FeelingLonely98 Posted October 2, 2009 Share Posted October 2, 2009 OK - So, I am so sick of her and it all by now and want to now protect myself and my family - as well as move on. How can I best bring a divorce proposal to her in a way that would be most conducive to having her agree to just take her "stuff" and nothing else. No split of equity, no split of debts, no alimony, just a clean break. Some of you who have been through this must have some good ideas. I'd rather not get lawyers involved - though I talked to family lawyer friend today. The current state: - 16 yrs together, 7 yrs. married (me: 45 yrs. old, her 47) - 2 kids are mine (16, 17) 1 is hers (19) - I have no debts and maybe $100,000 in total equity. - She has no equity in anything and maybe about $25,000 in debt - including about $15,000 for a new car that I co-signed for so she get a better loan rate. - 5 Weeks ago she said she wanted a divorce and wants to move into an apartment. She can't now because she has no money and no job (since APR). Starts a new low-paying job Monday. I have some blame in the way she eventually felt but it was not that big a deal. Nobody’s perfect. We probably had a better marriage than most. - She had been having an A with a 19 yr. old for about a month before she told me 5 weeks ago !!! (Yes, 19 yrs. old) - She moved into her Mom's 16 days ago and took some clothes. - She has no money for an apartment so she definitely has no money for legal advice. - She has continued banging this little boy and cavorting around town with him. - I thought I wanted her back but now know better. (I still feel I love her but man that is almost all gone.) (If she came back now - i.e., soon, it would be 1000000% on my terms now or even better I will tell too late b*tch!) Anyway, that is a VERY quick synopsis. I thought if I struck now while she is focusing on the OM and partying and fun maybe she would be receptive to finishing it all now on these terms and I can best protect myself and the family from this foolish woman? Also, can I get her to re-fi the car by herself or someway remove my name from the car loan documents? I foresee her defaulting on the car loan and I don't want to be stuck her piece of cr*p car. We live in a no-fault divorce state. Any advice? THANKS ALL!!! [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman] [/FONT][/sIZE] Link to post Share on other sites
phineas Posted October 2, 2009 Share Posted October 2, 2009 you're screwed. LOL! sorry man, but do you really think she will go peacefully into the night? I havn't read your situation but i'm guessing she blames you for her affair. doesn't want to take responcibility for anything, & has no interest in divorce. Just want to carry on her affair? IT'S GOING TO GET NASTY! Get a lawyer. I'd file for bankruptsy to clear the car loan & protect your mortgage. She'll wind up being responcible for it but if you think she will default anyway then what's the difference? You need to batten down the financial hatches & cut your monthly expenditures as much as possible because once she gets a lawyer she will try to take you for everything she can. Is she out of the house? Link to post Share on other sites
MSUE Posted October 2, 2009 Share Posted October 2, 2009 you expect her to walk away and sign a paper ...ok good to go...and take nothing from you? she has no money to afford legal advice? please do not let that ffol you...my XH though the same thing he had made out this whole thing in his head that I was desperate that i would take whatever lil he would offer and sign and go...and expected me to not have legal help at all... newsflash where there is a will the is a way...I managed to hire a top lawyer in my county/state and yes I was at fault but we lived in no-fault state at the time...well needless to say instead of 12K that he wanted to give me...well lets just say I landed a 6 figure deal very early on the process there is a net worth that needs to be filled out and that is a very extensive detailed document includes anything and everything possible...you'd be surprised and its very very very likely that alimony will be granted as well...specially if she is used to a certain lifestyle that you have provided for her and also her debt has an influence... divorce is not a walk in the park...know your rights get the best legal advice you can as it is a very difficult and complex process Link to post Share on other sites
MSUE Posted October 2, 2009 Share Posted October 2, 2009 I'd file for bankruptcy to clear the car loan & protect your mortgage. is not that easy...you don't just go bankrupt...its a lenghthy process and you must must must prove it!!! if you have 0 credit card debt a 700+ credit and equity in the house...not to mention consistent employment and retirement and savings accts lol a lawyer wont even answer the phone a lot of people think bankruptcy is an easy way out and have no clue what the grounds are legal proceedings are for it Link to post Share on other sites
