End a marriage over an affair from a decade ago?

[Tryingtotry]

(This turned into a little venting, but its hard to communicate anything clear these days, probably just looking to justify decisions.)

 

I recently found out my wife had an affair about 10 years ago with a former coworker or supervisor. We are both in our early 30s, 31 and 33 with her being older. I don't know that much about the details as far as how long it lasted as I haven't asked. It could have lasted up to two years max as she became a stay at home mom eventually and left that job. She claims now they only slept together once, and she barely remembers it because they were both so drunk and it was a long time ago. I don't really believe her, but it's not really important as it's beside the point. I have issues that prevent me from dealing with people who can stab someone who they supposedly love in the back.... and then just leave the knife there. I guess if the person doesn't know its there its ok?

 

I will say I do tend to leave people behind and detach rather easily, perhaps its even a little abnormal, but coming from where I came from it was a trait that benefited me greatly. My wife knows how I am, and my heart says she is trying to manipulate me to stay. She claims she has changed and that she has put everything she has into me, and this family since that time (this could be true, probably is). She says she made a terrible mistake a long time ago and has been working on improving herself and I am just "ready to run out the door at the drop of a hat" (more like a FN bomb!). She says our daughter needs me to at least try. No one starts talking to divorce lawyers so fast if they really are putting their family first in the first place. According to her, we should go to marriage counseling and all this other bull! She has been going to counseling her entire privileged life. She has not seen half the things I have seen yet she can do something like this, something I could not fathom. It's not like I plan on just running out on them. I've told her she already stacked the deck and is practically set for life, she played me well. It's not like much is gonna change financially for either her or my daughter as I will make sure of it at least until my daughter is grown.

 

On another note, my daughter is doing amazing and my wife does have a LOT to do with it. She has definitely been on her A game in this relationship for a long time outside of the time around the affair, I won't take that away from her. But she knows full well how I feel about people who cross me or people I love, and she did it anyway, and even worse, she was never going to tell me. Now she has put me in a position to be the bad dad. I think If I stay I will just end up showing my daughter how not to treat a woman you're supposed to love. If I leave, well, that rarely bodes well in my experience.

 

That said I would do anything for my daughter. I want to shield her from all this but I just don't see a way. The very fact that I have to navigate this because of my wife leaves me seething with rage. It's to the point I really don't fully communicate with her because I feel like some abusive s...tuff is right on the tip of my tongue. I feel a little guilty at the same time because in some ways the person I really want to go off on is gone. Still, the person in front of me now practically raped me out of a decade of my life! I'm not allowed to really feel this way as I got a daughter who is the best thing to happen to me out of it. I guess I am conflicted because a part of me feels like maybe she is right on some level, I could "try". But it's not realistic for me, I don't see myself getting past this in a way that really beats just ending this marriage. So why would I "try" as she says. Doesn't the risk involved in "trying" make it a reasonable decision to not try?

[40somethingGuy]

How did you find out?

Edited August 3, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redact quote of starting post

[somanymistakes]

That said I would do anything for my daughter. I want to shield her from all this but I just don't see a way. The very fact that I have to navigate this because of my wife leaves me seething with rage. It's to the point I really don't fully communicate with her because I feel like some abusive s...tuff is right on the tip of my tongue. I feel a little guilty at the same time because in some ways the person I really want to go off on is gone. Still, the person in front of me now practically raped me out of a decade of my life! I'm not allowed to really feel this way as I got a daughter who is the best thing to happen to me out of it. I guess I am conflicted because a part of me feels like maybe she is right on some level, I could "try". But it's not realistic for me, I don't see myself getting past this in a way that really beats just ending this marriage. So why would I "try" as she says. Doesn't the risk involved in "trying" make it a reasonable decision to not try?

 

You need to talk to a therapist. ALONE, not a marriage counselor.

 

You're very angry, and you need a safe place to let all that out and work out your feelings, without taking them out on your wife or daughter.

 

It's normal to be upset. However, the level of anger you seem to be handling at the moment is not good for your health or for your relationship with your wife and child. Even if you divorce her, you still have a relationship with her, you need to be able to handle interactions relating to your daughter.

