Seperated 4 1/2 weeks ago...is awful!!

[MrE_UK]

Hi everyone,

 

Have been reading through this great forum for a while and thought was time to share my story...

 

In essence, my Wife was suffering from depression and I suffer with Anxiety - we were a right pair! We had financial pressures and stresses following my work drying up and we lost all tax credits (£84 per week!!). Our marriage became strained and we were distant.

 

After seeing a health care professional, my Wife was told she may be on the bipolar scale and they offered her some CBT. Upon hearing this, she went to her mother's house three days later, after Father's Day (we have a 2.5yo), for a week Mon to Fri. On the Thursday night, she came out with, "I don't want to come back." She hung up the phone and won't really talk about it.

 

As you can imagine, I went crazy with anxiety, desperation, fears, pain and hurt. I love my Wife very much and miss my daughter terribly. On top of this, I have no savings, money, income, poor credit, and only family is my Grandmother who has agreed I can have a room - otherwise I'd be homeless!!! Literally on the streets.

 

Two weeks later, she came with our daughter for a four day stay. We shared a bed, cuddled, kissed, I gave her a massage and we had a good old b...we had sex. She told me she'd be back in two weeks...it's now been three weeks and no return.

 

She said when she got back to her mother's house that things were going too quick, she was sorry but I would have to be patient and wait. She didn't want any physical contact, no loving messages, and she needed space and time.

 

Again, I went off on a devastated tangent. She has explained that my Anxiety was hard to live with and she thinks this is the cause of her depression. It made me isolate myself and she stopped doing things which caused me to be anxious - basically stopping any social or family life at all. I have no friends. I have owned this illness since seeing a GP after she left and am on calming tablets. I have also said I'd do a CBT once I've moved and take any job I can get.

 

I drafted an 'Informal Separation Agreement,' which said that if anything happens between us for now it's no promises, no expectations, no strings, and may no happen. If does, no green lights. It said we won't see anyone else at all. Just casual, light, fun and friendly. She agreed.

 

She recently said that all my texts, from reading here I know is a cardinal sin, are causing her to retreat and are a nuisance. She wants space and time. But she also said she, "Loves me, but not like a Wife should love her Husband at the moment and is not the way I want to be loved - but is a start and chin up!"

 

I apologised for my panic, and said is because of an illness. However, I have battled to control my anxiety and recently said to her that I need some space too, if I don't reply to her isn't because am playing games or have done anything stupid, and that I'll only take responsibility for my part. I said she has to take responsibility for her end. I said I love her and I want things to work out but won't force it. If she decides she wants to give us another go, I'll do whatever it takes to make it work. And apologised again for being desperate and fearful.

 

She's coming down to drop my daughter off for the weekend this Friday, then is returning on Monday to pack our things and move it all out, together and she's staying over two nights, on the Wednesday. I am staying at her mum's that night, unpacking on Thurs and moving down to my Gran's on that day. I'll return the van on Friday.

 

She won't talk about our marriage, she says she's not seeing anyone else but will let me know if that changes, says she doesn't want anyone right now and not just me, says she needs to get her head clear and build confidence and be individual for a while. She said be patient and we'll see. She also said perhaps she needs to try again for kids sake.

 

So I have literally been sitting at home alone, plodding along, wondering what the hell happened!!!!!! Is this permanent or temporary? Will me getting better be the key to reconciliation? Does she want someone else? No clue...

[MrE_UK]

Mr E

 

Please do the 180. Go make new friends, do as much fun things as possible. Leave her alone, be polite and friendly with her, when she contacts you..make every effort to move forward: Job, apartment, social life, school, classes, work out, go to the gym, go fishing, go hunting, do "man" things, smile ALOT! pretend to be happy with yourself until you are happy with yourself. Be a good father but Let her go!

 

Don't be a whipped dog crying at her feet. No woman wants that! Tell her:

Honey, you are free to leave anytime you want. My love, our marriage isn't a prison. Go be happy.

 

I'm sorry for your pain. I know it's hard. Please trust me when I tell you that the 180 is your best answer.

 

Hi beenkilled,

 

Thank you for the advice! Have been reading about the 180...interesting and will give it a go...

 

Funnily enough, she contacted me a few minutes ago and I replied politely to her request to not pack the Tupperware or the teapot, and to let her take my other daughters things (she's staying with her for two weeks in August - previous partner). I agreed and said that's fine, no problems.

 

I also said something like what you recommended in my own words. She replied, "Ok," and sent me a link to a 50% off a weekday Pizza from Dominos!!! LOL I just replied, "Thanks :)"

 

I don't want to read into it, but she'll be here from early Friday morning and leave to return to her Mum's around 10pm the same day, she said. Do I take it she wants us to get a Pizza, or is just being friendly?

