My story

[cozycottagelg]

I hijacked another thread...so here is my own. My reply to the thread was the following, to give some background -

 

Also - When I write, I just sort of go paragraph to paragraph, no particular order... just a heads up..

 

I am your wife. Not literally of course...

 

I have been wanting to tell my husband I am done with our marriage for so long, but the words just don't come out. If/when I finally do, this is exactly how he is going to feel. I have been browsing threads all day, but this one really has gotten to me.

 

I have fallen out of love. Bits of resentment have built up for years and I never said anything to him. I opened up to him last summer, and he made changes. The problem is, I was already checked out. I opened up too late. Now everyday I cry on my way to work, and my way home, and often several times throughout the day. I feel guilty all the time. I feel like he is doing everything he can to save this marriage and I have done nothing. I just don't have romantic feelings for him anymore. We still talk, we kiss goodbye and hello, but it's a habit. When he touches me outside of the day to day habits, I cringe. When he sends me a sweet text telling me I'm beautiful, I roll my eyes as I am reading. I hate myself and I never, ever wanted to be divorced.

 

I go back and forth daily wondering if not feeling "in love" is a good enough reason to leave.

 

I went back to church in hopes of gaining a new perspective. It hasn't helped my marriage. I love going but I am not using it to help my marriage.

 

I encourage him to do things with his friends so that I don't have to hang out with him.

 

He isn't a bad person. The issues that have driven me to want out, are just that, issues. Things he is trying to fix...but my heart isn't there anymore.

 

It hurt to read what one commenter said about being selfish because a mother is willing to give up half her time with the children...that killed me. Initially it made me angry, and while I don't agree that I should stay for the children, I absolutely hate that I entertain the idea of missing out on half their lives.

 

I often want to blame my age and where I am in life. We met when I was turning 21, and I am now 32. I am not that same girl anymore. Is that why? I don't know...

 

I want him to be happy, but I know that only having our family together is going to make him happy right now.

 

Everyday on my way home from work, I tell myself to go in, give him a big hug, tell him that I love him and be affectionate all night long, but then I walk through the door and I am just in survival mode until I can go to bed.

 

I feel like I am living with my brother. Someone I love and care about, but nobody that I want to be romantically involved with.

 

I wanted to be married forever. I was never happier than on my wedding day. It was his second marriage and I, at the time, considered him my soul mate. What happened to us?

 

The reason I never told him how I felt before, was because I didn't want to be a nag or a b*tch..I wanted to be the perfect wife.

 

I never made him do things with me and the kids (ages 6 and 2) because he never wanted to. I brought the kids to every event, every birthday party, everything. I got tired of always hearing "hey where's ______" and having to reply "home, watching football."

 

Now he is willing to do those things...but I don't want him there.

 

Everything I am feeling seems so out of my control. It's just that, a feeling... I can't change the way I feel.. I want to, I've tried.. I am just too far gone.

 

Everyday I search for apartments, meanwhile emailing him to see what he wants for dinner..

 

He won't be blindsided because lately I am so distant and I know he is beyond worried.

 

I realize this isn't very well written and I'm just babbling...but that's how my mind works. Just random rants. Trying to justify my behaviors all the while feeling like a failure and a giant piece of crap for letting it get this bad.

 

Listening to the soon to be ex-husbands on here has been a real eye-opener.

 

Random post...my first one on this board.. I just had to get it out I guess.

 

I sit here wanting to write out all the reasons I fell out of love but it just seems like I am doing it so the replies I get are supportive. I don't need support. My mind is made up.

 

While reading through several other threads, it seems like so many husbands were caught off guard by their wives leaving. It is so sad to me how two people in the same house can have such wildy different views of how their relationship is going.

 

I feel non-existant when I'm at home. I play with the kids, I do the housework and dinner, and all the things I did before, but I feel zoned out. Completely numb. I feel so alone, even when I'm in the kitchen with my husband and two kids talking and laughing. I feel alone.

 

I find that on the weekends I am looking for things to do with the kids so that I don't have to be home. My husband has never been one to come with us places, so it's rare that he would ask to tag along, and knowing this, I plan stuff for us. Nothing big..trips to the park, or the grocery store, etc... I hate being home.

