Successful "trial" separation stories?

[lavendergirl]

Main question: Have you ever experienced or witnessed a successful break or trial separation in a relationship?

 

My husband has decided that we need to take a break. We have been together since we were 13 years old, we're now 28. He wants to step back and see if this is what he really wants. We have some codependence issues going on, so this could be good for us to get some balance back in our relationship. I can see the good in it, although it's really hard.

 

We have set ground rules, we have both established that we are still very much married so no dating others. We will still see each other every once in a while for "date" nights, he has texted me "I love you, goodnight" Every night, even if we don't talk during the day. This wont go on longer than 6 months.

 

There's so much more to it but no one has cheated, no one has intentions to cheat... we are just SO entwined in each other's lives that we have forgotten to have lives of our own... so we are taking a break. I don't necessarily want negativity... I have read ALL ABOUT the negatives... I would really like to hear some success stories because I'm really struggling. Thank you in advance.

[ExpatInItaly]

This is not good. He's realized a bit late he might be missing out. Did he express any doubts prior to marrying you? What brought this break on? Where is he staying right now?

 

I would recommend marriage counseling over a physical separation, but it appears that's moot now. I am not clear how backtracking out of a marriage to dating is going to help you two, though. What is the objective in this time apart? You mention your lives are very intertwined, and some of that comes with the territory of being together so long. But wasn't it possible to get some independence without physically separating? You each certainly could have pursued your own hobbies and social lives while remaining together.

 

Is he open to seeing a counselor together?

[lovinDKT3]

My husband and I were watching TV the other day, I don't recall the show. A couple was celebrating a long marriage, the entire time people would ask, how did you do it, what's your secret and other questions along those lines. Thier answer was consistent and simply "we stayed together"

[Marc878]

Check your phone bill

[lavendergirl]

Check your phone bill

 

I did, and social media. Nothing funky going on anywhere. I trust him when he says theres no one else. At first I didn't but I am going to for the sake of my sanity. I assume if theres another woman that it'll come out eventually. There's no point in me questioning constantly, worrying myself, and putting an even bigger wedge between us right now.

[whatnot]

About 10 years into my sister's marriage, she moved out and filed for divorce. ("I'm not getting my needs met.")

 

She was going forward with the divorce. Her husband had already agreed to everything she wanted in the divorce. On the day of, she cancelled the divorce. That was 15 years ago. They are still married....and happily so.

 

When I asked her, "Why did you cancel the divorce? You couldn't stand your husband. All you did was complain about his short comings." She replied...

 

"I just couldn't do that to my best friend".

 

But, she really changed. Before the separation, when she'd talk of the things that she didn't like about him, she said it in a demeaning and accusatory fashion. Ever since they've reunited, they seem closer than ever before. Now, when she speaks of his short-comings, instead of there being visceral dislike (if not downright hatred), she speaks of his short-comings with a roll of the eyes and a laughs.

 

So it can happen. I believe Jimmy Buffett and his wife were separated for years before reuniting. They've been married forever.

[Mr. Lucky]

We have set ground rules, we have both established that we are still very much married so no dating others.

 

If I were a cynic, I might guess his main motivation for separating is to test the sexual waters. If you've been exclusive since you were 13, I'd assume you're his only partner. He may plan on rectifying that, something for you to consider...

 

Mr. Lucky

[lavendergirl]

Thanks, yes. I have considered that but I am also trusting that he would come out and say that. He has been very honest through a lot of this and has made it clear that he has no intentions of being with other people, that if I'm focusing on that then I'm not focusing on the right area. I am choosing to trust him because I don't want my mind to wander. So that's out of question. I assume if he "tests the waters" I'll find out eventually, no need to go in P.I. Mode right now.

[lavendergirl]

Thank you for this! Yes, we are best friends too... and neither of has a hatred for eachother. We can still stand to be in the same room, do things together, sleep in the same bed. I think he just wants time to breathe and figure things out, especially now before we start a family. I don't totally blame him, I believe if you're unhappy in a marriage that it's important to say so and make a change. This just happened to be a very drastic change, unfortunately. I'll just have to wait and see. Thanks again for the story.

[Snow7]

I assume you don't have children.

 

I think you are off to a good start by setting ground rules. I would suggest the following changes to your agreement:

 

Add marriage counseling once a week.

Make the dates scheduled weekly and take turns planning them. "Once in a while" is a bit too vague.

 

Good luck to you.

[lavendergirl]

I assume you don't have children.

 

I think you are off to a good start by setting ground rules. I would suggest the following changes to your agreement:

 

Add marriage counseling once a week.

Make the dates scheduled weekly and take turns planning them. "Once in a while" is a bit too vague.

 

Good luck to you.

 

 

Thank you so much for the positive post. The separation has been going on for 2 weeks and I have seen him several time, he came over and made dinner one night (which is usual) we went out with friends twice, so far it's been fairly frequent and our meetings are great. At one friend party, he even told the story of how we met to a group of people. It felt really nice to hear him retell it. I'm hoping he really just needs time to reset. He's a writer so maybe this is part of his process for right now. Thank you again.

