I hate my parents for having a lot of kids

[foreverdancer]

I'm the eldest of five siblings. My mother stays at home and my dad works abroad. My mother used to have a nice government job but she quit (with my father's influence) because she was about to have me. Since then, she never entered the workforce and continued to have my 4 younger siblings.

 

My parents never used any form of contraception because they only believe in natural family planning. They're both religious. My dad, the only breadwinner in the household, also doesn't earn that much, just enough for our needs.

 

I'm just really pissed at them for making obviously poor decisions. I'm also pissed at them for believing in religious crap that having more children means having more blessings, and that contraception is wrong, blah blah blah. They can't keep up with meeting all of our needs (they tend to forget even small stuff like freaking socks), they obviously can't give us the good education, good opportunities to learn hobbies and other self-development stuff, nice things, etc. because of their financial situation.

 

My fights with my mom always end in me berating her and my dad for having so many children they can't support properly. She just answers me, "So what do you want to do, kill them?" It's so stupid. I always tell her that because of this, I don't ever want to have kids. It's also so annoying how my dad always complains he works hard to send us money and it never seems to be enough... well, duh, that's what you get for having 5 kids.

[basil67]

The only place I can see where your parents have failed is that they haven't thrown you out for the way you speak to them.

 

You have two parents who love you. Only one of them works so that the other can be there to support you. Financially, they have been able to meet your needs. Public school is free and if you apply yourself, you can learn. College can be paid for with student loans.

 

How many children from dysfunctional households would give anything to have what you do?!! They'd be happy to know they are loved by two parents, have an income and have a roof over their heads. But you're snippy because you haven't had the type of extra curricular activities you want.

 

I would suggest you apologise for your entitled attitude and rude behaviour. Be grateful for what you have. And if you can't do this, then move out and support yourself. You are an adult after all.

Edited June 17, 2017 by basil67

[MidwestUSA]

Agree with Basil. Either move out, or get a job and pay rent to your parents, so they can buy socks for your siblîngs.

 

For the record, I suspect your parents did use some form of birth control. I ran this past my husband, who is one of nine, my dad, who is one of ten, and my grandfather, who is one of sixteen. They all said your parents are slackers.

[todreaminblue]

i feel my second son despises me too.....told me so ...told me i was stupid for having five kids....i am a stay at home mum....he has this sense of entitlement......as i feel you sort of do too...THAT SENSE OF ENTITLEMENT........

 

 

.i have been there constantly thick or thin for my son as i have all my kids...i might not have had the money to pay for private education...but they all did sports outside of school and clubs....my ex who was actually his step father coached his rugby union team just to spend time with him and give him mad skills in rugby...he often had to work away,.......my son went on to play for state had promise as a junior....a talent scout prophetically said about my son.....he can move mountains he will either be hugely successful or become a criminal...so as prophecy goes....my son wanted a car...we said no ...we cannot afford to buy a car for all of you so no....that sense of entitlement i told you about,he fell into a wrong crowd ended up in juvenile detention..funnily enough trying to get money to buy his own car.......his rugby career where he could have done so well...over ........and i advocated community support to get him out of juvenile drove myself crazy actually...but i had success...... when he got out he wasnt grateful..judge told him h ewas lucky to have me as a mum..my ex and i had organised a job for him.....at a prestigious college ...to learn the printing trade....stuffed that up too..entitlement is killer to personal success........

 

now he can blame me...for having five kids ....just like you do your mum....or he can wake up and take responsibility for his actions.....like trying to steal my very first car i have ever owned breaking the battery terminal and running a new battery flat before i even get my drivers license so i can drive for the first time in my life.had to buy a new battery........my son has owned multiple cars...and whenever i needed a lift...i gave him petrol money........

 

..all because i wouldnt lend my car to him..he tried to take it......all i want from him is a sorry and for him to never do things like that to me again...