Author FeelingLonely98 Posted October 2, 2009 Author Share Posted October 2, 2009 (edited) Do you think I am making a mistake to tell her on the 35th day that I will grant her the divorce - is this too soon? I am thinking that now she has some guilt, is having fun with her little "boy toy", just started a job today, and may want to just go peacefully into the night. Like I said she has NO money for a lawyer. I am not trying to scr*w her, I just want to protect myself and my family. BTW, this has something to do with me, I have already amends with her step-son and we get along great now. (That was the main issue - never really treated him like my sons.) This is like 99% her MLC going on. She is acting wacked out! This is NOT the woman I married or met 16 yrs. ago. I don't know what to do. Edited October 2, 2009 by FeelingLonely98 Link to post Share on other sites
huggyb Posted October 3, 2009 Share Posted October 3, 2009 1-Never make a decision on an empty stomach. 2-Get your mind on your money & your money on your mind. 3-Talk to a lawyer & financial adviser before you commit to it. 4-Always suspect the worst, never expect the worst. 5-Find a way to shelter some financial resources/funds from the divorce. 6-Use lawyers for knowledge & advice, file your own court papers. 7-Prepare to be at a disadvantage within the family law system. 8-Keep track of everyone that helps you. 9-Her lack of money will haunt you & YOU may have to pay her legal fees. 10-keep at least one hobby. Ten divorce rules to live by. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted October 3, 2009 Share Posted October 3, 2009 1-Never make a decision on an empty stomach. 2-Get your mind on your money & your money on your mind. 3-Talk to a lawyer & financial adviser before you commit to it. 4-Always suspect the worst, never expect the worst. 5-Find a way to shelter some financial resources/funds from the divorce. 6-Use lawyers for knowledge & advice, file your own court papers. 7-Prepare to be at a disadvantage within the family law system. 8-Keep track of everyone that helps you. 9-Her lack of money will haunt you & YOU may have to pay her legal fees. 10-keep at least one hobby. Ten divorce rules to live by. These words should be chilsled on a mountainside! Link to post Share on other sites
BUENG1 Posted October 3, 2009 Share Posted October 3, 2009 (edited) OK - So, I am so sick of her and it all by now and want to now protect myself and my family - as well as move on. How can I best bring a divorce proposal to her in a way that would be most conducive to having her agree to just take her "stuff" and nothing else. No split of equity, no split of debts, no alimony, just a clean break. Some of you who have been through this must have some good ideas. I'd rather not get lawyers involved - though I talked to family lawyer friend today. The current state: - 16 yrs together, 7 yrs. married (me: 45 yrs. old, her 47) - 2 kids are mine (16, 17) 1 is hers (19) - I have no debts and maybe $100,000 in total equity. - She has no equity in anything and maybe about $25,000 in debt - including about $15,000 for a new car that I co-signed for so she get a better loan rate. - 5 Weeks ago she said she wanted a divorce and wants to move into an apartment. She can't now because she has no money and no job (since APR). Starts a new low-paying job Monday. I have some blame in the way she eventually felt but it was not that big a deal. Nobody’s perfect. We probably had a better marriage than most. - She had been having an A with a 19 yr. old for about a month before she told me 5 weeks ago !!! (Yes, 19 yrs. old) - She moved into her Mom's 16 days ago and took some clothes. - She has no money for an apartment so she definitely has no money for legal advice. - She has continued banging this little boy and cavorting around town with him. - I thought I wanted her back but now know better. (I still feel I love her but man that is almost all gone.) (If she came back now - i.e., soon, it would be 1000000% on my terms now or even better I will tell too late b*tch!) Anyway, that is a VERY quick synopsis. I thought if I struck now while she is focusing on the OM and partying and fun maybe she would be receptive to finishing it all now on these terms and I can best protect myself and the family from this foolish woman? Also, can I get her to re-fi the car by herself or someway remove my name from the car loan documents? I foresee her defaulting on the car loan and I don't want to be stuck her piece of cr*p car. We live in a no-fault divorce state. Any advice? THANKS ALL!!! [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman] [/FONT][/sIZE] You need to lawyer up. From what it sounds like you'll have to give her something. Why would she give you everything if she has no money? Edited October 3, 2009 by BUENG1 Link to post Share on other sites
