31 years .. and wife is in love with another man

[oldman59]

Wife and I will be married 31 years in a couple of weeks. Have been together for 33. We have 2 daughters one 17 and one 24

 

20 years ago I had an affair with another woman as the result of not feeling appreciated and felt badgered. I came back and devoted all of my effort to making our family work

 

We have been having money problems foir the last 5 years (I have my own consulting business) of so but hanging on by adding more debt. With the credit crisis of 2008, it forced to me focus more and more on my business and less on her and lead her to feel negelected. To compensate she would buy herself or our daughters things to make her feel better.. but at the same time pushing me to work more.

 

She approached me the week before Christmas and siad she wanted to move back to CT were we were when I had the affair. When I said it would be a challenge due to my business she said the wanted to go alone. I had been suspecious of her having an affainr with a guy that was a good friend of hers from a job she had in the mid 80's. When I had my affair he offered to take her to France to get away from my other woman. They had had lunch many tiomes between and she said (and I still believe) at that time she was not interested. I believe he was pursuing her all those years, waiting for his opportunity

 

Sometime about 9-12 months ago she fell for this guy while going to another town to be with a dying uncle. I saw the number of texts increase dramatically about 6 months ago and was suspecious, but based on how my wife always spoke of people who cheated on their spouses (Cheaters were the most vile peopel on earth).. "she would never do that".. well I was wrong and confirmed she was having both an EA and a PA around Christmas of last year.

 

I threatened to tell the kids of her affair with the OP and get it out in the open and she was afraid I would follow through on that threat so she told our younger daughter by herself of the other man. She never did tell out older daughter.

 

She had been going to a Therapist and she was basically guiding her to do what she wanted to be "happy". It was so bad that the therapist had actually met the OP long before I met the therapist. In Jan of this year she said arranged a meeting with the therapist basically to tell me we were over and she was moving out.. felt like a fool to have her spend the money to get re-inforcements to tell me it was over.

 

I started seeing a therapist and was put on an antidepressant.

 

She moved out and the next weekend went to CT to spend the weekend with the OP. Our older daughter called the house during that weekend and I had to tell her what was going on as my wife and I never did. She was very upset and flew up from FL to be with me on Saturday night. My wife stayed with the OP for the weekend and finally came home Monday morning. We had a big discussion with our daughters and my wife said she would put family first. Everybody calmed down, but after I found my wife texting the OP from her bath and realizing she had at best mislead our daughters, I told her she had to be honest with our older daughter and explain what family first really meant.. she was assuming as long as she did not go to CT it was OK.. She never did. Saying it none of her daughters business who she sees or what she does

 

After about a month she had to move out of the temporary appartment where she was staying.. and then stayed with a neighbor for a week and then back home.

 

For the last 3 months she has basicallly spent every other weekend with the OP. I have picked up all of the housework and have done everything I could to win her back and make her see reality.

 

Her parents were not well so we traveled about 8 hours several time to help then move about 150 miles away to a smaller place closer to my wifes brother. fr the last 5 days I was at the new place working at painting, tiling, cleaning, etc getting it ready to move in. while we are at her parents we sleep together, but at home I sleep on the sofa and her in our bedroom.

 

She says she is in love with the OP and has a "connection" to him, but she still loves me.

 

Based on the therapists suggestions and for our younger daughter I moved out about a month ago, but then she was sick so I came back to take care of her.. also realizing how much I miss our family I am now moving back.

 

But I know she will continue to go see him about every other weekend.

 

If she really wanted out I think she would be getting a job to be able to move out on her own.

I told her to go move in with the OP, but she said she wants to be close to our 17 yo daughter.

The OP is married but has separated and moved into his own appartment.

 

I hate to say its over but is there anything I should or should not be doing to get us back on track. I am very much still in love with her and want her back. My therapist tells me that I have the patience of Job, but she is concerned that if I do not move on I will not be helping myself.

 

I am loooking for any constructive commenst/ suggestions

 

Sorry this is so long,, but there is even more.. this is one of the most unusual separations/ splits I have every seen or heard of.

[dreamingoftigers]

Actually this isn't as unusual or as uncommon as you may think. We see a lot of items like your separation here on LS.

 

Good for you for reaching out for help and support and welcome to LS

 

I have been going through a very odd circumstance in my marriage myself.

 

There have been many pieces of advice on here that help and many that don't/are only holding the poster's agenda at hand.

