Lies after lies. He cheated with my best friend.

[Misconstrued]

Since splitting from my ex-fiance, some things have came out to light about my ex - the lies he's told.

 

On Monday morning as I got up to get prepared to go to work, I stopped by the shops (shops that I do not normally go to and a good bit of distance from my home - so I don't bump into my ex) to pick up something to eat before traveling. As I was just about to enter the shop, I saw my ex's car pull up in a parking space close-by. I didn't know what to do, so I stood behind some tall sign the shop had up which just about covered me so he couldn't see me. But it wasn't him that got out the car - it was one of my best friends - driving his car.

 

Since I saw her I've done a lot of investigating into why she was driving his car and these past couple of days I have found out the reason my ex did not want a relationship with me is because he wants a relationship with my best friend. They have been having an affair since October.

 

He doesn't know I know yet and neither does she. Although, I have not seen him at all and do not wish to, but I sure enough want to see her.

 

I have not been eating or sleeping right since finding this out. It was difficult enough to accept he was dumping me, but this has absolutely broken me. I don't know what to do about it, or if I should even do anything. I've been having dreams about them both and throwing up, unable to concentrate at work, just overall feeling incredibly crappy.

 

My heart is absolutely devastated.

[Poe77]

wow im so sorry that must be so hard would a total move to a different town or city be a possibility? chances are you are just going to keep bumping into them and that's not going to help you move on..I dont know about confrontation unless you have absolute evidence? maybe a calm letter explaining that you know now and that you want nothing to do with ether of them would work? im on the fence half of me says just walk away but I know I would prob want some sort of validation as well..what ever you choose to do just be calm and civil and best of luck..

[Mr. Lucky]

My heart is absolutely devastated.

 

Boy, I see you as incredibly fortunate. You dodged a bullet, could have been married to this cheating jerk. Count your blessings and get even by finding happiness and living well. I doubt they'll have the same fate...

 

Mr. Lucky

[LastAcorn99]

Aww, friend, I’m so sorry about this. I can understand the pain you must be feeling. Sending you hugs and prayers. Please surround yourself with loved ones who can support you during this difficult time. Grace and peace to you!

[S2B]

Don't confront - it won't get you any satisfaction when they just lie even more.

 

Start living again knowing you didn't end up with that jerk.

 

 

Are you sure? Did you find solid evidence? Luckily you didn't marry him. It took me 23 years being married to know my husband was a cheating jerk the whole time.

[Miss Clavel]

omg. i feel your pain. having been betrayed is bad enough but having your friend participate is awful.

 

hold your head up. put one foot in front of the other and hold onto your job. which you need to pay your bills. no one else is going to do it for you.

 

then. realize that they don't care. obviously. they don't care. even if you confront them with a knife sticking out of your back, they will only feel bad/guilty for three or four seconds and go right back to what they are doing. your feelings don't count and they haven't for a very long time.

 

the fact is that you have done nothing wrong. they prefer each other over you. they decided this already, some time ago.

 

all you can do is hold your head up and walk on.

 

be more careful next time. you've misjudged a man, which happens, but you also misjudged a friend. that beoth doesn't deserve you and neither one of them deserves to know you know or worse, know you care.

 

show your pride. you're better than both of them.

 

p.s. go and see the doctor

Edited February 17, 2017 by Miss Clavel

[mikeylo]

Wow ! Who needs enemies !

 

I agree, dont confront them. If they had any shame, they both wouldnt have behaved like this anyway.Save yourself from further lies.

[d0nnivain]

Double whammy. Ouch.

 

 

You poor thing. The only upside is now you know so you can get both of them out of your lives.

 

 

How close were you with this friend though. If they have been carrying on since October, how did she hide her new relationship from you? You don't have to answer that. I asked to point out that perhaps she wasn't as close of a friend so her departure from your life isn't a loss (given her lying cheating ways, it's really not)

[aileD]

If she is your best friend have you been talking to her and leaning on her through the breakup?

 

Wow, what an awful person.

