Perspective

[mammax3]

H has called twice this week (yaay!) to talk to the kids.

 

I think I'm going to need IC, since I'm really struggling on how to find my new role with him. I'm also beginning to wonder if I'm denying my emotions... I don't feel angry, mostly sad and hurt... I could feel anger if I worked it up in me, but I really don't see how that could be beneficial.

 

There's not been much to report since the baby's birth, but I have been doing lots of thinking. When he calls, I'm hurt that he doesn't ask about me or the baby. But if he did ask, I don't think I'd want to talk to him about it. I think I'm struggling with his coldness and disinterest, and yet he has called twice this week - which is the most he's called, I think, ever and isn't really showing disinterest. Part of the problem is that he needs coaching, and in our R I'd have helped him - we're not in a R anymore, so it's not my role anymore. But he still needs that help.

 

There's a book I'm reading about kids and divorce and it says that there's a HER marriage and a HIS marriage, in terms of perspective. I wonder how I contributed to the dissolution of our marriage, but I think I'd need some input from him (he hasn't ever really laid forth any real reasons for leaving) ... maybe? But in the sitch they quoted, the left partner said things like "He must be depressed" and "This is so uncharacterisitic of him" and "There must be another woman" and she even threw at him "This is just what your father did, and now you're doing it!"... Seriously, those are ALL the things that I've said. This book says that since the leavor has been justifying and rationalizing for X long s/he'll be farther down the grief continuum than the left, which allows for s/he to 'look' more composed and cold and disinterested since they're in a different mindset.

 

This is consistent with some of the things I've read here, on LS.

 

I don't know what I'm looking for here. I know that separating is hard, and emotional. And I've been doing a lot of thinking and I'm not feeling like I'm getting any where. At times I'm glad he's thousands of miles away, and other times I wish he was here since his absence is causing what feels like a vacuum in me. I can't get a read on him over the phone, and if he were in the same city, he'd be able to see the kids, and the baby and keep him reality checked. Maybe it is better that he's gone. I don't know.

 

How did you all find your new co-parenting roles together? Did you talk it out? Should I be more proactive than I am being, encouraging him to talk and figure things out? And how did you try and figure out how you & your actions contributed to the separation? I know I wasn't always sweetness and lace, but I didn't think it was dramatic enough to end our marriage over.

 

Thanks for reading through my confused ramblings. I'm ready to hear what comes next...

[PWSX3]

I wonder sometimes if maybe the person that moved out uses the kids to keep in touch with the other spouse without really saying they are keeping track or keeping in contact.

 

I know when my W started talking to me it seemed to always be something about our son. Then after a while she started asking about me or have something to say about us.

 

This might not be your situation but it is something I had thought about as well. Why would she call about something stupid that had to do with our son when she could have handled it herself?

 

I just think it is awesome that you are really working hard on what you can do even with the little one around.

 

By they way how is the little one? Not to get off track, but our cousin just had a baby, 5 pounds 5 ounces, pretty little. Just kind of makes you think how we start & the life people travel.

[mammax3]

Thanks, PWSX3.

 

I read in the book (that's quickly becoming my manual) that part of the difficulty in renegotiating roles is that it's too hard to back down from intimacy - too strange, in a way, to go from sharing all thoughts and a home etc to sharing essentially nothing, and having no business in what the 'partner' is doing. This book suggests to go businesslike and limit contact until a newer, flexible relationship can be negotiated once the hot emotions are cooler and the boundaries have been set in the new business relationship. Be coridal on the phone and respect that Dad gets to have as much as a relationship with the kids as Mum.

 

It also cites some fledgling business partners who have stepped over the 'business' boundaries too early which caused confusion in the other partner - he thought she was making overtures to reconcile, but she thought they were further along and being more friendly was appropriate. Maybe this is what happend with your W? She wanted to share and get feedback as you both may have done prior to the D? (Not saying for sure, just putting it into context with what I've just read).

