Keeping your EX's Last Name

[Mysterio]

I wonder what you all think of this. My buddy D is living with his GF who still keeps her ex's last name, and has not finished divorcing him and she has two bio kids with D. Boy almost 2. Girl 6 months. She also has two kids with her ex.

 

When conversation comes up about the divorce. D has no idea where her and the ex stand. It looks to me like the ex is holding things up, even though he has a GF now. D and his gf F have been together since Feb of 2013. So 4 yrs now.

 

Do you think she is playing him and why keep the last name albeit hiphenated with her own family name. She even has her ex's name on her facebook page.

 

What a mess. Sometimes I say thank god I am single.

[Bastile]

I think it's actually good that a woman keep the last name if divorced, because it keeps the family name along with the children. That's what my mother chose to do, and it's a good thing.

 

Problem here is that she's now had two other kids with your friend, and still kept that "hyphenated name". Yeah, it's a mess.

 

But hey, your mate chose that for himself. It's his life.

[mikeylo]

Its a personal choice. Some keep it to carry on the name with kids while some do it to rub it in the face of ex and their new partner.

[Mysterio]

My friend is conflict avoidant. I wonder how they are going to break it to D's Bio kids when they get older. Sorry mom and dad are not married, because they can't get mom's ex husband on the same page when it comes to the paper work getting divorced.

 

So whenever the ex decides to play ball and get the paperwork all figured out on his timeline. They are on year 7 f being separated. She went pretty fast with D. Contacted him in Dec of 2012. I guess they became a couple in Feb 2013 and he met her older kids by her ex in March 2013 and I just found out I met them the same time he met them.

 

They got pregnant in late 2014 and had bio kids in Aug 2015 and Feb 2017. He moved in with her in spring 2015.

 

I guess it does not matter to me, but wow. Some women have that power over their men. I guess I am different. No way would that happen to me.

 

My time line is being a couple for 2 yrs before marriage. Only woman I would date is Single/Widowed/Divorced. Separated I may give her a year to get divorced and I better see some traction with it. No bio kids at all with any of them until marriage.

[reboot]

Most women keep their married last name, that's not unusual.

[d0nnivain]

Who's complaining about this -- D or you?

 

Because she has kids who share her last name, I see no problem with her keeping their name.

 

IMO both she & your buddy have questionable judgment having kids together before she's even divorced. These two have much bigger problems then a last name.

 

That said, it's none of your business.

[Mysterio]

I don't think the big kids care if their mom has their bio dads name. Their mom already got a BF with D and moved him into their house and had two bio kids with D. I even doubt they were really consulted about it.

 

I just think there is going to be problems if D's GF F does not get divorced soon. More with how is it going to look to the kids, and its very confusing. D would like to marry her. He says he can't do anything until she gets divorced.

 

I see it as being dis-resepctful to D. It shows that she is not doing anything major to get divorced from her ex on her side. I still don't understand why F's ex wants to stay legally married to her. It can't just be about money. They both have their own places. I feel like F is the one who wanted out and F's ex was more shocked by it and he has been stonewalling since. Now that he has a GF. Why not get everything all straightend out.

 

I still think there is something fishy about he still having her ex's last name attached to her, while having two bio kids with D and the Divorce not having any traction.

[somanymistakes]

In my experience almost everyone keeps the last name if there's a kid involved, at least until they get remarried. I mean I literally can't think of anyone, ever, who would intentionally change their name to be different from their kids' names without a reason, but I'm leaving it as "almost everyone" because I'm sure someone somewhere must do it.

 

If there were no kids, some switch back to show that they're free and make the clean break, and others just can't be bothered with all the paperwork.

 

But if they're not even divorced yet why are you even looking at the last name? The last name is not the issue, the divorce is.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I still have my ex's last name. Why should he be the only one who gets to have the same last name as the kids?

 

I would change it if I ever got married again.

[stillafool]

It's perfectly normal to keep your ex's last name especially if you have children together. Doesn't everyone do this?

[reboot]

I see it as being dis-resepctful to D.

 

How does D feel about it? Frankly, how you see it doesn't really matter.

