condit Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 Married 17 years, 2 children, 12 & 14. The relationship is sexless (1/2 x per month) and lacks any adventure or spontanaity. I have no memory of when my wife last initiated any sort of romance. Vacations are sexless, lingerie is non-existant, etc... I have tried to relay my disappointment and nothing has changed over the last few years. I continue to weigh the pros/cons of keeping the family in tact versus continuing my life without intimacy, romance, and feelings of being wanted. Sometimes I think that sex should be less of my priority and that I should try to live under these conditions. Maybe these conditions are "normal". My wife has said that she really doesn't care for sex and I don't think she has the ability to orgasm. I have bought toys, etc. to try to please her although she has not cared to give this much attention and she has told me that she doesn't really feel much through these toys. I don't know why she isn't more concerned about trying or seeking additional advice but honestly I think she is okay without sex. Is this usual for a 43 year old and will I be disappointed if I think the grass is greener on the outside of this marriage? FYI - my wife has gained weight which is something else that disappoints me... not so much that she is less attractive but more so that she doesn't care to expend the effort to look more attractive to me. I, on the other hand, do work out with some regularity and I would say that I am fairly fit (6'0, 189 lbs.) My wife does not initiate sex ever. In fact, when I do, she acts as if it is a hassle and replies with "are you ready yet?". That is a real downer. Again, she never surprises me and she has not done anything specific to my enjoyment (i.e. oral sex? Years...) I am not sure what to do at this point. I don't feel that she will ever love (sexually/intimately) me, nor am I sure that I can ever feel like she is loving me on her own will if we go through counseling, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 Tricky. Have you looked into couple counselling about this, or into the many self-help books on the subject? Either can give you ideas as to how to broach the subject, explain how you feel and how it affects you, as a starting point. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 Yes I would get into MC or sex counselling ASAP. Your wife must understand that you are not happy with the situation. If this problem is not solved it will go one of 3 ways: 1) Divorce 2) Affair 3) Open marriage Link to post Share on other sites
Mrg37 Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 Dear Condit, I'm sorry that you're going through this situation. I went through something similar with my ex husband who will be 47 this year. We went from almost daily to once per week, then once per month, to occasionally. He was 42 when it started. I did everything I could from suggesting medical advice, hotel dates, mini vacation, sexy lingerie, etc, but nothing worked. When I questioned him he said that sexual needs decrease as people get older. I, just like you believed that I had to accept my situation and give up intimacy. I discovered, exactly one year ago that he had been having an affair with another woman. I don't know the exact length of his infidelity, but since it wasn't the first one I decided to move out with my 3 Children. Now I understand his lack of desire (he was tired of sex) when he came home to his wife. I recommend that you have a serious talk with your wife and consider medical help or counseling. Also, have you done anything to her to not want intimacy with you? When I found out about my ex husbands first affair I was so angry at him that I didn't want any type of intimacy, it took time and counseling to begin sex after his first affair. After almost 23 yrs of marriage and a few of his affairs I decided to end our unhealthy relationship. As for the lack of sex desire, I don't know any healthy 43. Yr old women who has no desire. Good luck! Married 17 years, 2 children, 12 & 14. The relationship is sexless (1/2 x per month) and lacks any adventure or spontanaity. I have no memory of when my wife last initiated any sort of romance. Vacations are sexless, lingerie is non-existant, etc... I have tried to relay my disappointment and nothing has changed over the last few years. I continue to weigh the pros/cons of keeping the family in tact versus continuing my life without intimacy, romance, and feelings of being wanted. Sometimes I think that sex should be less of my priority and that I should try to live under these conditions. Maybe these conditions are "normal". My wife has said that she really doesn't care for sex and I don't think she has the ability to orgasm. I have bought toys, etc. to try to please her although she has not cared to give this much attention and she has told me that she doesn't really feel much through these toys. I don't know why she isn't more concerned about trying or seeking additional advice but honestly I think she is okay without sex. Is this usual for a 43 year old and will I be disappointed if I think the grass is greener on the outside of this marriage? FYI - my wife has gained weight which is something else that disappoints me... not so much that she is less attractive but more so that she doesn't care to