Wanted separation 2 weeks ago and already has a new woman

[Rylie]

After 6 years together (married for 1 year) my husband wants to separate - he doesn't know if he wants to divorce. Two and a half weeks ago he walked out and hasn't come home since. He said he needed space, which furthered to complete separation.

 

We've had so many problems but we've always gotten past them. And now... it's all over. It isn't like our relationship was bad and this was expected. It was out of the blue and that makes it hurt so much more. He means the world to me and I can't imagine life with out him. I'm having a very hard time. I switched to a different therapist because we used the same one and I wasn't comfortable anymore. But having to start over with this new person is hard as well and reminds me of how everything is changing.

 

I'm upset all the time. I can't think straight and just keep going over and over everything leading up to him leaving. Wondering what I could have done different, or what I should have done.

 

It has only been 2 weeks, and he is already with another woman. I don't know how serious it is but I've seen pictures online. A friend told me her name and I looked her up and she's posting picture after picture after picture of them together, some provocative.

 

To me that's still my husband and the man that I am in love with. But now he's experiencing another woman because I wasn't good enough for him. Which I shouldn't be surprised by but after all we went through, all I dealt with for him, I didn't think it would come to this.

 

My family knows now and all I get is "I told you so" remarks and they are happy, they never liked him. My husband won't talk to me and won't go to therapy sessions with me. I don't know what I'm supposed to do to bring him back home and to remember what we had.

[CarrieT]

98% probability the new chick was already in the picture and the "separation" was an excuse to try her out.

 

I'm sorry, but you are being played....

[ChickiePops]

Rylie, your relationship was based on mutual PTSD. He has moved on and you're not ready to (this is NOT a criticism at all, please don't take it that way..you are an incredibly strong woman and you deserve happiness).

 

Please focus on yourself and not on him. Get yourself well.

[Lowrider93]

Hi Rylie, how can someone who wants space be hooked up with someone else so quickly, Carrie t nailed it, OW has been in the picture alot longer than you know.

Don't expect any honesty from your husband from here on out, he'll be in cover up mode.

 

Can you give details as to why your family had their doubts?

 

The sooner you can recover emotionally from being betrayed the better off you will be to handle your situation. If you have friends or family near you lean on them for support, if not get out and meet new friends or find a support group.

 

Love that is not returned is wasted.

[basil67]

I'm so sorry Rylie.

 

Chickie Pops is right. The two of you worked because you both understood each other's PTSD. However, when two broken people get together, it makes sense that as they heal, they become different people and want different things in life.

 

For what it's worth, when the new woman sees your boyfriend's violent PTSD reactions when something triggers him, she will likely throw him out. And he may well want to come back. You need to think about whether or not you would want him back....especially given that sex is now very much something he wants in a relationship.

[Gr8fuln2020]

After 6 years together (married for 1 year) my husband wants to separate - he doesn't know if he wants to divorce.

 

First of all, I feel for you. You two have been together for a while holding each other afloat. I don't know about the PTSD that some others have mentioned, but it sounds like a very large part of your relationship revolved around this issue.

 

I suspect that he doesn't want a divorce b/c he wants someone to come home to if things don't work out with the other woman.

 

It was out of the blue and that makes it hurt so much more.

 

So, you two have had many problems in your relationship of 6 years, right? Was it out of the blue?

 

I'm upset all the time. I can't think straight and just keep going over and over everything leading up to him leaving. Wondering what I could have done different, or what I should have done.

 

Try not to over-think the "What I should have done" thing. That's the past and best to leave it there.

 

It has only been 2 weeks, and he is already with another woman. I don't know how serious it is but I've seen pictures online. A friend told me her name and I looked her up and she's posting picture after picture after picture of them together, some provocative.

 

I'm with others. This woman has been in the picture longer than you think.

 

I don't know what I'm supposed to do to bring him back home and to remember what we had.

 

You said earlier that you both had many problems in the relationship. Do you think he wants to come back to that? You don't seem surprised and yet you say that this is sudden. One of the things I find interesting about human nature is our ability to block out the bad and focus only on the good. This is especially interesting in relationships and often lead to a perspective of the world that never existed and to the detriment of both parties as a whole.

 

Get perspective. Be real about how and what you're responsible for. You didn't walk out, he did. Stop blaming yourself for his actions and get the help YOU need. Find support within your family (if you can tolerate that) and friends.

[ChickiePops]

To those of you who are giving advice without having read Rylie's other threads, I would recommend checking them out before you post. It's really a very sad story.

 

I doubt the OW has been in the picture for very long honestly, if only because of her husbands past. I think Rylie and her husband have been extremely codependent on each other because of their mutual disorder (which stems from two very different events), but now that her husband has taken some steps forward that Rylie is not ready to take (not that she should rush herself in any way), he is, for lack of a better word, bored. The spell that the codependency had on him is broken, but it hasn't broken for Rylie yet so she's left feeling vulnerable and miserable.

