me !!!!!!!

[atcta]

Hi guys,

 

I'm new here and found your site to be the right thing for me to have right now, as I have some major problems and don't know how to deal with them.

 

My name is At, from a small country town in South Africa.

 

I'm male, 28 years old, and irrigation designer.

 

Some background first:

 

I met my wife 10 years ago, she moved in with here uncle and aunt, who lived accross the street from my parent's house. I've known the uncle and aunt for years. Uncle Smiley and Auntie Rina, very nice people they were.

 

I noticed this girl coming out the gate every morning, walking to work. (In this town, being so small, a lot of people just take a stroll to work). In the evenings she would come home as I sat on the porch having a cup of coffee. I loved the routine: got home from work, sat on the porch. had a cup of coffe and a cigarette. Every single evening after she came home, she would walk to the nearby store, and as she passed our house, greet politely. She was stunning! She had this petite body, and long blonde hair, blowing in the wind. I told myself that I HAD to meet this girl.

 

We actually met at her workplace, as I had to do some work for them when the changed their landscaping at the offices where she worked. It was a professional "Hi, I'm Charmain" and a "Hello I'm At". Strictly bussiness. At least I knew her name now.

 

One morning as I drove out the yard on my way to work, I saw her walking in the same direction as I was going, and stopped and offered her a lift to work, at least she knew who I was, what I do and where I lived. She politely accepted the offer and got in to my truck. She had the most stunning eyes I ever saw, and the most beautiful smile one can think of. We didn't really talk about much in my truck, as the drive were relatively short. I dropped her off in front of the entrance to her building.

I said to her that my office were right donw the street from her workplace, so she could have a lift that afternoon to home, as I had to drive past her work from my office, and I knew we knocked off at the same time. She accepted the offer again, and we arranged that she would meet me at the entrance of her work that afternoon.

 

The sheer thought of her buggered my mind up for that whole day, I *****ed up two designs that day, becuase my head wasn't at work that day. I kept seeing that blue eyes and stunning smile in front of me. U knew she was single, as I never saw her leave with someone or someone visit her at home, so I decided that I would ask her out that afternoon as we drove home.

 

I got to her workplace on time, and found her waiting for me at the gate, she got in my truck and greeted with a polite "Hello". She commented on the nice big trees we in this little town and that she liked the stress free life here, and the kindness of people. I had to make my move, and did. "What do think, should we have some coffee tonight at my place?" I asked. She smiled and said she would like that, since she doesn't know many people in town yet, and would like to get out of the house for change.

 

She made my day, she said yes, she is having coffe with me tonight!!!!!!! I was in heaven.

 

She walked accross the street at the time we arranged, and rang the doorbell, my father opened and greeted and welcomed her in our home. I greeted her and invited her to the kitchen to help me with the coffee. We spent hours in the garden that night, just having coffee, chatting and luaghing. We made an arrangment that she would drive to and from work with me every day.

 

The next morning I picked her up, dropped her off, the afternoon I picked her off and dropped her in front of her uncle's house. She informed that her uncle said to her that he knew me for years, since a toddler and that they liked me cuase I was a good kid.

 

She invited at their house that night, "to return the favour", I accepted.

 

Again we spent hours just talking, making silly jokes, and having a few cups of coffee. As I got in bed that night I knew I was in love!!!!

 

The lift-to-work thing kept on going and soon I started getting signals from her side.

 

We started dating soon after, and eventually moved into a flat together. I lived the dream, we had it all, we were young, happy and madly in love! I could feel the love she had for me, the appreciation, the kindness. I gave her my all, and we were really happy! The sexlife were of such kind that I couldn;t believe it was possible to be so great, for both of us. She told me how I good I was in bed, which made me feel great. We were really really happy.

 

We got engaged after about 3 years of living together, and got married soon after. We bought a new house, and moved in as newly weds. We had it all, we had a decent income, nice jobs, a nice home in the country, we had it all. After about three years of being married we decided that a family was in order. We tried to get pregnant, and did. She was pregnant about 3 weeks when she a miscarriage, which really hit us hard. We got pregnant again after a few months, only to have another miscarriage when she was about 3 months pregnant. We decided that we would try one last time, as the miscarriages really wasn;t something I would wish upon my biggest enemies. It was dreadful, it was sad, but we stood by one another and helped each other get trough it. We got pregnant again, and she gave birth to most most beautiful and healthy little girl. Emma Alexis.

 

Now we really had it all, we were in love, happily married, in our own home, had a stuning little girl, we enjoyed a very fulfilling sex life.