expend the effort to look more attractive to me. I, on the other hand, do work out with some regularity and I would say that I am fairly fit (6'0, 189 lbs.) My wife does not initiate sex ever. In fact, when I do, she acts as if it is a hassle and replies with "are you ready yet?". That is a real downer. Again, she never surprises me and she has not done anything specific to my enjoyment (i.e. oral sex? Years...) I am not sure what to do at this point. I don't feel that she will ever love (sexually/intimately) me, nor am I sure that I can ever feel like she is loving me on her own will if we go through counseling, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 Hi OP, welcome to LS How is your non-sexual physical and emotional intimacy outside the bedroom? For example, you arrive home from work after her. How do you re-connect when you walk in the door? So, today, let's say (for example) you come home, give her a warm embrace and kiss and she essentially barely acknowledges your existence as you arrive. That would be a great time to have a heartfelt relationship 'talk', telling her how you feel about that and what you propose to do about that. Example : 'Honey, I love you and want to feel loved in return. When you ignore me like tonight, especially when it happens often, I feel abandoned. I want our marriage to survive so I'm going to make an appointment with a counselor tomorrow so we can work on this together with some neutral help. How do you feel about that?' Listen. What do you think I'm communicating in my example? Link to post Share on other sites
seibert253 Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 My W is approaching 40, not much younger than yours. She too, has become less interested in sex as the years progress. After much unhappiness and frustration, we finally just sat and talked about this. She required more emotional attention leading up to sex, than I was giving her. "Getting my motor running" is how she characterized it. Best way I can describe it is; when you turn your vehicle on, the heater doesn't blow hot air instantly. It takes time for the motor to warm up before you get heat. Same princible. Have you tried, warming up your W's emotional motor, prior to attempting to engage? If you have, and this approach is still not working, then other issues may be in play. Don't forget your W's hormone balance may be changing. Simple hormone therapy will correct this if it's physical. Link to post Share on other sites
Author condit Posted March 21, 2011 Author Share Posted March 21, 2011 All very good points and I appreciate the feedback. Please keep it coming I don't believe that I provide a lot of emotional support as far as warming up the engine before turning the heater on since it has become somewhat of a vicious cycle. I think the next step may be to recommend counseling and see if she feels that is worth the "investment" or otherwise ask for suggestions from her as far as how she would recommend we work on the problems. I also think she needs to seed medical advice and maybe I should make that a requirement since knowing the problem around that is critical to understanding what might be physically possible, ultimately having a lot to do with expectations. Also. One response suggests that there isn't any healthy 43 YO that doesn't enjoy intimacy. I believe I have someone that has this low on the priority list and I keep telling myself that this may just be a bad match up. When I look at our earlier days and how we met, she was a virgin (college) and not experimenting back then either. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 I think the next step may be to recommend counseling and see if she feels that is worth the "investment" or otherwise ask for suggestions from her as far as how she would recommend we work on the problems. The danger with taking such a delicate approach is that she will say there are no problems as far as she is concerned. She may be perfectly happy with the status quo, and say that all the problems are yours. Don't fall into this trap. You are not happy with your marriage and understandably so. You have a genuine grievance which is quite common and if left unchecked will cause major problems in your marriage. Do not be fobbed off with "it's your problem get over it". Rather than making recommendations and asking her opinion, I would be more proactive. Say you are not happy in your marriage and you want to go to counseling to try to save it. Let her know what is on the line here. If she is not prepared to co-operate then this situation will end in one of the 3 ways I posted above. Link to post Share on other sites