 

Divorce may be the best thing in the end, but right now, you need to work out your feelings safely without risking saying or doing something that will traumatise your child. And eventually, you'll need to be able to let go of some of this hurt, because if you nurture that rage and let it grow, then someday it may leak out into your feelings about your daughter (especially if she grows up to look like your wife).

 

You are not obligated to forgive her. Sure, maybe it was just one night and a stupid mistake long ago... but she could have told you that long ago, too. Lying about it, keeping a secret, that wasn't just one decision, that was a constant decision made over and over again for years. You do not have to stay. You are not a bad person if you choose to divorce her.

 

But don't do anything in haste. Your most immediate crisis right now is dealing with yourself, your feelings, your reactions, getting all that under control. The wife can wait. Sort out your head, decide what you want, and when you're calm, then make a plan about how to best go about it.

[Tryingtotry]

How did you find out?

 

Custom 87 Buick Grand National, It was basically handed down to me so I didn't appreciate it back then. Too in love with a Jag I couldn't afford but worked for. To keep it short, a random guy comes up basically offering money for it, said he can't believe they sold it. I thought he somehow got it mixed up. But it was this one, and he described a couple who he thought I bought it from. That's basically what changed the conversation. That and pretending to know more then I did when talking with my wife. She probably screwed him in the car, I don't know. This is why I can't.

[Tryingtotry]

You need to talk to a therapist. ALONE, not a marriage counselor.

 

 

My wife has said this too. I think for her benefit though. How convenient it would be to talk to someone who is going to attempt to tell me why I should not be so angry with her. My daughter at least at this point has never even seen me raise my voice speaking to my wife. She never would hopefully. My wife has had some abuse in her past as a child, so some things I could say or would say if she had a different past are off limits. Even when my daughter is not around if I say something that really hurts her, I'm not that stupid, I realize it will certainly affect my daughters well being. The two are thick as thieves. I am tired of my wife dictating so many things in my life though. If I actually felt therapy would make a difference I would probably go. But at this point that would probably piss me off as well. I probably do seem even more angry in posts because I am venting somewhat.

[Striver]

My advice to you is to consult an attorney and expect to go down the path of separation and divorce.

 

Here is why. First of all, you clearly don't believe what your wife said about her affair/cheating. That's no good at all. I don't think you trust your wife at all.

 

You don't trust the counseling/"feelings" process. My impression is that your wife is practiced at using that process to build her web and manipulate people she wants to manipulate. Including you.

 

If you want any chance at an honest marriage, you need to blow her world up. Talk with an attorney. Talk with any friends you trust that have gone through the process. DO NOT TAKE ANY IMMEDIATE ACTION OTHERWISE. There are things that can affect your relationship with your daughter, like moving out. Don't do these things, keep your head. Dance around your wife until you have more of a plan in place.

 

If your wife does a 180, says things you can believe again, you can always reconcile, call things off. But I only see one choice for you at present.

[Colin Grant]

(This turned into a little venting, but its hard to communicate anything clear these days, probably just looking to justify decisions.)

 

I recently found out my wife had an affair about 10 years ago with a former coworker or supervisor. We are both in our early 30s, 31 and 33 with her being older. I don't know that much about the details as far as how long it lasted as I haven't asked. It could have lasted up to two years max as she became a stay at home mom eventually and left that job. She claims now they only slept together once, and she barely remembers it because they were both so drunk and it was a long time ago. I don't really believe her, but it's not really important as it's beside the point. I have issues that prevent me from dealing with people who can stab someone who they supposedly love in the back.... and then just leave the knife there. I guess if the person doesn't know its there its ok?

