It just never gets better

[JustTired]

What do you do when you are just generally unhappy with your relationship, and know that it is not going to get better, but your significant other hasn't cheated on you and you don't truly hate them?

 

I am 29 and I have been married for 7 years, together for 10, and we don't have any kids. There are alot of small things that really rub me the wrong way, but in really thinking about it, the basis for my unhappyness is only a couple of things:

 

1) I have spent my whole life trying to better myself, physically, mentally, and spiritually. I have improved almost every aspect of my life that I have any part of control over, but every single step has been a fight where my wife feels that I am growing apart from her, or that I am picking hobbies that take me apart from her etc.

 

The thing is, I encourage my wife to better herself, I don't nag, I don't force, but all she does is sit at home playing on her computer and her iPhone. I do the majority of the housework, yardwork, bills, cars, appointments, etc. But when I get home, she proceeds to complain for hours about the latest drama on an online forum or with her family, etc.

 

2) I want to do things, I would love to travel, I would love to spend a week hiking the Appalachian trail, or running a marathon in Hawaii, maybe go overseas and see the sights in Europe or something. However in the 10 years we have been together we have not been able to take a single vacation because my wife will not go if we can't do everything 5 star, it would cost several thousand dollars just to go somewhere local for a couple days doing it the way she requires. I make about 75k/year and we don't have any student debt or credit card debt. We just have one car payment and our house payment. But through my wife, we squander literally thousands on going out to eat, shopping, etc. When left on my own, I rarely spend money on anything, but yet we never have more than a weeks worth of money in the bank after she has spent what she wants. We have spent years trying to correct this, but its all for nothing I feel.

 

I just feel I am in a rut that will never end, honestly one of the main things that has kept me in this relationship is the fact that I truly don't know how my wife would manage if she was left on her own, she barely holds it together when I am taking care of her every need.

 

Looking back to see why we got married in the first place I just see bad reasons, we got married right out of high school, and I was mostly rescuing her from a bad home and thinking that things would get better once we were married and they really just never did.

 

What do you do when there isn't anything that is truly aweful, but you know it will never get any better?

[Steen719]

In one way, your situation is more difficult than if you find your spouse is having an affair. I mean, it is devastating and you go through hell trying to come out on the other side, but often, you have no choice but to go through it and feeling better comes after a while. Your situation, however, calls for you to make a decision on whether you just want to let this marriage go. You have no kids yet, so that is a positive thing. That can make you stay sometimes and it may not be the right thing to do.

Have you considered counseling for the both of you? It sounds like you both could benefit from it; individually and together. It might really give you a better perspective on what your true feelings are about her and your marriage and the same for her. At this point, what could it hurt? Just try to ask around and find out who is good and get recommendations from other people who have gone to counseling. If you do not want to ask someone you know, look up the reviews on the counselors you are thinking about going to. You also can contact good divorce attorneys in your area and ask them who they recommend. They are bound to know who might have recommendations from their clients.

I would not make any decisions right now. You do not have to, so don't. You can make a decision later after you have tried to sort out your feelings. Good luck to you.