 

Many times I thought to myself: "I must have done something really good for God to bless me with al these nice things, a stunning sexy wife, a nice home, and a healthy little girl, thanks God."

 

Being a Christian, I thanked God many many times for the good life he gave us.

 

 

 

Fast forward three years:

 

I saw an ad for a vacant post on a farm, for the job that I do, I didn't look for a job, I just saw it by accident, and told the wife about it.

 

It was for an enormous company, right next to the ocean! We thought it through and decided that a life next to the sea on a famr would be great, I applied for the job, and got it!

 

We decided that my wife would stay here for a month or so, while I go and get things ready for them to join me, she kept on working at her old job.

 

I've been there for about 2 months, already had house rented, all were going to plan, when I started noticing strange things in the company that I now worked for, things I didn't like. The wheather also got to me a little, as I'm not used to winter rains, and the constant winds.

 

I spoke to my wife every day for the two months I've been there, and told her about the things I didn't like there. She phoned me one afternoon and told me that she had second thoughts about going there, which I also had. We decided that we would miss this little town too much, and that we were really were happy here. We decided that she would keep her job here, and that I would come home.

 

They received me with wide open arms, I didn't see them for two months!

The little one couldn't stop hugging and kissing her daddy, and later that night when baby went to sleep, the wife also couldn't keep her hands off me, right there I remembered the great and exciting sex life we were having! It was awesome!

 

We continued the great life, had a happy marriage and saw our little one grow up in a happy home.

 

Like in all marriages, we had our little problem and sometimes, sometimes had a fight, but always made up again. The sex got less and less as we grew older, she is now 33.

 

I would sometimes ask for sex, and she would just get angry and said I shouldn't push her into something. It was painful for me, knowing we once had the best sex in the world, and that it now happed only like once a month, if that much.

 

The affection also diminished, she wouldn't put her arm around me anymore like she used to, wouldn't hold me tight in bed anymore, wouldn't go to sleep with her head on my chest anymore....

 

I couldn't even hold her at night, she would lay on her side, with her back to me, and I would put my arm around her to hold her, only to get hand slapped away and being told that I shouldn't crowd her.

 

We didn't talk and chat anymore, like in the old days, I couldn't feel any love from her anymore. Trying to talk to her about it, would only end up in a huge fight, with no answers.

 

I knew and still know that there were never anyone else in her life, she never cheated on me and I believe she never will either, she's not that type of person.

 

One night after having a few glasses of wine, she started talking to me, telling me that she doesn't see the marriage going forward, and that she thought of seperation. She told that the bad things she would say to me, the fights, the insults, were all part of her plan to try and get me to leave her out of my own will. She would really be nasty to me, for instance, I would be called "useless" when she comes home from somewhere and found that I had not washed the dishes.

 

Strangely enough, I loved her so much that I didn't take this to heart, as I thought she may drank a little too much that night, and maybe didn't mean the things she said. One thing were for certain, the insults that I got were never out of being drunk, it would happen anytime in the day, she really made me feel bead sometimes.

 

We talked less and less, and sometimes she would only answer with a nod or "mmm".

 

This broke my heart, I love this woman, and want us to be happy together, to feel her love again.

 

She had no respect for me anymore, she would do as she please, nevermind what I said or asked, like when she invites people over, she would drink quite a lot, and then tell me they are going out, I should stay home and watch the little one. I would ask her / plead to her to stay and not go out, afterwhich she would tell me that she will as she likes, and I'm not telling her what and what not to do.

 

I still believe she never cheated on me.

 

We became really unhappy, due to her doing. I asked her numerous times to talk to me about the things that she's unhappy about, so that we can fix our marriage. She wouldn't talk about it, or just tell me how I do everything wrong, and that silly things in the past drove us apart, which is total bull****!

 

About three weeks ago, we got up one morning, and started to get ready for work. As I sat on the edge of the bed, putting my shoes on, she walked up to me and said she wants us to seperate. I always thought this would happen one day, but it still felt like a freight train hit me broadside! That night we discussed this thoroughly. I wanted to know what was worng and we could do to fix it, I was prepared to do or change anything, as long as I could be with her. She told me that she has been feeling this way for a few months already, and only had the courage to say it now. She said she didn't love me anymore, and didn't want to be with me any longer. If the freight train feeling was bad then this was worse.

 

I kept on asking her how it was possible for her to be with me for ten years, married me, built a life together, had my child, and then not love me anymore??????