 

I will say I do tend to leave people behind and detach rather easily, perhaps its even a little abnormal, but coming from where I came from it was a trait that benefited me greatly. My wife knows how I am, and my heart says she is trying to manipulate me to stay. She claims she has changed and that she has put everything she has into me, and this family since that time (this could be true, probably is). She says she made a terrible mistake a long time ago and has been working on improving herself and I am just "ready to run out the door at the drop of a hat" (more like a FN bomb!). She says our daughter needs me to at least try. No one starts talking to divorce lawyers so fast if they really are putting their family first in the first place. According to her, we should go to marriage counseling and all this other bull! She has been going to counseling her entire privileged life. She has not seen half the things I have seen yet she can do something like this, something I could not fathom. It's not like I plan on just running out on them. I've told her she already stacked the deck and is practically set for life, she played me well. It's not like much is gonna change financially for either her or my daughter as I will make sure of it at least until my daughter is grown.

 

On another note, my daughter is doing amazing and my wife does have a LOT to do with it. She has definitely been on her A game in this relationship for a long time outside of the time around the affair, I won't take that away from her. But she knows full well how I feel about people who cross me or people I love, and she did it anyway, and even worse, she was never going to tell me.

 

My thoughts responding to what's in bold.

 

1) Details and truth are critically important in making your decision. I know you're probably thinking, what else is there to know? A lot. Such as, was it really one drunken night. Probably no to be honest.

 

2) Max - Don't subconsciously place your own predetermined time period on the affair. Have you ever talked to a thief. I have. When I was listening to him I was flabbergasted and some of the stuff was hard to believe. Why? Because I'm not a thief and therefor the thoughts going through there heads are preposterous because it's so foreign to me. However, living in a city, I have been forced to think like a thief for my own self protection. Point here is, I'm assuming you've never cheated. If not, you have no idea what people like that do to conceal this lifestyle or period of there lives to selfishly fulfill there desires and wants. Those who are in the cheating mindset, are not like you know them to be, so that should not be the basis upon which you evaluate what your wife could or couldn't do. I've read stories where wives who are quiet as a mouse and the disposition of librarian, have porn star sex for YEARS under the noses of a spouse who simply didn't know or BELIEVE that side of her could exists. Shift your mindset to being open to everything and this evaluation process will be easier for you acknowledge and make decisions on.

 

3) I don' believe her. Good. Remain that way, so that you can get what you need information wise.

 

4) Detach - Your ability to detach will serve you well should you decide to do so.

 

5) Mistake - Wasn't a mistake. At best it was a series of regrettable decisions she made.

 

6) Long time ago - Absolutely irrelevant. If a murder takes place 10 years ago, the crime remains the same. Elapsed time or even a personality overhaul doesn't reduce the crime itself and rarely does it alter the punishment.

 

7) She says our daughter needs me to at least try. No one starts talking to divorce lawyers so fast if they really are putting their family first in the first place.- I can't disagree with most of this, but by the same token, you could say, you didn't come to this conclusion out of nowhere. She f'd someone and that has caused a change out of nowhere and you have to reevaluate who SHE is. Not to alarm you, but it's possible this is the tip of the iceberg. I'm not one to jump to conclusions, but I have to admit these things are very, very rarely what they were explained to be at the beginning of the trickle truth telling, so heads up here.

 

8) She has definitely been on her A game in this relationship for a long time outside of the time around the affair. - This is good but again you have to really dig and find out why. Don't assume it's because she was remorseful and wanted to be a model wife. It's possible she was a model wife to make sure you were not tipped off of other flings, so in order to maintain a double life, she had to maintain an A game as see it as the price paid for maintaining fun in her life. I'm NOT suggesting she has done this, I'm merely throwing it out there so that you are not thrown off so easily. Remember, it's not easy but you have to think like an adulterer to unravel the mess that they have caused.

 

Your marriage is in the balance. Truth is what you need. Tell her in order to consider maintaining the marriage, truth must be discovered so that you can decide WHO you are reconciling with and that without truth or all of the information, you simply will not commit to anything. Tell her you will be open however, any lies or omissions will result in immediate divorce. I would begin by telling (not asking) her that a you will need HER to write out a detailed timeline of the affair/incident. How, where, when, why how, etc. This will be your road map. Perhaps write up a list of questions. I wouldn't give her the questions as it would give her time to make stuff up. Write the list up and read them to her and draft your own notes.

