Mid 60s. While he is working and collects social security that helps in terms of paying his expenses but there’s very little left for retirement.

Because of all of the differences and the fact that we argued from time to time my son is very against me ever seeing him again. My daughter lives out of town and she did not think he was compatible with me although I don’t think she wants me to be alone. My son witnessed arguing with my boyfriend and leading to several break ups. He says he cannot get over this and does not want me to date him again.

 

I’ve hid our relationship from some family and friends because I know they’ll tell me “I can do better”.

I’ve dated other men who are financially settled like me but just never developed deep feelings for them.

 

Last break up with original bf was earlier this year and we started seeing each other about a month ago after he he saw me on a dating site. It appears he got his life together and is making better financial decisions although time will tell.

 

I took my boyfriend away for his birthday. He’s telling me that he will not tell anyone in his family or friends that we are dating again unless I tell both my children immediately since I hid the relationship from my kids until I was sure I was comfortable he and I would be together in the future but after reconciling before he would tell his family and friends and then we would break up so that has been in a embarrassment for him.

 

My question is do I not date him even though I feel deeply for him because I do know in my heart that there is some compatibility issues for retirement and because I’m very very close with my son and I don’t want to see him unhappy. I realize I have to live my own life but my son has lost his father and he has no girlfriend he also has aspergers syndrome so he is very dependent on me sometimes. Part of me wants to just tell my kids this is the way it is I know it’s a gamble but it’s my gamble to take because it’s my life. But the other part of me feels that perhaps I should just not take the chance since the kids my kids are all I have Left in this world. I cannot continue to live a double life since I did that before and I know that it hurts me and also really hurts my boyfriend. I saw tears in his eyes tonight when he was pleading with me to tell my kids are ready so that he is free to share our trip and relationship once again with his family and friends. I really do care for him and I know he does for me although I don’t know what the future holds. What thoughts do you have?

Edited July 9, 2018 by Confused and torn

[d0nnivain]

It depends. What is your goal with dating? If it's marriage or at least co-habitation, he may not be a good choice. Once you two get to a place where you are co-mingling money the resentment will creep in because you will essentially be supporting him.

 

If you just want companionship & some adult time, have fun.

[anika99]

Lots of stuff to unpack here.

 

First there's your kids. If you are sixty then how old are your children? Thirty? Forty? They have their own lives and shouldn't be dictating how you live your life. I'm in my early fifties and I couldn't imagine lying to my family about a person I'm seeing. I'm way past needing my family's approval on matters like that. I love my family and my adult children and they love me. It sounds like you are fearful that you will lose the love of your children if they don't approve of your choices. I think you need to overcome that fear and live your life. If your family truly loves you they will continue to do so even if you make a mistake.

 

All that being said I don't see this relationship with your bf lasting. He didn't suddenly change in his mid sixties into a financially stable man. You and he have broken up multiple times and you will break up again. Why are you continuing this? The problems haven't magically disappeared. This guy is not who you want him to be and he's not going to change into the guy you want him to be.

[Lotsgoingon]

What you're saying is like me saying:

 

1. I can't really have a good relationship with my gf because she doesn't drive.
    
    
   
2. But I enjoy my time with my gf and I like her very much.
    
    
   
3. And I prefer her over all the women I've dated who can drive.
   

 

Points #2 and #3 clearly contradict and give lie to point #1.

 

Here's your problem. Right now you cannot separate YOUR judgement that your bf would be a good or bad partner based on his messy finances ...from your children's judgement that you would be wrong to date this guy.

 

Your answer, in my view, is best decided by first COMPLETELY IGNORING the views of your children? ... Unless they are saying he's violent and doesn't have a name that matches a real identity, etc. After all, did these children get your approval on everyone THEY dated? ... Most likely not. And yet, you the older adult are acting like a preteen who needs the approval of family members.