 

Do you think that not being in love with someone is a good enough reason to leave? I look at him and think "he is very attractive"...but if he wants to kiss me or have sex, I am so disgusted. It feels like I am kissing a relative. Sometimes I have to push away and initiate sex just so he will stop kissing me, because if it lasts a second longer I am going to cry.

 

Speaking of sex. For the first 10 years we were together, I initiated. I wanted to do it all the time, every day...he was okay with once, maybe twice a week. This made me feel so terrible. He claimed it was his sex drive and had absolutely nothing to do with his love for me, but it always felt so crappy to be turned down. Now that I am no longer interested, he wants it everyday. Who is this guy? He is always rubbing me and trying to be romantic, and when I don't want to make love, he gets so sad and says it's a blow to his ego. Yeah no kidding...welcome to the world I was living in for over 10 years. It's devistating.

 

I'm just tired. For so long I did everything. It seems silly to list it now that he has picked up so much slack though. I wish I could appreciate how much he has changed, but it just annoys me. Me wanting to leave is a good enough reason, but me being in love with you for all those years and wanting to share your company wasn't?

 

Over the last year we have done a lot more talking (though I admit I am awful at face to face confrontation and do much better over email) and one day he expressed his sadness that I never invite him to go with me and my friends. It seemed like a joke. I always invited him when it was a couples event. I'm not inviting him to girls night, he wouldn't want to go, I mean he almost never went to the couples events either. And I am not even talking like fancy stuff...I live in the country..I'm talking bbq's and such. He never wanted to go...so I stopped asking and got used to doing everything alone. So when he expressed that I never planned for us to do anything together, I was so angry. I planned everything we ever did. I found us things to do and was always the one to get a babysitter. Always. I still am. He never has to worry about doing any of that.

 

I feel like my entire world changed when we had children, and his stayed the same.

 

He is a terrific father at home. But he never goes anywhere with us except on big holidays, like Christmas, and he doesn't want to be there, it's just one of the only things I "made" him to go to..

 

He never takes the kids anywhere with him. I feel guilty leaving my house without one or both of the kids in tow. He comes and goes and it doesn't even cross his mind that maybe one of the kids might like to join him. It literally doesn't cross his mind. Or it's a burden for him to have to bring one. But again, at home, he is a great and very attentive father...

 

I don't know... can I live the rest of my life with someone I can't stand to touch? Is that a reason?? I honestly don't know...

 

And it isn't that I want to rush into something with someone else, or even that I have any desire to date or anything like that...but it would be nice not to cringe when he touches me.

 

Last July I told him I was unhappy... and he got better. I always thank him and point out the things he is doing that make me happy and tell him I appreciate him... but again, it's like he's my brother. I try to think about all the great things about him, and I can list so many...but I have absolutely ZERO romantic feelings toward him.

 

So now what?

[cozycottagelg]

Oh, and today is our anniversary. He left a card in my car...

 

I tried to pick out a card for him, but it was like picking out a card for someone you don't know. None of the cards applied. I don't know what to do. It feels so fake to get him a card, like, who am I fooling? It seems like a really terrible thing to do, to get a card and have him think I am okay.

 

Which is how I feel about sex too. Even if I wanted to do it, I can't bring myself to do it, because I feel like it's sending the wrong message that everything is okay. He honestly thinks if we are having sex, that everything is good with the marriage....

 

Help me.

[Musubi]

Hello and welcome!

 

I just wanted to say that I know EXACTLY how you're feeling. I'm going through the same thing with my husband.

 

Does he know how you feel about him? Have you told him lately? Is MC an option?

[cozycottagelg]

I have expressed my unhappiness in general, but I admit, I have not really told him how I feel about HIM.

 

It's so hard. He really, truly loves me. How do you tell someone that you aren't in love with them anymore, when they are doing everything they can to show you that they love you?

 

I also should state, I am HORRIBLE at confrontation...horrible. I am an avoider... so I know that so much of this is my fault. Not my actions, but my in-action...

