16 Months of Hell

[LostHubby2015]

Hi. This is my first post. First and foremost i understand that nobody can tell me what's best for me in this situation, but i'd like to get it out there and at a very high level get opinions from people, if possible. I'll do my best to make this unbiased.

 

My wife and i have been married for almost 16 months now and it's been a wreck. I feel we had a rough spell leading up to our marriage. Mainly because my family is "the family from hell" in her mind. They're all "a**holes and pieces of sh*t". We've been together for nearly 6 years. At first like any other relationship of course it was fun. We were younger and partying all the time. As time progressed for me anyway things got more serious and i'm trying to focus on advancing my career right now as I'd like to be able to provide the best life possible. Well since we live in a small town that neither of us is from and we're 2 1/2 hours away from either of our family or friends it's been rough. I am used to this as it's been the norm for me since i've graduated h/s and went to college. However, my wife has never really left home and i know it was hard on her. I know for a fact i was not as supportive of her as i should have been. She's the type of person who is nice to everyone all of the time, but i'm worried she thinks that that's how the world is and that may be part of why she struggled.

 

So moving away from her family and friends to where she knew nobody she had a hard turn toward drinking, which alcoholism runs in her family. However, even before that there would be times we'd be out on a date night at a restaurant and i'd order a soda and she'd order a drink. She would get mad at me that i wasn't drinking with her. Or even if we were chatting at home i'd have a soda while she drank a glass of wine. Now to be fair, i would drink a beer now and again. It was very common for me to have a beer or two after i finished mowing the lawn or certain other instances. I'd almost always have a few beers while playing softball or at bowling, but normally i just don't drink much. I feel like I was the only person on the planet who was being yelled at by his fiance/wife for NOT drinking enough.

 

My family being the stressor i have to agree with in parts. a few of my siblings got along with her great at first and somewhere along the lines it was almost like they didn't care for my wife anymore. Which initially i would defend my sibling in saying "that's just how they are, don't worry about it" as i didn't read into it nor think much of it. In retrospect there was some disrespect taking place and i should have said something and defend my wife and i didn't. However, at the same time i feel like she read into things a bit too much. Additonally, my family did do a few ****ty things on our wedding day. i didn't witness them, but my wife and my mother-in-law telling similar stories i'm inclined to believe them. But even 13 months later my wife was still digging up the past. She would do this every time she was drunk, which suffering from alcoholism was pretty frequent. However, about 2 months ago things were bad and i was at my wits end as my wife never did anything to help herself and it was getting worse, in my opinion. As an example the day i received a phone call at work from her while she was extremely drunk and said i needed to either come home or call 9-1-1. I went home and after a trip to the ER i pieced together that she had fallen down the steps. This wasn't the first time something like this happened.

 

To summarize the point of this book, at one point she said she'd go to rehab as i was gone to my parents because i was done and told her i wanted a divorce (for like the 7th time) and this time i wasn't changing my mind because she hadn't changed anything about her other than "play nice" for a few days. She started screaming at one point that she was going to "hurt" herself, which she had also done in the past more than once. So i called the police, again. And in that time she got very angry. In the state we live if an officer sees physical attack marks of any kind there is not a choice of pressing charges. The state plainly presses charges, since spouses seldom press charges against one another. So she and I haven't been able to talk since due legal reasons, but circling back my wife got arrested. During this I was speaking with a domestic abuse counselor and i told him about all that had happened during the year: She bit me, she threatened suicide more than once, she kicked me in the nuts, she slapped me several times, she clawed my chest to the point it was bleeding, on two different occasions i had to literally run out of the house and lock myself in my car to get away from her, she clawed my arm until it bled and literally punched me twice. The counselor's advice was "what do you think her family would be telling her if you had done that to her?" To which i find myself saying "yeah, but she was drunk. That's not who she is", but at the same time what if the tables were turned.