 

Why does his messy financial situation bother you? Do you feel obligated to rescue him from troubles and debts? Obligated to pay for meals out and entertainment?

 

In other words, I don't see here what the CONCRETE problem is ... I see discomfort on your part ... but not discomfort based on real problems.

 

Which makes me think your finances worry is more lack of confidence and perhaps snobbery than it is a concrete problem that he gambles away all his money ... or expects you to support him or ... uses you ... or steals money from you.

 

BTW: He is absolutely right to threaten to dump you unless you go fully public. If you're too embarrassed by him to go public, then why are you dating him? Your fear of what your children might say ... sorta reminds me of middle school when people will dump the overweight kid they had a crush on 5 minutes earlier just because their friends suggest so.

 

Did your children get your approval on everyone they dated? No way ... And yet you're afraid to defy the kids' advice. See the problem there?

Edited July 12, 2018 by Lotsgoingon

[kendahke]

What thoughts do you have?

 

The truth is always the best way to go--that way, no one can take hold of you on anything.

 

Your son, while he has Asperger's, does not dictate to you how you live your life. He's not your parent. As long as you provide for your children in a fair manner as far as your estate is concerned, then while they may voice their reservations, they do not have control over your life--and you need to get him straight on that. He needs to stay in his lane on this.

 

Now, he may get mad for a while, but seriously, what's he going to do? He's not going to not talk to you because he needs you.

 

And you do not owe your daughter your celibacy. Her father is dead (sorry for your loss), but you aren't--you are very much alive and vibrant and there is no reason why, at 60, you should not be living your best life with someone you are compatible and comfortable with. If being alone comes naturally to you, then stay single and enjoy that. But if that's not you, then don't allow her to force you into a position that makes her feel better, but doesn't take into consideration your needs.

 

 

At the same time, though--you need at least 18 consistent months of this guy pulling his weight, financially, for you to be OK with really going forward with him.

[frustrated728]

thanks all for your input. With my daughter the issue is control. I was talking to the guy last night and she happened to Skype but I haven't yet told her I'm seeing him. When I answered her Skype she must have heard me talking to him for a moment and insisted I tell her who I was with. It wasn't the time to go into it, so I told her I was mumbling to myself. She argued with me so I hung up the phone. I told her I was her mother and she shouldn't be giving me pushback.

 

 

I will tell her tonight that I'm dating him and nothing else right now. Frankly, I know she's concerned about me and told me she doesn't want me to be lonely so she'll have to accept it.

 

 

Same with my son.

[Lotsgoingon]

First of all, before you answer your daughter .. you might wanna get one thing crystal clear.

 

It is none of her dang business who you date. None. As long as you're not bringing criminals into the family in a way that would directly harm her, it's none of her dang business.

 

You have the right, as wild as it may sound, to go out and pick up a guy for a night and say nothing of it.

 

You clearly need better boundaries with your daughter.

 

Current situation = she acts like you owe her a dating summary of your life.

 

Current situation = you also act like you owe her a dating summary ... though you don't always give it ...

 

My worry is that you'll share and she'll start commenting.

 

Make it clear, this is NONE of her business as far as her approval ... doesn't your daughter have better things to do with her life?

 

I had a mentor ... an older woman who was like an aunt to me ... she was divorced from her children's father ... Her two children were high functioning, independent adults in their 30's. Her children opposed her dating the man she feel deeply in love with ... a man who treated her far better than their father treated her. (Of course, my mentor was kind enough to not say this last piece.)

 

I am still shaking my head over her kids' reactions ... She finally figured out to ignore them and not seek their approval. Her original love died suddenly unfortunately, but now she's dating a guy that she is quite happy with.

 

You have the right to date whoever you dang want.

 

You might need a fight over this ... nonviolent of course. But do not back off from conflict. Daughter is way out of line and controlling. Maybe you have inadvertently encouraged daughter to "look after you" ... and that role infected her head. Time to correct and make clear you can take care of yourself.