sadintexas Posted October 4, 2009 Share Posted October 4, 2009 Here's what I would do. Draw up the papers. You can download a form online that will work for your state. Put in there what you want. If she signs them, then great. If not, find out what she's wanting to end it amicably. If that's not acceptable to you then it's time to get more legal advice. Getting a PI to gather documentation of the A would probably be helpful. I would wait until after you present her with your settlement offer first. The A might help mitigate damages, i.e. keep you from paying alimony or much alimony. In my state, alimony isn't ever granted, but they do offer temporary spousal support in marriages over ten years only under extreme circumstances. Make sure you know your state law pertaining to divorce. If you're not in a hurry to see anyone else, if she doesn't want to cooperate, then just sit on it. Protect your finances and make sure you don't give her anything else financially. Maybe with the offer (if she doesn't accept right away) tell her this is her chance to get out without hassle from you. If she doesn't accept, you will fight a divorce all the way and (if it's possible in your state) you'll sue the OM for alienation of affection. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted October 4, 2009 Share Posted October 4, 2009 Even if he sues the OM he probably wont get any money from him. He'll be waiting for a min, to get that guap! I'd just divorce her get the kids and be happy without her. sounds like she isnt even worth fighting for... to tell you the truth. I'd think you'd might be better off. The OM is 19, you really think he's in it for the longterm?? lol What if he gets her pregnant I'd rather youd cut the cord before she can sue you for child support on his baby. The divorce WILL get nasty, she will do everything in her power to ruin you. Because that's her nature. you wont walk away from it unscathed. Divorces' are rarely amicable. Link to post Share on other sites
singledad2 Posted October 5, 2009 Share Posted October 5, 2009 I was lucky. STBX was in such a hurry to get out of town, she took the offer I made. She was also aware that she could get nothing if I pulled for abandonment and improper marital conduct. Maybe you can find something that appeals to her readiness to get it over with. I appealed to her vanity and tendency to want a quick fix or be able to take a pill to fix anything. Legal advice is what you need. Your money spent will be worth it in the long run. See if you can convince her to use your lawyer so you don't waste money on 2. See if you can appeal to her sense of you needing all the resources to take care of the family she is abandoning. Good Luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author FeelingLonely98 Posted October 5, 2009 Author Share Posted October 5, 2009 These words should be chilsled on a mountainside! I love this!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author FeelingLonely98 Posted October 5, 2009 Author Share Posted October 5, 2009 OK - I did meet with STBX today. I presented her with the forms. She basically she wants no alimony, no part of the house, and only wants her eblongings (clothes, personal effects, etc.) I said "OK" and inside I screamed "THANK YOU!" Our only tricky situation is a car loan with many years of outstanding debt that I co- signed for. (me = good credit / her = bad credit) P.S., I am consulting an atty - she just does not know it. p.p.s --> I think she left the house thinking differently about all of this. i.e., maybe she is having 2nd thoughts. OK - give it to me --> tell me NOT to go there, not to be stupid, TELL ME NO!!! Thanks for all the advice. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted October 5, 2009 Share Posted October 5, 2009 Awesome!!! you get to leave her and keep the house no problems I'd be doing backflips if I was you! Sounds like you should drop her and keep it moving. Before the OM drops her and she turns her attention back to you!! Time to bounce! Link to post Share on other sites
mark982 Posted October 5, 2009 Share Posted October 5, 2009 since your names on the loan/title, if she's not paying for it just take it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author FeelingLonely98 Posted October 5, 2009 Author Share Posted October 5, 2009 you're screwed. LOL! Is she out of the house? YES, She left 3 weeks ago and is living at Mom's but presumably dating Mr. Romeo. Link to post Share on other sites
seibert253 Posted October 5, 2009 Share Posted October 5, 2009 OK - I did meet with STBX today. I presented her with the forms. She basically she wants no alimony, no part of the house, and only wants her eblongings (clothes, personal effects, etc.) I said "OK" and inside I screamed "THANK YOU!" Our only tricky situation is a car loan with many years of outstanding debt that I co- signed for. (me = good credit / her = bad credit) P.S., I am consulting an atty - she just does not know it. p.p.s --> I think she left the house thinking differently about all of this. i.e., maybe she is having 2nd thoughts. OK - give it to me --> tell me NOT to go there, not to be stupid, TELL ME NO!!! Thanks for all the advice. Dude, get her to sign off, NOW. She's done, let her go and be a slut. This about you, not her. Link to post Share on other sites
