TheCollector Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 Thanks in advance for reading my very personal problem... I'm a 26 year old man, my wife is 23. We have been together for over 5 years now. Only been married since march 17 of last year... Last year I had a very close friend at work that I started hanging out with and introduced him to my wife also (she has had literally no friends in a few years). He started hanging out with us at my house about every night and I got to being ridiculous but my wife refused to let me put a stop to it because she said he was the first friend she has had in forever witch was true so I didn't... We started to fight some and I felt her pushing away and she was being obvious and cruel to me about her flirtations with my friend... I didn't know what to do..... We married march 17th by late September I come home one night and I only beat him to my house by about 5 minutes (he was coming over for dinner again). My wife says I don't feel right so she goes and takes a pregnancy test witch comes back positive as he gets to my house. My wife goes into a SCREAMING and crying fit and I don't know why...we had been trying....so I go ask him to leave we are having a personal moment. After he leaves all she keeps saying is that "im gonna lose you" ............. TO MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT My wife cheated on me with a good friend of mine after only six months of marriage and didn't even have the decency to use a condom! She says it was only once and that he didn't "finish" in her but she had sex with me like 12 hrs later and I did finish inside her. This is the conception date of our child. The only reason I didn't leave her that night is the worry of the child being mine....well MY daughter was born June 15th and is now a beautiful little 3-month old that has some of my obvious features. It's been almost exactly a year now....... I love my baby but I CAN'T stop thinking about the betrayal and I have SOO much resentment for how my wife ruined the excitement of my first child the entire pregnancy and birth. The pain I have endured is possibly to much to bare. Not only was it my good friend but a fellow employee at my job that I had to see every day for months. And couldn't do anything about it...I also resent how my wife acted in the week or two after I found out.... She didn't know if she wanted to leave me for him or stay... It's been a year now and daughter is mine but I still hurt every single day.... What do I do??? My wife has only her mother that she is close to and her mother lives with us now. If I file for divorce her and her mom and my wife's nephew who also lives with us will have to move out since neither of them have a damn job. So their only option would be to move in wither her moms boyfriend who lives in Canada and we live in Tennessee. I can't lose my daughter like that...... I'm almost in tears writing this so sorry if I rambled terribly... What are my options? My wife doesn't know what I'm feeling or thinking because every time we have ever discussed what happened she just tries to leave and take my daughter with her... Please tell me something... Say anything... I really need someone to talk to about this Link to post Share on other sites
riverratt Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 Wow. Is she wanting to fix the marriage if you are willing to work on the trust issue? Is she feeling that she has earned her trust back and is pissed that you just can't move on from it? Where is she at in this as far as her feelings? Time can probably fix yours. Well, It has for many people anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 Thanks in advance for reading my very personal problem... I'm a 26 year old man, my wife is 23. We have been together for over 5 years now. Only been married since march 17 of last year... Last year I had a very close friend at work that I started hanging out with and introduced him to my wife also (she has had literally no friends in a few years). He started hanging out with us at my house about every night and I got to being ridiculous but my wife refused to let me put a stop to it because she said he was the first friend she has had in forever witch was true so I didn't... We started to fight some and I felt her pushing away and she was being obvious and cruel to me about her flirtations with my friend... I didn't know what to do..... We married march 17th by late September I come home one night and I only beat him to my house by about 5 minutes (he was coming over for dinner again). My wife says I don't feel right so she goes and takes a pregnancy test witch comes back positive as he gets to my house. My wife goes into a SCREAMING and crying fit and I don't know why...we had been trying....so I go ask him to leave we are having a personal moment. After he leaves all she keeps saying is that "im gonna lose you" ............. TO MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT My wife cheated on me with a good friend of mine after only six months of marriage and didn't even have the decency to use a condom! She says it was only once and that he didn't "finish" in her but she had sex with me like 12 hrs later and I did finish inside her. This is the conception date of our child. The only reason I didn't leave her that night is the worry of the child being mine....well MY daughter was born June 15th and is now a beautiful little 3-month old that has some of my obvious features. It's been almost exactly a year now....... I love my baby but I CAN'T stop thinking about the betrayal and I have SOO much resentment for