Edited July 22, 2013 by MrE_UK
Asked a question

[MrE_UK]

Tough it is...been together for 7 years, married 5. I hope this 180 gives positive results, but I guess I have to accept it also may not. But worth a try and will stop me acting like a prize ass!

 

I will try to keep my composure and act this out. Will be tough seeing her as I know I'll want more. But I do also respect her. I see it's a waiting game...now...

 

Again, thanks for all the advice. Has been very lonely this last month!!

 

She sent me another email about this pizza thing saying might come in handy next week during move. So, she is being practical. Seems odd though as what we're eating is the last thing on my mind when I think about moving...but we always enjoyed a pizza together or other takeaway!!! However, since she left have lost 1.5stone in weight. She's seeing this move as we're doing it, not she is. Confusing and weird really...

 

Before she said that there would be no coming back from seeing anyone else. The more I think of it, the more I think I am falling into being a reservist??? She also said before perhaps we'll just be a no strings thing. Aaaargh!!!!!! You're right, I've got to stop analysing.

 

When I see her, I'll act Ok with everything and concentrate on enjoying time with my daughter. It's been too long for me.

[MrE_UK]

Oh, I thought I'd throw this at ya as well...I refuse to take medication for my panic attacks. I had them when I tried to go to sleep....anyway, I used CD's that I would put in at night. It was a program by Lucinda Bassett. It really helped me overcome my anxiety. I am so much better now and un-medicated. The panic attacks have been under control for about 10 years now (I had them way before any marriage issues). You should check out the program, I think they'll send you a free CD.

 

 

Thanks for the info...will definitely check it out. Some calm and relaxation would be something new!

 

She's texting now about a job interview she has tomorrow and wants to pick my brains about social media tonight (I am an English Literature and Media Production graduate). She knows I've struggled to find work!! I haven't replied. I guess she'll be phoning then?? Last call was a week ago - and according to 180 it's all about her, so, I'll answer if she does call.

 

Also, I have had more messages in last hour and a half from her then in the last four days!!! I have got to keep my cool, not read into it or analyse, and just be friendly. Man is she messing with my head...

 

When I text, emailed and called, she ignored me...and rightly so I guess with me panicking, etc.,. I won't reply to text, but will answer phone if she calls. Hmmm...

 

I was expecting no contact from her at all. How is this having space and time?

Edited July 22, 2013 by MrE_UK

[MrE_UK]

So, she called tonight quite late and stayed on the phone for about 40 mins. We talked about social media, blogging and business related stuff. She then gave me advice on writing cover letters, and offered to proofread them for me! She talked a bit about my anxiety and I said I'm fine and looking forward to getting on with life. We spoke about the kids. She told me about her day - i just listened. She even called me Darling at one point!! At the end, she wished me a good sleep and a good night. She spoke softly and warmly...??? I said good luck with interview and she thanked me.

 

Was a nice conversation without stress or anything negative...first in a long time. Really enjoyed talking with my Wife!! Only thinking of it as a nice conversation and nothing more though. Completely different to before being told to basically get lost.

 

Although my mind and heart is screaming for more, to see her again and be close, will stick to 180 and see. This has been a different and interesting day!! We haven't spoke like this for over a year!!!

[MrE_UK]

Have had a good email today to say am being considered for a trainee sales account manager role in IT industry, which is about 80 miles away from where she has moved to.

 

I mentioned this to her after ignoring two emails this morning from her where she has sent me other job information. Said training is two years and a job at the end of it, great money and benefits. She replied, "Sounds good! What you got to do now?" and she added, "You'd end up on more money than me!" I said I would be there indefinitely if successful as job at the end of the two years with £15k salary rise.

 

Said assessment day would fall next week whilst we're moving. Also said perviously, a week ago, I have an unconditional offer to study an MA in English Language from a University.

 

She hasn't replied yet after being enthusiastic.

 

EDIT: Had a call today also to say have been short-listed for Sales and Customer Service role with Advertising company too!!! - You couldn't make it up...how odd???

 

EDIT 2: Just read the emails for jobs she sent me. Are for jobs where she is moving to?????!!!!!! Messing with my head again...aaargh! 1 for a grotto father xmas, and 1 for a product copywriter. I'm not moving there...

 

I take it she would like me to?? Weird, weird, weird...

Edited July 23, 2013 by MrE_UK
Additional Info

[keepontruckin]

Listen to me... You could come back reincarnated as Jesus Christ, but yet with the face of a young Johnny Depp, and carrying a wheelbarrow full of gold... It wouldn't make a difference. When they leave, it doesn't matter whom you are, what you do, or what you become.

 

Who you thought you knew, you don't know. Who you thought you knew, is gone. It makes you question if you ever really knew that person... You didn't!

You got played, and it's time to get back into the game!