MrMayI Posted October 5, 2009 Share Posted October 5, 2009 i was in the same boat with a car. it's actually solely in my name. i owe way less than book value, but the ex's credit is so bad, she can't refinance it for herself. i didn't want to leave her carless, as she has our daughter a couple days a week. i had in the divorce that she will make all payments to me, and provide me with proof of insurance. if she goes a week late on the payment, i go to her house, get in the car, and drive it away. think about something like that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author FeelingLonely98 Posted October 5, 2009 Author Share Posted October 5, 2009 i had in the divorce that she will make all payments to me, and provide me with proof of insurance. if she goes a week late on the payment, i go to her house, get in the car, and drive it away. think about something like that. Wow - That's not a bad idea. Thanks !!! Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted October 6, 2009 Share Posted October 6, 2009 1-Never make a decision on an empty stomach. 2-Get your mind on your money & your money on your mind. 3-Talk to a lawyer & financial adviser before you commit to it. 4-Always suspect the worst, never expect the worst. 5-Find a way to shelter some financial resources/funds from the divorce. 6-Use lawyers for knowledge & advice, file your own court papers. 7-Prepare to be at a disadvantage within the family law system. 8-Keep track of everyone that helps you. 9-Her lack of money will haunt you & YOU may have to pay her legal fees. 10-keep at least one hobby. Ten divorce rules to live by. 11 - Next time, get a prenup, but make it as fair for each as it should be. Link to post Share on other sites
BUENG1 Posted October 6, 2009 Share Posted October 6, 2009 Wow - That's not a bad idea. Thanks !!! I agree with the others. Get her to sign quick before she changes her mind. Unless the car is a Porsche, just pay it off if you can. Link to post Share on other sites
Author FeelingLonely98 Posted October 7, 2009 Author Share Posted October 7, 2009 11 - Next time, get a prenup, but make it as fair for each as it should be. A pre-nup does not seem like a great start to a relationship... but what do I know? Link to post Share on other sites
Author FeelingLonely98 Posted October 8, 2009 Author Share Posted October 8, 2009 I haven't heard from her in 5 days since I "proposed" the divorce to her. Should I contact her again? We decided we would utilize the simplified forms (in our state we have that option) - i.e., if we agree on everything then no lawyers needed. (She has to fill out her Financial affidavit. I will fill out remaining forms and have her review and sign. I'm proposing the forms NOW after less than 6 weeks from when she 1st told me for three reasons: 1. to protect myself 2. because she asked for it 3. becuase I thought this might flip a switch in her to consider reconciliation. Please don't jump all over me for #3 LS guys. If it stimulated her to realize a reconciliation is possible, AND it worked and we ended up happy ... then what is the harm. I am STILL doing it for other reasons - not expecting #3 - but doing it for #1 & #2 so I can move forward. (I would still take her back today and try REALLY hard to heal our relationship. But I feel that feeling of willingness to take her back slipping away quickly. I still love her - even after all she has done to me...) Link to post Share on other sites
Auroracoladybug Posted October 8, 2009 Share Posted October 8, 2009 lonely...I can't fault you for #3 at all...I still feel the same way too. Even after the divorce is final because of our son J and I will have constant communication. I feel like he is finally facing his childhood and may even come to realize how committed to our marriage I was and may want me back...I am not expecting it nor living for it...just wishing for that chance to try again with a clean slate. I would not bring up anything about what he did because I know that he thought he was doing what was best for him and I am a completely different person from who I was when I hurt him...he owes my family a lot for their support over the years but if I chose to be with him and start new it would all be new...I am giving J the divorce because that is the only thing I knew he wanted (and I have pointed this out to him multiple times)...I point blank told him I am divorcing our old marriage but not discounting the possibility of things to be able to be different in the future (ie get back together) Link to post Share on other sites
Author FeelingLonely98 Posted October 9, 2009 Author Share Posted October 9, 2009 I am not expecting it nor living for it...just wishing for that chance to try again with a clean slate. I would not bring up anything about what he did because I know that he thought he was doing what was best for him and I am a completely different person from who I was when I hurt him... but if I chose to be with him and start new it would all be new...I am giving J the divorce because that is the only thing I knew he wanted (and I have pointed this out to him multiple times)...I point blank told him I am divorcing our old marriage but not discounting the possibility of things to be able to be different in the future (ie get back together) Sounds just like where I am Aurora! I wish iot would change soon - but not expecting it. I no longer need her - but I do want her. BTW - I had a job last Fall in Aurora, CO. (S. Peoria Street) Thanks for your words - you're not alone ... neither am I. Link to post Share on other sites
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