My wife will be devastated when I leave...

[dangerous]

I'm really worried about how my wife will cope/ survive when I leave her.

 

After years of an unhappy marriage I'm days away from walking out.

 

Short summary:

I'm a 49 year old man, married for 24 years. One daughter 21, away at uni for her final year.

 

My wife: 46, pretty but let herself go. Never worked since birth of my daughter. Last 15 years suffered from FMS (fibromyalgia). No friends. Negative and depressed. Scared of losing me but won't or can't change the things that are wrong between us.

 

I won't go into details but no sex, separate rooms for 20 years, rarely go out together, no holidays, regular arguments.

 

I'd say we're more friends than man & wife. I've finally decided I can't carry on and want to start a new life.

 

My dilemma is I know that when I announce my departure she will be distraught:

No friends, no interest, poor health (how much is down to attitude and psychological issues? She doesn't follow through with doctors/ medical but takes too many sleeping pills) and financially naive.

 

She will turn on the tears, beg me to stay, say she can't cope, may even threaten self harm.

 

I'm not asking here for discussion on whether the marriage is worth saving but would appreciate comments if you've experience or insight into what I should do about softening the blow or setting her up some support in the immediate future.

Edited August 10, 2012 by dangerous

[darkmoon]

send her to a doctor, she is in self-neglect, a medical symptom, i'd be guilt-free - there's only so much you can take, she needs medicine, you've been a saint,

[Balzac]

Are you in the US? Have you consulted w an atty yet? Softening the blow seems wasted effort. Get your affairs in order, be gone.

[dangerous]

Wow that was quick thanks!

 

I'm in UK. My finances are simple, no assets now and I've paid the house rent til next January so happy to let her stay there. Hope that gives her some breathing space to sort herself.

 

She has some family in the next town which I hope would help her to claim benefits and find a longer term place to live.

 

After 24 years of caring for her I'm finding it hard to accept she's responsible for herself....

[sad puppy]

In all actuality, she's had a free ride all these years. She's been able to just indulge in her "woe is me attitude" and never take any responsibility for her own life. My mom was widowed with three kids under 7 years, my sister was only 9 mos. my mom took care of 3 kids, the house, the garden, dragged us to church every Sunday, worked full time, took care of 4 grandparents, volunteered, ... No one ever heard her complain. She would tell me that people would ask her, "how do you do it"? Her reply was always the same - " I don't have time to feel sorry for myself, I have 3 little kids to raise".

 

So, I seriously have no empathy for these types of women that sit on their asses their whole lives, with their myriad of "sicknesses", indulging their sad little selves all the while someone else is working, earning a living, taking care of them. This set up allows them to be carefree and utterly self absorbed.

 

In the long run, it will the best thing for her, she will have to begin to take responsibility for her own life, plain and simple. You sound like a good guy, time to reclaim your life. You've suffered long enough. Carry on and don't look back. You've done more than enough. Of course, she will cry and plead. Remember my mom's story, that should help you see through your wife's self absorption. She has not been a good wife or partner to you, she has wasted years of your life. Be strong, carry on.

[2sure]

Have you previously told her that things could not go on like this and that you were seriously considering divorce...or will she be surprised?

[beenburned]

dangerous,

 

I have a friend that has had FMS(fibromyalgia) for the last 15 years. It gets progressively worse as they age.

 

It is so bad now that my friend has qualified for disability, as she is physically unable to now work.

 

If you choose to divorce your wife, the judge will probably make you pay more support or alimony due to her disabilities and need of good health insurance.

 

Get a good lawyer that can advise you what to expect financially.

[TaraMaiden]

dangerous,

 

I have a friend that has had FMS(fibromyalgia) for the last 15 years. It gets progressively worse as they age.

 

It is so bad now that my friend has qualified for disability, as she is physically unable to now work.

 

If you choose to divorce your wife, the judge will probably make you pay more support or alimony due to her disabilities and need of good health insurance.

 

Get a good lawyer that can advise you what to expect financially.

 

Not in the UK.

The system is different here.

Once divorced, a spouse is not financially responsible for a condition that is up to the patient to treat.

If she's been neglecting her own health - that's on her, not him.