 

My baby is terrific. She was born healthy at six and a half pounds, and she's gaining steadily all the time. Her siblings love her to pieces and she gets a never ending supply of kisses and hugs. my oldest tells her all the time that she's so cute and pretty and strokes her face, and my younger pats her bum and says Shh when she's crying (like I do to try and calm her). It's amazing! It's hard to divide my time, though, and I find the older two fight a lot more now... but hard to say what precipitated that - the baby, or their ages, or that school's out and so are spending more time together! Or all of the above!

[Gunny376]

H has called twice this week (yaay!) to talk to the kids.

 

I think I'm going to need IC, since I'm really struggling on how to find my new role with him. I'm also beginning to wonder if I'm denying my emotions... I don't feel angry, mostly sad and hurt... I could feel anger if I worked it up in me, but I really don't see how that could be beneficial.

 

There's not been much to report since the baby's birth, but I have been doing lots of thinking. When he calls, I'm hurt that he doesn't ask about me or the baby. But if he did ask, I don't think I'd want to talk to him about it. I think I'm struggling with his coldness and disinterest, and yet he has called twice this week - which is the most he's called, I think, ever and isn't really showing disinterest. Part of the problem is that he needs coaching, and in our R I'd have helped him - we're not in a R anymore, so it's not my role anymore. But he still needs that help.

 

There's a book I'm reading about kids and divorce and it says that there's a HER marriage and a HIS marriage, in terms of perspective. I wonder how I contributed to the dissolution of our marriage, but I think I'd need some input from him (he hasn't ever really laid forth any real reasons for leaving) ... maybe? But in the sitch they quoted, the left partner said things like "He must be depressed" and "This is so uncharacterisitic of him" and "There must be another woman" and she even threw at him "This is just what your father did, and now you're doing it!"... Seriously, those are ALL the things that I've said. This book says that since the leavor has been justifying and rationalizing for X long s/he'll be farther down the grief continuum than the left, which allows for s/he to 'look' more composed and cold and disinterested since they're in a different mindset.

 

This is consistent with some of the things I've read here, on LS.

 

I don't know what I'm looking for here. I know that separating is hard, and emotional. And I've been doing a lot of thinking and I'm not feeling like I'm getting any where. At times I'm glad he's thousands of miles away, and other times I wish he was here since his absence is causing what feels like a vacuum in me. I can't get a read on him over the phone, and if he were in the same city, he'd be able to see the kids, and the baby and keep him reality checked. Maybe it is better that he's gone. I don't know.

 

How did you all find your new co-parenting roles together? Did you talk it out? Should I be more proactive than I am being, encouraging him to talk and figure things out? And how did you try and figure out how you & your actions contributed to the separation? I know I wasn't always sweetness and lace, but I didn't think it was dramatic enough to end our marriage over.

 

Thanks for reading through my confused ramblings. I'm ready to hear what comes next...

 

Not buying it MamaX3

 

Not buying your BS!

 

This is a "pity~ partingy!"

 

You're better than "this" and "stronger" than "this"

 

Damn You! Don't you quit on me now! Don't you do it! :mad:

 

Its not about him ~ its about you ~ don't you see it? Its all about you?! And those babies?! Its not about what he thinks about you but the way you think about you!

[TXButterfly]

MammaX3, what is the name of the book you refer to?? My STBXH and I own a business together & the renegotiation of roles & power in the relationship is causing stress right now. I'd love to pick up that book if it will help me! Thanks.

[GreenEyedLady]

How did you all find your new co-parenting roles together? Did you talk it out? And how did you try and figure out how you & your actions contributed to the separation? I know I wasn't always sweetness and lace, but I didn't think it was dramatic enough to end our marriage over.

 

My situation was completely different from yours so what is true for me, won't be true for you...

 

First off, I LEFT and took my children with me...I pretty much mourned my M while I was still in it and was ready for a new beginning by the time I was gone because it had taken me a really long time to have everything in place before I left-a place to go (with my parents), kids were old enough (2 & 4), finished my graduate degree and I had a job paying more than my XH...

 

We never discussed what our role parenting would be...I had been a homemaker and student during the M, so I had always been with our children...I had only been back to work for 6 weeks when I left...And I was raised that the woman is the one who raises the children (3rd generation homemaker before the D )...