 

There are days where I will psych myself up and think "today is the day, I'm going to tell him" and then I will get a text on my way home "just wanted to tell you that you are so beautiful and a wonderful mother and wife"...ugh... and I chicken out.

 

It's so bad (or, I'm so bad)...but I know his one deal breaker is cheating, and I often feel like I should just say I cheated so that he would hate me instead of love me...but I know that it doesn't make any sense at all...plus I don't want him to hate me quite that much...

 

I'm a coward...

[Musubi]

Yes, it's hard... very very hard... but you owe it to him to let him know how you feel about him. That's why I was wondering if MC (marriage counseling) was an option. That way you have the time set aside for both of you to say what you have to say. It forces you to sit down, listen and get issues out in the open and you can't back out easy.

 

My H and I had one big talk about a month ago and nothing since, so we are hopefully going to MC to force both of us to talk and get things moving in whatever direction that might be...

[cozycottagelg]

I have definitely considered counseling. Selfishly I think that it would send the message that I want to work on the marriage. I just don't have any confidence that counseling can make me fall back in love.

 

But you are right..perhaps it would at least allow us to hash out what happens next.

[GuyInLimbo]

Cottage, you can switch the genders and I could have written that (and sort of did in my intro post months ago).

 

First, you hit the nail on the head when you said "We met when I was turning 21, and I am now 32. I am not that same girl anymore. Is that why? I don't know..." I'm a bit self-righteous about the age thing, but I don't think anyone should get married until they are 30. No, you're not mistaken. No one is the same person at 30-something as they were at 21. No one. People change drastically in their 20's before really knowing what they love, like, etc.

 

You're not alone. I feel your pain. And the thing about the anniversary card... Ugh. One of the things about special occassions is that it's THE WORST when you have to struggle to find the words to write or gift to find. I think that's a telltale sign you're done with that person. Something like an ann card should be effortless writing. Not a challenge.

 

The more I read your follow-up posts the more I think you are my long lost twin. I've been trying to "find the right time" for a good 3 months now. I'm hoping I can finally do it this month.

 

You need to stop beating yourself up. You are not a bad person. This happens. And this is REALLY hard to do. Really hard. But you have to do it. This is no way to live for either one of you. And think of your kids. THEY KNOW. Trust me. And you don't want them to grow up thinking it's OK to stay in a relationship that's unhappy and/or unhealthy.

 

Are you in therapy?

 

You are NOT a coward. You're human and you have feelings. You'd be a not-so-nice person if you felt GOOD about this. And you're certainly not alone here.

[NYWoman]

I hear everything that you two are saying, as I was once in your shoes.

 

I had forgot there was a reason I chose him. I couldn't hide my feelings, and let others listen, which took me further away. I was positive that it was all him and when the break up came I thought about how wonderful my new life would be without him. And found a new BF. He agreed that marriage was over and turned his back on me.

 

My wonderful new life collapsed when I found out that he too had moved on and began dating again.

 

That is when reality hit! It has been 3 decades, I have remarried and had a family with my second husband who I very much loved.

 

But the truth is, the man that I threw away, was so much better, that there was no second place. I replaced a first string all star with just an average Joe.

 

My advice is think hard at what you are throwing away. You will lose him and no matter what you think, it will kill you to see him in the arms of another.

 

Sorry to tell you all marriages change and after awhile become mundane.

[cozycottagelg]

I hear everything that you two are saying, as I was once in your shoes.

 

I had forgot there was a reason I chose him. I couldn't hide my feelings, and let others listen, which took me further away. I was positive that it was all him and when the break up came I thought about how wonderful my new life would be without him. And found a new BF. He agreed that marriage was over and turned his back on me.

 

My wonderful new life collapsed when I found out that he too had moved on and began dating again.

 

That is when reality hit! It has been 3 decades, I have remarried and had a family with my second husband who I very much loved.

 

But the truth is, the man that I threw away, was so much better, that there was no second place. I replaced a first string all star with just an average Joe.

 

My advice is think hard at what you are throwing away. You will lose him and no matter what you think, it will kill you to see him in the arms of another.

 

Sorry to tell you all marriages change and after awhile become mundane.

 

I think of this often. There are times where I think about who he could date and hope he finds someone who is great. And then there are times where I wonder if it will hurt to see him happy with someone else.