 

 

Don't confront her. Ghost her. She doesn't deserve anything more

[Orlan]

You can't confront her but not him. People tend to do that all the time, blame everyone but the cheating spouse. Don't put all the blame on her. Yes, she is a major part of it but she is not the only part of it.

 

You dodged a bullet, two bullets really. You aren't going to be married to a cheater and you aren't going to have a friend who will commit that level of a betrayal.

 

Perhaps counselling is in order to find an underlying problem on the people you choose to have in your life.

[minimariah]

You can't confront her but not him.

 

she can.

 

the X is already out of her life. if she does confront him - it can only be painful for her because he will most likely be distant, cold & rude. on the other hand... the other woman in this situation is her BEST FRIEND so her responsibility is HUGE. that relationhips is still alive & the person is still in the OP's life so she needs to deal with it either way - she must confront her.

 

OP, i'm deeply sorry. usually, folks find out a lot of ugliness AFTER breaking up. i always say: prepare for the worst. when you confront the best friend - prepare for her coldness & distant behavior; people usually turn into aliens when confronted. calm down and figure out what you want her to know - then, invite her for a coffee at your place (where you feel comfortable) and let it all out.

 

good luck, take care of yourself! this too shall pass.

[Misconstrued]

Here's an update:

 

I haven't slept at all since finding all this out.

 

I've been up most nights, like now when it's 5:30 AM - thinking about what to do.

 

My best friend has been texting me asking how I'm feeling, and to those who are asking if I leaned on her, of course I did. She was my best friend.

 

She was the one who told me to leave him before all this happened, told me I deserved better and convinced me to move back into my parents.

 

While texting her she's acting normal and she's invited me for wine and a catchup sometime this week.

 

I sent her a text message last night saying, "hey have you seen C around? I've heard he's seeing someone else and it's serious".

 

She didn't respond for a couple hours, and then near her bedtime I got a text back saying, "I haven't seen him and if he is so what? It's time for you to move on you deserve better, I'm going to bed now goodnight hun speak tomorrow".

 

I was furious.

 

I should add that she is also married. I know her marriage has been falling apart but still, they live together and are still married. Her husband clearly doesn't know about this because if he did, I know he would do anything to harm my ex.

 

This is all such a mess.

[anika99]

Your best friend is married? Gather proof of the affair and instead of confronting your friend, take your evidence that proves the affair straight to her husband. Don't give her any sort of warning as she will immediately turn on you to protect herself. She will tell her husband all kinds of lies about you to damage your credibility and make you look crazy if she thinks for one second that you're onto her. So if she contacts you just try to sound normal. Tell her you've come down with something and that's why you've been quiet. Then find all the proof you can and expose her to her husband. He deserves to know the truth of his marriage and you deserve to be able to move on with your life without keeping their dirty secret.

[mikeylo]

Wow! She is basically making space for herself after kicking you out.

 

Even best friends don't have good intentions but then again narcissism is usually coverted.

 

The husband may or may not believe you.

[Calmandfocused]

Going to point out the obvious but she is not your best friend anymore. She hasn't been supporting you at all. She's been keeping a close eye on you so she can continue her affair with your ex in peace. Ugg. That betrayal sucks and you've a good right to feel the anger and betrayal that you do.

 

I'd be fuming. Just fuming... Good on you for not shouting your mouth off and confronting her. You have more self control than most.

 

You know, I don't normally advocate revenge at all as it's a waste of time. However, there's a good chance you can come out of this smelling of roses if you channel your anger and betrayal to good use.

 

I love the suggestion by the above poster. Do it. Your friend doesn't deserve your loyalty or your discretion. Expose her to her husband, then cut her out your life. I expect she will regret losing you but that's her problem, not yours.

 

Learn from this. Pick better friends in the future. Ones that don't lie to you. You probably already have them. Seek support from them and bin this awful friend.

 

You will feel better. I've been doubly betrayed in the past and it was awful at the time but now I couldn't give a damn. You will reach that point too. Not yet, but you will.