 

Now in the beginning, he would take the kids according to the visitation schedule because I think he wanted to hurt me (he was always with his "best friend" (OM) when we were married) he WAY slacked off the past two years and is now only taking them again because I'm taking him back to court for more child support...But for all intents and purposes, I make the decisions regarding the children and he defers to me because I am so sure in my abilities as a parent and he sees I am a good parent and he really doesn't want to deal with it anyway...

 

Your situation is very different...I can't see how you can even do co-parent in your case because he's not even geographically close...YOU are going to be the only parent for them...he is the absent parent...I think that you are trying to give him way TOO MUCH power here...YOU are the one who should make the decisions here, WITH NO APOLOGIES...

 

If he's so interested in being a father to his children, he needs to MOVE BACK (to your city or one that is not too far from you) and be an active part in their lives...I'm talking visitation here...not two phone calls a week...that's NOTHING...

 

From your posts, you're still in the disbelief stage of the break-up and hoping he comes back...It might be better for your own sanity if you just give up on that for now and concentrate on the reality...whatever will be, will be...make your life livable right now...Don't get nostalgic on what WAS...

 

I know it's difficult with a new baby and I'm glad that she's doing great...I know the hormones cause mood swings and that's not helping any of this...also the fact that you really didn't have a say in the decision to the end the R is heart-breaking...But you are strong and you DESERVE BETTER! So now take it! Do whatever it is that will get you through the day!

 

I'm rooting for you Mammax!!!:bunny:

[sumdude]

I think GEL may be right. It's all still pretty fresh for you. You may be able to tell yourself and convince yourself at one level that the marriage is over. Your subconscious hasn't caught up with that yet.. Takes time and you fake it till you make it. You are strong and will stay that way so take Gunny's advice as the tough love you need sometimes. Anger isn't all bad and you shouldn't deny it. It is an energy you can put to use if you can redirect it in a positive manner. Think of it as a tool to wield and smash your illusions about yout STBXH.... You'll also still have to go through the grief stages ... no way around it. We humans are just made that way.

[mammax3]

Thanks everyone. These last few days I've been very sad... missing H, and missing what *could* have been. Pity partying all by myself, about how hard it's going to be, how all alone I'm feeling and how all alone I'm going to feel.

 

But you're right. I can feel sad, and let the emotions wash over me, but just let them drip off my back and keep moving on. Like the duck (I read this analogy somewhere) who looks like he's swimming serenly, but underwater he's paddling madly - that'll be me. I need to keep my cards hidden from H and not let my thinking get me down. This is not about him. It's about me and the kids, and I don't need to figure anything out right now - especially nothing to do with enabling him to be a dead beat dad.

 

Thank you. I was hurt, initially with what Gunny said, but when I read it again, the piece about what I think about me hit me, and I agree. It ceased to be about him when he left without a backwards glance.

 

And GEL, thanks for your perspective and the pointed reference to how H should be behaving if he wants in the kids lives. 2x a week is better than it used to be, but it's hardly maintaining a connection.

 

TXButterfly, it's "The truth about children and divorce" by Robert E Emery PhD - it's one of two books regarding children and divorce that I think are terrific.

 

You're all so great thank you so much.

[2sunny]

when he realizes that he will have to pay you more support money if he doesn't see them as often - he will try to be around more. that's my bet.

 

also - stay strong - your hormones are adjusting to the baby's delivery - and that's a tough adjustment even under ideal circumstances. you are bound to feel VERY emotional right now.

[Sheba]

I have said it before, mamma, and I will say it again: you have the best of this marriage - the kids. The man, it would appear, was not worth having. I hope that with time you realize how unworthy he is now and stop missing him. He has transformed himself into someone new, and that person is not who you yearn for.

 

I too am very cynical about the fatherhood of a man who would move SO far from his children. My ex did that. First, about a year after we separated he made a plan to move thousands of miles away to marry some woman he met on the internet. I will never forgive him for the tears of my son who cried every night for weeks saying "I don't want my daddy to go". What is more, I doubt my son will ever get over that. My ex did not end up making that move, but he did move several hundred miles away and saw the children rarely for several years. It was too much trouble to make the drive. Now, he lives 20 minutes away, but sees them only every 3rd weekend.