how my wife ruined the excitement of my first child the entire pregnancy and birth. The pain I have endured is possibly to much to bare. Not only was it my good friend but a fellow employee at my job that I had to see every day for months. And couldn't do anything about it...I also resent how my wife acted in the week or two after I found out.... She didn't know if she wanted to leave me for him or stay... It's been a year now and daughter is mine but I still hurt every single day.... What do I do??? My wife has only her mother that she is close to and her mother lives with us now. If I file for divorce her and her mom and my wife's nephew who also lives with us will have to move out since neither of them have a damn job. So their only option would be to move in wither her moms boyfriend who lives in Canada and we live in Tennessee. I can't lose my daughter like that...... I'm almost in tears writing this so sorry if I rambled terribly... What are my options? My wife doesn't know what I'm feeling or thinking because every time we have ever discussed what happened she just tries to leave and take my daughter with her... Please tell me something... Say anything... I really need someone to talk to about this ugghhh how horrible....hugs....a friend of yours plus infedelity plus not using a condom .....triple threat to happiness....mainly yours.File for joint custody....its not ideal but there must be a solution try to come to compromise that is in the direct best interests of your daughter as I think you want and need that to find happiness you are concerned for her and so you should be ......impress on your wife that is what you want your daughters best interest taken care of. I dont understand why you have decided to not simplify the situation by asking the boarders to leave so you can work on the relationship as outsiders could be forcing your hand into divorce>i am sure they would want you guys to stay together if they were supportive they would understand you need to be with your wife alone to work things out and seek counselling to help you through......is there a reason why they wouldnt leave? the job thing......anyone with identification can get emergency accommodation......you dotn need a job and they also can get supported accommodation where they hav ea case worker who will help them with issues that made them homeless or they do here in australia need id though.Are you sure you want a divorce or are you conflicted? Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 The question are: Do you love her? Does she love you? This is a young marriage. Is her indisgretion something you can get past? Can you grow to trust her again? What troubles me is her confliction over the other man after her "outting" herself. She really didn't have to do that. She could have just carried on as if nothing had ever happened - and took the matter to the grave. But, for some reason - she told you. And I sense it is because she really did want to be with the other man. Did the other man reject her? No mater, you have to get all those people outta your house. This matter is emotionally draining, and confusing enough. I suspect she is surrounding herself with supporters - as she's either concerned about or afraid to face you alone. I am not trying to minimize your pain, or the egregiouness of her transgresssion. I'm pointing out an alternative to divorce, if you still love her , and if she still loves you and regrets her actions. You must decide what it is you want, because you are the wronged party. Here is a point of view to consider. You and your wife are not that removed from the dating world - technically. You could, symbolically, re-marry, and start over. that is if it is both your desires. Yas Link to post Share on other sites
MonsterMash Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 (edited) I'd be paternity test sure the child was mine. If it was, I'd divorce her and fight for custody. If it wasn't, I'd throw her ass into the street. Either way....she'd be gone regardless. Edited September 22, 2012 by MonsterMash 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 Women gain sole custody of children .............................. Drum roll.............................................. BECAUSE 90% OF THE TIME MEN DON'T CONTEST THEIR HAVING CUSTODY! BUT! IN THE 10% OF THE CASES WHEN MEN DO SEEK SOLE CUSTODY? They WIN 90% of the time! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 But don't expect a single dime from her! Women who are ordered to pay "child support?" Default 90% of the time, seldom see their children, ever hear from their children, etc. Source: Nexus / Lexus a Paid database used by attorneys, professionals, scholars, academicians, researchers. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MonsterMash Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 But don't expect a single dime from her! Women who are ordered to pay "child support?" Default 90% of the time, seldom see their children, ever hear from their children, etc. Source: Nexus / Lexus a Paid database used by attorneys, professionals, scholars, academicians, researchers. Yep. By the way Gunny....Roll Tide. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheCollector Posted September 22, 2012 Author Share Posted September 22, 2012 I do love her but its not the only problem in our marriage. When she was 15 she was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. So she has bad mood swings wich I try to understand. She is verbally abusive at times. She has only worked 3 or 4months out of the past 5 years... And that REALLY bugs me. All the weight is on my shoulders. I am truly torn on what to do.... After a year I thought I might feel atleast some better Link to post Share on other sites