[bathtub-row]

What concerns me the most is that this man could end up destroying you in terms of your retirement. I knew a woman who owned her own company and she dated an attorney. He gave her a huge ring, etc. Turns out he was using her and ended up getting a ton of her money. She almost went out of business. I never forgot that, never forgot how devastated she was.

 

I know you think this man has good intentions but I hope you’ll tread very carefully and keep your money safe at all times.

[knitwit]

If you were only just meeting this guy, I would probably agree with the most of the posters here and say that your need stronger boundaries with your kids.

 

As it is, you are not talking about new relationship. Your kids have had time to see how you do with your BF- it sound like they've seen several years of it. You are entering into the 2nd half of life, and it is harder to bounce back from mistakes, especially financial ones. You are young enough to make some serious decisions that will negatively affect your future, but you are old enough that your ability to recoup losses may be damaged.

 

The people in this world who love you most are all unanimous: this guy is bad news for you. And, it sounds like you have a good relationship with your kids; if this is the case, then I think it's a safe bet to think that they are looking out for your best interests.

 

I am not suggesting that you let your kids make your decisions; your decisions are yours alone. And of course you don't owe your kids an explanation. It's up to you to decide how much to share.

 

What I am suggesting is that you consider what they telling you. Try to look at your situation as objectively as possible. See if they have some points that your heart so far hasn't been willing to let you see.

 

When your kids and your friends think this is a bad match, I think your ears and eyes should be opening.

[FMW]

You're just going to have to figure this out for yourself. What do you want? Do that.

 

You've posted before, with the other user name, and should have plenty of responses to help you. It's up to you. It seems you want to stick with this guy. So stick with him. Just don't marry him, don't combine your finances, don't buy a home together, etc. Keep finances separate but be with him since that's what it seems you want.

 

Your children are concerned for your well-being and don't want to see you supporting this guy. It's understandable. But again, you'll just have to deal with that if you really want this guy in your life.

 

Edit: Is this a different guy?

Edited July 14, 2018 by Finding my way
Clarification

[bathtub-row]

If you were only just meeting this guy, I would probably agree with the most of the posters here and say that your need stronger boundaries with your kids.

 

As it is, you are not talking about new relationship. Your kids have had time to see how you do with your BF- it sound like they've seen several years of it. You are entering into the 2nd half of life, and it is harder to bounce back from mistakes, especially financial ones. You are young enough to make some serious decisions that will negatively affect your future, but you are old enough that your ability to recoup losses may be damaged.

 

The people in this world who love you most are all unanimous: this guy is bad news for you. And, it sounds like you have a good relationship with your kids; if this is the case, then I think it's a safe bet to think that they are looking out for your best interests.

 

I am not suggesting that you let your kids make your decisions; your decisions are yours alone. And of course you don't owe your kids an explanation. It's up to you to decide how much to share.

 

What I am suggesting is that you consider what they telling you. Try to look at your situation as objectively as possible. See if they have some points that your heart so far hasn't been willing to let you see.

 

When your kids and your friends think this is a bad match, I think your ears and eyes should be opening.

 

The above highlighted paragraph is so true that you'd do well to tape it to your refrigerator and memorize it.

[BaileyB]

While you have every right to date whomever you want to date, I think your children have a valid concern - they don’t want to see this man take advantage of you financially. I would also be concerned for my parents, in a similar situation.

[BTDT2012]

What do you want from this relationship? Has he ever asked you for money?

 

 

 

I see nothing wrong with you paying for a trip if he can't afford it and you can and want him to go with you. If you were a man, the difference in income wouldn't even be an issue.

[marky00]

What do you want from this relationship? Has he ever asked you for money?

 

 

 

I see nothing wrong with you paying for a trip if he can't afford it and you can and want him to go with you. If you were a man, the difference in income wouldn't even be an issue.

 

good point, if the OP was a man, I doubt we would be talking about a woman who had bad finances.