 

Lies are hart to remember so you can re-ask the same questions 2-3 weeks down the road. Additionally, tell her that you will have her polygraphed and that your decision will be influenced significantly by the results. If you look very, very closely, her reaction may be a telling sign. You can expect anything from "great, I'm all for it (which could be a front or the truth) to a startled look that leads to further confession. If this happens, the saga is just starting and there's more, possibly lots more. Maybe a little more. But definitely more.

 

A couple of Var's aren't bad to see if she's confiding to a close girlfriend that you found out while she's driving. People have private discussions in cars as you well know. A VAR on you while talking will enable you to be accurate with what she's explaining to you during one-on-one discussions.

Edited August 3, 2018 by Colin Grant

[Colin Grant]

Custom 87 Buick Grand National, It was basically handed down to me so I didn't appreciate it back then. Too in love with a Jag I couldn't afford but worked for. To keep it short, a random guy comes up basically offering money for it, said he can't believe they sold it. I thought he somehow got it mixed up. But it was this one, and he described a couple who he thought I bought it from. That's basically what changed the conversation. That and pretending to know more then I did when talking with my wife. She probably screwed him in the car, I don't know. This is why I can't.

 

Changes my thoughts a little. It may have been a lifestyle to have random ONS back then based on how you found out. So little is known, but just a guess. You have some digging to do to get the truth. Because she desperately wants to stay with you, the truth will be hard to come by. Polygraph

[Colin Grant]

My wife has said this too. I think for her benefit though. How convenient it would be to talk to someone who is going to attempt to tell me why I should not be so angry with her. My daughter at least at this point has never even seen me raise my voice speaking to my wife. She never would hopefully. My wife has had some abuse in her past as a child, so some things I could say or would say if she had a different past are off limits. Even when my daughter is not around if I say something that really hurts her, I'm not that stupid, I realize it will certainly affect my daughters well being. The two are thick as thieves. I am tired of my wife dictating so many things in my life though. If I actually felt therapy would make a difference I would probably go. But at this point that would probably piss me off as well. I probably do seem even more angry in posts because I am venting somewhat.

 

What you deserve from her is space, patience, more patience and for her to STFU until you sort your feelings out. You have just unraveled information that completely rewrites the history of the person you thought you knew. Individual therapy isn't bad necessarily, but marriage counseling would be a mistake at this point. You have to recover from a piece of traumatic news.

[Simple Logic]

I think you are making a stupid mistake. You might nt to re-evaluate. This event happened 10 years ago. Get over it.

[Confused48]

the truth will be hard to come by. Polygraph

 

I agree. Poly is needed here. Likely she will say no and you will then know there were more, possibly many many more.

 

If she says yes, you can get to the truth and live with it or leave anyway. Maybe the truth is that it was just one and done. Maybe that will make a difference to you or not but poly is the only way to answer these questions.

[anika99]

Marriages can survive infidelity but there is at least a couple of things that have to happen first. First of all the betrayed spouse needs lots of time and space to pprocess and express their myriad of emotions. Usually the betrayed spouse also requires full disclosure of most details like who the affair partner was, how long was the affair, was there feelings involved, was their continued contact,etc. Most importantly the spouse who cheated needs to become an open book, offer full transparency. They also need to have true remorse and tons of empathy for what the betrayed spouse is going through....

 

Which brings me to the problems I see with your wife. She is not behaving at all like a remorseful empathetic spouse. She is acting like she is the one being wronged somehow. She said you shouldn't run out at the drop of hat? She actually said that? Oh the nerve! Acting as though her betrayal and a decade of secrets is nothing more than a drop of the hat. Says that nobody who is really putting their family first would talk about divorce. Well does someone who wants to put their family first sleep with another man and then keep that betrayal a secret for 10 yrs? Is that what family minded people are doing these days?

 

Your wife does not have the right attitude for successful recocillation. Her attitude is actually pretty appalling. She is giving you no understanding, no reason to believe in her or trust anything she says. With her demeanor I would seriously question how many times she really cheated on you. It might have only been once but lying comes easy to her and she still has that blame shifting self entitled arritude that all cheaters seem to have.