 

Typically there are some very basic groundwork rules that I suggest for someone going through this type of scenario, the first is a list that can be easily googles called the: Divorce Buster's 180.

 

The 180 seems counter-intuitive as it basically recommends backing off of your spouse.

 

Secondly I would expose the affair to any relatives etc. If the OM is married or anything (doesn't sound like it) then I would definitely expose that too.

 

Thirdly, there are just a couple things that make this a bit outside of my surety on where to set some lines. I.e. Canceling joint things/ legal responsibility etc.

 

I strongly suggest contacting Divorce Buster's directly and speaking with a coach. It sounds as though your wife is deeply in the "affair fog" and I get the feeling that she is pretty entrenched more then usual.

 

I also get the feeling that you have been fairly unconnected for a long time. There is just something I can't quite put my finger on from your post that underlines this. But the Divorce Busting folks have been doing this for awhile and they were great with me (I liked Dottie).

 

Just for the record. I am not any kind of advertiser or spammer or such. I really hope that your marriage can be reconciled, my parents were together for 31 years when my father stepped out. That was two years ago and he needed his ass booted out of affair fog.

 

I can say that no matter what your wife says she IS betraying her family and yes it does truly trouble her daughters. It really messes with your head and then everyone says it isn't "any of your business." quite frankly adultery upsets people at s distance, having one (or both) of your parents take part in it does mess in your head.

[NXS]

Oldman, sorry to hear about your situation, it must feel devastating after such a long marriage.

 

I can't give much advice about getting your wife back however it seems to me like you're nothing more than an ATM, working hard to support her lifestyle. You wonder why she won't move out and get a job, well she doesn't have to because she has the best of both worlds and you're supporting her. Furthermore I don't see why you should move out of your own home because of her affair. My advice would be to keep closer tabs on your finances and let her get a job or get her new OM to support her, stop being a slave.

[linwood]

You need to expose the affair to everyone.

If the OM has a wife/family tell his wife.

Tell your family.

Cut off all finances from your wife.

 

DO NOT MOVE OUT OF YOUR HOUSE AGAIN!!!!!!!!!

 

If she gets pissed and wants separation she leaves, after all she`s the one ****ing around.

 

She has no need to stop her affair because you are not only allowing it you`re financing it!!

 

Cut her off, depending on how she reacts you may even want to have her served divorce papers.

You don`t have to actually file those divorce papers but you do have to do something to get her to realize there are consequences for what she is doing.

If nothing else works having her served should wake her up quickly.

 

Call a lawyer.

[dreamingoftigers]

Actually that is it in this circumstance, the financial end of things will wake her up. She seems to think that you will take anything she throws at you.

[linwood]

Actually that is it in this circumstance, the financial end of things will wake her up. She seems to think that you will take anything she throws at you.

 

Yeah, I`m thinking after 31 years of what seems to be a nice comfy life having to worry about rent all of a sudden might have an impact.

[dreamingoftigers]

Yeah, I`m thinking after 31 years of what seems to be a nice comfy life having to worry about rent all of a sudden might have an impact.

 

Totally, and if OM is all comfortable in his "bachelor pad" he isn't going to want a real-life wife at this stage of the game.

 

I give it two weeks once you start laying down the law.

[oldman59]

Few answers..

 

1) other man is married, I did call his spouse and told her of the PA and of course to both my wife and the OM I was a terrible person.. sooo.. mean..

 

2) She says she has felt unconnected for about 2 years, roughly the time we stopped taking family vacations.. I felt I could not afford them.

 

3) whenever I would bring up money issues she would say.. "Its all about MONEY".. thats all you care about.. now we cannot afford our house and I have been taking money from my IRA to keep us going.

[oldman59]

Other man would probably welcome her at his bacholor pad.. but she does not want to go because she will not see her 17 YO enough..

[linwood]

Other man would probably welcome her at his bacholor pad.. but she does not want to go because she will not see her 17 YO enough..

 

It`s just fine if he welcomes her.

Don`t ask her if she`d like to leave, have her served.

Make her leave.

 

The point is she won`t be able to deal with it.

Away from her kids, thrown into an alien lifestyle, no finances, divorce imminent, husband moving on.

Not to mention those little quirks of living together we all have to get used to.

Do you think she`s going to be able to train a new man after 30+ years?

Do you think she`s in a stage of life where she can handle that?

She won`t have the patience for that.

 

You have to get pro-active oldman, you have to do it now.

 

She`s disrespecting you in a seriously major way.