 

I will never stop feeling angry at my ex for the hurt he caused the children. Men like this are more like children than adults. They are selfish. They are giving up their right to be parents. They are hurting the children who love and need them.

 

Your husband is a jerk, mamma. He does not deserve you or those children. Happily for your children, they have a strong, smart, loving mother.

[mammax3]

you're right 2sunny, about my hormones. I can't tell the difference between my emotions about my sitch, or if it's hormonal... I guess it doesn't really matter, but it is one h*ll of a ride!

 

Thank you, Sheba. You're right too, about him not being worthy and being a jerk and that I have the best out of our marriage. It's so hard to believe that he's not the same man anymore. And it's not him *now* that I yearn for, it's the him I married, the young delicious love we had at the beginning... the excitement and nervousness when we had our first baby... our optimism when we bought our house... our disbelief and excitement when we had our second child... the playfulness, the talking, the closeness, the sharing... all those things I miss. I know I will have love again with another man, but our experiences won't be as sweet and as innocent as what he and I had. I guess that part of our love was gone, regardless, as we would have moved into a different older type love but he and I knew each other like no one else. We shared our beginning adult selves with each other - we helped shape our adult selves. It just seems so sad.

 

Yet, I was angry today. A first glimmery peek at non-worked up anger. I had to remind myself that this feeling is just as transitory as the sadness, and will too pass into acceptance at some point down the road - I shouldn't act on anger any more than I would act on sadness. But I saw what everyone else sees. Just a brief glance, but I saw it. The hideousness of his action of leaving in such a cowardly way at such a vulnerable time. His ridiculous comments and requests. The 'visit' during our third childs birth (of 4 days!) and not calling to make sure she and I are okay. This guy *IS* a jerk! Whatever the eff he's going through, it's nothing compared to what I'm holding up on the home front, and here I am trying to figure things out? Trying to determine what my role will be? How crazy am I? And I can practically hear Gunny gnashing his teeth over what a wimp I'm being!

 

I'm working towards acceptance (thank you all, you are all helping me!) but I still have the sadness and disbelief. I'm trying to sweep out the corner of my heart that is holding him still and realize that I don't need a man like this. I can do it on my own, and will be better off for it, as will my darling kids.

 

It is hard to banish the image of the man he was for the one he is now.

[Melovator]

That guy IS a jerk- Don't determine your 'role' in his life- work out his 'role' in your and your kids' lives. What sucks about being in this kind of situation is that your day-to-day life doesn't change, you still have to change nappies and get meals and sing songs and be the mummy-lady. Still have to drag yourself out bed after a night of weeping and wailing and you don't get the luxury of staying there all day like if you didn't have kids. It sucks completely and even if he did very little around the place, him not being there to do it, or simply not being there, seems to make all the hard slog even harder. But the thing is you know you can do it without him because you already are.

 

I really feel for you, all those after birth hormones and this situation taking your emotional energy away when you really need it. You should be proud of yourself for just breathing let alone anything else. Give yourself credit for every little thing you do right now because you're amazing!

 

P.S. If you figure out how to sweep him out of that corner of your heart could you let us know how you did it? I've tried vacumning but he just won't come out...

[Trimmer]

How did you all find your new co-parenting roles together? Did you talk it out? Should I be more proactive than I am being, encouraging him to talk and figure things out? And how did you try and figure out how you & your actions contributed to the separation? I know I wasn't always sweetness and lace, but I didn't think it was dramatic enough to end our marriage over.

 

I really agree with this:

Don't determine your 'role' in his life- work out his 'role' in your and your kids' lives.

And to take it one step further, the best thing I did, eventually, was to separate, in my own mind and heart, my wife's role as spouse from her role as parent. If you read back over your original post, I think you will see that for you, the two are still very much intermixed. That's not at all a criticism - it's quite natural - but I found that when I fully accepted that the "character" of my wife (the spouse) was gone (and gone forever), I was able to start dealing with the character of my kids' parent (my "co-parent") in a way that was more healthy for me (and for everyone involved, I believe.)