[stillafool]

Well there you go OP. Start talking to an attorney today. Tell your wife you are leaving asap so she can start rebuilding her life. Don't leave her in the dark about your plans because that wouldn't be fair. Hope you find happiness.

[stillafool]

BTW, OP haven't you been here before about this same problem? Why haven't you told your wife that you want a divorce yet? You've felt this way for quite some time now.

[dangerous]

Thank you all. I have indeed nearly reached this stage before (twice). I told her I was not happy and wanted to end the marriage, but she pleaded and promised to fix things, ie. be more positive, groom herself, get treatment, keep the house better. I gave her the chances and sure enough after just a month or so of trying she went back to her usual ways, telling me I had no right to put such pressure of an ultimatum on her.

 

Mixture of being too busy trying to work to support us and of course fear, I let it drag on. Now I've decided I don't want to live my life like this any more.

 

I've found a cheap flat I can move into, need to get a few things in there this weekend, then I intend to deliver the news on Sunday!

 

I'm really feeling sorry for her when she phones me asking me where I am and all the time I'm planning my departure. And next day or two when at home trying to be not so 'loving' when I'm with her. Obviously I can't keep this up for more than a couple of days.

 

Ps. I feel extra sorry for my wife now as we've only discovered this week that my daughter has an eating disorder/ bulimia. We've suspected for ages but my wife discovered her secret diary this week while my daughters away on holiday for few weeks! I still need to do this now and support my daughter when she's back.

[sad puppy]

Just be prepared for her to use your daughter's illness as a reason you can't leave. And, yes, you can still continue to support your daughter & her well-being without staying married/in same house with wife.

 

Clearly, your wife has already said she would work on her issues and she has not. So, she makes promises, does nothing, you are still miserable, nothing changes.

 

Now's the time, time to move on.

[Janesays]

After 22 years of non work and her being ill, the UK won't assign the OP any decent alimony?

[Radu]

She will deffinitely use your daughter's problem.

 

Bulimia is triggered by nervousness, i'm sure the situation in the house [of which she is guilty] had nothing to do with it.

[TaraMaiden]

After 22 years of non work and her being ill, the UK won't assign the OP any decent alimony?

 

She'll get half, and support for her child, but her illness is for her to dael with....

[whichwayisup]

Thank you all. I have indeed nearly reached this stage before (twice). I told her I was not happy and wanted to end the marriage, but she pleaded and promised to fix things, ie. be more positive, groom herself, get treatment, keep the house better. I gave her the chances and sure enough after just a month or so of trying she went back to her usual ways, telling me I had no right to put such pressure of an ultimatum on her.

 

Mixture of being too busy trying to work to support us and of course fear, I let it drag on. Now I've decided I don't want to live my life like this any more.

 

I've found a cheap flat I can move into, need to get a few things in there this weekend, then I intend to deliver the news on Sunday!

 

I'm really feeling sorry for her when she phones me asking me where I am and all the time I'm planning my departure. And next day or two when at home trying to be not so 'loving' when I'm with her. Obviously I can't keep this up for more than a couple of days.

 

Ps. I feel extra sorry for my wife now as we've only discovered this week that my daughter has an eating disorder/ bulimia. We've suspected for ages but my wife discovered her secret diary this week while my daughters away on holiday for few weeks! I still need to do this now and support my daughter when she's back.

 

Suck it up for now. Put your daughter's needs first above your unhappiness. Don't mean that meanly, okay..Just being honest. Sorry but if you bail on her and your daughter, you'll regret it. I am sorry that you're unhappy and you two let things get this bad. It's a shame that you both didn't follow through on her *your wife* getting counselling so she can do pain management for her Fibro and depression.

 

I don't think you realize just how serious your daughters eating disorder is. If you can stick it out for another year or so and both you and your wife just focus on your daughter and getting her help, you two do counselling together to learn how to handle this eating disorder. I have a friend who's daughter is going through this. I can promise you, things will get worse before it gets better and it's tough enough with TWO parents dealing with this, let alone ONE in two separate houses.. If you two divorce.

 

Read up and learn all you can about her eating disorder. And the type of counselling she's going to need. Also it would benefit you and your wife to join a support group so you can talk to other parents who are going through the same thing.