riverratt Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 I do love her but its not the only problem in our marriage. When she was 15 she was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. You know, as bad as it may sound, you should get away from that as much as you can. No, it isn't her fault but trying to have a life with someone that is like that is very hard. A friendship to a person with that going on is good. A relationship is another thing all together. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheCollector Posted September 24, 2012 Author Share Posted September 24, 2012 Should I leave and miss a lot of my daughter as a baby? I don't wanna miss that. What can I do??? Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 24, 2012 Share Posted September 24, 2012 Should I leave and miss a lot of my daughter as a baby? I don't wanna miss that. What can I do??? Fight for custody. Ask the court to keep her from taking the child out of your county. For today - tell the other family members to move now. It isn't YOUR responsibility to support all those people who aren't working. Sounds like you have let all of them walk all over you. Do you think your W is still seeing the former friend? Is it possible they are now secretly involved? Since your W won't discuss it openly so you can heal and so the M can heal - she's given you slim options. Having others in the house is her other way of avoiding discussing what should have been discussed a long time ago. IF she unwilling to repair the damage she caused by doing anything you ask - I'd have a hard time staying married. First things first - get them to move now - and get a paternity test on your daughter. If you file for D - ask for custody of the child - if she is yours. Consider what decision you want to make about the future of your M. Link to post Share on other sites
LadyGrey Posted September 24, 2012 Share Posted September 24, 2012 Should I leave and miss a lot of my daughter as a baby? I don't wanna miss that. What can I do??? Consult a lawyer, find out your legal rights, then go talk to a counselor to help you sort it out. Your wife has done nothing to help you heal. If she is bi polar, she may do the same thing again down the road. If you start feeling like you have some control of your destiny and start making the best decisions for yourself and your daughter, you will feel much better what ever you decide. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheCollector Posted September 24, 2012 Author Share Posted September 24, 2012 Thank all of you for your thaughts and support. I really need it and I'm quite a private person when it comes to things like this. Literally her mother and 2 of my friends are all that know this... Would I be able to keep my house? Could she make me pay alimony after just one year of marriage? Just cause she hasn't worked? I've given her everything I ever could..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheCollector Posted September 24, 2012 Author Share Posted September 24, 2012 It's not that she has been unwilling to talk about it. If anything I have... All I want is to forget it but I can't... I honestly am the type to hold a grudge. My wife will talk about it from her angle and expresses her grief and regret for what she has done but I remain silent because she asked me questions I CAN'T honestly answer like "if she wasn't yours would you have stayed?" She says " she knows she ruined the excitement of my child and pregnancy" these things are true and I don't know how to let that go....I want to but I find myself saying "god I hate you!" Under my breath from time to time when she is a bad mood or talking bad to me.... I don't want my daughter growing up thinking it is ok to to a man that way or her own husband Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheCollector Posted September 24, 2012 Author Share Posted September 24, 2012 She IS willing to work on our relationship but I don't seem to be ready not only for the betrayal but all the rest seems to make it just the right option.....and as for my mother in law. I don't want to kick her out because she is raising her grandson in my home and she only draws $400 a month and the boy is like one of my own... I cut his umbilical chord myself because his dad is some dead beat... I've been there for him since he was born... He's now 2 and a 1/2. I love him too and don't want to lose that either... I am so unsure right now.... Sorry to all of you if I ramble or don't make sense... Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 24, 2012 Share Posted September 24, 2012 Why do you think it's your responsibility to provide for all those people who should be providing for themselves? Link to post Share on other sites