Author condit Posted March 22, 2011 Author Share Posted March 22, 2011 PegNose, you are probably right on. I asked my wife to talk last night and I laid out my unhappiness and the fact that I find that she must be unhappy. I said that I expect more from a relationship and then she went on about things that make her upset. One item of importance that I should note.... I had what she calls a hair band in my car that I couldn't say where it came from. I have a company car and drive many people around through the course of the year (demonstrations, site visits, etc). I really don't know whose it is but I have sworn to her that I have not been unfaithful. This was like 6 months ago and she is now bringing this back up. I told her that I am now very disappointed in that she doesn't even trust me. That is how I feel I asked her how she wanted to handle the next steps and she didn't answer. She turned off her light and we stared at the ceiling until she rolled over and went to sleep. She is never one to start the conversation or even engage in the conversation for that matter. It is now morning and we are not talking to one another. We are passing as we get the kids out the door and we both prepare for work. Now what? Do I wait for her to respond or do I just take the next step and insist on counseling. Is Counseling really going to help here? I am starting to feel like there are some fundamentals that may never be normal again (intimacy, communication,...). I imagine reading this it must look so simple. Remember this is just my side of the story. It is probably true that I don't clean around the house as much, I only touch her when I want sex, blah, blah, blah. Link to post Share on other sites
Author condit Posted March 22, 2011 Author Share Posted March 22, 2011 Update - no "good-bye" as she left for work. No acknowledgement around last nights conversation. Again, this must sound crazy to any readers of this thread. I don't even know if counseling is right since it may only reel us back in against her will. I mean, if she cared would she really act this way? Really? Is there any good explanation? I am lost although starting to think she is not enamored with me enough to act concerned. Will I get a simple text? No... Will she suggest ways to try to work this? I doubt it.... Worse of all - I don't even know who to talk to about this. Obviously - I am in a forum :-) I don't want to tell anyone in my family since that jeopardizes their relationship with my wife if this should come back around. I don't know of real good friends that had a similar situation. I wish I could have more guidance on something that no one wants to face head on. Thank you all for continued help and input. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 You have serious communication problems in your relationship. That's definitely a problem that both of you have, not just you and not just her, but both. A counselor will help with that. They will ask each of you what you want out of the relationship, what issues you feel there are, and what you want to do about it. Try not to get bogged down on the sex issue, I think this is more of a symptom than the cause. If your communication issues are sorted out then the sex will follow on its own. They do not have a magic wand that will fix everything but they get you talking, and talking about the right things. I think this would definitely be good for you two. I would say you need to take a proactive role in sorting it out, since she seems prepared to just bury her head in the sand. Eventually it will all go horribly wrong if left unchecked. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 Make that MC appointment today. If she refuses, go alone. You will, if you want to, learn how to communicate more clearly and center yourself to become a more effective co-parent after the divorce. Time to turn her world upside down. Women aren't fragile. She'll be fine. Hug the kids. Link to post Share on other sites
What_Next Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 I agree, your communication in your marriage has completely broken down. You are seeing things your way, she is seeing things her way. It's like both sides are happily entrenced and neither is willing to run out onto the battlefield for fear of getting their heads blown off. A bit over the top I know... The thing is you perceive your wife as someone not willing to initiate conversation or debate, she might see it quite differently. A councilor will help you BOTH flesh that out. There's almost no doubt that if you allow things to continue down the path they are on it will end badly. This is also not something you are likely to fix yourself. Make that MC appointment. Start the ball rolling. Link to post Share on other sites
Author condit Posted March 23, 2011 Author Share Posted March 23, 2011 Update - we didn't talk at all last night. This morning I approached her and told her that I was disappointed that she hasn't said anything considering the significance of all of this. I think she is really hurt and she said that she went straight to bed since she didn't sleep at all the night before. She is willing to go to counseling. When we spoke this morning, after I approached her, she had a lot to add. I have to say that sometimes her account of what has happened in the past and the "feelings" and "conclusions" she draws don't always seem understandable to me. We are going to try counseling since it sounds like she wants it to work out. She still thinks that all I want is sex though and now I am not sure things can ever be normal in the department. I am sure that is a guy's view. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 23, 2011 Share Posted March 23, 2011 She is willing to go to counseling Cool. It's noon here in Cali. Make the call. You could likely get a slot with a good counselor in the next couple days if you're flexible about time. Cancellations happen every day Link to post Share on other sites
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