 

 

i wont get a sorry and ill forgive ...again........ill never get a sorry because he feels entitled... i am the enemy.i need to recognise all my failures.......i AM HIS nemesis the cause of every trouble in his life......and his behavior and attitude......goes against everything i have ever taught him about life love and responsibility........and one day i wont be around...to say its ok ...i forgive you and he will feel it...he says i dont know what love is and that its an effort to love me.........i know i would not want him to have feel guilt or be unhappy....and even at his worse...i couldnt imagine not loving him even though i dont like him much at the moment.....and i told him so....told him until he is the son i used to know him and i wont see eye to eye....we are going to clash big time....

 

search your heart.....deeply....and find that love for your mum and your dad....remember the sacrifices they made for you....because there would actually be many...some you dont even know about ...certainly........parents dont last forever ..dont hold entitlement closer than the ones you should be loving....you will suffer when they arent there for you realize how much you do love them..........make your way in life with good intentions ......always..and feel those intentions towards your parents....and you might go far..........deb

Edited June 17, 2017 by todreaminblue

[Chilli]

We had 12 kids in my family and yeah we didn't have as many clothes and luxuries as my friends and yeah my parents were religious too and mum would not use birth control and teah they should've stop at 2 or 3 or 4.

But they didn't ,so be it. So what.

They looked after us all and kept us safe.

Your's , l hope they kick you the hell out on your ass for awhile ,see how you go meeting your own needs.

Edited June 18, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
rude ~T

[Chardonnay Renée]

Your post was never going to be popular, but I can see your point. You sound like someone who detests mediocrity as well as poor decisions made by people who lack common sense and foresight. This would only be compounded by the fact that your parents' life decisons are intrinsically linked with religion.

 

The worst part of a disadvantaged background is ignorance. Most people raised in low socio-economic areas, or even simply low-income working class families are not even aware of the options in life that lie before them. You seem to have figured a lot of this out yourself. That is a good thing.

 

What I suggest is that you compartmentalise your frustrations. Don't alienate yourself from your family and your parents. Use your experiences to help shape the best version of yourself. But please don't push them away. They love you unconditionally and it would be tragic for them if the feeling wasn't mutual.

 

I don't know how old you are, but I suggest that right now you start making plans for the future. Your destiny rests in your hands. Respect your parents' right to live their life their way, even if you don't agree with it. Make sure that when you have children, you have no regrets with any preceding decisions. You'd hate for your kids to resent you when all you are guilty of is doing your best and doing what you thought was right at the time.

[Els]

If you were genuinely such a believer in good financial decision-making and being responsible, why are you still living with your parents at 21 years of age and unable to buy your own socks when mommy and daddy forget?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I only have two kids and often have to be reminded to do things like buy socks or make that dentist appointment.....

 

You really need to check yourself. I feel bad for your mother.

[Chardonnay Renée]

If you were genuinely such a believer in good financial decision-making and being responsible, why are you still living with your parents at 21 years of age and unable to buy your own socks when mommy and daddy forget?

 

To be fair, she was merely citing an example which may not necessarily apply to her per se. And also, where exactly did she say she was unable to buy her own socks?

 

You know what? Perhaps her parents intended to buy her socks as a good will gesture, but never got around to doing it because of their own poor organisation.

 

That's called detrimental reliance. When someone promises you something but fails to deliver on what they've promised, then inturn offer a bunch of excuses. That can be very frustrating.

Edited June 17, 2017 by Chardonnay Renée

[stillafool]

I'll tell you what OP, study really hard, earn a scholarship, go to college and get a degree in something that is going to earn you a lot of money. Then buy all the stuff you want. You are ungrateful and having a large family is a blessing. My goodness at 21 you should be out of the house with roommates renting an apartment. Why are you still there?

[amaysngrace]

Yo I just checked and it says you're 21....is that right?

 

If so move out. You're an adult and can do whatever you want so go do it.

[major_merrick]

I can see both sides of this argument, and coming from a "disadvantaged" background (more like dirt poor and abusive) I have strong opinions about this.