 

There are times where I will plan a girls trip, or encourage him to go away with friends, in hopes that I will miss him. I never do. I always miss the kids like crazy, but never him. It kills me. I feel like maybe if we seperated for a while, it would help, but what if I go back and it isn't right, and then I've confused the children twice... which is the very last thing I want to do.

[Act Two]

I get the card thing. I used to stand and agonize over the card rack and wonder why there weren't cards for spouses for whom you feel great warmth but none of the other lavish sentiments expressed. I don't mean that disrespectfully but it is a very awkward place to be when you don't reciprocate feelings, and that goes on for years on end. You feel like a total bi#atch but it sucks when you just don't feel it back. That in itself can cause resentment.

 

Have you tried marriage counseling? Individual counseling? There might be a more substantial reason for why your romantic feelings are blocked. Do you feel underlying resentment? You need to figure out if so and why you don't have those feelings. I believe that it's not enough to throw in the towel simply because you don't feel romantic feelings, but that people should put the work in to find out why those feelings are gone. There may be things left to change that you can change, or things that you can both work on. There may be underlying resentment or bitterness over issues that can still be fixed, but it would be helpful to find out why. For instance, I no longer felt "in love" with my husband because I did not trust him. There was a reason why I felt blocked from loving him or feeling like I could be intimate with him. How can you want to kiss someone and make love when there is no emotional connection?

 

(P.S. Don't go the route I went and have an affair!)

 

I wish that I had separated earlier and really felt what it feels like to have your spouse gone from your life. I took a lot about my husband for granted. I now regret that I didn't separate, work on my issues and see if he would work on his. We might have been able to come back together and save things.

 

There is a lot to be said for the comfort and stability of the family unit, and keeping that in tact for the children (I'm not saying stay together just for them). You might find that you miss you spouse a lot when you are really separate from him and find things you appreciate and value in him. Use the time to work on yourself as well.

[Musubi]

I believe that if you find the right therapist, he/she should not take sides and/or "force" you to work on your marriage. It's more to share how you feel and have your H listen and vice versa. At least that's how my therapist does it. It's to hear what you can work on to make your next relationship better and get closure.

 

IC (Individual counseling) is another option. I never believed in it until I finally went. Probably too late to save my marriage, but great eye opener on all the issues I need to work on for myself.

[Meatballsmom]

Four years ago the state took my only grand daughter from my druggie daughter and I haven't seen her since.

 

I have now something in common with two of my co-workers, as they too have lost their children. But in their case it was a self inflected, as they did just as your are preparing to do. They fell out of love with the fathers of their kids. Divorced, got custody.

 

Then when the kids grew up, guess who got the blame for tearing up their childhood and breaking up their families.

 

Their kids are now all grown and have families of their own. None of them want anything to do with their mothers. They have grand children that they have never held, and the only time that they got to see them was when they had just been born and were able to sneak into the nursery.

 

It is not often pointed out, but it is quite common, for the kids to grow up and blame the straying parent, and totally cut off all communication for life.

 

Wait until you are in your 50's and spend Christmas without your kids.

[Act Two]

Four years ago the state took my only grand daughter from my druggie daughter and I haven't seen her since.

 

I have now something in common with two of my co-workers, as they too have lost their children. But in their case it was a self inflected, as they did just as your are preparing to do. They fell out of love with the fathers of their kids. Divorced, got custody.

 

Then when the kids grew up, guess who got the blame for tearing up their childhood and breaking up their families.

 

Their kids are now all grown and have families of their own. None of them want anything to do with their mothers. They have grand children that they have never held, and the only time that they got to see them was when they had just been born and were able to sneak into the nursery.

 

It is not often pointed out, but it is quite common, for the kids to grow up and blame the straying parent, and totally cut off all communication for life.

 

Wait until you are in your 50's and spend Christmas without your kids.

 

 

And anecdotally, many people divorce and still have a good relationship with their children.

 

Don't let fear rule your decisions.

[cozycottagelg]

We just went to lunch for our anniversary. Conversation was very generic.

 

He just emailed me as I got back to my desk "Any time we spend together is quality time, thank you for lunch"...

