How long do you stay in counseling until you realize it's just not working?

[lkey]

My husband had two emotional affairs and we have been to 4 counselors, the 3rd one dumped us because my husband wouldn't do anything that she advised although he always agreed in counseling. I'm starting to think enough is enough, is marriage really supposed to be like this?

[carhill]

Make an appointment with a mediator and explore 'irreconcilable differences'.

[lkey]

Thank you carhill, what does a mediator do in these situations?

[carhill]

A mediator tests the waters for an amicable divorce settlement. If the counseling has been successful in resolving communication issues or augmenting communication, such counseling can benefit the D process, with mediation, at far lower cost (emotional and monetary) than contested divorce, assisting both parties in moving on.

 

Depending on jurisdiction, a divorce can take quite some time and it doesn't proceed unless at least one party wants it to.

 

If you're H is having EA's and isn't addressing the M in MC (presuming MC here), then, as our psychologist opined "you have a decision to make". fMM here, so you're getting pretty much one iteration of your H's perspective, with the benefit of effective MC.

[lkey]

Thank you Carhill, that is what I am feeling also. And it is good to hear it from a male perspective, I know I'm not crazy. If someone is showing you that they are not focused on you then you do have a decision to make. We don't have a lot of money so the mediator route sounds good.

[carhill]

IME, the work in MC was tasked into two distinct areas; boiling down the M to specific issues, and teaching us tools to better communicate with each other on those issues. My work on my EA was a side-effort in that process and probably added a couple of months to the 14 we spent in MC. The results were, IMO, positive. I wound down the EA, could see clearly the path and could manage my emotions and thoughts more clearly, as I was doing EOL caregiving at that time as well.

 

Tip: Try two things. Check with your local court's family law division to see if they have a self-help desk. If they do, ask about any programs for fee waivers/help as well as mediation.

 

In our case, self-help did a great job and recommended a local law school for mediation. We had settled out most everything before filing so they dotted the i's and crossed the t's and all I did was have my lawyer review it, at a small cost. Mediation? Free! Our mediator was a 3L whose dad owned his own law firm and the young man was going to specialize in mediation upon graduation. Great kid! I wish my contractors were as punctual and prepared!

 

Anyway, I sound like a divorce broken record but enough is enough. It appears one or both of you have checked out of this M and sometimes that's irrecoverable. My sympathies!