 

I do believe that people shouldn't have kids they can't afford. That said, that "ideal number" is different for everybody. My parents only had me and my sister, and they couldn't/wouldn't even take care of us. The OP's parents had five, and the worst thing about them seems to be that they forget to buy socks and can't afford college. My parents forgot FOOD! By the time my younger sister was born, I began stealing to survive - my sister would have starved if I hadn't. We lived in fear of the "Child Protective Services" which is mostly just a front for abuse and sex trafficking. I spent my nights after school coaching my sister on what to say, so that the public schools/government thought that we were happy and normal - and didn't find out about our situation and split us up and put us in foster homes to be abused or raped.

 

I think there is a difference between having a mediocre life in borderline poverty, and having a life so terrible your survival is in doubt from day to day.

 

I have this to say to the OP - yes, what you are going through isn't optimum. I get that, and I understand why you would be frustrated. Without knowing your family, I can't say whether they are good or bad people or whether you have a right to be angry or not. Certainly their priorities seem to be different than yours. But you are also 21!!! You are definitely old enough to do something about it, to either contribute to the family or move on and make a life for yourself that you can live in your own way.

 

If your parents can't or won't provide for your siblings, remember that you have a duty to help your siblings. I fed, clothed, educated, and protected my sister because nobody else would - and I started that when I was still in elementary school. You are an adult - begin to think of what you can do for others. Figure out where your duty lies, improve your life with hard work, and improve their lives. This doesn't mean you have to agree with or support your parents' choices, instead it means that you develop the courage to grab a handful of life and make your mark on it.

[MidwestUSA]

I'll tell you what OP, study really hard, earn a scholarship, go to college and get a degree in something that is going to earn you a lot of money. Then buy all the stuff you want. You are ungrateful and having a large family is a blessing. My goodness at 21 you should be out of the house with roommates renting an apartment. Why are you still there?

 

 

She is a college grad, but unemployed.

 

So, who knows?

[foreverdancer]

For the record, I'm 21 and still living with my family because where I'm from, it's the norm to still live with your parents EVEN up to your own marriage. But I don't plan on doing that. As soon as I finish law school, pass the bar, and go into practice, I'm moving out. I wish I could move out NOW, but I'm going to law school and I could only take on part-time jobs that obviously won't generate enough income for me to live on my own. I did the math, and it's just not feasible.

 

My point is: having kids is an ECONOMIC decision and shouldn't be driven by societal expectations and personal desires. I wish people understood that. You can't just have kids because you love your spouse so much or whatever. You can't just have kids because it's what people expect you to do when you're married. What a bunch of BS. Yeah, you can give love to your children, but they need a lot of things that "love" can't give.

 

Your post was never going to be popular, but I can see your point. You sound like someone who detests mediocrity as well as poor decisions made by people who lack common sense and foresight. This would only be compounded by the fact that your parents' life decisons are intrinsically linked with religion.

 

The worst part of a disadvantaged background is ignorance. Most people raised in low socio-economic areas, or even simply low-income working class families are not even aware of the options in life that lie before them. You seem to have figured a lot of this out yourself. That is a good thing.

 

What I suggest is that you compartmentalise your frustrations. Don't alienate yourself from your family and your parents. Use your experiences to help shape the best version of yourself. But please don't push them away. They love you unconditionally and it would be tragic for them if the feeling wasn't mutual.

 

I don't know how old you are, but I suggest that right now you start making plans for the future. Your destiny rests in your hands. Respect your parents' right to live their life their way, even if you don't agree with it. Make sure that when you have children, you have no regrets with any preceding decisions. You'd hate for your kids to resent you when all you are guilty of is doing your best and doing what you thought was right at the time.

 

Thank you for understanding where I'm coming from. Over the years I've learned to be self-motivated and to set goals for myself that I have to work towards. I've learned to be a lot more logical and practical in making decisions, and that includes marriage and having a family of my own. At this point the idea of having children in the future does not appeal to me at all, unless I'll have about 1 million in my bank account. I also want to marry a partner who'll be financially stable and who won't have any problems with me having a demanding career.

[Els]

For the record, I'm 21 and still living with my family because where I'm from, it's the norm to still live with your parents EVEN up to your own marriage. But I don't plan on doing that. As soon as I finish law school, pass the bar, and go into practice, I'm moving out. I wish I could move out NOW, but I'm going to law school and I could only take on part-time jobs that obviously won't generate enough income for me to live on my own. I did the math, and it's just not feasible.