[Purepony]

I would get evidence and send it to the husband via a different email so he doesn't know who you are and when she falls apart she will call you and you can play her the way she played you

[TheDawg]

Damn. That's just cruel all around. What a horrible "friend." You will be stronger after this is all over.

[Misconstrued]

*Update*

 

Thanks for your reply, everyone.

 

 

I haven't been online or anywhere near the internet recently. I've been in bed sleeping and feeling ill mostly because all of this has emotionally attacked my body and my brain. I can't think straight at the moment to know what to do. There's been even more, worse news.

 

All of this feels like one big nightmare.

 

My "best friend" text me five days ago asking me to come over because she had something she wanted to talk to me about and wanted to catch up over a glass of wine. I believe that was the last time I posted on here, telling you all she wanted to catch up at some point but after I logged off and went about my day, I got a text late that night when I was ironing my clothes. She asked me to come over, which I replied it was far too late for me and we should do it another time. My initial thought is that maybe she wanted to tell me about her affair with my ex, maybe she felt guilty about it... I wasn't ready to hear it and didn't have anything in plan on what to do so I tried to avoid it.

 

However, 15 minutes later there's a knock on my door. It's her...with a bottle of wine in one hand and a bottle of lemonade in the other. I was shocked she even turned up at my parents home unannounced and what was even more weird was the fact she brought lemonade, she never drinks stuff like that. So as soon as I opened the door, I said, "hey, I thought we were doing this another time, also why do you have lemonade?". She walked in and told me to come to the livingroom so we could talk and bring two glasses, so I did. I actually felt sick doing it because of what I know and I also thought she was going to tell me all about her little secret affair with my ex.

 

But no, instead, I sit down and ask her what's going on, if she's okay. She tells me she isn't okay, made a pretend sad face, which then turned into this huge smile and all I can remember is her huge teeth about to open up to say the words, "I'm having a baby".

 

YES, that's right. My f*cking best friend is pregnant. Four weeks pregnant.

 

I couldn't hold it in, I started sobbing uncontrollably in front of her. She held me and said, "oh my god I'm sorry, I should have known better". I ran to the toilet to be sick, I locked myself in the bathroom and stayed there for about half an hour while she tried to convince me to come out. When I eventually did come out, I told her I was really happy for her and it's just this whole thing with my ex that it made me sad because we wanted children. That was true. But oh my, you should have SEEN the look on her face. If I didn't know about the affair, that look ALONE would've told me everything I needed to know from her face. Her face told the entire story, her face admitted it to me without her mouth moving or speaking words. Her face - I wanted to punch it so bad and tear her to pieces right then and there. How dare she???!!! How dare she come to my parents home, come to me, to tell me this news while she's sleeping with my ex fiance? How can someone be so cruel, so evil, so vile to do this to someone, another human being, let alone a friend???

 

THIS has sickened me to my stomach. I will never, ever look at her or him the same again.

 

And the most important question is, WHO is the Father of her baby?!?!?!?!?

 

Well, I don't know that, nor did I ask. I let her leave with that look upon her face. And no, she didn't know I had clicked on to her affair.

 

For those who said get evidence, someone very close to her who actually disliked me up until all this happened came to me to tell me she is no longer speaking to her because she tried to tell her what she was doing was wrong when she confided in her for advice. She told her to tell me or dump C, my ex, because what she was doing was wrong and she would get found out eventually. The only reason this person came to me is because a club or some sort of event posted public picture's of my ex and her together where he was very handsy with her and she would rather tell me than me see it and be humiliated publicly, she has also had something similar to this happen to her when her ex husband left her. I don't know where these picture's are, but I will try to get them.

 

Any advice about how to actually go about this would be appreciated.

 

I don't exactly know what to do, do I just go straight to her Husband? Do I do it anonymously? Do I tell him everything?

[Jersey born raised]

My only caution in exposing her to her husband is if there is is a possibility of physical abuse. If the where a guy I would be on the phone before he left to his wife.