Take back your self-respect.

[linwood]

OK, I missed your second to last post.

 

You say the OM is married but then in the next post you say he`s got a bachelor pad.

 

What`s up with that?

 

Did his wife kick him out when you exposed the affair to her?

If she did you should take a lesson from that woman.

 

BTW, exposing the affair to his wife was the absolute correct thing to do.

Kudos.

[John Michael Kane]

Just remember you're not so innocent in this, so don't act like what she's doing is foreign land to you.

[dreamingoftigers]

Few answers..

 

1) other man is married, I did call his spouse and told her of the PA and of course to both my wife and the OM I was a terrible person.. sooo.. mean..

 

That will be the case, it is part of shaking her out of the fog. Well done.

 

2) She says she has felt unconnected for about 2 years, roughly the time we stopped taking family vacations.. I felt I could not afford them.

 

There might be a factor in the vacations, maybe even just a break from the everyday that helps. The only thing to garner from this is that something that was working has changed.

 

3) whenever I would bring up money issues she would say.. "Its all about MONEY".. thats all you care about.. now we cannot afford our house and I have been taking money from my IRA to keep us going.

 

Clearly the money conversation isn't working right now. Relieve her of her stress by forcing her to support herself. Often women in the fog don't see the whole package. In fact, guaranteed they don't.

 

I had to kick my husband out in -30 with nothing but a backpack and laptop. I wouldn't even let him take the car to sleep in. He woke up.

 

Other man would probably welcome her at his bacholor pad.. but she does not want to go because she will not see her 17 YO enough..

 

Then that is the route to go. Put her on the path to her choices. WS rarely want what they wish for.

 

This first part is a rough ride but if you play your cards right, you come out on top and she looks back and smacks her forehead.

[oldman59]

Yes we stopped simply because we could not afford it. Even though vacations were cheap because we have a timeshare, it was all the other tings. airfair/ food, etc that would run 2-3000. She seems to think they were "free". In the meantime she was spending $2500/mo on AMEX (for her and daughter mostly clothes). Also Daughter rides so the horse is also a big expense. I have told her many times that you cannot spend the money you make twice.. but he comeback was always I was worth more and shoud charge more.

[NXS]

Oldman, cut her off financially and stop letting her make you feel guilty about money. You're working your ass off to try and earn it while she's leaking it like a sieve and trying to blame you. She's also training your daughter to do the same, stand up for yourself and stop this madness. Just give your daughter an allowance and let her budget.

 

If your wife wants an affair then she can work to pay for it or get the OM to be a sucker and support her.

 

Don't move out of your house.

[NXS]

Oh and cancel the credit card immediately!!

[dreamingoftigers]

Oldman, cut her off financially and stop letting her make you feel guilty about money. You're working your ass off to try and earn it while she's leaking it like a sieve and trying to blame you. She's also training your daughter to do the same, stand up for yourself and stop this madness. Just give your daughter an allowance and let her budget.

 

If your wife wants an affair then she can work to pay for it or get the OM to be a sucker and support her.

 

Don't move out of your house.

 

Your wife is very immature when it comes to finances and reality. I have seen other women like this and they are usually kept women.

 

I can't imagine a $35000 per year spending budget! I don't think that I even made that last year!

 

My mother is similar but could accept the broke times, until she started doing taxes then she could see the reality.

 

You wife probably also views money as the way that she is valued. There isn't necessarily anything wrong with that as long as it is balanced etc. You can't "value" someone 3K a month if you are only making 2K.

 

The whole idea isn't realistic anyways.

 

You need to close the bank no matter how scary it may seem. She won't be gone for long.

[dreamingoftigers]

Oh and cancel the credit card immediately!!

 

Like, yesterday!

 

Oh yeah and ship me a couple grand just for kicks, we can pretend I am your OW.

 

Just kidding!

[oldman59]

She was planning to go to "CT" supposedly to see a girlfriend but I believed that she would at least see the OM, or possibly spend the nights with him. I told her that if she went I would no longer treat her as my wife, but just as an aquaintance. I would cancel her Credit Cards, Cancel her phone (she has a second phone for the OM), and stop doing the things a husband does. She is very upset with me, but is staying home.

 

She always accused me of being "only about the money" but now that I am trying to force her to realize that she has to support herself she is also worried about the money. It pains me greatly that she is upset with me, but I will try to bear with it and see if she wakes up.