[SaveYourHeart]

A) Divorces are a pain, if the end of the marriage was amicable, it's not uncommon to drag out the divorce because filing fees are an unnecessary expense, and so are the "parenting classes" that they both (usually) have to take prior to the divorce being finalized.

 

B) Changing your name is a pain. You had to change it once when you got married, then when you get divorced you get to choose whether to change it or not. You could change it back to your maiden name, then have to change it again if you get married again. It's easier to just sit with the name (especially if it's hyphenated) and change it once you remarry. It's not disrespectful unless your friend is asking her to take his last name and she wants to keep the ex's. That would be a little strange, but still it is her choice what her name will be. Not yours and not D's.

 

C) The ex can't stop her from divorcing him. If he's "holding it up" and it bothers D so much, then they need to hire attorneys and start scheduling hearings. Regardless, is it that big of a deal in the scheme of things? Is he planning on proposing tomorrow? Weddings take a long time to plan so I'm not understanding the rush.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Yep. I kept my ex hubby's name (albeit hyphenated) until we officially divorced which took several years as we weren't in a rush despite coming to terms that we'd never reconcile. I kept it for the sake of my children at the time. They had enough to deal with and I didn't need to add to their plates until it was necessary.

 

When it was time to divorce, I was happy to get rid of the name along with the marriage.

[Penguin_hugs]

My mum kept my dad's name when they divorced so she could still have the same surname as me which I really appreciate. She still used the Mrs title too. If she remarries with her current partner I think she will change her surname- but she at least kept it while I was growing up.

 

My step mother still goes as Mrs K*** which was her first husband's surname but that matches her children. My dad is her 3rd husband- but she never changes her surname.

[Rockdad]

I wished 1000 times I would have negotiated my ex changing and removing my name at the divorce table. One for business, she used my name for her personal gain as local business's didn't realize she didn't have authority to my accounts.

And two I despise worthless parents and she does qualify for that. I want zero association with that person in anyway.

[MJJean]

It's perfectly normal to keep your ex's last name especially if you have children together. Doesn't everyone do this?

 

Nope. I loathed my ex and went back to my maiden name immediately after we separated, but before I could file for divorce. I don't see the point to keeping the family surname of a person you have severed legal and familial ties with.

[Mysterio]

I wonder whats F going to do when she eventually gets divorced. When D proposes to her. Is she going to have three hyphenated names.

 

 

For me it is none of my bussiness, but I feel because she keeps her ex's last name. Its a sign that she is not taking her current reality of being with D over her ex serriously. Even if its just a Facebook thing. What are they going to do when their kids get older. We were out two months ago and F' was talking about making Love last with a person. Her older daughter said something along the lines of You and dad only lasted 7 yrs before you split. F was speechless. Its situations like that that will arise. I see D stressed about it from time to time.

 

Its year 4 with them and I can't see one day F getting her Divorce from her ex happening soon. She was not able to get it when they split for 3 yrs before she and D got together and now with 2 bio kids. I have yet to hear her make it a prioirty. Its like she does not care if there is murlkiness with the status.

 

The power of some women just amazes me. Guys will fall for anything. D is so greatfull to be there that he does not think of the long term effects that his kids will have, when they are going to have to either lie about their status or tell them the truth. Mom and dad are conflict avoidant that they don't know how to get Mom out of her first marriage.

[PegNosePete]

Men tend to place more importance on their surname than women do. Traditionally a man will keep his surname forever, and pass it down to his kids. It's part of his identity. Whereas traditionally a woman will change her name to her husband's and her kids will not have her original surname. Surnames are transitory to a woman.

 

As a man you have to remember, when you marry traditionally, you are giving your wife your surname. What she does with it on divorce, is up to her, not you. It's not a gift you can take back.

 

To many women, her surname is transitory anyway. It's a huge hassle to change her surname, not to mention expense. She has to get a new passport, new ID cards, call every single utility, change it in probably hundreds of different places. And most people she tells will assume she's got married and say congratulations! Then she has to explain that no, she's going back to her maiden name. I can totally understand why a woman would prefer to just not bother changing it back, since if she remarries it will likely change anyway.