 

I love my wife, i really do. But i feel as though my heart is telling me to stay, but my gut is telling me to leave. I just don't know what to do. I almost feel like it may be best for us both. That way she can move back home, which for the record we had discussed moving back to her hometown area and i told her i'm ok with it and had even applied to a few jobs. Only later she would tell me "i'm happy." or "i like it here" or something of that nature implying she didn't want to move back home. I almost wonder though if she was only saying that because i liked my job because i know she was unhappy with hers. Some of her friends that still talk to me say "she's a brat" and question if she's having a hard time growing into adulthood (we're both in our 30's). Her own family has said to me "nobody would blame you if you filed for divorce", but i feel like that's almost like them hinting for me to do it. Like they don't want me around. Which sucks cuz her family is really wonderful.

 

I dunno. Thought's/opinions?

[Mr. Lucky]

I dunno. Thought's/opinions?

 

I'll tell you up front, not going to offer much hope.

 

Having been through addiction with one of my kids and worked with an alcoholic business partner for years, the plain truth is you can't save someone else from themselves. Each addict and alcoholic have to find their own bottom before they wake up and, as a loved one, you're not only witness but collateral damage.

 

This has nothing to do with brattiness or immaturity, you're married to a substance abuser. And until she decides to commit herself to recovery, nothing will change - in fact, it will probably get worse.

 

Were it me, I'd at least file. Like many alcoholics, your wife is hell-bent on ruining her life, not sure what you accomplish by letting her destroy yours also. If she commits successfully to recovery, you can always reconnect.

 

Think seriously about saving yourself. It's not disloyal to refuse to be jointly self-destructive...

 

Mr. Lucky

[LostHubby2015]

Mr. Lucky,

 

I agree and the thing is, she has submitted herself into a rehab program and completed the entire thing, from what my in-laws tell me. However, some of my friends who are intimatley familiar with everything feel as though she did it because "she had no choice". Where she had fallen on a different occasion and saw how fed up i was becoming so she called and spoke with other memebers of her family who at one point had also struggled with addiction. And so many times before have i thought she turned a corner and "woken up" and so many times before she and i both thought she had hit bottom (including not 1, but 2 stays in the behavioral health unit and different hospitals).

 

She just has so much anger that in typing this i wonder if it's resentment that has manifested because she didn't "get her way". By that i mean her family is one to sit and talk about their feelings so people understand why they got upset and so forth. My family is one that takes the approach "ok, your pissed. we pissed you off. no lets move on" and doesn't really talk about anything. but it's bad even to the point where she once brought up a trip we were invited on (with my family) and how that played out. Of course it was a big song and dance, but it was 4 years ago and she brought up a few months ago. It's like everyone has forgotten about it, but she won't let it go. The therapist i'm currently seeing believes its because she doesn't feel as though she's been heard. And i don't know what else to do to make her feel that way. Short of having an actual sit down like she wants, believe me, people in my family and hers knows how she feels about the situation.

 

I'm just really at a loss of what i can do. I worry my friends are right and this is just an act because she realizes how serious i am and is trying to hang on and knows this is the only way she can do it. But then what happens when "it works" and i'm still here. Not to say that i wont' be there "for her" because i always will. Like i said my heart is telling me to stay, but my gut is saying leave.

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

This is physical abuse. That's why she was arrested. If your sister or

Mother came to you with the same story - what would you advise them?

[ExpatInItaly]

Close this chapter of your life and start fresh.

 

I see no good reason to remain married to her. Sorry.

[BuddyX]

You're one more drunken stupor from the knives coming out. Don't believe me? Have the fights become mellowed throughout the marriage? Has the biting and scratching turn into cozy pillow fights? Don't think so.

 

You're wife feels entitled. She will act out till she gets her way. Would you tolerate this kind of behavior from your daughter?

[Mr. Lucky]

She just has so much anger that in typing this i wonder if it's resentment that has manifested because she didn't "get her way".

 

Balderdash. The biological and emotional roots of her addiction go back much further than the start of your relationship. Alcoholics are masters of blame-shifting and manipulation and you feel the heat only because you're within the blast zone. You didn't create, you can't control, you won't cure.

 

Again, you should give serious thought to saving yourself. There are hundreds of heartbreak and heart-rendering stories for every single happy ending. Odds are not in your favor...

 

Mr. Lucky

[S2B]

You can't fix her.