 

Look, the thing is, no matter what your culture is, your parents paying for ANYTHING you do after you attain the age of adulthood, is a gift. I'm not saying you need to fall over in gratitude or feel like you owe them your entire life, but it's still a gift. They're not obligated to buy you socks and pay for law school and let you live with them without contributing to expenses, when you're legally an adult. It is their choice to continue to do so. Ergo, a gift.

 

It's completely fine that you don't want to have kids of your own. Not so fine that you're going off at your mum for their 'poor financial decisions' when clearly these decisions are at least good enough to be able to continue to provide this gift for you.

[amaysngrace]

Hate is a pretty strong word in my book, and if you hate your parents then stop using them for a place to stay.

 

They probably aren't overjoyed with your hostility towards them especially in front of your younger siblings.

 

You really should stop making excuses and move out. You're very lucky I'm not your mother because the decision wouldn't be yours to make.

[JuneL]

Look, the thing is, no matter what your culture is, your parents paying for ANYTHING you do after you attain the age of adulthood, is a gift. I'm not saying you need to fall over in gratitude or feel like you owe them your entire life, but it's still a gift. They're not obligated to buy you socks and pay for law school and let you live with them without contributing to expenses, when you're legally an adult. It is their choice to continue to do so. Ergo, a gift.

 

It's completely fine that you don't want to have kids of your own. Not so fine that you're going off at your mum for their 'poor financial decisions' when clearly these decisions are at least good enough to be able to continue to provide this gift for you.

 

I know in some Asian cultures, adult children live with their parents until they get married. But these adult kids also contribute financially.

[Bastile]

I think you'll likely find a different level of respect for your mum and dad as you get a bit older.

 

That's whats happened with me, anyway. And I would have especially loved to have some real man to man conversations with both of my granddads especially, but they're both passed away.

 

I would like to have told the younger me to go easy on my parents. So, that's the advice I'll give you.

[stillafool]

For the record, I'm 21 and still living with my family because where I'm from, it's the norm to still live with your parents EVEN up to your own marriage. But I don't plan on doing that. As soon as I finish law school, pass the bar, and go into practice, I'm moving out. I wish I could move out NOW, but I'm going to law school and I could only take on part-time jobs that obviously won't generate enough income for me to live on my own. I did the math, and it's just not feasible.

 

My point is: having kids is an ECONOMIC decision and shouldn't be driven by societal expectations and personal desires. I wish people understood that. You can't just have kids because you love your spouse so much or whatever. You can't just have kids because it's what people expect you to do when you're married. What a bunch of BS. Yeah, you can give love to your children, but they need a lot of things that "love" can't give.

 

 

 

Thank you for understanding where I'm coming from. Over the years I've learned to be self-motivated and to set goals for myself that I have to work towards. I've learned to be a lot more logical and practical in making decisions, and that includes marriage and having a family of my own. At this point the idea of having children in the future does not appeal to me at all, unless I'll have about 1 million in my bank account. I also want to marry a partner who'll be financially stable and who won't have any problems with me having a demanding career.

 

Who cares what the norm is? It is also the norm for people to marry and have kids. At 21 and feeling the way you do you could still find roommates, rent a room and finish law school. So you do not have to live with your parents. I know people your age who are still in college, working multiple jobs and live with roommates in order to be independent.

[Chardonnay Renée]

For the record, I'm 21 and still living with my family because where I'm from, it's the norm to still live with your parents EVEN up to your own marriage. But I don't plan on doing that. As soon as I finish law school, pass the bar, and go into practice, I'm moving out. I wish I could move out NOW, but I'm going to law school and I could only take on part-time jobs that obviously won't generate enough income for me to live on my own. I did the math, and it's just not feasible.