[stillafool]

Nope. I loathed my ex and went back to my maiden name immediately after we separated, but before I could file for divorce. I don't see the point to keeping the family surname of a person you have severed legal and familial ties with.

 

You may not see the point but lots of women do keep their married name when children are involved. They want the same last name as their kids unless of course they marry again.

[Mysterio]

My friend DB got divorced 9 yrs ago. His ex went back to her first name and they had two kids. One of my friends is a 66 yr old female and after she got divorced she kept her maiden name. Now she just lives with her male partners untill it does not work anymore. Since I have known her. She has been with three men.

 

We all have out own paths to live. I just always look at the foundation of relationships. I feel like if certain things are not in place it won't last or there are bobby traps that are set up to explode.

 

I feel that if D and F don't address her status now while the kids are small. Then they when the kids get older and compare and contrast with their friends parents. Then it gets confusing. What are D/F supposed to do. Wait until F's ex says okay I am ready to divorce now. What if F's ex is ready to divorce when he is 60 or 70. Its been almost 7 going into 8 yrs. Should they not be divorced now.

 

F asked her ex about a year ago to get certain paperwork to get things rolling and he could not make it happen.

 

 

 

I now have to watch it when I date. I can tell you all this. No woman that I date is going to be carying her ex's name once she is divorced and we get together and I marry her. I don't think the kids care what their mom goes by. They watched their mom bring home her BF into their house. within 2 yrs and have two kids by him, and their parents are not legally divorced and its not likeD and F had to have kids at all.

 

Contrasting to my other friends the K's who met and married in yr 3 of being together. Had kids in yr 5 and 7. They are rock solid and they tell me everything. Their modal of getting together works well.

 

So I am all about building a solid foundation and keeping your ex's last name while your separated wanting to divorce is not a good sign or at least on facebook.

 

Adding another thing as I edit this post. At most. I think a 2 yr separation is fair than to go straight into divorce. Anything beyond that. The couple that broke up that is separated, is playing games with themselves, each other, and any new love interest that pops up.

Edited July 12, 2017 by Mysterio

[InvisiBlonde]

I have been divorced from my ex for many years. Although we never had children, I kept his last name and still use it.

 

This has nothing whatsoever to do with any lingering affection or longing for him or regrets that we broke up.

 

The fact is that I always disliked my maiden name intensely; I got teased mercilessly about it as a kid and couldn't wait to get rid of it. I have now been know by my "married" name longer than I was by my maiden name! It's just a part of me at this point.

 

If -- when! -- I get married again, I will take his name and use it socially: Mrs. InvisiBlonde HisLastName.

 

For business, I will be InvisiBlonde MyLastName HisLastName.

 

As far as the rest of what I agree is a mess, if she wanted to be divorced, she would be. I wonder what the legal status is of D and F's children.

[basil67]

When I divorced, I kept my married name despite having no kids. The things which stopped me from changing it were: 1: name changes are a PIA. 2: I didn't feel an emotional connection with my maiden name so it seemed pointless going back to that.

 

It bothered me for a while that I didn't feel a connection to any name that I had, so in the end I had my name legally changed to that of my now long term partner.

[preraph]

She's doing it for the kids. It's a lot easier to have the same name as your kids in life. It's an unselfish act that a lot of women will do.

[NikonRN]

She's doing it for the kids. It's a lot easier to have the same name as your kids in life. It's an unselfish act that a lot of women will do.

 

Born with one name, parents got divorced. Dad abandoned me. Adopted by step dad, new name. Married once. New name. Divorced. Married twice, new name. had child after years of infertility. One child...Divorced again....kept the name of MY CHILD (how I see it). No prospects in sight to think about what to do with current last name......just my story.

[basil67]

I can tell you all this. No woman that I date is going to be carying her ex's name once she is divorced and we get together and I marry her. I don't think the kids care what their mom goes by.

 

What if the reason she hasn't changed her name is because she's got a professional reputation or research papers with her married name?

 

I'd hate to have to explain the name change each time I have to refer someone back to my previous work on a subject or ask for references. This is one of the reasons why women choose to stick with their maiden names these days. One name for now and ever. No messing about changing it all.