 

I left home a day or two later, and went to stay with my sister. I left her with the house, the car I bought her, I only took my clothes. I told her that I still loved her very very much and would support them by paying the morgage, paying for her car, paying the school fees, and that she should tell me if she needed anything.

 

Remember, I didn't want this, I wanted to be with them, to love and care for them, that's why I were still willing to give them all they needed. I went over there almost every evening after work, to fix small things that I knew about, pick things up, drop things off, bath the little one, put her bed etc. Point is, I were there a lot, always till late in the evening, and then left and slept at my sister's house.

 

About two weeks ago, I knew she had a really bad at work, so I joked and told her that the best medicine would be a bottle of good wine. She told me to come over and bring a bottle of wine.....It felt like a date for me! I was anxious, had butterflies again, and thought this might be the start of our recovery....

That evening, she suddenly asked me when I will fetch my clothes from my sister's place, I couldn't believe it, she wants me to come home!!! She told me to come back, that she misses me alot, and realized that she still loves me and wants to be with me! I silently thankes God for this second chance. I was so happy! She gave me the best hug that I ever had, I could feel the love in that hug! 30 minutes later she told me that she think she made a mistake, and that she doesn't want to give me false hope, we should stay seperated.........WHAT THE ****????????

 

The happiness and excitment I had disappeared as quickly as it came.....I couldn't believe her! I left.

 

A week after the above incident, she had a function to which she asked me. We went together, as husband and wife, which I couldn't see the point of, since she didn't want to have me as a husband anymore.....I just shut up and went with her.

 

That night she was really affectionate, held my hand, pput her arm around me, and even told one of the guests, "This is my husband, withou him I'm nothing". I was really confused, yet happy, as I thought this could be the beginning of our recovery. We went home together, and I spent the night one the couch, at least in my own home. I went back to my sister's the next day.

 

Last Monday she told me to come to the house that evening, she had something she wanted to talk to me about, and that I would like to hear what she has to say.....I got my hopes up.

 

I got there, found her in front of the stove, preparing a nice dinner. She started talking....

 

"I miss you much"

"We need you to be home"

"I realized how much I still love you"

"I don't know what made me say those awfull things to you"

"I'm sorry, please come home and be with us"

"We can work on our problems together, we can fix this"

"Together we can accomplish anything"

 

I started crying right there, out of happiness, she grabbed me and held me tight, another one of those "best hugs ever".

 

I spent that night next to her in bed, wioth her holding my hand tight, and later putting her head on my chest falling asleep in my arms. I layed awaked and prayed to God, thanking him for helping us fix this, thanking Him for letting His spirit work in us, and helping us fix our marriage. I felt like I was in Heaven!

 

We decided not to rush things, to take everything slow, and to tell each other about the things that bothers us, in a nice manner, so we can both work on making each other happy. Most importantly, we decided to leave the past in the past, and never talk about things said and done ever again.

 

This past Friday, we were invited to a friend of hers which came to visit her parents. Everything went fine until we got there, my wife became extremely cold distant, barely talking to me, not even answering me when I ask her something. She took a chair at the table that stood alone, so there was no way for me to sit next to her. Later when I did sit next to her, I put my hand on her knee, like man and wife does, only to have my hand slapped away. We arrived home, went to bed, when I wanted to hold her, I got another hand slapped away and got told not to crowd her.

 

What the ****?????

 

I worked yesterday, and got home around 4, she still had that cold and distant attitude. I asked her what was wrong and told her to be honest with me. She told me that she still felt the same as three weeks ago, that she didn't love me anymore, and didn't feel anything for me anymore and that we should split up.

 

The first time I moved out, I was broken, I cried myself to sleep at night, I didn't eat, I layed awake, or woke up 20 times at night, I was really really sad.

 

This time I'm also really sad, but it's not as bad the first time, I'm more angry now, why does she do this to me? What have I ever done wrong to deserve this?

 

How do I go about life? I thought of leaving town and moving to another town, as seeing her around makes me even more sad.

 

What should I do and how do I survive this?

[Indy25]

The first thing you should do is get a handle on things for yourself. If you are a mess, you won't make any rational decisions that could help save your relationship.

 

You should read about and try to understand the grieving process. Know where you are at in it, and know that it is ok.

 

Coping with Grief and Loss: Support for Grieving and Bereavement

 

My best recommendation would be to see a therapist or go to a support group. Everyone's story is different, but the emotions and stages are the same. Once you understand yourself and where you are at, you will be able to make better choices that are not reactionary.