 

What this means is don't try to interpret his actions towards the kids as being any reflection on you or your marriage or your part in it. His actions towards the kids are strictly related to his ability and interest as a parent - they may reflect that he isn't a very good parent either, but don't torture yourself and agonize that that somehow relfects on your marriage as well. If he is behaving towards the kids out of some kind of reaction to your marriage difficulties, then that is a character flaw on his part that he owns and is completely responsible for.

 

While it is in your kids' best interests for you to facilitate his relationship with them to the degree possible, you aren't responsible for training him to be a good parent. And his ability (or lack of...) as a parent is not a reflection on your marriage that you should agonize over.

 

I'm not saying it's easy, but try to separate your perceptions of him as your former husband and the mystifying man he appears to be now, from your perceptions of him as the continuing co-parent of your kids together. Yes, they are linked, but try to deal with the grief and loss of your husband as a separate character from your life, and allow yourself to work through it towards fully accepting it. At the same time, treating your parental relationship with him as separate from the husband relationship will allow you to detach the strong emotions a little bit. I think of it as a kind of a business partnership, where we don't have to love each other or even agree all the time, but we both have an interest in the same positive outcome, and this separation I'm talking about lets me deal within that relationship without the overriding emotional burden of the spousal one. It's not easy and it's not immediate, like switching off a light, but for me, it has been worth the journey to get there.

 

Incidentally, another part of that "separation of characters" is that once I established it, I realized that I would no longer look to her for answers as to "what happened?" Part of accepting and grieving that loss was to realize that she - my spouse - took those answers with her, and that my life is now my own to figure out. While on one hand, that feels like a loss at first (my confidante, the person I could trust, count on, etc...) it ultimately became a source of power. I run my life; for now, I rely on myself.

 

Yet, I was angry today. A first glimmery peek at non-worked up anger. I had to remind myself that this feeling is just as transitory as the sadness, and will too pass into acceptance at some point down the road - I shouldn't act on anger any more than I would act on sadness.... And I can practically hear Gunny gnashing his teeth over what a wimp I'm being!

You know, for all the 'tough love' and 'suck it up' kind of advice (which I admit can be a useful kick in the pants...) I wouldn't want to see you stuff it down, vaccuum it away, or ignore it. If you just suck it up and ignore the anger and grief (because you know you have to get past them eventually, right?) you run the risk of just putting them away in a box where they will eventually fester and spill out in some other way. There's nothing wrong with being angry and feeling it and recognizing it. There's nothing wrong with feeling grief and loss and disbelief and experiencing them and accepting them, instead of hiding from them.

 

It's a fine line - you don't want to wallow in them and be pulled down into a whirlpool - you still have to wake up and take care of the kids and behave like an adult. But on the other hand, I don't think that allowing yourself to feel and express the deep grief, loss, anger, betrayal, etc. is inconsistent with eventually moving towards accepting things as they are. I actually think it is an important step along the way.

[mammax3]

Thanks Trimmer. I see what you mean about me confusing the roles. I am. I'm having a hard time getting my head around not having them joined. How long does that take?? I understand that I can't be his fathering 'coach' but I'm concerned that the kids won't get anything from him. And I understand that their R with him has nothing to do with me, but is that true still given they are all under 4? This doesn't have to be established yet, I know it's early days still, but I'd like to have a guess at what I'm working toward... It might be easier if he was showing more of an interest in the kids and in the baby's lives. But since he's not, I can't imagine parenting with this type of father - since there's little fatheriness coming out.

 

Grieving the loss of my H as a Separate character in my life... Maybe I'm too wrapped up in Mummy, but I'm having a hard time with this notion. Do you mean all the things we had as a couple, apart from our kids? The sharing etc that I mentioned above, minus the kids part? I'm surprised to realize that we haven't had much of a R minus the kids over the last year or so, and any of the mourning I'm doing is more in what was and what would have been, not what *is*... I was living our R in the past and the future, not the present. Wow, I didn't know that. Maybe it was due to his travelling, or the kids presence or who-knows-what-else but that must have taken a toll on our R too. I've got some more to think about.