[MrE_UK]

Listen to me... You could come back reincarnated as Jesus Christ, but yet with the face of a young Johnny Depp, and carrying a wheelbarrow full of gold... It wouldn't make a difference. When they leave, it doesn't matter whom you are, what you do, or what you become.

 

Who you thought you knew, you don't know. Who you thought you knew, is gone. It makes you question if you ever really knew that person... You didn't!

You got played, and it's time to get back into the game!

 

Well, if she doesn't ever want to reconcile later on at least I'll have better qualifications, a good job, somewhere to live and, hopefully, by end of next summer will have taken up glider flying! (only £600 course to go solo). I'll also be sporting a six-pack and be toned to death from going to gym and swimming...

 

Then once over this nightmare, if that's possible, I'll try and get a hot, thin 25 year old blonde GF and post loads of pics on Facebook of her in her bikini and on a sun-soaked beach with me abroad and basking in a glider at 6,000ft holding up a banner with 'This could have been you!' written on it!!!!!!

 

But seriously, this 180 has stopped me being a little pathetic tbh. I hope it works out, but need to stop thinking about her somehow...accept the situation and see what happens. Instead of the ball in her court I guess anything's possible now...I thought I was a tuffy, but she's brought me crumbling to my knees. Helping with anxiety too, which I didn't realise I had until she dropped the atomic bomb on me...

 

But am also thinking her leaving was because of me and my illness, stressful situation and no end in sight. Time to be a changed man regardless...

 

The test will be Friday when I see her...I know I'll be a mess. If she wants any affection or intimacy, which I doubt, but I wouldn't be able to say no. I'd bloody love some!!! Acting skills standing by.

Edited July 23, 2013 by MrE_UK

[MrE_UK]

It sounds like you have been doing a great job, so far so good.

 

 

 

EXACTLY!!!

She may come back to you....she may not. At this point it needs to stop being about her and be about YOU!

 

You will have good days and bad days. Just keep it about YOU!

Keep up the good work!!! I'm really proud of you!

 

 

Thanks...difficult but committed!! Bored of being devastated...this is such a friendly, and supportive forum...I'd still be a mess without reading am not alone and other's go through same thing.

 

She let my daughter phone me tonight for a raspberry blowing competition...and Wife joined in. When phone hung up, she kept calling back...

 

Now, this hasn't happened until tonight. Was always put the phone down once and that's my lot even after two minutes, not join in, not talk or share anything. Much lighter and more fun!! She told me about their day at a fun park, then shopping...said she got vacuum bags for our stuff for moving. Said good idea.

 

Told me about her mum's strawberry's, black currents and other things she's growing. Just said sounded good.

 

I didn't call back on last time phone hung up like I used to. Just accept the time and appreciate the call for what it was. Close to bedtime too for little one. Just sent a text to say give daughter hug and kiss from me please.

 

Whatever the future, this was a nice call. I really want to say "I love you and miss you, please let's just try," but will fight the urge. A little upsetting as really miss my daughter, but am holding it back until am alone. Not giving anything away now; although, last night when she asked about my anxiety I did say that I've also been trying to cope with the pain this all has caused me and trying to find my confidence again.

Edited July 23, 2013 by MrE_UK

[MrE_UK]

Early evening I replied to her email about the father xmas job she sent me at 8am, and said, "But I thought he was real?!"

 

She replied about four hours later saying it made her laugh. I asked about her interview, she said good and will find out more later in week. Said I had been called for another job and will call for interview after moving.

 

She asked why I can't go now. Said too far and not enough money for travel, plus I have appointments this week. She said is a shame and asked if it will count against me. I said I didn't know, but will call them back after the move at their request. She replied with not much I can do and is short notice. I said true but positive. End of convo.

 

She then posted on Facebook is having some chocolate and watching zombies after a productive day. What she used to do when we lived together in bed during the week!!! I would be reading or watching a movie beside her.

 

Now, does this seem like she is just finding some comfort zone or is off her rocker completely??? Seems too normal to me and not too different to us living together - thankfully - but by actually having an ordinary dialogue like nothing's happened whilst she relaxes (must be nice!).

 

Now, when she came last time, she wanted us to lay in bed and do this too. When we were, she put her hand on me, and at one point asked me to cuddle her and watch her zombies TV show together on her iPhone. She even kissed me a peck on the lips all cosy. But that was as far as I could go. She lead the way, so to speak. Affectionate, but with no sex. On fourth day, she asked for a naked massage and this led to sex. However, I was being a desperate, anxious, fearful and hurting loony-tune.

 

Last night she asked what I had been doing, and I said laying in bed watching a Lee Evans comedy DVD. She chuckled and seemed to like this...

 

Aaargh! Head mess...

 

I bet money that when she's here next week, she'll want us to do this... also on Friday, once little one is in bed, she's staying for a bit until 10pm with me too. Now, wtf!!! If this happens, should I follow her lead and let happen whatever she wants to happen? Am thinking will be nice as long as I don't read into it and maintain my cool. No matter what it is...talking, watching TV, chilling, or even cuddling up on sofa. Who knows? However, I won't be a loony-tune and will try to be relaxed, confident and happy.