 

My point is: having kids is an ECONOMIC decision and shouldn't be driven by societal expectations and personal desires. I wish people understood that. You can't just have kids because you love your spouse so much or whatever. You can't just have kids because it's what people expect you to do when you're married. What a bunch of BS. Yeah, you can give love to your children, but they need a lot of things that "love" can't give.

 

 

 

Thank you for understanding where I'm coming from. Over the years I've learned to be self-motivated and to set goals for myself that I have to work towards. I've learned to be a lot more logical and practical in making decisions, and that includes marriage and having a family of my own. At this point the idea of having children in the future does not appeal to me at all, unless I'll have about 1 million in my bank account. I also want to marry a partner who'll be financially stable and who won't have any problems with me having a demanding career.

 

It's a shame you've had to qualify everything in your life before people can understand your situation. Pretty much everything you've stated "for the record" is stuff which I had logically deduced myself.

 

I'm assuming you're from the United States where, if it's anything like Australia, it's almost unaffordable for students to move out of home - outside of residing in university dorms. It's a tough gig for students - staying at home, if it's the most practical and economically viable option for you is mutually exclusive from your current issues.

 

I was extremely lucky growing up; I was born to an upper middle class couple, with my Dad owner/operator of a modest sized commercial vineyard located two-hours' drive from the CBD. I boarded at a fairly prestigious All-Girls school in the city. When I studied at university I lived in one of my parents' investment properties close to the city rent-free.

 

I haven't ever had it hard in life. My parents paid for my student fees up-front, so I never accumulated a cent of HECS debt. But I used my privileged upbringing to try and understand other's circumstances to avoid living in privilege.

 

I saw how tough some of my fellow students were doing it. It was a real eye-opener for me to see just how hard some kids have had to work in order to achieve their goals. It's a real credit to you that you haven't dropped your head and instead have taken the sensible approach to achieving your goals.

 

I can't relate to your situation, but I can empathise with you. However, I can only implore you to look past your frustrations to try and avoid long-term resentment. Try and be a role model to your younger sibling. Be there to support them achieve their goals. Don't lose focus on what's truly most important - family.

[anika99]

It's one thing to say you disagree with some of the choices your parents have made, we all do that at some point. It's part of growing up and separating oorselves from are parents. It's completely another thing to say you hate your parents because of their choices.

 

Most of us have had far from perfect parents. I didn't have a lot of siblings, I was an only child until I was 13 and then my mom had 2 more kids. I won't bore you with my entire life story but I will say I didn't have it easy. My mom spent the first 11 years of my life using drugs and abandoning me so she could go live her fun party life.

 

I could tell stories that would make you think she is the worst mother ever but that wouldn't be the whole story, because while she did make some really poor choices as a parent she also did a lot of good for me too. Always so affectionate, always building me up with love and praise. When I became a teenager she became my closest confidant and we would talk for hours. When I was hurt, emotionally or physically, nothing comforted me than when my mom would gather me in her arms, stroke my hair and let me cry my eyes out on her.

 

So I get to make a choice. I can focus on all the bad stuff I went through alone as a child when my mom was absent and seethe with resentment and anger or I can focus on the sweetness of her and appreciate that she really tried to make up for those bad years and loved me the best she could. I choose the latter because it makes my head a nicer place to be in. Sure parents make stupid choices and don't always act in the best interest of their kids but most parents really truly love their children and when you get right down to it that is the one thing children need most of all. When I think of all the babies and children in the world who don't have anyone that loves them it breaks my heart.

 

Good for you that you have decided to take control of your life. You should be proud of who you are and what you have accomplished but that doesn't mean you get to cr@p on the people who are helping you achieve your goals. When I was your age nobody supported me or kept a roof over my head and put food in my belly so I could pursue my lofty dreams. I was out of the family home, fully supporting myself, paying rent and bills and buying my own food just like many others so don't be so high and mighty. And stop berating your mom for having a bunch of kids. How childish and immature to fight over something that can't be changed.

[Southern Sun]

You have such little respect for your parents. I wonder what has gone wrong, because something has...terribly.

 

Have they treated you poorly? Is there a lack of love in your home?