 

Save yourself from this toxic union and end it.

 

Be free - free to be happy and have the ability to eliminate drama from your daily life.

 

After filing - let your attorney communicate for you - no need to feed the drama queen... she will only attempt to make you feel worse so she can feel better. Love doesn't look like that.

[SoleMate]

.....i told him about all [the domestic abuse] had happened during the year:

*She bit me

*she threatened suicide more than once

*she kicked me in the nuts

*she slapped me several times

*she clawed my chest to the point it was bleeding

*on two different occasions i had to literally run out of the house and lock myself in my car to get away from her

*she clawed my arm until it bled and

*literally punched me twice.

 

....i find myself saying "yeah, but she was drunk. That's not who she is".....

 

Actually it is exactly who she is.....a severe alcoholic who uses alcohol to provide an "excuse" for extreme violence and often gets intoxicated to the point of falling down and/or needing to go to the ER.

 

For your own physical safety and peace of mind, I recommend immediately separating from her and filing for divorce. If there is any chance she could escalate violence, speak to police or a domestic violence center and get help. Good luck!

 

 

Keep in mind you titled your thread "16 months of hell". I

[AMarriedMan]

It is impossible to create a happy functional family with this woman. She would likely be a danger to her children during and after pregnancy because of her drinking problem. Your wife is a violent and unstable substance abuser with a history of the police being called on her for good reasons. Banish all thoughts of having children with her if you have any. If she were raising any children alone, sooner or later, she would almost certainly lose them to the child protective system and rightly so. If you were raising children together, you couldn't leave them alone with her for day.

 

You can't fix her. She has to do it herself. It will be painful but all your marriage has not lasted very long, yet, and you don't have children together, so divorcing her will be much easier than otherwise. This is something you must do if you wan't to raise a family of your own. You also must think hard why you ended up in a serious relationship with a woman like her in the first place. You don't want to repeat that mistake.

[LostHubby2015]

I get what everyone is saying. Maybe i'm just not ready to "hear" it yet. Although the one comment above regarding if she's gotten the knives yet i do understand. As it has dawned on me how things are escalating. At the same time though there are a number of other things i feel i'm leaving out that aren't telling the entire story. I'm not defending her drinking or anything like that because it was her choice to do that. Between the booze and her Rx anxiety meds i once told her i was worried because she was taking the meds so much she was numbing herself in dealing with reality.

 

I know some of you will chaulk this up to being manipulated, but i can't help but think back how things used to be with her and i and how much i have screwed up and how i have been my fair share of a total a**hole. Believe me when i say i'm no knight in shining armor and people know me understand i have a really bad temper and as a result of that i've been verbally abusive to her in our arguments over things that in retrospect weren't worth fighting about in the first place. I should know better at my age, but i tend to be a name caller. Which she pointed out to me and i don't intend to, and in my mind at times i was doing nothing more than pointing out the obvious, but she viewed it as laying down a guilt trip. This just sucks even to go through this, but again i almost feel like it's like so many other things. By that i mean it's always the 2nd person who gets caught.

[BuddyX]

So what you're saying is; my case is different. Hmmm

 

The fact that everyone is giving you the same advice should be a blueprint to your future. You know how people say "if I only knew"? You do know what's going to happen. You just refuse to listen.

 

But whatever you do, do not bring a kid into this world.

[LostHubby2015]

I wouldn't go so far as to say i refuse to listen. it's just hard, as i'm sure many people know. And i'm aware i'm the situation where it's the proverbial there isn't one car going the wrong way on the highway, there's hundreds. Me being the one driving against traffic. I guess just as i stated in my initial post above i'm trying to be unbiased to get a fair opinion from everyone. So i don't want to leave important details out.

 

I've spoken with certain members of my own family about all of this and to your point about not having any kids, sadly that is something i feel and have said to certain family members. Which is as things are there's no way i want to have kids because i already have a 30 something child who can hardly take care of herself right now, at least that's how i felt most days while she and i were still living together.

 

To a point to what you're saying, BuddyX, i almost feel like it's home remodeling all over again. Where everyone is telling me one thing, but i'm being hard-headed and insisting on what was already in my head.