[GuyInLimbo]

We just went to lunch for our anniversary. Conversation was very generic.

 

He just emailed me as I got back to my desk "Any time we spend together is quality time, thank you for lunch"...

 

Yuck. Hate those.

[cozycottagelg]

Yuck. Hate those.

 

I want to be on Facebook right now, posting about how I am celebrating 8 married years with my best friend...and instead I set my privacy so nobody could write on my wall as I didn't want anyone acknowledging my anniversary

[trippi1432]

Sigh!! Threads like this make me so depressed.

 

People fall in and out of love all the time in the course of long marriages. They grow, they support, they get selfish, they withdraw, they return to love and start again. Marriage has many stages.

 

I can both understand and relate to what you are saying; however, I lived an emotionally abusive 15 years with a man that I had good reason to fall out of love with. On the other hand, I would also be a woman who could appreciate a man like your husband and would make the effort to communicate my needs to him. From my perspective, the feelings you don't have for him anymore have more to do with your lack of communicating to get your needs met. I think that the guilt you feel, is you realizing that this really isn't about what he hasn't been doing (where it seems you find the resentment), but more about realizing you avoid rather than confront. Running away from that (leaving the marriage) isn't going to change that about you, it will just present itself in other forms throughout your life.

 

Instead of using divorce as a remedy for your own fears, perhaps talking those fears out with a good therapist may help. I really think that you hit the nail on the head that you don't like confrontation and you avoid, but it also sounds like you use your own resentment about how you avoid things to build up resentment against him as well, perfect way to stuff your feelings and cut them off. It comes down to the fact that if you are unhappy with yourself, you will never be happy, no matter what he does or doesn't do. That responsibility lies squarely on you.

[7andcounting]

Cozy, I can relate to your message as well. I think the only difference is that my husband lost sight of himself and engrossed himself with everything as it pertained to me. I have been telling him for the last 6 years that he is smothering me, slowly I have slipped away as he does not change.

 

His business has slowly over out 10 years fallen into shambles, he has no hobbies, friends or even acquaintances.

 

He loves me, but my feelings are the same as yours. I don't love him, I have lost much of the emotional feelings for him. While he is totally committed to making our marriage work. I look at him and feel pity, because he just can't see that I am done.

 

We are currently separated. Have been for a little over a week. I love it, he hates it. Our kids are two days on and two days off. Our 14 year old knows, the 7 year old does not yet and the 2 year old it does not seem to affect her.

 

I hope and encourage you to talk to him... I too married him when I was 21 and am now 32. We are the same age, I think we grow into ourselves. We change our interests but that is dictated by our lives. Mine, I like you tried to do everything I could to separate activities from my husband.

 

Don't slap him with your feelings, talk about it. Even if you are in it halfheartedly, give him the chance to fail or succeed. My husband is like my brother... Its sad. I love spending time with him and we work so well as a family. I think separated or divorced after the initial bit is gone we will be great together.

 

I have in the last two years contemplated an affair. Because he just does not know who I am. Someone said that is not the answer. I determined that, my marriage is not in hiatus because of a mistake emotional or physical. But because I have grown and changed and after years of begging him to come with me, we are different.

 

I wish you the best... I hope you take the step in talking to him. Its not something to be feared its something to embrace. Know that as you have grown your relationship has, give it the chance. Maybe his sweet messages are because he already knows, he can see your feelings. You will feel better after your conversation. You can let your baggage go and move forward without the thoughts dragging you through your day.

[GuyInLimbo]

I want to be on Facebook right now, posting about how I am celebrating 8 married years with my best friend...and instead I set my privacy so nobody could write on my wall as I didn't want anyone acknowledging my anniversary

 

That's one of the very many reasons I closed my account. My wife would actually bring that up and ask me why I wouldn't post all those mushy things about her. If she only knew...

[7andcounting]

That's one of the very many reasons I closed my account. My wife would actually bring that up and ask me why I wouldn't post all those mushy things about her. If she only knew...

 

My husband did the same thing... I would swear he would tag me in pictures and posts to get stuff on my wall that showed we were happy and in love.