[atcta]

What bothers me most, is she doesn't want to go for any counselling or get any help. She just says her decision is final and nothing would change it.

 

To be honest, I even thought she might be lesbian, that's the only explanation I could come up with. How can you love someone for ten years, build a life with someone for ten years, have his child, and then tell them you dont love them anymore and want to seperate.....

 

I feel used and thrown away. Like a shopping bag, you need and want a shopping bag when you leave the store, the shopping bag will give it's all to be good to you, and as soon as you come home, you throw it away, cause it served it's purpose.....

 

That's me, a thrown away shopping bag.....

[atcta]

UPDATE:

 

 

She contacted this afternoon and asked me to come round the house after work, we needed to talk...

 

I went, only to find a cold, distant person there, my daughter were at least happy to see me. She informed me that she had gone to see a lawyer today, to get the divorce ball rolling..........:eek:

 

Friends, what the F**K???????????????????????????????

 

It's only been three weeks since she told me how she felt, and wanting to leave me, and not loving me anymore etc, and she wants a divorce already????????? Let's not forget that in this three weeks, it happened three times that she invited me over, we had a nice chat, and she would suddenly start crying, grab me and hug me like she never did before, and then tell me how much she still loves me, and wants me back with her?????????

 

The first time she asked me to come help her with a project she was busy with, and needed me to help her with the finishing touches, we had a glass of wine, had a chat, had a laugh, then she suddenly broke down and started crying, she gave me the best hug I ever had, and told me how much she loves me, and misses me, and wants me back in the house. I felt like I was in heaven, my prayers to get back with her were answered!!! Exactly 30 minutes later, she told me she think she were making a mistake, and didn't think we should try anymore, and blah, blah, blah..... WTF?????? I was even more devestated than the first time she left me!!

 

The second time, she phoned me, it was last monday, told me to come over, as we needed to talk, and "You would like what I have to say". I got my hopes up!!!! I went, found her in the kitchen, she looked so stunning in a worn down denim and t-shirt, there is no woman on this earth more beautiful than her!!! She told me that she gave all of this a good thinking through, and came to the conclusion that she definitely still loves me a lot, and that she realised how much she needs me, and that I should come home so we can be a happy family again. We discussed the things that bothered us from one another, and decided to put great effort into changing these things, and to try really hard to make each happy, and to do our best to fall in love again. I spent the night in her arms, she just held me the whole night, it was so nice, it felt like the world has been taken off my shoulders. I was living the good life again, my wife showed affection, I could feel the love she had for me.

 

The week went past, I went out to work on Saturday morning, she was still sleeping, but I left her nice cup of coffee on the nightstand, left her a note in the kitchen telling her how much I love her, and how I would rather spend the day with them instead of working. I left her asleep with a kiss on the cheek. I even texted her around noon, telling her how much I love them, and how I miss them.

 

I got home around 5pm, found her in the kitchen again, looking more sexy and attractive than ever, to be honest, she could wear rags and I would still think she the most beautiful woman in the world. I knew something was up, as she wasn't really talkative, and asked her what was wrong. She told me that she made a mistake, and that she still feels we should split up, and that she doesn't love me anymore, and doesn't feel anything for me anymore and that I should leave as soon as possible.

 

What the **** have I done wrong to be beaten down and dumped and be chased away three times in three weeks by the woman I would die for????

 

How do you guys explain this? How do I cope and keep on living after this.

The three times rejection, the three times pain, and then the divorce proceedings that she initiated already?????

 

What is there to keep on living for?

Edited March 5, 2012 by atcta

[imagine]

Hi At,

 

Welcome from the southern tip of Africa.

 

You need to read the articles at Marriagebuilders. Folk will tell you to snoop. You should. You also need to learn the five languages of love.

 

Stop talking -start reading.

[worldgonewrong]

I think she's pingpong'ing between you and another guy.

It seems so obvious on the face of it.

 

You need to stop setting yourself up for her yo-yo effect.

 

There's a lot to live for - one, your kid(s). two, to get away from someone who is either bi-polar or just an outright cheat.

[atcta]

OK, it's yet another new day, we are having a stunning dawn this morning.

 

Had another night with about no sleep, been up and about since 4am......

 

I'm going to this job interview later today, I want to get out of this town, away from all these memories and things that reminds me of the life I had.

 

Wish me luck, this job can mean great new things, and most importantly, a brand new beginning for me. Unfortunately, I'll have to take on this new life all alone, without anyone by my side.