 

Saturday she's going out on her sister's birthday. Then returning Monday and sleeping here until Weds. She said once our bed is in the van, Tuesday night we can sleep on an inflatable double bed her mum has. Like nothings happened and no one's in pain!!! Weird, weird, weird...

 

So, will do 180 but also not be completely cold as that's just not me. I sent a text just to say thanks for advice last night and enjoyed chat, I value her input and will keep it in mind, thanks for fun chat with daughter, and hope she gets that job. At the end of the day, need to keep it good for daughter's sake but not for trying to get her back. Will now wait for her to contact me as per 180. Better i think...

Edited July 24, 2013 by MrE_UK
Completeness...

[MrE_UK]

I am sure there wasn't an OM before she decided to leave. I think in her head the stresses and pressures of our situation and the way we had no affection, etc., became too much to handle, so, she legged it. She was also coming off anti-depressants at the time, which have side effects and made her irritable, snappy and anxious. All became too much and she has a dependency on her mother and sisters. Since she's moved, she's been involving herself in their lives a lot. Since she's been feeling better, I think she blames me and our marriage, even though she was 50% of it.

 

She is trying to set up a book club for mother's with babies, and also start a charity thing to invite people her family knows. She is building a support network around herself, and before when I said about Uni course for a year, she said, "So you're thinking that you won't be coming here for a year?" I said, "Well, we can still be together and I'll be gaining something worthwhile." She said, "Well, yeah."

 

With a clear head (feel calm today), I think she seems now to be indecisive about what's reality and what she is thinking as the two don't fit, and then there's what she is feeling. She did say she feels less than 70% like she'd want to try and see what happens with me, but it's not 0% either. She said I need to be patient and wait; but refuses to talk further for now - she's always liked being in charge!

 

She doesn't respond to anything affectionate or caring, but at the same time she's still communicating with me. She's been texting and sending emails about moving, jobs, daughter, and what I've said to my family about her - but may be a guilt thing too? She hasn't checked out, but I feel that she just wants to be amicable for now.

 

She asked what I said to my family about her. I just told her I told them the truth about her depression, my anxiety, financial pressures, etc., but that I didn't put her down as I wouldn't do that. She said, "Neither would I!"

 

I think I will send her an email about what I am thinking re: moving forward, from my POV only and about me without mention of marriage, etc., as a friendly letter. Then see if/how she responds and what she says.

 

At the end of the day, she's going to have to make a choice sooner rather than later, I think, and if she has decided, she's going to have to let me know - which she may have been avoiding!! She just says she doesn't know. Said she's healing. I guess my Anxiety was pretty bad then?! Perhaps she did this out of necessity and desperation, rather than out of wanting to, or because of someone else. Therefore, I guess I must remain positive, and defeat this illness.

 

This uncertainty has made me wonder if someone else has shown an interest and she has two lives to choose from - with or without me - but she was thinking this anyway, so, I just don't see it. If there was someone else, I bet I wouldn't hear from her apart from to do with my daughter.

 

But have let her know I am moving forward with or without her, so, the clocks ticking and the door has started to close. After we move, then I'll just get on with it and let her sample without me for a while unless about daughter. I don't mind the little conversations; but, they seem a bit pointless like: Her - I saw a horse. ME - What colour? Her - Brown. Me - That's nice. Taking up riding? Her - no reply. I mean, wtf!! Perhaps she's testing if I'm being positive now or still suffering with Anxiety.

 

EDIT: She text me about a car she saw and liked and said she needs £1,300, it's a bargain! Also she said is planning on driving down Friday morning early (borrowing her mum's car - I mean, we're in our thirties!!), stopping in at work to collect a few bits (she handed her notice in) and say bye to a few friends on the way. Said looking forward to it and asked about the car. She replied make, model and how many miles it has. I asked what registration year, she replied and said well doesn't matter I don't have the money. Why look then?! I said you will soon enough. I asked if she's ok as seems despondent, hasn't replied. She knows I'm broke, so, just odd. Perhaps the grass isn't greener!!!

 

Since all this, I have got my debts sorted out and managed, job searching and claiming a few pounds being on benefits until I get a job, and ticking along. Got Uni course coming up, a room to sleep in, and have been taking care of all the moving stuff up to know like booking van, notifying utility companies, starting to close down joint accounts at her request, and looking after myself shopping, cleaning, washing, etc.,. Have lost some weight, getting treatment for Anxiety, and dealing with my pain and grief. Lost the plot for a bit, but now feel I can cope. Got my hair cut and caught her trying to see me on video call with my daughter - I smiled and so did she before quickly moving the view away from herself. Is she not doing as well as she makes out then?