[elaine567]

I am not sure if it is indeed necessary quite yet, but you need to start to prepare for divorce. Get your ducks in a row.

Make sure your contraception is watertight too as no doubt you are still having some sex. The last thing you want to do is bring a child into this situation.

 

"breaks" are often just a dummy run for a real break up.

He is testing the waters for going solo, and despite his and your protestations, married "virgins" often reach a stage where they want to go elsewhere for sex.

The fact that he will be thinking he is going to probably die without any sexual variety tends to start grating.

 

You are now considering taking your marriage to the next level, ie children, so a door is closing. It is now or never, and he will be very aware of that..

[PegNosePete]

Main question: Have you ever experienced or witnessed a successful break or trial separation in a relationship?

No.

 

What exactly is the "trial" of? What is being tested here? A trial should have clearly defined goals and criteria for success/failure as well as a clearly defined time frame. What would constitute a "successful" trial in this case, and what would constitute "failure"? After how long will you decide whether the trial has been successful or unsuccessful?

 

A "trial separation" is usually a soft way of breaking up with someone. It means he wants to break up but doesn't hate you, so he wants to soften the blow by making it a "trial". Kind of like slowly pulling the band-aid off so it doesn't feel like a big rip. And also if the single life isn't all rainbows and unicorns like he imagines, he is leaving the door open to back-pedal back to you.

[fishoutofwater]

I know you are looking for success stories on separation and believe me when I was in the same position as you are in now I only wanted to read the stories of how separating could lead to a stronger relationship.

 

Every case is different so please dont be discouraged by my story but my husband also asked for a month long trial separation which was brought on by codependency issues. He wanted the time to do things for himself, find his identity, allow space between to us for him to be able to miss me. During our separation we saw each other once a week where we would meet up for a meal or just talk.

 

At the end of the separation he came home and I envisioned this fantasy reunion. He would bring flowers, cry and apologize for ever suggested the separation in the first place. Unfortunately the exact opposite happened and it really only took a few days for him to proclaim that he still didnt feel right and that he just didnt feel the same way for me anymore. The infamous I love you but not in love with you talk....

 

He's still living at home although things have deteriorated and I'm just waiting for him to find a place to stay.

 

Again this was just in my case but I think he had very high expectations that the separation would be the magic solution and when he returned and didn't find the relief he was looking for it just made him that much more confident that the problem was larger then what we both thought going into it.

 

I pray that you dont experience this and that the separation does bring on a better/new chapter in your relationship. I would just be cautious about keeping your expectations in check to better handle any potential disappointment.

[standtall]

IMHO, the success rate for a trial separation is <1%...and you aint gonna find them here. A trial separation is merely the first baby step to a civil divorce.

 

As far as your situation goes, I guess someone will believe anything if they want to hard enough.

IMHO, your date nights are the only ones you have, but I'm willing to bet they're not the only dates he has. Good luck.

Edited May 4, 2017 by standtall

[Lovetoo]

Well, when I met a guy, whom I was extremely excited to be with. He told me he was divorced. He lived alone. I fell for him.

 

Anyway, two years into he told me she had filed for divorce three years prior(almost a year before we met) and that they weren't divorced. They were seperated. Anyway, they had tried to get back together. I guess got into an arguement and split again but ultimately they are back together now.

 

We broke it off. Last I knew, they were together. Working on it. Though they still didn't cohabitate.

They may be living together now. Idk.

 

Anyway, it can happen. You guys can end up back together. I hope it all works out.

[oldshirt]

I haven't read all the replies, but a "successful separation" is one that ends in divorce and both parties transition on to a post-divorce life with as little chaos and harm as possible.

 

Separation is a positive transitional step towards divorce and living separate lives from each other. It is not a therapy towards a happy and healthy marriage.

 

Now to be fair, if there is some kind of acute, highly volatile situation going on with terrible fights and extreme emotion - calling a time out and spending a few nights in a motel or at a friend's house to let the dust settle and the emotions die down so that calmer heads can address the issues...that can be beneficial.

 

But to separate to each live in separate homes and to test-drive living as a single is a transitional step to help acclimate to single life and living independently from each other.

 

If the end-goal is to divorce and have that go as smoothly and seamlessly as possible, then yes, separation is a positive step towards that.

 

But if a happy and healthy marriage and partnership is the end-goal, then separation is a giant step backwards.

 

If staying together is the goal, then remaining in the marital home and doing MC and addressing the issues etc is the more beneficial plan of action.

[lavendergirl]

Just wanted to give a quick update. We went out last night then came back to my apartment and spent more time together. He told me that he's feeling better about us, that he things this trial separation has been beneficial to us so far. He thinks it's best not to jump the gun quite yet. If we feel like theres been improvement in this month, then imagine what a couple more months could do he says. We're on the mend. Would I like us to be living together again? Sure but I'm also being realistic to the fact that we have improved in our connection while being apart (even though most of you said that being apart would cause more problems). He went out of town for a week, I'm going out of town for a week here shortly. We've been connected at the hip for 15 years, I think this time apart is helping us gain better perspective on our relationship and on ourselves as individuals. While we aren't living together again, I'm feeling optimistic about the future. We're just respecting each others boundaries and really enjoying our time when we do see each other. Guys, I think it's possible! I'll give more updates as they come. I'm also understanding that he could be "cold" the next time I see him. I'm trying to take it as it comes but also be proactive by spending time on myself. Wish me luck!