 

For what it's worth i had contacted a divorce attorney a while ago and sent in the retainer. I guess i keep thinking maybe i'm over reacting, but when i think about what the domestic abuse counselor said "what would happen if you did this to her?" it makes me think as loving as her family is they'd want me locked up throw away the key.

[aliveagain]

You can't force her to change and you can't negotiate with an addict. When you read on here long enough you will learn that alcoholism and infidelity are commonly found together. That's your future and often it happens with another addict while they are going through the program. If she doesn't want to help herself the odds of your relationship getting better are low to nothing. There are no children involved, you've only been married 16 months, you can probably have the marriage annulled which will be much cheaper then a divorce. This sh*t show ends when you say it does or get used to hiding your knives, scissors and other sharps, never bring home a firearm. Your relationship is a train wreck waiting to happen. Talk to that lawyer you gave a retainer to.

 

PS, I too had to lock myself in my car and call the RCMP for help on my now ex. You can't deal with crazy, you need to be able to sleep at night, run.

[S2B]

The futur is predicted by the past. You want MORE of the same crap? Then stay!

 

You want something different? Then divorce her and stay away from her, you two are toxic together.

 

Change only happens when you take steps to change things.

 

See that attorney - get the papers filed.

[RecentChange]

There are plenty of people with drinking problems that do not turn violent.

 

If she were a man beating on his wife there would be no room for discussion here.

 

Okay and you verbally abused her. So you two have a horribly unhealthy dynamic. She is a black out drunk, suicidal, violent and absusive. And you are verbally abusive fueling the fire.

 

16 months of hell.... You know that marriages do not have to be anything like this right? That your spouse can be your rock, your place of comfort, the one person you can always turn to - even in the bad times. That you can be happy to go home every day, exited to see your loved one - not full of anxiety wondering what kind of stupor she is on today. What's going to set off the rage....

 

You're still young. You still have your life ahead of you. Don't continue down this path.

[AnneP]

You have so many different things going on. She is an alcoholic who is physically abusive. You have poor boundaries with your own family and have allowed them to be disrespectful to your wife, which is emotional abuse.

 

She's been arrested. You're telling your family and friends all about your issues - even before she became a drunk. Why aren't you discussing your issues with her? Why aren't you in counseling?

 

I have been on the receiving end of issues with my H's mother and the fact that my H didn't man up and do the right thing 15 years ago and allowed his M to say and do things that weren't acceptable is still an issue in our marriage. Of course she did this for many years and he allowed it.

 

Minimally you need to physically separate from her now. I also suggest reading the book "Boundaries." You have poor boundaries when it comes to your marriage as does your wife. You also have poor boundaries with your FOO (family of origin)

 

Hi. This is my first post. First and foremost i understand that nobody can tell me what's best for me in this situation, but i'd like to get it out there and at a very high level get opinions from people, if possible. I'll do my best to make this unbiased.

 

My wife and i have been married for almost 16 months now and it's been a wreck. I feel we had a rough spell leading up to our marriage. Mainly because my family is "the family from hell" in her mind. They're all "a**holes and pieces of sh*t". We've been together for nearly 6 years. At first like any other relationship of course it was fun. We were younger and partying all the time. As time progressed for me anyway things got more serious and i'm trying to focus on advancing my career right now as I'd like to be able to provide the best life possible. Well since we live in a small town that neither of us is from and we're 2 1/2 hours away from either of our family or friends it's been rough. I am used to this as it's been the norm for me since i've graduated h/s and went to college. However, my wife has never really left home and i know it was hard on her. I know for a fact i was not as supportive of her as i should have been. She's the type of person who is nice to everyone all of the time, but i'm worried she thinks that that's how the world is and that may be part of why she struggled.

 

So moving away from her family and friends to where she knew nobody she had a hard turn toward drinking, which alcoholism runs in her family. However, even before that there would be times we'd be out on a date night at a restaurant and i'd order a soda and she'd order a drink. She would get mad at me that i wasn't drinking with her. Or even if we were chatting at home i'd have a soda while she drank a glass of wine. Now to be fair, i would drink a beer now and again. It was very common for me to have a beer or two after i finished mowing the lawn or certain other instances. I'd almost always have a few beers while playing softball or at bowling, but normally i just don't drink much. I feel like I was the only person on the planet who was being yelled at by his fiance/wife for NOT drinking enough.