 

I used to work with vehicles as a Technician, so, I guess she just wanted a little conversation and found something to talk about. I will text her later on about something I know she's very interested in and see if sparks a conversation other than about our daughter, etc.,. Gain a common ground - so to speak. Will mention something about a history tour I've seen advertised - she likes the history of the British monarchy. I'll mirror her for a bit...

Edited July 24, 2013 by MrE_UK

[MrE_UK]

She called again...We had a nice 30min video chat, just us, with daughter in bed. Spoke about moving, she's doing a car boot, her job offer, she showed me her eyebrows after they were done professionally, and we talked about my anxiety and CBT as well as the meds, talked about her sister's hen do, and other minor stuff.

 

She said she wants to keep and store all the baby stuff including cot, etc., when I suggested we sell it all. I also said that if we're done, I'm going to get sterilised!!!!!!!

 

She then text me to say is watching a moving moment on zombie TV show and she is crying!!

 

I know where this is leading...but will keep to 180, and let her lead the way so to speak. No investment, no hopes, no dreams, just moments.

 

EDIT: She's now sending me songs saying, "This is so apt for me right now,"...asking me to be patient.

 

I sent one back: Nothing Else Matters.

 

Midnight: She's been sending me loads of links for writing work. Go figure...

Edited July 24, 2013 by MrE_UK

[Nervous]

Mr. E

I find myself in a similar situation to you. My thread is here:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/404855-my-wife-left-suddenly

 

I'm also in the UK and have also felt lonely, anxious and over analytical among other things. What's helped me the most is acceptance. Once I accepted the fact that she's never coming back, regardless of any good and bad moments, I've found it easier on the mind. I'm first now, she's second. I do what I want when I want. I used to consider how she'd feel about the things I was doing but I don't consider her any more. Like you, we are keeping it friendly but I make sure that when there is contact that there is a valid reason and subject matter for it. I'm nearly 2 months in at the moment and it's happened real quickly so it's made me feel impatient, like I should be further on or I should have met someone else by now. However I accept that I'm not ready yet. I'm having good days and bad days. If I examine that the good times are becoming more frequent when I think back to the first couple of weeks, so slow progress is being made. My advice is to do what comforts you, don't isolate (I say yes to any invitation now) and look after yourself.

You will feel better in time regardless of the outcome relationship wise.

Take care my friend.

[MrE_UK]

Well, she is coming tomorrow for the day with our daughter before returning back to her mother's for her sister's birthday tomorrow, etc.,.

 

I had my telephone interview today about the great job opportunity 80 miles away from where she has moved to. Went well!

 

I ignored a text from her at 6:30am until 11:30am and replied with a short text.

 

She called me after her cleaning job today at 5:30pm. Sounded jolly. Told her about my interview and it went well. This could mean a two year well-paid training programme for me. She said is a good opportunity, but didn't sound as jolly. She said I have her to thank for advice!! She asked what about my Masters degree. I said I told them and they seemed fine about me doing that in own hours, of course. She said, "Oh, ok."

 

Had FaceTime with daughter; but all seemed a bit stressed at their end. Her mother was in, unlike yesterday. Wife was wearing PJ's bottoms, vest top and no bra. She seemed to be ok with me seeing her on the video call tonight as well.

 

She has only text me once afterward to say she has a splitting headache and is struggling with daughter's whinging. I said daughter is probably just hot, unwell as teeth still coming through. Also said that she should try to relax, take a deep breath and smile.

 

After I had my lamb and salad dinner, washed up, hung out washed laundry, had a beer and listened to some music. All quiet tonight...hopefully not calm before the storm!!!

 

Wondering if the reality has started dawning on her that I am going to lead my own life without her as she wants a "healing" separation?? Probably unrelated.

Edited July 25, 2013 by MrE_UK

[Steadfast]

After reading your thoughts, I'm inclined to comment that you aren't fully committed to the 180...it's more like a 120. Drifting away but receptive to her input and attention. With a young child, I can imagine a harder stance would be difficult. Still, be aware that she values this control and power.

 

It seems you're doing very little to change her mind. Commendable.

 

Sadly, women in love with their men absolutely do not leave them...even if the relationship is very difficult. Women are generally intelligent and insightful beings regarding relation issues, meaning she's very aware that -because she's setting you free- her actions might mean you'll develop feelings for another woman. And while some women/wives are confident enough in your love (for them) to experiment while hubby's put on ice, it isn't a risk taken by someone with even lukewarm romantic interest.

 

Translation: When a woman leaves, she almost always leaves for good.

 

Resist the temptation to analyze every word, phrase or mood. Her actions are what must be counted, not the breadcrumbs she tosses when you're drifting a little faster than she's comfortable with. You are an emotional blanket; a warm, familiar something to wrap herself in when she's feeling afraid, frustrated or lonely. In short, you're allowing her to use you.

 

My advice would be to acknowledge and respond to what's important, and politely bow out of the rest. The child, finances, a serious injury/illness are things you would automatically respond to. Casual conversation, chit-chat or updates on job interviews, dinner plans or what you're sleeping in should be cut from the equation. This is not done to play her interest back up, it is a mental exercise to prepare for what seems an inevitable divorce.

 

Make this 'stay-over' visit the last. In fact, I'd book some alone time with the child and stay in another location. No holding. No touching. Reserve and share those things with the woman who desires you; not your role.

 

Make yourself not need it. Show her and yourself that you are not needy.

 

At this point, only a full fledged plea from her should give you pause to reconsider. Reject your role as security blanket and allow her to fully taste what it is she ordered. It is the only way either one of you will truly know.

[r4lamar]

Same situation - she left me, need time to figure stuff out blah blah blah.... I to had to do the 180. I was still very much in love with her but realized she was moving on without me, and I needed to do the same. Do things that improve your life and that you want to do, focus on yourself - I did this while letting her know I want things to work out but she had to figure out things on her end. I wouldn't text or email unless I was responding to something and for a month or 2 it was only about the kids. We did see a therapist thru all of this which helped a great deal. I eventually had to give her a time limit (we need to figure this out by July so we can move on with our lives if needed). Don't know if it was the right move but worked for me. I got to the point (and I flat out told her) - I was to a point where I no longer needed her in my life, but I wanted her in my life - if she could make changes on her end - and let her know I was making changes on my end (things that I needed to do anyhow). This was the hardest thing I ever went thru - the woman I adore, not wanting to be with me. Long story short, she decided to give it another go. We started slow, doing stuff together with our kids etc... she moved back in and we have never been happier. I know we have always to go and it will always be work but going thru this made us stronger.

 

Let her know what you are willing to change to fix the relationship and let her know what you expect of her. Be brutally honest with each other and what each of you need - it has been very freeing for us. Like one poster said - I don't know if this right but it worked for me. As for the sex, I say take it - make it fun and exciting and not a big deal. Get up and move on with your life, at least you got a little.

 

This is hell to go thru - I just kept telling myself that no matter what happens in the end I will be a better person. Good luck brother.

[MrE_UK]

Well, she came yesterday arriving in the early afternoon with my daughter. She seemed happy, bright and friendly. Showed me a bracelet her work bought her as a leaving present, and she came in and lay on the bed - said tired as left at 6am.

 

We played with my daughter together, which was good for the little one.

 

At one point, she gave me a big cuddle and started crying. She says our situation is horrible, but she doesn't know if she can trust my anxiety will be treated as was horrid to live with - first time she said this directly. I said, "Well, am working hard on it with help and I will overcome this illness. I am sorry." She also mentioned about me listening to her with all being positive in the future...I said when anxiety gone I will be more able to listen to others in general and feel much better recently, but sorry she is hurting.

 

She said also that she feels she needs to show me tough love and she wished I listened to her before. I said I understood, but is not helping when dealing with anxiety issue as I need to concentrate on battling it. She seemed to relax after and was more pleasant.

 

She said she will help me with my presentation if I need it as got to the final assessment day of the new job. I said thanks but I think I know what I am doing. She said she would read it for me if I wanted her to. I said thanks for the offer and will show her on Monday.

 

With that out the way, she started to pack the car with all her stuff and things to sell at a car boot. I helped pack the car and played with my daughter.

 

Later on the she brought up our relationship, so I asked what was going on for her and is this leading to divorce, and also if she's seeing other people. She got angry at this and had a go at me for 10 mins! I took our daughter out for a walk for an hour. She was shouting at my anxiety, I think.

 

She asked me to read her diary from the past year. I agreed I would.

 

She decided to stay until 3am, before returning back to her mum's, to sleep before a 3 hour drive. I said fair enough. As we lay in bed, she placed an arm over me and threw a leg over mine - was nice and no big deal really. I just held her hand and didn't pore over her at all. Left it at that.

 

She left at 3am and gave me a quick hug goodbye as I lay in bed still. Kept out the way! She said could I watch her out the window as she gets a bit scared at that hour in case - so I agreed and did. She drove off.

 

I got a text from her saying that when she mentioned the movie, 'Just Go With It,' she said that is a metaphor to how she loves and lives life. I took this message to mean this is also about my anxiety. I didn't get it at first, but now I see is due to my anxiety again as in the full throws of it, I ask tonnes of questions, am fearful, can't sleep, and other uncomfortable effects - I can't get on with life and enjoy it.

 

This has been a good day to have. I think I understand her point of view now and is all about my illness. She needs me to just get on with life without it. If I can, things may turn out positive in the future; but, is my battle to deal with alone for now. She wants me to understand how life has been for her as a partner of someone who is ill and how tough it is. She wants me to get better, get a job, make friends, and enjoy living without anxiety - so that's my challenge for myself for now, and for the kids...to get well.

 

This illness may have destroyed my marriage. My defeating it may be the cause of reconciliation. Either way, I need to get better and be consistently well and put it behind me.

 

I text her today and said, "I get what you're saying to me now. I need to get better, be better and stay better. Thank you for helping me. xx" She replied, "Ok, halleluja! x x"

Edited July 27, 2013 by MrE_UK

[Steadfast]

Mighty big of you to take all the blame. Sorry if I'm coming across as negative...I have read your words carefully to gain some depth of understanding, but all I see is her training you like a new puppy.

 

Have you apologized for being born yet?

 

In my opinion, true love grows and deepens in times of trouble. Problems build resolve and strengthen determination. Your illness, ailment (or whatever label clinical anxiety falls under) was causing her to be miserable, meaning you weren't giving back that which she thought you owed her. Question: Did you have this condition before you married? Did she know?

 

Behavior can change when faced with great upheaval and loss. It is up to you to determine if this truly is the cause or an excuse. Personally? I'd invite her to kiss both sides of my ass and closely gauge that response.

[MrE_UK]

Mighty big of you to take all the blame. Sorry if I'm coming across as negative...I have read your words carefully to gain some depth of understanding, but all I see is her training you like a new puppy.

 

Have you apologized for being born yet?

 

In my opinion, true love grows and deepens in times of trouble. Problems build resolve and strengthen determination. Your illness, ailment (or whatever label clinical anxiety falls under) was causing her to be miserable, meaning you weren't giving back that which she thought you owed her. Question: Did you have this condition before you married? Did she know?

 

Behavior can change when faced with great upheaval and loss. It is up to you to determine if this truly is the cause or an excuse. Personally? I'd invite her to kiss both sides of my ass and closely gauge that response.

 

No, she nor I knew I had an issue with Anxiety, am now on a Cognitive Behavioural Therapy course for it, and on calming meds. People just thought I was nuts apparently!

 

The problem was that my anxiety caused us social isolation, a break from family, I was distant and couldn't see past my own nose with this...an illness, yes, but apparently is very tough on partners.

 

Although I shouldn't apologise for being ill - you're right. But, sometimes, if it makes her feel better than why not? There's no negative consequence to me.

 

This issue was caused by severe childhood physical abuse and an absent father. I know what you're saying though...now we know this, it shouldn't be all about her and her needs.

 

It has caused financial issues, a lack of emotional support from me, poor communication, and I wasn't able to partake in family and social activities putting all the burden on her.

 

I have told her though that none of it was because of her, or what I thought of her, or anything about her...it's all about me.

 

But I think in her way she is just trying to make me get treatment and see it through, and putting boundaries up because of my behaviour. She reached her limit!

[Adee]

Hi, been nearly a month ive been seperated from my wife, she wants her space to figure stuff out, meanwhile im in hell, ive had anxiety problems for that last 20 years, since my dad died, i have times when i can function normally, then times like now for obvious reasons its kicking my ass, cant sleep properly, keep waking up, get up in the morning feeling exhausted...

 

its a struggle, not on medication, dont do the side effects,

 

back to the wife, all i wanna do is text her and tell her how i feel but i know its not the thing to do, i miss my dog, stepson, the house etc driving me mad.

 

[MrE_UK]

Hi, been nearly a month ive been seperated from my wife, she wants her space to figure stuff out, meanwhile im in hell, ive had anxiety problems for that last 20 years, since my dad died, i have times when i can function normally, then times like now for obvious reasons its kicking my ass, cant sleep properly, keep waking up, get up in the morning feeling exhausted...

 

its a struggle, not on medication, dont do the side effects,

 

back to the wife, all i wanna do is text her and tell her how i feel but i know its not the thing to do, i miss my dog, stepson, the house etc driving me mad.

 

 

This a painful and difficult process for sure! On one hand, have to look after self...on other hand, thinking about the Wife, loss and rejection.

 

After some time and a bit of distance from me, she is basically calling for a trust building regime. In essence, this is me not having anxiety issues any more, or at least being able to control my behaviours and thoughts as a result of therapy.

 

So, her rules for now are like the 180, except she's starting to open up little by little without me adding pressure, desperation or being needy. But everyone's situation is unique and different - she never checked out.

 

She says she thinks of me when she sees things I might like, which she sees as a positive and meaning she still has good feelings. I think she's been missing me, but has started softening since I've been on CBT and since I have this good job opportunity, and the MA come up - am living life again and being lighter, funnier, less selfish and more positive.

 

It may work out, it may not; but, am enjoying working on myself in a positive, forward moving way. It's up to me to regain her trust that the past will stay in the past, and the future will be bright and healthy. Is going to take time and at some point I may realise that it's unfixable - but worth a try.

 

This is about having a life instead of living in the prison of anxiety.

[MrE_UK]

Just checking on you......Hope everything is going good.

 

Hi,

 

Thanks for checking up...

 

Finished the moves today. Am now in my room on the laptop 150 miles away from Wife and Daughter. Very stressful, tiring, and emotional.

 

In the end, I suggested we get rid of most of our things we didn't want or need instead of storing them. I said that I thought was good for three reasons:

 

1. Putting the past behind us

2. If we start afresh better chance of success

3. If doesn't work, we can both move on without so many ties

 

However, driving the van through the night I had a panic attack, which wasn't pleasant. Wife was understanding though. A little set back.

 

Spent some great days with my daughter despite being busy. Bought her ice creams, took her to the seaside and she played with other kids at a water feature. Loads of cuddles too!

 

Turns out we may be going to try to work this out. I suggested marriage councilling might be a good way forward and left it at that. However, the main concern is my anxiety and, now, panic attacks...have agreed to keep working on it.

 

Should find out about job tomorrow. Assessment day went well I thought. But, who knows...if not, will keep trying.

 

Off swimming on Saturday. Have been contemplating taking wedding ring off to help space myself; but, then thought against it.

[lostsoul469]

I'm in the same exact situation. Please read my post

[MrE_UK]

It sounds like you are doing well. Even if it's just small baby steps forward, you are still moving forward I hope things continue to improve.

 

Panic attacks can be so scary! I tried to think of it like this:

When my heart was beating a hundred miles an hour.....I thought "Hey" it's like getting a workout without the running Just a thought. It's also kind of interesting to know some other crazy symptoms that people have. That's why I recommend Lucinda's CD. It's very good and I heard the commercial on the radio yesterday, they will send you a free CD on how to stop a panic attack in it's tracks. Other than that...just get up and start doing a task that you have to focus on......STOP "body checking" (checking to see if you are feeling the panic, heart beating, breathing pattern, etc.

Good Luck!

 

Sorry for rambling!!

 

Hi,

 

Yeah, baby steps but I'll find my pace eventually...

 

However, went for a swim earlier, and am now ready to go out tonight to find what I can find and have a few beers! Have had a bath, new Ferrari aftershave, shaved, and looking nice I think.

 

If she wants me to wait, fine. I'll keep the door ajar for her...but, am not going to do it sitting in feeling sorry for myself on the off-chance. After all, at some point I am going to want to get laid!!!! lol Posted on Facebook am off out after a good swim too...

 

Also, would be good to have some positive company rather than listen to her go on about councilling (for me I must add), anxiety and CBT, kids, and splitting our possessions - I don't want the bloomin' stuff! Would be nice to have some female company who sees me because she's interested; not because we're healing (whatever that means!!).

 

And I have decided I do not want any serious relationships. Just friends, and see what happens. I just want to laugh, smile, and enjoy good company - and I'd be over the moon with just a cuddle and a snog to be honest.

 

Anyway, must get on as am looking forward to some R&R )

 

So,

[MrE_UK]

Well, have been living here a week now. Unfortunately, I didn't get the job; but, was a great experience and gave me some self worth back!

 

I have had a counselling session to help deal with the separation and some issues around my anxiety and childhood...did me the world of good and am looking forward to the next session.

 

I have had my hair cut today and will be having the kids from tomorrow (Friday) until Monday, which will be great. We are going swimming, to the swings at the park, meeting up with my brother and his family, and also to McDonald's.

 

I joined a free dating site just to see if I'd get anywhere, and have had some messages from nice sounding and looking ladies. This has boosted my confidence no end! I said on my profile just looking for friends and see where it leads, but to be honest I won't follow anything romantic for now though. Just really nice to have some interest and help build me back up again...I AM ATTRACTIVE!!! LOL

 

Have been busy sorting my things, applying for work and reading. I finished my non-fiction book proposal (41 pages and 14,000 words) and have sent to agents...one said interested and is considering me! Fingers crossed!! The book is about a hobby of mine and there isn't a book about what I've written to help beginners, so, worth a punt as they say.

 

I have been going swimming regularly and am still losing weight. Feels good to be busy and alive again. Positive.

 

Although the Wife and I talk every day about what she wants to talk about: her jobs, her new car, the kids, my ex, meeting up to exchange the kids, money, kids being ill, schools for youngest, her two sisters...I don't say anything much and only let her know I've had counselling and seeing the Doc again next week about my anxiety issues as a passing comment. She said she's not ready to talk about our relationship yet. I just said that's fine, whenever she wants to is Ok with me.

 

Have been watching movies, eating popcorn, and generally staying active. Took some books to the charity shop I didn't want any more, and have put up some pictures of the kids. Been doing my washing, some shopping, and bought some new electric toothbrush heads. Cracking on as they say...