[cozycottagelg]

My husband did the same thing... I would swear he would tag me in pictures and posts to get stuff on my wall that showed we were happy and in love.

 

That's what mine has done too...

[Steadfast]

Instead of using divorce as a remedy for your own fears, perhaps talking those fears out with a good therapist may help. I really think that you hit the nail on the head that you don't like confrontation and you avoid, but it also sounds like you use your own resentment about how you avoid things to build up resentment against him as well, perfect way to stuff your feelings and cut them off. It comes down to the fact that if you are unhappy with yourself, you will never be happy, no matter what he does or doesn't do. That responsibility lies squarely on you.

 

So proud of my dear friend Trippi for nailing the issue. I've been thinking how to word my response to you since I read your post on the other thread Cozy, but Tripp did it better. Key point: he's not responsible for your happiness. You are.

 

Read this. ^^ Then read it again. Then again and again until it sinks in.

 

Seriously? I could pen a novel comparing your thoughts and feelings to my ex. From my vantage point, she felt almost verbatim what you're feeling and experiencing. I loved her. Her built-up-over-time resentment for me not being able to make her happy eventually caused to her to become hostile. She cheated and left when she gave up hope, and went ice-cold to make sure I understood exactly where we and our marriage was: O.V.E.R.

 

Then? She didn't want me to go. Not completely anyway. She wanted me within reach, but out of her long, flowing hair when she was working on capping another crush. I'm not sure how many men she saw after we broke up. When I stopped caring I stopped counting. She told me later that she knew precisely when that was. She explained feeling it. She knew.

 

See, most men are really dumb. They see no reason to continue the hunt after the catch. Instead, most men (myself included) want to build on marriage to make a better life. More security. Accomplish something special. The motivation? To make their wives proud. That's how I felt.

 

I did carefully read your posts Cozy. He did mess up. Very 'guy' like.

 

I did too. Now? Even though I have recovered from losing the most important person in my life and have found happiness, I am terrified of marriage. No matter what, I can't give my heart that completely again. Oh, and my ex? The one that was sickened by my touch, my smell, my face? She freaked out when I began seeing someone new. No, she didn't want me back, she just didn't want to lose my devotion. But she lost it all. I loved her more than air and would have done anything to save us. But not now. Not gift wrapped, oiled-up in lingerie and holding a million dollars.

 

You think you can't destroy his love? You can. This will change him forever.

 

And you. And your kids.

 

You seem determined. I feel it. Just remember the above advice when you drop the hammer. After all the dust clears, you will still be left with...you.

 

Learn what real love is, and please remember my advice to read and re-read Trippi's post until it's memorized. It's the help you asked for.

Edited May 7, 2013 by Steadfast

[cozycottagelg]

So proud of my dear friend Trippi for nailing the issue. I've been thinking how to word my response to you since I read your post on the other thread Cozy, but Tripp did it better. Key point: he's not responsible for your happiness. You are.

 

Read this. ^^ Then read it again. Then again and again until it sinks in.

 

 

I agree with that statement completely.

 

I'm not sure what else to say about it. I don't feel like he is responsible for my happiness.

 

But let me pose another question ... why do I feel like I am responsible for his happiness?

[Steadfast]

I agree with that statement completely.

 

I'm not sure what else to say about it. I don't feel like he is responsible for my happiness.

 

But let me pose another question ... why do I feel like I am responsible for his happiness?

 

Because the one who cares the least controls the relationship.

[7andcounting]

I agree with that statement completely.

 

I'm not sure what else to say about it. I don't feel like he is responsible for my happiness.

 

But let me pose another question ... why do I feel like I am responsible for his happiness?

 

Because your the wife and that's a burden I think we all shoulder. That's what I have come up with! And through individual counseling I learned that my issue is that I am a "non-confrontational people pleaser". Its a hard nut to crack, to see someone you care deeply for unhappy, my feeling was that I just needed to make it right. But I did that by sacrificing myself to make my husband and kids happy.

 

Your not responsible for his happiness. And you have to get out of the habit of making it your responsibility. But on the same side, being honest with him. He knows your unhappy, and much like yourself he is probably to afraid to say it out loud.