thatone Posted September 24, 2012 Share Posted September 24, 2012 Why do you think it's your responsibility to provide for all those people who should be providing for themselves? was about to say the same thing. OP, you need to get some backbone. get rid of the freeloading mother and the nephew. if that drives her away, so be it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheCollector Posted September 24, 2012 Author Share Posted September 24, 2012 Well I guess I'm just TOO nice of a guy. I bend over backwards for whoever I can help most of the time...my mother-in-law I have no worries telling off but its my nephew I'm worried about... I'm all the male role model he has and he already has been dealt a ****ty hand in life... Never met his dad and his mom is just too selfish to care about him... Hasn't seen her since Easter...my other worry is about my daughter.. I work night shift. I go in at like 3:30 pm and don't get off till midnight or 2:00am. Who would watch her when she is in my custody? When I'm at work? My dad is a bit over an hour away and so is my mom (who I'm not on speaking terms with for the first time in my life over drama between her and my wife). That's another reason I feel I can't throw her ass out. I'm gonna call some local lawyers this week to see my options and the starting costs cause even though I make good money for the area (over $19 an hour) I am flat ass broke. Sorry for slow reply to you guys I was off all weekend so I was around my wife and couldn't exactly get on here much Link to post Share on other sites
riverratt Posted September 24, 2012 Share Posted September 24, 2012 Well I guess I'm just TOO nice of a guy. Don't beat yourself up over the child. That shows you have some character. Don't let that go. Hope it works out for ya and the child. Kids raised in bad situations tend to follow the same path. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheCollector Posted September 24, 2012 Author Share Posted September 24, 2012 Thank you for your kind words. As for the boy he doesn't deserve to lose me nor do I deserve to lose him...yet I know that's what's gonna happen eventually... I still don't know how I would work my schedule when my daughter was in my custody... Any advice on that? I tried to call 2 local divorce lawyers on my first break to no avail :-( I'm starting to want legal advice... Last night I took care of the baby half the night while she slept cause her back hurt real bad.(she had surgery at 19) and she woke up hateful as hell with me for no reason for a little while then she was fine. Link to post Share on other sites
riverratt Posted September 25, 2012 Share Posted September 25, 2012 I still don't know how I would work my schedule when my daughter was in my custody... Any advice on that? Don't know dude. I have heard of some second and third shift child care places around where I live but I live close to a pretty big city. Well, with in 30 miles. Sounds like you are strung out and going as hard as you can. Just keep hanging in there. Good things happen to good people. Link to post Share on other sites
Ninja'sHusband Posted September 25, 2012 Share Posted September 25, 2012 I'm really really sorry I was very nearly in your shoes. My wife got pregnant possibly with another man's baby. We'll never know. She miscarried a week later. Another big difference is we had been married 13 years and had a 9 year old daughter. If divorce is inevitable then I'd say do it earlier when your child won't remember or understand all the pain. Your wife not wanting to talk about it is a really bad sign. It takes 2-5 years to get over something like this. You can't rush it and sweep under the rug. You'll go nuts. She doesn't sound very remorseful...has she even given a good apology? My wife finally did...only after I showed her how by apologizing for stuff earlier in our marriage. There's a book called "Hold Me Tight" that has a great section on forgiveness and apologies. She should acknowledge and legitimize your pain, express shame, promise never to do such again. It may be hard, but what if this happens again? 10 years from now? What then? How likely is that? Personally I wouldn't risk it. It's probably like no pain you've ever felt in your life. I'm so sorry for that. I know it's soul wrenching, but imagine it happening when you have a 9 year old that has grown up with you two together and you know that you have to break that child's heart and divorce. The other day I moved some pictures from the living room to my daughter's room. She brought them back to me saying she couldn't handle it...and cried for 10 minutes in my arms. There's no pain like seeing your innocent little loved ones ripped apart by infidelity and divorce. I would recommend coming over to the infidelity section of the forums. There's a lot more people who have been in your shoes. I might be the closest one though since my wife actually got pregnant like yours did. I tried my best to stay with her....it didn't work. She just wasn't remorseful enough. If they don't give you that you can lose your sanity no matter how badly you want your family to stay together. Really it's up to you. You will have to live with these decisions for the rest of your life, so do what you need to. I'm just warning that it doesn't look good and this early it may be best to cut your losses and fight for the best custody you can get. 50/50 is really what's best for the child unless one parent is a danger. Link to post Share on other sites
nikki1802 Posted September 25, 2012 Share Posted September 25, 2012 you both need counseling. this is something that you cannot do by yourself. trust me..i tried. i didnt have such a dramatic affair in my marriage but my husband and i tried to work on it ourselves and now he is with his mistress (2nd one this year) and i'm picking up the pieces. get help!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheCollector Posted September 25, 2012 Author Share Posted September 25, 2012 Ninja......I want you to know I so so so feel your pain man..... Your post literally brought a tear to my eye. If anyone gets this its you. I imagined my daughter at 9 and that situation you spoke of and it terrifiesme... Nikki I think I'm gonna call my works (life works) tomorrow Link to post Share on other sites
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