 

My family being the stressor i have to agree with in parts. a few of my siblings got along with her great at first and somewhere along the lines it was almost like they didn't care for my wife anymore. Which initially i would defend my sibling in saying "that's just how they are, don't worry about it" as i didn't read into it nor think much of it. In retrospect there was some disrespect taking place and i should have said something and defend my wife and i didn't. However, at the same time i feel like she read into things a bit too much. Additonally, my family did do a few ****ty things on our wedding day. i didn't witness them, but my wife and my mother-in-law telling similar stories i'm inclined to believe them. But even 13 months later my wife was still digging up the past. She would do this every time she was drunk, which suffering from alcoholism was pretty frequent. However, about 2 months ago things were bad and i was at my wits end as my wife never did anything to help herself and it was getting worse, in my opinion. As an example the day i received a phone call at work from her while she was extremely drunk and said i needed to either come home or call 9-1-1. I went home and after a trip to the ER i pieced together that she had fallen down the steps. This wasn't the first time something like this happened.

 

To summarize the point of this book, at one point she said she'd go to rehab as i was gone to my parents because i was done and told her i wanted a divorce (for like the 7th time) and this time i wasn't changing my mind because she hadn't changed anything about her other than "play nice" for a few days. She started screaming at one point that she was going to "hurt" herself, which she had also done in the past more than once. So i called the police, again. And in that time she got very angry. In the state we live if an officer sees physical attack marks of any kind there is not a choice of pressing charges. The state plainly presses charges, since spouses seldom press charges against one another. So she and I haven't been able to talk since due legal reasons, but circling back my wife got arrested. During this I was speaking with a domestic abuse counselor and i told him about all that had happened during the year: She bit me, she threatened suicide more than once, she kicked me in the nuts, she slapped me several times, she clawed my chest to the point it was bleeding, on two different occasions i had to literally run out of the house and lock myself in my car to get away from her, she clawed my arm until it bled and literally punched me twice. The counselor's advice was "what do you think her family would be telling her if you had done that to her?" To which i find myself saying "yeah, but she was drunk. That's not who she is", but at the same time what if the tables were turned.

 

I love my wife, i really do. But i feel as though my heart is telling me to stay, but my gut is telling me to leave. I just don't know what to do. I almost feel like it may be best for us both. That way she can move back home, which for the record we had discussed moving back to her hometown area and i told her i'm ok with it and had even applied to a few jobs. Only later she would tell me "i'm happy." or "i like it here" or something of that nature implying she didn't want to move back home. I almost wonder though if she was only saying that because i liked my job because i know she was unhappy with hers. Some of her friends that still talk to me say "she's a brat" and question if she's having a hard time growing into adulthood (we're both in our 30's). Her own family has said to me "nobody would blame you if you filed for divorce", but i feel like that's almost like them hinting for me to do it. Like they don't want me around. Which sucks cuz her family is really wonderful.

 

I dunno. Thought's/opinions?

[Mr. Lucky]

See that attorney - get the papers filed.

 

I might amend this to "See that attorney now or need that attorney later".

 

I know some of you will chaulk this up to being manipulated, but i can't help but think back how things used to be with her and i and how much i have screwed up and how i have been my fair share of a total a**hole. Believe me when i say i'm no knight in shining armor and people know me understand i have a really bad temper and as a result of that i've been verbally abusive to her in our arguments over things that in retrospect weren't worth fighting about in the first place. I should know better at my age, but i tend to be a name caller. Which she pointed out to me and i don't intend to, and in my mind at times i was doing nothing more than pointing out the obvious, but she viewed it as laying down a guilt trip. This just sucks even to go through this, but again i almost feel like it's like so many other things. By that i mean it's always the 2nd person who gets caught.

 

Two very familiar words in the AA/NA community - enabler and co-dependent.