 

Rylie I wish I could just give you a big hug right now. You don't deserve this and I'm so, so sorry you're experiencing it.

[Rylie]

98% probability the new chick was already in the picture and the "separation" was an excuse to try her out.

 

I'm sorry, but you are being played....

 

I think he might work with her. If he does then something could have been going on for a long time. This morning she posted a picture of them in bed together. She was - or made it look like - she was naked with the sheet over her. It was captioned "I love waking up to this sexy man". I can't stop stalking her page. There was another one of them that she captioned "a man as sexy as this deserves a REAL woman", which I took offense to.

 

Don't expect any honesty from your husband from here on out, he'll be in cover up mode.

 

Can you give details as to why your family had their doubts?

 

I don't even know if I should tell him that I know or confront him about it. I don't know where he is and he won't take my calls, so I can't really talk to him other than sending a text.

 

My parents thought he was abusive because his PTSD caused him to lash out physically in certain situations. He would essentially black out and have a flashback and could get physical. They also thought the marriage was a sham because we didn't do normal relationship things for a long time. We both have PTSD, it affected everything. We chose not to have kids, we didn't have sex until very recently, we didn't share a bed for a long time, etc. So in my parents mind, it wasn't a real marriage.

 

I'm so sorry Rylie.

 

Chickie Pops is right. The two of you worked because you both understood each other's PTSD. However, when two broken people get together, it makes sense that as they heal, they become different people and want different things in life.

 

For what it's worth, when the new woman sees your boyfriend's violent PTSD reactions when something triggers him, she will likely throw him out. And he may well want to come back. You need to think about whether or not you would want him back....especially given that sex is now very much something he wants in a relationship.

 

I've always just wanted him. I guess he didn't feel the same way... He wants things that I cannot give him soon enough or well enough. I feel like he gave up too fast.

 

Right now, in this moment, I just want him back. Seeing him with another woman and being able to make a good assumption that they are having sex makes it hard. I don't know if I could ever get over it or trust him again. It's like the man I fell in love with and married is a stranger now. I don't know if we could ever be compatible again. We probably never were.

 

It honestly scares me that I know all of his triggers, but other people don't. Unless this woman has been around a long time, I don't think she would know. So it's like a ticking time bomb. I don't want him to get in trouble or hurt someone.

 

So, you two have had many problems in your relationship of 6 years, right? Was it out of the blue?

 

You said earlier that you both had many problems in the relationship. Do you think he wants to come back to that? You don't seem surprised and yet you say that this is sudden. One of the things I find interesting about human nature is our ability to block out the bad and focus only on the good. This is especially interesting in relationships and often lead to a perspective of the world that never existed and to the detriment of both parties as a whole.

 

We've always had problems, but we've always gotten past them. We both have PTSD (mine rape, his war vet) and that caused problems as we learned to deal with it. But my husband leaving was totally out of the blue. He didn't mention it at all, just packed some stuff and left. He said he'd be back in a day or two but didn't come back. We were having issues with sex, we had just started having sex and it wasn't going as well as he wanted.

 

Honestly, probably no I doubt he wants to go back to a tough relationship when he can have an easier one with someone else. A relationship with two people who have issues is a lot harder than one person who has issues, I'd think.

 

I've heard from so many people that we won't work and someone will leave that it was always in the back of my mind. I always worried about it but after 6 years stopped thinking it so much.

[CarrieT]

This morning she posted a picture of them in bed together. She was - or made it look like - she was naked with the sheet over her. It was captioned "I love waking up to this sexy man". I can't stop stalking her page.

 

For your own sanity, it is imperative that you block her immediately and get these images out of your head.

 

Seriously, Rylie; you know your PTSD therapy has trained you how to help you move on from traumatic events and images. Why are you purposefully subjecting yourself to that which you know is going to cause you more pain?

[Rylie]

For your own sanity, it is imperative that you block her immediately and get these images out of your head.

 

Seriously, Rylie; you know your PTSD therapy has trained you how to help you move on from traumatic events and images. Why are you purposefully subjecting yourself to that which you know is going to cause you more pain?

 

I know, I need to stop looking. I can't believe that it's really happening. It's like I'm purposely trying to make myself feel like utter crap. Seeing those pictures reminds me that it really is happening and he's probably not coming back. I try to block it out so much that I pretend it's not happening. I need to stop looking though. I know how to block the images from my head but I still keep obsessing over it.

[Miss Clavel]

After 6 years together (married for 1 year) my husband wants to separate - he doesn't know if he wants to divorce. Two and a half weeks ago he walked out and hasn't come home since. He said he needed space, which furthered to complete separation.