[NXS]

She was planning to go to "CT" supposedly to see a girlfriend but I believed that she would at least see the OM, or possibly spend the nights with him. I told her that if she went I would no longer treat her as my wife, but just as an aquaintance. I would cancel her Credit Cards, Cancel her phone (she has a second phone for the OM), and stop doing the things a husband does. She is very upset with me, but is staying home.

 

Cancel them anyway, it's time for her to face reality.

 

She always accused me of being "only about the money" but now that I am trying to force her to realize that she has to support herself she is also worried about the money. It pains me greatly that she is upset with me, but I will try to bear with it and see if she wakes up.

 

So what if she's 'upset' with you, remember she's the one having the affair.

[dreamingoftigers]

She was planning to go to "CT" supposedly to see a girlfriend but I believed that she would at least see the OM, or possibly spend the nights with him. I told her that if she went I would no longer treat her as my wife, but just as an aquaintance. I would cancel her Credit Cards, Cancel her phone (she has a second phone for the OM), and stop doing the things a husband does. She is very upset with me, but is staying home.

 

She always accused me of being "only about the money" but now that I am trying to force her to realize that she has to support herself she is also worried about the money. It pains me greatly that she is upset with me, but I will try to bear with it and see if she wakes up.

 

Um, it seems like she is "only about the money." You should cancel her credit card anyways! She is screwing around! Listen to yourself man, you used it as a trick to control her movements, the idea is that her choices are her problem, not that you get to pull the strings.

[oldman59]

This morning I asked her again to work on us, and she said she does not like my "dark side". Asked her what that was and she said my threats about taking the credit cards, car, phone, etc.. She decided on her own to do those things.. So her credit cards are gone, and her phone will be transfered to the OM tomorrow. She says she no longer wants to be my wife. I replied that is fine, just do not expect to be treated like my wife.

 

I did have her read this post and she was basically saying, yes its my fault for spending too much. she still doesn't realize even now that going separate ways will cost more (emotionally and financially) than working to stay together.

 

Very difficult for me, but as I have told her since last December when this nightmare has started.. she is driving the bus and who she hurts or who she tosses out (me), or who she runs over (one daughter) is totally up to her.

 

Lots of pain that I would not wish on anyone.

[worlybear]

Hang on in there and post whenever you need to.

Hugs:bunny::bunny:

[soserious1]

This morning I asked her again to work on us, and she said she does not like my "dark side". Asked her what that was and she said my threats about taking the credit cards, car, phone, etc.. She decided on her own to do those things.. So her credit cards are gone, and her phone will be transfered to the OM tomorrow. She says she no longer wants to be my wife. I replied that is fine, just do not expect to be treated like my wife.

 

I did have her read this post and she was basically saying, yes its my fault for spending too much. she still doesn't realize even now that going separate ways will cost more (emotionally and financially) than working to stay together.

 

Very difficult for me, but as I have told her since last December when this nightmare has started.. she is driving the bus and who she hurts or who she tosses out (me), or who she runs over (one daughter) is totally up to her.

 

Lots of pain that I would not wish on anyone.

 

Credit cards in her name, gone, phone gone, a good start, next you need to ask her to surrender her car keys, then you hand her an itemized bill for 1/2 of the normal costs of running the house, including the house note.

[NXS]

This morning I asked her again to work on us, and she said she does not like my "dark side". Asked her what that was and she said my threats about taking the credit cards, car, phone, etc..

 

It amuses me how some women use dramatic language like "dark side", "vibes" etc to make some men out to be sinister or creepy. I wonder how someone who lies and cheats would be described?

 

She decided on her own to do those things.. So her credit cards are gone, and her phone will be transfered to the OM tomorrow. She says she no longer wants to be my wife. I replied that is fine, just do not expect to be treated like my wife.

 

Well it looks like things have come to a head, there's no more ambiguity about the situation and you can now make decisions based on this.

 

I did have her read this post and she was basically saying, yes its my fault for spending too much.

 

I don't know why you showed her this thread, the whole point of posting here is to retain anonymity so you can vent, seek advice etc. Now you can't do that with anonymity and any advice given to you will be known and forewarned, your venting will also be known.

 

she still doesn't realize even now that going separate ways will cost more (emotionally and financially) than working to stay together.

 

It's out of your hands now, she will have to face the consequences of her actions like every other adult.

 

Lots of pain that I would not wish on anyone.

 

Most people here would say keep venting but there's no point as you've already given up your anonymity.