 

You have aspects of both in your history, personality and behavior, that's why this destructive dance has gone on for so long. Neither approach helps you - or your wife...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

ETA - LostHubby2015, you might read this - http://www.addictionrecoveryguide.org/message_board/index.php?act=ST&f=22&t=66980

Edited February 6, 2017 by Mr. Lucky
Added link

[BluesPower]

Listen, I lived this for 26 years. In my case it was not alcohol it was drugs, and it was hidden from me. I did not even know what was going on.

 

Things to know:

1) You cannot MAKE someone who is addicted change.

2) They have to get sober their selves, and they have to want to.

3) There is nothing you can do for her to make her better.

4) The physical abuse is out of line and it could just be a matter of time until she sneaks up on you with a bat or a butcher knife.

 

You have to divorce her. If she ever gets sober and wants to be together that is something to think about. And, you don't really know what type of person she will be when she gets sober.

 

When my wife got sober, I wasted another two years trying to get our marriage together. Eventually realized that she never really loved me at all. I was breeding stock and a paycheck.

 

You have to get out...

[LostHubby2015]

Why aren't you discussing your issues with her? Why aren't you in counseling?

 

Since she's been arrested there has been a no contact order issued between us. We legally cannot be in contact and if we do we both go to jail.

 

Also, we've been in counseling 3 different times. And each and every time i feel like it falls on me as though it's my fault. She's always blaming the fact that i'm not an emotional person. Which i'm not and i know that. But for her i try, but i'm sorry if i don't get upset when my mother-in-law's best friend from college (whom i have never heard of) get's sick. Whereas my wife was all up in arms from it. Maybe i am just an a**hole, but i don't "feel upset" when something like i just mentioned happens.

Edited February 6, 2017 by LostHubby2015

[LostHubby2015]

ETA - LostHubby2015, you might read this - Addiction Recovery Guide : Message Board -> Let Me Fall All By Myself ...

 

Thanks. Very good read and i've often had that same thought. I almost feel like i'm at a point where it is the situation "if you love someone you can let them go." And to another point mentioned earlier, i have enabled her and i know that. As hard as i try eventually i give in. I've asked her to stop drinking for one day for me and she's never been able to do it.

 

Someone also said that we're a toxic couple and i've had those same thoughts and feelings. It's almost like as much as we love each other we just aren't meant to be. AnnP was spot on with the boundary issues. That is 100% something i know i struggle with because i've always just been a "whatever" kinda person and don't care. but through this i have heard a saying that i keep telling myself. "If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything." I got pissy when i read AnneP's comment mainly because i think she was right, but at the same time i feel like my wife was taking everything personally and reading into everything.

 

Was my wife wrong to read into things? Not always. But she refused to move on and was/is holding onto things from the past that we simply can't change anymore. I've learned where i've been wrong SO MANY times and i'm working to make things better in the future. My wife though, her anger is fixed. At one point she shifted her anger from my family to some of her close friends. Where i know some of her best friends from home won't even speak to her anymore. Was i wrong? OMG, yes. But i like to think i learned from where i screwed up. I'm willing to accept things i need to work on, but i feel like it's nearly for nothing at this point.

Edited February 6, 2017 by LostHubby2015

[AnneP]

Has your family apologized to her for whatever they've done and said? People shouldn't "move on" from things until their is an apology.

 

My mother-in-law said and did a few inappropriate things on my wedding day. She never denied them either. She admitted it. Left unchecked, she got worse and worse over the years. She did things that most people have a hard time believing. It's pretty insane. She had no reason to dislike me and has admitted that. She's just a trouble maker. My point is: When you get married, it's your job to defend and protect her. It's her job to do the same for you. Obviously things are completely out of control now, but it does sound like she has reasons to feel the way she does. You betrayed her trust.

 

 

Thanks. Very good read and i've often had that same thought. I almost feel like i'm at a point where it is the situation "if you love someone you can let them go." And to another point mentioned earlier, i have enabled her and i know that. As hard as i try eventually i give in. I've asked her to stop drinking for one day for me and she's never been able to do it.