 

I suppose the best co-parenting R's are the ones where both parents have the same long term goal of staying prominent in their kids lives. And are willing and eager to work together to keep the kids in the forefront...These are some of the things I'd like to talk to him about, but it'd become coaching, and if I need to ask him, then maybe he'd only tell me what I wanted to hear? I shouldn't need to ask him to be a part of the kids lives - that should come intuitively out of a Dad that wants to remain in the kids lives, right?

[azianpride143]

For now I would assume the worst. Do not even bother approaching him about his role as a parent. Let him bring it up when it comes up. Sometimes its hard to be the voice of reason since my STBXW only wants to participate in the life of my son (3 yr old) and not my older daughter (13 yr old). It hurts to see how her indifference is towards her. But then she's only hurting herself in the long run. This poor child did not do anything to deserve this kind of treatment. Not much I can do about that.

 

Just assume the worse and live your life as if he never existed. You know your role in your kids lives and you just have to play your part. His part is up to him. He will soon realize how much he would like to participate when you go through the divorce proceedings since that dictates how much child support he needs to provide.

 

You will get emotional at times wondering if he even cares about you at all. Don't buy into any of this "baloney" anymore. It will get to a point where he will try to rope you back in. Hopefully you will be smarter than that. In the long run your relationship may get better or even friendlier. But always be cautious and remember what this person has put you and your kids through.

[Melovator]

 

And to take it one step further, the best thing I did, eventually, was to separate, in my own mind and heart, my wife's role as spouse from her role as parent. If you read back over your original post, I think you will see that for you, the two are still very much intermixed. That's not at all a criticism - it's quite natural - but I found that when I fully accepted that the "character" of my wife (the spouse) was gone (and gone forever), I was able to start dealing with the character of my kids' parent (my "co-parent") in a way that was more healthy for me (and for everyone involved, I believe.)

 

 

Thank you for expressing this so well. I have been trying to find the words for this for my own situation.

[debilou]

Dear Dear Mamma...I'm so sorry that you're having to go thru this...I feel you, I see me (still) in your post.

 

You need to hear and believe and know "HE is a jerk and doesn't deserve you". He sucks...everything about this stinks! You have to pick up the pieces and make your life the best it can be.

 

I know where you're at in your head...even though you may not post it...I can feel it...I was and at times still am there..."why did he leave? we are a family!!! how could he do this and sleep at night???"

 

Sound familiar? This is the hardest thing I've ever had to face. It still hurts. IC is most important. You need someone on your side telling you how to move forward. You didn't deserve this...no one does.

 

I don't really have any words of wisdom...you need support. Do you have any family or friends to help with the kids. I know that's a necessity. You need physical and emotional support.

 

I want you to know that I'm here for you...as much as I can be...you can private message me if you feel the need.....

 

Take care Debilou

[Ladyjane14]

For now I would assume the worst. Do not even bother approaching him about his role as a parent. Let him bring it up when it comes up. Sometimes its hard to be the voice of reason since my STBXW only wants to participate in the life of my son (3 yr old) and not my older daughter (13 yr old). It hurts to see how her indifference is towards her. But then she's only hurting herself in the long run. This poor child did not do anything to deserve this kind of treatment. Not much I can do about that.

 

Just assume the worse and live your life as if he never existed. You know your role in your kids lives and you just have to play your part. His part is up to him. He will soon realize how much he would like to participate when you go through the divorce proceedings since that dictates how much child support he needs to provide.

 

You will get emotional at times wondering if he even cares about you at all. Don't buy into any of this "baloney" anymore. It will get to a point where he will try to rope you back in. Hopefully you will be smarter than that. In the long run your relationship may get better or even friendlier. But always be cautious and remember what this person has put you and your kids through.

 

 

I'm in agreement with AP. "Co-parenting" is nice... but it takes TWO interested parents. And that's not your situation.

 

You've got alot on angst left over for this guy. You're trying to figure out what's in his head... if he regrets what he's done... if he'll regret it some day. Alot of questions, grief, and confusion.

 

But the reality is... he's wrapped up with his twisted, sick, "in love" affair.

Honey, it's extremely unlikely that he's putting himself through all the crap you're going through, worried about the kids, worried about the family. The more likely scenario is that he's floating along on a little cloud, surrounded in a fantasy miasma of what frankly equates to a high school crush.