 

It doesn't mean there is no hope but your wife needs to reach a place of true sorrow for her actions and be able to fully understand the magnitude of what she has taken from you. I'm afraid the only way that is going to happen is if she feels some consequences. You need a period of seperation at the very least. Move out so you can get some space and your wife can get in touch with reality. She's the one who needs to go to counselling so she can get to the root of why she thinks it's okay to betray someone and then act offended and entitled when she gets found out. Look up the 180. It's a good thing to do for your own sanity as it takes away her ability to manipulate you or push your buttons.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

I think you are making a stupid mistake. You might nt to re-evaluate. This event happened 10 years ago. Get over it.

 

 

It was 10 years ago for his wife. For him, it just happened!

 

 

My wife confessed her affair 8 years after the fact, so I know what the OP is going through. Not only does he have to process the fact of the affair, but he also has to process the 10 years that he was duped.

[Bryanp]

I am a believer that anytime there is a sexual affair it is wise to DNA the children. Her story sounds very self-serving. Certainly, a polygraph is in order.

I agree with you that consulting an attorney to understand your options is wise.

 

It is interesting that she knew exactly how you felt about affairs and what your reaction would be yet she went ahead and did it anyway. What does that tell you? Good luck.

[Clay]

I am with Bryan on this. DNA first. You can do it cheat and she doesn't have to know. Once you have that answer then I would tell her you need her to take a poly. I would be you wont even actually need to do it. She probably will start to spill her guts.

 

I think the part about these things are is you had to figure this out for yourself. Do you really think this is the only time she cheated. The fact she is going on the attack should be your biggest indicator of who she really is. If it really was a one time thing and she sincerely made a mistake. She would be all over you right now. She would be telling you she was sorry every single second of the day and doing anything to keep the marriage together. Her anger shows she is not sorry and so what..

 

Her attitude now along with the fact she kept this hidden from you means your whole relationship has been based on a lie. I personally wouldn't stay.

 

That is just me.

 

C

[Mr. Lucky]

On another note, my daughter is doing amazing and my wife does have a LOT to do with it. She has definitely been on her A game in this relationship for a long time outside of the time around the affair, I won't take that away from her.

 

I'm going to tell you up front I'm pro-marriage and trying to work things out when kids are involved.

 

Had you known about the affair when it occurred and decided to stay, one thing you'd have asked for would have been atonement, her "A" game in committing to the marriage. According to you, she's done that, perhaps as much out of guilt and remorse as anything else.

 

You've received the betrayal and attempted repair all at once, a baffling and disorienting chain of events as most BS have time to consider the former before they attempt the latter. As such, I'd simply counsel patience and deliberation as you work your way though this and take any "walk away" advice with a grain of salt.

 

Sorry you find yourself in this position...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Whodatdog]

Millions of relationships survive fidelity. They only survive if both spouses want it to survive. A spouse has to love their partner more than they hate what they did. It truly doesnt sound like theres any love left in you for your wife. Im hearing a lot of anger and no turning back for you. Its understandable. Im also hearing that the most important thing is your daughter, as well it should be.

 

It sounds like you can detach; maybe you already have. You can stay in the marriage for your daughter's sake until she has moved out of the house, but that will make divorce far more difficult, since your wife will have more time invested, and the courts will be kinder to her. You can divorce now, if you think you can still be a vested dad for your daughter, joint custody.

 

Tough situation. But it does sound like mentally you have already bailed.

[MountainGirl111]

This may seem like a stupid question, but do you still love your wife? Are you still in love with your wife? Have you always been in love with your wife? Do you think your wife loves you and is devoted to you? How old is your daughter?

[GoldenR]

Until you get the truth,you can't R.

 

It's never just once with a coworker as the AP.

 

Schedule a polygraph, and then wait for the parking lot confession.