 

This isn't a simple thief of a candy bar. If his name goes onto the BC he might get caught having to spend hundreds of dollars a month on child support.

 

Unless in had proof there might be physical violence would go to his home when his wife was not home and expose. Depending on his reaction I might call her to tell her to stay away.

 

Finally advise, do not warn before hand as they will lie you are just crazy and if you didn't say it was his wife it would be someone else.

[anika99]

OMG! that's horrible news. All the more reason why the husband needs to be told, so that he doesn't end up being on the hook for a child that he believes to be his but isn't.

 

I wouldn't tell him anonymously because that will be easy for your friend to deny. She'll say it must just be some crazy jealous person and her husband will believe her.

 

Find any and all proof that you can. It's harder for you to find evidence now because your ex isn't living with you, so no chance to snoop through his phone or place a recorder in his vehicle, but gather up all the evidence you do have or that you can get. If it's not 100% solid proof that's okay. Her husband still won't want to believe but you will plant enough of a seed of doubt that he will dig for more and he will DNA test the baby.

 

I'm so sorry. I know it feels horrible right now but better days are coming for you. Your fiance never deserved you so thank goodness it ended before you wound up married to him.

[whichwayisup]

Here's an update:

 

I haven't slept at all since finding all this out.

 

I've been up most nights, like now when it's 5:30 AM - thinking about what to do.

 

My best friend has been texting me asking how I'm feeling, and to those who are asking if I leaned on her, of course I did. She was my best friend.

 

She was the one who told me to leave him before all this happened, told me I deserved better and convinced me to move back into my parents.

 

While texting her she's acting normal and she's invited me for wine and a catchup sometime this week.

 

I sent her a text message last night saying, "hey have you seen C around? I've heard he's seeing someone else and it's serious".

 

She didn't respond for a couple hours, and then near her bedtime I got a text back saying, "I haven't seen him and if he is so what? It's time for you to move on you deserve better, I'm going to bed now goodnight hun speak tomorrow".

 

I was furious.

 

I should add that she is also married. I know her marriage has been falling apart but still, they live together and are still married. Her husband clearly doesn't know about this because if he did, I know he would do anything to harm my ex.

 

This is all such a mess.

 

You need to tell her husband that she's been having an affair with your exfiance

 

It is a mess, but not a mess you created.

 

Sorry that they did this to you.

Edited February 25, 2017 by whichwayisup

[stillafool]

Why are you being her doormat? She is cheating with your ex and you're still talking to her? You should have told her to never call you again and hung up.

[MCGar]

I hate to be the nasty one if the bunch but literally, you need to do this.

Text her a long apology for ruining her happy news. You were just overwhelmed from seeing your ex with another woman. You were taken by surprise since they both were in her car. You couldn't avoid them. The woman looks like a high priced sl*t and he looked so smug. He was all over her.

Then when she asks who the woman was, describe someone that looks opposite of her.

 

After you keep feeding her this info then tell her husband. By that time you block her ok everything.

[anika99]

I hate to be the nasty one if the bunch but literally, you need to do this.

Text her a long apology for ruining her happy news. You were just overwhelmed from seeing your ex with another woman. You were taken by surprise since they both were in her car. You couldn't avoid them. The woman looks like a high priced sl*t and he looked so smug. He was all over her.

Then when she asks who the woman was, describe someone that looks opposite of her.

 

After you keep feeding her this info then tell her husband. By that time you block her ok everything.

 

No, she shouldn't put anything in writing that her fake friend/OW could use as defense later on. If she sends a text like that and then tells the OW's husband of the affair what do you think the OW is going to do? She is going to show her husband that text and say "see, it wasn't me, the OP even described someone else but now she's blaming me. She must have gone crazy!"

 

OP I don't even know how you managed to get through that visit without losing it and revealing that you know the truth. Don't see this horrible woman again, you must cut off this friendship but tell the husband quickly before your ex friend manages to come up with an outrageous story.

[elaine567]

They have been having an affair since October.

 

 

How do you know that, what clear evidence do you have for that?