confused-hesitant Posted February 10, 2014 Share Posted February 10, 2014 I asked my STBXH to leave and on the 26th of Jan he moved out to his dads. I had to agree to a controlled separation, contract and everything, to get him to leave. The first month is NC unless necessary. I can't seem to get him to understand that. He says he's changing, says he's found religion, god is good, he prays every day, he's trying to be a nice person. I feel, even with him living at his dads, that I am still being smothered. In a perfect world we would be friends. I can't seem to get him to quit "trying to be nice". I am a VERY independent person, I fix things myself, drive myself everywhere, have practically raised our daughter by myself, his selfishness over the years saw to that. NOW he wants to be nice, helpful, etc, and I don't want it, I just want this to be over and done. He even went so far as to guide me out of my spot in the parking lot when I picked up our daughter. As if I needed help. Keeps offering to go grocery shopping, offering to pay bills that I always pay, offering help where its not needed. I know some people would say LET him pay those bills. But, if I let him then he thinks I need him... HOW do I tell him to leave me the F alone??? Without being a b--ch? Or am I just going to have to get a little mean? I'm trying to be nice here, trying to, but I don't think its working. He won't follow the contract, and HE was the one that is obsessed about the darn contract. Ugg, I just want OUT. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted February 10, 2014 Share Posted February 10, 2014 Listen very carefully: You may not like this, but he doesn't break NC. You do. Each and every time you acknowledge his approach, respond, reply or react - you 'let him in'. There's a wonderful scene in the movie 'A Beautiful Mind'. The main protagonist played by Russell Crowe, 'sees' people. He has friends who talk to him all the time, and they occupy his every waking moment. His poor wife is being run absolutely ragged and to her limit, by his constant referral to 'these people'. He finally realises thy're all in his head, when he sees that the little girl he's been talking to for years - hasn't aged.. From that moment on, he continues to 'see' them. But he refuses to acknowledge their presence, listen to them, or respond in any way shape or form. Gradually, they simply become mere 'bystanders'. And no matter what their level of persistence or insistence, Russell Crowe's character solidly ignores them. That's what you have to do to your H. Exactly that. He can keep insisting and persisting - but the only way he can get through to you, is if you allow him access. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
lockedoutluv Posted February 10, 2014 Share Posted February 10, 2014 ^^^^ TaraMaiden is the expert on NC. Not much more to say than what she has already said. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused-hesitant Posted February 11, 2014 Author Share Posted February 11, 2014 Your right, and I'm letting him aggravate me by responding to him. I sent him a text yesterday and said - I appreciate that your willing to help. Please stop asking me if I need your help. If I need help I will ask. I don't need money, I don't need your help cleaning a mess up and I certainly don't need your help backing out of a parking spot. I know your trying to be nice, I get it. He responded with "I understand" and I haven't heard from him since. I will no longer respond to any text unless its about the agreed upon conversations - only daughter or finances, or something necessary. No more allowing him to talk about himself, I'll cut him off. This is what I did to him Sun when picking up our daughter. I could tell he wanted to talk but I just thanked him for dropping her off, got it the car and started it up. Then pulled out and he got behind my car to "guide" me out of my spot gggrrrrr Yes, I let it bother me, and it STILL bothers me, so I've got to work on just letting things go. Lots of things he does bother me, and that is my problem... I lost the good feelings for him a long time ago. I think it bugs me more because I WANTED him to care for so long, and now, after we're over, he wants to care TOO much and becomes obsessed over those stupid little details that I wanted him to care about, and I think, the way his mind works, he is obsessing over the little details he can do (which is why he keeps offering to help with things). I am NOT looking forward to month 2, where we agreed to go out on 2 dates. I really just don't want to be around him. I KNOW he's going to try to talk about things we agreed NOT to talk about. This controlled separation was the only way I could get him to agree to move out. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted February 11, 2014 Share Posted February 11, 2014 (edited) Who controls you? You do. Who's in charge of your emotions? You are. Who decides how you act, react and respond? you do. If you feel uncomfortable or unwilling to go on these 2 dates - then don't go. It's perfectly legitimate to change your mind. don't be manipulated by pity, sympathy or a 'moral obligation' to do things he wants, or reciprocate. If your heart's not in it, then don't do it. far better to be honest, upfront and frank, than go through a charade and pretense, simply because it's a bargaining chip. In matters of having to be practical and deal with practical matters - use your head, not your heart, with which to make decisions. Edited February 11, 2014 by TaraMaiden Link to post Share on other sites
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