 

That's what "infatuation" is. You remember it, right? Were you worried about anybody else at the time? ...Probably not. Infatuation brings on a fairly self-involved state of being.

 

The problem is, this guy is NOT a high schooler. He's supposed to be a grown up.

And grown ups don't just walk out on their families.

 

You know, it'd be different if you were some kind of messed up person or if there were irreconcilable relationship differences. But that's not the case, is it? This is one of those rare situations in which the other guy just completely frikkin' flaked. There's nothing to make sense out of when that happens.

 

I really think that the more distance you and your kids have from this guy... the better off you'll all be. Life has a way of moving on. And you're not going to want your ex up your butt all the time later on down the pike. Quite frankly, I think you'll someday find a better man to be a father to those babies, someone who actually has something positive to offer as a role model.

 

Right now your next man may just be a faceless fantasy, but that doesn't mean he won't be along someday. What does it hurt to save a place at the table for him?

[sumdude]

Mammax, have you put away all the reminders of him around the house yet? Taken down ALL the pictures ... painted over the past? If not it's time to start.... If there was a room that was kinda his ... paint it for the baby or the other kids.

 

Find some card or letter from him and do a ritual burning.. Rituals like this will help you..

[mammax3]

Thanks everyone.

 

I've been really working on imagining him out of my life. I remind myself all day that the relationship we had is over and it's not coming back. I don't want a man like that in my life. The life I thought we had was mired in the past and the future, we had no real relationship to speak of. Our marriage is over. Like Melovator, he has no right to know how I'm doing or what I'm doing. My life is my own.

 

You're right LJ, I am thinking and wondering what's going on with him. Not as much as before, but still do. I look at my kids and wonder How? Why? I look at my reflection and wonder If...then...? But I realize that these thoughts can eat me up, so I try to tuck them aside. There was a time when this was what he wanted, but he lost touch and I'm fortunate that it's been shown while I'm still so young (although I have to say, I don't really feel young!!) and so are the kids. My future man is faceless, and I'm not ready for him, anyway. I've tried to imagine anotherr guy in our house, and I can't. It's still too new, of course. But there will be aplace at the table at some point down the road. I like the analogy!

 

AP, thanks for your input. I have to keep reminding myself not to approach him. I almost emailed him about superfluous stuff the other day, but remembered what a lot of you have said, and I just did the task myself. I don't need to ask permission, this is my life!

 

Like I've said dozens of times, it's not him I'm missing, per se, it's a husband that I'm missing. And then it's him from the past that I'm missing. It's all confusing.

 

There's some more updates, but I need to go right now, so I'll come back later. Thx!

[GreenEyedLady]

It's like I've said dozens of times, it's not him I'm missing, per se, it's a husband that I'm missing.

 

First off, hope you and the baby are doing well (and of course you're other two)!:bunny:

 

And second, it's ok to miss him, Mammax...no one expects you to be over him or what he has done...you are in mourning right now...and that's ok...when you give of yourself to someone, your heart and your life, it takes time to get it back...

 

Just don't get bogged down in it...you are right to point out that you are young and you can begin again...that's a positive sign...I wish you the best!

[Melovator]

Hope you're going well Mammax- remember you're amazing, I don't know if I could be in your sitch and not fall apart but then I think mummy-ladies do what they've got to.

 

My future man is faceless, and I'm not ready for him, anyway. I've tried to imagine anotherr guy in our house, and I can't

 

I'm thinking my future faceless man might be men and not in my house. HAve a friend with two different lovers and when one's not available she calls the other, she's buying her own home and has no intention of ever mixing finances again. This seems like an attractive arrangement to me at the moment. She also has two kids and makes it all work. This friend split with her ex when her kids were young (he was screwing a woman who looked just like her but with half her brains and personality) and she's the one who said to me "They can't remember what it was like when we were together, they were too little, and they adjusted and are great kids."

 

You and your kids will be fine, this is a hard time and if I had that magic remote control for life I'd fast forward all this s**t for you do you would be at fine- I'd use it on you first, then me- like when you're lining up for the loo and are desperate and it comes down to whose squeezed the most babies out and has the crappest pelvic floor and gets to get in first. NEVER get in the way of a woman with six kids who has had six scotches- messy!