 

I can't imagine ever "berating" my parents. I hope to high heaven my children never feel they have a reason to berate me. Even your mom's response about killing your siblings suggests something odd to me. That's a disturbing thing to say.

 

I can't imagine this is really about money. Somewhere along the way, you've grown up thinking you deserve something. You're angry and resentful and it's because you have certain expectations that your parents SHOULD have done things a certain way, for you. Well, that ain't the way it works. The world doesn't revolve around you. And I'm sorry to burst your bubble, but even when you get that law degree and get your own place, the world won't revolve around you then either. And if you try to make it that way, you will have a very lonely world.

 

I can't say whether your parents made mistakes or not. Perhaps they did. Most do in one way or another. But they don't deserve your contempt. You wouldn't even be on this planet if not for them.

[anika99]

You have such little respect for your parents. I wonder what has gone wrong, because something has...terribly.

 

Have they treated you poorly? Is there a lack of love in your home?

 

I can't imagine ever "berating" my parents. I hope to high heaven my children never feel they have a reason to berate me. Even your mom's response about killing your siblings suggests something odd to me. That's a disturbing thing to say.

I can't imagine this is really about money. Somewhere along the way, you've grown up thinking you deserve something. You're angry and resentful and it's because you have certain expectations that your parents SHOULD have done things a certain way, for you. Well, that ain't the way it works. The world doesn't revolve around you. And I'm sorry to burst your bubble, but even when you get that law degree and get your own place, the world won't revolve around you then either. And if you try to make it that way, you will have a very lonely world.

 

I can't say whether your parents made mistakes or not. Perhaps they did. Most do in one way or another. But they don't deserve your contempt. You wouldn't even be on this planet if not for them.

 

I think mom is just responding with sarcasm because what else can she stay to something as stupid as someone complaining about the very existence of their siblings. I could see myself saying something sarcastic like that. I very much doubt that the mom is actually suggesting that she should maybe off a few of her kids...LOL. Good grief some people are way too literal.

[Gr8fuln2020]

For the record, I'm 21 and still living with my family because where I'm from, it's the norm to still live with your parents EVEN up to your own marriage. But I don't plan on doing that. As soon as I finish law school, pass the bar, and go into practice, I'm moving out. I wish I could move out NOW, but I'm going to law school and I could only take on part-time jobs that obviously won't generate enough income for me to live on my own. I did the math, and it's just not feasible.

 

My point is: having kids is an ECONOMIC decision and shouldn't be driven by societal expectations and personal desires. I wish people understood that. You can't just have kids because you love your spouse so much or whatever. You can't just have kids because it's what people expect you to do when you're married. What a bunch of BS. Yeah, you can give love to your children, but they need a lot of things that "love" can't give.

 

Thank you for understanding where I'm coming from. Over the years I've learned to be self-motivated and to set goals for myself that I have to work towards. I've learned to be a lot more logical and practical in making decisions, and that includes marriage and having a family of my own. At this point the idea of having children in the future does not appeal to me at all, unless I'll have about 1 million in my bank account. I also want to marry a partner who'll be financially stable and who won't have any problems with me having a demanding career.

 

Having children is not JUST an economic decision. Almost every life changing decision involves economics, but it is often not the primary consideration. It is strange to me that you think it is simply an ECONOMIC decision. I strongly suspect it is your selfishness and anger talking there.

 

You going to law school is an economic decision. Who's paying for that? You? No. If you don't have the money to pay for law school, then you shouldn't attend, right? Don't rely on someone else to pay for YOUR law education. You are simply selfish.

 

Go get a part-time job and help your parents and siblings out. That would be the right and decent thing to do. That would be the responsible thing to do as you seem to spend an inordinate amount of time to your mother about having not been responsible.

[mrs rubble]

I would love to have brothers and sisters! I grew up an only child in the bush miles from anywhere with no family in the same city. I was lonely. My parents are reasonably well off, yet they claimed they couldn't afford another child.

I know this isn't true, I was able to raise 2 boy's pretty much on my own with way less money than my parents ever had.

 

 

When I was your age I was living independently, studying part time, working part time and a mother.

Edited June 17, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator