Cyndyrr327 Posted October 18, 2013 Share Posted October 18, 2013 My husband and I have been married for 13 years. I don't know if so much has changed or I've just found out so much more than I used to know. He's a good man, supports us, good father, not fooling around, has supported me in going back to get my masters recently and changing jobs, etc. The problem is that he is such a loner. Most evenings he's hiding in his man cave and we rarely see him. He coaches the kids sports so they see him way more than I do. When he and I try to have conversations it mostly ends up in some ridiculous fight. He thinks he always says the wrong thing and I think he just doesn't like me very much. This past summer I brought up divorce because I just feel like its a very blah relationship and I'm not getting any younger. I know that sounds bad, but its been this way for many years, close to 5-6 years. We tried to put things in place and work it out but we always end up right back in the same place. I want to have SOME fun before I die! He is not fun! Never jokes, doesn't like to hang out with me or any couple friends, we have no similar interests, etc. When I brought up divorce this summer he told me that he will NEVER sign the papers and will never move out. He says its because he wants this family, but I really believe its because he does not want to be away from our kids, not me. Does this sound like divorce material? I know there are no huge problems, I mean we can live as roommates like we've been doing. Second, if I do want to divorce, is it even possible if he will absolutely not agree to it? Thanks!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cyndyrr327 Posted October 19, 2013 Author Share Posted October 19, 2013 Can I get some opinions please? Link to post Share on other sites
TrappedWanderer Posted October 19, 2013 Share Posted October 19, 2013 Hi Cyndyrr, Not sure how much help I can be, but my two cents. Have you maybe tried a trial separation? Maybe set a timeline on it-3 month or so. That way, you can see if it IS a divorce that you think is the best course of action, and it gives him a chance to ease into a new situation and decide what important to him (i.e. maybe he would realize he would need to step things up a bit...or he would realize no longer being together is for the best). Maybe a couple of session of marriage counseling during the split so that that's open, but mediated, discourse? Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Criticality Posted October 19, 2013 Share Posted October 19, 2013 It's kinda funny, I almost have the same problem just with my wife, and not nearly as bad as in your case I guess. (Its in the thread I started, if you look at my profile. Don't want to waste your time by rephrasing it) I want to have SOME fun before I die! He is not fun! Never jokes, doesn't like to hang out with me or any couple friends, we have no similar interests, etc. I gotta ask: How did you two get married? What did you fall for? I mean... Has he always been this boring? I guess a trial seperation or marriage counseling might be in order. Maybe you could put a time limit on it. If things don't improve in six months to a year, you're getting a divorce. (You might want to keep the time limit to yourself) To what degree would you be OK with staying like roommates of sorts, and going out to have fun and do things with other people? (Not necessarily sex) Link to post Share on other sites
UpwardForward Posted October 19, 2013 Share Posted October 19, 2013 (edited) I gotta ask: How did you two get married? What did you fall for? I mean... Has he always been this boring? I guess a trial seperation or marriage counseling might be in order. Maybe you could put a time limit on it. If things don't improve in six months to a year, you're getting a divorce. (You might want to keep the time limit to yourself) To what degree would you be OK with staying like roommates of sorts, and going out to have fun and do things with other people? (Not necessarily sex) Imo, Marriage is too important to take leave and go out with others even as 'friends' - just because one isn't having fun at home. This will just agitate things. OP, if you feel your H is ignoring you, I would strive for more on your own. When you're alone, or your children are being cared for, I could suggest walking/exercise, more schooling, perhaps employment - or furtherance of an existing job, etc. In other words: enhancing your existing personal life. Imo, this may just bring him closer to you and at the same time strengthening you. Also, don't assume the grass would be greener out there with another relationship(s) (or their past). Edited October 19, 2013 by UpwardForward Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cyndyrr327 Posted October 19, 2013 Author Share Posted October 19, 2013 I don't know how to even have a trial separation cause he will not leave the house. If I leave I'll have two kids with me so I'll have to rent a bigger place and I doubt I could afford it. Link to post Share on other sites
Criticality Posted October 19, 2013 Share Posted October 19, 2013 I guess he doesn't have to leave the house. It's what most people do, but you could also both stay in the house while you're getting divorced. When the divorce moves forward, you can sell the house and split the profits, which could get you a new house, or you or your husband can buy each other out. I guess you both work, and the house and other property is in both of yours name? If you want to know how a possible split could work financially, go see a lawyer, and he'll be able to tell you more. The initial consultation is usually free. But I guess you have the following options. 1. Stay and work at the marriage, though you say you've tried it before, and you sound skeptical. 2. You get divorced and both move out, house gets sold. 3. You divorce your husband, but you stay in the same house as roommates of sorts. Which one sounds more appealing, if we assume that they're all equally doable? Which one do you think sounds more likely. And has your husband always been like this, or is it more recent? Was he like this when you guys married? Link to post Share on other sites
dienstag Posted October 19, 2013 Share Posted October 19, 2013 (edited) You know what? You described here my situation except for 12 years of marriage. I was also restless and had this gut feeling without any obviouse reasons that something is not right or missing in our relationship. When i would bring up divorce he would push how much the family and the children mean to him etc, also refusing to move out or sign a divorce. We lived as roommates for 5-6 years, with me being overly socially busy with small kids, working and finishing my masters. In my experience it brings you or him NOTHING. Not emotionally, not physically not somehowelse. I will miss the big event here but come straight to the point - it turns out all these years he has been simply cheating around, not like having a relationship but you know money for sex etc. As he explained to me later he was also missing something but did not want to take this big step of divorce due to children, financial reasons and generally denial of any changes. A friend of mine advised me as a joke - dig deeper, we all have skeletons somewhere deep in there and i did. After so many years you think you know your husband well enough, you have children together etc but i found out one thing for sure- you can not know anybody that well, dig deeper and see for yourself. End of story Edited October 19, 2013 by dienstag 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dienstag Posted October 19, 2013 Share Posted October 19, 2013 Re:not getting younger comment. My advice - do not wait anymore. Act. Do something. Get to the bottom of it. Councelling, therapy, talking, fighting, separation, divorce etc. but do not just wait - it will not get better by itself. Dont waste your life. This is the only thing i really regret Link to post Share on other sites
LuvsTrucks2 Posted October 19, 2013 Share Posted October 19, 2013 IMO when you get to the point where you "can't live like this anymore," that's time to make a move. Link to post Share on other sites
Grumpybutfun Posted October 19, 2013 Share Posted October 19, 2013 Cyndyyr: Have you considered that this is your one life? This is all you get. If you aren't happy and you feel you are wasting this life, then do something about it. Make a list of options, of things you can do, of what you want, of what is lacking, own your own problems and issues, and make a decision about a future you can live with. He may not want to move on because of the kids or he is afraid of the unknown. You have to do what is best for you...ideal situation is to go to MC and see if you can salvage this, but if not, if he isn't game, don't waste your one life you get whiling away the hours until you are more unhappy and resentful. Just think of what it will be like when your kids are in college or moving on with their lives and you two are sitting in that house separately. Sympathy, Grumps Link to post Share on other sites
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