[whichwayisup]

Just be prepared for her to use your daughter's illness as a reason you can't leave. And, yes, you can still continue to support your daughter & her well-being without staying married/in same house with wife.

 

Clearly, your wife has already said she would work on her issues and she has not. So, she makes promises, does nothing, you are still miserable, nothing changes.

 

Now's the time, time to move on.

 

I really believe the focus HAS to be on their daughter. Together.

 

Ps. I feel extra sorry for my wife now as we've only discovered this week that my daughter has an eating disorder/ bulimia. We've suspected for ages but my wife discovered her secret diary this week while my daughters away on holiday for few weeks! I still need to do this now and support my daughter when she's back.

 

Feel more sorry for your daughter than your wife. She (daughter) is the one who is going to be suffering the most from the fallout if you move out and divorce.

[2sure]

I have to say...I don't think it's right at all that you are sneaking things into a new secret apartment. That seems so...small, and sneaky, and I don't know, spineless?

 

I get that you have wanted to leave for awhile and understand that she is able to ...guilt you into staying, or manipulate you. So, that's probably the reason you are sneaking away.

 

But still.

[dangerous]

I have to say...I don't think it's right at all that you are sneaking things into a new secret apartment. That seems so...small, and sneaky, and I don't know, spineless?

 

I get that you have wanted to leave for awhile and understand that she is able to ...guilt you into staying, or manipulate you. So, that's probably the reason you are sneaking away.

 

But still.

 

I don't feel great about it either but I will have to leave on the day I announce it. I don't really want to move into an empty flat, no bedding, no towel, nothing. Wont it be more painful seeing me packing in front of her and loading the car lots of times? Maybe it's a detail whichever way I do it.

[beenburned]

Can your wife not qualify for disability?

[dangerous]

I really believe the focus HAS to be on their daughter. Together.

 

 

 

Feel more sorry for your daughter than your wife. She (daughter) is the one who is going to be suffering the most from the fallout if you move out and divorce.

 

My daughter has always been very close to me and quite distant to my wife. She has even asked me why I stay with her and I'd be better off without! Sad but true. She sees my wife's control and my daughter declares after university there is no way she'd consider living with us together as my wife is too controlling of her too.

 

Regardless of the above, we've tried getting my daughter to experts/ doctors but she has always denied the problem. I know it's really serious but I honestly think if I'm separated I can still support her perhaps even closer eg. She'd probably stay with me more readily.

 

It's a really bad time, but I don't think there will be a better time for my daughter or me if I don't leave now.

 

And yes I feel really awful for my wife in all this.

[dangerous]

Can your wife not qualify for disability?

 

Respectfully I don't think the finances are that relevant. My wife will qualify for financial help due to low income and I'm happy to supplement her for a while and will of course continue to support my daughter who is 21 and away at university for most of next year ( or as above she can live with me).

[CarrieT]

OP, other than addressing the issues with your wife directly, have either of you considering Marital Counseling at all?

 

It seems like an awfully drastic move you are moving without first going through the motions of trying pursue any and all methods to repair your marriage before decamping.

[sally4sara]

Eating disorders are often found to manifest in people who feel on overall lack of power over their own life. Its part of why young children often first attempt to assert self identity by going through a picky eater phase even to the point of refusing foods they otherwise like.

 

If your daughter has shifted away from your wife and complained of her being too controlling, it is quite possible that it is a result of feeling powerless with her mother in her life.

 

Not to downplay fibromyalgia but when I hear the phrase 'let herself go" I need to ask what the result of that fully means. Has she become medically obese? Depression, a drop off in her sex drive and an overall sense of achiness and malaise is the result of becoming medically obese too. If you cannot, in the 24 years you've been married, been able to motivate her towards a healthier lifestyle choice it is very possible that the personality blend indicates more than just a simple lack of compatibility. It could be so bad a blend that you two bring out the worst in each other and would be better; healthier apart.

 

And your daughter is grown. And complaining about a lack of control over her own life. All of this might be better affected with you outside the circumstance of the last 24 years than it can be remaining on the same path in the same habits and cycles.

[InJest]

Don't worry about softening the blow. You've been catering to her for 20+ years. Drop her cold, and never speak to her again. Letting her stay in the flat is plenty. Do not further subsidize her.