[standtall]

Well LG, IMHO, it sounds like he is stringing you along. The way he says things, he says them in a way that is vague, non committal, and open to interpretation.

[lavendergirl]

Well LG, IMHO, it sounds like he is stringing you along. The way he says things, he says them in a way that is vague, non committal, and open to interpretation.

 

 

Yes. I can see how it would seem that way. I'm guarding my heart and staying patient. I will say that our last couple encounters have been much better than they have been in a while. He's sincere. He has been saying he loves me and giving really great hugs. We have great talks, hes looking me in the eye again. He's asking about my day, what my week looks like. I've kind of left the ball in his court for the most part. I'm at a place right now where I don't totally mind us living in different places because in my heart I feell ike things are progressing and they just feel better. I went a long time without trusting him, just because I was scared, he had never done anything to deem him untrustworthy but I am trusting him now and it feels wonderful. I dont know. Like I said I'm staying guarded a little bit because no, I don't want to get hurt if he says "JUST KIDDING, I'M NEVER MOVING BACK IN" But we do seem to be on the right path to building a healthier relationship. Our connection is getting stronger and he agrees. Wish us luck, there's still a road ahead of us. Building something that you want to last can take a while.

[lavendergirl]

My husband confessed that he went to dinner with a woman the other night. I don't know the woman, only know OF her. He said he was supposed to go with 3 people but one person backed out last minute he didn't realize this until he was there. He told me 2 days after he went. I have a history of jealousy (for no reason, he has never cheated or even flirted with the idea). But he said he was afraid to tell me because of how I would react. He said it was completely innocent, if it had felt like a date he would have left. It was casual and that she knows that he's married. He stressed that it was all just kind of a misunderstanding because the third person backed out... so it would have been weird to be like "ok, well lets not do this..." since they were there. He said he was really sorry that he didn't tell me. He said he's never gone out this person before and doesn't plan on doing it again without other people around. I should also say she he is a genuine person, he knows right from wrong... so that's why I want to trust him on this. And I am for the most part but the fact that he waited to tell me stings.

 

A guy and a girl can be just friends. I know this. EASE MY MIND, people. Tell me it's all ok and that trust is the most important thing in a relationship.

[MidnightBlue1980]

My husband confessed that he went to dinner with a woman the other night. I don't know the woman, only know OF her. He said he was supposed to go with 3 people but one person backed out last minute he didn't realize this until he was there. He told me 2 days after he went. I have a history of jealousy (for no reason, he has never cheated or even flirted with the idea). But he said he was afraid to tell me because of how I would react. He said it was completely innocent, if it had felt like a date he would have left. It was casual and that she knows that he's married. He stressed that it was all just kind of a misunderstanding because the third person backed out... so it would have been weird to be like "ok, well lets not do this..." since they were there. He said he was really sorry that he didn't tell me. He said he's never gone out this person before and doesn't plan on doing it again without other people around. I should also say she he is a genuine person, he knows right from wrong... so that's why I want to trust him on this. And I am for the most part but the fact that he waited to tell me stings.

 

A guy and a girl can be just friends. I know this. EASE MY MIND, people. Tell me it's all ok and that trust is the most important thing in a relationship.

 

I've had dinner with male associates. It's all about the situation. It was typically at a bar type place, not a fancy romantic restaurant. Generally though I lean towards lunches, coffees or the occasional happy hour and I don't see the same person more than once every six months on an individual basis.

 

So yes, trust is the most important thing but you have to be careful with the opposite sex not to let an intimacy develop. That is on him, not you. No texting daily and stuff like that. Keep a healthy wall up.

[somanymistakes]

If he told you about it pretty soon after the fact it sounds like he generally trusts you (good) and probably wasn't up to anything.

 

I mean sure you wish he'd told you immediately instead of two days later but two days is not a big deal, and you do have a history of jealousy so he was a little nervous.

 

You guys should go out to a much nicer dinner, you both need reassuring from each other right now. He probably still worries that you're mad at him, and you have that little sting bothering you. Go do something fabulous and remind yourselves that you trust and adore each other!

[lavendergirl]

If he told you about it pretty soon after the fact it sounds like he generally trusts you (good) and probably wasn't up to anything.

 

I mean sure you wish he'd told you immediately instead of two days later but two days is not a big deal, and you do have a history of jealousy so he was a little nervous.

 

You guys should go out to a much nicer dinner, you both need reassuring from each other right now. He probably still worries that you're mad at him, and you have that little sting bothering you. Go do something fabulous and remind yourselves that you trust and adore each other!

 

Ah! You're great. Thanks for the assurance! We did had dinner the night after, it was casual but we got ice cream after, went on a walk and watched a movie. It was all fine. Thanks again for responding.

[GoldenR]

In this case, I'd say that as long as you're not noticing any red flags anywhere else, it probably is what he says it is.

 

But I disagree about guys and girls being just friends....but that's for another thread.