[OatsAndHall]

My marriage ended because my ex-wife was having an affair. But, I agree with what everyone else is saying about counseling; go and talk to someone and get all of this out. You'll feel much better, get some of that anger out and then you can decide how you want to approach the situation. I can attest to this through personal experience.

 

 

 

When it comes to these situations a major trust has been broken and you need to figure out if that trust can be regained. Unfortunately it's extremely difficult to make that decision when until you've worked through some things out with a therapist.

 

 

 

I'm not going to tell advise you as to whether or not you should get a divorce because that's something you need to figure out without outside prodding. But, again, make sure that you're in a better place emotionally before you make that decision.

[BluesPower]

I am not so sure... but first, what a way to find out.

 

Divorce or not, who knows.

 

But along with the other good advice you have gotten, understand this.

 

1) She is lying about everything, and of course they had sex every single time that they could. Every single time, unprotected by the way.

 

2) She lied for 10 years, 10 freaking years.

 

3) She drove your JAG with him, let him drive your jag, no screw her.

 

4) She is absolutely manipulating you in every possible way that she can. She does not want to lose her lifestyle, that is all...

 

5) Do you think she was concerned with you our your family when she was banging him? I assure you not...

 

6) Yeah, DNA your kid for sure..

 

7) She needs to tell you every single detail and pass a poly before you can even consider NOT divorcing her.

 

The thing is, if YOU really mattered, she would have confessed but you had to find out about the affair over a car discussion.

 

I really don't know what to say, I would let her go, but that is just me...

[carhill]

Welcome to LS....

 

1. Apparently it's clear your spouse had an affair ten years ago. Do you suspect her of any infidelity today, now?

 

2. Do you want to reconcile your marriage or divorce? If no clear current direction, which would you lean towards right now?

 

IMO, if the foundation of your marriage is strong, reconciliation and putting this discovery in the past is possible. It might take another decade to fully recover. Are you up for that? Was your mutual love strong before this discovery?

[Charlie Harper]

My ex wife has an affair and told me 9 years after...in the end guit destroyed her and our marriage.... you can't fall in love again with your roomie.

[Tryingtotry]

Wow some great advise, things I never thought of. I will try to clarify somethings as far as where things are with me and my wife and what I know etc.

 

1. My daughter is biologically mine. I had her tested when she was born.

2. We have been together 12 years, married for eight. My daughter is 7.

3. This incident was ten years ago according to my wife.

 

Lots of you have mentioned getting the full truth. I'll be honest, I was never interested in it because I had no plans to stay with her. I had already spoken with my lawyer about divorce before telling her we're getting a divorce. I came to her regarding divorce issues initially. I never mentioned the affair. She thought it was a joke at first, then played stupid for a while. She eventually worked her way up to "I have been a faithful wife". Technically it may be true because she became my wife in 2010 when she was pregnant with my daughter. It felt calculated on her part because she seemed to be focused on the years we have been married. She reiterated how she kept her vows and she doesn't know what my problem is. She had the nerve to even say it looks like I'm the one who didn't take my vows seriously. She claimed she has never touched or kissed anybody. She hasn't done anything but "be a faithful wife" to me. I eventually had enough of the horn tooting. I told her I would make sure to get her a effing cookie to go with her divorce papers for being a faithful wife and I left. She called me later crying and said this must be "something" from a long time ago babe. I hung up in her face. She later called and left voicemails sobbing about how she was sorry and it was only one time, she got too drunk, she was young, etc.

 

Some of this does not match up necessarily with what I know about the affair. They went to a hotel enough times for a guy to recall all these years later, a "couple" coming to a hotel in a custom car he wanted to buy. They were "together" and they didn't look like friends. He says he saw them quite a few times. That's why I am pretty sure she has not told me the full truth. I have not pressed her for more either. Basically spending time with my daughter lately and clearing my head. My head says I better work it out as that's the best scenario for my daughter, but that depends on what a relationship will look like between us going forward.

[Mr. Lucky]

1. My daughter is biologically mine. I had her tested when she was born.

 

Given that this just came to light, why the DNA test at birth 7 years ago? Seems an unusual step...

 

Mr. Lucky