 

Someone also said that we're a toxic couple and i've had those same thoughts and feelings. It's almost like as much as we love each other we just aren't meant to be. AnnP was spot on with the boundary issues. That is 100% something i know i struggle with because i've always just been a "whatever" kinda person and don't care. but through this i have heard a saying that i keep telling myself. "If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything." I got pissy when i read AnneP's comment mainly because i think she was right, but at the same time i feel like my wife was taking everything personally and reading into everything.

 

Was my wife wrong to read into things? Not always. But she refused to move on and was/is holding onto things from the past that we simply can't change anymore. I've learned where i've been wrong SO MANY times and i'm working to make things better in the future. My wife though, her anger is fixed. At one point she shifted her anger from my family to some of her close friends. Where i know some of her best friends from home won't even speak to her anymore. Was i wrong? OMG, yes. But i like to think i learned from where i screwed up. I'm willing to accept things i need to work on, but i feel like it's nearly for nothing at this point.

[LostHubby2015]

In interest of making this easier to read you don't have to quote the entire first paragraph. As for an apology to my wife, I really don't know. Originally we wanted to talk with my parents about stuff but everything we ever said was laced with some sort of a threat (we won't come home until, we won't go on a family vacation until, we won't have kids, etc...) as a result my dad wasn't gong to "play that kind of a game". And there were times we had phone calls to clear the air but it was never good enough. In a drunken stooper my wife called my mom and started screaming at my mom. Which my mom is very quiet and won't say anything if she was on fire. My wife started blaming my parents marital problems as the source for ours. There were times the phone calls were constructive and proved to cover a lot of ground. One time even to the point where myself, my wife, and my sibling felt like there was a really good chance we were moving forward. Only the next night my wife wanted to call. A i because she "knew" my sibling was lying and was determined to catch th in a lie. That phone call undid everything.

 

As for betraying her trust I don't know what else I could do. Be mindful that as a result of all of this I stood by her side and didn't talk to my family for over a year. If I ever did it was screened by her first.

[LostHubby2015]

AnneP let me apologize if my first sentence in my above post was off-putting. I didn't intend it to be that way if it was perceived that way. I was checking on my phone last night while out and at first glance it appeared as though you had reposted the initial thread. (FYI, for what it's worth i read your story to better understand the shoes your standing in. Not all of it yet, but got your 1st post).

 

If anything you can see that I'm getting defensive even when people are offering help. I like to think it's because things i have heard before. And even more so my wife even said that she doesn't expect to ever receive an apology, but only later, while drunk, insist that one is owed to her. Where she understands, or at least should after 6 years, that my family is one to...................as i'm typing this i'm realizing the extent my family really does sweep things under the rug. I guess i've always viewed it as "it's passed, it's over, move on". And commonly nothing is ever discussed it's just ok now go play nice together and get on with your lives.

 

But circling back in the worst way i tried to say F*** them in regards to my parents and siblings and tell my wife we are a family now, but she wouldn't take to it. She would want to cut them out, but insisted they are family. So after a while, as i already said, i didn't talk to them for a little over a year. However, in this she still blamed them for everything. To which i tried to remind my wife that "they aren't even here. Why are you still focused on them?" I feel like she never really bought into us being our own family (herself, me, and our pets at the moment). But even with us not talking to them, them not talking to us, they were still "pieces of sh*t and disgusting" and the martial problems my parents have are now well known to everyone as she broadcast them in her drunken rants. She insists that it's the problems my parents have are the reason we have problems. Being mindful that my one sibling has been married for over 10 years with 3 kids and my other sibling (the devil incarnate in my wife's eyes) has been married less than a year, but to my knowledge is doing ok. I don't know for sure. Due to how things have happened regardless of my wife in the picture or not i still house resentment to this sibling as well their spouse.

 

My previous quick hotheadedness above is a problem i know, but it's a similar problem my wife has (she's a redhead and it's a stereotype for a reason). She had improved on this, but for a long time if anything happened it was "let's talk about it right now" and it was because she wanted to talk about it. It didn't matter what anyone else, including myself, wanted.

Edited February 7, 2017 by LostHubby2015