 

Take care of yourself and your little ones.

[mammax3]

I texted him. Asked if he even wanted to know about the kids, since he hasn't asked or called since last week. I guess that's me either trying to stay connected, or trying to help him parent. :confused: Ya. And his buddy came by the other day to get some of his stuff. I'm an emotional dryer with all the different feelings tumbling around, waiting to get sorted.

 

He asked about the kids, nb and me. Just because I forced his hand? Because he was too nervous to approach me, not knowing how I'd react? So he doesn't look like a total jerk? Who knows. I have to remember not to delve too deeply in what he's doing or feeling (or not delve at all). My text back to him was brief and just a glimmer into the kids. He can ask more next time (?) since he knows that I'll respond.

 

It's been 2.5 months since he told me he wanted to separate. I'm okay, moving towards good. I'm still surprised at the lurch I get when the phone says he's calling, or if I get email or text or whatever. That's hard to turn off, I suppose after so long of looking for his calls.

[azianpride143]

Its normal to feel the way you do but it will pass. You just have to mask your excitement from him, do not sound desperate, or give any hint of any feelings you feel. It's hard to keep it all inside when you talk to him. It all seems to easy to express your feelings and spill it all out. But you have to. This will allow you to protect yourself from getting hurt further. Because you may not like what you will hear. The indifference and the uncaring attitude may be too much to bear. So it's best just to keep it bottled inside. Just cry it off during your time alone.

 

I know you want to connect to him somehow even if you have to use the kids. That's a fact. Your still not over him. My STBXW does this to me all the time. But all she would get would be a simple answer. A yes or a no. Then end of conversation. Let him contact you or the kids when he wants to. You cannot force him to be a father if he chooses not to. You should stop worrying about him. Just think about yourself and your kids. That's all that matters right now.

[Melovator]

I texted him. Asked if he even wanted to know about the kids, since he hasn't asked or called since last week. I guess that's me either trying to stay connected, or trying to help him parent. :confused: Ya. And his buddy came by the other day to get some of his stuff. I'm an emotional dryer with all the different feelings tumbling around, waiting to get sorted.

 

He asked about the kids, nb and me. Just because I forced his hand? Because he was too nervous to approach me, not knowing how I'd react? So he doesn't look like a total jerk? Who knows. I have to remember not to delve too deeply in what he's doing or feeling (or not delve at all). My text back to him was brief and just a glimmer into the kids. He can ask more next time (?) since he knows that I'll respond.

 

It's been 2.5 months since he told me he wanted to separate. I'm okay, moving towards good. I'm still surprised at the lurch I get when the phone says he's calling, or if I get email or text or whatever. That's hard to turn off, I suppose after so long of looking for his calls.

 

Mammax I hope you can do the same thing for me a week from now when I'm all tumbly-turny again (I'm pretty sure this empowerment buzz won't last forever but going with it while I got it) DON"T CALL HIM!!! He wants to be a good father he has to initiate it- all you can do is facilitate it if it happens and when he calls make it clear that you are supportive of his having a relationship with his children. He has to do the work though, he has to decide if he wants to be a good dad or just a name on an envelope and voice down a telephone line.

 

Yes, you're the mummy-lady and you want what is best for your kids, but is it the best thing for them when your efforts to promote a relationship with dad mean you just keep hurting? He's not there- you are. If he doesn't want to be there then its his loss. He's a jerk and every other bad name under the sun and this shouldn't have happened and it isn't fair and it sucks.

 

But you're letting him have all the control. You take control. Don't worry about what he's thinking- you cannot control that- you can only control what you are thinking- SO DON'T THINK ABOUT HIM! Don't text, email, phone or write. Because I know that when I do, I only get wound up, wondering what he's thinking, what he feeling- all that crap again! And then anticipating the response, or worrying over no response. He's not worth doing your head in over!

 

Call his friend to get him to pick up the rest of his stuff and clear him out of your space. Take care of youself, take control of your life and let him worry about his.