 

We've had so many problems but we've always gotten past them. And now... it's all over. It isn't like our relationship was bad and this was expected. It was out of the blue and that makes it hurt so much more. He means the world to me and I can't imagine life with out him. I'm having a very hard time. I switched to a different therapist because we used the same one and I wasn't comfortable anymore. But having to start over with this new person is hard as well and reminds me of how everything is changing.

 

I'm upset all the time. I can't think straight and just keep going over and over everything leading up to him leaving. Wondering what I could have done different, or what I should have done.

 

It has only been 2 weeks, and he is already with another woman. I don't know how serious it is but I've seen pictures online. A friend told me her name and I looked her up and she's posting picture after picture after picture of them together, some provocative.

 

To me that's still my husband and the man that I am in love with. But now he's experiencing another woman because I wasn't good enough for him. Which I shouldn't be surprised by but after all we went through, all I dealt with for him, I didn't think it would come to this.

 

My family knows now and all I get is "I told you so" remarks and they are happy, they never liked him. My husband won't talk to me and won't go to therapy sessions with me. I don't know what I'm supposed to do to bring him back home and to remember what we had.

 

 

i don't think it's possible to make or cause anyone to love us. if they love us we can make cause them to continue. he's gotta feel it and he doesn't. not with you.

 

that could change.

 

 

you should not have to change, you have equal value to any women walking the earth. this is not about you. it's about some strange. and the strange wants him. she wants you to see her triumph, so you'll give up.

 

which means, it ain't over yet. give him time. give him a divorce.

 

wait and see costs nothing.

 

 

good luck.

[dpass]

I don't even know if I should tell him that I know or confront him about it. I don't know where he is and he won't take my calls, so I can't really talk to him other than sending a text.

 

No, leave him alone. He specifically asked for space so give him space. You stalking his new ladies facebook doesn't make you look good. Stop trying to contact him. If he asks for a divorce, give it to him. Begging him not to or to come back will just make him resent you and you wonder if he really wants to be with you.

 

It sucks, and I'm sorry. He has moved on and you haven't, you were warned that would happen. My best bet is that he has moved on and realized that you are not what he wants anymore. Nothing can change that.

[LancasterAmos1966]

 

But now he's experiencing another woman because I wasn't good enough for him.

 

 

 

No one can leave someone they truly love. So they'll even make stuff up. They'll start arguments, they'll say you aren't good enough, etc.

 

So, at some point, he stopped loving you. My wife left after about 20 years of marriage; she simply stopped loving me.

 

In order for me to move forward, I needed to realize that she wanted OUT. It really had nothing to do with me. Of course, at first I thought it was me. Maybe my weight, my receding hair line, etc. Nah, she just wanted out and once I realized that, my recovery began.

 

If you like to read, I'd suggest a cheap book from Amazon called Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships.

 

It will NOT tell you how to get your husband back!! It simply shows how there is usually one partner that wants out, while the other wants to hold on.

 

The "initiator" will eventually do something extreme to force the other partner to give up. They are hoping it shocks the other partner so much, they will file divorce, cut off contact, etc. That's exactly what they want!! They want out, but people like you and me, we are the partner that wants to hold on. We want to talk it out. We want to fix whatever is broken.

 

Nah, my wife wanted out; no talking, no fixing, no more marriage with me.

 

Rejection hurts, so it took me awhile to get over that.

 

But again, realizing how bad your husband wants out, hopefully will help you let him go. Being grateful for the years you did share should help you let go and move into a new chapter of life.

 

I needed to take down her pictures, stop contacting her and begin a new chapter of my life. Life is not over after separation or divorce; it will take a lot of time to readjust without your husband, but really, there were many before us that recovered, and so can you.

Edited August 16, 2016 by LancasterAmos1966

[loveboid]

I would just be happy for him if you still love him.

[Rylie]

I would just be happy for him if you still love him.

 

I'm supposed to be happy that my husband left me for another woman? That my husband is living with another woman? That he gave up after 6 years, right after I finally had sex with him?

[DrReplyInRhymes]

I'm supposed to be happy that my husband left me for another woman? That my husband is living with another woman? That he gave up after 6 years, right after I finally had sex with him?

 

If I were in your shoes, I'd be pretty torn up too,

But it's pretty clear who his choice is with, and it's not you.

Your story is quite crazily sad, and tragic almost in a way,

I was rooting for you two to work it out and to stay.

 

But after reading this last bit, this dude put the nail in the coffin with his move,

Not defending you in front of his mistress, letting her talk **** and get into a groove?

Mourn the loss of a connection, but take pride in the amazing progress you've already made,

For compared to most stories, I feel for price of love, this is one of the heaviest prices I've seen paid.